It seems God has once again decided to punish us for horsefuckery

Welcome to the 700 Club, I'm your God-fearing host, Pat Robertson. And once again, it appears as if God has sent another massive hurricane into that pool of sin that we call the Gulf of Mexico to punish us for our activities and beliefs. This one, this Hurricane Ike, or as I like to call it, Hurricane Stop Aborting Millions of Innocent Fetuses, is bearing down upon the sinful Gulf coast of Texas in the Houston area. And let me tell you, 700 Clubbers, every time we allow abortions to go on unchecked, every time we allow homosexuals to openly defile God's will with their dirty gay penises, and every time we turn a blind eye to horsefuckery, the waters of the Gulf rise by a tenth of a degree. Horsefuckery, not carbon emissions, is responsible for this global warming trend. And I think we deserve this, no matter how many dead illegal "Texicans" that it takes to teach us this lesson. Joining me today to discuss this is the homophobic ghost of Jerry Falwell.


Fuck the gays.


Amen.


Pat, you are absolutely correct on these homobortions strengthening hurricanes. How long can we allow abortions and gay fucking sex in good conscience? God is obviously fed up with this shit, and I don't really see any other way to look at it. Scientists, those mouthpieces of the devil, they can come up with all this blather about weak wind shear and warming ocean temperatures and whatever else they want to say, but God does not want to hear it and neither do I. We must keep penises away from other penises or face certain destruction of the dirtiest, grimiest piece of shoreline that we have.

Jerry, what I've really been impressed with is the response of Governor Rick Perry and President Bush. Now, here are two good Christians, good God-fearing leaders, carrying on His will to shepard these lost citizens away to large domed stadiums where they can think about what they need to do to please Him. To please the Lord. He's been spited, there's no doubt. And He is a good, glorious God when He is not fucking pissed off and sending deadly hurricanes barreling into our oil production areas. God knows we are dependent on His oil, and He knows how to teach us a real good lesson.


A-fucking-men Pat. How many abortions are we going to continue to allow? I mean, seriously, fuck this "be good to thy neighbor" bullshit. Really, God only cares about homos and abortions. So go ahead and fuck horses, you dirty fucking homos. Go ahead and keep aborting your fetuses. I point my fat, homophobic fingers directly at your gay faces and say "you caused this. This is your fault". And now, you can either change your lifestyle to accommodate the teachings of our Lord, or you can watch as millions of poor people in an area 1,000 miles away from you get pummeled by His tropical fury. Really, the choice is yours, and it appears that many of you are choosing hurricanes and hellfire. And let me tell you from experience, Hell is no walk in the park.

I mean, how can someone actually go through with an abortion? How can a woman take a gift from God and suck it out of her vagina with the same ferocity with which Rick James used to snort cocaine? How can a descendant of Eve stick a fucking vacuum cleaner attachment up her fucking vagina and suck a fucking fetus out of it? How? Answer me, motherfuckers! And how can you fuck a horse? How can someone whom God created, from his own fucking image, walk up to a dirty fucking horse, and say, "hey, you know, I want to fuck that horse". And how can that person walk up to that horse, lift up that horse's tail, and start fucking that horse? DO YOU SEE HOW STRONG THESE FUCKING HURRICANES ARE?!?!?!? STOP FUCKING HORSES! God is going to make it rain with such a fury upon us, He is going to bring such destruction, such terror, such chaos upon us, He is going to give us a bukkake of wrath.


And how can two homos get off on fucking each other? How can two men, two men created in the image of our Lord, two men who know our Lord forbids such gay sodomy, how can these men see a penis, and see this penis, ok, and have their penises get hard? How can these two sinful sodomites then touch these penises together? These penises, so hard with sin, touching the other sin-laden penis, rubbing penises together while all but punching the fucking Virgin Mary right in her fucking virgin ovaries, how can they do this to their benevolent Creator? How can they do this to His son Jesus Christ? How can they rub these big, fat penises together in violation of the laws of the Lord? How can they touch all of these other penises as well, just, touching every penis they come across, just penis after penis after....oh God....

*ejaculates*


*ejaculates*


Cigarette, Pat?


Thank you, Jerry.


Why do you hold it like a marijuana cigarette?


...


Looks like we have run out of time, homophobic ghost of Jerry Falwell. Thank you for being with us today, and we thank you for all you have done to rid God's Earth of sin.


Amen.


A-fucking-men.

Thank you for watching, and remember, tomorrow, same time, same place, you can find me in the 700 Club. Peace be with you.

I did not come before you today to suck your dick, friend

While I am aware that I usually only come around these parts with the interests of sucking your dick in mind, today I come with an important message that I must convey. You may ask, "governor Crist, can't you suck my dick anyway?", to which I reply, I sure can and I intend to do so immediately after our chat, my friend. However, I first must make you aware of the grave dangers we may face if we do not prepare for this big, fat, thick hurricane coming our way in the warm, salty waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

Hurricane Ike is no joke right now as it spins counter-clockwise with sustained winds of up to 150 mph, making it a category 4 hurricane. Friend, please put your dick away until I finish informing you of the state of emergency I have just declared. I fully intend to suck your dick like it's never been sucked after I finish my message. I swear, I will swallow up your seed with a force that will make Ike look like an afternoon drizzle. But first, please heed my warnings.

I strongly suggest stocking up on a few weeks worth of supplies, as power could be out for a month or more after a direct hit. Please keep your gas tanks full, as any station that actually has gas will be inundated by those who did not prepare for this storm. Please secure all faulty doors and implement barriers on all exposed windows. Projectiles will likely be hurdled through the air by the strong winds of this storm, flying unpredictably from all angles like a blindfolded bukkake session, so please, stay away from these windows when the storm hits.

And I promise to all Florida citizens that in the aftermath of this storm, I will do everything in my power to bring back a state of normalcy to our fine state. I will leave no individual behind, no cry for help ignored, and no dick unsucked. We are a strong, resilient group, my friends. And we will not allow a hurricane to disrupt us as we pursue any and every unsucked dick that we can get our mouths on. So please, my friend, prepare for the worst, just in case. It's much better to be safe than to be sorry.

Ok, I guess I'll suck your dick now.

Hurricane Ike is NOT laying in the Atlantic like a Broad

Wow, you are awesome at displaying images, Blogger. (3 second Borat pause). Not.

The red and pink hurricane symbols represent Hurricane Ike Taylor. The red dot represents me. I'm going to die! Sweet. The tracking map is from Weather Underground, just in case someone from there was surfing the web for hymen breaking and comes across this image with the intent of suing me for whatever I have left after the storm passes through. Here is an updated tracking of Ike meant to better convey the relative intensities of the hurricane:


That should look so much better than it does. Fuck you, Blogger.

Anyways, this thing is a fucking animal. A beast. It's insane. Category 4 hurricanes don't strike very often. Andrew was a borderline 4/5 (it was eventually classified as a 5), and it fucked the area up. Believe it or not, Andrew didn't even hit Miami dead on. It hit Homestead, FL, the southernmost mainland city in the US. 40,000 people live there and it is surrounded by swamps and nothingness. It is a 45 minute drive from Miami. If Andrew hit Miami dead on? It probably would have been 10 times what Katrina was. Luckily, this guy looks like he's on a similar southern track, with would spare us the catastrophic damage. Probably. You can never really tell with these things until they get here.

The scary part is that it is still forecast to be a category 2 hurricane when it crosses the state. They usually weaken pretty rapidly after landfall, so this probably means that it is a beast. Right now it is anything but broadlike out on the seas as it rapes the Atlantic for energy. The water only gets warmer as you get to the Caribbean and closer to the Florida coast, so the thing should energize and wash all of the gay sin out of South Beach, no matter how hard Pat Robertson tries to pray it away. If he even does, what with the sin. Disclaimer: I'm no meteorologist, so I don't know just how much effect gay sin is going to have on this storm.

So, I'm going to try and survive next week, likely without power. Just like 1883. I'm gonna be 1883-ing it. I can't wait to pop in a John Phillip Sousa tape.

The worst part of this is that I'm going to have to work on Monday, so if I had any intentions to evacuate to Orlando, I'd have to sit in traffic for about 48 hours. I'd rather cower in the living room. And stock up on beer. Hurricane beer pong championships, next Tuesday, Davie, FL. I'll see you there.

Tropical Hurricane Fay is being a douchecane

Wow! What a letdown! That was the look south today on 95, directly into the lazy eye of Tropical Letdown Fay as it floated around Cuba like a broad. Fay didn't appreciate my taunt and started raining about 5 minutes later, which wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't rolling with the top down. Actually not a bad way to start the day. It woke me up a bit.

Anyway, I was all jacked up and excited to weather my first hurricane, as the tracking and everything from the weekend had Fay running right over the Miami-Ft. Lauderdale area, bringing with it barely hurricane force winds. 70 mph, bitches! As long as you don't drive a Prius, you wouldn't get blown off the road from those gusts. However, my excitement quickly dissipated last night when the updated track showed Fay barely scraping Laudi with her weak outer bands, bringing nothing but a bit of wind and a lot of rain. Just rain? F-word, man! I'm hitting every F key from F1 through F12, because I am just that F-ing pissed. I just composed a symphony in F Major.

Feel free to sing along.

This was going to be perfect! A small, category 1 storm that PROBABLY (I get it, hurricanes are bad, stock up on flashlights and condoms, etc.) would only do negligible damage to the area, if any. I could finally experience one of these hurricanes that people are always talking about and probably live to tell the tale!

But alas, it was not to be. Tropical Abortion Fay is looking as if it will track to the west, as a buildup of strong weatherstuff will weatherforce it somewhere else or whatever the hell these people are talking about on Accuweather. Right now, it is raining relatively lightly with all things considered and relative to the typical afternoon storms in the area. Looks like it's going to continue raining hard until tomorrow morning, dropping about 5 inches of rain (which is nice, because I prefer to be bigger than the rainstorms) on the area but not keeping anybody from going to work.

So it looks like we'll get nothing of note from Douchecane Fay, and that is just unacceptable, Atlantic Ocean. You can do better than this. But in the meantime, make it rain!

Hurricanes are laying in the Atlantic Basin like a broad

Am I asking for too much, here? I move down to the Ft. Lauderdale-Miami area in winter of 2007, you know, to get away from all of the English speaking people, and up to now, I can't get one God damn hurricane to strike the Florida coast. Just one! I would be happy with a Category 0.5 or something. I just want to see what these damn things are like, and yet, the tropical waves from the Cape Verde islands in Africa are laying all over the Atlantic Basin like broads.

You had like, 12 hurricanes strike Florida in 2005, Atlantic Basin! What the f is up with that? You think these people can withstand hurricane after major hurricane in one single season without dying or having their homes destroyed? No! Spread it out, man! None in 2006, none in 2007, no sign of anything to date in '08...I'm starting to think that Jerry Falwell might have indeed prayed away all of the storms before he died. That water might be over 90 degrees out there, but there just isn't enough sin left for the hurricanes to feed off of. Except, of course, in Mexico and Central America, an area that was hit with two Category 5 storms last year. However, they aren't Amurricans, and therefore God doesn't give a fuck about them. A little known fact...if Jesus were to come back, he'd likely live in Omaha, Nebraska. And he'd be voting for McCain.

And so, I fear another summer will go by without me getting to experience the rush of a whatever-the-hell hurricanes are like or getting to enjoy the resultant 4 days sitting in oppressive heat without electricity. This is not what I signed up for, Governor Crist, and if you need to go out there and suck some dick to make the hurricanes start...well, then you had better go and get your kneepads.