Craigslist time

http://miami.craigslist.org/brw/cas/1317819031.html


--------------------------------------

I'm Going to Dip My Penis in Applesauce - m4w - 25 (Weston, FL)

--------------------------------------

And then, post-apples, you are going to taste it. Therefore, you must be a woman who likes the taste of applesauce and penis. Or just likes penis and is willing to try applesauce. I guess vice versa will do. Preferential treatment will be given to those who have actually tasted applesauce-covered penis before and enjoyed the texture and flavor. You can really taste the apples.

To clarify some things here, I'm not looking for a dude. Yes, I get it, it's Craigslist. I'm going to post this and almost immediately my inbox will fill up with dudes emailing me pictures of their wangs and offering to give me a BJ on their lunch break. Well, on my lunch break, I'm going to buy some applesauce. So fuck you. This is for women who love applesauce cock only. And yes, you heard me, ladies...I will provide both the cock AND the applesauce. I'll give you a ride if you need it. Whatever. Like I ain't got room for you and some applesauce in my Smartcar. I’ve got that kind of serious cash flow right now. Who the fuck do you think I am, Michael Vick? Motherfucker, I'm ballin'. 14-inch rims on my whip. Yeah. Throw some lowercase d's on that bitch!

So let me know, ladies. I'll pick you up, we'll drive out to my house, maybe listen to some Tears for Fears and Depeche Mode on the way out just to get in the mood, you know, talk about the economy and hurricanes and Bernie Madoff's audacity and anything but cock and applesauce. But when we get to my house...yeah. I'm getting out the Mott's applesauce, pouring it into the bucket I usually use when I'm washing my car, and dipping my penis right into that sauce. And then? Well, that applecock's going right into your mouth, my dear. You can polish that off like Billy Mays in an Oxyclean commercial. In fact, you can suck the applesauce off in memory of Billy Mays. What a tribute! I’m hard just thinking about this.

So, in summary, please be like, ehh, let’s say 20-30, enjoy applesauce, you should like to taste penises, and also be willing to blow a complete, applesauce-cocked stranger on a random afternoon rendezvous.

I have included a picture of me covering my penis in applesauce.

One more post before I go

Ok, I lied. I got bored. Here's a holiday Craigslisting.

------------------------------------

I'd like to fuck you like I usually fuck the turkey - m4w, 24


Every year, before I prepare the delicious turkey for consumption by my 8 illegitimate children, I fuck the absolute shit out of it before it goes in the oven. I hold those two leg bones and thrust like the fucking Challenger, but instead of exploding into a burst of flames in midair I explode inside the turkey with a burst of potential new illegitimate children. Luckily for me, dead turkeys cannot become pregnant with human offspring.

While this has become something of a yearly ritual, I'd really like to use a woman this year. It's always sad to end a tradition, even if it's likely just a temporary turkey-fucking hiatus as this is sure to be, but I feel the need to mix it up this year. What's in it for you? Not much. But there are a couple bad things that aren't in it for you, if you know what I mean. First off, after I'm done fucking you like the turkey, I'm not going to place you in the oven. I'm not going to stuff you with anything other than penis. And, as I already have 8 kids, I'm not going to finish inside of you like I usually do with the turkey. I would like it if you can make gobbling sounds like a turkey during the act, turkeys obviously turn me the fuck on and I don't see why a real live woman should be any different.

So, if you want to get fucked by me in place of the turkey this year, drop me a line. I've attached a picture of me fucking the turkey in from of a map of Africa.

Craigslist IV

I just can't help myself.

LINK

------------------------------------


That's right, ladies. Please touch my penis with any part of your body until it has received sufficient stimulation to expel sperms onto you. The so-called money shot. It can go anywhere. Your face, mouth, vagina, legs, ottoman, coffee table, Swiffer, Murder She Wrote DVDs, your daughter's Easy Bake Oven, a set of colored pencils, stack of Home and Garden magazines, whatever. I don't care. As long as the ejaculate comes out of my penis, I'm happy. Does this really even sound that difficult? No. It's not. I'll even come over there. Do you live in a trailer park? I don't care. Do you weigh less than me? Well...I do care about that. You have to weigh less than me. I'm clocking in at about 185 and if you are weighing any more than that I am, I am sorry...but you are not allowed to touch my penis today. Next week? Maybe. We'll see.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "hey, that's mean that you aren't going to let any of the heavier women touch your penis today until it ejaculates". That is true. Now, I might let them touch it a little bit but not until it ejaculates, but where is the fun in that? Seriously. That would be like saying, "yeah, I'm going to allow you to drive my Kia minivan, but you aren't allowed to take it out of neutral", or "sure, go ahead and borrow my full-body ninja suit, but you aren't allowed to carry the authentic 17th century ninja sword with it". It's just not worth it. What I will do is show up in my full-body ninja outfit, with my penis hanging out. And then, if you meet the weight requirement, you can touch it until it ejaculates. If not, you can sue my flaccid penis for discrimination.

That being said, I have to exclude some other parties regardless of weight:

Dudes: Dudes are not allowed to touch my penis today. Regardless, I'm sure I'll get responses from dudes to this with pictures of them attached in their mesh tank tops. I don't want any dudes to touch my penis until it ejaculates nor do I want to purchase any rhinestone-studded belts or silky mesh tanks.

Dogs and cats: Last time I tried this was a disaster, so please...if you have paws, you are disqualified. Cats, I don't care if you are declawed or not...you are not allowed to touch my penis today. Plus, ejaculate is probably quite difficult to get out of your fur.

Publix employees: Last time I tried this I lobbied so hard to get a free Ultimate sub on white that I lost my voice. I don't want to lose my voice again because I'm going to need it to spit game Guidettes in front of Art Bar this weekend.

People with HIV: HIV is soooooo not en vogue these days and it doesn't go good with any color, so I don't want to get it. Maybe one day I'll get a shirt that goes good with AIDS but today is just not that day.

Lesbians: I've found it very hard to convince lesbians to touch my penis and I do not have the energy to go through this hassle again.

So, if you meet the above qualifications...actually, if you don't meet any of the above disqualifications...hit me up and maybe you can stimulate my penis to ejaculation.

I've attached a picture of myself wearing full-body ninja attire with my flaccid penis hanging out. I'm also carrying my ninja sword because I'm a bad ass.

-----------------------------


I got some good responses last time. Let's see what this brings.

Craigslist III

It's Craigslist time again. Time to titfuck some women in their tits.

LINKAGE (it will expire eventually, and so it will be preserved below)

-------------------------------------

As follows:

-------------------------------------

I WANT TO TITFUCK YOU IN THE TITS - m4w - 24 (Davie)

---

Reply to: pers-917337722@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2008-11-13, 10:26AM EST


Yep. You read that right. I want to titfuck you right in the tits. Would that be easier to understand in caps lock? RIGHT IN THE DAMN TITS. With my penis, which is currently harder than organic chemistry. Does that turn you on? My cock looks kind of like an electron orbital diagram right now. Now pull your tits out and let me fuck them with my penis.

RIGHT IN THE TITS. That's where I want to titfuck you.

Now, I know what's going to happen. I'm going to get replies like, "ohhh, I barely even know you, can you titfuck me in the ear?", and "oh man, can you just titfuck my hair?".
No. I cannot. First off, you don't barely know me. That would insinuate that you had met me before, but just briefly. But you haven't. You don't know me at all. Second, I CAN ONLY TITFUCK YOU IN THE TITS. This is non-negotiable. It's not like allowing me to just titfuck you in the ear will make you any less of a whore. You are responding to an ad on Craigslist about being titfucked in the tits. There's really no reason not to go all out. So if you are interested in being titfucked (in the tits), respond to this message. If you are not interested in being titfucked in the tits, then something is wrong with you, and I hope for your sake that it isn't HIV.

We can do this in just about any way that involves me titfucking you in the tits. Would you like to do it while dressed up like Robocop? Fine. On horseback? Whatever. I'm down. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about while I'm titfucking you in the tits. Do you have any children? Any dreams or goals? Would you like to talk about your cats? I don't care. Honestly, if Wayne Huizenga came up to me and offered me $2 million and a yacht if I could manage to care any less, I wouldn't be able to do it. And then I'd titfuck you on his yacht while he sat there and watched. And then I'd jizz all over his helicopter. And you know what? He'd like it. And so would you. Because I'd make you like it at bow-and-arrow point. And I'm as good with bows and arrows as the Seminoles used to be before they just decided to build the Hard Rock. But don't worry about the bows and the arrows, just concentrate on being titfucked. In the tits.

So, if you've got the tits and the willingness, I've got the time. And plenty of it. So don't be a prude. This isn't 1890. Pull your tits out and let me titfuck them. It's the American way.

I have included a representation of my penis as an electron cloud diagram below, while wearing my favorite shirt. Tell me that doesn't turn you on.


-------------------------------

My hopes are high.

Craigslisting it again

Ok, last winter I put up an ad on Craigslist soliciting a nice young lady to allow me to place my penis inside of her vagina; however, I got only minimal responses. Two. One was too young, one was too....well, too possibly a man. I placed this on the ol' Fort Lauderdale Craigslist, not thinking about the potential audience or lack thereof. Well, a friend of mine from college, currently living in NYC, suggested that maybe I should throw it up on the Manhattan board to get a larger, broader audience. So let's see how this one works out.


LINKAGE (it will expire in 7 days, and so it will be preserved below)

-------------------------------------

As follows:

-------------------------------------

Hey, do you want to get fucked in your vagina by a penis? - m4w - 24 (SoHo)

---

Reply to: pers-815298728@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-27, 12:57PM EDT



Then, my darlings, my lovers, my Nubian queens, you have come to the right place. Because I am about to unleash this dick all over your ass. Oh yeah. You read that right. This dick. All over that ass. Let me put it to you in even more ridiculous terms.

I have a penis. You can call it a lethal weapon. You can call it whatever you want to call it. Fact is, I'm going to elect your vagina to political office just so that I can assassinate it. I'm going to make sure that your vagina is not registered in the National register of historic places, because I am about to destroy it and I do not want to get fined. Let me break it the fuck down.

First, you'll pull up into my apartment complex in your lifted truck that you stole from your old boyfried, but it doesn't matter, since he's in jail and all. I'll open the door for you, wearing nothing but full body SCUBA gear. Yes, to answer your question, of course it will have a hole in it with my dick hanging out. I'll pull out the case of PBRs that I purchased, and we will slam them. All of them. Shotgun, bong them, whatever. I'll light a few candles. I'll then take your pants off, and singe a few pubes with the candles if you need it. You won't care, as you are already in awe of my penis. You'll be like, "omg, that looks delicious!". I will agree. I will then excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I won't move. You'll ask, "aren't you going to go to the bathroom?", and I will continue to remain still. Then I'll start pissing on you. You'll think to yourself "ohh...fuck". Covered in piss is no way for a lady to present herself, so I'll slap you in the face and tell you to clean up. You'll like it, since you are a sick fuck and you're into that kind of stuff. Whatever. I'll take you to my room, but since you are covered in piss, I'll pull the sheets off first. I'll then proceed to tell you that you look like Rebecca Lobo. You'll say "who?", and I'll get all pissed and make you look her up on Wikipedia before we proceed. The whole time I will be sitting on my bed jacking off while wearing batting gloves.

Ok. So you looked that bitch up, said she was ugly, and got all sad. I said, "no way, baby, she's one of the prettiest women on the planet, just like you". You'll open your mouth in a huge smile, and then I'll jump up, stick my dick in it, and yell "siiiike!". HA! You just got served! SERVED! Oh well. I'll make you bite off my pubes, too. You sick little girl. But then I'll stop playing games and get back to business. And I am in the business of tearing that vag up. I'm like a fucking entrepreneur in that business. So I'll go to town, like a fucking jackhammer on your uterus. A jackhammer with balls. And ball hair. Shifting around, hitting all the spots, pretty much surveying all of the land with my wang, taking you to pleasuretown on the L train, you fucking hipster. I will pull it out, put it on your forehead, and knight you. I will rub ball sweat all over your hair, and then style it like Belinda Carlisle's. You will be moaning. I will make no sounds, like a silent ninja. You'll ask me why I am silent, and if I am even enjoying it. I'll cockwhip you in the face and tell you to shut the fuck up. Huh? You like being yelled at? No? Then DON'T FUCKING CRITICIZE MY SILENCE. You stupid tramp. I'm sorry. Can I put my penis back in your vagina? Thanks.

So, as I'm pulling into the final stretch, I'll start thanking all of the people who made this possible. I'll thank Craigslist, I'll thank God. You'll interrupt me and tell me to stop. I'll give you an angry glare and you'll get the point, lay back down, and shut the fuck up. I will proceed to thank my parents. I'll thank Al Gore for inventing the internet that I solicited you with. And, finally, I will thank you for taking the dick. Then, in my final silent scream of quasi-pleasure, I'll blow it all up in the condom. Because I don't want to get you pregnant. You don't even weigh less than me, and that's just sick. Damn. Get out of my garage.

Here's an artist's rendition of the dick, since this is Craigslist, and I have to post my dick.



- Let's see what kind of foxes this brings out of the woodwork. Come on, willing and able young ladies!

Craigslist Experiment

Let's see what this nets me. Probably an endless array of South Florida whores ready and willing to be on the receiving end of the pleasure piston.


LINKAGE



-------------------------------------

As follows:

-------------------------------------

You could use a fist in your vagina (m4w) - 24 (Davie, FL)

Elbow deep. That's how I roll. I will fist you down to my forearms. And my forearms aren't huge, but I do work out a bit, so they are pretty hard. And have a lot of veins. So it will probably feel good. Real good. Don't believe me? Well, let's find out. Live your life with no regrets. Respond to this message. I'll come right over and punch you in the fucking vagina. Ever see those things in bars where you punch the speed bag type thing and it gives you a score? Well, if they had one like a vagina, I'd be over 950. These shoulder ligaments are fast twitch and they were made for fisting. Fists of fucking fury, baby. I will stretch you further than the credit of one of those $30,000-K South Florida douchebags driving Benzes. I will go so far past the G-spot that I might choke you to death from the inside. But it will feel good.

Listen. When it comes to fisting, I should probably bring DJ Khaled with me, so right before I throw my arm down your reproductive cavity, he can sit there and shout "WE THE BESSSTTTT!". Because I am the best. I am to fisting what Charlie Crist is to sucking dick on the DL. Or what Laci Peterson wasn't to swimming. The opposite. Yeah. That's me. I fill a hole in your life, and that pun was so intended that I actually sprained two of my fingers typing it out. I mean it that badly. That. Fucking. Badly. You want me to take my rings off? No. I don't even wear rings, but I'm insulted nonetheless that you'd even ask. I'll put on a huge ring just to spite you. These rings will be bigger than Sonic the Hedgehog's. How's that feel? Are you bleeding? Too bad. Should have scotch-guarded this furniture.

But it doesn't have to be all animosity between us. I'm here for one thing, to make you feel good. I know you haven't had a good elbow-deep fisting in awhile. That's why you called me. And I'm not just going to come over wearing flip-flops and an Affliction t-shirt. No way. Let's make a show of this. I will show up to your door in full fucking Medieval chainmail. Wielding one of those spiked balls on a stick. You'll pretty much be wetter than the Everglades at this point. Sliding my fist down your vagina will be easier than getting shot in Hialeah. I am to fisting what Key West is to the homeless...the pinnacle. The apex. THE MECCA. How could you turn this down? Don't be a fucking idiot. You don't even have to give me anything. Wanna jack me off? Cool. But I don't need it. I work off much less than the other guys. I'm like a Scion.

So don't blow this opportunity. I don't come on Craigslist everyday looking for somewhere to bury half of my arm. Let me tear you apart like R. Kelly on a hymen. I'll make you remember this day. You'll get nostalgic every time you see somebody get stuck in a Chinese fingertrap. I'll make you feel like a vise grip once I get down to the triceps. I want to make you feel good, you saucy little minx, you. I've included a picture of me wearing a Jim Harbaugh throwback jersey, just so you know that I'm for real. That's my medieval chainmail in the back, hanging on my...uh, medieval chainmail hanging thing. Hit me up.