Showing posts with label Dicksucking Albatrosses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dicksucking Albatrosses. Show all posts

Monday, February 8, 2010

That's it? Really?

 

Yep. That was it. Pictured are Pam Tebow and her fetus Tim, co-winners of the 2007 Heisman trophy.  This was the ad that drew all of the support from the pro-lifers and the ire of the people who just want to abort every fetus? THIS!?!?! Fuck that. This commercial should have been spicy. It should have offended people. Then Focus on the Fam would be in the news for months afterwards. People would know them. As it stands, everyone's going to forget about them within a day. F that. Tim Tebow should have actually pulled his full-grown head out of his mother's vagina on live Super Bowl tv, looked at the camera, and told all of you aborters out there to go and fuck yourselves. "Hi, I'm Tim fucking Tebow, and I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for your vagina. Keep the doctors out, and let God in. He has a plan. Don't fuck with it. Seriously, mothers...killing your own babies? ARE YOU HUMANS OR GERBILS??? I'm Tim Tebow, inviting you all to SUCK ME". Then he winds up for 6 seconds and throws a bomb to James Dobson. Well...maybe not. Showing those throwing mechanics in the ad would be akin to actually showing an abortion.

But nooooo. There was nothing of the sort. Nothing controversial at all. Nothing to make everyone feel uneasy. F. That. I didn't wait for this ad to see that. That was stupid. That was pointless. A waste of $3 mil. I'd rather watch those accountants forage through the savanna for pants again. Gay gay gay. And to think, I would have helped the economy and countered the Tebow ad if it were racy enough. I would have gotten Braylon Edwards, wide receiver for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and done a commercial for Jeff's Abort-o-rama. 



Got knocked up again? Wanna keep it from the parents? Come to Jeff's! Start a tab! Every third abortion is free. Hey Braylon, catch!

(Mark Sanchez throws fetus behind Braylon Edwards...it is picked off and returned for six)

That's right, every third abortion is free! COME DOWN TO JEFF'S AND TELL 'EM THAT TIM TEBOW SENT YOU!

What a waste of time and money. And opportunity. I quit.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Spicing up the Pro Bowl


Hot. That's Drew Brees in what looks like last year's (2008's) Pro Bowl, ready to fling the rock against the AFC...uh....Pros. All-Stars? How about fuck that. These ugly ass uniforms and no-name teams are just not going to cut it anymore.

We need to name the teams.

You can't say GO NFC! in a bar without looking like a complete dumbass, and that needs to change. I attempted to get an "Here we go, AFC, here we go, AFC's goin' to the Pro Bowl!" going on Sunday but to no avail. But if I had yelled "GO AFRICANIZED HONEYBEES!!!", things might have been different. So these teams need names.



The Dicksucking Albatrosses is out, as Braylon Edwards has already legally trademarked that name. However, the cats is not. How about the NFC Cats?


Let's get a random guy to model this jersey.


Tell me that is not a top seller. SERIOUSLY. Email me and tell me. Call me and tell me that this would not be a top seller. DO IT. If not, I'm going to drown your entire family.

This would be so much easier with Photoshop. Damn you, computer that just has MS Paint on it.

Let's see what the AFC LIONBEARS would be modeling.


Sweet logo, AFC! LIONBEARS IN THE HOUSE! I would rock the fuck out of that commemorative T-Shirt. Let's see how our random modeler looks decked out in Lionbear apparel.


Lookin' good, Terrelle Pryor!

This could lead to some awesome jerseys. The Venomous Snakes! The Bucking Horses! The Widemouth Bass! I'm almost 497% positive that I'd buy one.

DO IT, NFL!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Fewer dropped calls!


Cingular has fewer dropped calls than all of the other phone networks! We're fucking serious about that! To prove it to you people, we've enlisted the help of Braylon Edwards!

Hey Braylon!


Yes?


Catch!

*Throws football at Braylon Edwards*


*Drops ball*

FUCK! What the hell was that spinny motion you put on the ball?


You mean a spiral?


I guess. I haven't seen that in awhile.


Whatever. We have Braylon here to show you that we have the fewest dropped calls of any network. Hey Braylon, check out this 8125 Pocket PC phone, one of Cingular's many new phones free with a 2-year calling plan!


*Lobs 8125 Pocket PC phone to Braylon Edwards*


*Fumbles 8125 Pocket PC phone before dropping it to the ground, cracking the screen*

I think I broke it.



Forget about that. I'm going to call you now.


(singing)

She said Young, why your voice so hoarse...I just sound like money baby I should'a been a Porsche (vroooom)....paint lookin' like a.....

(singing cuts off)


Cool ringtone. Hello?


Braylon, can you hear me?


Yes.


Can you drop this call?


No. Why am I being driven through a random tunnel?


Braylon, you are in the tunnel and you still can't drop this call?


I cannot drop this call. I'm trying!


There you have it! Even Braylon Edwards cannot drop a call on the Cingular network!

Cingular, fewer dropped calls than any other cellular provider!


Braylon....Braylon? You there?......Braylon?

Some people do not have a clue


In my spare time, you know, when I'm not busy actually working or writing words, I read words that were written by other people. Because I'm fucking cultured. One of these places is that listed about, "Wrap Around Curl", written by a young (presumably, I mean it is the internet, am I right? Am I right, Mayor Bloomberg?) woman who goes by the pseudonym of...well, Wrap Around Curl. Her blog covers a lot of hockey and random stuff, but the main point of emphasis there is on her following of a minor league hockey team in Spokane, WA. The Spokane Chiefs.

Now, you may be thinking, the Spokane Chiefs? Who the fuck are the Spokane Chiefs??? And when you say that, you will have made my point for me. Chances are, unless you are sweet at geography like I am, you will go to Google Maps and look up exactly where the hell this place is. Whatever, that's not important. Recently, a PR member from the Chiefs saw this free publicity and decided that the team would have none of it. They threw every made up rule in their made up book at her. Amongst their rules:

- You are not allowed to use the last name of the players on a shirt. They claim to own the names of the players.

- You cannot post your personal pictures from the games on the internet without a press pass.

- You will not be given a press pass if your website has bad words on it.

This is the public relations guy. Public relations. This is how this random minor league hockey team responds to the fact that someone has started a relatively popular (especially as far as blogs about minor league hockey teams go) blog dedicated to your team. They took the free publicity and pissed all over it like it was one of R. Kelly's 14 year old girlfriends.

They may have a few points, legally. Although copyright law was not written to cover the internet and there is a whole lot of grey area just waiting for a significant precedent to finally be set, they may still have some valid points. But...that's just a terrible public relations decision to go ahead and do that to someone who writes about your team in an overall favorable light. People that would have never heard about the Spokane Chiefs...well, now they had. And now, these same people probably think that the Chiefs are a bunch of douchebags. That's what this move has given them. They have become douchebags. That is the opposite of the intention of public relations. Especially as far as they took it, claiming to own the last name of the players.

I'm pretty sure they don't. Just the hockey likeness.

For example, I could not make a custom Cleveland Browns jersey and write Braylon Edwards on the back of it. However, if I wanted to make a jersey for the Dicksucking Albatrosses, and write "Edwards" on the back, I'm pretty sure the team cannot stop me. They can try, but it's probably not worth it for them to associate themselves in a situation they are unlikely to win and in which the phrase "Dicksucking Albatrosses" will become associated with the team. Braylon Edwards may have a claim against me, but the team does not, as far as I can tell. So if Tokarski has a problem with his name being used on a shirt, he can send her an email, and I'm sure she'd oblige. But when the PR member for the team does and claims to pretty much own the player's name? That's dickmove right there, Spokane Chiefs.

I'm guessing the only reason the team didn't have a lawyer send the email is the fact that they probably don't have one.

I bet the Penguins are glad the Pensblog has a huge following. It's good for the team, even if it does associate Charlie's gayness with them. People pay more attention. In fact, I bet their following amongst the gay crowd has gone way up since Charlie was introduced. I'll ask Mayor Bloomberg and Governor Crist the next time I see them. Apparently, however, the Spokane Chiefs do not feel the same way about blogs dedicated to their team. People clinging to this anti-blog old school mentality are gonna get left behind, just like Buzz Bissinger, whom everybody under the age of 30 now thinks is a douchebag. Maybe the Chiefs will give him an honorary press pass.

EDIT: Here's another fun example of a hockey team behaving in a Gestapo fashion. An NHL team! This is the kind of stuff that is exacerbating the collapse of newspapers and the old media.