Gerry Dulac's keys to victory - Steelers @ Browns

Big game tonight in what shouldn't by any conceivable stretch of the imagination be a big game.

Steelers sputter into Cleveland, fresh off of four straight losses including two to teams that their own fans don't even select in Madden, Kansas City and Oakland. The latter of which included Bruce Gradkowski lighting them up to the tune of 300+ yards and 3/0 TD/INTs. Delicious. That's what it tastes like when you give a rimjob to a leper. Not only that, but the 1-11 Browns actually look somewhat respectable with the emergence of Brady Quinn as a guy who can complete more than 45% of his passes at the NFL level, something the Browns have lacked over the past two years.

Anyway, I'm not an expert by any stretch, nor do I get paid that much to write. Technically I guess you can say I make just over 27 cents a day by virtue of my awesome advertisement I have in the upper right-hand corner. I'm not even sure if that check cleared. It probably did. But I guess it is my duty to keep this blog active, and what the hell...I may even place a bet or two on this one. But NOT without first consulting an expert...and I have one here in Gerry Dulac. Gerry, make sweet love to our language and tell us what each team needs to do to pull this one out. Cowboy Dulac, take me away...

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BROWNS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Allow Brady Quinn to be a medicine woman. Even though Brady Quinn isn't a doctor, and likely not a woman (although he does seem to have a hearty appetite for cock), the Browns need him to be a medicine woman and cure them of the disease from which they have suffered from all year...a severe case of sucking enormous balls. If Quinn can apply a vaccination against sucking enormous balls and even allowing them to only suck regular balls, the Browns should be able to put some points on the board and have a chance in this one.

2. Don't allow the Browns to turn into Frowns, and if they do turn into Frowns, turn them upside down. Eric Mangini has a hell of a task tonight...he can't allow the Browns to develop frowns. Football is a game played with emotion, and frowns contribute such negative emotion to a team's play that it is nearly impossible to win a game when frowning. Mangini must work his magic to keep the team from frowning. Worst case, if they do develop frowns...Mangini MUST work to turn those frowns upside-down as quickly as possible. Every frowning second will negatively affect the team's "Emotional Time of Possession (ETOP)", and the Browns are just not talented enough to overcome a huge disparity in ETOP.

3. Have the Wright stuff. Pittsburgh has passed at will this year. And at guys named Will, and Steve and Champ. However, the Browns must not allow them to pass at Eric, as cornerback Eric Wright needs to have the Wright stuff tonight. He cannot have the rong stuff. For Cleveland to win this game, they will have to love the way Eric Wright turns them. Wright is listed as questionable, but he needs to play, and he's gotta be all that they needed. He's gotta be so Wright.

4. Don't let Santonio buy and sell any Holmes. Santonio Holmes has been playing well in the past few weeks, catching a TD in each of his last two games and turning short passes into long games. The Browns CANNOT allow him to do any real estate brokering out there on the field, buying and selling homes or Holmes at his leisure. If Santonio is able to acquire a large portfolio of properties on the football field, expect the Browns to be evicted in the end.

5. Don't turn Massaquoi into a passive toy. He must be a massive boy. USE Mohammed Massoquoi effectively. He is Cleveland's top receiver and the only real weapon they have in the passing game, and he must be utilized often against Pittsburgh's suspect secondary. Massaquoi must be used actively, and cannot be allowed to become passive. If Cleveland wins this game, the fans will likely be mentioning afterwards that number 11 really was a massive boy out there.

STEELERS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Remain the Steelers...do not turn into the Peelers or the Revealers. The Steelers MUST remain Steelers and play Steeler football to win this game. They are not good enough right now to simply roll over and play Peeler football and win this game as they have been in the past. Also, Bruce Arians must mix it up enough on offense and Dick LeBeau the same on defense to keep the team from becoming Revealers and revealing the play to the Browns before it starts.

2. Need Sweed to proceed with speed and not greed. This one's simple. 2008 second-round pick Limas Sweed has been labeled a bust by many, however, the Steelers cannot afford to give up on him yet. With WR Hines Ward likely unable to tough out a hamstring concussion, Sweed is going to have to step up and proceed with speed. However, he cannot show any greed like he did in last year's playoffs following a big drop against the Ravens. Sweed's greed in faking an injury caused the team to burn a timeout, which they may need. Sweed must take heed and not continue to recede. If he does this, a fan may show her tits and earn herself a bead.

3. Don't allow the Browns to go downtown and eat Mounds. Calling the recent Steeler pass defense "shoddy" would be an affront to shoddy homes in Haiti. The Steelers pass defense, especially in the fourth quarter, has been downright syphilitic. It has syphilis. The Steelers must remedy this and prevent the Browns from throwing down town and celebrating in the endzone with delicious Mounds candy bars. If the Browns are allowed to throw downtown, they may eat so many Mounds that they develop Type II Diabetes.

4. Stay out of Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. Browns DT Shaun Rogers is one of the few top-end NFL talents on the team, and the Steelers would be wise to avoid running at him if possible. Although Mr. Rogers' neighborhood is typically in Pittsburgh, this week it may be moved to the middle of the Cleveland defensive line. Take the train through the tunnel into Make-Believe, but do it off-tackle.

5. Don't allow Dennis Dixon's dick in. Keep Dennis Dixon's dick out and on the sidelines by protecting Ben Roethlisberger from the Browns pass rush. Ben himself has to take an active role in this task by getting rid of the ball, thus keeping Dennis Dixon's dick where it belongs. While Dixon performed well when his dick was forced into the Baltimore defense, he still showed that he is a young quarterback still adjusting to the NFL game. If Dixon's dick is allowed to come into the game, things may change for the worse quickly for the Steelers.

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Thanks, Gerry! You may all take this information and use it as you wish when placing your bets tonight. Free of charge.



EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that Rogers is out for the year and will not be playing. Whatever. Tell it to Dulac.

Sexually harrassing the English language

Gerry Dulac. Post-Gazette writer. Steelers columnist. Paid to write. Physically collects checks from the PG which he then deposits for actual money with which he can buy things. Material possessions. Probably nicer ones than I am able to afford.

Yet he is also a rapist.

I present my evidence in the form of the article I have just linked to in which Mr. Dulac takes the English language and then just has unprotected rapesex with it. He just date-rapes the language. Here it is, English, meeting Gerry Dulac, who is a professional paid columnist, thinking that he's just going to take it for a nice evening stroll. Just get reacquainted with it, enjoy the nice weather before winter arrives, etc. The language thinks that as a professional, Mr. Dulac is going to have nothing but the utmost respect for her...yet, he takes advantage of her willingness and just date-rapes the absolute fuck out of her right in front of everybody who reads the Post Gazette. It was a cold, classless calculated move by Dulac, and he should be ashamed. Andrea McNulty should be suing him on behalf of the language. I'd certainly believe her in that instance.

Seriously, these are some of the worst puns ever concocted. Dulac just took words and put them next to each other without rhyme or reason like you are just allowed to do that these days or something. I have no idea. Big Pun would be ashamed to have "pun" in his name following this typebortion. From the "To win, the (team) must..." section:

To win, the Broncos must ...

1 Not be yonkos*. They looked intimidated vs. the Ravens and did not match Baltimore's intensity, something they must do vs. the Steelers.

What? What in the coal-powered fuck is that, Dulac? What is a Yonko? You can't just change a name to something that sounds funny and expect that to be cool. It's not. That is not an insult. At least not to the Broncos. Maybe he just insulted Bronko Nagurski. I have no idea. All I know is that Hines Ward better not look like SQUINES Ward out there on the field, right? Am I right? Haaaaa! Chew on that, SQUINES!

EDIT: It was pointed out to me that Myron Cope always called the Broncos "Yonkos". I still don't care. It stays.


2. Buck the big play. They lead the AFC with 23 sacks and have to make sure Ben Roethlisberger doesn't have enough time to throw.

Uhhh, I guess that's ok. You can buck a trend. And broncos can buck...like, real ones, that is. You know, bucking broncos! Maybe these Broncos have to buck in order to prevent the Pittsburgh Steelworkers from completing big plays. Or, maybe he just chose the word "buck" because when combined with "big" in big play it created an alliteration, which just plain read magically. Every time. Cogency be damned.


3 Not let Knowshon be a no-show. The Steelers haven't allowed a 100-yard rusher in 29 games (counting playoffs).

Sigh. Knowshon can't be a no-show! He must show up! He's their running back! Where's my money?

*collects check from PG*

I get it. His name is Knowshon, so he can't be a no-show! Unlike his name, which has "know" in it! Pun fucking City, population Gerry Dulac. DO YOU KNOW-NOTHING, SIR? This is retarded. It's got an extra 21st chromosome.



To win, the Steelers must ...


1. Pile on Orton. He has been efficient for the Broncos, using screens and quick throws to slow the pressure and throwing just one interception.

Because his name is Kyle! So they have to pile on him and sack him! Just like every quarterback. Seriously, is there any time the defense says, "you know what, guys, this guy they got back there...you just...you just don't want to sack him. Run past him, pretend to slip, anything. Just don't sack him! It's going to be terrible for our defense"? I'm expecting the next tip to be "Be the Pittsburgh Scorers...score more points than the other team! Most teams that do this win!" Indeed they do, Gerry. Indeed they do.


2. Not get branded by Marshall. He can create matchup problems in the secondary, especially with S Ryan Clark not playing.

Right! Because his name is Brandon, and his doing well in this football game would be analogous to him branding the Steelers with a hot poker! His steaming visage would be all over this game. And all over Ryan Clark. Even though he's not playing. So maybe it won't be on Ryan Clark. Which is good, because then he won't turn into Fryin' Ryan!!!!!!!


3. Not let Elvis be a hound dog. Dumervil, the AFC sack leader, uses his smallish size (5-11, 248) to get underneath tackles and gain leverage.

Ok, this one hurts my creativity muscles. Just copying and pasting it gave me Carpal-Tunnel. Due to his smallish size, Elvis Dumervil physically crawls underneath tackles and gets into the backfield, getting the opposition All Shook Up. Or, maybe Elvis is a Fool and Rushes In to sack the quarterback. Something like that. He's the KING.


Since Dulac passed out from creative overload after penning this section, I figure that I will help the Post-Gazette and come up with a five-pack of my own for each team. This is free of charge, PG...just send me a nice thank you note and maybe a Doug Legursky-signed Terrible Towel and we'll call it even.


To Win, the Broncos must....


1. Not let Big Ben put his giant clock in your ass. In addition to being the Steeler's QB, Big Ben is also the name of a giant clock. If Big Ben strikes midnight in this game, expect a lot of limping Broncos on the receiving end of this clock-wise fucking.

2. Not get any STDs on defense. The Broncos have to wrap-up on the defensive side if they want to win this game. If they don't wrap-up, they may find themselves the victims of an unwanted teenage pregnancy in the form of Santonio Holmes or Hines Ward turning a short catch into a big play.


3. Not be the Schmenver Concos. Being the Schmenver Concos would suggest that the Broncos are playing zootball on a zootball field, and this is not the NZL. Instead of tassing and grunning the zootball as the Schmenver Concos would do, the Broncos should pass and run the football. Don't play bathmouth zootball behind Skyle Aborton and Goodtoknowshon Dorito.  

4. Allow Correll to corrun. Correll Buckhalter is averaing 6 yards per carry this season, which would CORRELLate very strongly with victory...because 6 yards per carry is good and good things tend to win football games.

5. Not bunt the football, but instead punt it. Bunting the football 4 to 5 yards instead of punting it 40 to 50 will greatly reduce Denver's chances of winning this game. Field position is important, and if Mitch Berger decides to bunt instead of punt, the Steelers could find themselves charging the bunt to field it and then throwing it to first where it will be caught for victory by the first basemen, Rashard Mendenhall.


To win, the Steelers must...


1. Save Private Ryan. Ryan Clark almost died the last time he played in the high Denver altitude, and the Steelers would be very well served to not allow him to die this time. A dead Ryan Clark will be a huge liability in pass coverage, as Emlen Tunnell showed last year playing dimeback for the Detroit Lions.

2. Keep the Broncos from cooking Roethlisburgers and then eating them on the field with a full assortment of condiments and soft drinks. Allowing the Broncos pass rush to continually get into the Steeler backfield, setting up a gas grill and preparing delicious Roethlisburgers to serve to the rest of the team will spell certain doom for Pittsburgh's chances in this ball game. They must prevent the Broncos from having a delicious barbeque at all costs.

3. Don't fall victim to a Royal flush. When playing cards with the Broncos, the Steelers cannot overplay their hand (even if they have quad aces) and fall victim to Eddie Royal playing a royal flush by taking a punt back for a touchdown. Royal played this hand twice against the Chargers in mid-October, beating Philip Rivers' 7-J straight and Norv Turner's nines-over-fours full house. These two hands were enough to tilt the game in favor of the Broncos.

4. Be the Pittsburgh Stealers. Steal the ball from the Broncos. Create turnovers. Interceptions. Fumbles. Physically steal balls from the initial stockpile of gameballs. Don't give the balls back. Keep the balls that you just stole. That is one almost foolproof way for the Steelers to win this game. If the Broncos are unable to even find a ball to play with, their offense will be severely limited.

5. Make sure Mike Wallace is not ball-less. If the Steelers want to open up their running attack, getting some balls to Mike Wallace and not allowing him to go ball-less will surely help them to do so. The explosive rookie is one of the fastest players on the field, and there is no reason for Benjamin R. Roethlisberger to keep him ball-less. Ben must hit Wallace with his balls. As usual, the R. stands for "rape".


So there you go, PG! Free of charge! You can even put them under Dulac's name for all I care.