Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Did you think I was joking?


A few days ago, Peter King typed up some words for the internet. To be read by a large amount of actual people, purportedly to get some football analysis from one of the supposed top analyzers of football. Ignoring that Peter King has no idea what he's talking about and just tells stupid anecdotes he gains from his insider NFL access, you know, "I was showering with Herm Edwards the other day and he said that Tyler Thigpen's favorite color is men".

Well, in this column, Peter wrote this:

"Why does Rutgers end up in these Single-A bowls every year? There can't be 15 teams in America playing better over the last five or six weeks."

I was shocked to read such stupidity. I responded by mentioning that a full post could probably be addressed to this statement. And now, here we are. Sweet.

Anyways, Rutgers is one of those teams that has a big year in college football for any number of reasons but fades back to reality far before their fans are ready to let go of their infatuation with this new relevance they have been given. Other examples are South Florida, Hawaii, and I'm guessing Missouri will be on this list as well. Well, some people thought Rutgers was in for big things this year. I'm guessing Peter King was one of them, as he's surprised that Rutgers hasn't been in the Orange Bowl in the past couple years or something. Let's look at their season.


9/01 Fresno State 0-1 (0-0) L 24-7
9/11 North Carolina 0-2 (0-0) L 44-12
9/20 @ Navy 0-3 (0-0) L 23-21
9/27 Morgan State 1-3 (0-0) W 38-0
10/04 @ West Virginia 1-4 (0-1) L 24-17
10/11 @ Cincinnati 1-5 (0-2) L 13-10
10/18 Connecticut 2-5 (1-2) W 12-10
10/25 @ No. 17 Pittsburgh 3-5 (2-2) W 54-34
11/08 Syracuse 4-5 (3-2) W 35-17
11/15 @ South Florida 5-5 (4-2) W 49-16
11/22 Army 6-5 (4-2) W 30-3
12/04 Louisville 7-5 (5-2) W 63-14

Impressive. 3 losses right off the bat, Navy being the only close one. Now, Navy is decent, but nothing even close to resembling a power. North Carolina had flashes of top-25 worthiness this year before falling apart at the end, and they absolutely destroyed Rutgers.

"Oh", Peter King says, "nice reading comprehension. I said there are not 15 teams in the past 6 games playing better than Rutgers".

And then he laughs snarkily. That's about the point where I take the Zima bottle he is drinking, break it over the table that his daughter Mary Beth is getting fucked by Pops Mensa-Bonsu on, hold it to his fat buttery neck and say:

"Ok, you fat motherfucker, let's look at their 6 game winning streak. Starting with squeaking out a win over a middle of the Big East UConn team, they go and get their one single impressive victory of the entire fucking season over Pitt. That's it. They beat one ranked team. Do you realize that teams like Oklahoma and Florida play ranked teams on their off-days? Then they go and finish against Syracuse, South Florida, Army and Louisville, which is probably one of the least impressive four game stretches you can possibly play. Syracuse and Army are two of the worst teams in the country, and South Florida and Louisville have each shown an impressive ability to suck against decent competition. Do you understand how bad Syracuse is? And your newly top 15 team had to rally to tie it at 14 at the half? You really think Syracuse is going into the half tied against Georgia? YOU THINK SCORING 63 ON LOUISVILLE PUTS YOUR SORRY ASS TEAM IN THE ROSE BOWL!?!?"

I would then chase him around the kitchen while Mary Beth timidly jacks off Pops Mensa-Bonsu in the corner of the room. "The whole season counts, Peter! Your 7-5 joke of a team is not going to the Sugar Bowl! Do you hear me? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME YOU LATTE CHUGGING JIZZCUSHION???"

The whole season counts, you cream sipping fuck. Beating Louisville handily to go to 7-5 does not a major bowl invite make. You know why? Because the majority of the college football world knows that Rutgers sucks and does not want to watch them play against Oregon on New Year's Day. We already have to watch Cincinnati come out of your fucking joke of a conference to play Virginia Tech in the most uninspiring major bowl matchup I've ever seen in my entire life. The last thing we want to do is add Rutgers to this joke-off.

God damn it, Peter King. Why? WHY!?!?!

5 comments:

Symo said...

As much of a fan as I am of Rutgers, they lost my vote after week 3. Put up or shut up, and well, it's looked like shut up since the beginning of the season. Better luck next year Rutgers.

Anonymous said...

Cincinnati plays VT in the Orange. Utah gets Alabama in the Sugar. Jus' sayin'.

Vern said...

Whoops. I should have known that, I was just talking about it last night.

No, that's good. Because that's an even worse matchup. At least Utah will be given a shot to prove that they are legit.

Rage said...

Somebody actually drinks Zima? You make solid points, my man, and nobody on the Gore spouts hyperbole and pseudo-dialogue like you. Look, Vern, if Mich Albom(or whatev) can sell a fucking book, so can you. Quit fuckin around and get hot.

White But Still Hip said...

Rutgers sucks dick at basketball too. They'll maybe win 5 games in the big east this season. Maybe. Marquette Holla