I died of AIDS yesterday

LOLOLOLOL April Fool's

The Pope is out of his mind

Ok. I've been busy and lazy and all that over the past week, but I'm not dead. Yet. Should probably be in jail after this past weekend, but that is not a story for the internets.

Anyway, on Friday I was alerted to the fact that the Pope has found a surefire solution to the AIDS crisis in Africa. Hallelujah, right? Score one for organized religion! Giving back to the world. I like it. Religion is doing it's part to fit in with society and offer some benefits. The Pope even offered his complete plan for AIDS-prevention.

Placing a Bible above your erect penis before intercourse.

No. Seriously. Take your pants off, grab a Bible, and hold it there. It will scare the AIDS away.

The Pope seriously just went to Africa and TOLD THEM TO PUT FUCKING BIBLES OVER THEIR PENISES BEFORE THEY FUCK EACH OTHER. Has he lost his damn mind? Has Catholicism actually come to this? Holy mother of God. Jesus Christ himself is probably flipping out and going into full PR-control mode. The Church's anti-condom crusade has reached a new apex of abject stupidity. This man should be arrested. And at the same time, I can't stop rofl-ing about it.

But....I mean, come on. There are people in the world who really believe what the Pope has to say on these subjects. What if some of these people do, too? Two out of every one adults in Africa has some form of the HIV, and now they might run around putting Bibles over their cocks in lieu of condoms. This is great. Go, The Church. But mainly, I just want this to catch on.

Because I want to try it.

Next chick that succumbs to my irresistible charm is getting Bible-dicked. Oh yeah. She's going to be like, "do you have a condom?", and I'm gonna be like, "condoms don't work...but I have the only thing that does...I have to protect myself from your AIDS", and then I'm going to grab a Bible. I'm going to place the Bible over my erect penis and I'm going to allow the AIDS-prevention formula to run it's course. Then I'm going to put the Bible down and see if she still wants to go. I have a feeling I already know the answer.

The article covers this much better than I can. Do yourselves a favor and read it. Wow.

I just hope this isn't a hoax. Pleeeeeease don't be a hoax, Bible-penis story...


EDIT: It's got to be. I can't find a Dr. Emma Bradford or an article other than a reprinted version of this Onion-style article. Sucks. This would have been awesome.

GAY CHAMPIONS: Greg Louganis

First in the series of GAY CHAMPIONS, in honor of the Beijing Olympic games and an ode to gay champions of our past, Greg Louganis...a man who could make you gay just by staring deeply into your eyes.

And let's face it, being notably gay in an event as gay as diving is in accomplishment in itself. That means that Louganis was even gayer than you originally would have thought, out there flipping and twisting and diving into pools of rainbow sherbet and into the hearts of millions. But not only was Louganis gay...he was also a champion.

Greg was originally favored to win two golds in the 1980 Moscow Olympics, however, as soviet Russia was locked in a painfully uneventful Cold War with the United States, we boycotted these Olympics and denied the then 20-year old Louganis a shot as his dreams. Or, at least, I'm assuming those were his dreams, since he was gay and...well, you know, all gays dream about winning Olympic gold in the springboard. A lesser gay would have resigned himself to giving handjobs in back alleys between tears, but not Louganis. Louganis came back stronger than ever in L.A. in 1984 and won two gold medals, setting records for both total points and margin of victory. Greg Louganis became a GAY CHAMPION.

In 1988 in Seoul, Louganis again came in poised to take the gold medals that were rightfully his. Unfortunately, he slipped and hit his head off of the diving board in the prelims, giving himself a concussion and getting his blood all over the diving board, which would later turn into gay controversy in itself. And Louganis, ever the gay competitor, did anything but quit. He came back strong, finished the prelims, made the finals, and repeated the SAME EXACT DIVE to take home the gold. Champion.

The controversy I speak of was the revelation by Louganis in 1994 that he was gay and had the HIV, and that everybody else on the board had to step on his AIDS-blood. He was then criticized by the director of the US Olympic Committee, Harevy Schiller, obviously an expert at the forefront of the HIV research movement. Louganis, unfortunately, couldn't hear Schiller due to all of the gold medals in his ears. Most of Louganis' corporate sponsors, not looking to sponsor AIDS, dropped his endorsements. Speedo, however, stood by his side...of course, if Speedo was worried about being associated with gayness, well, they lost that battle a looooooong time ago.

In spite of the obstacles he faced, and the fallout he endured when he spoke of his HIV-ness, Greg Louganis persevered through it all and became what most gays can only dream about becoming...a GAY CHAMPION.

25 catchiest songs of all time, according to Vern in 2003

Back when I was in college, it was a pretty relative consensus that I had one of the most happenin' AIM profiles around. In a school of 2,000, this wasn't necessarily a huge accomplishment, likely on par with being the best competitive eater in Harare, but I happily took it then, and I'd happily take it now.

Anyway, I was just moving some files around on my computer and deleting some old unnecessary ones when I came across a word file that took me right back in the day, just like a DeLorean. One day, I weirdly decided to eschew clever lines about breaking more hymens than gymnastics in favor of a random list of the 25 catchiest songs of all time, according to me at the time and pooling from the MP3 files that I had stolen off of the internet to date and currently had on my computer, next to the essay documents and horse-porn. Well, I might as well go into my mind and see exactly what I was thinking back in the day.

25. Blue - Eiffel 65

I'm blue, dabi di dabi di. Yeah, it might be gay, but this is a list of the catchiest songs of all-time, and if you didn't know the formula, you have to multiply by the square root of gay to get the final catchiness value. And hey, this fucking song is catchy. However, the fact that it would make you want to shoot yourself in the head for being subjected to it really hurts in the end and leads to it's ranking in the 25th spot. However, 5 years later, I'm ok with having it at the end of the list. If you want to comment on how ridiculous this is...well, save your breath, because you'll have so much more to add by the end that you'll forget about this one.

24. The Clash - Rock the Casbah

OMG, a decent song on the list! Shareeeeeeef Abdur-Rahim don't like it...how can anyone be against this one? You can't, unless you hate Arabs. Hopefully the people in Kansas are too busy laying on the cornfields like broads to have time to read this.

23. Jimmy Buffet - Piña Coladas

What the f was I thinking here? The song is fine, but Jimmy Buffet doesn't even sing this. It's Rupert Holmes, who I believe has come out as gay, meaning he was talking to a dude about getting fruity drinks, so I guess it makes sense. Guess they met at the Julius Bar for a Sip-In.

22. Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time

I think the fact that Cyndi Lauper sings this song like she is being forcefully penetrated by a confused deer is what really gives this song the extra "it" that pushes it onto the list. Hey, weird semi-pun! Anyway, you ask, what "is" "it"? Well, I'm sorry, but you are going to have to ask Bill Clinton's legal team for that one. All I know is that Cyndi Lauper was doing something unnatural when she recorded this song and I commend her for pushing the boundaries of conceivable human behavior, or something that. I really need to avoid using grown-up words, because I have no idea what I just said. Kind of Alberto Gonzales.

21. Billy Joel - Still Rock and Roll to Me

Ok, first "what the hell were you thinking, 19-year old Newman?" of the list, as this isn't even in Billy Joel's top 5 catchiest songs of all time, let alone the top-25 list of everyone else who ever recorded sound in history. I couldn't go with the heart attack-ak-ak-ak-ak song? Or even Zanzibar? I want to go back in time and give myself Rush Limbaugh's ear disease.

20. En Vogue - What's It Gonna Be

Eh. I don't think this one is particularly catchy today. I mean, it's not bad, but I don't think I'd put it on a top-25 list today. The main reason? BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WASTE THE DAMN TIME TO MAKE A STUPID LIST LIKE THIS NOWADAYS. Man, I long for the days when my only responsibility was to read 8 pages on electromagnetic fields and show up to the lab at 4:30.

19. Will Smith - Will2K

Kind of cheating, since it samples Rock the Casbah for the music. And by samples, I mean reuses almost completely identically. But it has Big Will! And K-Ci from K-Ci and JoJo! They did a song with Tupac! Then Tupac died! Who's the next gangsterest gangster? That's right. The Fresh Prince. The Willenium is here. And we gonna party like it's nineteen...hold up, it is!

18. Luscious Jackson - Naked Eye

Was I serious? I guess. Let me cue this up in WinAmp.

Hey, not bad! That's pretty catchy! Oh, wait, she started singing the verses. Sorry, Luscious, but you just kind of ruined it. I'm not really critiquing lyrical content here, as my first song pretty much revolves around everything being blue, but at least they weren't serious, I hope. These chicks probably were. With my naked eye, I saw all the falling rain...falling down on me. Uhhh....yeah, kind of monotonous and, well, I mean, most people can see and feel rain, and...I need to stop thinking too hard or I'm going to have an aneurysm. Unfortunately, this list was before Laura Branigan did the same, so she didn't make it.

17. Geggy Tah - Whoever You Are

You know, thank you for letting me switch lanes while I drove my Volkswagen in a commercial. I think the stupidity and annoyingness of this song makes it catchy, as it gets stuck deep in your head just like that bathroom scene from Scary Movie. Still, I don't think that it should count, so once I retire from my job as a lumberjack and have some extra time on my hands, this isn't going to make my futurelist.

16. Go-Go's - Our Lips Are Sealed

Eh. I mean, it's kind of catchy. But I think I was stretching for filler here. Hmmm. Awkward sentence. For some reason, though, I know this song was from the era in which my parents were pretty much my age now. And it's really the only song I associate with that fact. I'm a strange person.

15. Presidents of the USA - Peaches

No. GET THE FUCK OFF OF MY LIST. What was I thinking here? This song is just gay. Energetic gay. Like headbanging while trying not to spill your appletini all over your Crocs. The inclusion of this song leads me to believe that I took one too many team showers after football practice. Golden showers! LOL! Just getting that out of the way. Remember that when you see it as the final scene when they make a gay version of Eight Mile.

14. Nick Cannon - Gigolo

This one was a topical pick. It faded quicker than Ed O'Bannon, but at the time, it got caught in everyone's head. R. Kelly really did his thing here, right before his thing was urinating on 14-year old girls. It won't make my 2040 list.

13. Soft Cell - Tainted Love

Ok, there's a winner. No qualms with this one. I'm going to send an email to my old college address to let me know that I approve of this choice. But only after I fight my way out of this straitjacket.

12. R. Kelly - Ignition (Remix)

Another topical pick, another score for Kels. Fitting that he got numbers 12 and 14. Insert Bill Simmons blackjack joke! Insert LOL! Pull trigger, kill self! Whoops, forgot a suicide note. If I would have remembered to write one, I'd note that I wouldn't include this one on the list anymore.

11. Annie Lennox - Walking on Broken Glass

Do do do do do do....ohhhhh. Ohhhhh. My. Deity of your choice. This is another gay, gay choice, which is impressive with something that pretty much is soaking in conceptual gayness right from the start. No offense to Annie Lennox, but...I think she may have came to Melissa Etheridge's window. I'm guessing that's where all of the broken glass came from, but I hope that she was careful, because open wounds are the last thing you need while you have unprotected gay sex. Just bring Rock Hudson back to life and ask him.

10. Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love

I think this was right before Robert Palmer's tragic death, which may have made this the last accolade that he received, and really, the best way a musician can go. He was on the minds of tens of people. As to the song? I don't really think it's exceedingly catchy. So it would get scratched from my new list. RIP, you superstar, you. I hope they have obnoxious guitar riffs in pop-rock heaven.

9. Avant - Flickin'

Flickin' accompanied us on our 19-year old idiots trip to Canada in June of 2003, and I was immediately convinced of its superior catchiness as we had to play this damn song over and over again. And no one was complaining. However, about 6 months to a year later, the novelty began to wore off, and I'm sad to say that Avant would not get his catchy jam on my current list. Likely replacements include Nik Kershaw's "Wouldn't It Be Nice", Howard Jones' "Things Can Only Get Better", and stabbing myself in the face with Chyna's tampons.

8. Hall and Oates - Your Kiss is On My List

Apparently my list was...wow. I think leather assless chaps were on it. Are more gay jokes ok? I guess so, you know. If you make your bed, you have to sleep in it. Probably with another dude. HA! I know, the blind ghost of Helen Keller saw that one coming. I really don't care. There is no excuse for this song to be on this list, and I have since attached the Melissa virus to the email that I am going to send to my 2003 account.

7. Huey Lewis - If This Is It

If I had made this list four years earlier than I originally did, this may have been number one. This song used to be like crack to the retarded part of my brain that gets songs stuck in it, leading me to believe that Ronald Reagan financed Huey Lewis when he created it. Now? Eh. I've illegally downloaded catchier tunes, however, it may make my current list as the token Huey Lewis song. This hurts my fingers to continue typing. They feel like Rulon Gardner's toes.

6. Bill Medley, Jennifer Warnes - Time of My Life

Hmmm. Is it gay if you pretend it's a chick? Seriously. Anymore songs like this and I may need to know. And yet, anytime this song is played, I loudly sing along as much as I can. Of course, I don't think it has been played in 3 years. Guess that means it's due.

5. Toto - Africa

Hey! This song is awesome, and they even included Madagascar in the album art! Notably absent are Seychilles and the Cape Verde Islands, but I'll let it slide. The original advocates of making it rain, Toto! And in Zimbabwe today, anybody can make it rain. This is a song that I don't mind to get stuck in my head. Bless those rains, Toto. Climb Mount Kilimanjaro. Chase that woman in the song or whatever. And when you find her, impress the hell out of her with your standing on this list.

4. Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey

Well, if I am not mistaken, this was the only top something hit (looked it up...only Billboard Top 10 Song). So why the hell not? Well...because it's not that catchy, upon further review. I mean, the instrumental part is nice and all, but I don't think I can put it at number four in good faith. I still like the song, though. It might be in the top 25 or top 50. Did I just reason that out there? I swear I'm going to choke myself on these scissors.

3. George Michael - Father Figure

Let me make a confession...I'm a George Michael fan. I don't care if, in retrospect, he was talking to a man with small hands in this song. And you know what they say about dudes with small hands! They say that they love to touch George Michael. But whatever. If liking George Michael songs is gay, then Rebecca Lobo can personally deliver my WNBA season tickets for the New York Liberty. George Michael made some jams. And if you don't admit to that, then I won't take anything you say seriously unless you are talking about badass ways to repress your latent homosexuality.

2. Beach Boys - Kokomo

I mean, this song is catchy and all, but I think it's pretty easy to get out of your head and should not be anywhere near the top 10 or even possibly the top 20. I'm not sure why I gave it this high rating back in the day, other then the fact that Brian Wilson was my cocaine dealer. And now that I live down near these islands, I don't really see what the big deal is. It's hot as hell right now, and I don't really want to be sweating my hot-for-George-Michael balls off. Oh well. Let's see what I chose for number one...

1. Sting - Brand New Day

Sweet. How anti-climactic. At one point, this song got trapped deeply in a dark corner of my head for a lengthy period of time, almost like John McCain sang it. But then, it went away. And while I still kind of like the song and will admit that it has a catchy quality, I can't see it getting to number 1 or anywhere near it on the 2040 list. You really couldn't trust me in 2003, as I was thinking kind of weirdly at the time, and was probably under the influences of hallucinogens and recreational waterboarding. I bet I was making inexcusable decisions, like shopping at Winn-Dixie or paying for porn. I'll never get those years back.

And neither will you. I am sorry, but if you read through this, I am not able to give you that time back. For this I apologize and will say like, 8 Hail Mary's as my penance.

The latest in the fight against Black AIDS!!!

While looking at the similarly absurd articles about the latest comment by McCain that somehow made him racist or the most recent three-syllable word used by Obama that likewise made him an "elitist", this man, Roland Martin, noticed something that made his recent research irrelevant by comparison.

Some black people have AIDS.

"But after logging onto CNN.com Tuesday and seeing the bold headline: "1 out of 2 with HIV in U.S. is black, report says," nothing else really mattered."

Exactly. While making up only 1 in 8 or so amongst the U.S. population, black people make up 1 in 2 U.S. Americans afflicted with HIV. And so he calls for our leaders to ignore the war in Iraq, the economy, the climate, whatever, and focus squarely on the number one issue in his life: BLACK AIDS. A picture of black AIDS follows:


You can't miss the blackness of that AIDS. It's unmistakable.

Roland...listen. There are bigger issues to the campaigns right now than black AIDS, or even AIDS in general. Sure, you'd like someone to fight black AIDS, and then hopefully also have enough time left over to fight white AIDS, and then Indian AIDS, and probably not Chinese AIDS unless we have time but we probably won't, and so forth. Obama is campaigning internationally right now (for what reason? I'm not quite sure), and he's not really talking to audiences that have the U.S. AIDS crisis at the forefront of their lives. McCain is busy trying to convince America that he's not going to die in office, and really, the last thing they want to hear about is what care he's going to advocate for Magic Johnson.

Roland also wonders why African AIDS gets so much more attention. At this point, it becomes necessary to explain percentages to Mr. Martin. There are places over there in which 1 in 2 people have AIDS. And they don't exactly have the treatment that we have here at Mt. Sinai. But hey, anytime you want to compare the AIDS crises in America to that in Botswana, go for it. CNN has been doing a bang-up job recently.

Black communities are not going to be decimated by AIDS. Just because a few people have AIDS does not mean that they are going to AIDS-fuck it into everybody else. And what do you think McBama should do? Tell these dudes with AIDS to stop fucking?

"And then there is the personal responsibility. It was sickening to watch the young lady in Soledad O'Brien's "Black in America" documentary fret about the results of her AIDS test. But what was horrible was realizing that she suspected her man of cheating, yet chose to have unprotected sex anyhow. These folks need to be hit between the eyes with common sense. You can have all the flyers, e-mails, Web sites and PSAs you want, but if the two people laying in bed together, or even the IV drug user, don't do their part, we're just wasting time and money.

HIV and AIDS are 100 percent preventable. No one has any excuse today not to know what safe sex means. We must have the courage to say what needs to be said, even if it's painful to our sisters, brothers, friends, frat brothers, sorority sisters and church members."

Those two paragraphs are written in ancient retard, which was spoken fluently back in the 1830's. You think people who use needles and fuck gay dudes don't realize that they can get AIDS? How the hell are you going to educate them? What are you going to tell this chick in the documentary? You are going to hit them in the eyes with common sense? That is one of the single most vague, pointless things I've ever read. Do white people have a better grasp on how to prevent AIDS than black people do? It has nothing to do with poverty or anything? Just skin color? Gotcha.

And for this guy to say that HIV is 100% preventable through safe sex just seems wrong. I mean, I'm not doctor, but I have a feeling that you can still get AIDS with condoms. Regardless. The answer is not more flyers and websites, it's a steady dose of common sense right between the eyes!

You heard him, leaders and other black people. You need to tell your black friends that dicks can give them AIDS, and you need to do it today.

The gayest periods in American history

Honorable Mention: The late 1700's


Oh God, is that gay. Everybody was prancing around in tights and wigs and talking like fucking douchebags. This document bestows unto thee etc. etc. Ridiculous. I wonder how you talked dirty to your prostitutes? Oh, that's right, you probably didn't. Because you were gay and out banging dudes in powdered wigs. And using quill pens. How gay is a quill pen? Very. Very gay.


Number 3: The 1970's


No doubt. Look at that fucking skank. Everybody was so gay for Disco in the '70s that it was almost enough to vault it into the top 3 by itself. Those gay pants, gay shirts, gay dances, pretty much the epitome of gay expression. There's is really no better way to say "Gayness? Yeah, I'm cool with that" through your actions and body language. This had to be the time frame in which Nair was invented. Nair, by the way, is simply made of ball sweat that has been allowed to sit for 3 days and solidify. Just rub that all over your body, baby.

But that's not all the '70s had for gayness. Sure, all of the hippies and treehuggers started hugging trees and everything during the '60s, but these movements didn't really take off until the '70s. What is gayer than environmentalism? Plus, at least in the '60s they were dropping acid and fucking each other. In the '70s, they just seemed to stop doing so. Plus, the hip drug was cocaine, and nothing makes you want to suck some dick than coke. You'll even suck dick for coke. Suck some dick for something that makes you want to suck some dick? Fuck yeah. Sign me up.

Feminism also took off in the 1970s, and you know that there is nothing gayer than lesbians who could fix the alternator on your pickup truck. To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Amendment legalizing women's suffrage (fortunately, woman's sufferage has always been legal), a bunch of feminists banded together and voted to shotgun PBRs and piss all over each other through their camo shorts. Jeez. Talk about gay history.



Number 2: The 1980's


The difference between the rest of the eras and the 80's is the difference between figurative gayness and actual, literal gayness. And it is hard to top the '80s for actual gayness. Dudes were banging each other in gay bathhouses all over the country and spreading AIDS like birth defects at Chernobyl. Dudes were flying all over the country to fuck other dudes. That's pretty gay. Nearly 1 in 2 people had AIDS in 1986, however, Ronald Reagan was able to pray away much of the spread around this time. Doesn't make it any less gay.

On top of the actual gayness, the music was gay. Catchy, but gay. Many people took the challenge to dress even gayer than they did in the '70s, and most were able to pull it off. Doesn't get much gayer than some chick in a spandex leotard singing along to "Let's Get Physical". Also, after AIDS hit, a lot of people were automatically outed as gays and gayness started to become acceptable in the world. And what is gayer than the acceptance of gayness? I racked my brain to think of an answer but all I could hear were lyrics to Steve Winwood songs.



Number 1: The 1920's


Can't let literal gayness beat figurative gayness. And in that respect, nothing touches the "Roaring Twenties". Grrrrrrrrr! Ohhhh, stop clawing me! God, were they gay. They had gay slang, they were all in black and white, they had gay primitive videos where everything moved about so quick and gayly, and even their little cars were gay looking. They were like those gay Scions without the horsepower.

Weird, even as America was all ego-trippin' after doing work in WWI, you don't hear about baby boomers from the 1920's. Why's that? Because they probably weren't having heterosexual sex with each other. Swing music was big. So were books. Swing music and books? And plays? That almost makes you go gay just reading about it. Plus, everybody was closet-gay. J. Edgar Hoover was prancing around in dresses, for fuck's sake. And, alcohol was illegal, as this was in the midst of prohibition. No alcohol? Swing music? Cocks were being shoved together like immigrants in box trucks at this point. Like snakes crawling all over each other. At the same time, the women who had just received the right to vote didn't even realize it yet because they hadn't taken their face out of the nearest snatch in 8 years. What a bunch of big band swing-dancing homos. Everybody should be glad they didn't grow up in the '20s.