Monday, December 8, 2008

Peter King's weekly circle jerk with words

Yeah, I know, I know...KSK does it. I don't care, though. I've wanted to do something similar in the past for this buttery fuckstick of a writer and since Fire Joe Morgan went down, I think that this practice is now part of the public domain. Plus, Peter King is fat enough to support multiple people belittling his coffee and Favre-jizz soaked columns every week.

NEW YORK -- Did someone say Miracle of the Ketchup Bottle?

No, because that would be fucking retarded and they would be laughed at.

I don't know how Wes Welker did what he did in Seattle. I mean this in a very positive way: In a business with a lot of interesting physical specimens, Welker is a freak of nature. Welker took the hit of a career last week against Pittsburgh across the middle, getting blown up by safety Ryan Clark on a vicious, but clean, hit. I wondered all week how Welker would respond. Would he miss any time? Call in sick? Beg his mother not to make him ever go out there again?

He got hit shoulder to shoulder. He didn't get hit in the fucking vagina, Peter. This is written like Wes Welker just got back from taking a bullet in Vietnam but somehow found the courage to not have his mom call Bill Belichick and beg to keep him out of the game. The fact that he didn't die from taking a hit in an NFL football game does not make him a physical specimen.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with Texas Tech coach Mike Leach, who coached Welker in college. "He's indestructible,'' Leach said. Couldn't have said it better. I hope the Patriots realize Welker's incredible value.

Indestructable enough to miss the rest of the game in which he got destroyed.

My in-laws are from Pittsburgh, so I know what I'm talking about here: DeShea Townsend will never have to buy a shot and a beer in that town again.

Yes. Yes he will. Next week, football teams from around the NFL will play another regular season game. Eventually people will stop buying shots and beer for DeShea Townsend, especially because he's going to get really sick.

There are some serious -- I mean, very serious -- communication issues on the field between Tony Romo and Jason Witten.

I agree. What was that, one, maybe two plays? Blow it up, Jerry Jones. If Townsend doesn't pick that ball off and house it, Peter King doesn't write this sentence. Of course, if mayonnaise wasn't so delicious, Peter King wouldn't eat it straight from the jar.

14. Arizona (8-5). Still, don't ask me if they can beat anyone in January.

Wasn't planning on it.

Brian Westbrook, RB, Philadelphia. One day, if Westbrook stays healthy for three more years, there's a decent chance we'll discuss his credentials seriously for the Hall of Fame. If we do, someone will bring up this game against the Giants, with his team's season on the line.

Wanna bet? I'll go with Brian Westbrook didn't just play his way into the Hall of Fame this week.

Last summer I watched Mason sign every last autograph after a Ravens' training-camp practice in Westminster, Md. I mean, he signed for 57 minutes, maybe one every five or seven seconds, all the while sprinkling in comments and answers to questions all these kids and adults had. Remarkable, really. And I was told this isn't something Mason does two or three times in camp. It's something he does every day. "Why not do it?'' he told me. "These people come to support us, every year. Maybe they can't make it to a game, or they can't afford to go to a game. They're big fans, too. They deserve our attention.''

Knock me over with a feather, why don't you.

There's no way this guy isn't gay. Seriously...he loves the taste of frenulum. Wow! Derek Mason has the ability to converse with fans! Why is this remarkable? Why? WHY!?!?!?!?! The fact that he didn't pull his dick out on the spot and start pissing on them? Maybe he'll tickle your balls with a feather, you homo.

I have owed the "Good Guy of the Week'' to Mason all season, and I should have gotten to him earlier. The other day I asked Mason about the Plaxico Burress story, and how much it was impacting his life, and the life of his teammates. "We've talked about it quite a bit,'' he said. "Plaxico is a colleague of ours, even if a lot of our players are not close to him. He made a terrible mistake, and I hope it doesn't, but it could cost him his career. You've got to be smart when you go out. You've got to go to the right places with the right people. The way the world is now, with the economy hurting so bad, people are desperate out there. And when people are desperate, they might do crazy things.''

I asked Mason about owning a gun. "I don't own one,'' he said. "I really don't want to. But I am thinking about it now.''

What the fuck does this have to do with being the good guy of the week? The fact that he's thinking about getting a gun to protect him from shooting himself in the leg? I don't even get this segue. This segue was stupider than the one that George Bush fell off of.

"We're not trying to land on the moon here,'' Atlanta coach Mike Smith said Friday. "It's a football game. The idea is to keep your players as fresh as possible late in the season while continue to teach them what they need to know to play each week.''

Who could argue with that? But coaches have different ways of getting to that point, and one of the reasons the Falcons have been revived this year (probably not a major reason, but it's part of the puzzle) is the smart way Smith has gotten his team to practice.

Holy fucking hell. You've been covering the NFL for how long and you didn't know that teams don't spend four straight hours a day doing full contact Oklahoma drills? These $60 million investments don't run around all week cut blocking each other on a striped parking lot? Even I knew this you male lesbian.

Lots of good selections out there this year, and I've highlighted nine of them here that I think will be appealing to real football fans. I've asked a future journalism star and pride of Montclair High's class of 2009, Emily Kaplan, with some guidance from me, to pick out short passages from each book so you'll get a flavor of what they're about. (Memo to deans of journalism schools across the United States: If you see an application in the file from Emily Kaplan, Montclair, N.J., she has my unstinting seal of approval. This kid has a chance to be really good.)

Why do you type this stuff? No one gives a fuck with Emily Kaplan thinks about football books. In fact, I hope she gets fisted by Wolverine.

Keith Olbermann on the happenings in the Motor City: "The Lions haven't won since the presidency of James K. Polk.''

Hahaha, I get it, it's exaggeration! Because football wasn't even invented yet when Polk was in office. Get it? It's hilarious!

I could still see the Chiefs drafting a quarterback in the first three rounds and having him challenge Tyler Thigpen and Brodie Croyle for quarterback-of-the-future in Chiefland.

Have you watched a football game this year? Be honest. Really? And you still think Brodie Croyle might have a chance of unseating Tyler Thigpen? Seriously?

I simply do not understand why the Bills scheduled the Miami game in December as their indoor game in Toronto. What a huge competitive edge for the Dolphins.

Please explain. Do you really think the Buffalo players are all from Buffalo and that the Miami players are all from Miami? Or that Buffalo players don't get cold? Or maybe the Dolphins players aren't warm blooded mammals...yeah. That one. I'm going with that one.

I'd worry about that Marion Barber dislocated toe if I were the Cowboys.

I'd worry about any injury to a significant player on my NFL team if I had an NFL team because it would hurt their significant play for my NFL team.

Marvelous Millen Legacy Dept.: Detroit drafted wide receivers Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, Mike Williams and Calvin Johnson in the top 10 of the draft between 2003 and 2007. Rogers is out of football, and in an Oakland County (Mich.) jail for probation violation. Roy Williams has been traded to Dallas. Mike Williams is out of football. Calvin Johnson looks like he'll be a good NFL receiver. On Sunday, against Minnesota, the following were Detroit's first three receivers: Johnson, John Standeford (up and down from the practice squad much of the year) and Keary Colbert (signed last Monday). What a debacle.

Now that humor is just fresh. It's fresher than the freshest of fresh Starbucks lattes.

Interesting note about that (some old game in 1940 or something) game: The Cardinals scored single touchdowns in each quarter. The Eagles scored single touchdown in every quarter but the first.

I'm honestly not interested. Mainly because I do not care about when the touchdowns in the 1947 NFL championship game were scored.

I think O.J. Simpson should not be removed from the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Here's why:

Because he didn't murder anybody on the field? Because it's the NFL Hall of Fame and not Peter King's Court of Reflective Moral Judgment?

Roddy White is making a believer out of me. He's a different player under this coaching staff and with a quarterback he believes in.

He's also leading the ENTIRE FUCKING NFL in receiving yards.

Kevin Walter has 10 more receiving yards than Randy Moss, three more than Terrell Owens. Ever hear of him? Matt Schaub has.

Uhhh...yes, I have heard of him. Ever hear of Roddy White? Matt Ryan has. Ever hear of unprotected man-on-man locker room sex? Greg Louganis has.

The Ravens, even by Rex Ryan's lofty standards, are setting a new record for defensive relentlessness.

Ohhh, sweet, can we measure it in "kings"? The Ravens set an NFL record with 58 kings!

I know they lost. But the Seahawks -- Deion Branch, Seneca Wallace and a battered offensive line, especially, should take a bow for showing up against New England.

Congratulations, NFL players who showed up to play an NFL game. You guys deserve to be paid for your efforts.

Like my good pal Donnie "Brasco" Banks wrote yesterday, Gary Kubiak is very much off the hot seat in Houston.

You are like Chris Berman's retarded cousin, but instead of hitting on leather-bound bar floozies you drink 9 shots of expresso and drive your Hyundai across the PA turnpike to count the gas stations.

Can you believe the Lions' fourth-and-a-foot call right before halftime by Colletto? Sending Daunte Culpepper behind right guard, into the teeth of the marauding Williams brothers, the best run-stuffing combination at defensive tackle in football? Terrible call, and Culpepper didn't get an inch. What possible logic is there to that call? It's almost a fireable call.

Calling a QB sneak on 4th and one with Daunte Culpepper behind center is a fireable call?

Was every Tony Romo throw sailing five feet high in Pittsburgh? That's how it looked to me.

Must have been the communication breakdown between Romo and Jason Witten, who Romo thought was going to be eleven feet tall.

I think my coach of the year vote is going to come down to five men: Mike Smith, Tom Coughlin, Jeff Fisher, Tony Sparano and Bill Belichick. I welcome your comments. The last three weeks will weigh heavily, because this is close.

Now this is just my homer opinion, but why is Tomlin not on here? Belichick is? I mean, yeah he lost Brady, but he's guided a team coming off a 16-0 season to a one in three chance of sneaking into the playoffs out of a mediocre division.

Only one show in history can make me howl out loud over the pronunciation of "Cool Whip.'' You guessed it. Family Guy. I am dying to meet Brian the dog.

I will honestly buy you a knife and send it to you free of charge if you promise to stab yourself in the face with it.

I wonder what sportswriting will be like in five years. We all better get used to writing for the web. I fear the increasing irrelevance of newspapers and magazines that you can actually hold in your hands.

Shut the fuck up. You are the reason that people don't want to read sportswriting in newspapers and magazines anymore. The knife offer still stands.

Coffeenerdness: Don't remember ever waiting 18 minutes in Starbucks before, but I did Saturday afternoon in Montclair. Isn't there a recession going on?

Yes. There is a recession. So if Starbucks stops selling $5 coffees and starts selling 3-bedroom houses, the lines may shrink.

Why does Rutgers end up in these Single-A bowls every year? There can't be 15 teams in America playing better over the last five or six weeks.

Why do you pretend to know anything about college football? I could devote a whole post to this one statement. There are at least 15 teams in America that would beat Rutgers by 30 even if they were playing in Greg Schiano's basement. Because they beat Syracuse and Army, they should go to a major bowl? Are you fucking retarded?

Tampa Bay 20, Carolina 13. The hardest thing about predicting games is trying to figure out which team will show up on a given night. Not Tampa. Maybe the Bucs offense. But the defense -- that's about as regular as Aunt Mildred on six fiber caplets a day.

Your column is about as retarded as Aunt Mildred's daughter on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

God damn, do I hate Peter King. And this week's effort was one of his better ones.


Uncle Ebenezer said...

Dude, you should be a sportswriter. You are much more insightful than most of the sportswriters out there now.

And, "I will honestly buy you a knife and send it to you free of charge if you promise to stab yourself in the face with it." Made me pee it was so funny.

Rage said...

"You are like Chris Berman's retarded cousin, but instead of hitting on leather-bound bar floozies you drink 9 shots of expresso and drive your Hyundai across the PA turnpike to count the gas stations."

Vern, be honest with've done this haven't you...the espressos and car can tell me, I'm your friend..

Major points for using "frenulum" in a sentence.

@Uncle Eb.-no way. He's more insightful to US, but the minute he started drinking the SI Kool-Aid, he'd be a giggly little Peter King troglodyte. I like him where he is. Besides, would SI let him have a picture of Osgood holding a giant penis aloft? I think not...

Vern said...

Thanks, Ebenezer, but I agree that the media outlets would not find my subject matter printable.

And Rage, you may not be too well versed in the retardatry that is Peter King, but he's always talking about how many Starbucks there are on I-76 through PA. He's that gay.