Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The only thing more played out than stories about Brett Favre?


Blog posts about Brett Favre. But whatever. I'm bored, have nothing to do, and maybe I'll attract some spammers who are on the lookout for anything Favre-related to drop their CAPS lock on.

Brett isn't even a rugged enough name for this pigskin throwing lumberjack...I'd suggest that he go by Bert instead. If you haven't heard, Bert is attempting to return to the NFL after deciding last March that he'd rather take a position as equipment manager for the Hartford Whalers. Bert quickly found out that he had too much childlike enthusiasm and was just too much of a kid out there, which also had the side-effect of making the Packers the de facto favorite team of most Catholic priests. And probably half of U.S. gym teachers, as well.

But I digress. Bert's gonna end up back in the NFL, life's going to go on, and nobody is going to care. Sure, he may play for the Jets, and after the second or third game, no one will care. Just like nobody gives a fuck what Amy Winehouse is doing right now, whom Britney Spears is blowing at the moment, or what the fuck Jan Van de Velde was actually doing on the British Open leaderboard on day one. In fact, that probably deserves more attention than anything Bert Favre is doing, as the last time anyone collapsed harder than Van de Velde did in 1999 their MedicAlert bracelet went off.

So, where's Bert gonna end up? I have a few opinions.

1. Nobody cares.

2. He's going to go fuck himself.

3. I don't give the slightest of damns.

4. Somewhere gay where the fans can appreciate his grizzly grey facial hair.

5. He's going to go fuck himself, and nobody is going to care.


As far as I can tell, these five scenarios are looking like the most likely outcomes to the Bert Favre saga, which will of course repeat itself next year and the following year and in 2029 when Bert cancels his Bangbus.com account and then decides that he wants to reactivate it but the price has gone up since he was grandfathered in as one of the original Bangbusers and they won't give it to him at that price anymore and yada yada yadier molina.

God damn it, Bert.

3 comments:

AB said...

Van de Velde

Vern said...

I'm hiring editors.

Ryan said...

We need an update, Vern. What happened with Bert?