Rooney II 'fucking thrilled' over new Holmes allegations

By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The usually cold and docile winter in this working-class city has been heating up as of recent over criminal allegations levied against players from its once-proud football team.

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes is the latest player to play the role of defendant, as he is the target of a civil suit by a Florida woman claiming that he threw a full glass at her in the VIP section of an Orlando nightclub on March 7, causing a laceration under her eye. She claims that Holmes, along with help from the Orlando Police, used his NFL cachet to dissuade her from pressing criminal charges at the time.

All of this has team president Art Rooney II livid.

"Yeah, I'm fucking thrilled about this", Rooney II said sarcastically. "This is fucking great. This is just what we fucking needed right now".

When pushed for comments on Holmes' upcoming contract negotiations, Rooney II continued with the sarcastic responses.

"Yeah, let's make him the highest-paid fucking woman beater in this entire fucking league. And that's saying something with all of these dickheads punching their fucking whores all the time. This reflects really fucking well on our league and our team. This is Pittsburgh fucking Steeler football right here".

"I'm sure Jack Ham is fucking loving this shit", Rooney II continued. "I know Mean Joe Greene is eating this up. This is what those guys built. They intended for the Pittsburgh Steelers to eventually turn into an organized fucking crime syndicate", he said, dripping with more sarcasm as he went along.

"Rod Woodson's gotta be fucking loving this, too. And the fucking coaching staff. I bet Dick LeBeau's dick is hard over this shit".

Rooney II then taunted the assembled media for even asking for his opinion.

"So, now you goatfuckers know what I'm thinking. I'm sure it would have been real fucking hard for everybody to imagine how I'd react to this without actually fucking asking me these retard fucking questions. So, do any of you fucking idiots have anything else you'd like to know? Do you want me to start sucking your dicks just to show how fucking happy I am that my entire team is out raping and fucking woman-beating?".

Rooney II then stormed out of the room without sucking any dicks. A phone call to a team spokesman asking for further comment was not returned.

Blackness

TOMLIN'S BLACKNESS BLACKING THE STEELERS TO VICTORY

By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The old steel-town of Pittsburgh in mid-January is not a place for the weak-willed or for those with a virulent strain of syphillis that restricts their bodies from naturally warming themselves. The snow flutters down almost constantly from the grey skies, the roads accumulate a dark, grimy layer of sleet, and the homeless people get hard at the mere mention of the Snuggie commercials. But this town usually has one thing to warm the hearts of its residents at this desolate, forboding time of the year...its Pittsburgh Steelers.

And the man leading them is doing it with pure blackness.

Black head coach Mike Tomlin, 36, was brought over before the 2007 season from the Minnesota Vikings, where he served as the black defensive coordinator under white head coach Brad Childress. Tomlin's black-coached defense was the best in the NFL against the run and impressed Dan Rooney when it came time to replace a Pittsburgh white-coaching icon in Bill Cowher. And Tomlin has responded by black-coaching his team to a 12-4 regular season record followed by a black playoff victory last week against the Chargers. And he's doing it all with pure, unadulterated blackness.

"When he first entered my office for the interview", said Rooney, "I knew right away that this was the black head coach for my team. He carried himself like a black head coach, he laid out a black plan to achieve victory, he just had a swagger about him". Like us, I asked? "Yes, 'like us'. It was like he walked into the room with Ludacris, TI, Jay-Z and Kanye West right behind him, rapping their little black hearts out".

Rooney is not the only one impressed with Tomlin's unique brand of blackness.

"We were not too big on coach when he first came in", said wide receiver and team leader Hines Ward. "A young guy, never been a black head coach before, taking over a team that had Super Bowl aspirations. We didn't have time to adapt...we were ready to go right now. And Coach just stepped in and gave us that calm blackness that we needed to get to the point we are at now". I asked Ward if Tomlin's blackness black-coached the team to victory last week. "Absolutely", he said. "Coach Tomlin can become just the second black coach to win the Super Bowl this year if we pull this out, and we fully expect him to black-coach us to the Lombardi".

White Ravens white head coach John Harbaugh knows he has his work cut out for him going into the black hole on Sunday. "Definitely. I'm definitely concerned about facing coach Tomlin's blackness. But, I have the utmost confidence in our guys to counter their blackness with things that actually matter, like yards and tackles and stuff like that". When asked if he's ever seen a team black-coached better than the 2008 Steelers, Harbaugh paused before saying that that might indeed be the case. "Hmmm...that's tough. I mean, Coach Dungy black-coached the Colts to that Super Bowl in 2006 and if you don't have a ring it don't mean a thing. But this Steelers team is at least close to that level of black-coaching, especially on defense. And looking at the tape, it appears that they were really black on offense last week as well. When Mike's blackness affects both the offense and defense like that, they are going to be tough for any team to beat. We'll just have to go out there and do our best to counter it".

Tomlin has a chance this Sunday to do what no black coach in Pittsburgh Steeler history has ever done and black-coach his team to a Super Bowl berth. "That would be nice", he said yesterday while getting a blow job from his 19-year old white neighbor, "but that's not the main goal here. I have to black-coach this team to a win on Sunday first and foremost, but my job isn't done then just because I became the first black coach to black-coach the Steelers into the big game. Hold on while I finish". Tomlin then blew it all over the 19-year old girl's face. "The main goal is go win the Super Bowl, not just get there. I didn't get into black-coaching just to black-coach my teams into second place. I black-coach to win and that's what I plan on doing during my time here".

Win or lose, Mike Tomlin appears to be building a black-coaching foundation for a lot of future black-coaching success here in the Steel City.