Peter King attempts to analyze

Oh, Peter. Trying to rank the top QBs in the NFL (again...the last time he did this was just as quixotic to follow). By categories, asking the "experts", and then Peter King-ing his own expert opinion after each breakdown. Let's take a look.



America can't get enough of quarterbacks. Highest-profile players in the biggest game in the nation. Coolest guys on the field. So who among them is the best today? Most people would agree it's Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, but I wanted to go deeper into the argument, so I broke down the position into nine categories, added one more to factor in the best quarterback teacher and assembled a panel of five experts to weigh in: former NFL coaches Brian Billick and Mike Shanahan, former MVP quarterback Rich Gannon, longtime scout and former Browns general manager Phil Savage and NFL Network personnel maven Mike Mayock, who might watch more game tape than even Bill Belichick. Each panelist voted for his top five in each category, then points were assigned on a 5-4-3-2-1 basis and tallied. Where there were ties, I broke them.

To rank the best QBs, I decided to rank the best QB coaches. Later, watch as I rank grocery chains by font.



Finally, there was this slap in the face to Eli Manning—or to the Giants' brass, who last month made him the highest-paid quarterback in football: Peyton's brother was not named on any ballot in any category.

That's because he sucks. It's not a "slap in the face". He's just not that good at being a QB.




Best Overall

1 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

2 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

3 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

4 Ben Roethlisberger
Pittsburgh Steelers

5 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

KING SAYS: The surprise is at No. 3, where Brees edged Roethlisberger. I respect the panel's vote because the easy move would be to put last year's Super Bowl hero up with Brady and Peyton Manning. But Brees's last two seasons—averaging 4,746 yards and 66.3% completions—were phenomenal. Big Ben had seven more regular-season wins in that span, but I'd like to see Brees with a Steelers-style defense on his side.

Whatever. Fine with me. Nice attempt to realize that there are 52 other players on an NFL roster, although it could have been better.


Best Deep Arm

1 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

2 Carson Palmer
Cincinnati Bengals

3 JaMarcus Russell
Oakland Raiders

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

KING SAYS: Where's Lions rookie Matthew Stafford? By midseason the voters on my panel will be saying, "Stafford's in the top three." Cutler has a chance this year to be the quarterback who finally cuts through the winds in the Windy City and becomes the Dan Fouts the franchise hasn't had. "His arm hasn't let anyone down," Bears G.M. Jerry Angelo told me in training camp. "It's spectacular."

And it only took this long for him to be Peter King. OMG WHERE'S STAFFORD! Just wait until all of my experts realize what I say they are going to realize by midseason. Don't they listen to me? Who cares if he hasn't taken a snap yet. Don't they realize how much I know about college football?

If only Brian Billick knew what Peter King knows.





Best Game Manager

1 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

2 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

3 Chad Pennington
Miami Dolphins

4 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

5 Kurt Warner
Arizona Cardinals

KING SAYS: Peyton Manning was first on all but one ballot, and you can't argue with his encyclopedic knowledge of the game. (Pennington got the other first-place vote.) I would have ranked Warner higher, but I understand why he wasn't. Though the 12th-year veteran is capable of running the game himself, last year's coordinator in Arizona, Todd Haley, kept a tight hold on the play-calling.


Peyton Manning knows EXACTLY how many downs you get before you have to punt. This category was just retarded.




Toughest

1 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

2 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

3 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 David Garrard
Jacksonville Jaguars

KING SAYS: In the last three years Brees has come back from career-threatening shoulder surgery to lead the Saints to the NFC title game, overcome a dislocated elbow to throw for 4,400 yards and this summer is dealing with the recent death of his mother. "The toughest player, mentally and physically, you could ask for at the most important position in football," says his coach, Sean Payton.


Yeah. We'll see how YOU play when your parents are killed, David Garrard!





Most Athletic

1 Michael Vick
Philadelphia Eagles

2 Pat White
Miami Dolphins

3 Tony Romo
Dallas Cowboys

4 Donovan McNabb
Philadelphia Eagles

5 Vince Young
Tennessee Titans

KING SAYS: White? Ahead of Young? I didn't give the voters instructions on factoring playing time into this process, but they seem to be thinking: Miami's multithreat rookie will get six or eight snaps a game, minimum; we have no idea if Young will play six or eight snaps this year. And rating Vick No. 1 affirms the belief that Andy Reid will use his new weapon early and often.


It doesn't matter how many snaps Young takes. Pat White is still twice the pure athlete that Vince Young is. "Oh my God, I didn't tell the voters that they should vote the way I would! How can I explain their ridiculous behavior?" Stop trying to analyze, Pete.

I'm going to skip a few now.



Best Chance for Breakout Season

1 Matt Schaub
Houston Texans

2 Mark Sanchez
New York Jets

3 Trent Edwards
Buffalo Bills

4 Jason Campbell
Washington Redskins

5 Chad Henne
Miami Dolphins

KING SAYS: I like this pick. Over the last two years Schaub has missed 10 games because of injuries sustained when he was hit illegally or late; in the 22 games in which he has played, he has averaged 7.9 yards per attempt (to Peyton Manning's 7.5 over the last two seasons). Schaub might get hurt again this year, but if he plays a full slate in Gary Kubiak's offense, I see him being a 4,000-yard passer.


Hmmm, where would you guys get this idea? Maybe from the fact that he was 5th in the NFL in passer rating last year, or threw for 3,000 yards in 11 games? Your crystal ball is apparently Google.




Best Quarterback in 2015

1 Matt Ryan
Atlanta Falcons

2 Aaron Rodgers
Green Bay Packers

3 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

4 Phillip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

5 Joe Falcco
Baltimore Ravens

KING SAYS: Here's a slam dunk. Ryan was a more precocious rookie than even Peyton Manning was, and he'll be 30 at the start of the 2015 season. You might argue that Cutler (who'll be 32) will be better six years from now. But I'll take the Boston College kid because he has a home field dome (always a plus for a passer), an unflappable nature and the determination to improve his game.


You may argue that Cutler will be better in six years because, well, because he's almost the same age as Ryan and better now. But, I mean, other than that, it's a fucking slam dunk. It's almost like I asked this question Chris Paul, who threw it up to David West, who then took the question and dunked "Matt Ryan" throw the hoop I had affixed to my computer. And he's got a good point about the unflappable Ryan, a man who just CANNOT be flapped. Any bird with Matt Ryan for wings if going to fall right out of the sky, as those wings will just be completely unflappable.

Fucking Peter King. I don't know why I hate his writing so much.