PR

Ben, thanks for stopping by today. As I understand, you've had a bit of a hit to your image recently.

Yeah. It's been a rough couple of months. Ever since I raped that second chick, everybody thinks I'm a rapist.

You don't say. Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Fuckstick and Jones, we specialize in rebuilding that trust and public image that you've dismantled with your recent actions. We help the media to see the real Ben again. You will be redeemed, Ben.

You must be Fuckstick.

Uh...yeah. Anyway, I see you have brought a friend with you.

Yeah, that's my man Willie Colon. He's my offensive lineman. My right-hand man. Say hi, Willie.

...he's kind of shy. Anyway, what have you got cooked up for me?

Well...you've really done a number on yourself, Ben. People absolutely hate you right now. Women are appalled that you're raping them, men are appalled at the low quality of the women that you rape. The men we can worry about later. First step is to get women back on your side.

That's a great idea. How we gonna do that? Maybe I could do some breast cancer speeches or maybe bake some shit? I could do some kind of charity for battered women. You know, the one Silverback was gonna do if he actually gave a fuck about his public perception.

Well....that's what we would have suggested last year. But this is your second rape. Most people on their second rape are kind of, you know, in prison. We're going to have to go a step further for you. 

You want me to actually do some community service of some sort? I could donate a lot of money to a woman's charity or something like that.

Let's just say...this one's gonna hurt you somewhere other than the wallet. I'm glad you brought your friend Willie with you.

...uh, yeah. I bring Willie everywhere. He makes sure I don't get in any trouble.

Well, he's obviously doing a heck of a job.

Ben, would you say that Willie is a good friend? Like, a real good friend?

Of course, me and Willie are total BFFs. 

And you trust Willie? You have a good enough friendship and enough security to overcome certain...activities?

Uhhh...what are you getting at?

We figure there's really only one way for you to connect with these women that are against you even playing in the NFL again.

What is that? Willie sucks at baking. He's not going to be able to help me there.

Ben...we need Willie to rape you.

Whoa, motherfucker! I don't swing that way, bitch! I'm not even under contract right now!

But Willie, surely you see...

I don't see shit, motherfucker! Cut him! Trade the motherfucker! I don't recall being asked to rape Dennis Dixon. Fuck. That.

But Willie, this just might work. And we're total BFFs...

Man, fuck you! I ain't raping you! I'm not even the rapist here. THAT'S YOU! YOU NEED TO STOP RAPING PEOPLE!

I told you, Willie, I swear, that was my last rape!

Willie, this is the only way to salvage Ben's reputation.

Fuck off, man! Everybody knows he did it. His reputation is irreparable. What's me raping him gonna do? You think this is a media distraction right now? Just imagine until it gets out that the Steelers players are raping each other. I'm supposed to deal with that on the road? Man, fuck this. I'm out of here.

Come on, Willie!


*Willie leaves the room*

Damn it. I figured that might happen. Ben, do you know anyone else who may be alright with this plan?

I think I got this covered.

*Pulls out cell phone*

Yo yo Big Ben, what's goin on my man?

Hey Jeff, we got a keg down here at....

I'll be right there.

*hangs up*

You think you can get a keg?

Rooney II 'fucking thrilled' over new Holmes allegations

By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The usually cold and docile winter in this working-class city has been heating up as of recent over criminal allegations levied against players from its once-proud football team.

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes is the latest player to play the role of defendant, as he is the target of a civil suit by a Florida woman claiming that he threw a full glass at her in the VIP section of an Orlando nightclub on March 7, causing a laceration under her eye. She claims that Holmes, along with help from the Orlando Police, used his NFL cachet to dissuade her from pressing criminal charges at the time.

All of this has team president Art Rooney II livid.

"Yeah, I'm fucking thrilled about this", Rooney II said sarcastically. "This is fucking great. This is just what we fucking needed right now".

When pushed for comments on Holmes' upcoming contract negotiations, Rooney II continued with the sarcastic responses.

"Yeah, let's make him the highest-paid fucking woman beater in this entire fucking league. And that's saying something with all of these dickheads punching their fucking whores all the time. This reflects really fucking well on our league and our team. This is Pittsburgh fucking Steeler football right here".

"I'm sure Jack Ham is fucking loving this shit", Rooney II continued. "I know Mean Joe Greene is eating this up. This is what those guys built. They intended for the Pittsburgh Steelers to eventually turn into an organized fucking crime syndicate", he said, dripping with more sarcasm as he went along.

"Rod Woodson's gotta be fucking loving this, too. And the fucking coaching staff. I bet Dick LeBeau's dick is hard over this shit".

Rooney II then taunted the assembled media for even asking for his opinion.

"So, now you goatfuckers know what I'm thinking. I'm sure it would have been real fucking hard for everybody to imagine how I'd react to this without actually fucking asking me these retard fucking questions. So, do any of you fucking idiots have anything else you'd like to know? Do you want me to start sucking your dicks just to show how fucking happy I am that my entire team is out raping and fucking woman-beating?".

Rooney II then stormed out of the room without sucking any dicks. A phone call to a team spokesman asking for further comment was not returned.

Bleacher Report experiment

I've railed against Bleacher Report quite often recently, it seems. So why not join them?

I've argued that you can put just about ANYTHING up there and get away with it. So why not test out my theory? Well, I did.

Registering was surprisingly easy. Name, password, email. I used this email and the name "Tommy Writerson". Yep. It was that easy to register as "Tommy Writerson" and get onto the website right away. I mean immediately. I posted the following article within 20 minutes of registering:

Quarantine: Steelers Should Keep Ben From Leading Dixon To Life of Rape

By Tommy Writerson

Pictured is the potential face of the 2010 Pittsburgh Steelers...a Mr. Dennis Dixon. He's so inexperienced that he doesn't even know he's supposed to wear a helmet.

Assuming incumbent QB and two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback Benjamin Roethlisberger rapes his way into prison this off-season, Dixon will likely be the guy that coach Mike Tomlin goes to at the position. At the very least, he should get the first crack at it. Dixon started in place of the recently concussedRoethlisberger in 2009 in Baltimore, performing admirably but ultimately contributing to the Raven victory with a costly overtime interception.

That is, if Ben doesn't lead Dixon into a life of rape.

Ben's case is hovering above the Steelers this off-season like a stormy black cloud, or like some sort of futuristic hovercraft that also has a propensity to rape. However, he has not been charged and is free to participate in off-season workouts with the team.

They should not allow him to do so.

Allowing Ben to impart his rape-wisdom onto Dixon at best will not help in the slightest with the young QB's development and will at worstjump start Dixon down a similar path to a life of groping and other wanton sexual advances upon young, vulnerable women.

It's the same reason teams do not want to bring in either of the Joneses in. Both Pac-Man and Matt have shown flashes of ability in their young, troubled careers, however, there is no telling what the presence of either will do for the other young players on a team's roster. The Bengals took a huge risk on Matt Jones. Will he help teammate ReyMaualuga develop a cocaine addiction? Would, say, the Lions signing Pac-Man result in Calvin Johnson arranging a drive-by shooting against his high school guidance counselor? Only time will tell.

While Ben has not been formally charged with any crime(s) at this point, he has two sexual harassment/rape accusations against him in nine months and where there is sexually assaulted smoke there is usually sexually assaulted fire. The Steelers can absolutely not allow him to tarnish their potential QB of the future. Quarantine Dennis Dixon from the rapist influences of BenRoethlisberger.

Or risk Tim Tebow becoming the final hope.

And lo and behold, there it was. For a good three hours. I finally received the following message from Bleacher Report:

Hey Tommy,

Your article "Quarantine: Steelers Should Keep Ben From Leading Dixon To Life of Rape" was deleted from Bleacher Report, either because it failed to meet the network's Content Standards or because it was a duplicate submission.

Please note that the deletion does not reflect the quality of the article and should not be taken personally.  If you have any questions or concerns about the deletion, please raise them in our Customer Support Community:
http://getsatisfaction.com/bleacherreport/
Best,

The Bleacher Report Team

Well it sure as fuck wasn't a duplicate submission, meaning that they must not like articles joking about rape. Or teammates raping with teammates. Or something like that.

The fact that my drivel was up there for as long as it was says a lot about the website. Sure, they eventually got around to deleting it, but not for a few hours afterwards. It was not put through a submission process even though I was a brand new writer named TOMMY WRITERSON. Nothing. It was just there. And Bleacher Report has some pull, as this is currently the fifth or so result on a Google search for Dennis Dixon:

 Wow. And this site is actually respected and held in high esteem by some.

The main reason for this? I read this article today.

The money quote:

Before he and the Steelers move too far down that road, I'd like to propose a different solution. After what happened last year with the defense, one of the team's biggest needs is at defensive back. What about Sweed? Everybody says he has all the moves, and he's fast. Also, anyone who saw the AFC title game against the Baltimore Ravens knows he can hit.

Why couldn't he play corner? . The biggest obstacle I can see is perhaps Sweed wants to be a receiver and nothing else. But I find it hard to believe that the same person who clobbered that forgotten Raven two years ago would turn down a chance to play defense. Best of all no one would really be expecting him to catch passes!

Yep. "Let's move Sweed to corner!". For real. That was a legit article. And it was NOT pulled. Yet mine was. I'll try to get some clarification.

More Tebow jazz

Yes, people are still at it. This is the ORLANDO SENTINEL, a legit newspaper, showing its liberal bias:

Reports surfaced over the weekend that Tim Tebow would work outt for the Seattle Seahawks and Buffalo Bills, both teams without a long-term solution at quarterback.
But the Pittsburgh Steelers might be a great fit for Tim Tebow, which Bleacher Report has pointed out.
Consider the environment Tebow would enter if the Steelers used their 18th selection in April’s NFL draft on Tebow:

*For all of Ben Roethlisberger’s on-field success, a second sexual assault allegation in as many years unveils a troubling pattern in Roethlisberger’s life, innocent or not. Guy’s just not being smart about his career and the positions in which he places himself. Why not draft an image-conscious quarterback such as Tim Tebow who, if anything else, could provide guidance to the two-time Super Bowl winner. It also shows the organization has not taken the Roethlisberger’s situation lightly.
*The Steelers are a hard-nosed team that knows how to win. Suits Tebow’s  identity perfectly. He belongs in a winning culture.
*Tebow is similar to Roethlisberger in many ways. Roethlisberger has the much better arm, but they both aren’t considered textbook quarterbacks.  They just get the job done. The two could be good for each other.
What do you think? Good fit?

What do I think? Good fit? Great fit? Similar players? I can't say NO loudly enough.

- Tebow and Ben are NOT similar in many ways. They are both big guys. That's it. Tebow's a much better runner. But Ben can actually throw a ball. They aren't considered textbook QBs? Maybe not. But in Roethlisberger's case, it's because he can shake a lot of sack attempts at the expense of holding onto the ball too long and making slower reads. In Tebow's case, he is not textbook because HE CANNOT THROW THE BALL!

- Tebow is not going in the first round. The Steelers would be blowing their first round pick by selecting Tebow here. They aren't going to do that, regardless of how many young boys Tebow circumcises.

- Tebow "belongs" in a winning culture? Fuck, anybody who goes to Florida is willingly joining a juggernaut. They aren't stumbling upon a decent football program that turns them into winners.

- Tebow is not going to bring guidance to Roethlisberger. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever read. Ben is going to have his life changed only by a 22-year old kid on an apparent mission trip to Pittsburgh? Fuck and no. Tebow is not "image-conscious". That suggests that he is like a marketing firm that constructs his image in a way that makes him look better than he is. He's just a guy who really loves Jesus and actually leads a morally pious life (for all that we know, at least). Ben is not that guy. Tebow is not going to make him that guy. This would be like thinking your DBs would get faster if they were coached by Deion Sanders. I'd leave that in the hands of the strength and conditioning coaches.

- Tebow sucks at throwing footballs.

- The Steelers need a QB that can throw footballs.


Look, the Steelers already have Tebow. His name is Dennis Dixon. Dixon is fast. He can run. He came from a college team that won. He is light-years ahead of Tebow at ball throwing. He does not rape. He is better than Tebow. The Steelers do not need Tebow.

Fuck.

Let's not get carried away

A guy named Nick Signorelli wrote an article at Bleacher Report suggesting that the Steelers pull the plug on the Bensperiment (which gives an anecdotal answer of "two" to the age-old "how many rapes does it take?" question in the NFL) and, through a series of moves, eventually end up with devil-worshipper Tim Tebow as their QB. With the 18th pick of the draft. Tebow. Fucking. Tebow. And since I'm lazy, I stole his image as well.

Now, Bleacher Report is just a collection of random fans who write articles about their teams. It's nothing more. So I don't expect much from them. But, as this is official rapeweek here at YLOTILAB, I'm going to continue on with the theme. And drafting Tebow is just asinine. Because the crux of his argument is:



And make no mistake about it, with Tim Tebow, we will NEVER be hearing of him out drinking and partying, and things along those lines. Tebow is a proud Christian, and has even abstained from sex until this point in his life, because he believes in waiting for his wife.


Holy mother of Tebow. Pam, I guess. Whatever. Point is, that would be the most egregious example of overcompensation in recorded human history. Ben got drunk and raped again. Tebow doesn't even touch beer! He never parties! God. He also sucks at QB, and the main goal of a football team when searching for a QB is to get a guy who is good at QB-ing. So, let's compare Tebow with other options. First, let's list all NFL QBs who haven't been accused of multiple rapings:


- ALL OF THEM


Now, let's look at incoming college QBs who haven't raped people:


- FUCKING ALL OF THEM


So why Tebow? Is rape becoming a fad amongst QBs these days? Ben isn't an outlier? The Steelers have to go after the least rapey players they can find now?

Another suggestion involves this:


The next thing they need to do is to make a call to the Seattle Seahawks. With the aging Matt Hasselbeck, Pete Carroll could trade his first two first round picks for Big Ben and immediately upgrade his team.
If the Seahawks are not interested then make a call to the Washington Redskins, who will become favorites to win the NFC East with Big Ben under center.

Uh...why don't they just keep him then? If he's such a toxic asset that he must be moved, who in the fuck is going to give up two first rounders for him? Has Ben raped-out his welcome in Pittsburgh? Maybe he has. But are the fans of the team that trades for him blind? Are they just going to dismiss it? Sure worked well with Michael Vick.



The Steelers will then announce that Charlie Batch has been resigned to a three year contract extension, and that the Steelers are interested in drafting Colt McCoy in the second round with the other pick that they got from the Skins or Hawks.

Charlie Batch is done. Look, if Ben is in fact not an option, my Plan A is to roll with Dixon. He was an absolute steal in the 4th round in 2008 and he impressed me with his play last year in his first ever start in Baltimore. That's a hell of a draw. And Dixon almost pulled that game out. I love what he can do back there.We don't need the shell of Charlie Batch or the moxie of Colt McCoy. Or the Jesus-powers of Tebow. We need a fucking quarterback.




Tebow would be able to come in, as did Roethlisberger did in his rookie season, and be along for the ride. Then he can grow into the player, or one comparable to the one, that Roethlisberger is.

Ben Roethlisberger is, without too much hyperbole, probably one of the better QBs of all-motherfucking-time. The stats and the results don't lie. He's put up great numbers with a piss-poor OL and he's still only 27. Or maybe 28. Still. Just approaching what should be his prime. Thinking Tebow, who many are projecting to become an epic flameout, will even be HALF the NFL QB that Ben Roethlisberger is is just...I think it's one of the dumbest football plans I've ever heard.

I don't care about how ethical Tebow is. This suggestion is crystal methical. If Ben gets convicted, he's going to jail and no one's trading for him. If not, he's going to play and you might as well keep him regardless of how much he rapes. He's that good at that important of a position.

Tebow at 18. God. If you want Tebow so badly, fatten Dixon up so that he slows down and then drug him and completely skullfuck his passing mechanics. Then you can trade that 18th pick for David Carr.

Is Ben raping his way out of the QB elite?

 

So, Ben Roethlisberger loves to rape. We've all gotten this by now, in light of his second raping in as many years. And yes, I know it was sexual assault and not rape, per se. Nor do I care.


While Ben's propensity to rape is getting to be a bit much, at least it gives other people stuff to write about. And that in turn gives me something to write about. I give you "Ben Roethlisberger's stupid behavior justifies NY Giants' choice in 2004 draft", by Gary Myers.



Ben Roethlisberger may lead Eli Manning 2-1 in Super Bowl rings, but the argument is forever closed whether the Giants would have been better off with Big Ben.

That all depends on whether you are building football teams or filming anti-rape PSAs. As I'm assuming you mean football teams, I strongly disagree with you, your story and every move you've made to this point in your life.



At the very least, Roethlisberger is an immature knucklehead who puts himself in bad situations and continually humiliates the Steelers, one of the NFL's cornerstone franchises.

And at the very worst, he's a rapey rape-machine who wakes up in the morning with nothing but rape on his mind. He's also far better than Eli Manning, who wouldn't rape anything, including an opposing secondary.





In the worst-case scenario, and we're not passing judgment on an ongoing investigation, he has a big problem after being accused last week of sexual assault for the second time in less than one year.

Being worse than Eli Manning is not and likely never will be one of his problems, though. If Ben rapes Santonio Holmes tonight, gets a 5-year prison sentence and is banned from the NFL when his rapey-ass gets out at age 33 or whatever, he'll still be a far better draft choice than Eli Manning ever was. Because he's better at football and doesn't have to throw passes at his WRs helmets to prove it.





The Big Ben vs. Eli argument has been going on for six years now, ever since the Giants traded for Manning and passed on Roethlisberger in the 2004 draft. If the Giants were not able to make the trade, they would have drafted Roethlisberger.

Luckily, though, they got the trade and were able to immediately pay big money to a guy who has amassed a 76 or so career QB rating. So far, the only person he's raped has been Asante Samuel's nightmares after Samuel dropped the INT that would have sealed SB XLII.






Who is the better player? Too much time left in their careers to make that call right now. But one thing will forever be in Manning's favor: The Giants never have to worry about phone calls in the middle of the night.

No. There is not too much time left in their careers. Ben Roethlisberger is better by just about every conceivable metric that can be used to compare QBs. Here are their career numbers:

Ben Rapelisraper: 63.3% completion for 19,307 yards, 8.0 yards/att, 127 TDs to 81 INT and a 97.1 rating
Classy Classing:  57% completion for 18,644 yards, 6.7 yards/att, 125 TDs to 88 INTs and a 79.2 rating

Not even taking into account the fact that Ben's O-Lines have been garbage at best and jizz-filled sacks of fuckrape at worst, his output has certainly exceeded that of Manning. But go onnnnnn...







He is stable and grounded, he's married and despite his celebrity status as a Super Bowl champion in New York, he hasn't been involved in one incident since he arrived.

Oh, he's married! I had failed to take that into account, because I was only judging their football playing abilities. Silly me. Ok, Gary...you got me. If I have to pick either Eli Manning or Ben Roethlisraper to babysit my kid (I don't have one yet since I'm not married which may cloud my judgment in your mind but bear with me), I'll take Eli. Hell, I'll take Eli if I'm forming a flag-football team comprised of 7-year old kids that gets one NFL QB to call the signals. However, if I'm forming an NFL team and I need a QB to throw passes to other rapists who aren't married and smoke weed and stick crystal meth in their dicks and all that jazz, I'm taking Ben. I'll obviously be taking a lawyer in round 2.






Roethlisberger, meanwhile, has become a nightmare.

For those that follow the national rape circuit, yes. Yes he has. You know what they say...Super Bowl rings are nice, but you can't put them on your cock while you're raping a chick!




Six months after becoming the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl following his second season, Roethlisberger nearly killed himself in a brutal motorcycle wreck in Pittsburgh. He was not wearing a helmet despite warnings from then-Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

Disobeying noted motorcross expert was one of the biggest mistakes of Ben's young life. And Gary Myers would certainly have a point, had Ben died from these injuries. But he didn't. Soooooo I'll try to accept the fact that he rides in the face of Bill Cowher's warnings. Go Eli!




He flew over the handlebars and into the windshield of a car. He broke his nose and jaw and had a nine-inch cut in the back of his head. He later said paramedics told him he was seconds away from dying because of a severed vein or artery that was draining blood into his stomach. Being a daredevil is not the best way to have a long NFL career or even make it to 30 years old.

But here we are, talking about a guy who survived a motorcycle wreck and is still playing NFL football. He must be invincible! At least he didn't rape any of the paramedics.




Last summer, Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel worker who claims he raped her in 2008. He denied the claim. The woman never filed a criminal complaint, and the civil case is ongoing.

Then he went out and totally threw for a metric fuckton of yards!







That alleged incident should have been the wakeup call in Roethlisberger's life. Whatever happened in Lake Tahoe should have been the warning that perhaps a quiet dinner or a night at home was a better alternative for one of the NFL's most recognizable players.

GUH. Now you're chapping my balls, Gary. Really chapping my balls. I'll get around to this tomorrow, maybe. If I have the willpower. But for cock's sake, stop with this retarded suggestion, people. "Hey, 27-year old man, what are you doing out at night! Fucking stay home and watch 60 Minutes before some chick accuses you of rape!". No. Fuck. That. Ben either raped this chick or he didn't. Just because chicks want him to rape them doesn't mean he should be barred from going out in public. These women should be jailed. And if they are not lying and he did rape them, then it's not so much that he should stay and home as opposed to the fact that he should STOP RAPING PEOPLE.






Instead, he was hanging out with college girls at a bar in Georgia last week.

Well OM fucking G.







He has a $102 million contract and risking it should be enough motivation to slow down. He has been accused by a 20-year-old college student in Milledgeville, Ga., of sexual assault at a club late Thursday night/early Friday morning. The Steelers have not commented, but you know this conservative organization is incredibly embarrassed as its star quarterback can't stop making headlines for all the wrong reasons.

He risks it by raping, not by being out. See, there are a lot of things that you can do during a day that can risk your health. Like, driving a car. I bet Eli Manning drives a car. What if he drives it to a rape-den? What now?

Also, everybody needs to forget the "Steelers are above this!!!" nonsense. Santonio Holmes beats women. James Harrison beats women. As long as they remain awesome, they will remain gainfully employed by the organization. Because the Steelers are in the business of winning football games, not winning Lady Byng trophies.





Why would Roethlisberger, who turned 28 on March 2, be hanging out at Capital City, a popular spot for students at Georgia College and State University? He has been in the NFL for six years and he's spending his night at a college bar? Milledgeville is 85 miles southeast of Atlanta and about 30 miles from a home Roethlisberger owns on Lake Oconee in Greensboro, Ga.

Irrelevant. It's a place where 18+ year olds, like Ben Roethlisberger, can congregate if they wish. There's no "one rape minimum" or anything like that. Methinks that Gary Myers would be fucking SHOCKED if he knew some of the stuff that athletes do with women many years their juniors. Things that would make his head explode, like jizz waterboarding.







According to details in an Associated Press story, Roethlisberger started out Thursday night at Buffington's bar to watch the Pitt men's basketball game with friends. One of the bar patrons said Roethlisberger bought shots for him and others called "O-Bombs," a mix of an energy drink and rum.

This isn't even relevant to my Generic Energy Drink Corner, let alone a story about rape.





He and his buddies were then spotted at The Brick restaurant from 11:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m, and then they were at Capital City. One 21-year-old woman said she and a few friends were in the VIP area with Roethlisberger and he was disappointed all she wanted was to have her picture taken with him. She claimed Roethlisberger called her an expletive. The woman said he then was aggressively hitting on another girl.

She probably was a fucking expletive! Hey bitch, suck my dick or get that camera out of here! Yes, we get it. Ben Roethlisberger is a douche. A douche that throws much more accurate passes than Eli Manning.







Deputy Police Chief Richard Malone said Roethlisberger's group was mingling with the group that included the woman who claimed he sexually assaulted her. The police were contacted and she and Roethlisberger were interviewed. She was treated and released from the hospital.

Are you still comparing Ben to Eli or are you just play-by-playing the rape now? What the fuck happened, Gary? Get on track. We get it. Ben raped a chick. We want to know why that makes Eli the better draft pick, not which hole Ben put it in.






Not much good happens after midnight, even in small towns. Nobody is saying Roethlisberger should become a recluse, but when you win two Super Bowls, you lose privacy and you certainly are not above the law.

Absolutely. Anyone who has not won two Super Bowls (like Eli), however, should feel free to rape at will.








He threw one of the great passes in Super Bowl history to Santonio Holmes to beat the Cardinals just 13 months ago. He has been beloved in Pittsburgh. Even if gets himself out of this latest mess, the way Roethlisberger is going, the next one may not be far behind.

And until he rapes his way out of the league, I'll take Ben over Eli.

If he rapes his way into the UFL, I'll still take past Ben over past Eli many years down the road. Unless Eli does something crazy, like drastically improve his ability to play American football.

I wore Max Starks' condom once

I gots nothing else to talk about, so might as well get random.

Anyway, right before I moved to the Everglades, I was working as a valet at some Pittsburgh area night spots. But not your normal valet where some dude in a suit pulls up to some fancy little gay restaurant and has you park his Lincoln in a garage. No, we were working at a place where every car had rims and they all pulled up at the same damn time and we hustled to put them all in an alley. Without scuffing the rims. And, on Sundays at one of these places, many Steelers would typically pull up after home games (or afternoon road games against close division opponents). So that was always pretty interesting. Willie Parker owes me $20 and Joey Porter hates me. So does Casey Hampton, but he hates everybody. Big Snack was typically a Big Prick.

Joey Porter hates me because I broke into his car and stole $4,000 from one of his friends. Not that I actually did, of course. But try telling that to Joey Porter and his friends. During some nights in that area, people were breaking into cars and stealing the stereo systems out of them, as they were typically expensive after-market upgrades. And they did some numbers on them, too. Somebody broke into Ricardo Colclough's car and tore it apart so badly that it wouldn't even start. Had to tow it out of there. And they broke into Peezy's van as well. Yes, the Peezy Van. A white van that said PEEZY on it. I had never even heard him referred to as Peezy before this. I also lost the keys to his other car when I accidentally locked them in Casey Hampton's car and forgot about them. So Peezy was nonplussed when I told him that I lost his keys along with the fact that I allegedly broke into his van. Luckily I remembered where the keys to the Hummer were after a few minutes.

But really, Joey...why would I break into your van? I HAD THE KEYS! I could have opened the door, taken money out of your Hawaiian friend's wallet and left. Do you think that in between parking your whips I also destroyed Ricardo Colclough's car? And your friend couldn't fly back to Hawaii the next day because I stole his whole wallet. Why would I do that if I had time to plan this all out? I don't even want this dude's wallet. And if I had it, yinz could have just had me arrested right there on the spot. I guess I could have pretended to break in to make it look like I had done it, but it would have been pretty damn hard to do all of this while parking your cars. Anyway, Joey Porter thinks I broke into his car. So does Casey Hampton. The next week they pulled up and said "now nobody better break into the cars this week...we know you did it". Then why come back? That would be like Roethlisberger going back to his hoe in Vegas and saying, "hey, I know you accused me of rape last time and the case is still pending...but can we do it off the record this time?". Anyway, they aren't as intimidating in person as you would think. When Casey Hampton flipped out because a bar employee tried to have him move an hour after the bars closed so that he could sweep around his seat, Snack got all pissed that he was being disrespected and talked about how much money he brought into the place. Came off as more of a 'bag than a badass.

Regardless, Snack was the only one who really did that. The rest of the Steelers are really cool dudes. Charlie Batch and Mike Logan used to hook me up on the reg with tips; they were the only ones to do so. But with the money we charged to park I didn't really expect any tips. I was paid well just for being there. One of the coolest, most down to Earth Steelers was none other than Max Starks (along with Kemo and Najeh Davenport). Max was the man. So we hooked Max up when we could. After his injury in the 2006 season, he stopped by real quick once. Just for about 20 mins. So we pulled his car right up to the corner and didn't charge him. However, as I got out of the car, a wrapped condom fell out onto the sidewalk. A Magnum, of course. And I had never even tried using one of them. So I put it in my pocket for later. Max also handed me $10 on his way out. Thanks, Max!

It took a few weeks since I wasn't a player back then, but of course I got a chick to do me before I left for Florida. I still had Max Starks' Magnum handy and decided to try it out and, well, see if it fit. Lo and behold, they are pretty much the same size as regular condoms...maaaayyyybe a bit wider, so if anything they are easier to put on. No hassles with the Mag. They'll pretty much fit anybody, though, which leads me to believe that most people who use them just do so for the status and to make themselves feel better. Regardless, I tried it, it worked, and I gave the business to a young lady with Max Starks' condom.

Thanks again, Max!

Yes. I'm going to say it. Steelers savior? Pacman Jones.

So, the Steelers have realized that no amount of hope and change can cure what ails their secondary. It's a combination of a poor pass rush, injuries to star players, aging + regression to the mean, and, in my opinion, poor coverage schemes. Regardless, it's not going to be something that can be completely fixed in one draft.

So why not take a chance on the NFL equivalent of a freebie?

Pacman Jones is 26. He's not in jail. He's not suspended. He's never been formally charged with a single crime. He can play tomorrow. He'll come at the league minimum. He can be cut in 6 minutes. It will cost NFL peanuts to find out if he can still play. And if he can still play? He can be a star. And a steal, at that. At one point, Pacman Jones was an absolute lockdown corner at the NFL level. Three years ago, he singlehandedly won at least two games for Tennessee through interceptions and kick returns...and if you don't believe me, you can ask Eli Manning. There have been rumblings that Stefan Logan is a waste of a roster spot because he isn't doing enough in the return game to justify the fact that he is taking the roster spot of a potential positional player. I don't buy that, because I don't see this team being one shoddy backup away from competence.

But Pacman may not be that shoddy backup.

"But why did Tennessee cut him if he was so amazing, Vern?"

Simple. Pacman was the number 6 pick overall in the '06 draft, meaning he was carrying with him a very large cap number. He had just been arrested about 5 times and was looking at a yearlong suspension from Sheriff Goodell, who was just getting into his phase where he was overcompensating for something with huge suspensions. The Titans could not afford to pay this guy all that money while he was suspended and were just simply getting tired of his act. And I don't blame them...he was terrible there. He was getting arrested almost bi-weekly. But that was 2006 and I couldn't care less about it at this point.

"Ok...why did Dallas cut him if he was so good, then?"

I don't know. I can't tell you that. I'm thinking that Jerry Jones simply felt betrayed and that combined with the fact that the Cowboys had a bunch of young corners that they were thrilled with left him to choose cutting PMJ. By many accounts, Pacman was their best corner last year. I don't know why he was cut. Nor do I care at this point.

"But the Steelers just don't sign this type of player, Vern."

Don't kid yourself. James Harrison and Santonio Holmes, both heroes of last year's Super Bowl, also have woman-beating in common. I'm not going to count Holmes' weed infraction, because that's about as minor as they come and probably prevalent in the NFL. And maybe even society, for that matter. But still, he's been accused of woman-beating a few times. It was enough to get Cedrick Wilson cut, but not the superstars! We've also got a QB who is by all accounts an egomaniacal prick, a teflon douche at WR by the name of Hines Ward who is a fan favorite regardless of how much douche he empties out of his bag, and a kicker who assaults police officers. I don't care if they were already part of the family or not...what they all have in common with Pacman is the fact that they are good football players.

Pacman Jones can come in tomorrow at the league minimum, thankful for a chance to get back in the NFL. And he can potentially play the cornerback position at an elite level, something that this team needs badly. And if he can't? If he's completely lost it? Well, then you cut him and take a relatively small loss. No big deal. Pros greatly outweigh the cons.

"Vern...we don't want Pacman ruining the team chemistry."

Great. Neither do I. And he most likely won't, because he's never been a problem on the field. He has off-field problems, sure. But I don't care about that. By all accounts, Pacman is a diligent worker and a guy who plays his heart out and just wants to win football games. His teammates love that. He's not T.O., a guy with a squeaky-clean image off the field but a terrible one on the field, which I will argue is much, much worse. Pacman will not lead the Steeler players into lives of crime. He'll show them how to play corner and he might make it rain a few times as well. And if he kills a guy? Great. You can cut him.

I can't see any reason for Pacman Jones being out of football. I believe the same about Matt Jones. These guys are low-risk high-reward guys and in today's salary-capped NFL, that's how you get the edge you need.

The Steelers are simply not in a position to be perfect role-models right now. No one cares how nice your players are when they finish 8-8.