PR

Ben, thanks for stopping by today. As I understand, you've had a bit of a hit to your image recently.

Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months. Ever since I raped that second chick, everybody thinks I'm a rapist.

You don't say. Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Fuckstick and Jones, we specialize in rebuilding that trust and public image that you've dismantled with your recent actions. We help the media to see the real Ben again. You will be redeemed, Ben.

You must be Fuckstick.

Uh...yeah. Anyway, I see you have brought a friend with you.

Yeah, that's my man Willie Colon. He's my offensive lineman. My right-hand man. Say hi, Willie.

...he's kind of shy. Anyway, what have you got cooked up for me?

Well...you've really done a number on yourself, Ben. People absolutely hate you right now. Women are appalled that you're raping them, men are appalled at the low quality of the women that you rape. The men we can worry about later. First step is to get women back on your side.

That's a great idea. How we gonna do that? Maybe I could do some breast cancer speeches or maybe bake some shit? I could do some kind of charity for battered women. You know, the one Silverback was gonna do if he actually gave a fuck about his public perception.

Well....that's what we would have suggested last year. But this is your second rape. Most people on their second rape are kind of, you know, in prison. We're going to have to go a step further for you. 

You want me to actually do some community service of some sort? I could donate a lot of money to a woman's charity or something like that.

Let's just say...this one's gonna hurt you somewhere other than the wallet. I'm glad you brought your friend Willie with you.

...uh, yeah. I bring Willie everywhere. He makes sure I don't get in any trouble.

Well, he's obviously doing a heck of a job.

Ben, would you say that Willie is a good friend? Like, a real good friend?

Of course, me and Willie are total BFFs. 

And you trust Willie? You have a good enough friendship and enough security to overcome certain...activities?

Uhhh...what are you getting at?

We figure there's really only one way for you to connect with these women that are against you even playing in the NFL again.

What is that? Willie sucks at baking. He's not going to be able to help me there.

Ben...we need Willie to rape you.

Whoa, motherfucker! I don't swing that way, bitch! I'm not even under contract right now!

But Willie, surely you see...

I don't see shit, motherfucker! Cut him! Trade the motherfucker! I don't recall being asked to rape Dennis Dixon. Fuck. That.

But Willie, this just might work. And we're total BFFs...

Man, fuck you! I ain't raping you! I'm not even the rapist here. THAT'S YOU! YOU NEED TO STOP RAPING PEOPLE!

I told you, Willie, I swear, that was my last rape!

Willie, this is the only way to salvage Ben's reputation.

Fuck off, man! Everybody knows he did it. His reputation is irreparable. What's me raping him gonna do? You think this is a media distraction right now? Just imagine until it gets out that the Steelers players are raping each other. I'm supposed to deal with that on the road? Man, fuck this. I'm out of here.

Come on, Willie!


*Willie leaves the room*

Damn it. I figured that might happen. Ben, do you know anyone else who may be alright with this plan?

I think I got this covered.

*Pulls out cell phone*

Yo yo Big Ben, what's goin on my man?

Hey Jeff, we got a keg down here at....

I'll be right there.

*hangs up*

You think you can get a keg?

The Lord shalt deliver us to playoffs

 

Yo Ray-Ray, thanks for sittin' down with a playa to talk about Week 17's slate of supercalifragilisticespiala-DOCIOUS games. What is your mindset going into this final week. You ballin'?

 

At times during segments partaking in our lives, OUR VERY LIVES...we as human beings, created by the Lord, IN HIS IMAGE, and not, I REPEAT NOT, using Photoshop, we must from which it springs forth move toward the very goal presented to us BY GOD. By which it hath sprung from. And I, as a child of God, will do JUST THAT, as I embark on my quest towards the playoffs. This quest is a quest from which what forth I hath must travel. Have gun, or knife, will travel. Simple. As God's Linebacker, I must cover sideline-to-sideline for the Lord.

And cover sideline-to-sideline you do, Ray. BOOYAH! What do you say to critics accusing you of using overzealous religious imagery to cover up for that 2001 murder charge? It's murdaaaaaa!

Those that cast stones and throw bones know not that the overtones of my speech FROM WHICH WHENCEFORTH CAME directly from the Lord. DIRECTLY. The Microsoft word of the Lord is Fedex-ed directly to Ray Lewis, and Ray Lewis then speaks the word of the Lord for the Lord in place...IN PLACE OF THE LORD. Indeed...THE LORD DONE HATH GIVEN RAY LEWIS POWER OF ATTORNEY.

Damn strizzaight out the gate, dog! So I'm taking it that you like your team's chances against the Raiders to lock up a playoff spot?

Ray Lewis is blessed and thus blessed also be thy team that he playeth for. But mainly, RAY RAY PLAY FOR THE LORD. AND HE COVER SIDELINE-TO-SIDELINE FOR THE LORD. And thushencely, Ray Lewis' team plays for the Lord, and stands, one team, undivided, not dividible, under the Lord. And Ray Lewis stayed on this team due to his love for this team and the blessings bestowed upon this team by God, NOT, thuswhichrepeat NOT because the Cowboys did not give him enough money.

You all about the clout, Ray-Ray. I see you are glad you decided to stay in BMORE BAM BAM POW CHICKA GHOSTRIIIIIIDE THE WHIP PLAYA, up in the hizzy.

Stu, I am in the hizzy. THE HIZZY...OF THE LORD. The Lord's Hizzy. And thusmust I shalt get busy. The Lord God thoutsuchwhence shalt deliver us to playoffs. And in playoffs, we should drink the blood of our enemies, for we are in Holy War, WE ARE IN JIHAD. We are in playoff Jihad. And after such violence and atrocities donehath been committed, we must pray. This...THIS...this is why we pray. For we art all brothers. Brothers under our Father, the Lord God Himself.

BOOMCITY! Thanks for spittin' some knowledge at a playa, Ray.

 It hath been my pleasure. And the pleasure...OF THE LORD. THE LORD GOD. And thus we pray.

Amen.

Head and Shoulders and MORE

Troy! Troy, HUGE interception on that 4th quarter drive there. Looks like you read Orton's eyes the whole way there. And yes, I agree, your hair was shining the whole time and you owe that to Head and Shoulders and yada yada yada, but let's talk about the pick you made and not your excellent hair, ok?

 

Good point, Trent. Head and Shoulders makes my hair look good, we all know that. But I have to credit that interception to new Head and Shoulders...and More.

Head and Shoulders and More? What the hell are you talking about?

It's new from Head and Shoulders! Check it out! And please watch the language...you should say "heck" instead.

You know the hair on your head is not the only hair on your body, Trent! I have to thank Head and Shoulders and More for my luxurious pubic mane! Check out this bush!

Uhhhh, Troy, I don't want to see your bush.

Sure you do, Trent, I can tell! Don't be embarrassed, there's nothing wrong with wanting to see what Head and Shoulders and More can do for a grown man's bush. Check it out! (pulls down pants to expose pubes)

Oh, God, Troy, I don't....WOW! Head and Shoulders and More did that! It's so shiny and luxurious and feels like one of those polar bear throw rugs! It looks like angel hair pasta!

I told you, Trent!

*runs off to the locker room*

I have to get some of that stuff!

(Narrator)

HEAD and SHOULDERS and MORE...BOOM!

*Head and Shoulders and More slams down onto table in commercial*

Shine up your bush like Polamalu's and give it the respect it deserves! GET YOUR PUBES IN THE GAME!