Disparaging the weatherman

I always wonder why people say stuff like, "oh, they only predicted a 30% chance of rain and it's raining!" and "ha! They said it was gonna be 94 degrees and it's only 89!". "The weatherman said it's gonna rain, so you know what that means!".

Yes...it probably means that IT'S GOING TO RAIN. A 30% chance of rain means that it might rain. A 70% chance of it raining means it might not rain. You know, the guy is TELLING YOU WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN 4 DAYS. He might be a little bit off. The rain might miss you by 40 miles. Holy hell people, is that not close enough? The guy just told you within a few hours and miles where clouds that were in Oklahoma 3 days ago were going to be at today in Georgia.

You know, back in 1889, you didn't have that luxury. If it was going to be unseasonably warm on your wagon trip to Charlotte, you wouldn't know until it was too late. So you had to pack a bunch of extra stuff or be completely horse-fucked. Which probably sucked. And then if there was a hurricane? Well, you're dead. FUCKING DEAD! So people that complain about bad forecasting when a devastating hurricane changes it's course a day before landfall can suck it. You knew about this hurricane when it was 32,349 miles away in the middle of the Cocklantic Ocean! Back in 1928, you just died! YOU. JUST. DIED. So give the weatherpeople a break.

I just never got the complaining about small inaccuracies in weather forecasting, and Blogger is my podium from which to take a stand. And I'm sure that the stand I take will be far-reaching and highly effective.

Let's talk weather

Oh man, it's freaking blazin' out there! It's hot as balls!

Correction...it is not "hot as balls". That is a nonsensical statement. Look. You've heard cold as balls. You've heard hot as balls. Obviously, balls are not some kind of temperature chameleon that can blend in and assume any fucking temperature they want. These are not magic balls. So let's get this straight once and for all.

I propose leaving "cold as balls" as is. Mainly, because it is simple. If we allow the default "...as balls" temperature to be cold, we can also use it to describe heat with a minor modification. Assuming that balls is not a temperature, but more of a multiplier or a qualifier, we can assume the balls value on a nice, temperate day to hover around a base value of zero. Assigning a zero-value to this level will make the rest of the calculations very simple. Thus, on a cold day, being "cold as balls" will assume a negative value for the "balls multiplier" that we are assigning to the temperature. "Hey, Vern, it's like 260 degrees out here!", a friend might mention to me. "I know, it's cold as balls!", I'd say. Note that my friends and I use the Kelvin scale, and as such, 260 degrees Kelvin is actually equal to -13.15 degrees Celsius, or 8.33 degrees Fahrenheit. Cold as balls, indeed.

Now how do we flip this to measure heat? Simple. What is the absolute value of a negative number? Simply the positive value of it, denoting it's distance from zero. Aha! So, when it's 95 freaking degrees (Fahrenheit) outside, you can use the positive value of the balls multiplier by saying that it is as hot as the absolute value of balls. Or just absolute balls, which would be acceptable colloquially. "Hey, Vern, it's fucking hot as absolute balls out here!". Know what you are talking about, people. Let's make this world a better place.