Blow me, Rain-X

Just like Ben Roethlisberger, Rain-X. My penis is exposed, I have my bodyguard blocking the bathroom door, you are stuck...and you might as well just get this over with.

Earlier this year, I purchased some tires for my Lambo at Tire Kingdom. The Lambo had also been struggling with clearing rain from the windshield, and lo and behold, there were some wiper blades for sale right on the desk. What the f, you know? I'll take some. And even better, Rain-X was offering a $5 mail-in rebate! SCORE! I could spend that money on 37 gallons of 1954's gasoline!

So what does Rain-X present me with in the mail? A FUCKING CHECK FOR $10 MADE OUT TO TIRE KINGDOM. Yeah...thanks, Rain-X! I can go get $10 of free work at Tire Kingdom, provided they actually accept it! This is exactly what I signed up for!


Not only that, but it expires 180 days from the 2/8/2010 date printed on the check. Tire Kingdom sells TIRES. I just bought TIRES. If my FUCKING TIRES need replaced in 180 days, I have bigger problems than replacing said TIRES. Such as, why did I only get 6 months from these motherfucking tires? Did I spend actual money on these 6-month tires? If so, I should never ever go to Tire Kingdom ever again. Not even for 'free' work.

So blow me, Rain-X. You said I'd be getting a $5 rebate and then you hit me with this pathetic offering. I'm considering just dropping the check off at Tire Kingdom and letting them have it for free. Because, fuck Rain-X. Fuck Rain-X and everything they stand for. Except removing rain from windshields. I can get behind that one.

Apples v. orange mocha frappuchinos

Roger Maris! One big season. NOT IN THE HALL! So why does McGwire deserve it? This is just the question that a knowledgeable yet retarded baseball fan may be asking him- or herself at this point. For example, one such human is Peter Pascarelli (scroll down a bit). Says Pete:

I've not voted for McGwire and this latest chapter is unlikely to change my mind. It's not as if McGwire's admission, while admirable in its candor, comes as a surprise to anyone. My reluctance to vote for him exists on several levels. For one, the automatic admission of 500 home run hitters has been tainted by the whole PED culture. For another, even with his giant home run numbers, McGwire was an exceedingly one-dimensional player. Home runs were all he brought to the table -- he did not hit for average, he was not a great RBI producer, he had relatively few other extra-base hits besides the home run, he was average defensively, a poor runner, etc. He also had a string of very poor seasons that coincidentally ended with what have been known as his steroids seasons. Roger Maris is not in the Hall of Fame because his great seasons were too few in number. McGwire should not be in the Hall of Fame for largely the same, albeit bloated, reason.

Ok. Let me preface this all by saying that I'm a huge McGwire fan. Favorite player of all-time. Probably not even close. Among major sports, it's probably McGwire-Barry Sanders-Jaromir Jagr-Fuck Basketball. Maybe Shawn Kemp. Ha. For rilly. Regardless, McGwire is the man in the MLB for me, at least aside from Pittsburgh players (ANDY VAN SLYKE!). So take this with a 535-foot bomb of salt. Anyways, if you don't want to vote for Mac because he used steroids...that's perfectly acceptable. Hell, I myself am not quite sure how I'd go about it if I had a vote. But I'm not going to get into that, because that's all over the internet and is so largely a matter of personal beliefs and morals and all of that gay stuff that it doesn't justify mention on a blog like this, which is generally dedicated to talking about dicks rubbing together and pandas fucking fat chicks. Because I have no morals. Fuck you and the pedestal you stand upon. Which is probably made out of dicks.

But this belief that, ohhhhh, McGwire was so one-dimensional, oh my Godddd, he only hit home runs! That's all he did. All he brought to the table. He didn't hit for average! His base-running sucked! Well fuck, that's because he was usually jogging around the damn bases. Homeruns are probably the most important non-pitching positive stat for a team, and McGwire is arguably the best all-time at them. He his a homerun every 10.7 at-bats, NUMBER ONE ALL-FUCKING-TIME. That's insane. He hit more than 60 TWICE. His teams got a home-run from him every 2.5 games. That's insane! That creates an environment very conducive to winning. And his career OBP was .394. That means that he got on-base two out of every five at-bats. Who cares how he got on? Does a single count for more bases than a walk? In an average game, McGwire got on-base almost twice. That's good. Very good. Ozzie Smith was only good at defense. Nolan Ryan only struck people out. Why do they get in and McGwire doesn't? Would it have helped if he did backflips on his way to first base?

And CERTAINLY don't ever compare him to Maris while I'm around. Unless you just finished comparing apples to third-world economies and want to see if you can make an even more tortured comparison. That comparison is so tortured that I'm surprised it doesn't give up any actual info. John Yoo probably came up with it. Roger Maris had one HUGE year and then two other years above 30 homeruns. See for yo'self. 39 the year before the big record year, 33 after. That's it. Under 30 every other year. One homerun every 18.5 at-bats, or almost half the rate of McGwire. Two seasons of OPS+ over 150 (OPS+ takes the sum of a player's on-base percentage and slugging and adjusts them relative to the rest of the league in a given year...100 is considered average). And if you want to talk batting average...Maris had two years with a batting average above that of McGwire's CAREER average of .263. He never OBP-ed above McGwire's career average in any single season. That's it. One great record-setting year and two more great ones. Kind of great, at least. Maybe offense wasn't what it was now way back then, but the OPS+ tells a bit of a story.

Now, looking at McGwire. Mac led the league in homeruns four times to Maris' one. He hit over 50 homeruns four times. He had a career OPS+ of 162 and a high of 216. He may have been just a homerun hitter, but he was a fucking insanely awesome homerun hitter. Comparing his homerun-hitting career to that of Maris and saying that they are even somewhat analogous in pure lunacy. You have to be a lunatic to do so. Something has to be fucked up in your head to make that comparison. Maris did it for one year. McGwire did it for the better part of an entire career. Even when he was hurt and only getting 200 at-bats in a season, he was mashing. Mashing epically. Hitting balls harder than that chick got hit in Jersey Shore. He was a beast.

So say that McGwire shouldn't be in due to PEDs. But don't say that his numbers weren't good enough because he didn't steal enough bases or something gay like that. If it weren't for PEDs, he'd be in. Unquestionably. And don't ever ever ever ever ever say that voting McGwire into the Hall would be like voting for Roger fucking Maris, or I will find your address, befriend your family, and give you a cute little rabbit for Christmas. And then, after a few months that you've had that rabbit and love it and your kids love it and you've called it something cute like "Buttondrops", I will come to your house unannounced one afternoon around dinner time and I will invite myself in and I will choke Buttondrops to death right in front of your entire family. I will brutally end that rabbit's life while your kids cry and you look on in horror. And I was scream at you, "DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE? DO YOU STILL WANT TO COMPARE ROGER MARIS' CAREER NUMBERS TO MCGWIRE'S, IGNORING THE HUGE SHORT- AND LONG-TERM DISCREPANCIES IN FAVOR OF MCGWIRE? HUH? HUH? DON'T YOU EVER FUCK WITH RATIONAL THOUGHT AGAIN!".

Fuck Peter Pascarelli's rabbit.

Don't corrupt the minors!

¡You're welcome, Patrón! Anytime. I'm glad to contribute to society by not providing your alcohol to teens. Twenty year olds and little kids, fine. They can get some. But no fucking teens. NONE! Because teens should not be drinking this alcohol and they are certainly not gonna get any of it from me.

But what Patrón fails to consider here is...

If I were going to give alcohol to a teen, it sure as fuck wouldn't be Patrón. King Vladimir? Maybe. I'd consider it. MD 20/20? Good chance. I can see myself getting some MD for a 17 year old. Boone's Farm? HELL. MOTHERFUCKING. YES. Any time. Call me up. Text me right now, say "yo vern its jeff i need summa dat boones fizzy" and I'll be all like "k". And then I'll bring it to your motherfucking doorstep. So long as your parents aren't home at least. I don't need to deal with that.

Would I hit up a teen with some Schlitz? Hell yeah I would. I would get 40s of Schlitz by the case for teens. If they didn't have any Schlitz 40s, I'd get a case of Keystone Ice pounders. It's about damn time these kids learn how to pound through a case of 'Stones. I'll make them a power hour CD as well. What do you kids listen to? "Party in the USA"? Fine. Fuck it. The Florida Panthers use it as well to get fired up out on the ice (seriously), so it can't be that bad. Heyyyyy, and a Jay-Z song was on, yeahhhh, sweet song kids, ok...take out your keys and I'll show you how to shotgun these beers! Here, have a PBR! I'll certainly let you have one of those!

You kids want to have a party? I'll go pick up a keg. Yinz want Beast or Natty? I have no problem doing that. I'll go pick it up myself, no prob. Oh, you don't just want beer? You want me to get a handle of Captain Morgan 151? Jeez, kids, that's big boy stuff! Gotta be at least 19 for that, no? Ok, ok...I'll pick it up if I can. And we ain't mixin' that, we're gonna shoot it straight like men. I'll get some chasers. And I ain't getting any diet 'cause none of you motherfuckers are diabetic. What? Wait...what was that, Bernice?

You want what?

YOU WANT FUCKING PATRON?

FUCK. NO. No Patrón. Are you retarded, Bernice? Who named you anyway...1927? Are you Calvin Coolidge and Amelia Earhart's jazz-era illegitimate fuckchild? Patrón? Really? You can't be serious. You know what, fuck it. Fuck this whole party. I'm not getting any alcohol for you douchebag kids anymore. Fuck you Jeff, fuck you Mark, fuck you Amanda, and FUCK YOU TOO BERNICE! God. Fuck you two times, Bernice. Right in that zit.

For real. No one in college said, "yeah man, here's 30 bucks...can you get me some Patrón?" Because that would redefine gay.

Khalid Shaik Whocares

This guy. This is the guy that you are all afraid of. This guy who looks like the result of Bitch Stewie cloning Ron Jeremy. They are going to give him a trial in New York City! Oh my goodness, scene of the crime! Debates are popping up all over the place, either in favor of the move or strongly against it. What I'm disappointed in is the lack of indifference that I see. Why do people care? This is the kind of stuff that makes me want to hide all Facebook statuses.

Oh, Republicans. And don't get all up in arms, Conservatives. I'm talking Republicans. You know, the people who care whether a gay pregnant woman 1,500 miles away from them gets gay-married and then celebrates with an abortion. Repubs all over the House and Senate and TV are going absolutely nuts over this guy being captured in Pakistan and being afforded all of the rights of our Constitution (which I'm sure they all know in its entirety) even though he's Muzz. What should we do? Hand him over to the Pakistani government? Try him in Karachi? Maybe in Alaska? Russia? Alert, Nunavut, Canada? Just shoot him on the spot? Seems anti-climactic.

What if he is found innocent and set free in New York City? 

Ok. Let's ignore the fact that he's not going to be found innocent and set free. What if, hypothetically, he is. And he's set free in New York City. What's he going to do? Do you really think he's just going to walk out and go blow something up? They are just going to stab him to death, anyway. Some New Yorker will beat him to death. That's what will happen. He's not going to blow anything up. He's not going to be martyred. Why would it matter where we kill him at? His Muzz-buddies aren't going to be any more inclined to attack us due to the location of the trial. Are yinz really that worried? I can only write in question format. Gay.

Bush wouldn't have done it!

Who cares? He might have. He might not have. All I can guarantee, and trust me...this is probably the safest guarantee in this history of guarantees....if Bush were to do the same thing, 95% of people in favor of this move would all of the sudden be against it and vice versa. In a heartbeat. I know Bush kept us safe...excluding the worst terrorist attack of all-motherfucking-time, of course...but Obama has thus far as well. Could it be because the terrorist cells are too fractured right now to replicate one of the most once-in-a-blue-moon terror plots in the history of ever? Maybe Bush wasn't completely at fault for 9/11 or completely responsible for the lack of devastating attacks since? BUT HE WAS SO STRONG! I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that the President of the US has fuckall to do with terrorist activity. There are government agencies dedicated to this stuff. And none of it is affected in the slightest by the location of this douchebag's trial. They tried Zacarias Moussaui in the US under Bush's watch...who cares that he was apprehended in Minnesota? Really? That is the big difference here...where the guy was arrested? Give me a fucking break.

They are going to attack New York now!

We've been hearing for years that once a Democrat gets in office, the terrorists are just going to attack us because we are going to be too light on terror. Now we're going to get attacked because we are going to be too heavy on it. Stop turning this into a fucking Bud Light commercial. If the terrorists were really looking for reasons to be pissed off at us and attack, they could just look at how we've invaded Iraq and then...oh. Right. Al-Qaeda wasn't in Iraq. Still, you get my point. I'm sure Iraq and Afghanistan and Pakistan and Stan Musial and all of those terrorcountries are probably weiner cousins anyway.

So listen. If yinz guys are so afraid of terrorists attacking New York again because this prairie-dog looking washed-up terrorist is going to be tried there, try him here where I live. Try him in my fucking garage. I don't care. I'll even be the stenographer. Terrorists have probably forgotten who this guy was and, most importantly...terrorists don't need a reason to attack us. They don't. Allah told them to do it! If anything, this frenzy we are whipping up might remind them that, "oh yeah, guys, we forgot to attack the US!". Try him in my living room. Put a bullseye on the roof of my house while you are doing it. Advertise it in the Kabul Gazette. I can deal with your manufactured paranoia, you fucked-up Congressmen. Bring it on. We can do this anytime, Khalid.  

Willie Parker is pissed

Ok, this isn't me. I didn't write it. I just read it. On a message board.  A message board that Willie Parker posts on, apparently. Let's see what he's got to say, and oh how eloquently does he say it indeed:

-----------------------------------------------

Yes…I read this board. What can I say…your hatred fuels me.

So, with Rashard looking like he’s finally ready to take the reins (that’s the guy you’ve been bashing for over a year for being a bust) it appears to look more and more likely that this will be my final season in Pittsburgh. My enjoyment watching him run the other night was only eclipsed by my enjoyment of reading how many less rushing yards we would have had if I had been the tailback. My 25 for 146 and 2 TDs against the same team in a PLAYOFF GAME only 8 months ago appreciates the feedback.

I’d also like to politely request that you go fuck yourselves. I grew up chasing pit bulls and still haven’t really gotten any sort of grasp on the English language and yet every time I come here I walk away feeling like a god damn Rhodes Scholar. While the level of mass retardation never ceases to amaze me, what really takes the cake is the way the sheep always flock towards the biggest fucking idiots.

“Hey that retarded pothead who thinks Ben’s YPA needs to drop for him to get better really knows his shit.”

“A dumb redneck troll who thinks we’re all gonna be standing in soup lines in 6 months? Sign me up for his newsletter!!!”

“Some guy that doesn’t think I tried hard enough in college? PREACH ON BROTHER!!”

“That dickhead that doesn’t like me because we traded up for Holmes when we could have moved up just two more spots for Laurence Maroney? ONE OF THE GREATEST THINKERS OF HIS TIME!!!”

“Some old Yinzer that’s petrified of letting go of the 70s so he dances around his house naked every Sunday morning listening to Jimmy Pol records while cooking up his brats and chilling his Ahns? CAN YOU SAY EINSTEIN!!!!”



You. Fucking. Sheep.

Look mother fuckers…I always had a small window. We all knew it. I was already pushing 25 and not necessarily a big man when I took over the starting position and this is a league where most tailbacks don’t keep producing at the same level past 28-30. What I don’t understand is where the fuck all this disdain comes from? All of a sudden, I’m Amos fucking Zeroue? All of a sudden…I’m the fucking problem? Are you people insane? Let’s review.

In the 2005 preseason we lose both JB and Staley to injury and everyone starts to panic. I proceed to take the reins and play so well that it becomes clear nobody will be getting them back. As the season goes on, all the criticism builds up…

“He doesn’t break arm tackles.”

“He doesn’t have vision.”

“He runs into his blockers.”

And the most retarded of them all…

“HE PADS HIS STATS WITH LONG RUNS!!!”

HOLY SHIT, PEOPLE!!! Let me take this opportunity to apologize for all those long TD runs. I realize that you were used to your tailbacks running right where the play is and falling forward for a yard. Those long runs never did this team any good did they? I remember one long run I had (hang on a second…I just thought of another criticism)

“WE’LL NEVER WIN A SUPER BOWL WITH WILLIE PARKER AS OUR STARTING TAILBACK!!!!”

Fast forward to February of 06 motherfuckers! Some call it the longest TD run in Super Bowl history. Some call it the game winning TD of Super bowl XL. Some call it the play that Jerome somehow managed to execute from the sidelines (seriously). Most of you fucking scumbags simply refer to it as the most bittersweet play you’ve ever seen. As those dreaded long runs piled up and even won us a Super Bowl, it became painfully obvious that I was going to become the player that proved more than anything that you’re a bunch of charlatans who couldn’t even begin to know how this team operates. Oh but there’s more…

“He got so much help from Jerome. Jerome absorbed all the big hits. He’ll never be able to carry the rock for an entire season.”

2006-07 Pittsburgh 16 337 1494 93.4 4.4 13 31 222 13.9 7.2 25 8.4 12 3

Yes, that’s 337 carries. Blow me. Wrong again.

Let’s see, I also broke the Steelers single game rushing record twice that season and both times were in 3 quarters. There’s a really good chance I could have the all-time single game rushing record. That would have sucked for you, huh?

Remember when I beat the Saints almost by myself? It was a great day. It got better when I came on here and read about how Maurice Jones Drew had like 140 yards rushing today and we should have drafted him instead of Santonio too!

I was named team MVP that season and it was a rough one that was marred by turnovers but I had put up the type of numbers that reflect those of a league MVP and finally that was enough, right? I was finally going to be accepted as a true Steeler? No fucking way.

You see…you retards still had more things to say. Winning a Super Bowl wasn’t enough. Becoming a big time Pro Bowl tailback wasn’t enough. There was more!!!

“Sure, Willie produces but it’s not on talent…he just has a lot of heart.”



Oh once again…I’m sooo sorry. I had no idea that there was a certain way I was supposed to produce. I didn’t know that getting 1500 yard, 16 TD season behind one of the worst lines in the league also required me to produce with talent instead of heart. I now realize that after every run, it’s assessed upon whether the yards were gained by talent or by heart and if it’s deemed to be talent, they actually give you 3 bonus yards on the spot!

Seriously, this is the type of retardation that you fucking sheep buy right into. Kill yourselves now.

Any more myths you people invented that I have to prove wrong?

“Teams don’t game plan to stop Willie Parker.”

Ah, of course. Why would a team try to stop me instead of just letting me run wild? Are they not afraid of “heart yards”? When I see all those 8 man fronts and continually get pounded in the back field on run blitzes, is it because they’re protecting the fucking pass?

I seem to remember a Monday night at Heinz field where the Rats had held me in check to the tune of about 50 yards rushing. They were all over my shit that night. Something else happened that night though…AERIAL CIRCUS. Ben threw 5 TDs in the first half alone on the way to us completely routing our hated rivals. Let’s go to the losers locker room…

Losers: “WILLIE PARKER, WILLIE PARKER, WILLIE PARKER!!!”

Let’s see, our biggest rival just got their asses whupped on national TV and all they want to do is brag about how they held me in check? Really? That was the big ass pink elephant in the room that nobody wanted to talk about because once again, it proved that y’all have your heads so far up your collective asses you need a crowbar to get them out!

Holy shit.

Let’s see...what else?

“Willie just pads his stats against bad teams and does nothing against good teams.”

I always thought this was an odd criticism coming from people that hated me simply because they loved Jerome and I’m so opposite from him right down to that whole pesky “winning Super Bowls” thing.

Furthermore, it wasn’t only me and Jerome. It’s every tailback in the NFL!!! Good teams are better at stopping the run? NO SHIT!!! In week one, after us winning the first game of our title defense this year, we got a thread to celebrate the accomplishments of Adrian Peterson for having a big day against CLEVELAND!!! I ONCE GOT 236 YARDS AGAINST CLEVELAND IN 3 FUCKING QUARTERS AND IT WAS…

“Well yeah…what do you expect…it’s fucking Cleveland.”

Where’s the fucking thread about how bad AP sucks because he only had 55 yards against the Packers last night? Wait what’s that…the Packers were trying to take him out of the game and that’s why Favre went off? OTHER TEAMS TRY??? YOU MUST BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

After I had torched Jacksonville and New England in consecutive weeks to the tune of about 6.5 per carry, where were the threads about how great I am against good teams.

Pink. Elephant.

Hypocrites.

With just a couple of games to go in that season I was leading the entire NFL in rushing heading into a game on turf against the lowly Rams and in excellent shape to win the rushing title and put up a 15-1600 yard season. I’m sure most of you scumbags took a big sigh of relief when I broke my leg on the second play because not only does me winning a rushing title further prove that you’re completely fucking retarded, it also presented a chance for you to prove one more criticism…

“Willie is not integral to the success of this team.”

Yeah, because Jackson, Faneca, Dawson, Stai, and Strelczyk had been dominating for me all season, right? Fuck you. Seriously…fuck you.

Well Najeh had himself a decent game and we did go on to predictably crush one of the worst teams in the league that night but then it became more than that. It wasn’t…”OH NO…WE’RE FUCKED GOING INTO THE PLAYOFFS WITHOUT OUR PROBOWL TAILBACK!!!” It was…

“Did our offense get better after Willie suffered that horrific injury?”

Yup…it was time to jump on that bandwagon. You finally got rid of me and it was time to prove that even though you’d been completely wrong about me in every way, shape, and form for three fucking years…this was your chance at redemption. We were gonna go make a run at this without old FWP in the backfield and show everyone how little he meant to this team.

We were slated to face the Jags and the Pats**…the two teams I had torched just a few weeks prior. Well we didn’t get to the Pats** and we lost to the Jags because of three first half INTs and no running game whatsoever. Did you wonder what would have happened if 39 didn’t break his leg mother fuckers! Did you wonder where some of that Jags pass D would have been if they had to worry about the league rushing title winner? Did it make you wonder? No, it was just “Ben sucks.” More of those pesky pink elephants.

Charlatans. Retards. Hypocrites. Sheep.

Now, I really don’t want to say the wrong thing here or mislead you in anyway so if you’ve read anything, please read this…

Fuck you, StillerNation. I hope you get AIDS. You actually have the audacity to bash me now and compare to Amos Zeroue? You’re actually apologizing to people because you now realize that I suck? I fucking worked my ass off for this organanization! Do you really think pro bowl tail backs just fall in people’s laps like this? Most teams actually have to use high draft picks to get us! I gave you the luxury of not having to worry about that position for three years at a ridiculously cheap rate (about 2% of the cap) and the luxury to draft players like Holmes, Timmons, and Woodley where you may have done something retarded like pulled the trigger on Laurence effin’ Maroney!!! I showed up in shape every season. I worked to get better every season and I produced behind one of the most mediocre lines in the NFL. I am so sorry!!! I’m sorry that I held you back from winning Super Bowls too! I mean, after a 26 year drought, we really should have won 4 in 4 years instead of just two. That’s my fault.

Charlatans. Retards. Hypocrites. Sheep.

You’re an embarrassment to Steeler fans. I was told this fan base prided itself on being knowledgeable. Then I came along and proved how full of shit you really are. Go ahead…pound your chests. Tell everyone how you told them so. I don’t give a shit anymore.

You’re a pathetic, sad, little bunch of weasels. I’m gonna hold my head high and be proud to say I was a Pittsburgh Steeler when I leave this organization. I would have liked to have been more appreciated but we all can’t be beloved, I suppose.

Fuck You,

Fast Willie Parker

-------------------------------------------

Yes, so Willie Parker is pissed not at his situation, or that Mendenhall has finally burst onto the scene, no....he's pissed that the Yinzers are writing him off already. One game and Willie's officially an afterthought.

Well, from reading those words...I wouldn't count Willie out just yet. This may be his last season here, and he may have come down a notch or two from his 2006-2007 form, but Willie is fired up. WILLIE IS READY TO RUN. You know, after that toe heals, of course. So, you saw it straight from the source...Willie's gonna have some big games yet in this season.

Mainly, I just thought this was the perfect ode to Fast Willie Parker if this is indeed his last season here and I gots nothin', so I'm gonna roll with this. Steve Winwood-style. The real author is "Art Vandelay" at Airing of Grievances (www.aofg.blogs.com). Funny that I put someone's name in parentheses, eh "Vern"?

BAN THIS COMMERCIAL

While watching the Bengals finally hoard all of the disrespect that I had been heaping at them and turn it into motivation fuel, I saw that damn Adrian Peterson lizard commercial and snapped. I had had enough.

He's running through the snow, playing a successful game, diving into the endzone, just generally being awesome. And then he goes to the locker room and we see that he's a lizard.

A FUCKING COLD-BLOODED, I-SHOULDN'T-BE-EXPOSED-TO-THE-SNOW-LIKE-THIS-BECAUSE-I'M-PROBABLY-GOING-TO-DIE LIZARD.

I've heard one defense that he may have sufficient body mass to survive the conditions, however, I don't buy that he should survive and still be awesome in the snow. He should be sucking balls and repeatedly curling up somewhere on the sidelines, unexposed to the wind or even inside the locker room. One place he should not be is in the endzone at the end of the game. There is no excuse for that defense to not stop a rapidly-cooling, about to die lizard. Embarrassing.

There's only one thing that would convince me to allow this commercial to remain on the air:

OMG, socialism!!!

Yeah, you got that one right, kids. That's Mao Zedong, November 2001's Dictator of the Month! Congrats, Mao!

So, as could be expected, the cries of socialism that we heard pre-election are really ratcheting up right now as Obama begins to actually do things in office. Town hall meetings are being flooded with retards absolutely frightened of Obama and clinging to the only thing that they trust, their Glenn Becks. HE'S A GOD DAMNED DIRTY SOCIALIST, I TELL YOU!

No, lady, let me tell you. Ok. First, understand what socialism is. If your dictionary defines socialism as "a 3% income tax increase on the highest bracket along with a public healthcare option", then please, throw that dictionary away. Or just cut a hole in it and use it to transport your meth around. But please, do not use the actual definitions inside of it.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SOCIALIST AND ALWAYS WILL BE. We are not a democracy. We are a republic. We have elected leaders. Our checks and balances consist of like, 500 people total in a nation of 275 million. So, if you motherfuckers in Detroit don't like something that Justice Antonin Scalia believes, well...you better hope that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has your back, or else you are completely and wholly horsefucked right in your bankrupt foreclosed asses. We have always had welfare. We have had Medicare. THIS IS NOT FUCKING NEW. You retards are going to have your taxes LOWERED by Obama because you do not make $250 K a year.

Two things here....first, insurance. Health insurance. Public options. "How can private insurers compete with a government option that doesn't have to pay taxes!". Good question. But save it for now and ask it to yourself the next time you send something with FedEx. Or the next time you drive your Nationwide-insured car, eschewing the horrible state-insurance option. Or maybe the next time you fuck some drunk chick with your Trojan-sheathed whiskeydick instead of adhering to the government's abstinence-only policy. Wait, Palin didn't get elected. But still, how can Trojan compete with abstinence? Insurance companies have been accused of collusion in the past and, as profit-based enterprises, the best way for them to make a profit is to deny every claim that they can possibly deny. All the government plan is attempting to do is to keep them honest. Do you really trust the insurance companies? While you may disagree with the option, which is fine, just try not to be convinced that a public option will destroy private insurance and forcefully titfuck the "American Way". It won't.

Staying on the topic of insurance, there is a good economic reason to have insurance. Let's consider auto insurance. You are required to have auto insurance. Because when you hit some douchebag Oregon-liberal right in his gay little Prius, somebody is going to have to pay to fix the little engine on his car that converts flowers into torque. And you can't afford it. That's why you have insurance. Who do you think it is fucking up auto insurance for the rest of us? It's the uninsured. Economics is also behind the reasoning for the law requiring seat belts to be worn. It may be your body, but we don't give a fuck. Because when your dumb ass flies through the windshield, WE have to pay more to keep you on life support. WE have to pay more for all of the surgeries that you are going to require now to reattach your leg.

So, don't give me that "it should be my choice whether or not I have health insurance!" argument. You may believe it, but I don't. Because when you get cancer, do you think we are going to just let you sit there and die? Or, when you get shot, do you think that we are just going to let your uninsured ass bleed to death there on the street? No. The hospital is going to treat you, get stiffed, and the ripple effect following will raise everybody else's health insurance in the end. So why don't we just see if we can insure everybody? If not, the rest of us are paying for your right not to have health insurance. You fucking socialist. So that's my argument when you ask me how we are going to pay for all of this...in the grand scheme of things, I think most current insurance prices will drop. Might I be wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely. I don't know much about economics. However, I will contend that you don't either, because no one does. It's an inexact "science". If one side was right and the other was wrong, we'd have a perpetual cycle of one side fucking up everything they touch and the other bringing it all back together. But we don't have that. Possibly because the only economics those 500 or so in power care about are their own, but that's a different story.

And secondly, socialism. Welfare. Medicare. Food stamps. GET A FUCKING JOB! That's easy for you to say, everybody with a job. Hey homeless guy, get a fucking job! Yeah. I'm sure he actually just turned down a position at Target. I don't want the government taking my money and giving it to these poor ass motherfuckers while they sit around and enjoy the good life in Section 8 housing! Come on, people. First of all, perfect unemployment is not only practically impossible, it's not even recommended economically. Second, is you think sitting around and collecting $200 a month in food stamps is the life, then go do it. Go ahead, cowboy, this is America. You have the freedom. And if you tell me you'd rather not because your patriotic hands would rather sweat and callus and make valves for some employer who most likely doesn't give the slightest fuck about you, I'm going to jizz on your Toby Keith CDs. You do it because you like being able to afford, like, cable. Seriously, man. I actually like Toby Keith. I don't want to have to do this.


(EDIT: Upon second thought, the "partial unemployment is economically recommended" argument is disingenuous for the point I'm making. Sure, it's true, but it doesn't really address welfare recipients so much as it addresses people waiting in the wings and keeping wages reasonable and productivity high.)


And, truly, welfare and its ilk keep those poor motherfuckers from attacking you. If you cut welfare out, you had better have one hell of a security force because these legions of hungry ass people who don't have a single thing to live for know that you have money. And they are coming to your house. Probably with a gun, since there are so many of them out there. Welfare is as much about humanitarianism as it is about assuaging the masses and keeping them complacent. So please, for the good of the rest of us, pay that extra $103 a year or whatever it takes in taxes to keep welfare going.

We have always had socialist tendencies. But we are not truly socialist. In a truly socialist state, yes, you would have public health care. But it wouldn't be an option. You'd just take it. And you'd go to work where the government told you to go to work. And you'd do what they told you to do. And you'd get a monthly stipend. And that's it. The government would control all industry (well, I guess they are kind of getting close to that, actually). You can disagree with some of Obama's policies. Hell, I do myself. I think him and Bush and very similar and don't see how someone could love Bush and hate Obama and vice versa. But don't be a moron about it. Don't bring that weak "but he's a socialist!" stuff in here, because I'm going to get all argumentative and start raising my voice and possibly end up cockslapping you in the face. If your main argument is to vapidly characterize Obama as a dirty commie socialist, I'm going to characterize you as a fucking retard.

Ok. Now let's get back to talking about Vince Young's sadfaces.

I freaking get it, Facebook

I am getting so damn tired of these stupid emails everytime anybody does anything on Facebook that it makes me want to kidnap an 18-year old girl on Spring Break in Aruba. I GET IT. Yes, Jim Thomas also commented on Jen Cocknballs' status, saying "fabulous!", or "I was just there 8 days ago!", or "we should totally have genital intercourse!".

I'm just trying to make a joke, ok? Beth is packing :(, and I'm all like "yeah, try being me, I'm ALWAYS packing!" (I never fail to make that joke on Facebook statuses), and then I have to deal with a deluge of emails about how Ann Jones and Chad Littleballs and Veronica Vagflaps are offering to help and Dave Tigerclaws feels bad for her and Nicole Buttermilk wants to help but can't and Kyle Roethlisholmes got herpes from her lol, and I DON'T CARE. Stop emailing me stupid updates! It's enough to make me NOT want to leave off-color jokes on your status. You've been warned, America.

"But, Vern, can't you just delete the emails?". Yes, I can. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The point is that I still get legitimately excited when I get an email...it's like when you got real mail as a kid. I see the gmail notifier pop up and I'm like, ohhhh, I have mail! I hope it's something cool like an awesome thing to do this weekend or some chick responding to my Craigslist ad and offering to blow me while wearing an authentic kimono or something cool like that.

But when it's some dude saying "heyyyy!" below me? I don't need to know about that. I can do without it. FIGURE IT OUT, FACEBOOK! Make an algorithm or something, you rich fucks.

Gyms

Ok, so the Meathead Challenge has not been going so well as I am struggling to even get up to 275 consistently in the ol' bench press department, let alone coming close to 315. Soooo, f that. I'll still be hitting the gym on the reg, but the challenge is over because I'm going to do a cycle of the juice. Yep. The roids. Just for the hell of it. Should be fun!

Anyway, the LA Fitness seems to contain a large amount of a breed of people that you don't usually see in such large packs in real life...it's almost like a zoo of sorts. But even in the zoo, some of the animals do not abandon their natural instincts.

Like the dudes who do their workouts with their hair fully gelled and slicked back, like Gordon fucking Gekko or something. Yo, dude, could you spot me? And then maybe take a quick look at my stock portfolio? What the hell is wrong with these people? I just can't see how a regular person can decide, you know, it's time to go do some lat pull-downs. Shirt? Check. Sweet tank, dude! Sweatpants? Fuck yeah! Oh...gotta slick back the hair! Lookin' good, Vito! NOW LET'S GET ON THAT ROW MACHINE!

I also saw a chick working it out with a 20 ounce bottle of Coke. The liquid version, that is. Just felt the need to qualify that after the previous description. Now, if I did that, I would be sick as hell and feeling like the I had the bends after being pulled up out of 10,000 feet of water or something. But somehow this lady just kept doing leg curls between sips of fucking Coke. I really, really hope for her sake that she's diabetic. Well, I mean, I don't actually hope that she's diabetic, but...you know what I mean. Fucker.

Another thing I can't stand are the people who lift in freaking metal clasp watches. Take your watch off, dickhead! You aren't at work. A $400 Citizen watch does not go well with a Nike Dri-Fit cut off t-shirt. It just doesn't. It would be like wearing a Scottish kilt with mandals. Such a faux pas. Is it douche-thirty yet?

And some of these girls in here are definitely part of the all-you-can-rape buffet. I really just want to dress up like RuPaul and sit around in the women's locker room for an hour or two. But some of these bitches need to fucking eat NOW. If I run into one of them at a bar, I'm not going to buy them a drink. I'm going to buy them a sandwich. Hey bartender...how about a BLT for the young lady over there? She'd probably eat it will immediately doing a set of lunges. I'm afraid that if I spike one of these girls' drinks and bring her back home that I might break her. And then I'd feel too bad about it to deny anything when she came to.

I'm also intrigued by the attire of some of these ladies. Most of the dudes just wear normal shirts and shorts/pant to workout. But no, not these women. Some fuckbortion of black and neon, inevitably. And straps and holes and fucking clasps and what the hell is wrong with you bitches? Is there an American Gladiators store near by? Should I just call you Electra?

Most of the ladies there seem to be easily offended. No, random woman, I was not serious when I said after doing some sets on an ab machine that "this is what an abortion must feel like". Maybe if you'd stop getting pregnant you'd be able to take jokes better. Me and the easily offended do not coexist well.

There is, however, one dude who seriously rapes the decency of gym attire right in it's unwilling mouth. This little Spanish dude is always wearing the SAME FUCKING short-ass shorts that barely go to the top of his legs. SAME PAIR! And he's there like, every freaking day. Pretty much the same shirt, too. Maybe he rotates between two or three. Regardless, I want to buy him some shorts. Does he do laundry every day after he gets home? Or does he just not care about wearing what must be by now the dirtiest clothes in the entire state of South Florida (yes, it is its own state)? There are a few who wear similar attire, but none anywhere near this frequently. God, dude...you are the Meat Gayzer.

So f all of that, I'm starting my cycle and forming MUSCLE CLUB. All members must wear their MUSCLE CLUB AHHHHHH! shirts to the gym on ALL OCCASIONS! No exceptions will be made. Repeat violations will result in your dismissal from Muscle Club.

You have been warned.

Airport hot

Yeah, I done been slackin' on this website, and yinz can suck it. This was meant to go up YEARS ago (ok, last Friday).

On my trip to and from San Diego, and ESPECIALLY in my stop in Houston, I can't help but notice how....well, unattractive people in airports are. While unsuccessfully trying to set up a pre-trip J from a familiar female acquaintance, I was told that maybe I should try my luck with a cougar at the airport. Well, you know what? There really weren't many chicks at the airport that I would even allow to blow me in a janitorial closet, even if they came up to me and asked nicely.

"Hey, Vern, can I please put your penis in my mouth?"

Uhhh...uhh, well....uhh...sorry, I've got to board! Maybe next time.

AND I WOULD ALMOST NEVER TURN DOWN A FREE-J. So this is saying something.

Any chick in an airport with full control of her motor functions is pretty much "airport hot". And it's even worse at the convention I was at...which dealt with an industrial field. Convention hot? Pretty much anyone with a vagina. I've never been to prison, but I can't imagine the selection being too much worse there.

So where are all of you women that I talk to (or, at the very least, make eye contact with) in the rest of the world? DON'T YOU EVER FLY?!?!?! I swear I'll buy you a plane ticket if you just sit next to me on the plane...and jack me off underneath the blanket the stewardess gave me.

Disparaging the weatherman

I always wonder why people say stuff like, "oh, they only predicted a 30% chance of rain and it's raining!" and "ha! They said it was gonna be 94 degrees and it's only 89!". "The weatherman said it's gonna rain, so you know what that means!".

Yes...it probably means that IT'S GOING TO RAIN. A 30% chance of rain means that it might rain. A 70% chance of it raining means it might not rain. You know, the guy is TELLING YOU WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN 4 DAYS. He might be a little bit off. The rain might miss you by 40 miles. Holy hell people, is that not close enough? The guy just told you within a few hours and miles where clouds that were in Oklahoma 3 days ago were going to be at today in Georgia.

You know, back in 1889, you didn't have that luxury. If it was going to be unseasonably warm on your wagon trip to Charlotte, you wouldn't know until it was too late. So you had to pack a bunch of extra stuff or be completely horse-fucked. Which probably sucked. And then if there was a hurricane? Well, you're dead. FUCKING DEAD! So people that complain about bad forecasting when a devastating hurricane changes it's course a day before landfall can suck it. You knew about this hurricane when it was 32,349 miles away in the middle of the Cocklantic Ocean! Back in 1928, you just died! YOU. JUST. DIED. So give the weatherpeople a break.

I just never got the complaining about small inaccuracies in weather forecasting, and Blogger is my podium from which to take a stand. And I'm sure that the stand I take will be far-reaching and highly effective.

HEY FUCKING OBAMA

HEY OBAMA...WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL THE FREE STUFF??? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I HOPE YOU CAN. TO MAKE SURE, I'M PUTTING THIS IS FUCKING CAPS LOCK. CAPS LOCK!!!!

I WAS TOLD OVER AND OVER AGAIN HOW YOU ARE JUST GOING TO LIKE, GIVE ME STUFF. MONEY AND STUFF LIKE THAT. WELL WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHECK??? I CHECK THE MAIL EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THAT CHECK AND IT HASN'T COME. WHY AREN'T YOU GIVING ME FREE MONEY LIKE THEY ALL SAID YOU WOULD? OHHHHH, IT'S GOING TO COME WHEN I GET LIKE A $10 BREAK ON MY YEARLY INCOME TAX? FUCK THAT. I WANT MONEY.

I WANT MONEY, OBAMA. THEY SAID THAT YOU ARE JUST GOING TO GIVE STUFF TO THE POOR AND STUFF LIKE THAT. SPREAD THE WEALTH. WHERE'S THE FUCKING WEALTH THEN, YOU DICKFRICAN COCK HANGAR???? I JUST CHECKED MY MAILBOX AGAIN AND THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT FROM YOU. WTF????

RUSH SAID IT. HANNITY SAID IT. THEY ALL SAID YOU'D BE GIVING ME MONEY AND YOU HAVEN'T. WELL HURRY THE FUCK UP, ASSJACKET. THAT METH AIN'T GONNA COOK ITSELF. I WANT MY FREE MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!!!! I ONLY VOTED FOR YOU BECAUSE I HEARD THAT YOU'D BE MAKING IT RAIN. WELL IT'S ONLY RAINING ON BUSINESSES. FUCK BUSINESSES! BUSINESSES DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU, DICKMIX. I DID. SO GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY THAT I WAS PROMISED!!!!!!

I'M WAITING.

Hey Steeler fans

Yesterday was a good day at the Steelers bar when all was said and done, due in large Rosanne Barr-esque part to the Steeler victory over the lightning bolts. Philip Rivers played ok but made one killer pick that the Steelers converted into a 2 inch field goal after a very heady play by Hines Ward to come over and help nudge San Antonio out of bounds.

But there were the usual few Steelers fans that I wanted to punch for all-out assault on reason.

First, and we'll call him "the guy who wears full Hines Ward uniform to the bar". He actually wore leg pads too, which means that he wore MORE FOOTBALL EQUIPMENT THAN HINES WARD TO A FUCKING BAR. And no, he doesn't just do that on Halloween. Fact is, this guy is scary how much he cares. The players themselves don't care as much as this guy does, at least not about a midseason game against a mid-tier non-divisional team. The sun will rise tomorrow, regardless of what happens. The grocery stores will be open. Lil' Wayne will release a mixtape.

But my main problem with this guy is his constant second-guessing of decisions while offering stupid rationale behind his decisions. First, the 51-yard FG attempt. My first thought was I'd go for it on 4th and 5, but if you think he can make the field goal you kick it. And Tomlin and Jeff Reed know better than us if they can make it or not. Reed had not missed a field goal all year, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Now, he did miss this one, but he wasn't short with it. He just shanked it. So full pads guy starts screaming FUCK YOU TOMLIN, GO FOR IT!!!!, and I looked at him in disbelief that someone could have that much emotional investment in a call in the middle of the first quarter, and he says..."you gotta fucking GO FOR IT, our defense is AWESOME!". They weren't punting, dickhead. OUR DEFENSE IS AWESOME!!!! is just as much a reason to kick the field goal as to go for it, because...you know, the Chargers get the ball at about the same spot following a failure regardless of what route you take there. His response was "they should have fucking gone for it in this weather!!!". What the fuck do you know about kicking 51-yard field goals in the snow, douchebag? Are you diagnosing this situation from a bar in Fort fucking Lauderdale? Who are you, Bill Frist? You have no idea about the field. If you think you can make the field goal in a 0-0 game, I have no problem with taking that shot. And if you think you should go for it, hey, I have no problem with that opinion either. But at least defend your decision with something somewhat resembling sense.

Second, we've been hearing all of this GET RID OF THE BALL! stuff. And to some degree, it makes sense. But when you look at the BenView cam, you can see that in a lot of these instances, the WRs just aren't open. This was especially the case yesterday, as the WRs were having their way with the Chargers CBs but were very slow to get into their breaks (almost certainly due to the field conditions, which affect WR/CBs more than anyone as they are all about cuts and breaks and other assorted quick changes of direction. While Ben does get happy feet and step into a lot of sacks, he seemed to do ok yesterday waiting for these breaks to happen. People still yelled, "GET RID OF THE BALL!!!". Why!?!?! Either the line was playing very well or the Chargers pass rush was poor, but that's irrelevant. The fact remains that you should take as much time as you can to get rid of the ball if you have it. And Ben had it. There is no point in checking down every time just because you can. The simple fact is that the best cornerback in the world cannot stay with a receiver forever because only one of them knows where he is going. This is especially true on a slick field. So why get it out of there quickly when you don't have to? If you want big plays, you have to let them develop.

Now, that being said, there was one instance where I wanted to punch everybody in the room. The Steelers were on the 35/40ish yard line and Ben just hit Mewelde Moore for a 7 or so yard gain. Decent play, right? Well, CBS showed Santonio Holmes open for about 15 yards and then showed Nate Washington about to break open into the end zone on a post route. Of course, people were cursing Roethlisberger for checking it down and not waiting for the WRs to break open. Well what the fuck do you want, morons? You can't have it both way. Of course Ben should have taken some more time to look at the WRs, and he certainly had it. But every time he does, you yell at him to get rid of the ball. What the hell? Which way do you want it? Do you want him to hold the ball or get rid of it quick every play? God damn it, people. It's tough to watch the game when all you want to do is hit everyone around you. I felt like an abortion doctor at a Mike Huckabee rally.

That wasn't all, though. The group of lesbians behind me took offense to me coughing from their cig smoke, and we eventually started discussing Roethlisberger, and mainly why I defended him after he threw an incomplete pass to drop his numbers to something like 25 of 32 for 256 yards at the time. In the fucking snow. "He's soooo overrated!!!!", one of them yells, which is an argument you may be able to make with facts if you have the capability for rational thought. But, she didn't. "You are a typical Pittsburgh fan, always making excuses for the quarterback. You should go back!". Well, lesbian number one, I know you are pissed off that we just passed a ban on gay marriage, but don't take your anger out on logic. YOU, my vagina loving friend, are the typical Pittsburgh fan. Guy in full uniform told me earlier, "I bet they throw to a wide open guy on the sideline because Ike Taylor is 10 yards off of him". I bet you they don't, guy in uniform. Oh, look at that, safety, Silverback Harrison. "Catch the ball Ike!!!!", yells everybody as Ike Taylor breaks up a pass in the endzone with one fucking finger. None of you 'typical' fans seem to realize how lucky we are to have a corner as good as Ike Taylor is. He's fucking shutdown. We've been cursing our secondary for years, and now we have someone like Ike fucking wrecking shop back there, and you are pissed. Someone as uncoverable as Santonio Holmes is our second receiver, but you morons hate him. Hines Ward drops a pass right after Holmes does, but it's ok because Hines can do no wrong. Neither can Polamalu when he gets caught committing to a run fake or a receiver in the flat and gets burned deep. YOU are the typical fans. But back to the lesbian.

THE TYPICAL FAN MAKES EXCUSES FOR THE QB!!?!!?!?

Holy titmilking cousin of fuck, lady.

Have you paid attention recently?

We ran Neil O'Donnell out of town. For one bad game. In the Super Bowl. Which we didn't get back to for 10 more years, even though our teams were fucking stacked for that decade. Do you think Neil might have led us back to another one? I sure do. But it was not to be, as Usain Bolt couldn't run out of Pittsburgh faster than Neil O'Donnell did.

We were rewarded with Kordell Stewart, who had a lot of flaws but did get us to a few conference championship games. What happened when he didn't deliver? We decided that he was busy sucking dicks in Schenley Park (even though it was actually in Frick Park, according to a knowledged source).

We ran TERRY FUCKING BRADSHAW out of town. Now you want to run Ben out? For Byron Leftwich, who any team in the NFL could have had for Ford Taurus money? You people want Tomlin gone, too. And Arians, although I can't really argue too much on that one. You want Larry Zierling out of town. Larry Zierling is not the one who gave Max Starks $7 million. You want to sign DeAngelo fucking Hall. You want give 33-year old Faneca $35 million. Let the Jets and the Redskins make those stupid cap moves. That's not how you win Super Bowls. Unless you are playing Madden. If these people that called me a typical Pittsburgh fan were coaching the team, we'd have a new QB and a new coaching staff and a new RB and a new everything every fucking year. We'd build a Madden team and be crushed by the cap in 3 years, underperforming the entire way. The only constants would be Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu. Ike Taylor would be gone, but the corpse of Ty Law would be fucking LOCKING IT DOWN out there. Jerome Bettis would come back and dance around for 2 yards a carry, but he would kick up a cloud of fucking dust and it would be Steeler football and we can all be happy and go 6-10 and be SMASHMOUTH.

You wanted to run on 3rd and 1, and you got it the past two weeks. We got stuffed. It fucking happens. That's the NFL. So just shut the fuck up if you don't have anything resembling a logical sentence to say, and let me enjoy the game and high-five me when Ben hits Hines for a 15 yard touchdown or Harrison and Woodley crush the quarterback and knock the ball lose or Troy makes a sick interception. Wave your flags around when Jeff Reed hits a clutch field goal or Big Snack stuffs somebody on a 3rd and 1 play or Willie Parker breaks a 20 yard run outside. But don't yell about firing Tomlin when they have to punt or about putting in Leftwich when Ben throws an incompletion or replacing Ike when he breaks up one of the rare passes that QBs even throw at him without picking it off. Because I don't want to hear it, and I'm going to argue with you, and I'm going to insult you and my insults will be better than yours. And this is going to happen everytime you say something stupid and imply that you know anything that is going on better than I do and I should even give you the time of day. Because you are fucking retarded and it's hurting my face. So stop it.