Mike Celizic brings me back

As you may have heard, a no-name pitcher from Detroit nearly threw a perfect game yesterday against the Cleveland Indians. Armando Galarraga retired the first 26 batters, bringing up number 27 with the chance to make (recently watered down, but still) history...induced a ground ball that first baseman Miguel Cabrera fielded....threw to Galarraga at first...and the umpire, Tim Joyce, called the runner safe.

Video showed otherwise.

So, after Galarraga retired the next batter, there is a bit of an outcry for Bud Selig to change the call.

Now, whether you think he should or not, if you can't see both sides of this issue, then you're crazy. If you think Bud Selig is an idiot for not changing it, you are insane. If you think changing this call means that Selig now has to change every borderline call in every single game from this point forward, then you are also insane.

No matter which decision Selig decided to make, people would be all over him for it. Because he's Bud Selig. Selig decided that the call would stand. Mike Celizic decided that this displayed a lack of leadership. Celizic, however, is clearly insane.



You should have reversed the call, Bud. For the first time in your irresolute reign as commissioner of Major League Baseball, you could have been a leader.

I don't get it. Sure, Selig may not be the best commissioner in baseball history. But people pile on him like no other sporting executive. Roger Goodell doesn't get this much criticism. So Selig called an All-Star game a tie. Who the fuck cares? It's an exhibition game. Is that not leadership? What should he have done? Do you think whoever was managing the Cubs at that time would have liked seeing Sammy Sosa pitch in an All-Star game? You blew it, Bud. Could have been a leader! Honestly, someone please explain how Selig deciding this case either way shows leadership or a lack thereof. I'll be here all week.




When you have the ability to correct an injustice, you also have an obligation to do just that. Bud Selig had the ability and the authority to reverse umpire Jim Joyce’s blown call and declare Armando Galarraga the newest owner of a perfect game.

Bud Selig also had the ability to call whoever hit the flyball that Jeffrey Maier caught for a homerun out. He could have corrected that injustice. Replay was pretty clear that it wouldn't have been a homerun. I guess Selig could have called it a double and resumed the game from there. And that would have been INSANE.

Bud Selig may not want to open the door to commissioner-revised calls. And whether you agree with him or not, you should be able to see where he's coming from. Unless you are Mike Celizic and you like to argue just for the sake of arguing.




What’s great about this is that the situation is unique. It’s never happened that a pitcher lost a perfect game on the last out because of a clear mistake by an umpire that’s right there on a DVD for all to see. So there is no precedent to break, just one to set.

There is the precedent that commissioners don't change calls retroactively. Who cares how unique it is? A commissioner has never throw the first pitch on opening day with his dick out. Doesn't automatically make it a good idea.





Correcting Joyce’s call from safe to out would have taken a hit away from Jason Donald and an at bat away from Tim Crowe, who got to make the final out after Donald was declared safe. Crowe certainly wouldn't have objected to losing an at-bat that resulted in an out, and Donald shouldn't complain about losing a hit he neither earned nor deserved.

Probably true.





This was a no-brainer decision, which means Selig was singularly qualified to make it. There were no ramifications other than to correct an egregious injustice and relieve Joyce of the crushing guilt he feels at having blown the biggest call of his life. The game result would remain the same. The score would remain the same.

This is not a no-brainer decision. This is the commissioner stepping in and changing a call. That NEVER fucking happens. Does it? If it does, show me where. Selig absolutely could not win here, no matter which way he decided to act.

Like it or not, this would set a precedent that is...that is unprecedented. Or something.





The argument against changing the call is that it lets the night crawlers out of the can. If you correct this call, then you have to correct others, starting with Don Denkinger’s blown call in Game 6 of the 1985 World Series between the Royals and the Cardinals.

Those damn night crawlers. Some people think this may open Pandora's rectangular storage contraption. I disagree. Anyway, if a Douglas Fir falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, can you really detect any decibels? As a wise man once said, give a man a rainbow trout, you'll feed him for...I have no idea where I'm going with this. Who the fuck says night crawlers instead of worms?





It’s a convenient argument raised by people who can’t bring themselves to do the right thing. After all, baseball has been doing the wrong thing and defending it as tradition for more than a century. Acting against reason is a hallmark of the game.

Yes. You had better hope that you don't suffer a heart attack around people who raise this argument. BECAUSE THEY WILL STAND THERE AND WATCH YOU DIE.





Football fans have to be laughing themselves silly over this. Their sport has a mechanism to correct bad calls, so this doesn’t happen in football games. It wouldn’t happen in a basketball game, either, where officials can check the replay to determine if a last-second shot is a two-pointer or a three-pointer and whether the player got it off before or after the buzzer.

Yeah, watching an umpire blow a perfect game for a guy who will almost certainly never have this chance again has me LOL-ing.




But not baseball. Baseball is a game that insists on doing things the old-fashioned way for no good reason other than that’s the way it’s always been done. That’s how the game managed to get to 1947 before it allowed a black to play. It’s why the game tolerated and even encouraged cheating by pitchers for generations. It’s why the game continues its inexplicable and indefensible opposition to replay for anything other than home run calls.

Baseball, football, hell....fucking AMERICA didn't let black people play during this time period, either. Do you think baseball was staging race riots or something? Was it baseball that had whites-only drinking fountains? Was baseball barring black players from attending the same high schools as white players? Black Americans were only allowed to do two things in 1942...shine shoes and play jazz. That's it. So don't blame this blown call on Satchel Paige.



But the ban on blacks was broken and cheating by pitchers has been eliminated. So saying that this call cannot be changed because baseball has never done such a thing before is not a valid argument. In the old days, the technology didn’t exist. Now it does.

You have to be fucking joking. Now that black players are allowed to play in the major leagues, you can't say that this is a bad idea because it's never been done before? Holy fucking mother of God Shammgod. He's right...change everything you feel like changing. Black people are now part of the fabric of our great national pastime.

Also, Celizic railing about baseball being stuck in the past and not catching up with time is absolutely hilarious. Just read the first entry here.




Besides, baseball does have a mechanism for changing results. It’s called the protest, and, while it doesn’t apply to blown calls, the intention of the protest rule — to correct a violation of the rules of the game — is the same. And a protest can change a result. This would not.

Then why don't they protest?




The good thing about this controversy is that it turns up the pressure on Selig to allow replay on such calls, and the sooner the better. Others have weighed in on that issue, so all I’ll say is that at the same time Selig announces that Donald was out, he should also announce a replay system. I’d give each manager one challenge a game, with a league official in a booth to demand replays of questionable last-inning calls. Do it right and it won’t add appreciably to the length of the games.

I would absolutely love to see what Celizic's thoughts on instant replay were...oh, last week. As I saw written elsewhere...if you weren't for instant replay before but are not strongly behind it...fuck you.





In any event, umpires aren’t wrong that often. In most games, the replay would never come up.  

I bet it would come up almost every single game.




But that’s for the future. Selig had to break another stupid tradition and reversed this call. It wasn't a matter of exercising his discretion, but of doing his duty to the game.

It’s not about games that happened last year or last century or in 1985 in Kansas City. It’s about a unique situation that happened yesterday. 

You could have started a new tradition, Bud. Call it “doing the right thing” or “simple justice.” You could even go back to the commissioner’s catch-all explanation for everything: the integrity of the game. 

If this didn't qualify as a matter of integrity, nothing does. 

Oh, fuck you, Mike Celizic. Integrity? You have to be joking. Not changing this call shows a lack of integrity? That is absolute balderdash! It's rubbish! Honestly, just like leadership...does integrity even come into play either way here?

What a bad day to be Budmund F. Selig.

Old RBs

Sweet, an old ass running back from Latrobe!

But that's not what I meant by old. I mean old as in, they are old men. They are over 30! OMG! Old ass men toting the rock. And during my rounds today, I came across an article at Bleacher Report (I don't know why I even bother with that site, but I do) questioning that notion because, well, I mean...Thomas Jones ran for a lot of yards last year and he was old!

The running back used to be the premier position in the National Football League, but in recent years teams have adopted a platoon or running back by committee approach. Not long ago we were talking about Emmitt Smith, Barry Sanders, Herschel Walker, and players of that caliber.

Ahhh, yes...Herschel Walker. He of the one season over 270 carries and 1,100 yards. He was the definition of "feature back". But I digress...I get the point. Many more RBs by committee these days, it seems. That is purely anecdotal and I'm not researching it either, because I have THINGS TO DO.

Every year there is a new young running back that breaks on the scene; Chris Johnson, Beanie Wells, and Ray Rice. Those names do not invoke the type of nostalgia, or even excitement for the most part.

Yes, Chris Johnson had a good season, coming close to breaking the single season rushing yardage record and many exciting runs of 50-plus yards along the way. But none of the players I named have any signature moments that will last for decades, because in the next four years most of them will have diminished playing time or looking for another team.

Hmm. Maybe. Quite possibly so. Outside of the part where Chris Johnson doesn't invoke excitement. That's ridiculous. The mere mention of Chris Johnson's name could get Terri Schiavo's dick hard. Saying "CJ" around the elderly is considered more dangerous than yelling "bomb" in a movie theater. Well...it would be if people still went to movie theaters. But you get my point. Chris Johnson is so exciting that I have to go and change my pants. I'll be right back. In the meantime, take it away, "Marcus S" of Bleacher Report:

If you doubt this theory, see if you can name the backup running backs for Emmitt Smith, Barry Sanders, Herschel Walker, and Eric Dickerson. But I am quite sure you can name the backups for the former three players I mentioned.

 Uhhh...no, I can't. But...you want to cite Eric Dickerson and Herschel Walker as players who wouldn't change teams or have diminished roles? Dickerson peaked in his second year. Check it out for yourself. He set the NFL record for yardage that season and averaged 5.6 yards per carry, however, he never exceeded 4.6 in that department during the remainder of his career. He was at least a full yard-per-carry worse for the remainer of his career. He ran for 2,105 at age 24 and then exceeded 1,500 yards in a season only twice before he retired, needing NFL-record levels of carries to do so. In fact, he is a perfect argument against what Marcus S is trying to suggest. Same with Walker. Huge peak season at 26, barely anything after being traded to Minnesota. These guys kill your argument, Marcus!

Teams are finding more creative ways to save money and maximize their talent, but to in essence de-emphasize a position across the board is almost unheard of.

Yeah, if they don't have players of Walker's or Dickerson's caliber. Chris Johnson had almost 360 carries last year. Steven Jackson is definitely the go-to guy on the Rams. These guys do exist. But when you're the Houston Texans and you have someone like Steve Slaton leading the way, you may mix some other guys in. Look at the 1983 New Orleans Saints. They didn't have any Hall of Famers at RB and split carries almost evenly between George Rogers and Wayne Wilson (who?). In fact, they beat Rogers to death in his first year, giving him 378 carries as he rushed for almost 1,700 yards. He only exceeded 300 carries once more in his career, five years later in Washington. You know, maybe more teams do this kind of stuff now, but it really is starting to look to me like it's not some kind of crazy new NFL wizardry. It's been going on for as long as running backs have been getting repeatedly tackled by large men.

This strategy has reached a new level in the past few weeks as Brian Westbrook, former standout running back for the Philadelphia Eagles, LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers, and Thomas Jones from the New York Jets were all cut by their respective teams.

Yeah, because they are all old. And they are under contract for a fuckton of money. You don't think that their original teams would have liked to keep them around at lower rates?

Emmitt Smith finished his career washed up in Arizona. He started to decline much like Tomlinson did, only he was about 2 or 3 years older when it happened. Probably helped that he was running behind an offensive line of Giant Sequoias. Sanders retired at 29. Who knows what would have happened to him had his numbers fallen off and had he been owed like, $5 mil. This isn't a strategy so much as it's admitting that there is a bevy of cheaper, younger, and frankly, better options out there to replace them.

If you had to name the top 10 running backs in the NFL a few years ago, all of these players would be in the conversation, but only a few seasons later all of them are looking for a new beginning with a new team.

There are inherent problems with this philosophy. Sure, any team with a good offensive line can put even a decent running back in there and he will have success. Having an elite running back is not just about running the football; the biggest thing young running backs struggle with is the pass protection and hot reads that are required from the running back position.

This is of paramount importance because your $100 million dollar quarterback’s last line of defense is most often times the running back blocking for him or catching a dump pass out of the back field. Now, in order to save a little change they want to roll the dice with inexperienced players protecting the backside of your highest paid one?

Who cares what you could have said 4 years ago? If you asked me 4 years ago who the best QB was, I wouldn't have said Michael Vick. Although some people may have. And now he's like, 8th string behind Kevin Kolb. If you would have asked me 60 years ago what the coolest new country was, I probably would have said India.

As far as these RBs being awesome pass blockers, I'll need a bit more info to make that determination. Thomas Jones, in the role of "last line of defense in the form of a dump off pass", had 10 catches last season. He's caught over 40 passes exactly once in his illustrious, Walter Payton-esque career. Speaking of Payton, Marcus, you should have cited Sweetness. He was 30 years old during that great 1984 season and had a hell of a late-career resurgence.

The myth that running backs get burned out at age 30 is a bit of a white lie. What has started to happen is teams migrate to run primarily a passing offense because the Colts, Patriots, and others have been successful with it. This is de-emphasizing the running game, as New England, Arizona, and Indianapolis have never really been known for their running game.

It is a white lie smothered in blatant anecdotal evidence. There is so much evidence that this lie is actually truth that anybody who wades into it may actually suffocate. Let's take a look-see.

Here is a list of the greatest single-season yardage outputs by NFL running backs. Tiki Barber is the only 30-year old in the top 25. Barry Sanders is the only other player in the top 25 who is even aged 29 at the time of their big year. The list is chock-full of 24s, 25s and 26s. Thomas Jones' 2009 season, which Marcus will reference in a bit, is the fourth-greatest single season by a 31+ year old running back in NFL history, going by yardage.

By yardage, it's tied for THE 121st BEST SEASON OF ALL-TIME.

One more time. 121st. Now let's look at passing yardage.Quite a different story...sure there are some young guys up there, but look at all of the 30+ year seasons. Warren Moon threw for the 10th most single-season yards in history at age 35!!! I don't know if a 35-year old running back has ever even lead his family in rushing yards, let alone all but like, 6 or 7 other NFL players ever. If youth was overrated for a running back, we'd surely see some seasons of at least 30 or so years old popping up on that initial list. But we just don't. Marcus, conveniently, doesn't cite any numbers except:

As a result, these teams have not given these running backs the same amount of carries that they had in previous years, so of course their numbers are going to drop. On top of that, teams have started to acquire pass blocking specialists at the offensive line positions, and some of these players are only average run blockers.

Thomas Jones did more to dispel the myth than anyone else last season; he rushed for over 1,400 yards and 14 touchdowns. This was the best season of his career, and he is 31 years old, so is Jones some type of exception to the rule?

Yep, Thomas Jones. Along with Tiki Barber, John Riggins, Walter Payton, and maybe Ricky Williams and Curtis Martin, exceptions to the rule. I guess it's almost impossible to prove, but the statistics strongly suggest that these guys are exceptions. And they don't get the ball as much because they aren't nearly as good as they used to be. Funny how that works.

His career was average before the past two seasons, and he all of a sudden turns in his rocking chair for a career season?  Even with all of that, the Jets still jettisoned him in favor of Shonn Greene, who has yet to play a 16 game season in the NFL.

Money, first and foremost. He was commanding a high salary and they had a younger, cheaper guy right behind him that may have ran even better. It's simple.

I think Greene is a good player, but he does not have the experience of Thomas Jones and has not proven he can make it through an entire season healthy. He fumbled away the game against the Dolphins earlier last season, and had his moments where he was lost in pass protection.

I'd like to see one of those moments where he wandered over to the sideline, begging Thomas Jones to tell him who he should pick up on the blitz.

Jones signed with the Chiefs, taking about a $4 million dollar pay cut in the process. All of these signs point to one truth; Emmitt Smith’s career rushing record will last for decades.  No running back for the foreseeable future is going to get the same opportunity to be the featured guy for over 13 years.

Emmitt Smith ran for a total of 18,355 yards during his 15-season NFL career; LaDainian Tomlinson (who just signed with the Jets) has rushed for only 12,490 yards and is now considered “over the hill.” There is no way Tomlinson will get another 5,000 or 6,000 rushing yards because he will not get enough opportunities to get to that number.

LaDainian Tomlinson absolutely would have gotten that opportunity had he not swan-dove off a cliff following the 2007 season. Let's compare his late 20's numbers to those of Smith.

At 27, he ran for over 1,800 yards and averaged 5.2 yards per carry, scoring a record 27 TDs in the process. He followed that up at 28 by slowing a bit to 4.7 YPC. In the past two years he's fallen to 3.8 and, last year, an abysmal 3.3 yards per carry. But, he didn't get enough carries! He had 292 two years ago and 223 this past season. 223 is wayyyyyyy way way too many carries to give to a guy averaging 3.3 yards per carry. They gave him every opportunity to challenge Emmitt's record in the past two years. He took those 515 carries and turned them into 1,840 yards. Even Eddie George (another perfect case of a guy falling off) thinks that's horrible. Eddie George was ran into the ground just like the old-timers that Marcus noted earlier. He responded with 3.0 yard/carry seasons.


Emmitt, on the other hand, did not run like he did in his youth when he got to Tomlinson's age, however, he still produced. During his age 29 season, he took his 319 carries and averaged 4.2 yards per carry with them. The next season at age 30, he received 329 carries because he was still averaging 4.2 yards per carry. That's a full yard better than Tomlinson's age 30 season. That's why Tomlinson won't break his record. Smith fell only to 3.9 and 3.8 yards/carry at 32 and 33 before playing out the string in Arizona. So, when Smith was run out of Dallas, he was STILL performing at a level greater than Tomlinson did in the past two years. So, the plight of LaDainian Tomlinson will have fuckall to do with whether or not some player eventually breaks Smith's yardage record. Also, after Smith's huge 25-TD, 1,700+ yard age 26 Super Bowl season? He never received the same workload again.

Looking at the statistics, the only active players who have over 10,000 yards are as follows:

LaDainian Tomlinson (Jets) – 12,490
Edgerrin James (No Team) – 12,246
Fred Taylor (No Team) – 11,540
Jamal Lewis (May Retire) – 10,607

(Statistics courtesy of http://www.pro-football-reference.com)

As you can see, none of them are even close to Emmitt and the only one that has a real shot is LT, but his contract in New York is only for two years and he isn’t the featured guy.

I don't even know what the point of that was. Now the purpose of the article is to point out how safe Emmitt Smith's record is? Again, I have no idea why I waste my time responding to Bleacher Report articles, but here I am.

The NFL running back is now dead or in a state of hibernation depending on how you look at it. Maybe in the next five to 10 years the league will change back to a more balanced set of offenses that once again emphasize the run.

 The reasons for which have already been covered. Yes, it's a passing league now. I'd also add that there are more young, cheap running backs available that can do an adequate job and that collisions are probably much more violent these days. Players have gotten faster. Players have gotten bigger. Joints have NOT gotten bigger. Knee ligaments have NOT gotten stronger. Science and drugs have helped our musculature skip an way ahead in their evolution, which has not been the case elsewhere in our bodies. At least, that's my theory. Someday I think the rest of our body will evolve and catch-up. But by that time, middle linebackers may be able to shoot laser-beams out of their eyes.

Same old Bengals!

 

So, the Bengals apparently just will not learn. They refuse to learn. They signed another criminal! Matt Jones! Did some coke! Drank a beer! Same old motherf-ing Bengals, right?

Guhhh. I hate this line of reasoning, as I've expressed previously. I don't really care what these guys do off the field in MOST circumstances. I do understand the fears of a backlash for signing, say, Donte Stallworth. However, the main reason that I would not take this "risk" and sign Stallworth is because he simply isn't that good. He's never been all that great. But Matt Jones? Matt Jones has been pretty good. His last season had very similar stats to that of Santonio Holmes, and they were accumulated over 12 games, as he sat out 4 for a substance abuse suspension. He's pretty good. And he's really tall and fast and wears awesome beaters, as shown above. 

Matt Jones did some coke and he was arrested for it, sure. And it was quite a bit of cocaine. 6 grams to be exact. For reference, an 8-ball of coke consists of an eighth of an ounce, or about 3.5 grams. They cost about $250. I'm going to assume that Jones and his cohorts bought two eight-balls and had used a gram when the law showed up on the scene. He had two guys with him. And I'm pretty confident that three somewhat-experienced users can go through an eight-ball (or more) in a single session. While it's probably not good to have a WR that can be described as an "experienced coke user", that's life in the salary-capped NFL. That's how you win. You take chances and hope that they pan out. Jones is coming in at the vet minimum. And he's not going to harm your team on the field, unless he brings 10 grams into the huddle and shares it with the team. 

Oddly enough, the Jags had no problem with his coke use. They didn't cut him until he violated his probation by drinking a beer on a golf course. That was the final straw. Sure, it was stupid of him to do, but come on. That's where you draw the line? Let's see what Doug Farrar has to say about the Bengals and their character.

If there's one thing the Cincinnati Bengals have led the NFL in over the last decade, it's arrests. (I stopped counting at ten). The 2009 Bengals made the playoffs for the second time in the last 20 years with more character than they'd had in years -- it was how they could overcome the in-season passings of receiver Chris Henry and the wife of defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer.

Oh, last season was their big character year? The year they brought back Chris Henry and drafted Andre Smith? I had thought that 2007 was the first character year, no? What about last year when those Bengals team chemistry-ed their way to a 4-12 season? I'm not buying some newfound chemistry as the reason that this team overcame those tragedies above. Also, they weren't really that great following Henry's death. They couldn't even compete with the Jets. I'm not buying team chemistry as one of the reasons for their resurgence. I think it had to do a lot with some defensive improvements and also due to a good deal of luck following the Denver fluke that beat them in week one. Really, their offense was not that good at any point in the season.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga recently pled guilty to a drunken driving charge, but he responded by arranging to check into the Betty Ford Center, which seems like a standup reaction. 

Oh, that's fun. At least he did the stand-up think and took the route that he was likely advised to take because it would look good in court. I'm not going to jump on a guy for a DUI, but dismissing it because he checked into rehab seems a bit disingenuous. 

However, if recent news is accurate, we could be looking at a couple of new residents in Marvin Lewis' Home for Troubled NFL Youth. MJD detailed the team's dalliances with Pacman Jones, and Cincy's also been talking with former Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Matt Jones, about a contract (Update: According to several reports coming down the pike Friday morning, Jones chose the Bengals over the Tennessee Titans).

I've already gone over my love affair with the idea of bringing in Pacman Jones. He's not a trouble-maker on the field. Compare this with a guy like Joey Porter, who did assault Levi Jones in a casino but still hasn't made headlines for any egregious legal violation. Yet, the Dolphins can't stand him to the point where they are going to cut him if they haven't already (some weird cap situation is making it difficult). Porter was a malcontent due to the fact that he wasn't being used on every down and he reportedly refused to come off of the field more than once. Imagine Joey Porter refusing to come off of the field when Dick LeBeau tries to insert a sub on 3rd and 12. That's how you set an example for the young guys. I'll take my chances with the coke user.

Jones and Jones are cheap and easy to cut. Joey Porter and a guy like T.O. come with $5 million dollar a year deals and as in Porter's case, are sometimes very difficult to simply release. Take your chances with the cheap guys. You have to with a salary cap in place. You need every edge you can get.





Jones, who's been unemployed since the Jags released him last March, seems like the better risk. Jones had issues with the law (his violation of a plea agreement for "drinking while golfing" is particularly priceless -- I have many friends who subscribe to the theory that if drinking while golfing is wrong, they don't want to be right), and his work ethic has been justifiably questioned, but he's a freakish physical talent who can produce on the rare occasions when his head's been screwed on straight. He caught a career-high 65 passes for 761 yards in 2008, leading the team in both categories, before his story went south. The Bengals are now more of a run-first team than they've been in previous seasons, but they've struggled to find consistent production alongside Chad Ochocinco(notes). If he's seen the errors of his ways and can bring his best to the table, Jones could be an extreme bargain. The reported one-year, $700,000 contract means that the Bengals aren't out too much if they're wrong.

Abso-fucking-lutely. I disagree with his overall tone of "hey, look at the Bengals! Haha they're criminals!", as it's simple and it has been beaten to death over the years, but I think he put it pretty well here. This is low-risk high-reward. I was in the "sign Jones" camp for the Steelers before this past season, although they really didn't need him and as of now I don't want him to impede on Sweed, but for the Bengals? This is perfect for them. Now they can use that draft pick somewhere else. Or at least have some insurance for it. On this note...a perfect LB for the Steelers? Don't laugh, but I'm going to throw out Odell Thurman's name. He'll be league minimum. He's in the UFL and has by all accounts gotten it at this point.  And he played well with the Bengals in his rookie year before his DUI troubles. Seems like a common theme. Anyway, I think it would be a good move for the Steelers.




Personally, I'd be more surprised if Pacman Jones catches on with the Bengals beyond a reserve role. Not only is his history of legal issues far more complex, but he did very little in his first comeback with the Cowboys in 2008.

Guh. He did quite well with the Cowboys given the fact that he was out of football for an entire year. Here's what I wrote about Pacman:

"Ok...why did Dallas cut him if he was so good, then?"

I don't know. I can't tell you that. I'm thinking that Jerry Jones simply felt betrayed and that combined with the fact that the Cowboys had a bunch of young corners that they were thrilled with left him to choose cutting PMJ. By many accounts, Pacman was their best corner last year. I don't know why he was cut. Nor do I care at this point.

Again, I don't know what went on there. But I still think he's worth a flyer. Dallas didn't lose any games because Pacman was on the roster.



On top of that, the team is also reportedly interested in receiver Donte Stallworth, who was recently reinstated by Commissioner Roger Goodell after serving 24 days in jail for killing a man while driving drunk. Stallworth was suspended for the 2009 season, was released by the Browns right after his reinstatement, and is on the market. Are the Bengals just doing their due diligence, or are they interested in returning to the worst of their "America's Most Wanted" days?

They want good players at good values. That's it. There is no desire to assemble the most criminally-active team in the NFL. They all just seem to have alcohol problems. Just keep them from going out on Saturday night and I think that they'll be ok. More importantly...they won't lose any games this year because Pacman Jones makes it rain.

More gayness in writing - and chapping my balls while at it

Above is Michael Silver, who wrote this article. I have nothing more for a lead-in. It sucks, he wrote it for a legit writing outfit, and they paid him enough to afford those epically gay glasses. So congrats to you, Mr. Silver, on achieving Epic Gayness. 

When Bill Belichick made the decision to go for it on fourth-and-2 from his own 28 with 2:08 remaining and a six-point lead over the Colts on Sunday night, the future Hall of Fame coach knew exactly what he was doing.

Yes, he was going to attempt to convert a 4th down that would win the game for his team if converted and most likely lose it if not. Ok.

It was a perfect setup for ego-driven gratification, guaranteed to paint him as an avant garde genius or a misunderstood martyr: Either the Pats would convert the first down and win the game, and Belichick would be heralded as the shrewdest coach in America, or they’d fall short and lose, and he’d be pummeled by lesser mortals like me who simply don’t understand football on a higher plane.

What? Ego-driven gratification? What the fuck are you talking about? He was most likely attempting to play the odds, believing that his team had a better chance of converting that short 4th down than stopping Peyton Manning from scoring the go-ahead TD after a punt. Stop trying to turn this into 10th grade English class, where we search balls-deep in novels for hidden meanings as to why Edgar Allen Whogivesafuck named the Calico cat in chapter 5 "Puddles". Could it have something to do with St. Felix's Flood in Holland in 1530? I think it maaaaaaayyyyyyyyy dot dot dot.

We all saw what happened, and now it’s time for Belichick to assume the position. Bill, meet Barry Switzer. And see that guy over there in the corner of the room with padded walls? That would be one Sam Wyche.

Ok. I'm not familiar, so let's see why Sam Wyche is sitting in a corner of a padded room shaking and pissing into his own mouth.

Many people recall Switzer’s similarly dubious fourth-down gamble as coach of the Cowboys, which led to a late-season defeat to the Eagles in 1995. Less familiar to most fans is Wyche’s incomprehensible decision, as coach of the Bengals, to give Joe Montana and Jerry Rice a chance to beat him in 1987.

Don't give a fuck on Switzer, sometimes these calls work out and sometimes they do not. What did Wyche do?

In that game, the Bengals led the 49ers, 26-20, with six seconds remaining at Riverfront Stadium. San Francisco was about to fall to 0-2, pending a Cincinnati punt from its own 31-yard line, where the Bengals faced a fourth-and-long. Wyche didn’t want to risk a punt, instead calling a sweep for James Brooks, with the assumption that the play would eat up the remaining time.

That's almost epically retarded. Why not have the QB drop back and have the QB heave the ball as far as he can in the air? Still might not kill six seconds. Six seconds! The clock is going to stop right when the ballcarrier is tackled. Six seconds! I have a hard time believing that even an average sweep play is going to kill six seconds. That is ridiculously stupid on Wyche's part. And almost completely opposite-of-analogous to Belichick's call. Allow Sam Wyche to continue sitting in that room corner and feasting on bovine semen.

In defense of Belichick, many people have pointed out that he’s perhaps the greatest coach of his era, with three Super Bowl rings and a history of smart leadership. And all of that’s true – but it doesn’t mean that he has complete license to make ill-fated moves without being people questioning whether he has gone off the deep end.

Right. Like, for example, none of this gives Belichick license to instruct his punter to punt backwards over his own head and then take his pants off on the field. That would be going off the deep-end. This? This can be legitimately explained if people just drop the OMG WHY DIDN'T HE PUNT! schadenfreude as they jerk off while watching Belichick fail. And I absolutely HATE Bill Belichick. This all pains me to type, people.

Greater coaches than Belichick have seemingly lost their minds; hey, it’s a stressful profession that feeds God complexes like few others. And it’s not insignificant that two of his most respected ex-players, Rodney Harrison and Tedy Bruschi, were highly critical of the decision as television analysts.

It's absolutely insignificant. Have you ever heard Lou Holtz on TV? Just because one of his former players, especially one like Harrison who is probably still retarded off HGH abuse says that it was a bad decision does NOT make it a bad decision. If Bruschi was able to make the right decision every time he'd probably be a coach. Nothing could be more insignificant.

Trust me when I say that many people currently in the Patriots’ organization, at various levels, were equally perplexed by Belichick’s behavior.

Trust me when I say that I don't care in the slightest. There's a reason they aren't the head coach. 

Put it this way: Would Belichick have dared try that move with people like Bruschi, Harrison, Willie McGinest, Mike Vrabel and Richard Seymour on the sidelines? If he had, there might have been a full-blown incident on the sidelines – which is precisely why Belichick loved and coached those proud defenders, and why he’s doing a disservice to the Jerod Mayos and Brandon Meriweathers by not giving them the opportunity to define themselves in gut-wrenching situations like Sunday’s.

Yes, he probably would have. If Belichick is worried about Mike Vrabel punching him on the sidelines after a call, he should fucking trade Mike Vrabel to the Chiefs or something. He's not doing a disservice to Jerod Mayo. If Jerod Mayo is that sensitive, he needs to undergo counseling. Or maybe consider not allowing the Colts to put them in that position by scorching the field for 70 yards in about a minute in their previous drive. This "omg you don't trust the defense!" argument chaps my balls harder than soaking them for four hours in a bowl of Ann Coulter's taint-sweat.

Back when he trusted his defense with the game on the line, Belichick successfully preached to his players that it was all about team. Granted, he was the unquestioned authority figure, but no one – not even the coach – was bigger than the team.

He did? He never went for it on fourth down? Does that mean he didn't trust Tom Brady and the offense? When he put Vrabel in as a tight end, does that mean he didn't trust his tight ends? When he onside-kicked, does that mean he didn't trust his kick coverage? When he paid his bills online, does that mean he didn't trust his fucking mailman? This is retarded. The team should be about winning fucking games, and they would have had they gotten two yards. Doesn't the team trust Brady to pick up two yards?

By not punting on Sunday, Belichick essentially acted like he was above his players – and the fact that the decision backfired could have lasting consequences. All of those arguments in defense of Belichick which suggest that he was simply playing the odds won’t fly in the locker room, where results are the only thing that matters.

You are a fucking idiot. You are. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but you are. He didn't act like he was above his God damn players...it's not like Belichick went out there and took the snap, or he called "Belichick Left 42" on three, or any of that stupid drivel. Fuck playing the odds! That's stupid! Results matter!

I'm sure the players have no problems with the call at all. What if it would have worked? They would have liked him? That is stupid logic. That logic is tortured. What you are doing to that logic, Mr. Silver, is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

Besides, the “odds” of converting a fourth-and-2 don’t take into account the risk, numerical and emotional, of failing in that situation. Playing Russian roulette is another example of playing the odds, and if you get away with it, bravo. But if you don’t? Well, Belichick had best hope the Patriots perform as well as he expects them to in the coming weeks and months, or he may look back on Sunday as the moment it all started to unravel.

Ahhhh. Where to start.

Ok. The odds can cover this. Here's how it works....if the odds of you converting the fourth down OR failing and then keeping the Colts out of the endzone are better than punting and keeping the Colts out of the endzone, then go for it! Who cares how emotional you are? Are the Colts robots? Are they not emotional? Could they be sad that day? Has anyone even thought to consider how sadfacey Peyton Manning was?

But the Russian Roulette thing...how do you get away with writing that as a legit point? Here are the odds that come to play here:

PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE: 1/6 chance of dying

DO NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE: No chance of dying

The odds say DO NOT PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE YOU FUCKING MORON! Jeez. If the choice was between playing Russian Roulette and, say, fighting a live puma, or maybe even getting a billion dollars if you win, things may change a bit. But if all you get is the satisfaction of winning the Russian Roulette game then...why am I even bothering? Anybody with sense can see that this is retarded.

The weird thing is, neither Wyche nor Switzer let their moments of ignominy take them down. Wyche took the Bengals to the Super Bowl the following season, losing only because of Montana’s brilliant 92-yard drive in the final three-plus minutes. Switzer’s Cowboys didn’t lose again after that defeat in Philly, going on to capture their third Super Bowl title in four years.

Wow...THAT'S INSANE. One thing going wrong didn't cause them to completely collapse as NFL head coaches? Maybe because they aren't 4-year olds and no one cares if they offer sufficient respect to their defenses through their play calling or maybe because the nature of football is sometimes something works and sometimes it doesn't?

Nah. Fuck that. These guys are just weird.

Those two coaches were deservedly ripped after their decisions led to defeats, and they did something about it. My advice to Belichick is to take his punishment, rejoin the mere mortals in his midst and try to muster a similar response.

I'm sure he says "you're welcome" and then makes one of those jackoff motions in your direction.

But he isn't done. Then he offers a list of 32 bits of info about each team. Let's take a look.

1. New Orleans Saints: How scary is it that Darren Sharper’s replacement, Usama Young, had an end-zone interception in his first start?

It's not scary. Sometimes defensive backs intercept passes. I'm really not scared at all. Or...maybe the Saints are the best team ever in the NFL because Usama Young replaced Darren Sharper and intercepted a pass against the MOTHERFUCKING RAMS. Yeah. Let's go with that one.

2. Indianapolis Colts: Yo, football gods: If Jim Caldwell didn’t lose on Sunday, will he ever?

Hells no! They will never face another test as stern as a visiting 6-2 New England squad. Jim Caldwell is invincible. He should play Russian Roulette professionally.

3. Minnesota Vikings: Did anyone besides Brett Favre know Sidney Rice was this good?

The team that drafted him? The coaches? His teammates? Anyone other than Brett Favre, who probably had absolutely no idea who Sidney Rice even was when he agreed to go to Minnesota? Am I missing something here?

4. Cincinnati Bengals: With Cedric Benson enjoying a career revival and Larry Johnson apparently on his way to Cincy, is Corey Dillon next?

Uhhh....didn't Corey Dillon have to leave Cincinnati for a career revival? And from all accounts, LJ will be inactive for most of the Bengals' games. REVIVAL!

5. Pittsburgh Steelers: Is it crazy to wonder whether poor kickoff coverage could cost this team a chance to repeat?

As it's already cost them one possible game and almost another, no, it's not. Kickoff returns count for just as much as any other touchdown, regardless of the amount of emotion involved.

6. New England Patriots: Does this hairless thug who threw down an NFL Films cameraman while escorting Bill Belichick to the locker room think we live in a repressive Third World country ruled by a ruthless dictator – or does he just think the NFL is its own, sovereign nation?

That is one of the worst attempts at a joke I've ever seen. Or does he think that it is a planet in a different galaxy where ape-people eat metal and hover over lakes of milk? Or does he think he's in an Ace and Gary sketch on SNL and sitting in the passenger seat of a penis car playing solitare on an iPhone? Or is this just gay? I choose option gay.

12. Philadelphia Eagles: If a team can’t convert in short-yardage situations – no matter how much talent it features on offense – can it be considered a legitimate contender?

Not a chance. You have to go all the way back to the 2008 Pittsburgh Steelers to find a championship team that couldn't convert in short-yardage situations!

15. Green Bay Packers: Was Sunday’s performance a season-saver – and, if so, what took these guys so long to crank it up?

Maybe they didn't just crank it up. Maybe week-to-week performances just kind of alternate like that. Maybe it happens to like every team. What the fuck happened to Dallas? And Pittsburgh? How'd the Colts almost lose to the 49ers at home? Why does Jay Cutler suck? Who knows.

24. Washington Redskins: After coach Jim Zorn informed him of his intention to run the creative fourth-down fake that led to a second-quarter touchdown, did designated play-caller Sherm Lewis yell, “Bingo!?”

 HAHAHAHAHAHAA SHERM LEWIS BINGO JOKES! Hey, did you guys hear? John Candy died!




I'm done. I hated everything about this column. I'm going to lie down and play some Russian Roulette.

Sexually harrassing the English language

Gerry Dulac. Post-Gazette writer. Steelers columnist. Paid to write. Physically collects checks from the PG which he then deposits for actual money with which he can buy things. Material possessions. Probably nicer ones than I am able to afford.

Yet he is also a rapist.

I present my evidence in the form of the article I have just linked to in which Mr. Dulac takes the English language and then just has unprotected rapesex with it. He just date-rapes the language. Here it is, English, meeting Gerry Dulac, who is a professional paid columnist, thinking that he's just going to take it for a nice evening stroll. Just get reacquainted with it, enjoy the nice weather before winter arrives, etc. The language thinks that as a professional, Mr. Dulac is going to have nothing but the utmost respect for her...yet, he takes advantage of her willingness and just date-rapes the absolute fuck out of her right in front of everybody who reads the Post Gazette. It was a cold, classless calculated move by Dulac, and he should be ashamed. Andrea McNulty should be suing him on behalf of the language. I'd certainly believe her in that instance.

Seriously, these are some of the worst puns ever concocted. Dulac just took words and put them next to each other without rhyme or reason like you are just allowed to do that these days or something. I have no idea. Big Pun would be ashamed to have "pun" in his name following this typebortion. From the "To win, the (team) must..." section:

To win, the Broncos must ...

1 Not be yonkos*. They looked intimidated vs. the Ravens and did not match Baltimore's intensity, something they must do vs. the Steelers.

What? What in the coal-powered fuck is that, Dulac? What is a Yonko? You can't just change a name to something that sounds funny and expect that to be cool. It's not. That is not an insult. At least not to the Broncos. Maybe he just insulted Bronko Nagurski. I have no idea. All I know is that Hines Ward better not look like SQUINES Ward out there on the field, right? Am I right? Haaaaa! Chew on that, SQUINES!

EDIT: It was pointed out to me that Myron Cope always called the Broncos "Yonkos". I still don't care. It stays.


2. Buck the big play. They lead the AFC with 23 sacks and have to make sure Ben Roethlisberger doesn't have enough time to throw.

Uhhh, I guess that's ok. You can buck a trend. And broncos can buck...like, real ones, that is. You know, bucking broncos! Maybe these Broncos have to buck in order to prevent the Pittsburgh Steelworkers from completing big plays. Or, maybe he just chose the word "buck" because when combined with "big" in big play it created an alliteration, which just plain read magically. Every time. Cogency be damned.


3 Not let Knowshon be a no-show. The Steelers haven't allowed a 100-yard rusher in 29 games (counting playoffs).

Sigh. Knowshon can't be a no-show! He must show up! He's their running back! Where's my money?

*collects check from PG*

I get it. His name is Knowshon, so he can't be a no-show! Unlike his name, which has "know" in it! Pun fucking City, population Gerry Dulac. DO YOU KNOW-NOTHING, SIR? This is retarded. It's got an extra 21st chromosome.



To win, the Steelers must ...


1. Pile on Orton. He has been efficient for the Broncos, using screens and quick throws to slow the pressure and throwing just one interception.

Because his name is Kyle! So they have to pile on him and sack him! Just like every quarterback. Seriously, is there any time the defense says, "you know what, guys, this guy they got back there...you just...you just don't want to sack him. Run past him, pretend to slip, anything. Just don't sack him! It's going to be terrible for our defense"? I'm expecting the next tip to be "Be the Pittsburgh Scorers...score more points than the other team! Most teams that do this win!" Indeed they do, Gerry. Indeed they do.


2. Not get branded by Marshall. He can create matchup problems in the secondary, especially with S Ryan Clark not playing.

Right! Because his name is Brandon, and his doing well in this football game would be analogous to him branding the Steelers with a hot poker! His steaming visage would be all over this game. And all over Ryan Clark. Even though he's not playing. So maybe it won't be on Ryan Clark. Which is good, because then he won't turn into Fryin' Ryan!!!!!!!


3. Not let Elvis be a hound dog. Dumervil, the AFC sack leader, uses his smallish size (5-11, 248) to get underneath tackles and gain leverage.

Ok, this one hurts my creativity muscles. Just copying and pasting it gave me Carpal-Tunnel. Due to his smallish size, Elvis Dumervil physically crawls underneath tackles and gets into the backfield, getting the opposition All Shook Up. Or, maybe Elvis is a Fool and Rushes In to sack the quarterback. Something like that. He's the KING.


Since Dulac passed out from creative overload after penning this section, I figure that I will help the Post-Gazette and come up with a five-pack of my own for each team. This is free of charge, PG...just send me a nice thank you note and maybe a Doug Legursky-signed Terrible Towel and we'll call it even.


To Win, the Broncos must....


1. Not let Big Ben put his giant clock in your ass. In addition to being the Steeler's QB, Big Ben is also the name of a giant clock. If Big Ben strikes midnight in this game, expect a lot of limping Broncos on the receiving end of this clock-wise fucking.

2. Not get any STDs on defense. The Broncos have to wrap-up on the defensive side if they want to win this game. If they don't wrap-up, they may find themselves the victims of an unwanted teenage pregnancy in the form of Santonio Holmes or Hines Ward turning a short catch into a big play.


3. Not be the Schmenver Concos. Being the Schmenver Concos would suggest that the Broncos are playing zootball on a zootball field, and this is not the NZL. Instead of tassing and grunning the zootball as the Schmenver Concos would do, the Broncos should pass and run the football. Don't play bathmouth zootball behind Skyle Aborton and Goodtoknowshon Dorito.  

4. Allow Correll to corrun. Correll Buckhalter is averaing 6 yards per carry this season, which would CORRELLate very strongly with victory...because 6 yards per carry is good and good things tend to win football games.

5. Not bunt the football, but instead punt it. Bunting the football 4 to 5 yards instead of punting it 40 to 50 will greatly reduce Denver's chances of winning this game. Field position is important, and if Mitch Berger decides to bunt instead of punt, the Steelers could find themselves charging the bunt to field it and then throwing it to first where it will be caught for victory by the first basemen, Rashard Mendenhall.


To win, the Steelers must...


1. Save Private Ryan. Ryan Clark almost died the last time he played in the high Denver altitude, and the Steelers would be very well served to not allow him to die this time. A dead Ryan Clark will be a huge liability in pass coverage, as Emlen Tunnell showed last year playing dimeback for the Detroit Lions.

2. Keep the Broncos from cooking Roethlisburgers and then eating them on the field with a full assortment of condiments and soft drinks. Allowing the Broncos pass rush to continually get into the Steeler backfield, setting up a gas grill and preparing delicious Roethlisburgers to serve to the rest of the team will spell certain doom for Pittsburgh's chances in this ball game. They must prevent the Broncos from having a delicious barbeque at all costs.

3. Don't fall victim to a Royal flush. When playing cards with the Broncos, the Steelers cannot overplay their hand (even if they have quad aces) and fall victim to Eddie Royal playing a royal flush by taking a punt back for a touchdown. Royal played this hand twice against the Chargers in mid-October, beating Philip Rivers' 7-J straight and Norv Turner's nines-over-fours full house. These two hands were enough to tilt the game in favor of the Broncos.

4. Be the Pittsburgh Stealers. Steal the ball from the Broncos. Create turnovers. Interceptions. Fumbles. Physically steal balls from the initial stockpile of gameballs. Don't give the balls back. Keep the balls that you just stole. That is one almost foolproof way for the Steelers to win this game. If the Broncos are unable to even find a ball to play with, their offense will be severely limited.

5. Make sure Mike Wallace is not ball-less. If the Steelers want to open up their running attack, getting some balls to Mike Wallace and not allowing him to go ball-less will surely help them to do so. The explosive rookie is one of the fastest players on the field, and there is no reason for Benjamin R. Roethlisberger to keep him ball-less. Ben must hit Wallace with his balls. As usual, the R. stands for "rape".


So there you go, PG! Free of charge! You can even put them under Dulac's name for all I care.

Jesus hates Curt Schilling

Just came across a link to one of the largest, most voluminous bags of douche of all-time, Curt Schilling, reliving his "bloody sock" game on his website.  Big deal. Babe Didrikson Zaharias once completed an entire triathlon with a bloody tampon and completed the final running portion DESPITE SUFFERING FROM TSS. That takes balls. Or labe. Whatever. Fact is, if Curt Schilling somehow managed to pull out a decent pitching game with a tampon stuck in his ass, not only would we have to deal with iconic images of the string hanging out while he threw a splitter, but that tampon would also be residing in the fucking hall of fame right now and legions of Boston sports fans would jack themselves off while staring at their TAMP-ON A PRAYER posters and frothing at the mouth.

Anyway, I don't have a problem with Curt doing this or invoking how Jesus carried him towards this miraculous feat. I mean, his fucking sock was bleeding! But that doesn't mean I can't make fun of him on my website, as Curt Schilling certainly lays on the mound like a God-damn broad.

I knew I was going to start, but had no idea how I was going to pitch. The ankle, after having been sutured the night before, was holding up a lot better than we’d thought. I was surprised at the amount of bleeding that occurred overnight, and I am sure the maids were a bit worried when they changed my sheets that morning.

And the stage is set. Curt Schilling knew...he'd have to pitch while bleeding. Reminds me of the time Walt Disney bravely led a 1953 construction meeting while suffering from profuse ball-sweating.

I didn’t do anything really abnormal in the day leading up to the start. I did a few more windups in my hotel room than normal, to try and push it a bit to make sure it wasn’t going to pop.

 As opposed to, what, amputating the foot? Way to keep a level head, Curt.

The thing I most vividly remember from the hours leading up to the start was hitting the top step in Yankee Stadium. When I went out to pitch Game 1, when I hit the top step to walk to the bullpen, my ankle buckled and the tendon popped out of place. That was the first time I knew I might have a problem.

I call no fucking way, Dr. Schilling. Can anyone with a medical degree from some Caribbean island set the record straight here? This is almost as crazy as the time I was folding laundry during an episode of Home Improvement and my dick fell off.

It was about the 50th time I had faced the Yankees that year, and I knew it would be the last, so I came out of my bullpen having done some things different. Whereas I usually made sure I had fastball command and my split, I worked my ass off in that pen to get a feel for my curveball and slider right off the bat since I wanted to use them for all nine innings, instead of here and there.

Good for you. Just putting this in to keep the story flowing. 

In Game 6, there was no specific moment when I knew that I would make it through the game. After pitch one, I never really thought much on it. It held up I think because I never favored it, or at least never felt like I did. In watching some highlights I do notice I limped, but I never thought I was limping.

I didn't feel like I was limping, because I was always told that heroes don't limp. If I was limping, you can call that swagger. And as you'll see later, it can all be attributed to Christ, whom I believe actually gives a fuck about a baseball game while children in Guatemala are being raped by everything other than food and water. I'll call that "limp" my JESUS SWAGGER.




I only realized the ankle was bleeding for one reason. I received multiple Marcaine injections from April on, each start, and as the season wore on I started needing to get in-game injections as well. This game I needed to have it done again, and the Marcaine made the outer half of my foot numb (which was a whole other problem).

That's funny. We all realized that the ankle was bleeding BECAUSE IT WAS FUCKING COVERED IN BLOOD. And who cares? Honestly, is bleeding such a difficult affliction to overcome? Does anybody ever call off of work because they are bleeding? Did Betsy Ross give up on sewing the flag because her old-timey wench girdle was covered in blood and she was out of Marcaine? I don't think so.





In doing so it made me feel as though my shoe wasn’t on right, so I kept pressing down on the bottom of my shoe to move my foot side to side to try and “feel” as if my foot was firmly in my shoe. That’s how I noticed, in about the fifth or sixth inning, that the sole of my shoe and my sock were soaked with blood. You ever walk in the rain in your socks? That’s how it felt. Problem was that it was cold out, too, so that made the blood cold and I could feel it on half my foot.

So you are comparing this heroic, iconic task to pitching with rain in your socks? "Honestly, have any of you laypeople, or should I say gaypeople, even completed the simplest task with RAIN WATER in your SOCKS?!?!? And if so, was it cold?" This is captivating. My attention has just been captured.




In looking back on it, the main thing I take away from that game was my mental ability to overcome anything. I got past the ankle pain and into a state of mind that had me completely focused on the game.

Oh, shut the fuck up. You're so damn special, Curt. You can pitch with rainwatery blood in your socks. Wow, what's next? What else can you overcome? Running out of gas 200 feet from a gas station? Blowing some dude in an alley in spite of a bad hair-day? I'm sure Jackie Robinson and Pete Gray would be amazed at your mental toughness. Curt Schilling can mentally overcome ANYTHING.




I probably did more damage to the ankle than I would have liked. When they opened my ankle up after the season they told me that my peroneal tendon, in addition to being dislocated, was split, lengthwise, for about five inches and wedged over the ankle bone. In a way that was a good thing because it sort of locked itself down.

Dr. Curt Schilling, M. fucking D.




I made it through seven innings, and when I was done, I sat on the bench. I’ve often talked about the spiritual experience that entire two-week period was, and after I came out of this game it really hit me hard.

Here's where we start getting entirely too gay for the average human being. The spirituality of the experienced? You pitched with a bloody ankle. Give me a fucking break. There was nothing spiritual about you overcoming your ankle injury and pitching in a playoff baseball game.




I had prayed hard, never once to “win” but just to be able to compete. I couldn’t do that in Game 1 because in a spiritual and physical sense I had tried to “go it alone.” Before Game 2 I had prayed with Mike Timlin and Tim Wakefield, and I prayed ONLY for the ability to compete. I prayed for that with the belief that with the eight guys playing behind me, and my ability to pitch, I could beat them on one foot if I could just compete.

"And, luckily for me, the Yankees apparently did not pray. In fact, they actually cursed the Lord and suggested that He go and fuck Himself, as they did not need Him to beat me in a game of baseball, as I just had a tendon sutured. Then they pulled their dicks out and pissed all over the rosary while reciting a satanic chant over a Three Six Mafia beat. 'Sippin' On Some Syrup', I believe. This whole time, I was praying with Mike Timlin that I could overcome my bleeding and just throw the ball. And for this I must thank Jesus Christ. Amen".




Looking back on it five years later, it was a much more meaningful event from a faith and spiritual standpoint than from a performance standpoint. I am proud of what we did that night, but I am far more excited about what I was able to experience in my relationship with Christ that night. I knew, postgame, when I started the press conference off by thanking the Lord and the entire media contingent rolled its eyes, how they were going to report it. Whatever they did, I knew they couldn’t come close to conveying what I had experienced.

That's because they think you are a douchebag who actually believes that pitching through an injury forged a stronger relationship with Christ.  There are worse things going on in the world, Curt. You pitched through this injury because it was not like career threatening and you could handle the pain. Not because Christ came down and touched your ankle in-between sending devastating tidal waves to Indonesia and Bangladesh. I'm actually more impressed that you were able to pitch with all of the thorns on your hat.





My lasting memory of that game — more than anything that happened while I was on the mound — is of Keith Foulke. Every memory I have of that postseason has Keith in it. He pitched every stinking game and dominated, on fumes.

Even though he wasn't praying with you?

Christ works in mysterious ways.

Why Richard Wight Hates the Pittsburgh Steelers

Hey, Hines. What's up.

Ok, so this guy, this Richard Wight, he hates them Stillers. And yinz know that it's ok to hate them Stillers, but if you do and you type it out, it's my right as a God damn 'Merican to rain down on your ass with some words of my own, possibly insinuating that you like the taste of penises and that your family operates a Rimjob kiosk in East Liberty.

Let's go.

Over the last year or so, I have really developed an interest in the whole sports writing/blogging thing. I have tried to express my opinions in a professional manner in an attempt to build journalistic integrity.

I haven't noticed, because I don't waste my time at bleacherreport.com, but I'm sure that if I had I would have marveled at the way you've come out of your shell as an incoherent cactusfucker and developed into a cactusfucker with a solid grasp of the ways of journalism. I guess either way you really enjoy fucking a nice cactus.

However, for this post, forget all that stuff.

Oh, snap. Richard is getting sandlot on us.

Nobody is forcing you to read this. Consider yourself warned.

Hate this stupid school of thought. "Don't tell me how wrong I am, you didn't HAVE to read it and yet you did". That's great, Richard. I watched some millipedes fuck each other one time in the woods when I didn't have to. That didn't mean it was insightful. Hey guys, there's a picture of my cock next. You've been warned! Don't criticize it, you took the time to look at it!

Oh yeah. The Steelers. Carry on.

I don't like the Cleveland Browns, but at least I can be cordial if I see someone in a Brady Quinn jersey. We can exchange friendly barbs while maintaining our civility. I don't know, maybe I feel sorry for a grown man that barks like a dog when his team scores a touchdown.

That's probably because if you met a grown man in a Brady Quinn jersey, you are likely co-workers at the same dive bar glory hole. Whenever Richard Wight's team scores a touchdown he responds by reading a chapter of The Grapes of Wrath aloud to underprivileged 5th graders.

I hate the pittsburgh steelers.  I can't even bring myself to capitalize the name.  Why, you ask? Here are a few reasons...

Honestly, at this point I don't want to know why you hate the Steelers. I want to know why you don't capitalize the name. Did Mike Webster rape your dad?

History 
Do you realize that the steelers did not win a playoff game until 1972? That is kind of ironic, considering they were founded in 1933. The irony comes in the fact that they began winning when the "juice" started flowing.  

My grandfather is PISSED that you would diss his beloved 1946 Steelers.

As an aside, there is nothing ironic about that. That is one of the worst uses of irony I've ever heard. It would be ironic if they were named the Pittsburgh Guys Who Win All The Time And Don't Need Steroids To Do It. Then it would be irony. And...fuck the steroids argument. Everyone was doing steroids then. They are still doing steroids. You know less about steroids than you do about irony, and that's saying something.

If you don't think the steelers were using steroids, take that stupid yellow towel and wipe the crap out of your eyes. The number of ex-steelers to die in the last 10 years is remarkable. Many of those have been players from the 1970s with heart problems. Coincidence?  I think not.

Well, focus on them, Richard. If you want to blame steroids for Justin Strelzyk driving into an oncoming tanker truck and for a tree falling on Steve Courson, then I'm going to blame the ongoing G20 protests on you molesting your daughter.

The Terrible Towel 
Speaking of that stupid yellow towel, is that the best you fools could come up with? Seriously? If you are a man with a job and family who somehow convinced a blind woman to marry you, why do you spend your Sunday waving a snot rag over your head?

I don't get it. You have a job, so you can't wave your flag? Is it supposed to be out of respect for your blind wife? I can't figure it out. Don't Packers fans wear cheese on their heads? Raiders fans wear spiked shoulder pads? Vikings fans dress like actual vikings? I believe that when the Jaguars score more than 28 points in a game, a live jaguar is circumcised at midfield by Jack Del Rio. 




A lady (sort of) that sits near me at work has one of those rags hanging in her cube. When I hit the lottery and tell them all to "take this job and shove it," I swear I am going to blow my nose in that stupid thing on way out the door.

It costs $2.99. What is your job that you can't afford $2.99 without winning the lottery? Do you work in Bangladesh? Now I see why you hate the Steelers. You must sew their jerseys!

The Players 
Ben Worthlessbooger is the most overrated player in the league. He is ugly and I hate him. I thought his looks would improve after smashing his face in the motorcycle accident. Nope.

No, he isn't. Love the nickname, though. It's clever. Especially coming from a guy who's phonebook listing would be "Wight, Dick".




I know he has denied the allegations of rape, but I seriously question the thought of any semi-intelligent woman with a decent set of spectacles would want to do the horizontal mambo with him.

Probably one that needs $2.99 for a terrible towel.




Everyone knows that Troy Polamalu looks like Michael Jackson. You know, like a woman. After seeing the stupid shampoo commercial, I now know that he sounds like MJ too. You know, like a woman. I hate him.

Seems to me like you hate women. You may want to get some counseling about that.




I hate Hines Ward. He cries about everything. He is not a good receiver. He is an idiot. I hate him. I would like nothing better than to see Rey Maualuga knock that disgusting smile from his face.  

Yeah, because we sure as fuck know that Keith Rivers ain't gonna do it.





I don't want to see anyone get hurt, but I wouldn't lose any sleep if he got his ugly face rearranged on Sunday.

Right, because you don't like, actually know him or anything.

The Hit 
I am not talking about a clean, hard hit on the field.  I am talking about the mafia-style hit that allowed these jerks to beat the Bengals in 2005.  When Kimo Von Imafatpieceofcrap rolled into Carson Palmer's knee, my hatred of this disgusting franchise grew to a new level.

Seriously? Kimo Von Imafatpieceofcrap? Humor is embarrassed right now and it's threatening to leave. I'm trying to console it. I'm trying to tell it that there aren't that many people like you out there and that it shouldn't get all bent out of shape when one person disrespects it like that. It's not listening and it just left. Damn it, Richard. Do you see what you are doing?!?!?!




The Fans 
Like I said before, most NFL fans can poke fun at each other at a sports bar and still have a good time. If these idiots are able to actually spit out a coherent thought, it most likely has something to do with the "one for the thumb" phrase they use every five seconds while waving that ridiculous yellow rag.

Hey idiot, one for the thumb was like, 4 years ago. But way to use the "omg Pittsburghers are so dumb!" angle. Clever. Fresh. SOOTHING. If humor were a yeast infection, Richard Wight would be like a 55-gallon drum of Vagisil.



After they put down there thumb and use their sleeve to wipe the hot sauce off of their face, the corresponding index finger is usually inserted into their nose. They don't wash their hands after they pee either.

HAHA they pick their nose all the time and then they touch their dicks and don't wash it off SO THEIR HANDS ARE ALWAYS COVERED IN PISS AND DICKS HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

They are the most vile people on the face of the earth. I hate them.

Take that, Sudanese refugees! Fuck Darfur. Ain't got nothin' on Steeler fans!




Besides, they don't even have any cheerleaders. Any woman that would shake her tookus for that team could probably start on the offensive line.

At least he realizes that the offensive line needs some help. Richard's idea of a hot woman lives in Cincinnati, so I'd take this sentence with a grain of retard.





I hate them.

Yeah, now let me hit some of that meth. WHO DEY?!?!?!