Forget about the dicks today and be heard

Greetings, Floridians, from Governor Charlie Crist. Today marks a huge day in our nation's democratic tradition...our voting day. And regardless of whom you are voting for, it is essential that you forget about the dicks today and cast your vote.

Please, I urge you all...ignore the dicks for one day and get to the polls. Have your voice be heard. Keep the gears of democracy well-oiled and in motion. Forget about the dicks. Trust me, after you have returned from the polls with that good feeling that you just voiced your opinions to the country, a country in which your opinion carries just as much weight as everybody else's, that post-vote dick is going to taste like heaven. I fully expect you all to go straight to the dicks after you vote. I myself will be guzzling more dick than the Houston 500 Gangbang after making my choices, enjoying every single drop of well-earned sperm that I can vacuum out of those dicks with my mouth. But first, we have a decision to make.

This election comes at a time in which the pillars of our nation are beginning to show some stress. A time in which we need to be sure to elect a leader with the strength and courage to restore the balance of these pillars and perpetuate the growth of our nation as we aim to stay in our rightful position as the world's beacon of freedom and prosperity. This is not a time to worry about dicks. Trust me, Florida, tonight we will exhibit our freedoms to all of the eyes that are upon us by frotting like rockstars as we tangle our dicks together in celebration of our nation and everything it was founded on. I will have so many balls in my mouth tonight that my dog would be jealous. But first, my country calls upon me. And your country calls upon you. Carry out your civic duty now. The dicks can wait.

Please, Florida, heed my messages. Get out there and vote. Get out there and make your voice heard...the voice that this great nation gives you. This is the greatest nation in the world, the only place where citizens are truly equal and truly share the same rights and privileges. And while the dick is one of these rights, and a very important one at that, voting is an even greater task to take on than even the biggest of big swinging dicks. So I urge you, get out there and vote. The dicks can wait.

Shady?

I just got back from taking on the polls earlier (lololol), and while the experience wasn't bad, it was kind of shady getting there. The local polling station was inside of a trailer park with a front gate that just happened to be down, just like the picture above. No signs, no nothing before the gate. The person ahead of me turned around, and so did I. Then I thought...no, that can't be right, and turned back around. A lady in the booth will then let you in. Not a hassle or anything, but it...just seemed a bit shady. I'm skeptical, and I'm not usually one for these kinds of theories.

The people voting at this location were those that lived in my apt. complex, and those that lived in the trailer park complex. Judging from the signs and things I heard from the people (one older lady told another older lady that she was moving to "coal country", to which the other lady excitedly remarked "Palin country!", and the other old lady was like...no, coal country), the 55+ trailer park tilted to the right. My apartment complex, however, is mostly young people and college students. I'm just guessing that we would tilt left, although I have nothing else to base this on (there are no political signs in my complex, so it could be that you either aren't allowed to display them or people just don't give a fuck).

Now, the most likely scenario is that this was coincidental that the gates were down and hypothetical there were potential Republican voters inside and Democratic voters coming in. They could have just not thought anything of it since the gates are down everyday (having the polls in a gated community is kind of shady in itself, though). But...couldn't they have just left the gates up today? Or put a sign on the way to the gates? Just seems like they will end up keeping a few people out, and my gut feeling is that someone made these decisions on purpose.

Am I crazy? Or maybe just wrong?

Jesus endorses third-party candidate

Jesus explains the rationale behind his decision to an undecided ACORN voter in Macon, GA.

ATLANTA, GA - Republican and Democratic strategists alike are rushing to defend both their candidates and Jesus Christ himself after Christ's unexpected announcement in support of Bob Barr's presidential campaign. Despite the Democrats assertions that Jesus would support their social programs intended to support poorer Americans and Republican claims that Jesus would support their steadfast opposition to abortions and gay marriage, Jesus cited a lifelong Libertarian tilt and a support of the true free market capitalistic system that Barr represents.

"My son, Bob Barr, is the only candidate for president in this election that stands a chance to fix the American economy", stated Christ at a press conference in Atlanta. "While my sons Barack Obama and John McCain are both good men with good intentions, they really don't understand the intracacies of the economy anywhere near the level that Bob Barr does. That is why I'm endorsing Bob Barr in this election".

Christ's speech was met with racous cheers from the Barr crowd, who were looking for any glimmer of hope and have gone as far as trying to have messrs. Obama and McCain removed from the Texas ballot over a missed registration deadline. "This is the break we've been looking for", claimed Barr supporter Richard Webster of Augusta, GA. "To have Christ endorse Bob might get enough Republican and Democrat voters to swing to us that we may be able to do something come November fourth".

Republicans and Democrats alike rushed to defend their candidates while at the same time making sure not to appear derivise at all to Mr. Christ.

"We obviously don't think that Christ would suffer any lacks in judgment", opined McCain advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer. "We still feel that John McCain is the best man for the job and we believe that the American people will come to this realization as well on Election Day. Not that Christ is wrong or anything, because he's not, it's just that...well, Christ doesn't...I mean, he certainly understands the issues, but he's just voting based on slightly different needs than the average hard-working American citizen." Pfotenhauer quickly added "not that Christ can't identify with them or isn't hard-working himself".

Obama advisor Tony McPeak suffered similar difficulties in explaining away Mr. Christ's announcement. "Jesus was...no, is a great man. He's an incredible man. And as he said during his speech, he still believes in Barack Obama's capability to handle the presidency. And we agree with him." McPeak later added "Jesus hasn't been feeling the economic crunch that most Americans have and might not have all the knowledge available on the health care issue facing the United States. Not that he couldn't immediately pick it up if he wanted to, which he could. It might just be that he doesn't have access to all of the information out there. He would have no problem getting it and understanding it, though. He'd certainly be a quick study."

Not all Obama supporters were as lukewarm about their deference to Mr. Christ's reasoning.

"Seriously? This again?", remarked political comic Bill Maher on Fox and Friends yesterday afternoon, sparking harsh criticism from the show's hosts. "Obama said [rural voters] were clinging to their guns and religion, and here they go again. You really think Jesus supports a pro-gun agenda? He's not registered to vote anyway!".

Jesus Christ is currently registered to vote in 7 US states and Guam, although the legality of these registrations has been questioned by election officials.

Fuck it. I'm eliminating taxes.

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Debate Recap with Jim Breuer

Heyyyyyy there kiddos DID you SEE the DEBATE LASt niGHt? It was a debate bETWEEn two PREEEESSIDENTIAL CANANANANANDIDATES for the office of PRESIDENT! You KNEW there was goiNG to BE EXcitemeNT!!!1.

First, TEH MODERATOR was ALL like "welcome, senators Obama and McCain", and then they were all like, "thank you, Mr. moderatorguywiththequestions". And then he sat them down and started ASSSSSSSKING THEM questionszzsz. And it started offf with the economy ch-ch-ching chang! Ching chang ch-ch-ching! Obama's like, "yo, mothafuckas I'm gonna raise taxes on the rich and lower them on the mothafuckin' workin class yo" and McCain was like "my friends, do you want Senator Obama to take your money and redistribute zzzzzzzzzz" and Obama was like, "yo this cracka be trippin'", and McCain was all like "GET OFF MY LAWN!", and it was craaaaAAAZzzzYyyyYY! I was like, whogonnagetmy vooooooooooooooote? I'm just a guy skipping through a forest with my vote, yeah my vote, here's my vote, wanna see my vote hehehehehehehehehahahahahahahahah!

Then the modddddERATOr asked them if they were gonna say the neggggggggative things they've been campaigning about, you know, "hey, I'm that dude running for president and I approved this message" and like, "hey, you know the other guy wants to tax your thoughts" and that shhhhtufffff. And McCain's like, "Schenator Obama has not redispudiatered the remarks of Random Anderson", and Obama's like lol, and Obama's like "they yell stuff like TERRORIST, BOOM BOOM bombity bomb bomb at your rallies John", and John's like "I repubiated all of the attacksh", and Obama's like, "whatever", and McCain's like, "pssssssh" and like, fuck, man, it was crazy! CRAZY OH MAN I'M CRAZY WATCH ME EAT MY FACE LIKE IT WAS CELERY hahahahahahahahheheehheheheheheheheheheheheeh!!!!

And then Moderator Jones asked about the runningggg mates, HEY, LOOOK at me I'm RUNNING and I'm someone's MATE I'M A RunnING MatE!!!!!! Obama's like "Sarah Paylin is ehhhhh uhhhh she's honorable and uhhhhhhh she's been in uhhhhhh government" and he wanted to just say "yo playa, she's a fuckwad, she's like a big wad of fuck" but he couldn't CUZ IT WUZZZZZZ A DEBATES. And McCaaaaaaain's like "Joe Biden is an honorable American but he's always wrong because he wanted to turn Iraq into a rectangle and I hate rectanglesh but he's still a man of honor an honorable man" and no one really answered the QUESS?SSSTIO?NNNN!!!! beep beep beep I'm backing up beep beep to the projector and spending beeeeeeeeeeeeep

McCain keeeeeeps Talksing about the ovvvvverHEAD PROjectORRRRR that Obama spent like THREE BILLION DOLLARS ON and it PROJECTS planeeeeetttttts oohhhhhh I'm orbiting the Sun right now I'm a plaaaaaneeeeeetttttttt, if I were an R&B singing planet I'd be Planet Jackson heheheheheheheheheh!!!!! And McCain's like Subzero from Mortal Kombat because he looks at spending and he's like, "I'm going to freeze you, my friend" and he's like "I'm going to cut pork with a hatchet and a scalpel" and Obama's like "yeah, it really is a scapel" and McCain's like, "no, it's more like a hacksaw" and Obama's like, "actually, it's more like a samurai sword", and McCain's like, "NO, IT'S MORE LIKE A HIGH-POWERED CUTTING LASER SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED TO CUT EXCESS SPENDING FROM FEDERAL BUDGETS" and SMOKE smokes out of his ears and he's like gonna BLOWWWWW booooooom explosion POW POW ping ping pow and Obama's like ok ok, it's a lay-zerrrrrrr bzzzzzzzzzzzzz. So Obama's like, let's create jobs.

And then my sink got clogged, so I called JOEOEOEOEOEOOE the PLUMBBBBBBer. Joe plumbed and plumbed and splish splash he was making a bath in there and he's like who should I vote for and McCain's like, "Joe, I'll cut your taxes" and Obama's like "Joe, I'm trying to make it a favorable climate for more Joes to come out and Joe like you" and McCain's like, "Joe, I don't want to take your money" and Obama's like, "Joe, I'm not going to hurt your bizness fact is I'll make healthcare cheaper" and McCain's like, "Joe, Obama will fine you" and Obama's like "no I won't I want to make it easier for you to get healthcare, and McCain's like "ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" and Obama's like "pssssh lies" and IT'S LIKE THAT YO BOOM CH BOOM BOOM CHH I'm beatboxing dog!

Then Obama's like, "you are Bush" and McCain's like, "no, Bush ran 4 years ago, you should have ran then" and Obama's like, "well, you are like Bush" and McCain's like "pssssh no I'm not I'm a fucking maverick I disagree with my party all the time" and Obama's like, "no you don't" and McCain's like, "look at my record" and Obama's like, "I have" and McCain's like, "look again" and no one got anywhere just sat there running in PLAAAAYYYAAAAYAAAACE!!!!!! Jog jog jog in plaaaaaace! But the Cardinals won woooooooooooooo!

But ACORNS and OTHER FORMS OF NUTS and DOMESTIC ABUSING TERRORISTS were brought uppppp up up and away! And Obama's like "I'm not involved" and McCain's like "you are involved and it's messing up democracy" and Obama's like "nuh uh" and McCain's like "uh huh" and the moderators like "make 'em say uhhhhhhh!" and McCain's like "uhhhh" and the moderator's like "na na na na" and Obama's like, "I'm the colonel of the mothafuckin' tank!", and they sang it out and shook hands like SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE, SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE, SHAKE THOSE HAAAAAANDS and that was THE Enddddd hehehehehehehhahhaahahahhaahah oh my God it was CRAAAAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! PEEEEACE outttttttt guysss and galzzzzzzzz!!!!

Just fuck me, America

Ya know, America, it's been tough row to hoe here to the white house but we've hoed it just as doggone well as we can. John and I are the kind of people that you and yours can identify with, Americans proud of their country. If ya ask me, our country has never been better. Never been stronger, never been safer, never been more free. And we intend to keep it that way and to keep our beloved land safe from....from, ya know, foreign attacks by terrorists who hate the fact that we are so darn free!

We've made our positions clear...we are on your side! We want to lower taxes because we know how you guys are feelin' out there feelin' the credit crunch and all-a-that pain at the pump. We've made it clear that we believe that this country was founded under God and that we need to live our lives in the manner that He intended for us to. We are appalled at all the innocent fetuses that get the darn RU-486 and get sucked right outta those vaginas. And we surely are not gonna cut and run out of Iraq until we have Bin Laden hung up in the White House lawn.

Barack Obama does not see America that way, guys and gals. Barack Obama wants to tell you how to live your life while he's out palling around with domestic terrorists! These guys are like Al Qaeda in Birkenstocks! God gave us all of this energy to use, and we need to drill it here so that we don't have to import it outta them Mid-Eastern places. By golly, we've got all of this oil sitting right here in the good ol' U S of A and the Democrats don't wanna let us get it outta the darn ground! Well, it's gettin' close to the election and I need to start being direct with you, America. I need you to know how I feel.

I just want you to fuck me, America.

I want you to pull up my skirt and shove it so darn far in me that I'll feel like I just did one of those dirty movies with Mandingo. I want you to drill me like ANWR, America. Oh my, I feel so good when you treat me like a dirty little schoolgirl slut. Plus it helps me relate to my daughter!

America, I'll let you put it anywhere you want to put it. You guys can fill up every single hole I have. Just pound away, America, pound away like a jackhammer on my uterus. Show me your bridge to nowhere, big guy, and I'll show you somewhere you can connect it to. Just grab me and choke me, America...please, make me feel naughty. Fuck me like I stole something. Oh God, America, I'll be so hot for you...turn me around and make me bite a pillow. Fuck me harder than I've ever been fucked, just like the glorious nation you are...swear at me, call me whatever you want, it will only turn me on more...oh fuck the hell out of me, America!

Just keep fucking me...fuck harder America FUCK HARDER!!! Have your way with me, America...slap me, choke me, pull my hair out of that little knot I tie it into...fuck the GILF right out of me, guys! DON'T STOP AMERICA! DON'T STOP!!!! Oh, rough me up...oh my God I feel dirty...fuck me like want to see what crazy fucking name I'll give to our kid, America! Actually, you probably are curious.

Are you about to finish, America? I'll pull it out and shove it straight in my mouth like a homeless chick at a breakfast buffet. Give it to me, America, every last delicious drop of freedom you have, I'll suck it right out of you...pull it out, put it on my face....put it in my hair, rub it on my chin, fuck, I don't care, put it in my eye, make me wink at you...it's all up to you, America. Anytime you need some more, you know where to find me.

Alright, now get the fuck out.

Rev. Ray

OMG, I feel that familiar tingling in my change bones again! What could be going on now?


Oh, hey hippie.


OMG it's you! IT'S YOU!!! I CAN'T BEGIN TO...wait? Who the fuck is that bitch?


Hey, Barack. Hey, hippie.


Hey, Sarah.



*melts into a puddle of rainbows*


Well that's a shame.


Don't worry about it. Ready to go into this new church? I've heard some pretty good things about it.


Yeah, I'm excited to get into a normal church so that darn media has nothing to talk about, ya know?

Oh, I know, Sarah. I know. Oh, looks like mass is about to start. We had better get a seat. After you.


Oh, you're such a gentleman, Barry!


This preacher looks a bit odd to me.



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU FIRED UP! I'M FIRED UP! WOOOOOO! EVERYBODY PLEASE RISE AND DO YOUR DANCE!

WOOOOOO!


Now this is weird.


Wooooooooooooooo! Welcome all y'all, thanks for coming. God's LB 'bout to break the Lord down all over that ass. God's LB 'bout to tell y'all 'bout temptation and lead y'all asses from evil. Because Christ not only plays through me, he preach through me. I'm that mouthpiece, but my vision stays part of my eyes which are firmly attached to my face and my body which stands on the ground THAT HE CREATED in spikes that WERE MADE IN ASIA, but, really, the Lord created Asia, so the Lord done created...he done created these spikes. Can I get an Amen?


What did he just say?


Now we must allow ourselves to accept the Lord with arms wide open, the Lord's arms, which he placed upon us, the Lord, created our arms, and thus my arms, as, even though I can cover sideline to sideline and you can barely keep a job at Giant Eagle, I cover sideline to sideline for the Lord, and you work at Giant Eagle for the Lord, so thus, we are coworkers, coworkers for the Lord, and I accept this burden, and I play with this burden on my back, I shoulder it, but with my back, so I guess I back it, because my back...my back, which is part of me, is not my shoulders, although my shoulders is also part of me, and I realized this...I realized this with my mind. Can I get another amen and a dance! WOOOOOOO!


I have no idea what the fuck he just said.

WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR ALL FOR THE LORD, EVERY GAME? EVERY PLAY???


I would give my all for the Lord.


Sarah's absolutely right. I would give my all for the Lord as well.


WOULD YOU GIVE ALL DUE GLORY TO THE LORD AFTER A TACKLE OR SIMILAR BIG PLAY???


Uhhh...I guess? Like after setting a record for most "present" votes?


Or bankrupting my town? Sure, I absolutely would!


WOULD YOU STOP THE RUN FOR THE LORD???


....


?


I SAID, WOULD YOU STAB A MAN FOR JESUS????


Oh my God.


I guess we're fucked again.


WOULD YOU STAB A MAN TO SHOW THAT YOU LOVED THE LORD???? GOD'S LB BABY, I DO WHAT I DO FOR CHRIST!!!


*leaves*


*leaves*

Well, Barry, I guess we'll just have to go back to our old churches.


WILL YOU GO SIDELINE TO SIDELINE STABBING PEOPLE FOR THE LORD??? THE LORD WILL LEAD YOU TO SAFETY FROM PROSECUTION!!!! AMEN!!!!


At least Reverend Wright hasn't lost a step.

My first anti-McCain chain email!

This one didn't actually come to MY email, but it came to a friend's, and that's enough to post it. It is a first person account from a lady who claims to have vacationed with the McCain family in Fiji in 2000. And it's written by another lady. And she wasn't vacationing with the McCains so much as she was there at the same time. Regardless, here it is:

--------------------------------------------

MY HOLIDAY WITH JOHN McCAIN

It was just before John McCain's last run at the presidential nomination in 2000 that my husband and I vacationed in Turtle Island in Fiji with John McCain, Cindy, and their children,
including Bridget (their adopted Bangladeshi child). It was not our intention, but it was our misfortune to be in close quarters with John McCain for almost a week, since Turtle Island has a small number of bungalows and their focus on communal meals force all vacationers who are there at the same time to get to know each other intimately. He arrived at our first group meal and started reading quotes from a pile of William Faulkner books with a forest of Post-Its sticking out of them. I soon realized that McCain actually thought we had come on vacation to be a volunteer audience for his "readings" which then became a regular part of each meal. Out of politeness, none of the vacationers initially protested at this intrusion into their blissful holiday, but people's buttons definitely got pushed as the readings continued day after day.

Unfortunately this was not his only contribution to our mealtime entertainment. He waxed on during one meal about how Indo-Chinese women had the best figures and that our American corn-fed women just couldn't meet up to this standard. He also made it a point that all of us should stop Cindy from having dessert as her weight was too high and made a few comments to Amy, the 25 year old wife of the honeymooning couple from Nebraska that she should eat less as she needed to lose weight. McCain's appreciation of the beauty of Asian women was so great that David the American economist had to move his Thai wife to the other side of the table from McCain as McCain kept aggressively flirting with and touching her.

Needless to say I was irritated at his large ego and his rude behavior towards his wife and other women, but decided he must have some redeeming qualities as he had adopted a handicapped child from Bangladesh. I asked him about this one day, and his response was shocking: "Oh, that was Cindy's idea I didn't have anything to do with it. She just went and adopted this thing without even asking me. You can't imagine how people stare when I wheel this ugly, black thing around in a shopping cart in Arizona. No, it wasn't my idea at all."

I actively avoided McCain after that, but unfortunately one day he engaged me in a political discussion which soon got us on the topic of the active US bombing of Iraq at that time. I was shocked when he said, "If I was in charge, I would nuke Iraq to teach them a lesson." Given McCain's personal experience with the horrors of war, I had expected a more balanced point of view. I commented on the tragic consequences of the nuclear attacks on Japan during WWII - but no, he was not to be dissuaded. He went on to say that if it was up to him he would have dropped many more nuclear bombs on Japan. I rapidly extricated myself from this conversation as I could tell that his experience being tortured as a POW didn't seem to have mellowed out his perspective, but rather had made him more aggressive and vengeful towards the world.

My final encounter with McCain was on the morning that he was leaving Turtle Island. Amy and I were happily eating pancakes when McCain arrived and told Amy that she shouldn't be having pancakes because she needed to lose weight. Amy burst into tears at this abusive comment. I felt fiercely protective of Amy and immediately turned to McCain and told him to leave her alone. He became very angry and abusive towards me, and said, "Don't you know who I am?" I looked him in the face and said, "Yes, you are the biggest asshole I have ever met," and headed back to my cabin. I am happy to say that later that day when I arrived at lunch I was given a standing ovation by all the guests for having stood up to McCain's bullying.

Although I have shared my McCain story informally with friends, this is the first time I am making this public. I almost did so in 2000, when McCain first announced his bid for the Republican nomination, but it soon became apparent that George Bush was the shoo-in candidate and so I did not act then. However, now that there is a very real possibility that
McCain could be elected as our next president, I feel it is my duty as an American citizen to share this story. I can't imagine a more scary outcome for America than that this abusive, aggressive man should lead our nation. I have observed him in intimate surroundings as he really is, not how the media portrays him to be. If his attitudes toward women and his treatment of his own family are even a small indicator of his real personality, then I shudder to think what will happen to America were he to be elected as our President.

--------------------------------------------

Sure. Also, the formatting weirdness in there is from the site I copied it from, and naturally magnified by Blogger. Because Blogger is terrible with formatting. Whatevs.

I would wager unprotected ass rape from Magic Johnson against $5 that this is not true. It's making the rounds now, and morons everywhere are jumping all over it to ever jack off on it or jack off defending McCain against the falsehoods. Me? I'm just jacking it because I like to shoot sperms.

And trust me, while I might not be asking for seconds on Obama's hope and change soup (naturally a government handout coming from a soup kitchen), I am not a McCain fan. The guy has obviously changed for the worse in the interests of becoming electable to the base, while still trying to maintain those qualities that endeared him to the independents and the near-left. Well, he failed miserably. BUT....but....I don't see any chance in hell that this is true. I also saw another version that mentioned something about the writer being an English literature major and therefore someone who was wondering why McCain couldn't remember any of the lines from these books that he supposedly loved and needed all of the post-it notes. When it was found out to not jive with the life of the person who was credited with writing this, it was probably taken out.

But...it really was nice to get ridiculous anti-McCain email to go with all of the ridiculous anti-Obama anti-Muslim emails I'm used to. You go, America!

Roll Muslim Tide

Polls are indicating the likelihood of a Muslim Presidency. This is going to be the end of America as we know it...instead of bringing the fight to the terrorists (or at least to countries that are near the countries that the terrorists supposedly live in), we are going to invite the terrorists over for games of dodgeball on American soil. And American dodgeball courts. However, terrorists don't use regular dodgeballs. They use bombs. Disguised as dodgeballs. That explode.

You had better get to Men's Wearhouse now. If you want a nice suit, and the feeling that you will like the way you look, well...I've got news for you. Soon, you are going to show up to your local Men's Wearhouse to find that it has been changed to Muslim Wearhouse and sells nothing but sand robes. Will you like the way you look? Who knows, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T READ ARABIC.

Disappointed, you head out to the local park to clear your head. But what do you see there? COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS!!!! Getting the kids to do terrorist things like Arts and Crafts and basketball! You sit there and shake your head, knowing that the most prominent community organizers in the world are the Taliban, who organized a community full of Muslims that would like nothing more than to come over and Muslim-up your way of living.

Unfazed, you draw upon the strength of the founding fathers and emphatically declare that you are going to do something before the Muslims Muslim up our country, which was founded on not recognizing any official religions on a government level. You decide that while Sarah Palin is pretty damn regular, she's not quite regular enough because while she does shoot some moose from a helicopter...you don't even own a helicopter. And you weren't a beauty queen when you were younger...she isn't all that regular now, is she? You know who you are voting for. Someone that could be appointed Secretary of Regular Joes. Someone so regular that you can identify with. You are voting for...Jim from Accounts Payable.


Jim is so fucking regular that he will never need to use any Metamucil. Jim works from 9 to 5 every day, just like the rest of us regular Joes. And Jims. And Jim drives a Chevy Cobalt, which is so regular and American and dependable and hard-working. The car is actually hard-working. Almost as hard working as Jim, who regularly has to be told to use up his vacation days before he loses them. Only thing is, Jim doesn't take vacations. Vacations are for elites. And Muslims. Elite Muslims...the worst kind of Muslim.

Jim graduated from Ohio University with a 2.46 GPA in Business. He partied kind of hard, but never too hard that he missed church. However, this wasn't one of Sarah Palin's crazy witch doctor churches, which you can't relate with. Or one of Barack Obama's kill whitey churches, which you can relate with but in a bad way because you are whitey and they want to kill you just like the Muslims do. Can you imagine having to hide from the President because he wants to kill you? No you cannot. And neither can Jim.

Jim lives in a modest house with his wife of 3 years and their young son, Stan. Can you relate with that? Hell yes. You aren't naming your kids anything stupid like Trig or Calc. Stan? That's an American name. And it doesn't have Hussein in it, or even sound anything like Hussein. The closest thing it sounds like? Plan. And while Jim doesn't really have one, you are sure he could come up with one if he needed to. And it would be regular, and you could understand it. Which is odd, because you don't necessarily feel that national economic plans should be on your level, but it still makes you feel important like you helped out with it or something.

You are doing your part for America in 2008. When it's sink or swim, vote for Jim. It's that simple. And you won't be surprised when you feel just a bit Presidential once Jim takes office. Because you'll feel like you just took office with him.

O to the MFG, we gots a VP debate tonight!!!!

Holy hell, dogs and female dogs...big match-up tonight!!! Who yinz got?

We've got Joe Biden, who has said a lot of sketchy non-truths in the press that he's been called out on by the opposition!

And we've also got Sarah Palin, who has said a lot of sketchy non-truths in the press that ahe's been called out on by the opposition!

Both from small states that no one cares about. Both have pandered to Steeler fans recently. And both have children that have had unprotected intercourse. It's really a tough decision.

Although I'm 90% positive that I could defeat Sarah Palin in an Alaskan geographical challenge, the fact remains that she has governed the fuck out of the largest state in the union for the past 18 months. Important issues such as how much oil should go down the pipeline, where should we drill for oil, should we fix these parts of the pipeline up, and receiving the oil from the other side of the pipeline have been tackled like James Harrison destroying a Browns fan. Also, in case you weren't aware, Alaska borders the Arctic Ocean, making Palin an expert on Nuclear Icebreaker ships and the mating habits of polar bears. This is one well-versed woman, regardless of the fact that she probably couldn't even tell you why Roe v. Wade made abortions cool again. Just like stunner shades.

Biden, on the other hand...Biden wants to abort every single fetus he comes across, to the point where he was ex-communicated from Scranton. You listen and you listen good, Rev. Joseph Martino...Joe Biden will not sleep until your church is surrounded by a 23-foot deep lake of fetus. Joe Biden wants our streets to become rivers of fetuses, upon which he will sail on Jerry Falwell's homophobic corpse. But Biden also has a smooth side, vowing to keep us calm in the middle of crisis just like Abraham Lincoln did in 1863 when he parachuted into the Rose Bowl during halftime to give a speech regarding Appamattox. So deepthroat on those apples, Confederates.

I'm thinking this one comes down to the points where Jesus tells Sarah Palin what to say and how often he does it. Because, come on pagans...you don't think Jesus would lose to Joe Biden in a debate, do you? Hopefully this plays heavily to our country's ridiculous fascinations with abortion and gay marriage. If there's one thing I haven't heard enough of, it's that.

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Hi, I'm John McCain and both me and my golden Livestrong bracelet approved this message.

OMG, I feel a tingling in my changebones. That must mean Obama is near!

That is not a tingling sensation in your changebones, hippie. That sensation is one of fear. And the real fear should be that of your puppy.


My puppy is in danger?


Your puppy will be in danger if we allow Obama to take over the White House, hippie. Obama voted against a bill outlawing puppy rape and puppybortions. Obama supports puppy rape and the puppy rapists who rape puppies.



We cannot allow this man to have legislation over our puppies. But that is not all. John McCain supports off-shore drilling. Barack Obama supports graphic sex-education for kindergarteners. Barack Obama wants to drill inside your 7 year old daughter.


Barack Obama wants to have sex with my pre-teen daughter? OMG, maybe I am not experiencing joyful hopespasms...


There's more. On top of raping our puppies and having sex with our 7 year old daughters, Barack Obama voted Yes on mandatory homosexuality in the military. John McCain has always supported our troops. Barack Obama wants to turn our troops gay.

Gay change is not change that we can believe in! But, Obama is one of us!


Obama is not one of us, hippie. When Obama plays Halo 3 on the internet, he does so not as a smalltown Spartan soldier, but as one of those alien Elites.



Barack Obama is not one of us. He is an Elite on XBox Live. An Elite puppy-raping kidfucker...is this change we can count on, America?


I'm John McCain, and some people will believe this message.