Friday, October 17, 2008

Fuck it. I'm eliminating taxes.


Listen up, the American people, and listen good. I've gone over my tax plan in great detail over the past three presidential debates with Senator McCain, and I've explained how I was not going to increase taxes for the majority of Americans. I was going to increase the taxes on those that can afford to pay more in order to give struggling families a tax break.

In addition, I was going to give a break to those that are having trouble affording their health care plans by lowering the costs. But if you like your health care plan...keep it. It was simple. Simple as fucking pie. John McCain, on the other hand, wants to tax your benefits for the first time ever. On top of this, he is going to keep President Bush's failed tax plans going. He proposes to pay for all of this by cutting earmarks, but we only spend $18 billion on wasteful government spending. It's not a big portion of government spending and it's not going to cover his proposed tax cuts.

So how is Senator McCain going to pay for everything with all of these tax cuts? He can't do it by cutting earmark spending. He's not going to do it by ending the spending over in Iraq. He's going to have to tax the living shit out of your benefits, and even if he did that, it's not going to cover any of the necessary government spending, like, you know, for highways and stuff of that ilk. And how's he going to pump money into the underfunded programs that he mentioned in the last debate? Beats me, but you know what? Most of you don't even seem to fucking care. You just want taxes to go down.

So fuck it. I'm eliminating taxes.

Is that what you want to fucking hear, America? Fine. No taxes. Medicare tax? Gone. Social Security? Fuck it. Cigarette tax? No more. Thank fucking God, I need some smokes. Titfucking Goat Tax? I'm eliminating it. I'm proposing a tax Trail of Fucking Tears, motherfuckers. Maybe you'll understand it if I call it a tax jihad, since I'm a fucking Muslim all of the sudden. It's going to be a motherfucking Tax Holocaust, douchebags. How's that sound? Read my lips: No. Motherfucking. Taxes. Period. None. Gone. All of them.

Complaining about potholes on the interstate? Fuck you. Fix it yourselves. Complain to your state government, dickheads. Not our problem. We aren't collecting any of your taxes. Fuck the states. If they want money to plant trees they can fucking tax you themselves, cause I'm not gonna fucking do it. Oh, you are old and can't work and want to receive some social security? Why don't you go get a job sewing afghans, grandma. You should have invested better. Think I fucking care about Social Security? No. I'm rich. I don't give the slightest of fucks. Seriously, if Angelina fucking Jolie was about to go down on me and told me that she'd only do it if I could make myself care a bit less about Social Security, I'd tell her that it's impossible and hit her until she cried. Then I'd make her blow me anyway. And she'd like it.

What's that? You are afraid of more terrorist attacks? Why would you get that idea? Ohhhhh, yeah, I see. It's because we don't have a fucking military anymore. Yeah, I just cut it. Hey, someone can just privatize it, right? Mercenaries! Capitalism, man! Don't be a fucking commie. Look at it this way, we'll only fight wars that are profitable! I can't fucking wait. I'll certainly eliminate corporate tax shelters. We'll be a giant fucking corporate tax shelter. That means prices are going to go down, right? And they'll hire more people! Oh, no they won't...they'll just pay the executives more. You think Exxon's going to hire more people because their profits went from $13 billion to $14 billion? Like they paid much in taxes anyway. Fuck taxes. Taxes are for fucking Canadians.

So Obama '08, dickheads. Change. Hope. No fucking taxes. Who's the fucking maverick now?

Anybody got a light?

5 comments:

Cotter said...

I, personally, would like to see a tax instituted on douchebaggery. And I'd like the first every New England sports fan. Sort it out, then grown an afro. You'd look sick rockin' a cool ass 'fro.

Cotter said...

Man, someone's fired from typing.

/me

COMMENT FAIL!

Vern said...

I'M BLOCKING COMMENTS NOW BECAUSE OF BAD GRAMMAR

howard in nyc said...

hell yes.

tariff on goods imported. (tariff, bitches, not a tax). to pay for the military. that's it. except for true national defense, we don't need this stupid central government.

Vern said...

OH NOES IT'S A LIBERTARIAN!

I'd actually like to try the sales tax only plan. Was Neal Boortz pimping that back in the day? I know it has it's flaws but...hey, just about everything does, so f it.