You Lay on the Ice like a Broad!

Needed a change

2010-11-17T11:33:00.000-08:00

I gave up, then decided I maybe wanted to come back. But just wanted a fresh spot.

Vern = Flaccid Jeff and is at http://37dix.blogspot.com.

I give this new location a month before I quit again and move to Indonesia.

Thanks!

F You, Verizon

2010-07-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get a new phone from Verizon for THREE F-ING MONTHS.

THREE MONTHS!

And I still have the same old God-damned motherf-ing 5 year old flip phone that can't check MY MOTHERFUCKING EMAIL! What if I get an email from some hot chick that says "hey, I don't usually write emails to dudes asking if I can blow them right now because who does that, but today just seems different". I'd be screwed! Well, not screwed. That's how I'd be screwed. Anyway, you get the point.

I was going to get the original Motorola Droid in late May, but I saw that a phone called the "Incredible" from HTC was coming out. And it was incredible, and so I decided to wait. And wait I did. Went into the store, they didn't have them. Come back on the 7th. Came back on the 7th, they said come back on the 21st. Came back on the 21st, they said they don't sell them in the stores anymore, get it online. Didn't get paid, had to cancel the order. Got paid, tried to order it again, and they had pushed it back now until mid-August.

Is this HTC's or Verizon's fault? Probably a little of each, but who cares about HTC. Verizon had a shortage of phones so they had to have more built. And then they didn't have enough built to meet a demand that they fucking knew of quite well. And, of course, every Verizon store is decked out in ads for this phone during this whole saga. BUY A DROID PHONE GET A FREE ONE!*

*Phones not actually in stock. And won't be for months. Fuck you.

So, I sigh and mutter something in my head and order this phone online again. But, I make one last call to a store somewhere in the sticks to see if they have it. They do not, but he has a Motorola Droid X prototype and it is coming out on July 15. He tells me that I will be upset if I get the Incredible without checking out the X. So I go out and check it out.

And the X is awesome. Huge screen. Lightning fast internet. It's great. And it's available BEFORE the Incredible's stock will be replenished. I'm in. I gave him my number and he said he'd call on Wednesday and I could pay then and pick it up on Thursday. Perfect.

Didn't get a call. Whatever, Verizon's going to have plenty of these available.

Right?

Fuck no.

Again. Three months of this and Verizon, et. al. still cannot get this fucking right. Not exactly the way to make a dent in the smart phone market. I'm fed up. I'm pissed. I'm about to cancel my phone and go to AT&T because even though it's AT&T and I like Droids better than iPhones, you can walk into an AT&T store and you can leave it WITH A MOTHERFUCKING PHONE. Quite the concept there. Revolutionary business plan.

But it was going to cost $60 to cancel the line. I'm cheap and it has like, 21 days left. Then I calmed down, said to myself, "man...you really hate AT&T. And every motherfucker has a damn iPhone. Just order the damn phone online".

So I did. And it ships next Friday.

Fuck me.

Oh, Florio

2010-07-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Let's check in on the latest opinion piece from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pictured above, Mike Florio.

Last week, Panthers receiver Steve Smith made a bad decision to play flag football with adults.

This week, Giants receiver Steve Smith made a bad decision to play funny man regarding adultery.

In the wake of news that Tiger Woods will pay his ex-wife hundreds of millions in a divorce settlement, Smith (the New York one) had this to say on his Facebook page: "Big up to Tigers wife all she had to do is open her legs and say 'I Do' and now she's one of the richest people in the world lol."

For starters, his comment isn't humorous. The bigger problem? Smith is suggesting that she somehow trapped Tiger in the hopes of cashing in. But she's not the one who repeatedly and brazenly violated the marital vows; he did.

Tiger's not the victim here. If he didn't think he could honor his promises to his wife, he never should have gotten married. Especially when he knew that failure to do so would result in giving her a large chunk of his financial empire.

Holy God, Florio. More sanctimonious drivel.

So...let me get this straight. Steve Smith made the bad decision of...posting something that Florio disagreed with? Michael Vick just shot a guy. Santonio Holmes Twittered about smokin' the ganj. So did a WR from the Florida Gators recently. Darnell Dockett put a video of himself showering on some Youtube-type site. Terry Bradshaw fucked Elena Kagan on Perez Hilton's website twenty minutes after her Supreme Court confirmation hearings. There are much worse and much dumber things going down right now.

But this...this one's the worst. Because Florio doesn't agree with it.

For starters, Mike, YOU don't think it's humorous. I'm not exactly suggesting that Steve Smith should open up for Louis CK during the off-season, but I thought it was slightly chucklesworthy. But..."the bigger problem"? "Smith is suggesting (Tiger) trapped (Elin)"? Why is that the bigger problem? Why is that even a problem? Is he on her legal team? Was she fucking Steve Smith on the side during her marriage? Who the fuck cares? Why do I bother?

And Elin is the victim. But then she got $750 million. Sooooo, sorry if I can't drum up the requisite amount of sadness for her.

Tiger obviously shouldn't have gotten married. Even though adultery isn't a crime, it's not the best look for your public image. And it's gonna cost you. But to suggest that Steve Smith has a problem for making a joke about Elin's now likely diamond-vajazzled nether regions makes me want to jump out of Chris Henry's pickup truck.

Fucking Florio.

Blow me, Rain-X

2010-06-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

Just like Ben Roethlisberger, Rain-X. My penis is exposed, I have my bodyguard blocking the bathroom door, you are stuck...and you might as well just get this over with.

Earlier this year, I purchased some tires for my Lambo at Tire Kingdom. The Lambo had also been struggling with clearing rain from the windshield, and lo and behold, there were some wiper blades for sale right on the desk. What the f, you know? I'll take some. And even better, Rain-X was offering a $5 mail-in rebate! SCORE! I could spend that money on 37 gallons of 1954's gasoline!

So what does Rain-X present me with in the mail? A FUCKING CHECK FOR $10 MADE OUT TO TIRE KINGDOM. Yeah...thanks, Rain-X! I can go get $10 of free work at Tire Kingdom, provided they actually accept it! This is exactly what I signed up for!

Not only that, but it expires 180 days from the 2/8/2010 date printed on the check. Tire Kingdom sells TIRES. I just bought TIRES. If my FUCKING TIRES need replaced in 180 days, I have bigger problems than replacing said TIRES. Such as, why did I only get 6 months from these motherfucking tires? Did I spend actual money on these 6-month tires? If so, I should never ever go to Tire Kingdom ever again. Not even for 'free' work.

So blow me, Rain-X. You said I'd be getting a $5 rebate and then you hit me with this pathetic offering. I'm considering just dropping the check off at Tire Kingdom and letting them have it for free. Because, fuck Rain-X. Fuck Rain-X and everything they stand for. Except removing rain from windshields. I can get behind that one.

Mike Celizic brings me back

2010-06-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

As you may have heard, a no-name pitcher from Detroit nearly threw a perfect game yesterday against the Cleveland Indians. Armando Galarraga retired the first 26 batters, bringing up number 27 with the chance to make (recently watered down, but still) history...induced a ground ball that first baseman Miguel Cabrera fielded....threw to Galarraga at first...and the umpire, Tim Joyce, called the runner safe.

Video showed otherwise.

So, after Galarraga retired the next batter, there is a bit of an outcry for Bud Selig to change the call.

Now, whether you think he should or not, if you can't see both sides of this issue, then you're crazy. If you think Bud Selig is an idiot for not changing it, you are insane. If you think changing this call means that Selig now has to change every borderline call in every single game from this point forward, then you are also insane.

No matter which decision Selig decided to make, people would be all over him for it. Because he's Bud Selig. Selig decided that the call would stand. Mike Celizic decided that this displayed a lack of leadership. Celizic, however, is clearly insane.

You should have reversed the call, Bud. For the first time in your irresolute reign as commissioner of Major League Baseball, you could have been a leader.

I don't get it. Sure, Selig may not be the best commissioner in baseball history. But people pile on him like no other sporting executive. Roger Goodell doesn't get this much criticism. So Selig called an All-Star game a tie. Who the fuck cares? It's an exhibition game. Is that not leadership? What should he have done? Do you think whoever was managing the Cubs at that time would have liked seeing Sammy Sosa pitch in an All-Star game? You blew it, Bud. Could have been a leader! Honestly, someone please explain how Selig deciding this case either way shows leadership or a lack thereof. I'll be here all week.

When you have the ability to correct an injustice, you also have an obligation to do just that. Bud Selig had the ability and the authority to reverse umpire Jim Joyce’s blown call and declare Armando Galarraga the newest owner of a perfect game.

Bud Selig also had the ability to call whoever hit the flyball that Jeffrey Maier caught for a homerun out. He could have corrected that injustice. Replay was pretty clear that it wouldn't have been a homerun. I guess Selig could have called it a double and resumed the game from there. And that would have been INSANE.

Bud Selig may not want to open the door to commissioner-revised calls. And whether you agree with him or not, you should be able to see where he's coming from. Unless you are Mike Celizic and you like to argue just for the sake of arguing.

What’s great about this is that the situation is unique. It’s never happened that a pitcher lost a perfect game on the last out because of a clear mistake by an umpire that’s right there on a DVD for all to see. So there is no precedent to break, just one to set.

There is the precedent that commissioners don't change calls retroactively. Who cares how unique it is? A commissioner has never throw the first pitch on opening day with his dick out. Doesn't automatically make it a good idea.

Correcting Joyce’s call from safe to out would have taken a hit away from Jason Donald and an at bat away from Tim Crowe, who got to make the final out after Donald was declared safe. Crowe certainly wouldn't have objected to losing an at-bat that resulted in an out, and Donald shouldn't complain about losing a hit he neither earned nor deserved.

Probably true.

This was a no-brainer decision, which means Selig was singularly qualified to make it. There were no ramifications other than to correct an egregious injustice and relieve Joyce of the crushing guilt he feels at having blown the biggest call of his life. The game result would remain the same. The score would remain the same.

This is not a no-brainer decision. This is the commissioner stepping in and changing a call. That NEVER fucking happens. Does it? If it does, show me where. Selig absolutely could not win here, no matter which way he decided to act.

Like it or not, this would set a precedent that is...that is unprecedented. Or something.

The argument against changing the call is that it lets the night crawlers out of the can. If you correct this call, then you have to correct others, starting with Don Denkinger’s blown call in Game 6 of the 1985 World Series between the Royals and the Cardinals.

Those damn night crawlers. Some people think this may open Pandora's rectangular storage contraption. I disagree. Anyway, if a Douglas Fir falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, can you really detect any decibels? As a wise man once said, give a man a rainbow trout, you'll feed him for...I have no idea where I'm going with this. Who the fuck says night crawlers instead of worms?

It’s a convenient argument raised by people who can’t bring themselves to do the right thing. After all, baseball has been doing the wrong thing and defending it as tradition for more than a century. Acting against reason is a hallmark of the game.

Yes. You had better hope that you don't suffer a heart attack around people who raise this argument. BECAUSE THEY WILL STAND THERE AND WATCH YOU DIE.

Football fans have to be laughing themselves silly over this. Their sport has a mechanism to correct bad calls, so this doesn’t happen in football games. It wouldn’t happen in a basketball game, either, where officials can check the replay to determine if a last-second shot is a two-pointer or a three-pointer and whether the player got it off before or after the buzzer.

Yeah, watching an umpire blow a perfect game for a guy who will almost certainly never have this chance again has me LOL-ing.

But not baseball. Baseball is a game that insists on doing things the old-fashioned way for no good reason other than that’s the way it’s always been done. That’s how the game managed to get to 1947 before it allowed a black to play. It’s why the game tolerated and even encouraged cheating by pitchers for generations. It’s why the game continues its inexplicable and indefensible opposition to replay for anything other than home run calls.

Baseball, football, hell....fucking AMERICA didn't let black people play during this time period, either. Do you think baseball was staging race riots or something? Was it baseball that had whites-only drinking fountains? Was baseball barring black players from attending the same high schools as white players? Black Americans were only allowed to do two things in 1942...shine shoes and play jazz. That's it. So don't blame this blown call on Satchel Paige.

But the ban on blacks was broken and cheating by pitchers has been eliminated. So saying that this call cannot be changed because baseball has never done such a thing before is not a valid argument. In the old days, the technology didn’t exist. Now it does.

You have to be fucking joking. Now that black players are allowed to play in the major leagues, you can't say that this is a bad idea because it's never been done before? Holy fucking mother of God Shammgod. He's right...change everything you feel like changing. Black people are now part of the fabric of our great national pastime.

Also, Celizic railing about baseball being stuck in the past and not catching up with time is absolutely hilarious. Just read the first entry here.

Besides, baseball does have a mechanism for changing results. It’s called the protest, and, while it doesn’t apply to blown calls, the intention of the protest rule — to correct a violation of the rules of the game — is the same. And a protest can change a result. This would not.

Then why don't they protest?

The good thing about this controversy is that it turns up the pressure on Selig to allow replay on such calls, and the sooner the better. Others have weighed in on that issue, so all I’ll say is that at the same time Selig announces that Donald was out, he should also announce a replay system. I’d give each manager one challenge a game, with a league official in a booth to demand replays of questionable last-inning calls. Do it right and it won’t add appreciably to the length of the games.

I would absolutely love to see what Celizic's thoughts on instant replay were...oh, last week. As I saw written elsewhere...if you weren't for instant replay before but are not strongly behind it...fuck you.

In any event, umpires aren’t wrong that often. In most games, the replay would never come up.

I bet it would come up almost every single game.

But that’s for the future. Selig had to break another stupid tradition and reversed this call. It wasn't a matter of exercising his discretion, but of doing his duty to the game.

It’s not about games that happened last year or last century or in 1985 in Kansas City. It’s about a unique situation that happened yesterday.

You could have started a new tradition, Bud. Call it “doing the right thing” or “simple justice.” You could even go back to the commissioner’s catch-all explanation for everything: the integrity of the game.

If this didn't qualify as a matter of integrity, nothing does.

Oh, fuck you, Mike Celizic. Integrity? You have to be joking. Not changing this call shows a lack of integrity? That is absolute balderdash! It's rubbish! Honestly, just like leadership...does integrity even come into play either way here?

What a bad day to be Budmund F. Selig.

The NFL thinks that BJs are worse than dog murder!

2010-05-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

Ben Roethlisberger happened to hook up with a gold-digging chick without her jealous, vindictive friends and the NFL suspended him 6 games.

Michael Vick systematically tortured furry little dogs to death after events of his interstate gambling ring and received a 2 game suspension.

THE NFL IS OUT TO GET THE STEELERS!

God damn it do I hate this argument. And it's a relatively common argument. "Vick killed dogs and got 2 games, while Ben did nothing and got 6. What the f is up with that? That's not fair".

I hate it. Hate, hate, hate. Vick lost just about every dollar he had, his career as arguably the most popular player in the NFL and two years of his life to prison, and the fact that Goodell only gave him two games shows that there is some sort of conspiracy? Or that the NFL suspensions are completely out of whack?

You can make an argument that Sheriff Goodell's suspensions are arbitrary and often not fitting, but don't cite Vick and expect to keep my attention. Vick did two years in jail. He lost almost everything. And now, just because he only got two games on top of that, he got off lucky? You don't think that the two years in prison may have shaken him up a bit? That he could not have been sufficiently mollified to Goodell's liking?

I'm looking at Vick's suspension as a 34-game suspension. The fact that Goodell obviously weighed in the jail time that Vick was forced to do when determining NFL discipline does NOT show a conspiracy against the Steelers, whether you believe Ben committed a crime or not. Both did some Shield tarnishing. That's what Goodell is looking at. Goodell felt Ben's behavior was out of control and punished him to reign him in. If Vick didn't go to jail, do you think that he would have only been given two games? Please. I bet he would have gotten the full year. Same goes for Donte' Stallworth. If he would have gotten a year in jail, do you think that Goodell still would have added a full year from the NFL on top of it?

Vick's two games to Ben's six games does not show a lack of fairness. Or a conspiracy. Or a belief that killing dogs is ok while getting BJs in restrooms is absolutely not (or giving, in Jamal Anderson's case). This is disregarding the probable belief of many that one sexual assault on a human is worse than the electrocution of 100 dogs. Vick did a fuckload of time. Ben did not. The legal system punished Vick for sullying the shield. It did not do so to Ben.

So you can tell me that the punishments meted out by the NFL are so arbitrary and the guidelines so vague that they do a disservice to the league's image. And that suspending Roethlisberger sets a poor precedent. That I'll listen to. But if you try to tell me that this shows that the NFL puts dog murder on the back-burner behind public indecency, I'll going to tell you to stop. And if you try to suggest that this exposes the NFL conspiracy against the Steelers, then I'm going to walk away.

Pick One

2010-05-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

'Sup, bitches.

I will preface this by saying I have no knowledge of legal matters and Supreme Court shizz beyond what I read on Wikipedia while bored at work. So, I'll be procrastinating again, going on random Wiki-surfing trips and doing some "tab-jumping" that will lead me on a voyage that hops from Tidal Acceleration to Rutherford B. Hayes and I'll walk away from that with a spotty, incomplete knowledge of something I can barely even describe. So keep that in the back...no. Keep that in the front of your mind while reading anything that I write.

Anyway, I was thinking...all of the Jort-party members and Facebook philosophers were all up in arms about the Unconstitutionality of the Commiecare bill last month, right? The Constitution doesn't give the government the right to make people buy healthcare! The Constitution also doesn't say that you can't rape your dog, but I digress. The Constitutional argument, as I'm told, is that this could be argued as an example of the government infringing all up on state's rights. Which, I guess, seems like it could be a reasonable argument. I'm thinking it would also strike down social security and medicare, but that's another argument for another time.

BUT, these same people are defending the Arizona law in a newly energized frenzy of SPEAK ENGLISH! However, isn't this the same thing but in reverse? Isn't this a state attempting to regulate a national matter? This isn't between Mexico and Arizona. This is between Mexico and the U.S. Does Arizona have the right to...do whatever it is they are doing to immigrants? I don't even know what they do when they find illegals under this law. Do they send them back to Mexico? Do they kick them out of Arizona? Do they force them to teach Arizonan children how to turn double plays? I'm not sure. Whatever.

I do think that this Arizona law will be overturned, and I don't think it's exactly like the Federal law. It may be close. But...wouldn't they have to ask everyone for their "papers" to make it Constitutional? If a legal U.S. citizen with a tan goes to Vons supermarket and gets in a fight but cannot produce an ID, he is charged with a misdemeanor, I believe. If Jim from Accounts Payable does the same thing, he likely will not be asked for his ID. So he doesn't get the misdemeanor. That seems like some profiling. AND, the law requiring "reasonable suspicion" of Mexican-ness is quite vague, as a friend has pointed out to me, and is somewhat similar to Kolender v. Lawson, which set a precedent for all matters involving liquid strainers. And this is all ignoring the retarded clause that actually gives citizens a vehicle with which to SUE THE FUCKING POLICE if they don't think they are doing a comprehensive job adhering to the policy.

BUT...f that. I love trainwrecks. And if the right wangers were smart, wouldn't they want this to go to the Supreme Court and hope that their Justices can get it overturned on the state/national matters aspect? Couldn't this then trick the court into having to declare Obamacare as Unconstitutional when it inevitably comes in front of the Court? Would this cause complete anarchy? WOULD MICHELLE BACHMAN FINGERBLAST HERSELF ON THE HOUSE FLOOR?!?!?!

I'd certainly watch some CSPAN to find out.

Yo Ben...take a break from that film. You might rape somebody again.

2010-05-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

Pictured is David Cornwell, a former NFL attorney who now has a field of work that involves, well, making problems for NFL players go away. You can read about him here. Seems like a bad-ass motherf-er.

Of course, that would make him a natural to get involved with Ben Roethlisberger's RAPEAPALOOZA 2010, the latest in an annual rapefest put on the Steelers quarterback. He's been working with Roger Goodell to build the terms of Ben's suspension and eventual return to doing what he loves most...missing quick reads on the football field.

Cornwell wrote a letter to Roger Goodell recently, and the letter was intercepted by noted slueth Peterfluous R. King of Sports Illustrated (the "R" stands for Reconnaissance). It's down a bit on that page.

Dear Commissioner Goodell:

I am confident that we share the same view of the men who play professional football. While the public sees men of extraordinary athletic prowess, rarely is there any acknowledgement of the years of physical and mental preparation or the commitment that is made merely to be in the position to compete on Sundays. This pervasive blind spot tends to cause the public and the media to focus primarily on the football player and not the man who plays football. But, we know better.

My view is that too often there is an inverse relationship between the player's talent and the man's ability to confront and overcome challenges of life away from the game. I have gotten to know Ben extremely well over the past year. Watching Ben off the field has given me great insight into why he has been so successful on it. Ben's rectilinear approach and his method of analysis -- processing things as a quarterback so that he is in control -- have served him well as a football player, but this singular focus is the primary reason that he is facing the challenges that he currently confronts. Life cedes control to no man.

Though I could not have predicted these specifics, I am not surprised that Ben is dealing with a challenge of personal development. His passion for football and the remarkable success resulting from his commitment to the game necessarily means that he has compromised his development in other areas. No person has unlimited capacity. I believe that Ben's challenge is to channel some of the energy he has committed to becoming an extraordinary player into becoming an equally extraordinary person.

While Ben's sexual activities may offend some, anyone would have been hard pressed to predict that Ben's actions would have resulted in such vicious and false allegations. Ben bears exclusive responsibility for the consequences of his choices, but that does not mean that these particular consequences were foreseeable. Whether it is in the privacy of a hotel room or in the more risky environment of a semi-public restroom, a false allegation of rape simply is not within the zone of the foreseeable consequences of consensual sex.

There are two prongs to the intended effect of discipline. One is to discourage repetition of the offending behavior. The other is to encourage behavior that is more consistent with accepted principles and/or established procedures. What Ben should not have done is abundantly clear. What he should have done differently remains elusive. None of the numerous people with whom I have discussed this matter has offered a tangible alternative to the choices that Ben made other than to suggest that Ben "make better choices" in the future.

I cannot fathom how a suspension or any other form of traditional discipline will help Ben make a better choice the next time he decides to have consensual sex. The difficulty that Ben had in articulating a distinction between the risks associated with private and semi-public sex is the product of the undeniable similarity between the Reno and Georgia accusations, even though one event occurred in the privacy of Ben's hotel room and the other in a semi-public bathroom.

As you consider your options, I hope you will focus on an approach that establishes a direct nexus between your response and the issue to which it responds. Whether I am considering these options as Ben's advocate or as the person who has had the privilege of engaging in frank discussions with you unburdened by our professional affiliations, I am unable to discern a link between a suspension and any useful lesson or message that would tend to alter Ben's conduct in the future.

This is one of the more challenging conduct issues that you have confronted because the fundamental issue does not involve an arrest or criminal charges. This is an issue of lifestyle and the need to develop the tools and a method for addressing the unique challenges and opportunities that flow from the stature and celebrity enjoyed by the men who play football. I trust Ben's private conversation with you gave you a glimpse into the difficulty he had in distinguishing who he is from what he does. The public and media have yet to master this distinction. In considering where all of this will lead us, I take comfort in knowing that Ben is not the first 28 year old man to confront the reality of his actions being inconsistent with his values. Luckily, most of us have the benefit of navigating the treacherous waters of maturation outside of the glare of the media and the public.

Following a recent disciplinary hearing, you and I discussed privately your commitment to address each case based on its unique set of facts, without regard for the rancor of the public and the press. I know your commitment remains unchanged. We have also discussed my view that under certain circumstances imposing traditional discipline following a meeting between you and a player tends to devalue the impact of your unique qualities as Commissioner. While your authority emanates from the NFL Constitution and Bylaws, your effectiveness is the product of your ability to connect with the men who play the game in a manner that neither of your predecessors enjoyed.

The nuanced and dynamic nature of the issues that got us here requires an equally nuanced and dynamic response. I look forward to continuing our discussions so that we can structure such an appropriate response.

Very truly yours,

DC

Let me bold one of these parts for emphasis:

Though I could not have predicted these specifics, I am not surprised that Ben is dealing with a challenge of personal development. His passion for football and the remarkable success resulting from his commitment to the game necessarily means that he has compromised his development in other areas. No person has unlimited capacity. I believe that Ben's challenge is to channel some of the energy he has committed to becoming an extraordinary player into becoming an equally extraordinary person.

Forget the rest of the letter, a lot of which I actually agree with. When I cockwhip some chick in public, it doesn't make it to TMZ. BUT...the thought that Ben is out bein' all rapey because he's spending so much time in the film room is one of the most asinine things I've ever heard in my life. And I once listened to Glenn Beck's radio show daily. Ben is just...he is not and likely never will be known for his "commitment to the game". He's not Peyton Manning. Or Tom Brady. Or Jerry Rice. Or the ghost of Steve McNair. Or anyone noted for anything even kind of related to commitment and passion and anything like that. You never saw Jon Gruden punching bitches in the face and blaming it on a 20-hour day at the office. Hines Ward never raped anyone with his tiny Asian wang and attributed it to the extreme passion he has for blocking. Santonio Holmes never....well, never mind. Point is, that's not Ben. And even if it were Ben, it would likely be ridiculous.

I'll buy the concussions theory. That may have some validity and could use some extra study. But saying that Ben Roethlisberger is a tremendous douche because he loves football so much? That repulses the part of my brain that processes information. It legitimately paused while I yelled at it to work and tell me what I had just read. Then it tried to quit and I had to talk it down from the ledge.

Can football possibly be the only thing that would cause such a condition? We'll call it "Personal Evolution Nearly Impossible Syndrome" (PENIS). Ben cannot be the only athlete or other personality suffering from PENIS, can he? Did Kobe Bryant's PENIS cause him to rape that chick in Colorado? Does somebody like the aforementioned Glenn Beck have such a history of douchiness because of PENIS? Bill Cowher obviously had some tremendous passion for football...how did he steer clear of PENIS during his career? And when did Ben's PENIS first take hold? How old are you when you learn not to rape? 20? I doubt Ben was all about football during his time at Miami Ohio, but then again, I'm only basing that on just about every anecdote I've ever heard about his time there.

So play it safe, kids, and take a break from that homework. You wouldn't want geometry to lead to a sexual assault.

PR

2010-04-12T13:07:00.000-07:00

Ben, thanks for stopping by today. As I understand, you've had a bit of a hit to your image recently.

Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months. Ever since I raped that second chick, everybody thinks I'm a rapist.

You don't say. Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Fuckstick and Jones, we specialize in rebuilding that trust and public image that you've dismantled with your recent actions. We help the media to see the real Ben again. You will be redeemed, Ben.

You must be Fuckstick.

Uh...yeah. Anyway, I see you have brought a friend with you.

Yeah, that's my man Willie Colon. He's my offensive lineman. My right-hand man. Say hi, Willie.

...he's kind of shy. Anyway, what have you got cooked up for me?

Well...you've really done a number on yourself, Ben. People absolutely hate you right now. Women are appalled that you're raping them, men are appalled at the low quality of the women that you rape. The men we can worry about later. First step is to get women back on your side.

That's a great idea. How we gonna do that? Maybe I could do some breast cancer speeches or maybe bake some shit? I could do some kind of charity for battered women. You know, the one Silverback was gonna do if he actually gave a fuck about his public perception.

Well....that's what we would have suggested last year. But this is your second rape. Most people on their second rape are kind of, you know, in prison. We're going to have to go a step further for you.

You want me to actually do some community service of some sort? I could donate a lot of money to a woman's charity or something like that.

Let's just say...this one's gonna hurt you somewhere other than the wallet. I'm glad you brought your friend Willie with you.

...uh, yeah. I bring Willie everywhere. He makes sure I don't get in any trouble.

Well, he's obviously doing a heck of a job.

Ben, would you say that Willie is a good friend? Like, a real good friend?

Of course, me and Willie are total BFFs.

And you trust Willie? You have a good enough friendship and enough security to overcome certain...activities?

Uhhh...what are you getting at?

We figure there's really only one way for you to connect with these women that are against you even playing in the NFL again.

What is that? Willie sucks at baking. He's not going to be able to help me there.

Ben...we need Willie to rape you.

Whoa, motherfucker! I don't swing that way, bitch! I'm not even under contract right now!

But Willie, surely you see...

I don't see shit, motherfucker! Cut him! Trade the motherfucker! I don't recall being asked to rape Dennis Dixon. Fuck. That.

But Willie, this just might work. And we're total BFFs...

Man, fuck you! I ain't raping you! I'm not even the rapist here. THAT'S YOU! YOU NEED TO STOP RAPING PEOPLE!

I told you, Willie, I swear, that was my last rape!

Willie, this is the only way to salvage Ben's reputation.

Fuck off, man! Everybody knows he did it. His reputation is irreparable. What's me raping him gonna do? You think this is a media distraction right now? Just imagine until it gets out that the Steelers players are raping each other. I'm supposed to deal with that on the road? Man, fuck this. I'm out of here.

Come on, Willie!

*Willie leaves the room*

Damn it. I figured that might happen. Ben, do you know anyone else who may be alright with this plan?

I think I got this covered.

*Pulls out cell phone*

Yo yo Big Ben, what's goin on my man?

Hey Jeff, we got a keg down here at....

I'll be right there.

*hangs up*

You think you can get a keg?

Rooney II 'fucking thrilled' over new Holmes allegations

2010-03-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The usually cold and docile winter in this working-class city has been heating up as of recent over criminal allegations levied against players from its once-proud football team.

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes is the latest player to play the role of defendant, as he is the target of a civil suit by a Florida woman claiming that he threw a full glass at her in the VIP section of an Orlando nightclub on March 7, causing a laceration under her eye. She claims that Holmes, along with help from the Orlando Police, used his NFL cachet to dissuade her from pressing criminal charges at the time.

All of this has team president Art Rooney II livid.

"Yeah, I'm fucking thrilled about this", Rooney II said sarcastically. "This is fucking great. This is just what we fucking needed right now".

When pushed for comments on Holmes' upcoming contract negotiations, Rooney II continued with the sarcastic responses.

"Yeah, let's make him the highest-paid fucking woman beater in this entire fucking league. And that's saying something with all of these dickheads punching their fucking whores all the time. This reflects really fucking well on our league and our team. This is Pittsburgh fucking Steeler football right here".

"I'm sure Jack Ham is fucking loving this shit", Rooney II continued. "I know Mean Joe Greene is eating this up. This is what those guys built. They intended for the Pittsburgh Steelers to eventually turn into an organized fucking crime syndicate", he said, dripping with more sarcasm as he went along.

"Rod Woodson's gotta be fucking loving this, too. And the fucking coaching staff. I bet Dick LeBeau's dick is hard over this shit".

Rooney II then taunted the assembled media for even asking for his opinion.

"So, now you goatfuckers know what I'm thinking. I'm sure it would have been real fucking hard for everybody to imagine how I'd react to this without actually fucking asking me these retard fucking questions. So, do any of you fucking idiots have anything else you'd like to know? Do you want me to start sucking your dicks just to show how fucking happy I am that my entire team is out raping and fucking woman-beating?".

Rooney II then stormed out of the room without sucking any dicks. A phone call to a team spokesman asking for further comment was not returned.

Safe Place

2010-03-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

I took a Mensa test a few weeks ago. Half of it was the Wonderlic. Yeah, those 50 questions aren't too hard at all, but the timed aspect makes them kind of ridic. Sure, it's not too hard to find out how long 210 pounds of beef lasts a family that eats 1 2/5 pounds per day. But it is when you have 14 seconds to do it. Ironically, vegetarians usually ace that question. And yes, I realize that that joke wasn't actually ironic. Just wanted to clear that up.

Anyway, the test was at a branch of the Broward County Public Library system. And I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this library was MAYBE on par with the library at good old Gateway Middle School in Monroeville, PA. Yes. The school that I went to for 5th and 6th grade has a comparable library to BROWARD FUCKING COUNTY. The actual Monroeville public library blew it out of the God damn water. Goooo, Florida! I wish I had gotten a picture, but the people who showed up at 9:45 am and waited by the doors so that they could get in at 10 and use the computers were some freaking characters. People never cease to amaze me.

Point is, the above sign was affixed onto the side of the library. And I looked at it and thought, that's kind of strange. I mean, look at it. AND THEN, yesterday, at the gym where I play dodgeball on Wednesday nights, was ANOTHERof these signs! WHAT THE F? Look at that thing? Did Ben Roethlisberger design that? Is this a safe haven for rapists and gropers? Seeing this sign twice at two non-consecutive buildings made me feel like Groper Cleveland. I'll be here all week.

Seriously, though...for whom is this meant to invoke feelings of safety? Who wants someone to sneak up behind them for a quick interracial groping? I'm positive that at least 20% of sexual assault that goes on in South Florida is a direct result of this "come rape me!" sign. Maybe the next generation of this sign will describe a non-arousal zone and have a picture of a flaccid penis on it. Only you can prevent crotch fires.

JAX

2010-03-23T06:11:00.000-07:00

Jacksonville, Florida. Largest city in Florida by population, believe it or not. Almost twice the population of Miami. So why can't they fill the stadium up? I mean, they are first rate! As PFT states:

As the Jaguars try to recover from a season that featured home crowds in the lower reaches of 40,000, owner Wayne Weaver said at the annual meetings in Orlando that he is encouraged by the early sales for 2010, in the wake of last week's initial deadline for season-ticket renewals.

"I think it came in really well," Weaver said Monday, per Michael C. Wright of the Florida Times-Union. "Our renewal rate is going to be way up compared to the past. We've got a long way to go, but it's moving well."

As Wright explains it, Friday's deadline applied to the eight-month payment plan, which includes eligibility for various prizes, like a trip to one of the team's road games, where fans might be able to experience the thrill of a full NFL stadium. (Unless the game is in Tampa.)

The team's official web site currently shows that 16,242 season tickets have been renewed, and that 29,418 tickets per game must be sold to avoid local blackouts. Last season, only one of ten home games met the minimum threshold for sales, permitting the contest to be televised locally.

I've been to Jacksonville Municipal Stadium for a couple of Gator Bowls, and it's a first-rate facility. Jacksonville also is, in our view, a first-rate town. So we continue to be flummoxed by the failure of the locals to fill the place up. It's NFL football, folks -- and with another year or two of 40,000 fans per game, it won't be NFL football for much longer.

It seems a lot of people don't understand the demographics of Jacksonville that clearly. Sure, it has a population of 800,000. That's almost three times that of Buffalo and over twice that of Pittsburgh and Cleveland, three places that have no problems filling up a stadium. And two of those places have terrible teams. Much worse than the Jaguars have been over the past few years. The Jags won a playoff game as recently as 2007. So why can't these people go to the game?

Because those numbers are misleading. Jacksonville has an area about 15 TIMES that of Miami.

Take a look at Jacksonville. It's the largest city in the lower-48 by terms of land area. It takes up almost the ENTIRE COUNTY. The metro area that has 1.3 million people in it takes up like, 5 counties. It's the fourth largest in the state...behind Orlando. Not even taking into account the economic depression in the area...it's just not that big.

Let's look at NFL cities and their metro areas:

New York 19.0
Chicago 9.6
Dallas 6.3
Philadelphia 5.8
Houston 5.7
Miami 5.4
Atlanta 5.4
Washington D.C. 5.4
Boston 4.5
Detroit 4.4
Phoenix 4.3
San Francisco/Oakland 4.3
Seattle 3.3
Minneapolis 3.2
San Diego 3.0
St. Louis 2.8
Tampa Bay 2.7
Baltimore 2.7
Denver 2.5
Pittsburgh 2.4
Cincinnati 2.2
Cleveland 2.1
Kansas City 2.0
Indianapolis 1.7
Charlotte 1.7
Nashville 1.6
Jacksonville 1.3
New Orleans 1.1
Buffalo 1.1
Green Bay 0.3 (112 miles north of Milwaukee 1.5 M)

Jacksonville is right at the bottom. I'm not even going to count Green Bay here because they are such an anomaly. And they have, like, a history. I guess both teams share Mark Brunell.

Jacksonville's metro area takes up 3,700 square miles. Buffalo's takes up 1,600. New Orleans has a comparable area, however, the city itself is about a fifth the area of Jacksonville's. Basically, there just aren't that many people living near Jacksonville's stadium. Combined with the fact that they don't have that much money and that the team is relatively new...I can understand that they can't get 70,000 people to the stadium. That's one-tenth of their people. And I'm not even taking age into account. If New York put one-tenth of their people into the stadium, they'd have to sit about 30 to a seat. Pittsburgh would fill their stadium to almost 4 times it's capacity.

What I'm saying is...there probably shouldn't be an NFL team in Jacksonville.

Bleacher Report experiment

2010-03-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

I've railed against Bleacher Report quite often recently, it seems. So why not join them?

I've argued that you can put just about ANYTHING up there and get away with it. So why not test out my theory? Well, I did.

Registering was surprisingly easy. Name, password, email. I used this email and the name "Tommy Writerson". Yep. It was that easy to register as "Tommy Writerson" and get onto the website right away. I mean immediately. I posted the following article within 20 minutes of registering:

Quarantine: Steelers Should Keep Ben From Leading Dixon To Life of Rape

By Tommy Writerson

Pictured is the potential face of the 2010 Pittsburgh Steelers...a Mr. Dennis Dixon. He's so inexperienced that he doesn't even know he's supposed to wear a helmet.

Assuming incumbent QB and two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback Benjamin Roethlisberger rapes his way into prison this off-season, Dixon will likely be the guy that coach Mike Tomlin goes to at the position. At the very least, he should get the first crack at it. Dixon started in place of the recently concussedRoethlisberger in 2009 in Baltimore, performing admirably but ultimately contributing to the Raven victory with a costly overtime interception.

That is, if Ben doesn't lead Dixon into a life of rape.

Ben's case is hovering above the Steelers this off-season like a stormy black cloud, or like some sort of futuristic hovercraft that also has a propensity to rape. However, he has not been charged and is free to participate in off-season workouts with the team.

They should not allow him to do so.

Allowing Ben to impart his rape-wisdom onto Dixon at best will not help in the slightest with the young QB's development and will at worstjump start Dixon down a similar path to a life of groping and other wanton sexual advances upon young, vulnerable women.

It's the same reason teams do not want to bring in either of the Joneses in. Both Pac-Man and Matt have shown flashes of ability in their young, troubled careers, however, there is no telling what the presence of either will do for the other young players on a team's roster. The Bengals took a huge risk on Matt Jones. Will he help teammate ReyMaualuga develop a cocaine addiction? Would, say, the Lions signing Pac-Man result in Calvin Johnson arranging a drive-by shooting against his high school guidance counselor? Only time will tell.

While Ben has not been formally charged with any crime(s) at this point, he has two sexual harassment/rape accusations against him in nine months and where there is sexually assaulted smoke there is usually sexually assaulted fire. The Steelers can absolutely not allow him to tarnish their potential QB of the future. Quarantine Dennis Dixon from the rapist influences of BenRoethlisberger.

Or risk Tim Tebow becoming the final hope.

And lo and behold, there it was. For a good three hours. I finally received the following message from Bleacher Report:

Hey Tommy,

Your article "Quarantine: Steelers Should Keep Ben From Leading Dixon To Life of Rape" was deleted from Bleacher Report, either because it failed to meet the network's Content Standards or because it was a duplicate submission.

Please note that the deletion does not reflect the quality of the article and should not be taken personally. If you have any questions or concerns about the deletion, please raise them in our Customer Support Community:
http://getsatisfaction.com/bleacherreport/
Best,

The Bleacher Report Team

Well it sure as fuck wasn't a duplicate submission, meaning that they must not like articles joking about rape. Or teammates raping with teammates. Or something like that.

The fact that my drivel was up there for as long as it was says a lot about the website. Sure, they eventually got around to deleting it, but not for a few hours afterwards. It was not put through a submission process even though I was a brand new writer named TOMMY WRITERSON. Nothing. It was just there. And Bleacher Report has some pull, as this is currently the fifth or so result on a Google search for Dennis Dixon:

Wow. And this site is actually respected and held in high esteem by some.

The main reason for this? I read this article today.

The money quote:

Before he and the Steelers move too far down that road, I'd like to propose a different solution. After what happened last year with the defense, one of the team's biggest needs is at defensive back. What about Sweed? Everybody says he has all the moves, and he's fast. Also, anyone who saw the AFC title game against the Baltimore Ravens knows he can hit.

Why couldn't he play corner? . The biggest obstacle I can see is perhaps Sweed wants to be a receiver and nothing else. But I find it hard to believe that the same person who clobbered that forgotten Raven two years ago would turn down a chance to play defense. Best of all no one would really be expecting him to catch passes!

Yep. "Let's move Sweed to corner!". For real. That was a legit article. And it was NOT pulled. Yet mine was. I'll try to get some clarification.

Old RBs

2010-03-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

Sweet, an old ass running back from Latrobe!

But that's not what I meant by old. I mean old as in, they are old men. They are over 30! OMG! Old ass men toting the rock. And during my rounds today, I came across an article at Bleacher Report (I don't know why I even bother with that site, but I do) questioning that notion because, well, I mean...Thomas Jones ran for a lot of yards last year and he was old!

The running back used to be the premier position in the National Football League, but in recent years teams have adopted a platoon or running back by committee approach. Not long ago we were talking about Emmitt Smith, Barry Sanders, Herschel Walker, and players of that caliber.

Ahhh, yes...Herschel Walker. He of the one season over 270 carries and 1,100 yards. He was the definition of "feature back". But I digress...I get the point. Many more RBs by committee these days, it seems. That is purely anecdotal and I'm not researching it either, because I have THINGS TO DO.

Every year there is a new young running back that breaks on the scene; Chris Johnson, Beanie Wells, and Ray Rice. Those names do not invoke the type of nostalgia, or even excitement for the most part.

Yes, Chris Johnson had a good season, coming close to breaking the single season rushing yardage record and many exciting runs of 50-plus yards along the way. But none of the players I named have any signature moments that will last for decades, because in the next four years most of them will have diminished playing time or looking for another team.

Hmm. Maybe. Quite possibly so. Outside of the part where Chris Johnson doesn't invoke excitement. That's ridiculous. The mere mention of Chris Johnson's name could get Terri Schiavo's dick hard. Saying "CJ" around the elderly is considered more dangerous than yelling "bomb" in a movie theater. Well...it would be if people still went to movie theaters. But you get my point. Chris Johnson is so exciting that I have to go and change my pants. I'll be right back. In the meantime, take it away, "Marcus S" of Bleacher Report:

If you doubt this theory, see if you can name the backup running backs for Emmitt Smith, Barry Sanders, Herschel Walker, and Eric Dickerson. But I am quite sure you can name the backups for the former three players I mentioned.

Uhhh...no, I can't. But...you want to cite Eric Dickerson and Herschel Walker as players who wouldn't change teams or have diminished roles? Dickerson peaked in his second year. Check it out for yourself. He set the NFL record for yardage that season and averaged 5.6 yards per carry, however, he never exceeded 4.6 in that department during the remainder of his career. He was at least a full yard-per-carry worse for the remainer of his career. He ran for 2,105 at age 24 and then exceeded 1,500 yards in a season only twice before he retired, needing NFL-record levels of carries to do so. In fact, he is a perfect argument against what Marcus S is trying to suggest. Same with Walker. Huge peak season at 26, barely anything after being traded to Minnesota. These guys kill your argument, Marcus!

Teams are finding more creative ways to save money and maximize their talent, but to in essence de-emphasize a position across the board is almost unheard of.

Yeah, if they don't have players of Walker's or Dickerson's caliber. Chris Johnson had almost 360 carries last year. Steven Jackson is definitely the go-to guy on the Rams. These guys do exist. But when you're the Houston Texans and you have someone like Steve Slaton leading the way, you may mix some other guys in. Look at the 1983 New Orleans Saints. They didn't have any Hall of Famers at RB and split carries almost evenly between George Rogers and Wayne Wilson (who?). In fact, they beat Rogers to death in his first year, giving him 378 carries as he rushed for almost 1,700 yards. He only exceeded 300 carries once more in his career, five years later in Washington. You know, maybe more teams do this kind of stuff now, but it really is starting to look to me like it's not some kind of crazy new NFL wizardry. It's been going on for as long as running backs have been getting repeatedly tackled by large men.

This strategy has reached a new level in the past few weeks as Brian Westbrook, former standout running back for the Philadelphia Eagles, LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers, and Thomas Jones from the New York Jets were all cut by their respective teams.

Yeah, because they are all old. And they are under contract for a fuckton of money. You don't think that their original teams would have liked to keep them around at lower rates?

Emmitt Smith finished his career washed up in Arizona. He started to decline much like Tomlinson did, only he was about 2 or 3 years older when it happened. Probably helped that he was running behind an offensive line of Giant Sequoias. Sanders retired at 29. Who knows what would have happened to him had his numbers fallen off and had he been owed like, $5 mil. This isn't a strategy so much as it's admitting that there is a bevy of cheaper, younger, and frankly, better options out there to replace them.

If you had to name the top 10 running backs in the NFL a few years ago, all of these players would be in the conversation, but only a few seasons later all of them are looking for a new beginning with a new team.

There are inherent problems with this philosophy. Sure, any team with a good offensive line can put even a decent running back in there and he will have success. Having an elite running back is not just about running the football; the biggest thing young running backs struggle with is the pass protection and hot reads that are required from the running back position.

This is of paramount importance because your $100 million dollar quarterback’s last line of defense is most often times the running back blocking for him or catching a dump pass out of the back field. Now, in order to save a little change they want to roll the dice with inexperienced players protecting the backside of your highest paid one?

Who cares what you could have said 4 years ago? If you asked me 4 years ago who the best QB was, I wouldn't have said Michael Vick. Although some people may have. And now he's like, 8th string behind Kevin Kolb. If you would have asked me 60 years ago what the coolest new country was, I probably would have said India.

As far as these RBs being awesome pass blockers, I'll need a bit more info to make that determination. Thomas Jones, in the role of "last line of defense in the form of a dump off pass", had 10 catches last season. He's caught over 40 passes exactly once in his illustrious, Walter Payton-esque career. Speaking of Payton, Marcus, you should have cited Sweetness. He was 30 years old during that great 1984 season and had a hell of a late-career resurgence.

The myth that running backs get burned out at age 30 is a bit of a white lie. What has started to happen is teams migrate to run primarily a passing offense because the Colts, Patriots, and others have been successful with it. This is de-emphasizing the running game, as New England, Arizona, and Indianapolis have never really been known for their running game.

It is a white lie smothered in blatant anecdotal evidence. There is so much evidence that this lie is actually truth that anybody who wades into it may actually suffocate. Let's take a look-see.

Here is a list of the greatest single-season yardage outputs by NFL running backs. Tiki Barber is the only 30-year old in the top 25. Barry Sanders is the only other player in the top 25 who is even aged 29 at the time of their big year. The list is chock-full of 24s, 25s and 26s. Thomas Jones' 2009 season, which Marcus will reference in a bit, is the fourth-greatest single season by a 31+ year old running back in NFL history, going by yardage.

By yardage, it's tied for THE 121st BEST SEASON OF ALL-TIME.

One more time. 121st. Now let's look at passing yardage.Quite a different story...sure there are some young guys up there, but look at all of the 30+ year seasons. Warren Moon threw for the 10th most single-season yards in history at age 35!!! I don't know if a 35-year old running back has ever even lead his family in rushing yards, let alone all but like, 6 or 7 other NFL players ever. If youth was overrated for a running back, we'd surely see some seasons of at least 30 or so years old popping up on that initial list. But we just don't. Marcus, conveniently, doesn't cite any numbers except:

As a result, these teams have not given these running backs the same amount of carries that they had in previous years, so of course their numbers are going to drop. On top of that, teams have started to acquire pass blocking specialists at the offensive line positions, and some of these players are only average run blockers.

Thomas Jones did more to dispel the myth than anyone else last season; he rushed for over 1,400 yards and 14 touchdowns. This was the best season of his career, and he is 31 years old, so is Jones some type of exception to the rule?

Yep, Thomas Jones. Along with Tiki Barber, John Riggins, Walter Payton, and maybe Ricky Williams and Curtis Martin, exceptions to the rule. I guess it's almost impossible to prove, but the statistics strongly suggest that these guys are exceptions. And they don't get the ball as much because they aren't nearly as good as they used to be. Funny how that works.

His career was average before the past two seasons, and he all of a sudden turns in his rocking chair for a career season? Even with all of that, the Jets still jettisoned him in favor of Shonn Greene, who has yet to play a 16 game season in the NFL.

Money, first and foremost. He was commanding a high salary and they had a younger, cheaper guy right behind him that may have ran even better. It's simple.

I think Greene is a good player, but he does not have the experience of Thomas Jones and has not proven he can make it through an entire season healthy. He fumbled away the game against the Dolphins earlier last season, and had his moments where he was lost in pass protection.

I'd like to see one of those moments where he wandered over to the sideline, begging Thomas Jones to tell him who he should pick up on the blitz.

Jones signed with the Chiefs, taking about a $4 million dollar pay cut in the process. All of these signs point to one truth; Emmitt Smith’s career rushing record will last for decades. No running back for the foreseeable future is going to get the same opportunity to be the featured guy for over 13 years.

Emmitt Smith ran for a total of 18,355 yards during his 15-season NFL career; LaDainian Tomlinson (who just signed with the Jets) has rushed for only 12,490 yards and is now considered “over the hill.” There is no way Tomlinson will get another 5,000 or 6,000 rushing yards because he will not get enough opportunities to get to that number.

LaDainian Tomlinson absolutely would have gotten that opportunity had he not swan-dove off a cliff following the 2007 season. Let's compare his late 20's numbers to those of Smith.

At 27, he ran for over 1,800 yards and averaged 5.2 yards per carry, scoring a record 27 TDs in the process. He followed that up at 28 by slowing a bit to 4.7 YPC. In the past two years he's fallen to 3.8 and, last year, an abysmal 3.3 yards per carry. But, he didn't get enough carries! He had 292 two years ago and 223 this past season. 223 is wayyyyyyy way way too many carries to give to a guy averaging 3.3 yards per carry. They gave him every opportunity to challenge Emmitt's record in the past two years. He took those 515 carries and turned them into 1,840 yards. Even Eddie George (another perfect case of a guy falling off) thinks that's horrible. Eddie George was ran into the ground just like the old-timers that Marcus noted earlier. He responded with 3.0 yard/carry seasons.

Emmitt, on the other hand, did not run like he did in his youth when he got to Tomlinson's age, however, he still produced. During his age 29 season, he took his 319 carries and averaged 4.2 yards per carry with them. The next season at age 30, he received 329 carries because he was still averaging 4.2 yards per carry. That's a full yard better than Tomlinson's age 30 season. That's why Tomlinson won't break his record. Smith fell only to 3.9 and 3.8 yards/carry at 32 and 33 before playing out the string in Arizona. So, when Smith was run out of Dallas, he was STILL performing at a level greater than Tomlinson did in the past two years. So, the plight of LaDainian Tomlinson will have fuckall to do with whether or not some player eventually breaks Smith's yardage record. Also, after Smith's huge 25-TD, 1,700+ yard age 26 Super Bowl season? He never received the same workload again.

Looking at the statistics, the only active players who have over 10,000 yards are as follows:

LaDainian Tomlinson (Jets) – 12,490
Edgerrin James (No Team) – 12,246
Fred Taylor (No Team) – 11,540
Jamal Lewis (May Retire) – 10,607

(Statistics courtesy of http://www.pro-football-reference.com)

As you can see, none of them are even close to Emmitt and the only one that has a real shot is LT, but his contract in New York is only for two years and he isn’t the featured guy.

I don't even know what the point of that was. Now the purpose of the article is to point out how safe Emmitt Smith's record is? Again, I have no idea why I waste my time responding to Bleacher Report articles, but here I am.

The NFL running back is now dead or in a state of hibernation depending on how you look at it. Maybe in the next five to 10 years the league will change back to a more balanced set of offenses that once again emphasize the run.

The reasons for which have already been covered. Yes, it's a passing league now. I'd also add that there are more young, cheap running backs available that can do an adequate job and that collisions are probably much more violent these days. Players have gotten faster. Players have gotten bigger. Joints have NOT gotten bigger. Knee ligaments have NOT gotten stronger. Science and drugs have helped our musculature skip an way ahead in their evolution, which has not been the case elsewhere in our bodies. At least, that's my theory. Someday I think the rest of our body will evolve and catch-up. But by that time, middle linebackers may be able to shoot laser-beams out of their eyes.

Walmart finally shortens up those check-out lines

2010-03-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm actually quite disappointed in the Internet for the less-than-stellar image results for "Angry black man". I'm also surprised that it isn't a Wu-Tang song.

Anyway, race always sells. And me, a white guy from suburban Pittsburgh breaking down all of this blackness for you? Oh man, that's what the Internet is all about. So I'm going to wade right into the middle of this race-fest.

Sunday evening, tragedy struck a Walmart store in beautiful Washington Township, NJ, which is named after Leon Washington. Everybody was minding their own business, taking advantage of the laws of supply and demand and picking up some cheap black Barbies, when a man took over the PA system and racial bigotry ensued:

A male voice came over the public-address system Sunday evening at a store in Washington Township, in southern New Jersey, and calmly announced: "Attention, Walmart customers: All black people, leave the store now."

Whoa! That's insensitive, random prankster! Walmart's insufficient response suggested that they financed the entire operation.

Shoppers in the store at the time said a manager quickly got on the public-address system and apologized for the remark. And while it was unclear whether a rogue patron or an employee was responsible for the comment, many customers expressed their anger to store management.

Jeez, black people. What do you want them to do? No crime was committed. It was obviously some rogue customer getting access to the PA system. Do you want them to protect the phones with fingerprint recognition? Do you want free white Barbies? What do you want?

I know, let's send the media in to blow this whole thing up and really give us an insight into the current state of race relations! That will make everyone happy and we'll all learn a valuable lesson!

Step one in the media handbook for incidents like these: locate angry black people.

"I want to know why such statements are being made, because it flies in the face of what we teach our children about tolerance for all," said Sheila Ellington, who was in the store at the time with a friend. "If this was meant to be a prank, there's only one person laughing, and it's not either one of us."

Let me answer that for you, Sheila...because some people think it's funny. Because no amount of racial sensitivity training in the world will stop certain people from thinking it's funny. It's a joke. Worse racial jokes appear in stand-up routines all the time and people freaking ROFL all over the place. We teach our children that white and black people are not different and that we are all human and that we all have rights and that black people aren't going to just rape your children when they get bored and yada yada. Are you suggesting that the culprit in this prank may have learned this joke from his 5th grade teacher? This is not racial intolerance. It's a damn joke. Racial intolerance is when the Washington Township city council says that you have to use a separate water fountain.

Ellington, of Monroe, and her friend Patricia Covington said they plan to boycott the retailer until they're assured the issue has been addressed so it doesn't happen again.

The pair said they were stunned when they heard the announcement and initially believed they had misheard it. But once the words sank in, they grew angry.

"I depended on Walmart for all my needs, because the store has pretty much everything you could want," Covington said. "But until this issue is addressed in a way I'm comfortable with, I can't walk through those doors again."

What in the horsefuck do you want them to do? Provide racial sensitivity training to everyone that walks in the door? Change the passcode on their PA system daily? This is WALMART. Things are cheap there because they pay the employees in Haitian gourdes. So the code is going to get out. The only way to stop this from happening is to only allow black people to shop in the store. Because then, even if they make the same joke, at least it will be coming from another black person.

But, whatever, Walmart. Gotta satisfy your customers. Your move.

Officials with Wal-MartStores Inc., based in Bentonville, Ark., said that the announcement was "unacceptable" and that they're trying to determine who made it and how it happened.

"We are just as appalled by this incident as our customers," the company said in a statement. "Whoever did this is just wrong and acted in an inappropriate manner. Clearly, this is completely unacceptable to us and to our customers."

Why? Why are they wasting their time? Let me fix this for you, Walmart, free of charge. This incident happened because some people out there make insensitive jokes. I'm one of them myself. And here's how it happened...the PA system has a code you can press that will allow you access, in case, say, an employee needs to call a manager to the condoms aisle. Well...ok, I know that no one would shop in that aisle in the black Walmart, but you know what I mean. To fix this, you'll have to restrict access to employees only, maybe through some kind of card that needs swiped or maybe through a program that can recognize a voice or maybe through dick scanning technology or something of that sort. And this will cost you some money, but you can make it back by raising the price of black Barbie.

Otherwise, you will run the risk of this incident repeating itself through copycat pranksters. One great way to ensure this is to keep talking to the Associated Press about it.

There have been several past instances of black customers claiming they were treated unfairly at Walmart stores, and the company faced lawsuits alleging that women were passed over in favor of men for pay raises and promotions.

In February 2009, the retailer paid $17.5 million to settle a class action lawsuit alleging racial discrimination in its hiring of truck drivers.

And the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission sued the company in May 2009, claiming some Hispanic employees at a Sam's Club subsidiary in California were subjected to a hostile work environment. That suit alleges managers failed to stop repeated verbal harassment, including the use of derogatory words, against employees of Mexican descent.

All many times more racist/sexist/etc than this isolated incident that had fuckall to do with Walmart itself. This kind of reporting is why we all think that Lyle Alzado died from steroids and that Julius Caesar didn't fuck dudes in water fountains.

However, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People has said the company has worked hard in recent years to show it cares about diversity.

Yeah, they probably grew tired of being sued all the time. More angry black people, please:

Bill Mitchell, a former Walmart employee who was shopping Wednesday at the store, said that he was saddened to hear about the announcement but that "as a black man, I've heard worse things."

Yeah, starting with "anything actually hateful". As a white man, I've heard worse things. As a motherfucking human, I've heard worse things. Media, can we find a non-angry black person or would that go against your creed?

As customer Sharon Osbourne, of Williamstown, left the store Wednesday, she called the announcement "appalling, stupid and sad."

Guess not. Listen, black people can be pissed all they want, and maybe I don't get it because I'm not black and can't grow dreads and all that but, I'm gonna say it. Lighten up, black people. Or AT LEAST don't blame Walmart for this one. Save that blame for next month when they pay Mexican employees in flour.

The reactions by the AP to this story and from the parties involved say more to me about current race relations than any sensitivity class could.

More manatee rape

2010-03-16T06:16:00.000-07:00

One mistake I've made here involved linking images directly from Google searches. You know, I'll write something about tits, search Google for tits, use that picture, and then have nothing but hits from people who Google-searched for tits and came disappointed as hell to this site. Probably looking for something like double penetration or jizz lattes or something like that and ending up reading some retarded diatribe about Braylon Edwards.

Well, one of those mistakes involves manatees. More specifically, manatee rape. That was from June of 2008. Almost two years ago, although it's quite topical as rape is my theme for this month. It makes no sense. I don't know why I wrote it. It probably took all of 20 minutes. It's not very good. Yet, the mere thought of treating a fucked-up sea abortion that is the manatee in any manner outside of revering it as if it sat to the left of Jesus Christ himself opens one up to a vicious berating from one of the Internet's finest.

The first was from June 28 of that year. From "zeutraca", which refers to an ancient Alexandrian dish consisting of cocktail shrimp covered in zebra pubes:

Manatees are glorious creatures that should be respected. Had you been more creative with the styles of raping, i might allow you to pat yourself on the back. Not nearly enough creativity went into this.. the RPS was decent. And easier than an alabama teenager? Wow. Pretty easy then,right? Wrong. Lets get off this stereotype that southern states are the slum of the u.s. You are a d bag.. sucks doesn't it?

Manatees can suck me. Do you respect all creatures, zeutraca? What do you do for the manatees? Really, what do you do? Anything? Because me drawing MS Paint pictures of raped manatees does fuckall to counter the "save the manatees" efforts. No manatees were harmed in the making of those pictures. They were drawn in paint. And this is obvious, as no manatee looks even half as good as they do in those pictures.

As far as the Southern states being the slums of the U.S. are concerned...they are. Let's lean on our friend "statistics":

# 1	Mississippi:
# 2	Louisiana:
# 3	New Mexico:
# 4	District of Columbia:
= 5	Arkansas:
= 5	West Virginia:
# 7	Kentucky:
# 8	Texas:
# 9	Alabama:
# 10	South Carolina:

That is from this site and ranks states by percentage of residents below poverty level. However, that is just a quick by-the-book check against the term "slums of the U.S.". Let's look at teenage pregnancy rates by state:

States ranked by rates of pregnancy among women age 15-19 (pregnancies per thousand):

Nevada (113)
Arizona (104)
Mississippi (103)
New Mexico (103)
Texas (101)
Florida (97)
California (96)
Georgia (95)
North Carolina (95)
Arkansas (93)

States ranked by rates of live births among women age 15-19 (births per thousand):

Mississippi (71)
Texas (69)
Arizona (67)
Arkansas (66)
New Mexico (66)
Georgia (63)
Louisiana (62)
Nevada (61)
Alabama (61)
Oklahoma (60)

Obviously, the numbers are biased as well. The reasons stereotypes exist is because they are usually true to some degree. And in this case, they certainly are. Teenagers in Southern states will fuck anything they see regardless of species and probably get it pregnant. And if you are wondering, I live in Florida and I know first-hand just how indescribable the South is. Does that mean that everybody in the South is a pregnant teenager and nobody can read and write? Of course not. But you'd have to not be a complete retard to realize that.

Anyway, the real reason for this post is that I received an email alerting me to this comment today:

You are a sick fuck. this is not funny its discusting, do u really have nothing better to do than make up some sick shit about an endangered species. i hope someone rapes you and runs you over with their car you perverted piece of shit. And if u want to post "jokes" than find sumthing at least half amusing that will appeal to someone other than confused an angry hicks. what did your daddy touch you and now your showing your anger through pathedic talentless halfass attempts at cartoons and what you think is witty comments. News flash YOUR NOT FUNNY. you are cruel to even joke about something so vulgar. All jokes are derived from truth so you must be pretty fuck up in the head. honestly animal abuse is something people should burn in hell for and joking about it ...its not much different. Hope you grow up, get a life and go see a shrink or something.

Thanks, "Asimian Kortex". Thanks for your wise, misspelled words. It is discusting, and no, I didn't have anything better to do than make up something completely irrelevant about an endangered species. By definition, if anyone has something better they could be doing, they will typically do that thing. And would this have all been ok if it weren't an endangered species? Like, can we rape deer? If only deer swam into the path of boats all the time and endangered themselves, then we could treat them with respect, too.

I see you mentioned "confused an angry hicks", Mr./Mrs. Kortex. Bad move, as you've already lost zeutraca and all of her pregnant daughters. You also mentioned that all jokes are based on truth (which is so patently ridiculous that it merits it's own topic) immediately after talking about fathers touching their kids inappropriately. So I'm sorry that you had to go through that at a young age...must be a very difficult ordeal to place on the shoulders of a young child. I can see that it also strongly inhibited development in the part of your brain that processes grammatical information. Child abuse is something that people should burn in hell for even joking about. Wait...no, my bad. Animal abuse is. My bad. Child abuse is cool. I keep confusing the two.

One day I will get a life. I will stop talking about raping manatees with Buicks. I will make a difference in this world, 24/7. I will not sleep as long as there are Philippino children that I could be circumcising for peace. But until that day, fuck manatees and fuck people that worship them, too.

I hope a manatee date rapes both of you.

More Tebow jazz

2010-03-12T06:26:00.000-08:00

Yes, people are still at it. This is the ORLANDO SENTINEL, a legit newspaper, showing its liberal bias:

Reports surfaced over the weekend that Tim Tebow would work outt for the Seattle Seahawks and Buffalo Bills, both teams without a long-term solution at quarterback.
But the Pittsburgh Steelers might be a great fit for Tim Tebow, which Bleacher Report has pointed out.
Consider the environment Tebow would enter if the Steelers used their 18th selection in April’s NFL draft on Tebow:

*For all of Ben Roethlisberger’s on-field success, a second sexual assault allegation in as many years unveils a troubling pattern in Roethlisberger’s life, innocent or not. Guy’s just not being smart about his career and the positions in which he places himself. Why not draft an image-conscious quarterback such as Tim Tebow who, if anything else, could provide guidance to the two-time Super Bowl winner. It also shows the organization has not taken the Roethlisberger’s situation lightly.
*The Steelers are a hard-nosed team that knows how to win. Suits Tebow’s identity perfectly. He belongs in a winning culture.
*Tebow is similar to Roethlisberger in many ways. Roethlisberger has the much better arm, but they both aren’t considered textbook quarterbacks. They just get the job done. The two could be good for each other.
What do you think? Good fit?

What do I think? Good fit? Great fit? Similar players? I can't say NO loudly enough.

- Tebow and Ben are NOT similar in many ways. They are both big guys. That's it. Tebow's a much better runner. But Ben can actually throw a ball. They aren't considered textbook QBs? Maybe not. But in Roethlisberger's case, it's because he can shake a lot of sack attempts at the expense of holding onto the ball too long and making slower reads. In Tebow's case, he is not textbook because HE CANNOT THROW THE BALL!

- Tebow is not going in the first round. The Steelers would be blowing their first round pick by selecting Tebow here. They aren't going to do that, regardless of how many young boys Tebow circumcises.

- Tebow "belongs" in a winning culture? Fuck, anybody who goes to Florida is willingly joining a juggernaut. They aren't stumbling upon a decent football program that turns them into winners.

- Tebow is not going to bring guidance to Roethlisberger. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever read. Ben is going to have his life changed only by a 22-year old kid on an apparent mission trip to Pittsburgh? Fuck and no. Tebow is not "image-conscious". That suggests that he is like a marketing firm that constructs his image in a way that makes him look better than he is. He's just a guy who really loves Jesus and actually leads a morally pious life (for all that we know, at least). Ben is not that guy. Tebow is not going to make him that guy. This would be like thinking your DBs would get faster if they were coached by Deion Sanders. I'd leave that in the hands of the strength and conditioning coaches.

- Tebow sucks at throwing footballs.

- The Steelers need a QB that can throw footballs.

Look, the Steelers already have Tebow. His name is Dennis Dixon. Dixon is fast. He can run. He came from a college team that won. He is light-years ahead of Tebow at ball throwing. He does not rape. He is better than Tebow. The Steelers do not need Tebow.

Fuck.

Let's not get carried away

2010-03-10T08:30:00.000-08:00

A guy named Nick Signorelli wrote an article at Bleacher Report suggesting that the Steelers pull the plug on the Bensperiment (which gives an anecdotal answer of "two" to the age-old "how many rapes does it take?" question in the NFL) and, through a series of moves, eventually end up with devil-worshipper Tim Tebow as their QB. With the 18th pick of the draft. Tebow. Fucking. Tebow. And since I'm lazy, I stole his image as well.

Now, Bleacher Report is just a collection of random fans who write articles about their teams. It's nothing more. So I don't expect much from them. But, as this is official rapeweek here at YLOTILAB, I'm going to continue on with the theme. And drafting Tebow is just asinine. Because the crux of his argument is:

And make no mistake about it, with Tim Tebow, we will NEVER be hearing of him out drinking and partying, and things along those lines. Tebow is a proud Christian, and has even abstained from sex until this point in his life, because he believes in waiting for his wife.

Holy mother of Tebow. Pam, I guess. Whatever. Point is, that would be the most egregious example of overcompensation in recorded human history. Ben got drunk and raped again. Tebow doesn't even touch beer! He never parties! God. He also sucks at QB, and the main goal of a football team when searching for a QB is to get a guy who is good at QB-ing. So, let's compare Tebow with other options. First, let's list all NFL QBs who haven't been accused of multiple rapings:

- ALL OF THEM

Now, let's look at incoming college QBs who haven't raped people:

- FUCKING ALL OF THEM

So why Tebow? Is rape becoming a fad amongst QBs these days? Ben isn't an outlier? The Steelers have to go after the least rapey players they can find now?

Another suggestion involves this:

The next thing they need to do is to make a call to the Seattle Seahawks. With the aging Matt Hasselbeck, Pete Carroll could trade his first two first round picks for Big Ben and immediately upgrade his team.
If the Seahawks are not interested then make a call to the Washington Redskins, who will become favorites to win the NFC East with Big Ben under center.

Uh...why don't they just keep him then? If he's such a toxic asset that he must be moved, who in the fuck is going to give up two first rounders for him? Has Ben raped-out his welcome in Pittsburgh? Maybe he has. But are the fans of the team that trades for him blind? Are they just going to dismiss it? Sure worked well with Michael Vick.

The Steelers will then announce that Charlie Batch has been resigned to a three year contract extension, and that the Steelers are interested in drafting Colt McCoy in the second round with the other pick that they got from the Skins or Hawks.

Charlie Batch is done. Look, if Ben is in fact not an option, my Plan A is to roll with Dixon. He was an absolute steal in the 4th round in 2008 and he impressed me with his play last year in his first ever start in Baltimore. That's a hell of a draw. And Dixon almost pulled that game out. I love what he can do back there.We don't need the shell of Charlie Batch or the moxie of Colt McCoy. Or the Jesus-powers of Tebow. We need a fucking quarterback.

Tebow would be able to come in, as did Roethlisberger did in his rookie season, and be along for the ride. Then he can grow into the player, or one comparable to the one, that Roethlisberger is.

Ben Roethlisberger is, without too much hyperbole, probably one of the better QBs of all-motherfucking-time. The stats and the results don't lie. He's put up great numbers with a piss-poor OL and he's still only 27. Or maybe 28. Still. Just approaching what should be his prime. Thinking Tebow, who many are projecting to become an epic flameout, will even be HALF the NFL QB that Ben Roethlisberger is is just...I think it's one of the dumbest football plans I've ever heard.

I don't care about how ethical Tebow is. This suggestion is crystal methical. If Ben gets convicted, he's going to jail and no one's trading for him. If not, he's going to play and you might as well keep him regardless of how much he rapes. He's that good at that important of a position.

Tebow at 18. God. If you want Tebow so badly, fatten Dixon up so that he slows down and then drug him and completely skullfuck his passing mechanics. Then you can trade that 18th pick for David Carr.

Is Ben raping his way out of the QB elite?

2010-03-08T14:30:00.000-08:00

So, Ben Roethlisberger loves to rape. We've all gotten this by now, in light of his second raping in as many years. And yes, I know it was sexual assault and not rape, per se. Nor do I care.

While Ben's propensity to rape is getting to be a bit much, at least it gives other people stuff to write about. And that in turn gives me something to write about. I give you "Ben Roethlisberger's stupid behavior justifies NY Giants' choice in 2004 draft", by Gary Myers.

Ben Roethlisberger may lead Eli Manning 2-1 in Super Bowl rings, but the argument is forever closed whether the Giants would have been better off with Big Ben.

That all depends on whether you are building football teams or filming anti-rape PSAs. As I'm assuming you mean football teams, I strongly disagree with you, your story and every move you've made to this point in your life.

At the very least, Roethlisberger is an immature knucklehead who puts himself in bad situations and continually humiliates the Steelers, one of the NFL's cornerstone franchises.

And at the very worst, he's a rapey rape-machine who wakes up in the morning with nothing but rape on his mind. He's also far better than Eli Manning, who wouldn't rape anything, including an opposing secondary.

In the worst-case scenario, and we're not passing judgment on an ongoing investigation, he has a big problem after being accused last week of sexual assault for the second time in less than one year.

Being worse than Eli Manning is not and likely never will be one of his problems, though. If Ben rapes Santonio Holmes tonight, gets a 5-year prison sentence and is banned from the NFL when his rapey-ass gets out at age 33 or whatever, he'll still be a far better draft choice than Eli Manning ever was. Because he's better at football and doesn't have to throw passes at his WRs helmets to prove it.

The Big Ben vs. Eli argument has been going on for six years now, ever since the Giants traded for Manning and passed on Roethlisberger in the 2004 draft. If the Giants were not able to make the trade, they would have drafted Roethlisberger.

Luckily, though, they got the trade and were able to immediately pay big money to a guy who has amassed a 76 or so career QB rating. So far, the only person he's raped has been Asante Samuel's nightmares after Samuel dropped the INT that would have sealed SB XLII.

Who is the better player? Too much time left in their careers to make that call right now. But one thing will forever be in Manning's favor: The Giants never have to worry about phone calls in the middle of the night.

No. There is not too much time left in their careers. Ben Roethlisberger is better by just about every conceivable metric that can be used to compare QBs. Here are their career numbers:

Ben Rapelisraper: 63.3% completion for 19,307 yards, 8.0 yards/att, 127 TDs to 81 INT and a 97.1 rating
Classy Classing: 57% completion for 18,644 yards, 6.7 yards/att, 125 TDs to 88 INTs and a 79.2 rating

Not even taking into account the fact that Ben's O-Lines have been garbage at best and jizz-filled sacks of fuckrape at worst, his output has certainly exceeded that of Manning. But go onnnnnn...

He is stable and grounded, he's married and despite his celebrity status as a Super Bowl champion in New York, he hasn't been involved in one incident since he arrived.

Oh, he's married! I had failed to take that into account, because I was only judging their football playing abilities. Silly me. Ok, Gary...you got me. If I have to pick either Eli Manning or Ben Roethlisraper to babysit my kid (I don't have one yet since I'm not married which may cloud my judgment in your mind but bear with me), I'll take Eli. Hell, I'll take Eli if I'm forming a flag-football team comprised of 7-year old kids that gets one NFL QB to call the signals. However, if I'm forming an NFL team and I need a QB to throw passes to other rapists who aren't married and smoke weed and stick crystal meth in their dicks and all that jazz, I'm taking Ben. I'll obviously be taking a lawyer in round 2.

Roethlisberger, meanwhile, has become a nightmare.

For those that follow the national rape circuit, yes. Yes he has. You know what they say...Super Bowl rings are nice, but you can't put them on your cock while you're raping a chick!

Six months after becoming the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl following his second season, Roethlisberger nearly killed himself in a brutal motorcycle wreck in Pittsburgh. He was not wearing a helmet despite warnings from then-Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

Disobeying noted motorcross expert was one of the biggest mistakes of Ben's young life. And Gary Myers would certainly have a point, had Ben died from these injuries. But he didn't. Soooooo I'll try to accept the fact that he rides in the face of Bill Cowher's warnings. Go Eli!

He flew over the handlebars and into the windshield of a car. He broke his nose and jaw and had a nine-inch cut in the back of his head. He later said paramedics told him he was seconds away from dying because of a severed vein or artery that was draining blood into his stomach. Being a daredevil is not the best way to have a long NFL career or even make it to 30 years old.

But here we are, talking about a guy who survived a motorcycle wreck and is still playing NFL football. He must be invincible! At least he didn't rape any of the paramedics.

Last summer, Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel worker who claims he raped her in 2008. He denied the claim. The woman never filed a criminal complaint, and the civil case is ongoing.

Then he went out and totally threw for a metric fuckton of yards!

That alleged incident should have been the wakeup call in Roethlisberger's life. Whatever happened in Lake Tahoe should have been the warning that perhaps a quiet dinner or a night at home was a better alternative for one of the NFL's most recognizable players.

GUH. Now you're chapping my balls, Gary. Really chapping my balls. I'll get around to this tomorrow, maybe. If I have the willpower. But for cock's sake, stop with this retarded suggestion, people. "Hey, 27-year old man, what are you doing out at night! Fucking stay home and watch 60 Minutes before some chick accuses you of rape!". No. Fuck. That. Ben either raped this chick or he didn't. Just because chicks want him to rape them doesn't mean he should be barred from going out in public. These women should be jailed. And if they are not lying and he did rape them, then it's not so much that he should stay and home as opposed to the fact that he should STOP RAPING PEOPLE.

Instead, he was hanging out with college girls at a bar in Georgia last week.

Well OM fucking G.

He has a $102 million contract and risking it should be enough motivation to slow down. He has been accused by a 20-year-old college student in Milledgeville, Ga., of sexual assault at a club late Thursday night/early Friday morning. The Steelers have not commented, but you know this conservative organization is incredibly embarrassed as its star quarterback can't stop making headlines for all the wrong reasons.

He risks it by raping, not by being out. See, there are a lot of things that you can do during a day that can risk your health. Like, driving a car. I bet Eli Manning drives a car. What if he drives it to a rape-den? What now?

Also, everybody needs to forget the "Steelers are above this!!!" nonsense. Santonio Holmes beats women. James Harrison beats women. As long as they remain awesome, they will remain gainfully employed by the organization. Because the Steelers are in the business of winning football games, not winning Lady Byng trophies.

Why would Roethlisberger, who turned 28 on March 2, be hanging out at Capital City, a popular spot for students at Georgia College and State University? He has been in the NFL for six years and he's spending his night at a college bar? Milledgeville is 85 miles southeast of Atlanta and about 30 miles from a home Roethlisberger owns on Lake Oconee in Greensboro, Ga.

Irrelevant. It's a place where 18+ year olds, like Ben Roethlisberger, can congregate if they wish. There's no "one rape minimum" or anything like that. Methinks that Gary Myers would be fucking SHOCKED if he knew some of the stuff that athletes do with women many years their juniors. Things that would make his head explode, like jizz waterboarding.

According to details in an Associated Press story, Roethlisberger started out Thursday night at Buffington's bar to watch the Pitt men's basketball game with friends. One of the bar patrons said Roethlisberger bought shots for him and others called "O-Bombs," a mix of an energy drink and rum.

This isn't even relevant to my Generic Energy Drink Corner, let alone a story about rape.

He and his buddies were then spotted at The Brick restaurant from 11:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m, and then they were at Capital City. One 21-year-old woman said she and a few friends were in the VIP area with Roethlisberger and he was disappointed all she wanted was to have her picture taken with him. She claimed Roethlisberger called her an expletive. The woman said he then was aggressively hitting on another girl.

She probably was a fucking expletive! Hey bitch, suck my dick or get that camera out of here! Yes, we get it. Ben Roethlisberger is a douche. A douche that throws much more accurate passes than Eli Manning.

Deputy Police Chief Richard Malone said Roethlisberger's group was mingling with the group that included the woman who claimed he sexually assaulted her. The police were contacted and she and Roethlisberger were interviewed. She was treated and released from the hospital.

Are you still comparing Ben to Eli or are you just play-by-playing the rape now? What the fuck happened, Gary? Get on track. We get it. Ben raped a chick. We want to know why that makes Eli the better draft pick, not which hole Ben put it in.

Not much good happens after midnight, even in small towns. Nobody is saying Roethlisberger should become a recluse, but when you win two Super Bowls, you lose privacy and you certainly are not above the law.

Absolutely. Anyone who has not won two Super Bowls (like Eli), however, should feel free to rape at will.

He threw one of the great passes in Super Bowl history to Santonio Holmes to beat the Cardinals just 13 months ago. He has been beloved in Pittsburgh. Even if gets himself out of this latest mess, the way Roethlisberger is going, the next one may not be far behind.

And until he rapes his way out of the league, I'll take Ben over Eli.

If he rapes his way into the UFL, I'll still take past Ben over past Eli many years down the road. Unless Eli does something crazy, like drastically improve his ability to play American football.

Urban Meyer just wins games!

2010-02-22T07:09:00.000-08:00

Since I usually spend most of my posting efforts disagreeing with Mike Florio, I may as well mention some of the times where I do actually agree with him.

And the 'mistreatment' of Tim Tebow is one of those occasions. Take it away, Florio:

As Florida coach Urban Meyer takes his much-hyped leave of absence, we hope that Meyer spends some of his down time reflecting on his biggest failure.

Tim Tebow.

After the Gators won two national championships in three seasons with Tebow at quarterback, Meyer owed a huge debt to Tebow. And Meyer should have spent all of 2009 attempting to repay it.

He didn't.

So Tebow left Gainseville with a release slower than Byron Leftwich in a vat of molasses, and overall football mechanics far uglier than Vince Young's Uncle Rico sidearm release.

It's therefore no surprise that Tebow is in the process of changing his throwing motion, according to Adam Schefter of ESPN. What's surprising is that few are calling out Meyer for not doing anything and everything he could in 2009 to help make Tebow into a more marketable NFL quarterback.

Since Tebow isn't injured, he's using the belated effort to become a pro-style quarterback as an excuse not to throw at the Scouting Combine. The obvious goal for Tebow is to avoid doing more damage to his draft stock -- the obvious response in light of his Senior Bowl-week performance is whether it's possible for any further damage to be done.

Though Tebow seems to be trying hard not to point a finger at Meyer for the quarterback's current predicament, this quote tells us everything we need to know: "I've never been asked to shorten or quicken my release and not have a loop in it."

As the usually-sunny Joe Theismann said three weeks ago, the situation shows that Meyer and his staff have "no clue" as to the process for preparing a quarterback for the NFL. And while some of the Florida fans in the crowd might respond by saying that Urban Meyer's only duty is to prepare players to play college football, look for Nick Saban and every other coach in the SEC to take a DVD of Tebow's throwing motion into the homes of every high-end quarterback recruit for as long as Meyer remains the Florida coach. They'll all be making the case to the kid and his family that, if he hopes to play in the NFL, he'd better not go to Gainseville.

If you don't think that'll eventually impact the performance of Meyer's team, then you simply don't understand how college football actually works.

Meanwhile, Tebow will be left to his own devices to get an education into how pro football actually works. During his four years with Meyer, Tebow apparently learned absolutely nothing.

The bold in the third-to-last paragraph is for emphasis. Urban Meyer could have kept his same system. He could have still taught Tebow how to take a snap and throw like someone who has played football before and all that jazz, but he didn't. He just didn't bother. In fact, I've read that his mechanics actually regressed at Florida (can't seem to find that link at this point). Urban Meyer rode the Tebow horse as far as he could while standing by idly and watching Timmy forget how to actually throw a ball. Tebow's always been scattershot with his passes...but aside from that annihilation of a stout (that's dripping with sarcasm) Cincinnati defense, he's been even more so this season.

As for the dumbass commenters on PFT...they come out of the woodwork to bash everything on that site with their own personal brand of stupid. "Urban Meyer's job is to win games"...yes. It is. And if he scares off future QB recruits, he's going to have a hell of a time doing that in a couple years. Assuming he's still coaching at that point. As to Florio's contentions that Nick Saban and Co. will send DVDs of Tebow's throwing motions to recruits and explain to the families that Gainesville is not the place to send a young QB with NFL aspirations...well, they don't even have to. ESPN has done that for them in bright fucking neon. Even casual fans seem to know at this point that Urban Meyer's system is not the place for a future pro-QB to ply his trade, regardless of how true or untrue that sentiment actually is. Alex Smith can throw, but nobody really knows about him. But they sure know about Tebow.

Meyer did not have to sacrifice much to prepare Tebow for life after college. But he didn't. Sure, he gets on TV and says "Tim is a winner and a great football player and anyone who can't see that is blind" and all of that good stuff, but pro scouts don't give the slightest of damns about what Urban Meyer thinks. They are more concerned about Tebow's quixotic throwing motion than his "intangibles" and "winniness" and "fuckdominance" and everything else that he used to beat the Citadel. And it can be argued that Meyer has contributed more bad than good.

Hey NFL

2010-02-17T07:29:00.000-08:00

You tell 'em, Lamarr! Those labor practices are so unfair!

So, it really is looking like the NFL will proceed into the 2011 season without a salary cap. And while I'm not going to break down the ramifications (Profootballtalk.com has some good takes on how some of the free agency changes will play out), I do think that the uncapped year would be bad for the NFL. Probably not nearly as bad as it has been for MLB, since the NFL brings in so much more money that you can't even compare the two, but I do think it will be bad. Some teams won't spend anything and will essentially tank for a profit, which I believe will be a much bigger problem than Dan Snyder outspending everybody else on a few free agents. He already does that as-is and gets away with it through cap manipulation techniques that involve healthy signing bonuses. And they still suck. At least Chris Cooley makes good videos.

Anyway...the deadline is some point in March, and the negotiation necessary for this just isn't going to take place in a month. The players want more money, the owners want to give them less money. And I see both arguments to a point...while the league is player-driven and these guys do risk their health and the owners are making great money and all that, the fact is that they can go and work somewhere else. Supply and demand. Someone will take their place. That's just how businesses work. Although, to be fair, the NFL isn't your normal business. Maybe the owners will remember that the next time they ask taxpayers to build them a new stadium. Yeah, I'm sure they will.

Regardless, this impasse could lead to a lockout. Or maybe a strike. Not sure how it would work. Anyway, it could happen. It's happened in the past. It would be brutal to the owners and probably tragic to the players, who I think would certainly cave first. The NFL would recover, of course, because, well...it's football. But it would not look good. And it can be avoided for now. Why don't yinz just essentially "franchise" each other? Take the current contract and extend it for one year. More time is obviously necessary here. Extend the current deal for one year and continue negotiating for the long term through March 2011.

Or, hope for the best and wish on falling stars and all of that jazz with your billion dollar industry. Your call!

Same old Bengals!

2010-02-15T07:36:00.000-08:00

So, the Bengals apparently just will not learn. They refuse to learn. They signed another criminal! Matt Jones! Did some coke! Drank a beer! Same old motherf-ing Bengals, right?

Guhhh. I hate this line of reasoning, as I've expressed previously. I don't really care what these guys do off the field in MOST circumstances. I do understand the fears of a backlash for signing, say, Donte Stallworth. However, the main reason that I would not take this "risk" and sign Stallworth is because he simply isn't that good. He's never been all that great. But Matt Jones? Matt Jones has been pretty good. His last season had very similar stats to that of Santonio Holmes, and they were accumulated over 12 games, as he sat out 4 for a substance abuse suspension. He's pretty good. And he's really tall and fast and wears awesome beaters, as shown above.

Matt Jones did some coke and he was arrested for it, sure. And it was quite a bit of cocaine. 6 grams to be exact. For reference, an 8-ball of coke consists of an eighth of an ounce, or about 3.5 grams. They cost about $250. I'm going to assume that Jones and his cohorts bought two eight-balls and had used a gram when the law showed up on the scene. He had two guys with him. And I'm pretty confident that three somewhat-experienced users can go through an eight-ball (or more) in a single session. While it's probably not good to have a WR that can be described as an "experienced coke user", that's life in the salary-capped NFL. That's how you win. You take chances and hope that they pan out. Jones is coming in at the vet minimum. And he's not going to harm your team on the field, unless he brings 10 grams into the huddle and shares it with the team.

Oddly enough, the Jags had no problem with his coke use. They didn't cut him until he violated his probation by drinking a beer on a golf course. That was the final straw. Sure, it was stupid of him to do, but come on. That's where you draw the line? Let's see what Doug Farrar has to say about the Bengals and their character.

If there's one thing the Cincinnati Bengals have led the NFL in over the last decade, it's arrests. (I stopped counting at ten). The 2009 Bengals made the playoffs for the second time in the last 20 years with more character than they'd had in years -- it was how they could overcome the in-season passings of receiver Chris Henry and the wife of defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer.

Oh, last season was their big character year? The year they brought back Chris Henry and drafted Andre Smith? I had thought that 2007 was the first character year, no? What about last year when those Bengals team chemistry-ed their way to a 4-12 season? I'm not buying some newfound chemistry as the reason that this team overcame those tragedies above. Also, they weren't really that great following Henry's death. They couldn't even compete with the Jets. I'm not buying team chemistry as one of the reasons for their resurgence. I think it had to do a lot with some defensive improvements and also due to a good deal of luck following the Denver fluke that beat them in week one. Really, their offense was not that good at any point in the season.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga recently pled guilty to a drunken driving charge, but he responded by arranging to check into the Betty Ford Center, which seems like a standup reaction.

Oh, that's fun. At least he did the stand-up think and took the route that he was likely advised to take because it would look good in court. I'm not going to jump on a guy for a DUI, but dismissing it because he checked into rehab seems a bit disingenuous.

However, if recent news is accurate, we could be looking at a couple of new residents in Marvin Lewis' Home for Troubled NFL Youth. MJD detailed the team's dalliances with Pacman Jones, and Cincy's also been talking with former Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Matt Jones, about a contract (Update: According to several reports coming down the pike Friday morning, Jones chose the Bengals over the Tennessee Titans).

I've already gone over my love affair with the idea of bringing in Pacman Jones. He's not a trouble-maker on the field. Compare this with a guy like Joey Porter, who did assault Levi Jones in a casino but still hasn't made headlines for any egregious legal violation. Yet, the Dolphins can't stand him to the point where they are going to cut him if they haven't already (some weird cap situation is making it difficult). Porter was a malcontent due to the fact that he wasn't being used on every down and he reportedly refused to come off of the field more than once. Imagine Joey Porter refusing to come off of the field when Dick LeBeau tries to insert a sub on 3rd and 12. That's how you set an example for the young guys. I'll take my chances with the coke user.

Jones and Jones are cheap and easy to cut. Joey Porter and a guy like T.O. come with $5 million dollar a year deals and as in Porter's case, are sometimes very difficult to simply release. Take your chances with the cheap guys. You have to with a salary cap in place. You need every edge you can get.

Jones, who's been unemployed since the Jags released him last March, seems like the better risk. Jones had issues with the law (his violation of a plea agreement for "drinking while golfing" is particularly priceless -- I have many friends who subscribe to the theory that if drinking while golfing is wrong, they don't want to be right), and his work ethic has been justifiably questioned, but he's a freakish physical talent who can produce on the rare occasions when his head's been screwed on straight. He caught a career-high 65 passes for 761 yards in 2008, leading the team in both categories, before his story went south. The Bengals are now more of a run-first team than they've been in previous seasons, but they've struggled to find consistent production alongside Chad Ochocinco (notes). If he's seen the errors of his ways and can bring his best to the table, Jones could be an extreme bargain. The reported one-year, $700,000 contract means that the Bengals aren't out too much if they're wrong.

Abso-fucking-lutely. I disagree with his overall tone of "hey, look at the Bengals! Haha they're criminals!", as it's simple and it has been beaten to death over the years, but I think he put it pretty well here. This is low-risk high-reward. I was in the "sign Jones" camp for the Steelers before this past season, although they really didn't need him and as of now I don't want him to impede on Sweed, but for the Bengals? This is perfect for them. Now they can use that draft pick somewhere else. Or at least have some insurance for it. On this note...a perfect LB for the Steelers? Don't laugh, but I'm going to throw out Odell Thurman's name. He'll be league minimum. He's in the UFL and has by all accounts gotten it at this point. And he played well with the Bengals in his rookie year before his DUI troubles. Seems like a common theme. Anyway, I think it would be a good move for the Steelers.

Personally, I'd be more surprised if Pacman Jones catches on with the Bengals beyond a reserve role. Not only is his history of legal issues far more complex, but he did very little in his first comeback with the Cowboys in 2008.

Guh. He did quite well with the Cowboys given the fact that he was out of football for an entire year. Here's what I wrote about Pacman:

"Ok...why did Dallas cut him if he was so good, then?"

I don't know. I can't tell you that. I'm thinking that Jerry Jones simply felt betrayed and that combined with the fact that the Cowboys had a bunch of young corners that they were thrilled with left him to choose cutting PMJ. By many accounts, Pacman was their best corner last year. I don't know why he was cut. Nor do I care at this point.

Again, I don't know what went on there. But I still think he's worth a flyer. Dallas didn't lose any games because Pacman was on the roster.

On top of that, the team is also reportedly interested in receiver Donte Stallworth, who was recently reinstated by Commissioner Roger Goodell after serving 24 days in jail for killing a man while driving drunk. Stallworth was suspended for the 2009 season, was released by the Browns right after his reinstatement, and is on the market. Are the Bengals just doing their due diligence, or are they interested in returning to the worst of their "America's Most Wanted" days?

They want good players at good values. That's it. There is no desire to assemble the most criminally-active team in the NFL. They all just seem to have alcohol problems. Just keep them from going out on Saturday night and I think that they'll be ok. More importantly...they won't lose any games this year because Pacman Jones makes it rain.

Sometimes it snows in February

2010-02-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

Ok. We've gone over global warming before with the assistance of a Venn Diagram, although for some reason Blogger decided to remove my penis-laden Venn image at the end. That decision leaves me decidedly nonplussed. Hey Blogger...blow me. Or delete my blog. I don't care. Just don't touch my penis images.

Anyways, it has snowed quite a bit. Record snow. In the Northeast United States. In February. And all I'm reading is "where's Al Gore", "30 inches of global warming residue", and "holy fuck it's snowing a lot". Now, there is a lot to be said negatively about Al Gore, not so much as the message is concerned but mainly how he's got quite the vested financial interest in many of these foundations and whatnot that he is largely responsible for creating. I wouldn't care if he were just some hippie that drove around in a flower-painted van extolling the virtues of 'green' energy (of which there are many, many, many virtues regardless of who's right about global warming, but that's a story for a different time and maybe following a different generic energy drink), but he's more than that. I also don't really care if he takes a hybrid car or emits 19,000 pounds of CO2 in a fetus-powered hover-jet. Moving on.

SNOW IS FUCKING RAIN. You don't usually get this much snow because the cold air is not wet enough to make it! It's cold as balls in Barrow, Alaska, yet they received about 0.3 inches of snow during this same time period. Why? Because they are in a desert! Regardless of how cold it gets, it isn't going to snow there because the cold air is too dry to make fluffy blizzard snow. And cold has nothing to do with how much snow you get.

On DC's snowiest day, the temperature recorded was a high of 37 and a low of 32. The average daily high is 45 and the average low is 28. Brrrr! What a crazy occurrence! Two degrees below average on the whole! The next day, however, was 10 degrees below average and also got pounded with snow. BUT, the high was in the 30s and the low was under 20. The next day? 12 degrees below average and not a trace of snow. This leads me to believe that sometime during the day prior, it stopped snowing and got cold as balls. Because the warmer, moister air was moving out. I'm not a weatherologist, but...I mean, come on now. Snow in Washington DC in February does not disprove man-made global God-damned warming. It proves or disproves nothing outside of the fact that it was cold enough to snow and the air happened to be very moist. If anything, the moist February air is probably much, much rarer than days in DC that are cold enough to produce snow. Which leads me to formulate my new theorem...we are suffering Jeff Reed-induced "global moistening".

Every time that drunk kicker pisses in public, there is going to be some evaporation. And that piss-air has to go somewhere. Introduce some kind of weathery El Niño jetstream and you've got Jeff Reed pissing all over metro Baltimore, only this time it happens more than the standard once per year. And there is no amount of young men with families that Ray Lewis can murder to stop it. It's just gonna snow. That's just what it does in the northern US. It snows. If it's cold enough to flurry, then it's cold enough to blizzard. Would people still be asking for Al Gore if it were flurrying?

Randy Couture has defied aging!

2010-02-09T07:48:00.000-08:00

Look at that old man. 46 years old. And he's fighting! Clearly defying the aging process, as Joe Rogan and numerous media outlets have noted. From ESPN:

Like fine wine, Randy Couture only seems to get better with age. Case in point: His dominating win over Mark Coleman at UFC 109.

Yep. Couture owned Mark Coleman, showing the young man how it was back in the day when they had to walk uphill both ways to school. In a driving acid rain. Wait...what?

Coleman's 45?

So, let me get this straight. A 46-year old showed that he can get better at such an advanced age by...beating a 45-year old? How does that work? Does a 90-year old beating an 87-year old in a 100 meter dash prove anything? Age is pretty much completely irrelevant here. You shouldn't mention it. At all. It had nothing to do with anything. This match was fought in an age-vacuum. Justice will not be served until Ken Griffey Jr. repeatedly cockslaps Joe Rogan into submission for even broaching the subject. Fine wine...just because MD 20/20 Strawberry Kiwi tastes better than the Orange Jubilee flavor doesn't mean that it is fine f-ing wine.

Now, maybe Randy Couture is...well, let's not say getting better with advanced age, but fighting particularly well for someone over 45. But, we aren't going to be able to definitively say that UNTIL HE BEATS SOMEONE THAT ISN'T HIS AGE.

Chapping my balls, Rogan.

That's it? Really?

2010-02-08T08:20:00.000-08:00

Yep. That was it. Pictured are Pam Tebow and her fetus Tim, co-winners of the 2007 Heisman trophy. This was the ad that drew all of the support from the pro-lifers and the ire of the people who just want to abort every fetus? THIS!?!?! Fuck that. This commercial should have been spicy. It should have offended people. Then Focus on the Fam would be in the news for months afterwards. People would know them. As it stands, everyone's going to forget about them within a day. F that. Tim Tebow should have actually pulled his full-grown head out of his mother's vagina on live Super Bowl tv, looked at the camera, and told all of you aborters out there to go and fuck yourselves. "Hi, I'm Tim fucking Tebow, and I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for your vagina. Keep the doctors out, and let God in. He has a plan. Don't fuck with it. Seriously, mothers...killing your own babies? ARE YOU HUMANS OR GERBILS??? I'm Tim Tebow, inviting you all to SUCK ME". Then he winds up for 6 seconds and throws a bomb to James Dobson. Well...maybe not. Showing those throwing mechanics in the ad would be akin to actually showing an abortion.

But nooooo. There was nothing of the sort. Nothing controversial at all. Nothing to make everyone feel uneasy. F. That. I didn't wait for this ad to see that. That was stupid. That was pointless. A waste of $3 mil. I'd rather watch those accountants forage through the savanna for pants again. Gay gay gay. And to think, I would have helped the economy and countered the Tebow ad if it were racy enough. I would have gotten Braylon Edwards, wide receiver for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and done a commercial for Jeff's Abort-o-rama.

Got knocked up again? Wanna keep it from the parents? Come to Jeff's! Start a tab! Every third abortion is free. Hey Braylon, catch!

(Mark Sanchez throws fetus behind Braylon Edwards...it is picked off and returned for six)

That's right, every third abortion is free! COME DOWN TO JEFF'S AND TELL 'EM THAT TIM TEBOW SENT YOU!

What a waste of time and money. And opportunity. I quit.

Miami Pro Bowl better attended than Hawaii Pro Bowl!

2010-02-03T07:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I hotlinked that image. Suck it.

Think it had anything to do with the fact that Florida Turnpike Stadium has 26,000 more seats? Yeah, so much more interest in the Pro Bowl this year. I turned $25 tickets down. $25!!! That's like nothing, I make that in three months for having an ad in the upper right hand corner of this blog. People still couldn't get anyone to take Pro Bowl tickets off of their hands this year. Why have the game? Just name the teams, have them come down and jack off all over themselves for the media and then send them home. Hell, send them to Hawaii and let them do skill competitions and play chess and stuff. I might pay to watch Bryant McKinnie horsefork Alan Faneca's queen. That's what Desert Camelfucking does, they just name the all-star teams and fly them to the championship site to be recognized. They don't make them risk unnecessary injury by actually fucking camels.

And I don't care if other leagues do it. It's easier. Those sports that play 82 or 162 games a year are much better suited to play an extra one. There isn't the same injury risk, players can half-ass it without repercussion, and really, it's just not nearly as taxing. The MLB has a 162 game season. What's an extra game? Contrast that to the NFL, where one game is a big deal in a sport that has players struggling to get through 16. Hell, some players have never made it through all 16 games. So you can't just plunk it down in the middle of the season or anything.

So, my solution (and a lot of other people's, from what I've read) is to save the Pro Bowl by fucking it. Just fuck the damn Pro Bowl. Save those Korean children the hassle of sewing up all those ugly jerseys.

Generic Energy Drink Corner: WILD STALLION

2010-01-20T09:46:00.000-08:00

Note: Background changed to protect the creator, who is gainfully employed and likely not paid to discuss generic energy drinks on company time.

Well, it's been some time since I've partaken in the generic drink game, but I could not pass up the opportunity to charge myself up on some of this stuff. Wild Stallion? Come. On. Are they serious? Although I guess if you think about it, even if it was to mock the product...the name sold me.

But still...come on, people! Be creative! Wild Stallion and Crazy Horse and Bucking Bronco and Rabid Dog and all of the names of that ilk are just so damn contrived! How about something like Firebush! I'd drink the hell out of some firebush. I'd shotgun that ish, right here at my desk. I'd get it all over my shirt. And I wouldn't care, because I would have gotten so much damn energy out of that Firebush that I'll be awake later to do my laundry. GET ON THIS, ENERGY CZARS!

But this stuff? This Wild Stallion? Ok. I expected it to suck. I did NOT expect it to cost $2.59. Seriously, Wild Stallion? Are you just trying to sell a bunch of Wild Stallions for this kind of purpose, collect your winnings and shut it down? I looked closer and I guess not...I don't know who Imbibe is, but they have created a website for their electric horsesemen-themed energy drink. Trot faster dot com! I guess that people that sample the Stallion are just clamoring to get their hands on some merch or order some energy power or whatever the hell else you can do on there. And they had better be good at marketing because...well, because the "Electric Green" flavor tastes like it was created from storm runoff in Cambodia. It's freaking nasty.

The smell is not exactly unpleasant, but it does not create the impression that this drink is going to be good. So I had low hopes. And then I tasted it. It was like bubble gum and cock. Seriously, it's like the factory collects chewed-up Cotton Candy flavored Bubbalicious gum from underneath desks in Bolivia and then slaps it repeatedly with dicks to squeeze all of the juice out. Just slaps it with dick after dick until they've squeezed out enough juice to fill a can. Add the standard guarana, taurine and Cherokee pubes and you've got yourself a drink that tastes like it's being sucked out of a horse. Hey, Wild Stallion!

It also gave me the energy shakes. Poor energy distribution, Wild Stallion. All in all a terrible excuse for a potable beverage. Never again!

Apples v. orange mocha frappuchinos

2010-01-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

Roger Maris! One big season. NOT IN THE HALL! So why does McGwire deserve it? This is just the question that a knowledgeable yet retarded baseball fan may be asking him- or herself at this point. For example, one such human is Peter Pascarelli (scroll down a bit). Says Pete:

I've not voted for McGwire and this latest chapter is unlikely to change my mind. It's not as if McGwire's admission, while admirable in its candor, comes as a surprise to anyone. My reluctance to vote for him exists on several levels. For one, the automatic admission of 500 home run hitters has been tainted by the whole PED culture. For another, even with his giant home run numbers, McGwire was an exceedingly one-dimensional player. Home runs were all he brought to the table -- he did not hit for average, he was not a great RBI producer, he had relatively few other extra-base hits besides the home run, he was average defensively, a poor runner, etc. He also had a string of very poor seasons that coincidentally ended with what have been known as his steroids seasons. Roger Maris is not in the Hall of Fame because his great seasons were too few in number. McGwire should not be in the Hall of Fame for largely the same, albeit bloated, reason.

Ok. Let me preface this all by saying that I'm a huge McGwire fan. Favorite player of all-time. Probably not even close. Among major sports, it's probably McGwire-Barry Sanders-Jaromir Jagr-Fuck Basketball. Maybe Shawn Kemp. Ha. For rilly. Regardless, McGwire is the man in the MLB for me, at least aside from Pittsburgh players (ANDY VAN SLYKE!). So take this with a 535-foot bomb of salt. Anyways, if you don't want to vote for Mac because he used steroids...that's perfectly acceptable. Hell, I myself am not quite sure how I'd go about it if I had a vote. But I'm not going to get into that, because that's all over the internet and is so largely a matter of personal beliefs and morals and all of that gay stuff that it doesn't justify mention on a blog like this, which is generally dedicated to talking about dicks rubbing together and pandas fucking fat chicks. Because I have no morals. Fuck you and the pedestal you stand upon. Which is probably made out of dicks.

But this belief that, ohhhhh, McGwire was so one-dimensional, oh my Godddd, he only hit home runs! That's all he did. All he brought to the table. He didn't hit for average! His base-running sucked! Well fuck, that's because he was usually jogging around the damn bases. Homeruns are probably the most important non-pitching positive stat for a team, and McGwire is arguably the best all-time at them. He his a homerun every 10.7 at-bats, NUMBER ONE ALL-FUCKING-TIME. That's insane. He hit more than 60 TWICE. His teams got a home-run from him every 2.5 games. That's insane! That creates an environment very conducive to winning. And his career OBP was .394. That means that he got on-base two out of every five at-bats. Who cares how he got on? Does a single count for more bases than a walk? In an average game, McGwire got on-base almost twice. That's good. Very good. Ozzie Smith was only good at defense. Nolan Ryan only struck people out. Why do they get in and McGwire doesn't? Would it have helped if he did backflips on his way to first base?

And CERTAINLY don't ever compare him to Maris while I'm around. Unless you just finished comparing apples to third-world economies and want to see if you can make an even more tortured comparison. That comparison is so tortured that I'm surprised it doesn't give up any actual info. John Yoo probably came up with it. Roger Maris had one HUGE year and then two other years above 30 homeruns. See for yo'self. 39 the year before the big record year, 33 after. That's it. Under 30 every other year. One homerun every 18.5 at-bats, or almost half the rate of McGwire. Two seasons of OPS+ over 150 (OPS+ takes the sum of a player's on-base percentage and slugging and adjusts them relative to the rest of the league in a given year...100 is considered average). And if you want to talk batting average...Maris had two years with a batting average above that of McGwire's CAREER average of .263. He never OBP-ed above McGwire's career average in any single season. That's it. One great record-setting year and two more great ones. Kind of great, at least. Maybe offense wasn't what it was now way back then, but the OPS+ tells a bit of a story.

Now, looking at McGwire. Mac led the league in homeruns four times to Maris' one. He hit over 50 homeruns four times. He had a career OPS+ of 162 and a high of 216. He may have been just a homerun hitter, but he was a fucking insanely awesome homerun hitter. Comparing his homerun-hitting career to that of Maris and saying that they are even somewhat analogous in pure lunacy. You have to be a lunatic to do so. Something has to be fucked up in your head to make that comparison. Maris did it for one year. McGwire did it for the better part of an entire career. Even when he was hurt and only getting 200 at-bats in a season, he was mashing. Mashing epically. Hitting balls harder than that chick got hit in Jersey Shore. He was a beast.

So say that McGwire shouldn't be in due to PEDs. But don't say that his numbers weren't good enough because he didn't steal enough bases or something gay like that. If it weren't for PEDs, he'd be in. Unquestionably. And don't ever ever ever ever ever say that voting McGwire into the Hall would be like voting for Roger fucking Maris, or I will find your address, befriend your family, and give you a cute little rabbit for Christmas. And then, after a few months that you've had that rabbit and love it and your kids love it and you've called it something cute like "Buttondrops", I will come to your house unannounced one afternoon around dinner time and I will invite myself in and I will choke Buttondrops to death right in front of your entire family. I will brutally end that rabbit's life while your kids cry and you look on in horror. And I was scream at you, "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? DO YOU STILL WANT TO COMPARE ROGER MARIS' CAREER NUMBERS TO MCGWIRE'S, IGNORING THE HUGE SHORT- AND LONG-TERM DISCREPANCIES IN FAVOR OF MCGWIRE? HUH? HUH? DON'T YOU EVER FUCK WITH RATIONAL THOUGHT AGAIN!".

Fuck Peter Pascarelli's rabbit.

Who wants to burn down a church?

2010-01-14T06:48:00.001-08:00

If you don't, I suggest that you watch this video. Then maybe you will want to join me.

This is the kind of stuff that turns me against religion. Sure, I'll buy that religion does give some people a sense of peace or whatever with life and helps them feel good and all of that, but there is too much of this stuff. And the worst part of it isn't Pat Robertson...it's the fact that there are probably millions of people who listen and think, "ya know what, Pat's right! If Haiti's going to make a pact with the devil, of course God is going to send a devastating earthquake to clean that island up. What's that? The pact happened all the way back in 1825? Well, you know what, GOD'S GOT SHIT TO DO!". Better cut a check to Pat right now to cleanse Haiti from the devil residue!

Jeez, Pat. I know you are insane to the point where you've claimed that the Lord done hath given you the strength to leg-press 2,000 pounds. Well, that and your age-defying protein shake, which is probably some form of jizz latte. And I know you blamed Katrina on all the sin and abortions and the dicks touching together down in New Orleans. Weird, though...all of these dens of sin are located on coasts vulnerable to earthquakes and hurricanes. Maybe we should start a sinplex in International Falls, Minnesota and see what the Lord comes up with to run that one out of town. Maybe polar bears? Anyway, this one's got to take the cake. Blaming an earthquake leveling a dirt-poor country that kills an estimated 100,000 people on a voodoo priest from the early 19th century? Come on, man. Doesn't God have a statute of limitations on this stuff? The sneakiest part about it was the way God subtly placed a fault line under the country and kept it inactive until he really needed it. Although I guess all of the scientists that predicted such an event have some explaining to do...why were they crediting their obvious conversations with God to science? Probably just served to piss him off more.

The best part is the comparison to the "wealth" of the Dominican Republic, as if God had big plans for the entire island of Hispaniola until the voodoo priest went and fucked it all up. The differences in societies have nothing to do with the mountain range that separated them...I mean, come on! Those ancient civilizations couldn't just dig tunnels or something? Or just boat around them to see what's up with each other? The French and Spanish couldn't just get together on this one? Crazy. Pat also ignores that while the DR is in much better shape than Haiti, it's still poor as fuck. Just because it has some resorts doesn't change that fact that it's not a great place to live. In fact, the main reason that it looks so good is probably the fact that it's right next to Haiti. Haiti is the DR's fat friend. So the Dominican looks good enough comparatively for "US" to fuck it. We'll probably still end up with crabs.

So fuck you, Pat Robertson. You and the complacently-nodding light-skinned chick that you rode in on.

I wore Max Starks' condom once

2010-01-07T07:20:00.000-08:00

I gots nothing else to talk about, so might as well get random.

Anyway, right before I moved to the Everglades, I was working as a valet at some Pittsburgh area night spots. But not your normal valet where some dude in a suit pulls up to some fancy little gay restaurant and has you park his Lincoln in a garage. No, we were working at a place where every car had rims and they all pulled up at the same damn time and we hustled to put them all in an alley. Without scuffing the rims. And, on Sundays at one of these places, many Steelers would typically pull up after home games (or afternoon road games against close division opponents). So that was always pretty interesting. Willie Parker owes me $20 and Joey Porter hates me. So does Casey Hampton, but he hates everybody. Big Snack was typically a Big Prick.

Joey Porter hates me because I broke into his car and stole $4,000 from one of his friends. Not that I actually did, of course. But try telling that to Joey Porter and his friends. During some nights in that area, people were breaking into cars and stealing the stereo systems out of them, as they were typically expensive after-market upgrades. And they did some numbers on them, too. Somebody broke into Ricardo Colclough's car and tore it apart so badly that it wouldn't even start. Had to tow it out of there. And they broke into Peezy's van as well. Yes, the Peezy Van. A white van that said PEEZY on it. I had never even heard him referred to as Peezy before this. I also lost the keys to his other car when I accidentally locked them in Casey Hampton's car and forgot about them. So Peezy was nonplussed when I told him that I lost his keys along with the fact that I allegedly broke into his van. Luckily I remembered where the keys to the Hummer were after a few minutes.

But really, Joey...why would I break into your van? I HAD THE KEYS! I could have opened the door, taken money out of your Hawaiian friend's wallet and left. Do you think that in between parking your whips I also destroyed Ricardo Colclough's car? And your friend couldn't fly back to Hawaii the next day because I stole his whole wallet. Why would I do that if I had time to plan this all out? I don't even want this dude's wallet. And if I had it, yinz could have just had me arrested right there on the spot. I guess I could have pretended to break in to make it look like I had done it, but it would have been pretty damn hard to do all of this while parking your cars. Anyway, Joey Porter thinks I broke into his car. So does Casey Hampton. The next week they pulled up and said "now nobody better break into the cars this week...we know you did it". Then why come back? That would be like Roethlisberger going back to his hoe in Vegas and saying, "hey, I know you accused me of rape last time and the case is still pending...but can we do it off the record this time?". Anyway, they aren't as intimidating in person as you would think. When Casey Hampton flipped out because a bar employee tried to have him move an hour after the bars closed so that he could sweep around his seat, Snack got all pissed that he was being disrespected and talked about how much money he brought into the place. Came off as more of a 'bag than a badass.

Regardless, Snack was the only one who really did that. The rest of the Steelers are really cool dudes. Charlie Batch and Mike Logan used to hook me up on the reg with tips; they were the only ones to do so. But with the money we charged to park I didn't really expect any tips. I was paid well just for being there. One of the coolest, most down to Earth Steelers was none other than Max Starks (along with Kemo and Najeh Davenport). Max was the man. So we hooked Max up when we could. After his injury in the 2006 season, he stopped by real quick once. Just for about 20 mins. So we pulled his car right up to the corner and didn't charge him. However, as I got out of the car, a wrapped condom fell out onto the sidewalk. A Magnum, of course. And I had never even tried using one of them. So I put it in my pocket for later. Max also handed me $10 on his way out. Thanks, Max!

It took a few weeks since I wasn't a player back then, but of course I got a chick to do me before I left for Florida. I still had Max Starks' Magnum handy and decided to try it out and, well, see if it fit. Lo and behold, they are pretty much the same size as regular condoms...maaaayyyybe a bit wider, so if anything they are easier to put on. No hassles with the Mag. They'll pretty much fit anybody, though, which leads me to believe that most people who use them just do so for the status and to make themselves feel better. Regardless, I tried it, it worked, and I gave the business to a young lady with Max Starks' condom.

Thanks again, Max!

The Lord shalt deliver us to playoffs

2009-12-29T08:39:00.000-08:00

Yo Ray-Ray, thanks for sittin' down with a playa to talk about Week 17's slate of supercalifragilisticespiala-DOCIOUS games. What is your mindset going into this final week. You ballin'?

At times during segments partaking in our lives, OUR VERY LIVES...we as human beings, created by the Lord, IN HIS IMAGE, and not, I REPEAT NOT, using Photoshop, we must from which it springs forth move toward the very goal presented to us BY GOD. By which it hath sprung from. And I, as a child of God, will do JUST THAT, as I embark on my quest towards the playoffs. This quest is a quest from which what forth I hath must travel. Have gun, or knife, will travel. Simple. As God's Linebacker, I must cover sideline-to-sideline for the Lord.

And cover sideline-to-sideline you do, Ray. BOOYAH! What do you say to critics accusing you of using overzealous religious imagery to cover up for that 2001 murder charge? It's murdaaaaaa!

Those that cast stones and throw bones know not that the overtones of my speech FROM WHICH WHENCEFORTH CAME directly from the Lord. DIRECTLY. The Microsoft word of the Lord is Fedex-ed directly to Ray Lewis, and Ray Lewis then speaks the word of the Lord for the Lord in place...IN PLACE OF THE LORD. Indeed...THE LORD DONE HATH GIVEN RAY LEWIS POWER OF ATTORNEY.

Damn strizzaight out the gate, dog! So I'm taking it that you like your team's chances against the Raiders to lock up a playoff spot?

Ray Lewis is blessed and thus blessed also be thy team that he playeth for. But mainly, RAY RAY PLAY FOR THE LORD. AND HE COVER SIDELINE-TO-SIDELINE FOR THE LORD. And thushencely, Ray Lewis' team plays for the Lord, and stands, one team, undivided, not dividible, under the Lord. And Ray Lewis stayed on this team due to his love for this team and the blessings bestowed upon this team by God, NOT, thuswhichrepeat NOT because the Cowboys did not give him enough money.

You all about the clout, Ray-Ray. I see you are glad you decided to stay in BMORE BAM BAM POW CHICKA GHOSTRIIIIIIDE THE WHIP PLAYA, up in the hizzy.

Stu, I am in the hizzy. THE HIZZY...OF THE LORD. The Lord's Hizzy. And thusmust I shalt get busy. The Lord God thoutsuchwhence shalt deliver us to playoffs. And in playoffs, we should drink the blood of our enemies, for we are in Holy War, WE ARE IN JIHAD. We are in playoff Jihad. And after such violence and atrocities donehath been committed, we must pray. This...THIS...this is why we pray. For we art all brothers. Brothers under our Father, the Lord God Himself.

BOOMCITY! Thanks for spittin' some knowledge at a playa, Ray.

It hath been my pleasure. And the pleasure...OF THE LORD. THE LORD GOD. And thus we pray.

Amen.

Yes. I'm going to say it. Steelers savior? Pacman Jones.

2009-12-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

So, the Steelers have realized that no amount of hope and change can cure what ails their secondary. It's a combination of a poor pass rush, injuries to star players, aging + regression to the mean, and, in my opinion, poor coverage schemes. Regardless, it's not going to be something that can be completely fixed in one draft.

So why not take a chance on the NFL equivalent of a freebie?

Pacman Jones is 26. He's not in jail. He's not suspended. He's never been formally charged with a single crime. He can play tomorrow. He'll come at the league minimum. He can be cut in 6 minutes. It will cost NFL peanuts to find out if he can still play. And if he can still play? He can be a star. And a steal, at that. At one point, Pacman Jones was an absolute lockdown corner at the NFL level. Three years ago, he singlehandedly won at least two games for Tennessee through interceptions and kick returns...and if you don't believe me, you can ask Eli Manning. There have been rumblings that Stefan Logan is a waste of a roster spot because he isn't doing enough in the return game to justify the fact that he is taking the roster spot of a potential positional player. I don't buy that, because I don't see this team being one shoddy backup away from competence.

But Pacman may not be that shoddy backup.

"But why did Tennessee cut him if he was so amazing, Vern?"

Simple. Pacman was the number 6 pick overall in the '06 draft, meaning he was carrying with him a very large cap number. He had just been arrested about 5 times and was looking at a yearlong suspension from Sheriff Goodell, who was just getting into his phase where he was overcompensating for something with huge suspensions. The Titans could not afford to pay this guy all that money while he was suspended and were just simply getting tired of his act. And I don't blame them...he was terrible there. He was getting arrested almost bi-weekly. But that was 2006 and I couldn't care less about it at this point.

"Ok...why did Dallas cut him if he was so good, then?"

I don't know. I can't tell you that. I'm thinking that Jerry Jones simply felt betrayed and that combined with the fact that the Cowboys had a bunch of young corners that they were thrilled with left him to choose cutting PMJ. By many accounts, Pacman was their best corner last year. I don't know why he was cut. Nor do I care at this point.

"But the Steelers just don't sign this type of player, Vern."

Don't kid yourself. James Harrison and Santonio Holmes, both heroes of last year's Super Bowl, also have woman-beating in common. I'm not going to count Holmes' weed infraction, because that's about as minor as they come and probably prevalent in the NFL. And maybe even society, for that matter. But still, he's been accused of woman-beating a few times. It was enough to get Cedrick Wilson cut, but not the superstars! We've also got a QB who is by all accounts an egomaniacal prick, a teflon douche at WR by the name of Hines Ward who is a fan favorite regardless of how much douche he empties out of his bag, and a kicker who assaults police officers. I don't care if they were already part of the family or not...what they all have in common with Pacman is the fact that they are good football players.

Pacman Jones can come in tomorrow at the league minimum, thankful for a chance to get back in the NFL. And he can potentially play the cornerback position at an elite level, something that this team needs badly. And if he can't? If he's completely lost it? Well, then you cut him and take a relatively small loss. No big deal. Pros greatly outweigh the cons.

"Vern...we don't want Pacman ruining the team chemistry."

Great. Neither do I. And he most likely won't, because he's never been a problem on the field. He has off-field problems, sure. But I don't care about that. By all accounts, Pacman is a diligent worker and a guy who plays his heart out and just wants to win football games. His teammates love that. He's not T.O., a guy with a squeaky-clean image off the field but a terrible one on the field, which I will argue is much, much worse. Pacman will not lead the Steeler players into lives of crime. He'll show them how to play corner and he might make it rain a few times as well. And if he kills a guy? Great. You can cut him.

I can't see any reason for Pacman Jones being out of football. I believe the same about Matt Jones. These guys are low-risk high-reward guys and in today's salary-capped NFL, that's how you get the edge you need.

The Steelers are simply not in a position to be perfect role-models right now. No one cares how nice your players are when they finish 8-8.

Gerry Dulac's keys to victory - Steelers @ Browns

2009-12-10T06:50:00.000-08:00

Big game tonight in what shouldn't by any conceivable stretch of the imagination be a big game.

Steelers sputter into Cleveland, fresh off of four straight losses including two to teams that their own fans don't even select in Madden, Kansas City and Oakland. The latter of which included Bruce Gradkowski lighting them up to the tune of 300+ yards and 3/0 TD/INTs. Delicious. That's what it tastes like when you give a rimjob to a leper. Not only that, but the 1-11 Browns actually look somewhat respectable with the emergence of Brady Quinn as a guy who can complete more than 45% of his passes at the NFL level, something the Browns have lacked over the past two years.

Anyway, I'm not an expert by any stretch, nor do I get paid that much to write. Technically I guess you can say I make just over 27 cents a day by virtue of my awesome advertisement I have in the upper right-hand corner. I'm not even sure if that check cleared. It probably did. But I guess it is my duty to keep this blog active, and what the hell...I may even place a bet or two on this one. But NOT without first consulting an expert...and I have one here in Gerry Dulac. Gerry, make sweet love to our language and tell us what each team needs to do to pull this one out. Cowboy Dulac, take me away...

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BROWNS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Allow Brady Quinn to be a medicine woman. Even though Brady Quinn isn't a doctor, and likely not a woman (although he does seem to have a hearty appetite for cock), the Browns need him to be a medicine woman and cure them of the disease from which they have suffered from all year...a severe case of sucking enormous balls. If Quinn can apply a vaccination against sucking enormous balls and even allowing them to only suck regular balls, the Browns should be able to put some points on the board and have a chance in this one.

2. Don't allow the Browns to turn into Frowns, and if they do turn into Frowns, turn them upside down. Eric Mangini has a hell of a task tonight...he can't allow the Browns to develop frowns. Football is a game played with emotion, and frowns contribute such negative emotion to a team's play that it is nearly impossible to win a game when frowning. Mangini must work his magic to keep the team from frowning. Worst case, if they do develop frowns...Mangini MUST work to turn those frowns upside-down as quickly as possible. Every frowning second will negatively affect the team's "Emotional Time of Possession (ETOP)", and the Browns are just not talented enough to overcome a huge disparity in ETOP.

3. Have the Wright stuff. Pittsburgh has passed at will this year. And at guys named Will, and Steve and Champ. However, the Browns must not allow them to pass at Eric, as cornerback Eric Wright needs to have the Wright stuff tonight. He cannot have the rong stuff. For Cleveland to win this game, they will have to love the way Eric Wright turns them. Wright is listed as questionable, but he needs to play, and he's gotta be all that they needed. He's gotta be so Wright.

4. Don't let Santonio buy and sell any Holmes. Santonio Holmes has been playing well in the past few weeks, catching a TD in each of his last two games and turning short passes into long games. The Browns CANNOT allow him to do any real estate brokering out there on the field, buying and selling homes or Holmes at his leisure. If Santonio is able to acquire a large portfolio of properties on the football field, expect the Browns to be evicted in the end.

5. Don't turn Massaquoi into a passive toy. He must be a massive boy. USE Mohammed Massoquoi effectively. He is Cleveland's top receiver and the only real weapon they have in the passing game, and he must be utilized often against Pittsburgh's suspect secondary. Massaquoi must be used actively, and cannot be allowed to become passive. If Cleveland wins this game, the fans will likely be mentioning afterwards that number 11 really was a massive boy out there.

STEELERS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Remain the Steelers...do not turn into the Peelers or the Revealers. The Steelers MUST remain Steelers and play Steeler football to win this game. They are not good enough right now to simply roll over and play Peeler football and win this game as they have been in the past. Also, Bruce Arians must mix it up enough on offense and Dick LeBeau the same on defense to keep the team from becoming Revealers and revealing the play to the Browns before it starts.

2. Need Sweed to proceed with speed and not greed. This one's simple. 2008 second-round pick Limas Sweed has been labeled a bust by many, however, the Steelers cannot afford to give up on him yet. With WR Hines Ward likely unable to tough out a hamstring concussion, Sweed is going to have to step up and proceed with speed. However, he cannot show any greed like he did in last year's playoffs following a big drop against the Ravens. Sweed's greed in faking an injury caused the team to burn a timeout, which they may need. Sweed must take heed and not continue to recede. If he does this, a fan may show her tits and earn herself a bead.

3. Don't allow the Browns to go downtown and eat Mounds. Calling the recent Steeler pass defense "shoddy" would be an affront to shoddy homes in Haiti. The Steelers pass defense, especially in the fourth quarter, has been downright syphilitic. It has syphilis. The Steelers must remedy this and prevent the Browns from throwing down town and celebrating in the endzone with delicious Mounds candy bars. If the Browns are allowed to throw downtown, they may eat so many Mounds that they develop Type II Diabetes.

4. Stay out of Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. Browns DT Shaun Rogers is one of the few top-end NFL talents on the team, and the Steelers would be wise to avoid running at him if possible. Although Mr. Rogers' neighborhood is typically in Pittsburgh, this week it may be moved to the middle of the Cleveland defensive line. Take the train through the tunnel into Make-Believe, but do it off-tackle.

5. Don't allow Dennis Dixon's dick in. Keep Dennis Dixon's dick out and on the sidelines by protecting Ben Roethlisberger from the Browns pass rush. Ben himself has to take an active role in this task by getting rid of the ball, thus keeping Dennis Dixon's dick where it belongs. While Dixon performed well when his dick was forced into the Baltimore defense, he still showed that he is a young quarterback still adjusting to the NFL game. If Dixon's dick is allowed to come into the game, things may change for the worse quickly for the Steelers.

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Thanks, Gerry! You may all take this information and use it as you wish when placing your bets tonight. Free of charge.

EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that Rogers is out for the year and will not be playing. Whatever. Tell it to Dulac.

Don't corrupt the minors!

2009-11-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

¡You're welcome, Patrón! Anytime. I'm glad to contribute to society by not providing your alcohol to teens. Twenty year olds and little kids, fine. They can get some. But no fucking teens. NONE! Because teens should not be drinking this alcohol and they are certainly not gonna get any of it from me.

But what Patrón fails to consider here is...

If I were going to give alcohol to a teen, it sure as fuck wouldn't be Patrón. King Vladimir? Maybe. I'd consider it. MD 20/20? Good chance. I can see myself getting some MD for a 17 year old. Boone's Farm? HELL. MOTHERFUCKING. YES. Any time. Call me up. Text me right now, say "yo vern its jeff i need summa dat boones fizzy" and I'll be all like "k". And then I'll bring it to your motherfucking doorstep. So long as your parents aren't home at least. I don't need to deal with that.

Would I hit up a teen with some Schlitz? Hell yeah I would. I would get 40s of Schlitz by the case for teens. If they didn't have any Schlitz 40s, I'd get a case of Keystone Ice pounders. It's about damn time these kids learn how to pound through a case of 'Stones. I'll make them a power hour CD as well. What do you kids listen to? "Party in the USA"? Fine. Fuck it. The Florida Panthers use it as well to get fired up out on the ice (seriously), so it can't be that bad. Heyyyyy, and a Jay-Z song was on, yeahhhh, sweet song kids, ok...take out your keys and I'll show you how to shotgun these beers! Here, have a PBR! I'll certainly let you have one of those!

You kids want to have a party? I'll go pick up a keg. Yinz want Beast or Natty? I have no problem doing that. I'll go pick it up myself, no prob. Oh, you don't just want beer? You want me to get a handle of Captain Morgan 151? Jeez, kids, that's big boy stuff! Gotta be at least 19 for that, no? Ok, ok...I'll pick it up if I can. And we ain't mixin' that, we're gonna shoot it straight like men. I'll get some chasers. And I ain't getting any diet 'cause none of you motherfuckers are diabetic. What? Wait...what was that, Bernice?

You want what?

YOU WANT FUCKING PATRON?

FUCK. NO. No Patrón. Are you retarded, Bernice? Who named you anyway...1927? Are you Calvin Coolidge and Amelia Earhart's jazz-era illegitimate fuckchild? Patrón? Really? You can't be serious. You know what, fuck it. Fuck this whole party. I'm not getting any alcohol for you douchebag kids anymore. Fuck you Jeff, fuck you Mark, fuck you Amanda, and FUCK YOU TOO BERNICE! God. Fuck you two times, Bernice. Right in that zit.

For real. No one in college said, "yeah man, here's 30 bucks...can you get me some Patrón?" Because that would redefine gay.

Khalid Shaik Whocares

2009-11-19T07:01:00.000-08:00

This guy. This is the guy that you are all afraid of. This guy who looks like the result of Bitch Stewie cloning Ron Jeremy. They are going to give him a trial in New York City! Oh my goodness, scene of the crime! Debates are popping up all over the place, either in favor of the move or strongly against it. What I'm disappointed in is the lack of indifference that I see. Why do people care? This is the kind of stuff that makes me want to hide all Facebook statuses.

Oh, Republicans. And don't get all up in arms, Conservatives. I'm talking Republicans. You know, the people who care whether a gay pregnant woman 1,500 miles away from them gets gay-married and then celebrates with an abortion. Repubs all over the House and Senate and TV are going absolutely nuts over this guy being captured in Pakistan and being afforded all of the rights of our Constitution (which I'm sure they all know in its entirety) even though he's Muzz. What should we do? Hand him over to the Pakistani government? Try him in Karachi? Maybe in Alaska? Russia? Alert, Nunavut, Canada? Just shoot him on the spot? Seems anti-climactic.

What if he is found innocent and set free in New York City?

Ok. Let's ignore the fact that he's not going to be found innocent and set free. What if, hypothetically, he is. And he's set free in New York City. What's he going to do? Do you really think he's just going to walk out and go blow something up? They are just going to stab him to death, anyway. Some New Yorker will beat him to death. That's what will happen. He's not going to blow anything up. He's not going to be martyred. Why would it matter where we kill him at? His Muzz-buddies aren't going to be any more inclined to attack us due to the location of the trial. Are yinz really that worried? I can only write in question format. Gay.

Bush wouldn't have done it!

Who cares? He might have. He might not have. All I can guarantee, and trust me...this is probably the safest guarantee in this history of guarantees....if Bush were to do the same thing, 95% of people in favor of this move would all of the sudden be against it and vice versa. In a heartbeat. I know Bush kept us safe...excluding the worst terrorist attack of all-motherfucking-time, of course...but Obama has thus far as well. Could it be because the terrorist cells are too fractured right now to replicate one of the most once-in-a-blue-moon terror plots in the history of ever? Maybe Bush wasn't completely at fault for 9/11 or completely responsible for the lack of devastating attacks since? BUT HE WAS SO STRONG! I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that the President of the US has fuckall to do with terrorist activity. There are government agencies dedicated to this stuff. And none of it is affected in the slightest by the location of this douchebag's trial. They tried Zacarias Moussaui in the US under Bush's watch...who cares that he was apprehended in Minnesota? Really? That is the big difference here...where the guy was arrested? Give me a fucking break.

They are going to attack New York now!

We've been hearing for years that once a Democrat gets in office, the terrorists are just going to attack us because we are going to be too light on terror. Now we're going to get attacked because we are going to be too heavy on it. Stop turning this into a fucking Bud Light commercial. If the terrorists were really looking for reasons to be pissed off at us and attack, they could just look at how we've invaded Iraq and then...oh. Right. Al-Qaeda wasn't in Iraq. Still, you get my point. I'm sure Iraq and Afghanistan and Pakistan and Stan Musial and all of those terrorcountries are probably weiner cousins anyway.

So listen. If yinz guys are so afraid of terrorists attacking New York again because this prairie-dog looking washed-up terrorist is going to be tried there, try him here where I live. Try him in my fucking garage. I don't care. I'll even be the stenographer. Terrorists have probably forgotten who this guy was and, most importantly...terrorists don't need a reason to attack us. They don't. Allah told them to do it! If anything, this frenzy we are whipping up might remind them that, "oh yeah, guys, we forgot to attack the US!". Try him in my living room. Put a bullseye on the roof of my house while you are doing it. Advertise it in the Kabul Gazette. I can deal with your manufactured paranoia, you fucked-up Congressmen. Bring it on. We can do this anytime, Khalid.

More gayness in writing - and chapping my balls while at it

2009-11-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

Above is Michael Silver, who wrote this article. I have nothing more for a lead-in. It sucks, he wrote it for a legit writing outfit, and they paid him enough to afford those epically gay glasses. So congrats to you, Mr. Silver, on achieving Epic Gayness.

When Bill Belichick made the decision to go for it on fourth-and-2 from his own 28 with 2:08 remaining and a six-point lead over the Colts on Sunday night, the future Hall of Fame coach knew exactly what he was doing.

Yes, he was going to attempt to convert a 4th down that would win the game for his team if converted and most likely lose it if not. Ok.

It was a perfect setup for ego-driven gratification, guaranteed to paint him as an avant garde genius or a misunderstood martyr: Either the Pats would convert the first down and win the game, and Belichick would be heralded as the shrewdest coach in America, or they’d fall short and lose, and he’d be pummeled by lesser mortals like me who simply don’t understand football on a higher plane.

What? Ego-driven gratification? What the fuck are you talking about? He was most likely attempting to play the odds, believing that his team had a better chance of converting that short 4th down than stopping Peyton Manning from scoring the go-ahead TD after a punt. Stop trying to turn this into 10th grade English class, where we search balls-deep in novels for hidden meanings as to why Edgar Allen Whogivesafuck named the Calico cat in chapter 5 "Puddles". Could it have something to do with St. Felix's Flood in Holland in 1530? I think it maaaaaaayyyyyyyyy dot dot dot.

We all saw what happened, and now it’s time for Belichick to assume the position. Bill, meet Barry Switzer. And see that guy over there in the corner of the room with padded walls? That would be one Sam Wyche.

Ok. I'm not familiar, so let's see why Sam Wyche is sitting in a corner of a padded room shaking and pissing into his own mouth.

Many people recall Switzer’s similarly dubious fourth-down gamble as coach of the Cowboys, which led to a late-season defeat to the Eagles in 1995. Less familiar to most fans is Wyche’s incomprehensible decision, as coach of the Bengals, to give Joe Montana and Jerry Rice a chance to beat him in 1987.

Don't give a fuck on Switzer, sometimes these calls work out and sometimes they do not. What did Wyche do?

In that game, the Bengals led the 49ers, 26-20, with six seconds remaining at Riverfront Stadium. San Francisco was about to fall to 0-2, pending a Cincinnati punt from its own 31-yard line, where the Bengals faced a fourth-and-long. Wyche didn’t want to risk a punt, instead calling a sweep for James Brooks, with the assumption that the play would eat up the remaining time.

That's almost epically retarded. Why not have the QB drop back and have the QB heave the ball as far as he can in the air? Still might not kill six seconds. Six seconds! The clock is going to stop right when the ballcarrier is tackled. Six seconds! I have a hard time believing that even an average sweep play is going to kill six seconds. That is ridiculously stupid on Wyche's part. And almost completely opposite-of-analogous to Belichick's call. Allow Sam Wyche to continue sitting in that room corner and feasting on bovine semen.

In defense of Belichick, many people have pointed out that he’s perhaps the greatest coach of his era, with three Super Bowl rings and a history of smart leadership. And all of that’s true – but it doesn’t mean that he has complete license to make ill-fated moves without being people questioning whether he has gone off the deep end.

Right. Like, for example, none of this gives Belichick license to instruct his punter to punt backwards over his own head and then take his pants off on the field. That would be going off the deep-end. This? This can be legitimately explained if people just drop the OMG WHY DIDN'T HE PUNT! schadenfreude as they jerk off while watching Belichick fail. And I absolutely HATE Bill Belichick. This all pains me to type, people.

Greater coaches than Belichick have seemingly lost their minds; hey, it’s a stressful profession that feeds God complexes like few others. And it’s not insignificant that two of his most respected ex-players, Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi, were highly critical of the decision as television analysts.

It's absolutely insignificant. Have you ever heard Lou Holtz on TV? Just because one of his former players, especially one like Harrison who is probably still retarded off HGH abuse says that it was a bad decision does NOT make it a bad decision. If Bruschi was able to make the right decision every time he'd probably be a coach. Nothing could be more insignificant.

Trust me when I say that many people currently in the Patriots’ organization, at various levels, were equally perplexed by Belichick’s behavior.

Trust me when I say that I don't care in the slightest. There's a reason they aren't the head coach.

Put it this way: Would Belichick have dared try that move with people like Bruschi, Harrison, Willie McGinest, Mike Vrabel and Richard Seymour on the sidelines? If he had, there might have been a full-blown incident on the sidelines – which is precisely why Belichick loved and coached those proud defenders, and why he’s doing a disservice to the Jerod Mayos and Brandon Meriweathers by not giving them the opportunity to define themselves in gut-wrenching situations like Sunday’s.

Yes, he probably would have. If Belichick is worried about Mike Vrabel punching him on the sidelines after a call, he should fucking trade Mike Vrabel to the Chiefs or something. He's not doing a disservice to Jerod Mayo. If Jerod Mayo is that sensitive, he needs to undergo counseling. Or maybe consider not allowing the Colts to put them in that position by scorching the field for 70 yards in about a minute in their previous drive. This "omg you don't trust the defense!" argument chaps my balls harder than soaking them for four hours in a bowl of Ann Coulter's taint-sweat.

Back when he trusted his defense with the game on the line, Belichick successfully preached to his players that it was all about team. Granted, he was the unquestioned authority figure, but no one – not even the coach – was bigger than the team.

He did? He never went for it on fourth down? Does that mean he didn't trust Tom Brady and the offense? When he put Vrabel in as a tight end, does that mean he didn't trust his tight ends? When he onside-kicked, does that mean he didn't trust his kick coverage? When he paid his bills online, does that mean he didn't trust his fucking mailman? This is retarded. The team should be about winning fucking games, and they would have had they gotten two yards. Doesn't the team trust Brady to pick up two yards?

By not punting on Sunday, Belichick essentially acted like he was above his players – and the fact that the decision backfired could have lasting consequences. All of those arguments in defense of Belichick which suggest that he was simply playing the odds won’t fly in the locker room, where results are the only thing that matters.

You are a fucking idiot. You are. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but you are. He didn't act like he was above his God damn players...it's not like Belichick went out there and took the snap, or he called "Belichick Left 42" on three, or any of that stupid drivel. Fuck playing the odds! That's stupid! Results matter!

I'm sure the players have no problems with the call at all. What if it would have worked? They would have liked him? That is stupid logic. That logic is tortured. What you are doing to that logic, Mr. Silver, is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

Besides, the “odds” of converting a fourth-and-2 don’t take into account the risk, numerical and emotional, of failing in that situation. Playing Russian roulette is another example of playing the odds, and if you get away with it, bravo. But if you don’t? Well, Belichick had best hope the Patriots perform as well as he expects them to in the coming weeks and months, or he may look back on Sunday as the moment it all started to unravel.

Ahhhh. Where to start.

Ok. The odds can cover this. Here's how it works....if the odds of you converting the fourth down OR failing and then keeping the Colts out of the endzone are better than punting and keeping the Colts out of the endzone, then go for it! Who cares how emotional you are? Are the Colts robots? Are they not emotional? Could they be sad that day? Has anyone even thought to consider how sadfacey Peyton Manning was?

But the Russian Roulette thing...how do you get away with writing that as a legit point? Here are the odds that come to play here:

PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE: 1/6 chance of dying

DO NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE: No chance of dying

The odds say DO NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE YOU FUCKING MORON! Jeez. If the choice was between playing Russian Roulette and, say, fighting a live puma, or maybe even getting a billion dollars if you win, things may change a bit. But if all you get is the satisfaction of winning the Russian Roulette game then...why am I even bothering? Anybody with sense can see that this is retarded.

The weird thing is, neither Wyche nor Switzer let their moments of ignominy take them down. Wyche took the Bengals to the Super Bowl the following season, losing only because of Montana’s brilliant 92-yard drive in the final three-plus minutes. Switzer’s Cowboys didn’t lose again after that defeat in Philly, going on to capture their third Super Bowl title in four years.

Wow...THAT'S INSANE. One thing going wrong didn't cause them to completely collapse as NFL head coaches? Maybe because they aren't 4-year olds and no one cares if they offer sufficient respect to their defenses through their play calling or maybe because the nature of football is sometimes something works and sometimes it doesn't?

Nah. Fuck that. These guys are just weird.

Those two coaches were deservedly ripped after their decisions led to defeats, and they did something about it. My advice to Belichick is to take his punishment, rejoin the mere mortals in his midst and try to muster a similar response.

I'm sure he says "you're welcome" and then makes one of those jackoff motions in your direction.

But he isn't done. Then he offers a list of 32 bits of info about each team. Let's take a look.

1. New Orleans Saints: How scary is it that Darren Sharper’s replacement, Usama Young, had an end-zone interception in his first start?

It's not scary. Sometimes defensive backs intercept passes. I'm really not scared at all. Or...maybe the Saints are the best team ever in the NFL because Usama Young replaced Darren Sharper and intercepted a pass against the MOTHERFUCKING RAMS. Yeah. Let's go with that one.

2. Indianapolis Colts: Yo, football gods: If Jim Caldwell didn’t lose on Sunday, will he ever?

Hells no! They will never face another test as stern as a visiting 6-2 New England squad. Jim Caldwell is invincible. He should play Russian Roulette professionally.

3. Minnesota Vikings: Did anyone besides Brett Favre know Sidney Rice was this good?

The team that drafted him? The coaches? His teammates? Anyone other than Brett Favre, who probably had absolutely no idea who Sidney Rice even was when he agreed to go to Minnesota? Am I missing something here?

4. Cincinnati Bengals: With Cedric Benson enjoying a career revival and Larry Johnson apparently on his way to Cincy, is Corey Dillon next?

Uhhh....didn't Corey Dillon have to leave Cincinnati for a career revival? And from all accounts, LJ will be inactive for most of the Bengals' games. REVIVAL!

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Is it crazy to wonder whether poor kickoff coverage could cost this team a chance to repeat?

As it's already cost them one possible game and almost another, no, it's not. Kickoff returns count for just as much as any other touchdown, regardless of the amount of emotion involved.

6. New England Patriots: Does this hairless thug who threw down an NFL Films cameraman while escorting Bill Belichick to the locker room think we live in a repressive Third World country ruled by a ruthless dictator – or does he just think the NFL is its own, sovereign nation?

That is one of the worst attempts at a joke I've ever seen. Or does he think that it is a planet in a different galaxy where ape-people eat metal and hover over lakes of milk? Or does he think he's in an Ace and Gary sketch on SNL and sitting in the passenger seat of a penis car playing solitare on an iPhone? Or is this just gay? I choose option gay.

12. Philadelphia Eagles: If a team can’t convert in short-yardage situations – no matter how much talent it features on offense – can it be considered a legitimate contender?

Not a chance. You have to go all the way back to the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers to find a championship team that couldn't convert in short-yardage situations!

15. Green Bay Packers: Was Sunday’s performance a season-saver – and, if so, what took these guys so long to crank it up?

Maybe they didn't just crank it up. Maybe week-to-week performances just kind of alternate like that. Maybe it happens to like every team. What the fuck happened to Dallas? And Pittsburgh? How'd the Colts almost lose to the 49ers at home? Why does Jay Cutler suck? Who knows.

24. Washington Redskins: After coach Jim Zorn informed him of his intention to run the creative fourth-down fake that led to a second-quarter touchdown, did designated play-caller Sherm Lewis yell, “Bingo!?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAA SHERM LEWIS BINGO JOKES! Hey, did you guys hear? John Candy died!

I'm done. I hated everything about this column. I'm going to lie down and play some Russian Roulette.

IN BEN'S EYES

2009-11-17T07:40:00.000-08:00

IN BEN'S EYES
I did not see
IN BEN'S EYES
Any light or fire
IN BEN'S EYES
It looked kind of like...he couldn't give the slightest horsefuck
IN BEN'S EYES
I bet that Ben....was out the night before not studying film
IN BEN'S EYES
The opposite of fire
IN BEN'S EYES
It was like he has a very competent fire department in his eyes
A fire department that puts out all the fire in his eyeeeeeeeeeeessss

O. M. G. If anybody else tries to say that they didn't "see the same fire" in Ben's eyes this weekend or that the team's gotten complacent or they want the Ben from last year to come back or anything like that then I am going to adopt a Polynesian child and then never talk to him so he grows up with serious issues and then those issues manifest themselves through various reprehensible actions. Jeez. Yinz are out of your damn minds.

Yes, let's bring old Ben back. FIREBEN! 17 TDs to 15 INTs Ben! Ben that singlehandedly lost to the Colts and Giants last year. CLUTCHINESS! F this 2,400 yards thrown in like 9 games and 14 TDs Ben. He's lost his clutchiness! It's like he traded in his motorbicycle for an AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION! One with no clutch! And don't give me that "ohhh, Vern, automatic transmissions have clutches, they are just triggered automatically by the governor when it fills up with transmission fluid and etc etc." because I'll be like "STFU FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUTCH!". And you don't want that because then I'd be yelling and I'm not nice when I'm yelling.

Relax, yinz. Them Stillers are 6-3. 10 wins will almost certainly at least get them back to the playoffs. They might run the tabe. Who knows. But all of yinz ready to jump off of the US Steel building need to back up a bit and crush up some chill pills and then snort them through a rolled-up dollar bill. 'Cause yinz is crazy. Ite? The Pittsburgh Super Bowl Champions will be fine, I believe. There's a lot of season left. Let's allow it to play out first, ok?

Peace be with yinz.

Head and Shoulders and MORE

2009-11-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

Troy! Troy, HUGE interception on that 4th quarter drive there. Looks like you read Orton's eyes the whole way there. And yes, I agree, your hair was shining the whole time and you owe that to Head and Shoulders and yada yada yada, but let's talk about the pick you made and not your excellent hair, ok?

Good point, Trent. Head and Shoulders makes my hair look good, we all know that. But I have to credit that interception to new Head and Shoulders...and More.

Head and Shoulders and More? What the hell are you talking about?

It's new from Head and Shoulders! Check it out! And please watch the language...you should say "heck" instead.

You know the hair on your head is not the only hair on your body, Trent! I have to thank Head and Shoulders and More for my luxurious pubic mane! Check out this bush!

Uhhhh, Troy, I don't want to see your bush.

Sure you do, Trent, I can tell! Don't be embarrassed, there's nothing wrong with wanting to see what Head and Shoulders and More can do for a grown man's bush. Check it out! (pulls down pants to expose pubes)

Oh, God, Troy, I don't....WOW! Head and Shoulders and More did that! It's so shiny and luxurious and feels like one of those polar bear throw rugs! It looks like angel hair pasta!

I told you, Trent!

*runs off to the locker room*

I have to get some of that stuff!

(Narrator)

HEAD and SHOULDERS and MORE...BOOM!

*Head and Shoulders and More slams down onto table in commercial*

Shine up your bush like Polamalu's and give it the respect it deserves! GET YOUR PUBES IN THE GAME!

Sexually harrassing the English language

2009-11-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

Gerry Dulac. Post-Gazette writer. Steelers columnist. Paid to write. Physically collects checks from the PG which he then deposits for actual money with which he can buy things. Material possessions. Probably nicer ones than I am able to afford.

Yet he is also a rapist.

I present my evidence in the form of the article I have just linked to in which Mr. Dulac takes the English language and then just has unprotected rapesex with it. He just date-rapes the language. Here it is, English, meeting Gerry Dulac, who is a professional paid columnist, thinking that he's just going to take it for a nice evening stroll. Just get reacquainted with it, enjoy the nice weather before winter arrives, etc. The language thinks that as a professional, Mr. Dulac is going to have nothing but the utmost respect for her...yet, he takes advantage of her willingness and just date-rapes the absolute fuck out of her right in front of everybody who reads the Post Gazette. It was a cold, classless calculated move by Dulac, and he should be ashamed. Andrea McNulty should be suing him on behalf of the language. I'd certainly believe her in that instance.

Seriously, these are some of the worst puns ever concocted. Dulac just took words and put them next to each other without rhyme or reason like you are just allowed to do that these days or something. I have no idea. Big Pun would be ashamed to have "pun" in his name following this typebortion. From the "To win, the (team) must..." section:

To win, the Broncos must ...

1 Not be yonkos*. They looked intimidated vs. the Ravens and did not match Baltimore's intensity, something they must do vs. the Steelers.

What? What in the coal-powered fuck is that, Dulac? What is a Yonko? You can't just change a name to something that sounds funny and expect that to be cool. It's not. That is not an insult. At least not to the Broncos. Maybe he just insulted Bronko Nagurski. I have no idea. All I know is that Hines Ward better not look like SQUINES Ward out there on the field, right? Am I right? Haaaaa! Chew on that, SQUINES!

EDIT: It was pointed out to me that Myron Cope always called the Broncos "Yonkos". I still don't care. It stays.

2. Buck the big play. They lead the AFC with 23 sacks and have to make sure Ben Roethlisberger doesn't have enough time to throw.

Uhhh, I guess that's ok. You can buck a trend. And broncos can buck...like, real ones, that is. You know, bucking broncos! Maybe these Broncos have to buck in order to prevent the Pittsburgh Steelworkers from completing big plays. Or, maybe he just chose the word "buck" because when combined with "big" in big play it created an alliteration, which just plain read magically. Every time. Cogency be damned.

3 Not let Knowshon be a no-show. The Steelers haven't allowed a 100-yard rusher in 29 games (counting playoffs).

Sigh. Knowshon can't be a no-show! He must show up! He's their running back! Where's my money?

*collects check from PG*

I get it. His name is Knowshon, so he can't be a no-show! Unlike his name, which has "know" in it! Pun fucking City, population Gerry Dulac. DO YOU KNOW-NOTHING, SIR? This is retarded. It's got an extra 21st chromosome.

To win, the Steelers must ...

1. Pile on Orton. He has been efficient for the Broncos, using screens and quick throws to slow the pressure and throwing just one interception.

Because his name is Kyle! So they have to pile on him and sack him! Just like every quarterback. Seriously, is there any time the defense says, "you know what, guys, this guy they got back there...you just...you just don't want to sack him. Run past him, pretend to slip, anything. Just don't sack him! It's going to be terrible for our defense"? I'm expecting the next tip to be "Be the Pittsburgh Scorers...score more points than the other team! Most teams that do this win!" Indeed they do, Gerry. Indeed they do.

2. Not get branded by Marshall. He can create matchup problems in the secondary, especially with S Ryan Clark not playing.

Right! Because his name is Brandon, and his doing well in this football game would be analogous to him branding the Steelers with a hot poker! His steaming visage would be all over this game. And all over Ryan Clark. Even though he's not playing. So maybe it won't be on Ryan Clark. Which is good, because then he won't turn into Fryin' Ryan!!!!!!!

3. Not let Elvis be a hound dog. Dumervil, the AFC sack leader, uses his smallish size (5-11, 248) to get underneath tackles and gain leverage.

Ok, this one hurts my creativity muscles. Just copying and pasting it gave me Carpal-Tunnel. Due to his smallish size, Elvis Dumervil physically crawls underneath tackles and gets into the backfield, getting the opposition All Shook Up. Or, maybe Elvis is a Fool and Rushes In to sack the quarterback. Something like that. He's the KING.

Since Dulac passed out from creative overload after penning this section, I figure that I will help the Post-Gazette and come up with a five-pack of my own for each team. This is free of charge, PG...just send me a nice thank you note and maybe a Doug Legursky-signed Terrible Towel and we'll call it even.

To Win, the Broncos must....

1. Not let Big Ben put his giant clock in your ass. In addition to being the Steeler's QB, Big Ben is also the name of a giant clock. If Big Ben strikes midnight in this game, expect a lot of limping Broncos on the receiving end of this clock-wise fucking.

2. Not get any STDs on defense. The Broncos have to wrap-up on the defensive side if they want to win this game. If they don't wrap-up, they may find themselves the victims of an unwanted teenage pregnancy in the form of Santonio Holmes or Hines Ward turning a short catch into a big play.

3. Not be the Schmenver Concos. Being the Schmenver Concos would suggest that the Broncos are playing zootball on a zootball field, and this is not the NZL. Instead of tassing and grunning the zootball as the Schmenver Concos would do, the Broncos should pass and run the football. Don't play bathmouth zootball behind Skyle Aborton and Goodtoknowshon Dorito.

4. Allow Correll to corrun. Correll Buckhalter is averaing 6 yards per carry this season, which would CORRELLate very strongly with victory...because 6 yards per carry is good and good things tend to win football games.

5. Not bunt the football, but instead punt it. Bunting the football 4 to 5 yards instead of punting it 40 to 50 will greatly reduce Denver's chances of winning this game. Field position is important, and if Mitch Berger decides to bunt instead of punt, the Steelers could find themselves charging the bunt to field it and then throwing it to first where it will be caught for victory by the first basemen, Rashard Mendenhall.

To win, the Steelers must...

1. Save Private Ryan. Ryan Clark almost died the last time he played in the high Denver altitude, and the Steelers would be very well served to not allow him to die this time. A dead Ryan Clark will be a huge liability in pass coverage, as Emlen Tunnell showed last year playing dimeback for the Detroit Lions.

2. Keep the Broncos from cooking Roethlisburgers and then eating them on the field with a full assortment of condiments and soft drinks. Allowing the Broncos pass rush to continually get into the Steeler backfield, setting up a gas grill and preparing delicious Roethlisburgers to serve to the rest of the team will spell certain doom for Pittsburgh's chances in this ball game. They must prevent the Broncos from having a delicious barbeque at all costs.

3. Don't fall victim to a Royal flush. When playing cards with the Broncos, the Steelers cannot overplay their hand (even if they have quad aces) and fall victim to Eddie Royal playing a royal flush by taking a punt back for a touchdown. Royal played this hand twice against the Chargers in mid-October, beating Philip Rivers' 7-J straight and Norv Turner's nines-over-fours full house. These two hands were enough to tilt the game in favor of the Broncos.

4. Be the Pittsburgh Stealers. Steal the ball from the Broncos. Create turnovers. Interceptions. Fumbles. Physically steal balls from the initial stockpile of gameballs. Don't give the balls back. Keep the balls that you just stole. That is one almost foolproof way for the Steelers to win this game. If the Broncos are unable to even find a ball to play with, their offense will be severely limited.

5. Make sure Mike Wallace is not ball-less. If the Steelers want to open up their running attack, getting some balls to Mike Wallace and not allowing him to go ball-less will surely help them to do so. The explosive rookie is one of the fastest players on the field, and there is no reason for Benjamin R. Roethlisberger to keep him ball-less. Ben must hit Wallace with his balls. As usual, the R. stands for "rape".

So there you go, PG! Free of charge! You can even put them under Dulac's name for all I care.

POWERSLAM

2009-11-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

HEY YALL THIS IS ED ORGERON OF THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS BUT YOU CAN JUST CALL ME COACH O. OR NOT. BUT IF NOT ILL POWERFUCK YOUR GRANDMOTHER HARDER THAN HURRICANE CAMILLE POWERFUCKED THE RICHELIU APARTMENTS AND ILL DO IT RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE RECRUITING YOUR SON TO PLAY FOOTBALL AT TENNESSEE AND ILL MEGARAPE HIM IN THE FUCKING SHOWER IN FRONT OF THE TEAM. AND TRUST ME NOBODY POWERFUCKS OR MEGARAPES LIKE COACH O. I DONT EVEN TYPE IN ALLCAPS I POWERTYPE!

*Emphasizes last sentence and shatters "!" key*

I GUESS THAT MEANS NO MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS FOR COACH O BUT THATS FINE CAUSE COACH O DONT NEED NO EXCLAMATION POINTS TO EXCLAIM. IM NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT EXCLAIMING THOUGH IM HERE TO TALK ABOUT DRUGS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY NOT DOING DRUGS. KIDS DONT DO ANY DRUGS EXCEPT GOOD DRUGS LIKE STEROIDS. STEROIDS ARE GOOD DRUGS. WHO CARES THAT THEY MAKE YOUR BALLS SMALLER THAT WILL MAKE YOUR DICK LOOK BIGGER AND IF THERES ONE THING COACH O KNOWS ITS THE LADIES AND THAT THE LADIES LOVE BIG DICKS. THATS WHY COACH O GETS SO MANY LADIES BECAUSE HIS DICK SWINGS AROUND LIKE A FUCKING PENDULUM.

*Whips out dick and breaks glass with it*

DID YOU SEE THAT KIDS I JUST BROKE THAT GLASS WITH MY DICK.

*Begins chewing glass, bleeds from mouth profusely*

AND IM MAN ENOUGH TO EAT GLASS MMMMMM GLASSS MMMSMDJDFJSD *choking on own blood* BECAUSE IM MENTALLY ANDMMMMM PHYSICALLYMMMM MMTOUGHMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMM *throws up blood-soaked shards of glass*

SO KIDS FUCK DRUGS EXCEPT GOOD DRUGS AND GET GOOD GRADES AND ALL OF THAT SHIT AND ONE DAY YOU CAN PLAY FOR COACH O HERE AT TENNESSEE. HERES WHAT WE DO AT TENNESSEE EVER SINCE COACH O ARRIVED IN THIS TOWN:

- POWERFUCK EVERYTHING THAT MOVES - YOU KIDS WILL BE GODS ON CAMPUS AND MASTERS AT THE ART OF THE POWERFUCK. YOU WILL LEARN FROM THE BEST, COACH O. I COULD FUCK A BLUE WHALE IN ITS ASS AND MAKE IT BLEED TO DEATH.

*suplexes Volvo*

- DICKSTOMP ALL OPPONENTS - EVERY TEAM THAT DARES CROSS OUR PATH WILL BE DICKSTOMPED INTO NEXT MILLENIUM. OUR DICKS WILL BE LIKE MORTARS AND PESTLES AND WE WILL DICKGRIND THE ENEMY INTO A FINE FAGGOTY DUST THAT WILL BE SNORTED BY FAGGOT PUSSY SOCCER PLAYERS WHO WILL THEN TURN SO FUCKING FAGGYGAY AND START FUCKING EACH OTHER ON THE FIELD WHILE WE SIT BACK AND LAUGH AND JACK OFF UNTIL WE RIP OUR OWN DICKS OFF AND THEN SLAP BEAR BRYANTS GHOST WITH THEM. WE ARE THE TENNESSEE DICKSTOMPERS!

*drinks entire contents of 5-gallon gasoline jug*

- ROPEDICKS - ALL OF MY PLAYERS HAVE ROPEDICKS. YOU WILL LASSO EVERY DICKCRAVING FUCKSLUT ON THIS FUCKING CAMPUS AND SUPERFUCK EACH ONE OF THEM UNTIL THEIR UTERUS LOOKS LIKE MATT SCHAUB. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE FUCKING DO HERE WHEN YOU ARE A TENNESSEE DICKSTOMPER. WE FUCKING SUPERFUCK WITH OUR ROPEDICKS.

SO IF YOU WANT TO BE A FUCKING MAN WITH A GIANT ROPEDICK YOU FUCKING ACT LIKE IT AND MAYBE COACH O WILL COME TO THE DOOR AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE WILL YOU SIGN A LETTER OF INTENT AND YOU FUCKING LIKE IT. BUT DON'T COUNT ON IT PUSSIES.

Generic Energy Drink Corner: MONSTER M-80

2009-11-03T08:54:00.000-08:00

Once again, the background has been changed to protect the author, who holds a legitimate job.

As I have long tired of paying the $5.97 price tag affixed to Red Bull these days, I occasionally dabble in the generic energy drink circuit to mixed results. Today I pounded some MONSTER M-80...ENERGY + JUICE!!! I know it's been awhile since most of you have last taken a math class, but let me help you out here: Energy + Juice = POWERSLAMS. Mixing the two allows you POWERSLAM all of your daily tasks and then MEGARAPE them on the table. Or at least that's what it says on the can.

However, in reality, this tastes nothing like an explosion or anything of the sort. It tasted like pineapple juice. You know, the stuff that comes out of that gay little Dole can with the gay little opening on the top of it. What a freaking letdown! This juice was completely devoid of energy. They might as well have bottled the excitement at a St. Louis Rams home game, mixed it with juice and taurine, put the Monster logo on it and sold it like that. No explosions. No powerslamming. NO ENERGY. I imagine that the people who like to drink this stuff also ordered this jersey:

Hell yeah, Mural Hodge! SLAM THAT M-80! ENERGY + JUICE!

This joke of a drink didn't even give me the energy shakes. That's terrible.

Ultimatim

2009-10-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hey there, Jeff! Hey, got a little suggestion I'd like to make. And by suggestion, I mean you are going to start Vince at QB this week.

Awwwww, come on Mr. Adams, for real?

Hell yes I'm for real! Y'all are an embarrassment to the state 'a Tennessee this year and I'd like to see what my boy Vince can do out there on the football field

But sir, we're still trying to win these games! I still feel that Kerry....

Listen you fuckin' NASCAR-looking jizz-sipper! I'm the boss around here, and I say start Vince. If you don't, I swear to God I will come down there and rip that fucking pubestache right off that Jiffy Lube-ass face of yours. You hear me?

Yes, sir.

*hangs up*

Fuck me. Seriously...I hope somebody comes in here in a Home Depot apron and shovel-fucks me. Just fuck me with a fucking shovel.

God damn it. I guess I had better break the news to Vince.

Oh fuck yeah, this is tight! This shit gonna be hot.

Damn...what's coach want? Shouldn't he be watchin' film or some shit?

*answers phone*

What up, Fishsticks?

*sighs*

Hey, Vince. What's up, buddy? How you doin'?

Working on my Halloween costume...I'm going to be a panda this year. Shit's gonna be tight. I'll show you.

*sends picture message*

Vince, I don't need to see your costume....

*checks new message*

Holy fuck, Vince! That's awesome! You look like...like an actual panda!

Are you....are you eating bamboo?

Hell yeah, Coach! Just like a real panda.

How long did it take you to make that costume, Vince?

'Bout 50 hours, I'd say. I been workin' on it for awhile now. I got a lotta time since Lendale ain't drinkin' Patron with me anymore. So I just been drinkin' that shit straight out the bottle and workin' on this panda, ya know what I'm sayin'? I'm probably gonna make a full body suit and be like, a real panda and...eh, you know what? Fuck it. I don't really want to make a suit. Fuck it. I'll just go like this.

Vince, Vince...I got it. I just wish you would spend this much time and attention in the film room.

I'm guessing you've seen what Bud said on TV by now, right?

Nah Coach...I been spendin' all that time getting fucked up and makin' this panda. I ain't seen shit on TV.

Oh...hmm. Well...Bud demanded that I start you at quarterback this weekend.

What? What the fuck you say, Coach?

You're gonna be starting this week. So you might want to stop drinking for a bit, you know, cause you're going to have to like, play football this weekend.

No way Coach, I done spent too much time on this panda costume and I got like mad fuckin' parties to hit this weekend, dog. I ain't doin' it.

Vince, you're gonna start this weekend.

This is your chance to resurrect your career, Vince! You have to take this seriously.

Awww, damn Coach. You right. I guess I'll stop drinkin for a bit and maybe check out some film and try to get back....

That's what I like to hear!

....and like, maybe practice hard this week and like....oh, fuck it. Fuck it, man.

What? What do you mean "fuck it"?

Just fuck it, Coach...ya know? Fuck it. I got all this shit to do this weekend and I ain't make this panda for nothin'. I'm gonna be gettin' some serious ass with this thing. Fuck football. I don't want to start. I don't think. Just fuck it. Fuck it with a shovel, ya know what I mean? Iiiiiite coach, I'm gonna go do some shots with Limas Sweed.

*Sighs*

I know what you mean, Vince. I know what you mean.

Fuck it.

Accidentally taking meth

2009-10-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

Shown in one picture is all-time tennis legend Andre Agassi, a man who could show Kordell Stewart a thing or two about pounding balls.

Also shown is a guy who used meth.

BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE PICTURE!

Yeah, whatever, everyone has heard by now that Andre Agassi used meth in 1987. And, truthfully, I couldn't care less if he used meth, blew priests, fucked goats, paid Ted Haggard in counterfeit money for rimjobs, sympathized with the Taliban, etc. Don't care. So he used meth. So did Stephanie Tanner. And you know yinz all love you some Stephanie Tanner.

However, Agassi writes in his book that he tested positive for meth in 1988 but convinced ATP (the American Tennis People) that he had taken it...accidentally.

AND IT WORKED!

I'm not linking to anything, because that would entail me searching, and I don't feel like doing that. Fuck that. But he said it. And tennis was all like, "oh, ok, that's cool....everybody accidentally takes some meth every now and then".

WTF! Ok, I'm no methspert, but...is that really plausible? Don't you have to like, smoke meth on a big ass spoon with like a butane torch while wearing an INXS t-shirt and sitting in a bathtub full of skim milk? Darryl Strawberry never claimed to accidentally use crack. Rae Carruth never described gunning down his pregnant wife as a "misunderstanding". And while Agassi did...you'd still expect the Tennis Federation to be like, "whoa Ags, you can't just accidentally use meth!". But nooooooooo.They bought it!

This defense never ever worked for me, and I've only used it for far more trivial matters than doin' some meth. So....point, Agassi. There's a real man of genius if I've ever seen one.

It's Tricky: Charli Baltimore

2009-10-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, female rappers. A curious breed. They can't really rap about like, selling coke and shooting people and stuff, so they mainly just talk about beating up other women and taking on prodigious amounts of dick. Seriously, why can't real women be like this? "Hey, I take so many dicks and I'm so awesome at laying there and getting cocked". Oh, really? He's my phone, email, fax, pager and social security numbers. We should meet up and touch our gens together.

Anyway, in the song N.B.C. (Nore, Baltimore, Cam'Ron), with, well...Noreaga and Cam'Ron, the little minx above, who goes by the name Charli Baltimore, drops this fine lyric (and you can see that there's plenty more awesomeness where that came from):

[Charli Baltimore]
Fools ain't ever know, the ghettos be the baddest clique
Charli's Angels, tangle with devil's advocate
Hoes mad cause our pussies got the fattest clits

Uhhhh...congrats? Hoes are jealous of the size of your clits? Who the fuck even notices or says anything about that?

"Hey, Vern...DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT CHICK'S CLIT?!??!?"

"Uh, no Jim...she was wearing pants."

"YOU COULD SEE IT THROUGH THE PANTS!"

"Great. Stop yelling at me."

What a weird thing to brag about. Just goes to show how much it sucks to be a female rapper and how you are behind the 8-ball right from the point you delve face first into that idea. Or it's vagina. Or something like that.

Sure is tricky to rock a rhyme right on time. Especially for a chick rapper.

From: http://www.musicbabylon.com

Jesus hates Curt Schilling

2009-10-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Just came across a link to one of the largest, most voluminous bags of douche of all-time, Curt Schilling, reliving his "bloody sock" game on his website. Big deal. Babe Didrikson Zaharias once completed an entire triathlon with a bloody tampon and completed the final running portion DESPITE SUFFERING FROM TSS. That takes balls. Or labe. Whatever. Fact is, if Curt Schilling somehow managed to pull out a decent pitching game with a tampon stuck in his ass, not only would we have to deal with iconic images of the string hanging out while he threw a splitter, but that tampon would also be residing in the fucking hall of fame right now and legions of Boston sports fans would jack themselves off while staring at their TAMP-ON A PRAYER posters and frothing at the mouth.

Anyway, I don't have a problem with Curt doing this or invoking how Jesus carried him towards this miraculous feat. I mean, his fucking sock was bleeding! But that doesn't mean I can't make fun of him on my website, as Curt Schilling certainly lays on the mound like a God-damn broad.

I knew I was going to start, but had no idea how I was going to pitch. The ankle, after having been sutured the night before, was holding up a lot better than we’d thought. I was surprised at the amount of bleeding that occurred overnight, and I am sure the maids were a bit worried when they changed my sheets that morning.

And the stage is set. Curt Schilling knew...he'd have to pitch while bleeding. Reminds me of the time Walt Disney bravely led a 1953 construction meeting while suffering from profuse ball-sweating.

I didn’t do anything really abnormal in the day leading up to the start. I did a few more windups in my hotel room than normal, to try and push it a bit to make sure it wasn’t going to pop.

As opposed to, what, amputating the foot? Way to keep a level head, Curt.

The thing I most vividly remember from the hours leading up to the start was hitting the top step in Yankee Stadium. When I went out to pitch Game 1, when I hit the top step to walk to the bullpen, my ankle buckled and the tendon popped out of place. That was the first time I knew I might have a problem.

I call no fucking way, Dr. Schilling. Can anyone with a medical degree from some Caribbean island set the record straight here? This is almost as crazy as the time I was folding laundry during an episode of Home Improvement and my dick fell off.

It was about the 50th time I had faced the Yankees that year, and I knew it would be the last, so I came out of my bullpen having done some things different. Whereas I usually made sure I had fastball command and my split, I worked my ass off in that pen to get a feel for my curveball and slider right off the bat since I wanted to use them for all nine innings, instead of here and there.

Good for you. Just putting this in to keep the story flowing.

In Game 6, there was no specific moment when I knew that I would make it through the game. After pitch one, I never really thought much on it. It held up I think because I never favored it, or at least never felt like I did. In watching some highlights I do notice I limped, but I never thought I was limping.

I didn't feel like I was limping, because I was always told that heroes don't limp. If I was limping, you can call that swagger. And as you'll see later, it can all be attributed to Christ, whom I believe actually gives a fuck about a baseball game while children in Guatemala are being raped by everything other than food and water. I'll call that "limp" my JESUS SWAGGER.

I only realized the ankle was bleeding for one reason. I received multiple Marcaine injections from April on, each start, and as the season wore on I started needing to get in-game injections as well. This game I needed to have it done again, and the Marcaine made the outer half of my foot numb (which was a whole other problem).

That's funny. We all realized that the ankle was bleeding BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING COVERED IN BLOOD. And who cares? Honestly, is bleeding such a difficult affliction to overcome? Does anybody ever call off of work because they are bleeding? Did Betsy Ross give up on sewing the flag because her old-timey wench girdle was covered in blood and she was out of Marcaine? I don't think so.

In doing so it made me feel as though my shoe wasn’t on right, so I kept pressing down on the bottom of my shoe to move my foot side to side to try and “feel” as if my foot was firmly in my shoe. That’s how I noticed, in about the fifth or sixth inning, that the sole of my shoe and my sock were soaked with blood. You ever walk in the rain in your socks? That’s how it felt. Problem was that it was cold out, too, so that made the blood cold and I could feel it on half my foot.

So you are comparing this heroic, iconic task to pitching with rain in your socks? "Honestly, have any of you laypeople, or should I say gaypeople, even completed the simplest task with RAIN WATER in your SOCKS?!?!? And if so, was it cold?" This is captivating. My attention has just been captured.

In looking back on it, the main thing I take away from that game was my mental ability to overcome anything. I got past the ankle pain and into a state of mind that had me completely focused on the game.

Oh, shut the fuck up. You're so damn special, Curt. You can pitch with rainwatery blood in your socks. Wow, what's next? What else can you overcome? Running out of gas 200 feet from a gas station? Blowing some dude in an alley in spite of a bad hair-day? I'm sure Jackie Robinson and Pete Gray would be amazed at your mental toughness. Curt Schilling can mentally overcome ANYTHING.

I probably did more damage to the ankle than I would have liked. When they opened my ankle up after the season they told me that my peroneal tendon, in addition to being dislocated, was split, lengthwise, for about five inches and wedged over the ankle bone. In a way that was a good thing because it sort of locked itself down.

Dr. Curt Schilling, M. fucking D.

I made it through seven innings, and when I was done, I sat on the bench. I’ve often talked about the spiritual experience that entire two-week period was, and after I came out of this game it really hit me hard.

Here's where we start getting entirely too gay for the average human being. The spirituality of the experienced? You pitched with a bloody ankle. Give me a fucking break. There was nothing spiritual about you overcoming your ankle injury and pitching in a playoff baseball game.

I had prayed hard, never once to “win” but just to be able to compete. I couldn’t do that in Game 1 because in a spiritual and physical sense I had tried to “go it alone.” Before Game 2 I had prayed with Mike Timlin and Tim Wakefield, and I prayed ONLY for the ability to compete. I prayed for that with the belief that with the eight guys playing behind me, and my ability to pitch, I could beat them on one foot if I could just compete.

"And, luckily for me, the Yankees apparently did not pray. In fact, they actually cursed the Lord and suggested that He go and fuck Himself, as they did not need Him to beat me in a game of baseball, as I just had a tendon sutured. Then they pulled their dicks out and pissed all over the rosary while reciting a satanic chant over a Three Six Mafia beat. 'Sippin' On Some Syrup', I believe. This whole time, I was praying with Mike Timlin that I could overcome my bleeding and just throw the ball. And for this I must thank Jesus Christ. Amen".

Looking back on it five years later, it was a much more meaningful event from a faith and spiritual standpoint than from a performance standpoint. I am proud of what we did that night, but I am far more excited about what I was able to experience in my relationship with Christ that night. I knew, postgame, when I started the press conference off by thanking the Lord and the entire media contingent rolled its eyes, how they were going to report it. Whatever they did, I knew they couldn’t come close to conveying what I had experienced.

That's because they think you are a douchebag who actually believes that pitching through an injury forged a stronger relationship with Christ. There are worse things going on in the world, Curt. You pitched through this injury because it was not like career threatening and you could handle the pain. Not because Christ came down and touched your ankle in-between sending devastating tidal waves to Indonesia and Bangladesh. I'm actually more impressed that you were able to pitch with all of the thorns on your hat.

My lasting memory of that game — more than anything that happened while I was on the mound — is of Keith Foulke. Every memory I have of that postseason has Keith in it. He pitched every stinking game and dominated, on fumes.

Even though he wasn't praying with you?

Christ works in mysterious ways.

I'm slacking

2009-10-20T12:21:00.000-07:00

Fall's a busy time of year for Vern, what with all of the traveling I usually end up doing along with a barrage of work recently. That and I've been a bit drained creatively.

But, I do plan on getting it together at some point in the near future. Maybe Vince Young will start a game or something and I'll have something to write about.

Ballin'!

Willie Parker is pissed

2009-10-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, this isn't me. I didn't write it. I just read it. On a message board. A message board that Willie Parker posts on, apparently. Let's see what he's got to say, and oh how eloquently does he say it indeed:

-----------------------------------------------

Yes…I read this board. What can I say…your hatred fuels me.

So, with Rashard looking like he’s finally ready to take the reins (that’s the guy you’ve been bashing for over a year for being a bust) it appears to look more and more likely that this will be my final season in Pittsburgh. My enjoyment watching him run the other night was only eclipsed by my enjoyment of reading how many less rushing yards we would have had if I had been the tailback. My 25 for 146 and 2 TDs against the same team in a PLAYOFF GAME only 8 months ago appreciates the feedback.

I’d also like to politely request that you go fuck yourselves. I grew up chasing pit bulls and still haven’t really gotten any sort of grasp on the English language and yet every time I come here I walk away feeling like a god damn Rhodes Scholar. While the level of mass retardation never ceases to amaze me, what really takes the cake is the way the sheep always flock towards the biggest fucking idiots.

“Hey that retarded pothead who thinks Ben’s YPA needs to drop for him to get better really knows his shit.”

“A dumb redneck troll who thinks we’re all gonna be standing in soup lines in 6 months? Sign me up for his newsletter!!!”

“Some guy that doesn’t think I tried hard enough in college? PREACH ON BROTHER!!”

“That dickhead that doesn’t like me because we traded up for Holmes when we could have moved up just two more spots for Laurence Maroney? ONE OF THE GREATEST THINKERS OF HIS TIME!!!”

“Some old Yinzer that’s petrified of letting go of the 70s so he dances around his house naked every Sunday morning listening to Jimmy Pol records while cooking up his brats and chilling his Ahns? CAN YOU SAY EINSTEIN!!!!”

You. Fucking. Sheep.

Look mother fuckers…I always had a small window. We all knew it. I was already pushing 25 and not necessarily a big man when I took over the starting position and this is a league where most tailbacks don’t keep producing at the same level past 28-30. What I don’t understand is where the fuck all this disdain comes from? All of a sudden, I’m Amos fucking Zeroue? All of a sudden…I’m the fucking problem? Are you people insane? Let’s review.

In the 2005 preseason we lose both JB and Staley to injury and everyone starts to panic. I proceed to take the reins and play so well that it becomes clear nobody will be getting them back. As the season goes on, all the criticism builds up…

“He doesn’t break arm tackles.”

“He doesn’t have vision.”

“He runs into his blockers.”

And the most retarded of them all…

“HE PADS HIS STATS WITH LONG RUNS!!!”

HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE!!! Let me take this opportunity to apologize for all those long TD runs. I realize that you were used to your tailbacks running right where the play is and falling forward for a yard. Those long runs never did this team any good did they? I remember one long run I had (hang on a second…I just thought of another criticism)

“WE’LL NEVER WIN A SUPER BOWL WITH WILLIE PARKER AS OUR STARTING TAILBACK!!!!”

Fast forward to February of 06 motherfuckers! Some call it the longest TD run in Super Bowl history. Some call it the game winning TD of Super bowl XL. Some call it the play that Jerome somehow managed to execute from the sidelines (seriously). Most of you fucking scumbags simply refer to it as the most bittersweet play you’ve ever seen. As those dreaded long runs piled up and even won us a Super Bowl, it became painfully obvious that I was going to become the player that proved more than anything that you’re a bunch of charlatans who couldn’t even begin to know how this team operates. Oh but there’s more…

“He got so much help from Jerome. Jerome absorbed all the big hits. He’ll never be able to carry the rock for an entire season.”

2006-07 Pittsburgh 16 337 1494 93.4 4.4 13 31 222 13.9 7.2 25 8.4 12 3

Yes, that’s 337 carries. Blow me. Wrong again.

Let’s see, I also broke the Steelers single game rushing record twice that season and both times were in 3 quarters. There’s a really good chance I could have the all-time single game rushing record. That would have sucked for you, huh?

Remember when I beat the Saints almost by myself? It was a great day. It got better when I came on here and read about how Maurice Jones Drew had like 140 yards rushing today and we should have drafted him instead of Santonio too!

I was named team MVP that season and it was a rough one that was marred by turnovers but I had put up the type of numbers that reflect those of a league MVP and finally that was enough, right? I was finally going to be accepted as a true Steeler? No fucking way.

You see…you retards still had more things to say. Winning a Super Bowl wasn’t enough. Becoming a big time Pro Bowl tailback wasn’t enough. There was more!!!

“Sure, Willie produces but it’s not on talent…he just has a lot of heart.”

Oh once again…I’m sooo sorry. I had no idea that there was a certain way I was supposed to produce. I didn’t know that getting 1500 yard, 16 TD season behind one of the worst lines in the league also required me to produce with talent instead of heart. I now realize that after every run, it’s assessed upon whether the yards were gained by talent or by heart and if it’s deemed to be talent, they actually give you 3 bonus yards on the spot!

Seriously, this is the type of retardation that you fucking sheep buy right into. Kill yourselves now.

Any more myths you people invented that I have to prove wrong?

“Teams don’t game plan to stop Willie Parker.”

Ah, of course. Why would a team try to stop me instead of just letting me run wild? Are they not afraid of “heart yards”? When I see all those 8 man fronts and continually get pounded in the back field on run blitzes, is it because they’re protecting the fucking pass?

I seem to remember a Monday night at Heinz field where the Rats had held me in check to the tune of about 50 yards rushing. They were all over my shit that night. Something else happened that night though…AERIAL CIRCUS. Ben threw 5 TDs in the first half alone on the way to us completely routing our hated rivals. Let’s go to the losers locker room…

Losers: “WILLIE PARKER, WILLIE PARKER, WILLIE PARKER!!!”

Let’s see, our biggest rival just got their asses whupped on national TV and all they want to do is brag about how they held me in check? Really? That was the big ass pink elephant in the room that nobody wanted to talk about because once again, it proved that y’all have your heads so far up your collective asses you need a crowbar to get them out!

Holy shit.

Let’s see...what else?

“Willie just pads his stats against bad teams and does nothing against good teams.”

I always thought this was an odd criticism coming from people that hated me simply because they loved Jerome and I’m so opposite from him right down to that whole pesky “winning Super Bowls” thing.

Furthermore, it wasn’t only me and Jerome. It’s every tailback in the NFL!!! Good teams are better at stopping the run? NO SHIT!!! In week one, after us winning the first game of our title defense this year, we got a thread to celebrate the accomplishments of Adrian Peterson for having a big day against CLEVELAND!!! I ONCE GOT 236 YARDS AGAINST CLEVELAND IN 3 FUCKING QUARTERS AND IT WAS…

“Well yeah…what do you expect…it’s fucking Cleveland.”

Where’s the fucking thread about how bad AP sucks because he only had 55 yards against the Packers last night? Wait what’s that…the Packers were trying to take him out of the game and that’s why Favre went off? OTHER TEAMS TRY??? YOU MUST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

After I had torched Jacksonville and New England in consecutive weeks to the tune of about 6.5 per carry, where were the threads about how great I am against good teams.

Pink. Elephant.

Hypocrites.

With just a couple of games to go in that season I was leading the entire NFL in rushing heading into a game on turf against the lowly Rams and in excellent shape to win the rushing title and put up a 15-1600 yard season. I’m sure most of you scumbags took a big sigh of relief when I broke my leg on the second play because not only does me winning a rushing title further prove that you’re completely fucking retarded, it also presented a chance for you to prove one more criticism…

“Willie is not integral to the success of this team.”

Yeah, because Jackson, Faneca, Dawson, Stai, and Strelczyk had been dominating for me all season, right? Fuck you. Seriously…fuck you.

Well Najeh had himself a decent game and we did go on to predictably crush one of the worst teams in the league that night but then it became more than that. It wasn’t…”OH NO…WE’RE FUCKED GOING INTO THE PLAYOFFS WITHOUT OUR PROBOWL TAILBACK!!!” It was…

“Did our offense get better after Willie suffered that horrific injury?”

Yup…it was time to jump on that bandwagon. You finally got rid of me and it was time to prove that even though you’d been completely wrong about me in every way, shape, and form for three fucking years…this was your chance at redemption. We were gonna go make a run at this without old FWP in the backfield and show everyone how little he meant to this team.

We were slated to face the Jags and the Pats**…the two teams I had torched just a few weeks prior. Well we didn’t get to the Pats** and we lost to the Jags because of three first half INTs and no running game whatsoever. Did you wonder what would have happened if 39 didn’t break his leg mother fuckers! Did you wonder where some of that Jags pass D would have been if they had to worry about the league rushing title winner? Did it make you wonder? No, it was just “Ben sucks.” More of those pesky pink elephants.

Charlatans. Retards. Hypocrites. Sheep.

Now, I really don’t want to say the wrong thing here or mislead you in anyway so if you’ve read anything, please read this…

Fuck you, StillerNation. I hope you get AIDS. You actually have the audacity to bash me now and compare to Amos Zeroue? You’re actually apologizing to people because you now realize that I suck? I fucking worked my ass off for this organanization! Do you really think pro bowl tail backs just fall in people’s laps like this? Most teams actually have to use high draft picks to get us! I gave you the luxury of not having to worry about that position for three years at a ridiculously cheap rate (about 2% of the cap) and the luxury to draft players like Holmes, Timmons, and Woodley where you may have done something retarded like pulled the trigger on Laurence effin’ Maroney!!! I showed up in shape every season. I worked to get better every season and I produced behind one of the most mediocre lines in the NFL. I am so sorry!!! I’m sorry that I held you back from winning Super Bowls too! I mean, after a 26 year drought, we really should have won 4 in 4 years instead of just two. That’s my fault.

Charlatans. Retards. Hypocrites. Sheep.

You’re an embarrassment to Steeler fans. I was told this fan base prided itself on being knowledgeable. Then I came along and proved how full of shit you really are. Go ahead…pound your chests. Tell everyone how you told them so. I don’t give a shit anymore.

You’re a pathetic, sad, little bunch of weasels. I’m gonna hold my head high and be proud to say I was a Pittsburgh Steeler when I leave this organization. I would have liked to have been more appreciated but we all can’t be beloved, I suppose.

Fuck You,

Fast Willie Parker

-------------------------------------------

Yes, so Willie Parker is pissed not at his situation, or that Mendenhall has finally burst onto the scene, no....he's pissed that the Yinzers are writing him off already. One game and Willie's officially an afterthought.

Well, from reading those words...I wouldn't count Willie out just yet. This may be his last season here, and he may have come down a notch or two from his 2006-2007 form, but Willie is fired up. WILLIE IS READY TO RUN. You know, after that toe heals, of course. So, you saw it straight from the source...Willie's gonna have some big games yet in this season.

Mainly, I just thought this was the perfect ode to Fast Willie Parker if this is indeed his last season here and I gots nothin', so I'm gonna roll with this. Steve Winwood-style. The real author is "Art Vandelay" at Airing of Grievances (www.aofg.blogs.com). Funny that I put someone's name in parentheses, eh "Vern"?

Let's give Tebow's dick some time to recover

2009-09-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

Floridians, thank you for giving me your attention in this time of statewide crisis. As many of you know, Tim Tebow, a veritable ambassador for our state and outstanding young man, a follower of Christ, and Crist...Mr. Tebow sustained a concussion following a brutal hit in the Florida-Kentucky game on Saturday and was forced to leave the game and receive treatment at a local hospital. Mr. Tebow will be required to miss some action here in the greater interests of himself and his career and in turn, in the greater interests of us as his fans and supporters and, more importantly, as his neighbors and fellow Floridians.

But, I implore you...please give his dick some time to recover.

Please, hear me out. You as my constituents surely know that I would love nothing more than to be blowing Tim Tebow right now on the 50-yard line of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium while the Florida band plays a rousing rendition of Howard Jones' "Everlasting Love" behind me and Urban Meyer personally barks out motivational nothings into my ear. You all know I would clean that dick like I was a Cuban maid five minutes removed from the Mariel Boatlift. I would leave that dick looking more exhausted than a post-40 yard dash Andre Smith. However, I'm going to have to wait for my opportunity, as allowing Mr. Tebow to recover must take precedent over orally relieving him of his future progeny.

And as such, Floridians, as much as you would like to get in there and treat that dick like it stole something, you must also allow Mr. Tebow to recuperate fully from his injuries. Please, give the young man a week or two. Feel free to compose an email or letter offering him your prayers and your encouragement and anything you can do to lift his spirits. However, you must allow that young, virile Heisman-winning cock of his the time it takes to get back to the level of performance that it is used to and frankly, a level that will be acceptable to a young man of Mr. Tebow's standing and stature.

I can assure you, my friends, that when the time is right and the requisite healing period has commenced, I will be the first one to head down to Gainesville and suck Tim Tebow's dick harder than Peter King does in his wildest dreams. I will blow him like our statewide economy depends on it. Like Lincoln would have done had Tebow's seed been capable of ending the Civil War, or like Jodie Sweetin would have done had Tebow ejaculated pure crystal meth. And at that point I would love nothing more than for my fellow Floridians to follow behind me with the intention of showing Tebow their own personal brand of rodeo. But until then, we must allow Mr. Tebow and his dick the one thing they require at this point...time.

Thank you for listening, Florida.

BAN THIS COMMERCIAL

2009-09-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

While watching the Bengals finally hoard all of the disrespect that I had been heaping at them and turn it into motivation fuel, I saw that damn Adrian Peterson lizard commercial and snapped. I had had enough.

He's running through the snow, playing a successful game, diving into the endzone, just generally being awesome. And then he goes to the locker room and we see that he's a lizard.

A FUCKING COLD-BLOODED, I-SHOULDN'T-BE-EXPOSED-TO-THE-SNOW-LIKE-THIS-BECAUSE-I'M-PROBABLY-GOING-TO-DIE LIZARD.

I've heard one defense that he may have sufficient body mass to survive the conditions, however, I don't buy that he should survive and still be awesome in the snow. He should be sucking balls and repeatedly curling up somewhere on the sidelines, unexposed to the wind or even inside the locker room. One place he should not be is in the endzone at the end of the game. There is no excuse for that defense to not stop a rapidly-cooling, about to die lizard. Embarrassing.

There's only one thing that would convince me to allow this commercial to remain on the air:

Disrespecting the Bengals

2009-09-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

Uh oh, it's Bengals week! The Bengals! The gayest cats in the NFL, at least until 2012's expansion "Los Angeles Longhaired Tabbies"!

I forgot to disrespect the Bears last week, and look what happened. Jeff Reed shanked some kicks, Santonio Holmes dropped some passes, and James Harrison did not kill one single Asian family with his bare hands. Well, I'm not gonna make that mistake again. Fuck you, the Bengals. The trendy upset pick. But why? Because they almost beat a shoddy-looking Denver team? Because they did everything they could to lose to the Packers before getting saved by a false start penalty? The same Packers that were 8-8 last year and only beat Chicago by 1 IN SPITE OF GETTING FOUR INTERCEPTIONS!?!?!? Fuck that. Steelers beat these homos by 30.

But, just to try and keep it close, I'm going to throw out some stuff for the Bengal DISRESPECT BOARD!

Carson Palmer, you fucking idiot. Did you actually think this ad was going to just kind of slide by unnoticed? Whatever. It would have gotten even more play if you didn't start to suck immediately following Kemo ruining your knee back in aught six. Poor Carson. You could have been somebody! That could have been your Super Bowl! But, no, it's not, and you are relegated for playing a revamped, law-abiding team that chemistry-ed their way to a 4-12 season last year. But hey, bang-up job to start this season. 4 picks already. Looks like you are playing the role of the wise, wily veteran. Ike Taylor's open. Fuck. He dropped it. Try again.

Ochocinco. Where to start. You couldn't even change your name correctly! I hope you respond to this via Twitter. And I hope that when you say you are "Twittering" that it doesn't have anything to do with 12-year old girls, although that's suspect. Anyway, huge 55 catch season last year. You're still a huge weapon. Averaging like 8 yards a game career against Pittsburgh. You beat a horse in a race but had about a 100-yard head start. Who would be proud of that? "Hey, I just beat Carson Palmer in a race jacking off dudes, and he only spotted me 10 dicks!". Wow. Congrats. You're Ochocinco.

Keith Rivers! I bet your jaw is still too sore to blow Hines Ward, but unfortunately I don't believe you'll have a choice. It was nice of your fellow linebackers to stand up for you, though. They are still coming to get you, Hines! Watch out! At least you'll have some help from an old teammate...

Rey Maualuga! I'm sorry, Rey, but no one is asking about your hair with their eyes. I'm sure you wash and conidition, though. I wouldn't ever doubt that and I'm sorry if I insinuated as much. Whatever. Who cares about Rey Maualuga?

Marvin Motherfucking Lewis. The general. The warden, as he's been called. Because Bengals in jail! jokes are funny. They are the new Bengals really suck at football! jokes. However, both are applicable now. You must be really proud, Marvin. You defensive guru, you. Anybody could be a defensive guru coming from Baltimore. However, your defense continues to consistently suck, to the point where holding Green Bay to 28 marks like a renaissance year or something like that. That's not good. The defense is not "back". Antwan Odom had 5 sacks because nobody touched him. He's like a bargain-bin Joey Porter. Those two would wreak some serious havoc together, provided nobody touches either of them. Fuck you.

Fuck you all, The Bengals. You suck, you have sucked, and you always will suck. On the field, in the shower, everywhere. Homos.

Why Richard Wight Hates the Pittsburgh Steelers

2009-09-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

Hey, Hines. What's up.

Ok, so this guy, this Richard Wight, he hates them Stillers. And yinz know that it's ok to hate them Stillers, but if you do and you type it out, it's my right as a God damn 'Merican to rain down on your ass with some words of my own, possibly insinuating that you like the taste of penises and that your family operates a Rimjob kiosk in East Liberty.

Let's go.

Over the last year or so, I have really developed an interest in the whole sports writing/blogging thing. I have tried to express my opinions in a professional manner in an attempt to build journalistic integrity.

I haven't noticed, because I don't waste my time at bleacherreport.com, but I'm sure that if I had I would have marveled at the way you've come out of your shell as an incoherent cactusfucker and developed into a cactusfucker with a solid grasp of the ways of journalism. I guess either way you really enjoy fucking a nice cactus.

However, for this post, forget all that stuff.

Oh, snap. Richard is getting sandlot on us.

Nobody is forcing you to read this. Consider yourself warned.

Hate this stupid school of thought. "Don't tell me how wrong I am, you didn't HAVE to read it and yet you did". That's great, Richard. I watched some millipedes fuck each other one time in the woods when I didn't have to. That didn't mean it was insightful. Hey guys, there's a picture of my cock next. You've been warned! Don't criticize it, you took the time to look at it!

Oh yeah. The Steelers. Carry on.

I don't like the Cleveland Browns, but at least I can be cordial if I see someone in a Brady Quinn jersey. We can exchange friendly barbs while maintaining our civility. I don't know, maybe I feel sorry for a grown man that barks like a dog when his team scores a touchdown.

That's probably because if you met a grown man in a Brady Quinn jersey, you are likely co-workers at the same dive bar glory hole. Whenever Richard Wight's team scores a touchdown he responds by reading a chapter of The Grapes of Wrath aloud to underprivileged 5th graders.

I hate the pittsburgh steelers. I can't even bring myself to capitalize the name. Why, you ask? Here are a few reasons...

Honestly, at this point I don't want to know why you hate the Steelers. I want to know why you don't capitalize the name. Did Mike Webster rape your dad?

History
Do you realize that the steelers did not win a playoff game until 1972? That is kind of ironic, considering they were founded in 1933. The irony comes in the fact that they began winning when the "juice" started flowing.

My grandfather is PISSED that you would diss his beloved 1946 Steelers.

As an aside, there is nothing ironic about that. That is one of the worst uses of irony I've ever heard. It would be ironic if they were named the Pittsburgh Guys Who Win All The Time And Don't Need Steroids To Do It. Then it would be irony. And...fuck the steroids argument. Everyone was doing steroids then. They are still doing steroids. You know less about steroids than you do about irony, and that's saying something.

If you don't think the steelers were using steroids, take that stupid yellow towel and wipe the crap out of your eyes. The number of ex-steelers to die in the last 10 years is remarkable. Many of those have been players from the 1970s with heart problems. Coincidence? I think not.

Well, focus on them, Richard. If you want to blame steroids for Justin Strelzyk driving into an oncoming tanker truck and for a tree falling on Steve Courson, then I'm going to blame the ongoing G20 protests on you molesting your daughter.

The Terrible Towel
Speaking of that stupid yellow towel, is that the best you fools could come up with? Seriously? If you are a man with a job and family who somehow convinced a blind woman to marry you, why do you spend your Sunday waving a snot rag over your head?

I don't get it. You have a job, so you can't wave your flag? Is it supposed to be out of respect for your blind wife? I can't figure it out. Don't Packers fans wear cheese on their heads? Raiders fans wear spiked shoulder pads? Vikings fans dress like actual vikings? I believe that when the Jaguars score more than 28 points in a game, a live jaguar is circumcised at midfield by Jack Del Rio.

A lady (sort of) that sits near me at work has one of those rags hanging in her cube. When I hit the lottery and tell them all to "take this job and shove it," I swear I am going to blow my nose in that stupid thing on way out the door.

It costs $2.99. What is your job that you can't afford $2.99 without winning the lottery? Do you work in Bangladesh? Now I see why you hate the Steelers. You must sew their jerseys!

The Players
Ben Worthlessbooger is the most overrated player in the league. He is ugly and I hate him. I thought his looks would improve after smashing his face in the motorcycle accident. Nope.

No, he isn't. Love the nickname, though. It's clever. Especially coming from a guy who's phonebook listing would be "Wight, Dick".

I know he has denied the allegations of rape, but I seriously question the thought of any semi-intelligent woman with a decent set of spectacles would want to do the horizontal mambo with him.

Probably one that needs $2.99 for a terrible towel.

Everyone knows that Troy Polamalu looks like Michael Jackson. You know, like a woman. After seeing the stupid shampoo commercial, I now know that he sounds like MJ too. You know, like a woman. I hate him.

Seems to me like you hate women. You may want to get some counseling about that.

I hate Hines Ward. He cries about everything. He is not a good receiver. He is an idiot. I hate him. I would like nothing better than to see Rey Maualuga knock that disgusting smile from his face.

Yeah, because we sure as fuck know that Keith Rivers ain't gonna do it.

I don't want to see anyone get hurt, but I wouldn't lose any sleep if he got his ugly face rearranged on Sunday.

Right, because you don't like, actually know him or anything.

The Hit
I am not talking about a clean, hard hit on the field. I am talking about the mafia-style hit that allowed these jerks to beat the Bengals in 2005. When Kimo Von Imafatpieceofcrap rolled into Carson Palmer's knee, my hatred of this disgusting franchise grew to a new level.

Seriously? Kimo Von Imafatpieceofcrap? Humor is embarrassed right now and it's threatening to leave. I'm trying to console it. I'm trying to tell it that there aren't that many people like you out there and that it shouldn't get all bent out of shape when one person disrespects it like that. It's not listening and it just left. Damn it, Richard. Do you see what you are doing?!?!?!

The Fans
Like I said before, most NFL fans can poke fun at each other at a sports bar and still have a good time. If these idiots are able to actually spit out a coherent thought, it most likely has something to do with the "one for the thumb" phrase they use every five seconds while waving that ridiculous yellow rag.

Hey idiot, one for the thumb was like, 4 years ago. But way to use the "omg Pittsburghers are so dumb!" angle. Clever. Fresh. SOOTHING. If humor were a yeast infection, Richard Wight would be like a 55-gallon drum of Vagisil.

After they put down there thumb and use their sleeve to wipe the hot sauce off of their face, the corresponding index finger is usually inserted into their nose. They don't wash their hands after they pee either.

HAHA they pick their nose all the time and then they touch their dicks and don't wash it off SO THEIR HANDS ARE ALWAYS COVERED IN PISS AND DICKS HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

They are the most vile people on the face of the earth. I hate them.

Take that, Sudanese refugees! Fuck Darfur. Ain't got nothin' on Steeler fans!

Besides, they don't even have any cheerleaders. Any woman that would shake her tookus for that team could probably start on the offensive line.

At least he realizes that the offensive line needs some help. Richard's idea of a hot woman lives in Cincinnati, so I'd take this sentence with a grain of retard.

I hate them.

Yeah, now let me hit some of that meth. WHO DEY?!?!?!