Yo Ben...take a break from that film. You might rape somebody again.

Pictured is David Cornwell, a former NFL attorney who now has a field of work that involves, well, making problems for NFL players go away. You can read about him here. Seems like a bad-ass motherf-er.

Of course, that would make him a natural to get involved with Ben Roethlisberger's RAPEAPALOOZA 2010, the latest in an annual rapefest put on the Steelers quarterback. He's been working with Roger Goodell to build the terms of Ben's suspension and eventual return to doing what he loves most...missing quick reads on the football field.

Cornwell wrote a letter to Roger Goodell recently, and the letter was intercepted by noted slueth Peterfluous R. King of Sports Illustrated (the "R" stands for Reconnaissance). It's down a bit on that page.

Dear Commissioner Goodell:

I am confident that we share the same view of the men who play professional football. While the public sees men of extraordinary athletic prowess, rarely is there any acknowledgement of the years of physical and mental preparation or the commitment that is made merely to be in the position to compete on Sundays. This pervasive blind spot tends to cause the public and the media to focus primarily on the football player and not the man who plays football. But, we know better.

My view is that too often there is an inverse relationship between the player's talent and the man's ability to confront and overcome challenges of life away from the game. I have gotten to know Ben extremely well over the past year. Watching Ben off the field has given me great insight into why he has been so successful on it. Ben's rectilinear approach and his method of analysis -- processing things as a quarterback so that he is in control -- have served him well as a football player, but this singular focus is the primary reason that he is facing the challenges that he currently confronts. Life cedes control to no man.

Though I could not have predicted these specifics, I am not surprised that Ben is dealing with a challenge of personal development. His passion for football and the remarkable success resulting from his commitment to the game necessarily means that he has compromised his development in other areas. No person has unlimited capacity. I believe that Ben's challenge is to channel some of the energy he has committed to becoming an extraordinary player into becoming an equally extraordinary person.

While Ben's sexual activities may offend some, anyone would have been hard pressed to predict that Ben's actions would have resulted in such vicious and false allegations. Ben bears exclusive responsibility for the consequences of his choices, but that does not mean that these particular consequences were foreseeable. Whether it is in the privacy of a hotel room or in the more risky environment of a semi-public restroom, a false allegation of rape simply is not within the zone of the foreseeable consequences of consensual sex.

There are two prongs to the intended effect of discipline. One is to discourage repetition of the offending behavior. The other is to encourage behavior that is more consistent with accepted principles and/or established procedures. What Ben should not have done is abundantly clear. What he should have done differently remains elusive. None of the numerous people with whom I have discussed this matter has offered a tangible alternative to the choices that Ben made other than to suggest that Ben "make better choices" in the future.

I cannot fathom how a suspension or any other form of traditional discipline will help Ben make a better choice the next time he decides to have consensual sex. The difficulty that Ben had in articulating a distinction between the risks associated with private and semi-public sex is the product of the undeniable similarity between the Reno and Georgia accusations, even though one event occurred in the privacy of Ben's hotel room and the other in a semi-public bathroom.

As you consider your options, I hope you will focus on an approach that establishes a direct nexus between your response and the issue to which it responds. Whether I am considering these options as Ben's advocate or as the person who has had the privilege of engaging in frank discussions with you unburdened by our professional affiliations, I am unable to discern a link between a suspension and any useful lesson or message that would tend to alter Ben's conduct in the future.

This is one of the more challenging conduct issues that you have confronted because the fundamental issue does not involve an arrest or criminal charges. This is an issue of lifestyle and the need to develop the tools and a method for addressing the unique challenges and opportunities that flow from the stature and celebrity enjoyed by the men who play football. I trust Ben's private conversation with you gave you a glimpse into the difficulty he had in distinguishing who he is from what he does. The public and media have yet to master this distinction. In considering where all of this will lead us, I take comfort in knowing that Ben is not the first 28 year old man to confront the reality of his actions being inconsistent with his values. Luckily, most of us have the benefit of navigating the treacherous waters of maturation outside of the glare of the media and the public.

Following a recent disciplinary hearing, you and I discussed privately your commitment to address each case based on its unique set of facts, without regard for the rancor of the public and the press. I know your commitment remains unchanged. We have also discussed my view that under certain circumstances imposing traditional discipline following a meeting between you and a player tends to devalue the impact of your unique qualities as Commissioner. While your authority emanates from the NFL Constitution and Bylaws, your effectiveness is the product of your ability to connect with the men who play the game in a manner that neither of your predecessors enjoyed.

The nuanced and dynamic nature of the issues that got us here requires an equally nuanced and dynamic response. I look forward to continuing our discussions so that we can structure such an appropriate response.

Very truly yours,

DC

Let me bold one of these parts for emphasis:

Though I could not have predicted these specifics, I am not surprised that Ben is dealing with a challenge of personal development. His passion for football and the remarkable success resulting from his commitment to the game necessarily means that he has compromised his development in other areas. No person has unlimited capacity. I believe that Ben's challenge is to channel some of the energy he has committed to becoming an extraordinary player into becoming an equally extraordinary person.

Forget the rest of the letter, a lot of which I actually agree with. When I cockwhip some chick in public, it doesn't make it to TMZ. BUT...the thought that Ben is out bein' all rapey because he's spending so much time in the film room is one of the most asinine things I've ever heard in my life. And I once listened to Glenn Beck's radio show daily. Ben is just...he is not and likely never will be known for his "commitment to the game". He's not Peyton Manning. Or Tom Brady. Or Jerry Rice. Or the ghost of Steve McNair. Or anyone noted for anything even kind of related to commitment and passion and anything like that. You never saw Jon Gruden punching bitches in the face and blaming it on a 20-hour day at the office. Hines Ward never raped anyone with his tiny Asian wang and attributed it to the extreme passion he has for blocking. Santonio Holmes never....well, never mind. Point is, that's not Ben. And even if it were Ben, it would likely be ridiculous.

I'll buy the concussions theory. That may have some validity and could use some extra study. But saying that Ben Roethlisberger is a tremendous douche because he loves football so much? That repulses the part of my brain that processes information. It legitimately paused while I yelled at it to work and tell me what I had just read. Then it tried to quit and I had to talk it down from the ledge.

Can football possibly be the only thing that would cause such a condition? We'll call it "Personal Evolution Nearly Impossible Syndrome" (PENIS). Ben cannot be the only athlete or other personality suffering from PENIS, can he? Did Kobe Bryant's PENIS cause him to rape that chick in Colorado? Does somebody like the aforementioned Glenn Beck have such a history of douchiness because of PENIS? Bill Cowher obviously had some tremendous passion for football...how did he steer clear of PENIS during his career? And when did Ben's PENIS first take hold? How old are you when you learn not to rape? 20? I doubt Ben was all about football during his time at Miami Ohio, but then again, I'm only basing that on just about every anecdote I've ever heard about his time there.

So play it safe, kids, and take a break from that homework. You wouldn't want geometry to lead to a sexual assault.

Peter King attempts to analyze

Oh, Peter. Trying to rank the top QBs in the NFL (again...the last time he did this was just as quixotic to follow). By categories, asking the "experts", and then Peter King-ing his own expert opinion after each breakdown. Let's take a look.



America can't get enough of quarterbacks. Highest-profile players in the biggest game in the nation. Coolest guys on the field. So who among them is the best today? Most people would agree it's Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, but I wanted to go deeper into the argument, so I broke down the position into nine categories, added one more to factor in the best quarterback teacher and assembled a panel of five experts to weigh in: former NFL coaches Brian Billick and Mike Shanahan, former MVP quarterback Rich Gannon, longtime scout and former Browns general manager Phil Savage and NFL Network personnel maven Mike Mayock, who might watch more game tape than even Bill Belichick. Each panelist voted for his top five in each category, then points were assigned on a 5-4-3-2-1 basis and tallied. Where there were ties, I broke them.

To rank the best QBs, I decided to rank the best QB coaches. Later, watch as I rank grocery chains by font.



Finally, there was this slap in the face to Eli Manning—or to the Giants' brass, who last month made him the highest-paid quarterback in football: Peyton's brother was not named on any ballot in any category.

That's because he sucks. It's not a "slap in the face". He's just not that good at being a QB.




Best Overall

1 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

2 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

3 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

4 Ben Roethlisberger
Pittsburgh Steelers

5 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

KING SAYS: The surprise is at No. 3, where Brees edged Roethlisberger. I respect the panel's vote because the easy move would be to put last year's Super Bowl hero up with Brady and Peyton Manning. But Brees's last two seasons—averaging 4,746 yards and 66.3% completions—were phenomenal. Big Ben had seven more regular-season wins in that span, but I'd like to see Brees with a Steelers-style defense on his side.

Whatever. Fine with me. Nice attempt to realize that there are 52 other players on an NFL roster, although it could have been better.


Best Deep Arm

1 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

2 Carson Palmer
Cincinnati Bengals

3 JaMarcus Russell
Oakland Raiders

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

KING SAYS: Where's Lions rookie Matthew Stafford? By midseason the voters on my panel will be saying, "Stafford's in the top three." Cutler has a chance this year to be the quarterback who finally cuts through the winds in the Windy City and becomes the Dan Fouts the franchise hasn't had. "His arm hasn't let anyone down," Bears G.M. Jerry Angelo told me in training camp. "It's spectacular."

And it only took this long for him to be Peter King. OMG WHERE'S STAFFORD! Just wait until all of my experts realize what I say they are going to realize by midseason. Don't they listen to me? Who cares if he hasn't taken a snap yet. Don't they realize how much I know about college football?

If only Brian Billick knew what Peter King knows.





Best Game Manager

1 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

2 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

3 Chad Pennington
Miami Dolphins

4 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

5 Kurt Warner
Arizona Cardinals

KING SAYS: Peyton Manning was first on all but one ballot, and you can't argue with his encyclopedic knowledge of the game. (Pennington got the other first-place vote.) I would have ranked Warner higher, but I understand why he wasn't. Though the 12th-year veteran is capable of running the game himself, last year's coordinator in Arizona, Todd Haley, kept a tight hold on the play-calling.


Peyton Manning knows EXACTLY how many downs you get before you have to punt. This category was just retarded.




Toughest

1 Drew Brees
New Orleans Saints

2 Philip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

3 Peyton Manning
Indianapolis Colts

4 Tom Brady
New England Patriots

5 David Garrard
Jacksonville Jaguars

KING SAYS: In the last three years Brees has come back from career-threatening shoulder surgery to lead the Saints to the NFC title game, overcome a dislocated elbow to throw for 4,400 yards and this summer is dealing with the recent death of his mother. "The toughest player, mentally and physically, you could ask for at the most important position in football," says his coach, Sean Payton.


Yeah. We'll see how YOU play when your parents are killed, David Garrard!





Most Athletic

1 Michael Vick
Philadelphia Eagles

2 Pat White
Miami Dolphins

3 Tony Romo
Dallas Cowboys

4 Donovan McNabb
Philadelphia Eagles

5 Vince Young
Tennessee Titans

KING SAYS: White? Ahead of Young? I didn't give the voters instructions on factoring playing time into this process, but they seem to be thinking: Miami's multithreat rookie will get six or eight snaps a game, minimum; we have no idea if Young will play six or eight snaps this year. And rating Vick No. 1 affirms the belief that Andy Reid will use his new weapon early and often.


It doesn't matter how many snaps Young takes. Pat White is still twice the pure athlete that Vince Young is. "Oh my God, I didn't tell the voters that they should vote the way I would! How can I explain their ridiculous behavior?" Stop trying to analyze, Pete.

I'm going to skip a few now.



Best Chance for Breakout Season

1 Matt Schaub
Houston Texans

2 Mark Sanchez
New York Jets

3 Trent Edwards
Buffalo Bills

4 Jason Campbell
Washington Redskins

5 Chad Henne
Miami Dolphins

KING SAYS: I like this pick. Over the last two years Schaub has missed 10 games because of injuries sustained when he was hit illegally or late; in the 22 games in which he has played, he has averaged 7.9 yards per attempt (to Peyton Manning's 7.5 over the last two seasons). Schaub might get hurt again this year, but if he plays a full slate in Gary Kubiak's offense, I see him being a 4,000-yard passer.


Hmmm, where would you guys get this idea? Maybe from the fact that he was 5th in the NFL in passer rating last year, or threw for 3,000 yards in 11 games? Your crystal ball is apparently Google.




Best Quarterback in 2015

1 Matt Ryan
Atlanta Falcons

2 Aaron Rodgers
Green Bay Packers

3 Jay Cutler
Chicago Bears

4 Phillip Rivers
San Diego Chargers

5 Joe Falcco
Baltimore Ravens

KING SAYS: Here's a slam dunk. Ryan was a more precocious rookie than even Peyton Manning was, and he'll be 30 at the start of the 2015 season. You might argue that Cutler (who'll be 32) will be better six years from now. But I'll take the Boston College kid because he has a home field dome (always a plus for a passer), an unflappable nature and the determination to improve his game.


You may argue that Cutler will be better in six years because, well, because he's almost the same age as Ryan and better now. But, I mean, other than that, it's a fucking slam dunk. It's almost like I asked this question Chris Paul, who threw it up to David West, who then took the question and dunked "Matt Ryan" throw the hoop I had affixed to my computer. And he's got a good point about the unflappable Ryan, a man who just CANNOT be flapped. Any bird with Matt Ryan for wings if going to fall right out of the sky, as those wings will just be completely unflappable.

Fucking Peter King. I don't know why I hate his writing so much.

Actual Peter King stuff

I wasn't going to do this, but when I saw the actual Peter King MMQB this week, I couldn't resist. And I'm going to leave most of the article alone. However, the "Ten Things I Think" section this week is an absolute gold mine of bad sportswriting.


a. The Houston Texans signed Dan Orlovsky for $9.15 million over three years. Stunning. They really think of Orlovsky as a solid backup quarterback? On what planet?

The planet where he had a decent 8 TD 8 INT performance for one of the worst teams in the history of the NFL? In his first season seeing legitimate NFL playing time? Behind a horrid line? Is it just because he ran out of the endzone on that one play? Because if it is, just admit. It will make a whole lot of sense to a lot of people. Really. Come on, Pete.



b. Fred Taylor, humble, helpful, classic unselfish vet,115 carries this year. Perfect fit in Foxboro.

Yes, New England, the place where they look for classy vets who have yet to rape anybody and who had 115 carries the year before. And he's helpful, as opposed to other teams which look for free agents who walk on the field without pants on and urinate inside of the huddle.



e. You tried on Houshmandzadeh, Seattle. Taking him up in a pontoon plane for a city tour and landing on Lake Washington and walking up on the dock to your practice fields. Cool stuff.

So much better than making him an offer on AOL Instant Messenger, Seattle. Kudos to you.



g. The Cowboys got better at backup with the deal for Jon Kitna.

Which is why they made the deal. Usually, that is the intention of all teams who sign free agents.



h. Yes, David Dunn. The offer in Baltimore for your client, Ray Lewis, is still on the table. But let's not press the issue too much, shall we?

What?



i. Jason Brown, the new St. Louis center, sure made a lot of money last weekend for a guy no one ever heard of last Wednesday.

Funny how the front offices of NFL teams actually watch football games to form their opinions on players. Peter King usually just reads the signals he gets as he gives a player a full body massage.



Might (Marvin Harrison) go to someone's camp this summer? Only if the gets real money to do so.

You heard that, NFL GMs. Marvin Harrison will not be playing in 2009 for ice cream sandwiches.



5. I think our prayers go out to the people lost at sea off the Florida coast, including NFLers Marquis Cooper of the Raiders and Corey Smith of the Lions. Can we hope there are tiny islands they might have found? Our sincere good wishes and prayers to the families.

If not on a random uninhabited island, perhaps they were adopted by a school of tropical fish? We can only hope.



6. I think you've got to be kidding, Brandon Marshall. Disorderly conduct in Atlanta over the weekend? That's got to be a suspension.

Holy fucking fuck, Brandon Marshall. Disorderly conduct in Atlanta? ON A WEEKEND?!?!? You are lucky they closed Guantanamo.



a. I'm dying to know what illegal substances the writers of Family Guy are on when they write that show.

We know. You mention it every week. We get it, Family Guy is weird. Maybe they eat Cleverbars filled with chocolate jokecream every morning for breakfast? Or maybe they are just many, many times better at writing things than you are.




b. I'll pay $50 to the first person who ends winter.

I'll make it $100 if they give Peter King smallpox when they collect it.



c. I was ready to clobber my New Jersey Devils for sending goalie Scott Clemmensen to the minors the other day to make room for Martin Brodeur's return. Clemmensen was playing as well as Brodeur has in recent year -- and he did it for three solid months. It just seemed unfair and so cruel to send the guy down. Well, Brodeur came back Thursday night. He played Thursday, Saturday and Sunday, allowed two goals total, and registered the 99th and 100th shutouts of his career. What a franchise.

After reading your thoughts on things other than NFL players that you talked to on the phone, I'm sure the Devils would not have given the slightest of damns what you thought of their roster moves.



d. Coffeenerdness: Mitch Puin, you threw me a lifesaver Sunday at the Upper Montclair Starbucks, and you know it. I owe you big time for rescuing me in my need-a-fix time when I was wallet-less and needed help getting through the checkout. Thank you.

...did Peter King just suck dick for coffee? Peter...you have an addiction. You need help. And you need it now.



e. New York, and not only the football fans, is really going to like Bart Scott.

Uhhh...who else is going to like Bart Scott? The strippers? The homosexual community? Is someone seriously going to wake up and say, "you know what, fuck football, but I really like Bart Scott".



g. Walked into the family room Sunday night and there was Steve Buscemi getting ready to whack the old man in Fargo, and it was all I could do to keep from sitting down to watch the rest. What a movie.

This has no business being printed by a respectable sports medium. Why do you think we care, Peter?




I'm not feeling it today. But I had to write something. This will suffice for now.

MMQB

By Peter King - CNNSI.com


The seas can be a metaphor for football. Just as in the seas, teams in the NFL rise and fall with a sort of unpredictable regularity. Rapidly forming storms can destroy what was once a calm ocean of a season, minus the fact that you can't drink the water because it tastes saltier than Brett Favre's "4 Juice".

However, sometimes in the real seas, you can fall off of a boat and drown. Oakland's Marquise Cooper and Detroit's Corey Smith may have suffered this fate as the boat they were boating on was lost at sea on the Gulf over the weekend. And these are two very well respected young men, as I can attest to from experience.

Some time around 2004, when the two men were teammates with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I had the pleasure of talking to them for approximately 35 minutes on Jeff Garcia's shower habits. Cooper laughed and noted that Garcia was notorious around One Buc Place for his impeccable genital-grooming habits and extremely well-manicured strips of red pubic hair around his penis. Smith swore up and down while signing footballs for some children at camp that Garcia wears a custom-made merkin because "no human being can trim their pubes that precisely". Smith heroically did not complain at all about having to sign footballs for the kids for 30 minutes, despite the fact that it was hotter than Hades out there in the Tampa sun and the kids were spitting on him. It would truly be a shame to lose these men at an age far to young for men to be lost.

It just serves to remind us all that we need to respect the seas.

Peter King is intrigued by Jeff Garcia's pubic upkeep.

That being said, the offseason has shaped up to be as wild as the aforementioned seas. Where else other than the NFL would Bart Scott, a linebacker, be paid millions of dollars to tackle human beings? "I have no...what?", Scott mentioned when I initiated a gchat yesterday. "Uhh, I guess no other sport?". I simply responded with "just makin' a joke Bart :)", after which we shared a few more lines of text before his status changed to "busy". And of course, Bart is going to be busy preparing to play in New York this season under his old DC Rex Ryan. Good signing, the Jets. You got yourselves a real busy bee of a linebacker.

But perhaps even crazier was what happened between Kansas City and New England. Last year's sensation Matt Cassel was traded to Kansas City along with Mike Vrabel for nothing more than the 34th overall pick in the upcoming draft, a small price to pay for a signal-caller who proved himself one of the league's best over the last season. Where else but America can a guy one day be a Patriot and then the next day be some sort of Indian? GM Scott Pioli really pulled off a heist getting Cassel and Vrabel for the 34th overall pick, although with Bill Belichick on the other side you can never be certain. Could Cassel have AIDS? "We have no record of Matt Cassel having AIDS", said Sherry, a receptionist at a Boston-area family planning center that I called over the weekend. A call to Cassel himself was unreturned. Matt, just a helpful Peter King hint, you should really come out and respond to my calls if you have nothing to hide. Or do you?

Could Matt Cassel be playing with AIDS?

Even stranger happenings may have transpirted in Denver under new head coach and Belichick disciple Josh McDaniels. Rumor has it that Denver, even with current Pro Bowl QB Jay Cutler, interjected themselves into the Cassel sweepstakes in a trade that would have sent Cassel to Denver, Cutler to Tampa, and Bucs draft picks to New England. McDaniels denies that this happened, but Cutler has a different view of the story. I randomly showed up at his front door yesterday and after convincing him not to call the police, I managed to chat with him for a few minutes. "Yeah, man, I mean, whatever. It's not a huge deal, but it's kind of fucked up. I mean, a little bit. Kind of. Man, if they don't want me, that's like, I mean, that's fine. It's the business, I guess". I was then escorted off of the premises.

TEN THINGS I THINK ABOUT FOOTBALL

1. I think that the Denver Broncos really messed up by shopping Jay Cutler around to get Matt Cassel.

a. But I see where they were coming from.

ab. But still.

2. I think Brett Favre can still play in this league.

q. But I think he's for real when he says he's done.

&. The Jets are going to have a hard time replacing a legend at QB.

*. I think the Jets should play the upcoming preseason games in Wrangler jeans as a tribute.

3. I think my daughter wants to fuck Asante Samuel.

4. Are you kidding me, Steelers? James Harrison wants a new contract, and he deserves it. Pay the man.

~. Unless he's asking for too much, in which case you can't pay him.

5. Seriously, how funny-shaped are footballs? Like, they aren't really even balls.

a. Trust me, I know balls.

6. I think the Lions will win more games next year than they did this year.

7. I think Albert Haynesworth is pretty hot for a defensive tackle.

8. Sage Rosenfels is an instant upgrade over Tarvaris Jackson in Minnesota.

a. It's not an upgrade just because Jackson is black.

z. It's because he's black and sucks at football.

zzzz. I still wish the Vikings would have waited until Black History Month was over to make this trade and piss right in the face of their black QB.

growllll. Still, it's not because he's black. It's because he sucks.

Tarvaris Jackson is a God-awful football player.

9. I think I should mention that I have the solution to the NFL's overtime rules again.

paws. Just give each team one possession, and then if they are still tied it's sudden death from there.

penises. Sure, it's still unfair, but not as unfair, I don't think.

#. It's fair enough. I think it's genius. Roger Goodell, are you reading this?

i. I like you, Roger.

10. Note to the Lions: If you pick a QB of the future with the first overall pick, be careful with him.

a. Like seriously, don't fuck him in the shower and shit like that.

b. He's not going to be effective on the field if you gang-rape him in the shower.

Jay Fiedler. Trust me on this one, Lions.



Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

On the plane to Jay Cutler's house, I was sitting next to a young whippersnapper in a G-Unit shirt who looked all of 17 years old. Big jeans on, perhaps three sizes too big. I could see his dick. And as he pulls out his iPod, what do I hear? Lo and behold, it's rap music. Pimps and hoes, bitches and tricks. What happened to the good old days in the music industry? Kid, if you want to listen to black people make music, check out some Otis Redding or some Sam Cooke. But spare me the TI stuff. Knowing that this kid was listening to Young Jeezy talk about coke and gun use ruined the entire flight experience for me, and I could not visualize the coffee I was about to pour all over myself naked upon landing. Mary Beth, I hope you aren't listening to this crap and dancing topless on tables when you go out with your friends. Because I'll beat the everliving fuck out of you.

Coffeenerdness

Can you believe that when I landed and got to the nearest Starbucks, the barrista looked disinterested to hear my story from the plane? Here I am, with a great tale of rap-induced plane stress, and the 16-year old fresh faced young lady behind the counter goes through the motions with a blank stare on her face as I tell her of my plight. Come on Starbucks, you're better than this. "Melody", I'm sure that if you don't want to take your job seriously, Starbucks can find somebody else who will. I mean, we are in a recession. Kids these days. Can you believe them? We can only hope that this generation wises up as they grow older.

Peter

This is it! The last Peter King column that follows a relevant game for the next 8 months. Unless you are looking forward to his breakdown of the Pro Bowl...in which case, please leave my internets.

Take it from here, Peter.



After a surprise deluge leaves players and staff drenched, 78-year-old owner Dan Rooney walks the sidelines with a towel for headgear, warding off the light rain that lingers. He looks, quite frankly, bizarre. "Hey, Mr. Rooney,'' calls out Hines Ward, with a mischievous smile, from 20 yards away. "You with the Taliban?''

Hilar!



On Thursday, safety Anthony Smith did double and triple blackflips to entertain the defensive backs during a practice lull. When British-born practice-squad receiver Marvin Allen caught and ran about 40 yards with a scout-team pass, Ward shouted, "Long live the King! Wait -- there's no King in England, is there? Well, long live somebody over there!''

Is Peter King trying to prove that Hines Ward is not very funny?

Marvin Allen immediately responded to Ward by making his eyes thin and saying "me get open! Me catch ball long time!".



Ray Lewis said this week that his free-agent future is none of our business, that it's between him and God. "What I'm thinking, nobody needs to know,'' Lewis said. Well, you're in the wrong business and making the wrong kind of ridiculous money to expect that to be a reality, Ray, but good luck keeping it private.

This is going to be coming as a screenplay here shortly, I bet. I just need the motivation.




4. Philadelphia (11-7-1). Rehab, recover, rest, Jim Johnson. Melanoma is nothing to be taken lightly, as you well know. And for all the rest of you coaches and players who spend hours and hours in the sun without protection (and for you kids going to the tanning salon for those fake prom tans), I implore you to heed this warning: The sun can seriously injure you. Respect it.

Are you fucking serious? "Hey, Jim Johnson, this is Peter King. Hey, I don't know what actual doctors have told you, Jim, but melanoma is a type of cancer and you shouldn't ignore it. See ya". What the fuck? Hey, kids who apparently have been sheltered from all types of media and also adequate parenting...the sun? Yeah. It can burn you and stuff. Don't stare at it. Hey kids...gun? You know about guns? Yeah. Don't play with them. They can shoot bullets at you. Don't fuck the homeless, kids. They are dirty.



5. Tennessee (13-4). Sign Kerry.

Hear that, Tennessee Titans GM? Peter King just broke it the fuck down for you.




9. San Diego (9-9). Just remember this, all you who are warm and fuzzy about LaDainian Tomlinson and want to see him stay a Charger 'til he's 47: With running backs, the drop is always precipitous, and it always comes sooner than you wish it did.

Wow, that is just fresh insight. So fresh. Again, if sportswriting were things you could put in your mouth, Peter King would be like, 8 rolls of Mentos. Who is not aware of this fact? If Dr. Phil taped his shows on current events and then aired them 4 years later, they would sound kind of like this.



12. Atlanta (11-6). The Sporting News got it right, naming Thomas Dimitroff executive of the year, with all due respect to Bill Parcells in Miami.

Peter, I know you are trying, but it's gonna take a lot more than that to quiet all the outrage that I've heard over the 'executive of the year' race.




13. Minnesota (10-7). Fans want Matt Cassel. Wilfs want a stadium.

Fans want Nissan Z's. Wilfs want a year supply of Tombstone pizzas.

Fans want a cure for the common cold. Wilfs just want to have fun.

Fans want more cowbell. Wilfs want more attention to be paid to Darfur.

I don't get it. Is Matt Cassel the first NFL player ever that is going to demand 'stadium money'? Will he only play for stadiums? I'm perplexed.



"I would like to thank everyone who supported me to get into the NFL Hall of Fame -- the Dallas Cowboy organization, all my teammates, and everyone who played for the Cowboys. Thanks to the committee who voted for me, and also for the ones who might not have. Tell all my teammates I love them. And just thank everyone in the whole world.''
-- Bob Hayes' sister, Lucille Hester, reading from a letter Hayes wrote shortly before his death in 2002. Hayes, the speedy Dallas receiver, was elected to the Hall on Saturday.

Whoops.




I've stated my position often on Tagliabue. He's the only modern major sports czar to lord over a game since 1980 and never have a strike during his tenure; Pete Rozelle had three strikes in his last 17 years, Tagliabue none in his 17. He got the first serious drug-testing and steroid-testing policies written into the CBA. He founded the Diversity Committee when the league couldn't get a black coach hired; under Dan Rooney's direction, the committee made major strides, and 13 franchise in Tagliabue's reign hired minority coaches. The game enjoyed unparalleled success in his reign.

I just don't get it. Why is not having a major strike such a fucking success? You've got the biggest sport in the country, making millions upon millions of dollars, and not fucking this up is supposed to be the number one criteria on which success is to be judged? Hey owners...go fuck yourselves, someone else will buy your team. Hey players, the same goes for you. HALL OF FAME!



The 44 Hall of Fame selectors get lots of literature to digest about the candidates each year. In the "personal'' section of the final media-guide bio about Miami guard Bob Kuechenberg (who failed to gain entry Saturday) was this line: "As a child, rode in gunnysack on father's back in rodeo clown act.''

I swear, Peter King would LOL at anything.

Something out of Curb Your Enthusiasm happened to me down here. Because of an NBC dinner, I had to jilt a couple of SI.com pals, Donnie Brasco Banks and Andrew Perloff, at dinner Monday night at Capital Grille near our hotel, the Renaissance. Swell guy that I am, and knowing there wouldn't be much I'd have to pay for all week, I decided to pick up their dinner check. So I point over to the table in the densely packed restaurant and the waiter brings me a check, and I pay it.

Baller.

The next day, I'm surprised Brasco and Perloff aren't pleased about their free meal. Then Banks tell me he paid for his meal. Perplexing. So I call the restaurant. Stewart the manager investigates and finds out the waiter brought me the wrong check. This check was for the table of Merrill Hoge and Mark Schlereth of ESPN. "What?'' I say, and I'm told because Hoge and Schlereth are in TV and I'm in TV, ipso fatso (as Ralph Kramden used to say), the waiter thought that was the table I pointed to. I said no, I had no intention of buying the dinner for those fine but well-compensated fellows.

You are all well-compensated, cocktablet.

Now we were in an interesting situation. I'm out $175 for a dinner I intended to buy, but for different people. Stewart and I reached a nice compromise: With the Banks/Perloff spouses coming to town Thursday, the restaurant would pick up the first $150 of their tab. Good deal.

The dinner date takes place ... and the Capital Grille picks up the entire tab.

Now that is some great, grand gesture. All you corporate Capital Grillers on the main office in Restaurantville, USA, take note: You have a superb staff at the Tampa location.

Is Peter King just pissing all over the recession? Make it fucking rain, Peter. Hey all, if the Capital Grille completely fucks up your request, they'll try to fix it. That is, if you are rich enough to afford to even give them a request to fuck up, you peasants.

d. I was not with Mike Holmgren in the Pirate Ship last night during the game, but I bet as a few close calls went Pittsburgh's way, he said something to the effect of, "I've seen this movie before.''

Like when that hold was called on Justin Hartwig to turn a big first down into a safety. Holmgren was probably flipping out there.

4. I think the comparison is slightly faulty, because he isn't exactly a balletic football player, but Santonio Holmes is to the 2008 Steelers what Lynn Swann was to the seventies Steelers.

I think the comparison is slightly faulty, because my grandparents' whip isn't exactly an Italian supercar, but the Toyota Avalon is the Lamborghini Gallardo of midsize sedans.

Really. That's about as valid a comparison as Holmes and Swann. They are nothing alike. You might as well compare Ja Rule's lyrics to Russian steel factories.

Homer Jones has long since been forgotten, but compare his first five significant years to Hayes' first five significant ones (1965-69) and tell me how Hayes is a much better player.

The zone defense was created largely for the purpose of stopping Bob Hayes. Yancey Thigpen also probably has better stats than Bob Hayes. Should we put him in the hall?

a. Ken Whisenhunt deferring to start the game? Didn't like it at all. Not at all. The Cards won the toss and could have jumped ahead with their powerful offense -- let's face it, the Arizona passing game has been the hottest single facet of any team this postseason -- but deferred. I found it odd. And when the Steelers drove 71 yards to score on the first series ... very, very suspect call.

If Kurt Warner doesn't throw that pick to James Harrison at the end of the half, the call to defer quite possibly wins the game for the Cardinals.

c. Here's a quibble with the NFL's media policy after the game, and I know it'll fall on deaf ears. But Mike Tomlin should be able to have some time with his team after the game. "Everyone keeps asking me how I'm enjoying the moment,'' he said around 11:35 p.m., over an hour after the game ended. "How would I know? I just keep having to talk to the media.'' The league has to allow a coach and his team to have 10 minutes alone after the game. It's only fair.

Yes. The King Period. Do it, NFL.

d. Arizona has to figure out how to run the ball. No one runs against the Steelers, and the Cards ran better in the postseason than the regular-season, obviously, but that has to be an offseason priority.

I know, I know! Cut your QB, two big-money receivers, big-money tackles, big-money safety, and big-money LB and DL in Dansby and Dockett and sign a great RB and some run-blocking interior lineman. But then...we gotta pump up the passing game!

No, no, no. Change no rules but one: Give the team that loses the coin flip at least one possession, then it goes to sudden death.

I've gone over this. It's still not fair, just slightly less not fair. It's not a perfect solution by any stretch. So stop touting it like you just fixed the problem.

a. Great job, Bruce. I was lucky enough to be on the field, and though hearing was not very good down there, the energy translated. Bruce plays like Ray Lewis patrols.

Bruce Springsteen fucking rocks from sideline to sideline. Problem is, one blocker is usually enough to get him off-key.

b. Coffeenerdness: Perhaps my movements are no mystery to the football public. There were two comments to me from a swarm of Steelers fans as I left Pittsburgh's practice Thursday. One: "Peter, who do you like Sunday?'' Two: "You going to Starbucks when you leave here?''

Yeah, perhaps. Perhaps the fact that everyone mocks you for writing about coffee in a football column would convey that thought. You realize these people were making fun of you, right? If John Mark Karr was walking past a crowd and they said "hey, going to molest and kill some 7-year olds when you leave here?", I'd hope he wouldn't take it as a form of endearment.

This is going to be easy

After seeing a few snippets of King's weekly typebortion, I just have a feeling that this is going to be the easiest one of these to date. It's almost not even genetically possible to squeeze as much retard into such a small space as a prime King quote, but somehow he does it just about every week. It's quite impressive.

On with the commenting.


Eli Manning had just been intercepted again by the Eagles with three minutes left in New Jersey late Sunday afternoon, and Philadelphia's 23-11 upset of the Giants was sealed. Right about then, Ken Whisenhunt's cell phone rang in his living room in Arizona.

This is why people hate you, Peter. You aren't cool. I'm sure Whisenhunt was just overcome with glee to see his phone ringing and Peter King on the other end as he realizes that the Cards will be hosting the NFC Championship game next week.



"You are not only playing in the NFC Championship game next Sunday,'' I said. "You are hosting the NFC Championship game next Sunday.''

"No fucking way!", Whisenhunt replied sarcastically.



McNabb, yanked in November, leads Eagles to fifth title game this decade.

McNabb, improbably yanked for a quarter, somehow beats the Vikings and Giants two months later.



It's weird, it's odd, it's what happens in the NFL every January. Flacco and Derrick Mason and Santonio Holmes and Larry Fitzgerald and Darnell Dockett and LaMarr Woodley and Brodrick Bunkley are bursting into our living rooms, and we don't know them, but we really like the stories they're writing.

I guarantee that they are not so much writing as much as they are running trains on your wife.



Remember the day of that Cardinals-Patriots game? A snowy, windswept day in Massachusetts, and it took three hours for the de-iced Cardinal charter to get off the ground in nearby Providence after the game because of weather. The team sat on the plane, stewing in its juices.

What the fuck did you just write? The team sat there stewing in the weather juices? Or was it their own personal juices? Did you mistakenly think it was the Cowboys team plane?



"Keep picking against us,'' Whisenhunt said.

Gladly. Your team is going to get fucking smoked next weekend. This cliche is probably my second least favorite, right behind "please use a condom because I don't know where you've been". I mean, there are two teams. Some people pick against you. But some people also pick you. And plus, I haven't been anywhere that would give me any STDs, so I have no idea what the fuck this chick is talking about. I haven't been to Baltimore in years.




David Akers' 20-yard field goal two minutes later made it a 12-point game with four minutes to go. Ballgame.

David Akers made a 9-point two score game a 12-point two score game. That didn't really change much at all.



It's back to the future for Manning ... and don't try to tell a real Giants fan the loss of Plaxico Burress didn't have much to do with the total collapse of the defending champs.

I will happily tell that to a real Giants fan. You just went over three scenarios where the Giants couldn't get a yard on the ground when they needed it despite their cabal of big, powerful running backs, and now you want to blame it on Plaxico Burress and his magical sweatpants.



If he's not back, Manning needs to campaign for a big receiver who can get open downfield.

If Plaxico goes to jail, Manning absolutely needs to campaign for one of the best receivers in the NFL. Seriously, "hey guys, go out a big WR who is also fast and can get open. Soooo, you know, Randy Moss maybe? We have $40 mil sitting around?".



Of course, the Giants did themselves no favors by allowing their most important offensive weapon on a windy, frigid day -- Brandon Jacobs -- to touch the ball on only 19 of 61 offensive plays. There were complete series where he never appeared on the field. And he carried it twice in the last 14 minutes of the first half. When the Giants look back at this game they'll wonder, why didn't we use this guy more.

Oh, Brandon Jacobs could have played quarterback? "Fuck me", said a melancholy Tom Coughlin after the game.

• Joe Flacco for president! Recall Obama!

Huh?

And the quarterback. "You know what I told him this week?'' Harbaugh said. "I don't think he'd mind me saying it. I told him, 'You're going to be the difference in this game. We're going after these guys with you. Don't back down.' ''

And after Flacco played his second mistake-free game of the playoffs -- he has no picks, fumbles or sacks in the Ravens' 2-0 playoff run -- I told him what Harbaugh said, and asked if it made him a little uneasy. Like, You don't have to put any more pressure on me than I already feel, coach.

Ok...after the game, you told Joe Flacco what John Harbaugh had already told Joe Flacco? And you are surprised that he didn't get nervous the second time he heard this? What doesn't impress Peter King?

In a corner of the locker room, Harbaugh said this after the game: "Joe's not a rookie. In fact, I would not trade him for any quarterback in football right now.'' Come on, I said. Peyton Manning? "No!'' he said. Tom Brady? "No! I'll take Flacco! Did he look like he was hesitant in any way with the game on the line? No!''

We have just learned that John Harbaugh might have an extra chromosome somewhere.

On the second possession of overtime, once the opposing team fields a punt or kickoff, the game is now in sudden death.

I don't have too many qualms with the rules section of his column, but how is this not also unfair? Instead of one team getting a 1-0 edge in possessions, one team will have a 2-1 edge if they score on this possession. It's more fair, but it's still not the perfect, easy fix that King touts it as.


The Panthers saw a lot of the back of Willie Parker during his 146-yard performance.

Assuming they were watching it from a reverse angle on TV, of course.



"We're the team you don't want to play right now,'' says Ed Reed. Right now? When exactly, this season, has anyone wanted to play this rolling ball of butcher knives?

I would probably just try to step out of the way of a rolling ball of butcher knives. How fast is this collection of knives rolling? If I threw something at it, would the ball of knives break apart? Also, this is the playoffs. I'm sure each team still in it would love to play the Lions, but you usually have matchups against other good teams in the conference championship games.



Nothing to be ashamed of. Now the Darren Sproles free-agency clock starts ticking.

Teams are killing themselves to get in line for Sproles, who turned in a masterful 11 carry, 15 yard performance yesterday. Feature back!



Happy trails to you, Aaron Salkin. You have been a heck of a PR man for the Niners, and you will be very good somewhere else.

Ahh, this is vintage King. Giving insight into the guys you don't hear about elsewhere. The team janitors. The coach's wives. And the PR guys. What would I do without this nugget of Aaron Salkin info? Probably start systematically killing kittens.



Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona. He's becoming a gentlemanly Randy Moss, right down to wearing the gloves on his facemask when the game's been decided.

I had no idea that wearing receiver gloves on your face was considered "gentlemanly".




In the divisional playoff rout of the Panthers, he caught eight balls for 166 yards with one touchdown, a gorgeous catch-and-run-and-extend-the-left-hand-with-the-ball just to the right cone at the goal line, on a perfect dive. There aren't many players in history who could have scored that touchdown.

Fitzgerald had some excellent catches in the two games. That one, however, I believe could have been duplicated by 90% of receivers in the NFL. He caught the ball wide-open 10 yards down the field, turned towards the end-zone, and put the ball across the line. Bob Hayes could make that play right now, and he's been dead for like 5 years.



But on Sunday, a rock-ribbed run defense never let Brandon Jacobs put a stranglehold on this game, and that was the winning insurance for Philadelphia.

"Rock-ribbed" again! Such a ridiculously meaningless adjective that he just had to use it again a month later. I still have no idea what it means. Did they play the game on gravel?



Holmes fielded it at the Pittsburgh 33, and when the Charger punt-coverage team strung out way too close to either sideline, Holmes traversed a snowy field 67 yards for the tying touchdown. He made a nifty move at the San Diego 10, stopping almost in his tracks while San Diego wideout Legedu Naanee (one of the best names in any sport) made a diving tackle try. Holmes stepped over him and pranced into the end zone.

And yet, Peter King doesn't think that Santonio Holmes could have made the play that Fitzgerald made.




Horrors! How can a coach beat players up in late December! One who learned the game under Joe Gibbs and Bill Cowher could do it, easily.

Honestly, I don't think Cowher was known for that. I also think it's kind of stupid and that the Cards were huge beneficiaries of playing Atlanta at home and then going up against Delhomme's performance, which I think was the worst quarterbacking performance I have ever seen in the NFL. He just threw right at defensive players for the entire game.




Jake Delhomme, QB, Carolina. Has any quarterback had a worse playoff game than Delhomme's five-interception, one-lost-fumble disaster Saturday night against Arizona? Unlikely. Brett Favre, in the 2001 playoffs, threw six picks against the Rams, but in that game, Favre was just throwing balls up throughout the second half trying to hit the lottery.

Of course he'll come up with an excuse for Favre. Maybe Favre could have tried to throw passes to his receivers like a normal QB. "Brett Favre threw 12 picks in one half against the Vikings in '03, but then I remembered that shower we shared and that his chin-stubble was like a natural loofa".



A stupid gripe first: I don't want to say it was too hot on my Newark-to-Nashville Continental flight the other morning, but the mini-Kit Kat in my lunch snack couldn't be opened because the chocolate was percolating inside.

Hey, I don't to say that this chick was too young, but she was so young that she should have been wearing a Vince Young jersey!



If Frazier is interviewing with the top Rams brass in Los Angeles today, he must be pretty far down the road with them.

Is this a mistake or do the Rams really hold head-coaching interviews in the city they moved from?




f. The 9-7 Cards or the 9-6-1 Eagles in the Super Bowl. What a country.

How is this a "what a country" moment? Do sporting teams in Botswana not advance in the playoffs if they don't have a better record than their opponent?



I think it's not oversimplifying the Denver decision to hire Josh McDaniels to say that Pat Bowlen sees McDaniels as Mike Shanahan redux.

He just fucking fired Mike Shanahan. If he liked this guy because he was like a new Mike Shanahan, why did he fire Mike Shanahan? Mike Shanahan is probably the second-most Mike Shanahan-ish coach in the NFL, behind Jacksonville Assistant Wide Receivers Coach Robert Prince.




Shanahan helped John Elway and Steve Young become great NFL players. McDaniels has had the same hands-on influence with Tom Brady and Matt Cassel. In his last year in the NFL, Elway called Shanahan "brilliant.'' In November, Cassel told me that McDaniels was "brilliant.'' Starting to see a trend?

I sure do. Introducing the next head coach of the Denver Broncos...the guy from the Guinness commercials!



k. Darren Sproles, 11 carries, 15 yards. That sends a chill or two up the spine of the Ravens' backs.

I'll bet that it doesn't. Plus, I think the Ravens and Steelers have met.




I think Florida quarterback Tim Tebow made the right decision to stay in school, only because so many college players leave early and later regret it. But I think it's nuts to hear the speculation that he might not have been picked until the third or fourth round had he entered the draft. That's where Mel Kiper put him the other day. I'm not blaming Mel; there's lots of that talk out there. But to suggest he's some sort of maladroit (there's your PKWOTW) and marginal prospect is demeaning and downright wrong. I will bet a lot of money that when Tebow comes out, he won't get past New England in the second round; as much as Bill Belichick is around Urban Meyer and that program, I bet he's become a huge Tebow fan as a football player -- quarterback, goal-line back, something.

How about a weekly segment of "Peter King knows nothing about college football and yet attempts to break it down"? This is another snippet that deserves it's own post. You think Bill Belichick thinks he's a good college player, so he'll draft him in the second round as a fucking goalline back? There is a reason that Mel Kiper gets paid big money to watch college football all year and break down draft prospects (even though he's not the best in that department anymore) and you write a stupid weekly column bemoaning the fact that 7-5 Rutgers isn't in the fucking Orange Bowl. Did nobody see Tebow throw two picks right into Oklahoma defenders? If OU converts their goalline chances, we are sitting here talking about Tebow's less than NFL caliber passing. Instead, since they won on the strengths of huge defensive stands, Tebow is a hot prospect to quarterback an NFL team. You are downright wrong, Peter King.




I agree with Meyer's assessment: "When I hear people say, 'I wonder if he can play in the first round,' then I don't know what football is. I don't have any idea what happens in the NFL.'' You tell 'em, Urban. We've got Dan Orlovsky and Shaun Hill and Tyler Thigpen starting in the NFL, and we're debating if a 6-2, 240-pound determined winner should be picked among the top 64 picks in the draft? Interesting.

Yes, we really trust college coaches on NFL-related issues. Don't most of them completely suck in the NFL? Nick Saban, Bobby Petrino, et. al....these are the guys whose opinions you are taking as gospel? We've got Tyler Thigpen coming out of nowhere to throw 18 TDs to 11 picks for the fucking Chiefs and you are saying that the NFL scouts don't know what the fuck they are talking about? Tebow is 6-2, 240 lbs and a determined winner. Great. Should the Chicago Blackhawks draft him, too? Forget his throwing ability, he's big and he would rather win than lose. Draft him over Tyler Thigpen, who has only done really well in the NFL for a terrible team. I mean, Urban Meyer said we should! Urban Meyer probably doesn't have any idea what football is in the NFL. Hey guys, Danny Wuerffel's available!




Wes Welker's caught more balls than anyone in football over the last two years, and he's done it playing with two quarterbacks when everyone on defense knows he's going to be the target 10 to 12 times every game.

Which big time receiver isn't going to be targeted that often? In fact, many will be targeted more because they don't have Randy fucking Moss on the other side of the field. Also, if it was a vote for 2007-2008 All-Pro, then fine. If not, it doesn't matter a single fucking iota that Wes Welker caught a lot of passes last year. If you think that Welker is better than Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald and Calvin Johnson and so on, then that's fine. It's your opinion. It's also probably horribly wrong.




Coffeenerdness: Hard by the campus of Vanderbilt is a Starbucks on West End Avenue, and if you went in there over the weekend, you saw (presumably) Vanderbilt students come in by the dozens, looking like they just got out of bed, some in pajama pants, and I think about half the girls in Uggs boots. Starbucks has it figured out -- or did, until they started building stores across the street from each other. Get kids hooked on tasty caffeine early, and it'll last a lifetime.

Very smart of Starbucks to sell coffee to everybody who wants it. I mean, really...their business plan is just incredible.

Peter King will deliver me from hiatus

Wow, that guy looks excited. Oh look, it's Peter King. Wooo. Here, I have a disposable camera you can take a picture with. Nice khaki shorts, Pete.

Anyway, I was experiencing a critical case of blogger's block, but leave it to Peter King to bring me back. Every time Peter King opens his fat mouth (by proxy through his fat fingers), someone has to be there to be the voice of reason. And again, I don't care if KSK was doing it first, this is an exercise in catharsis. Or something. Peter King bashing makes me harder than an MIT electromagnetism test.

On with the critiques:


The wild-card results set up Rematch Weekend ... and the rematches are of five regular-season barnburners. Philadelphia beat New York by six, New York beat Philly by five, Carolina beat Arizona by four, Tennessee beat Baltimore by three, Pittsburgh beat San Diego by one. Wow. You can't make this stuff up.

Philadelphia beat New York by two on a last second field goal. New York then beat Philly by one in their next matchup on a late pass to Kevin Boss. Carolina beat Arizona by two, Tennessee beat Baltimore in overtime by 6, and Pittsburgh lost to San Diego by five.

I just made all of that up.



The overtime rule continues to be the dumbest, stupidest, most indefensible rule the NFL has on its books. Giving a coin flip more power than Tony Soprano has now deprived us of a satisfactory ending to two pivotal games this year -- Jets-Patriots in Week 11, when the Patriots and 401-yard passer Matt Cassel never saw the ball in overtime after a heroic fourth-quarter comeback, and Colts-Chargers, when we didn't get to see the NFL MVP even play in the fifth quarter because it was a one-possession overtime.

Awww, did the rule screw two of your favorite teams/players? Let's change it. It's indefensible. The league MVP didn't get to play again after failing to do anything in the last twenty minutes of regulation. Surely he would have done it in OT for you, Peter.


Brian Westbrook and Ed Reed define clutch.

Explain. Does Steve Spach also define clutch? Does Brian Westbrook not make that catch and run happen in the first quarter because it's not clutchtime yet? Do you want to clutch Ed Reed's balls with your jaw?



They should call this one the "First Team To 10 Bowl.'' Baltimore led 10-3 late in the third quarter, and this is when Kerry Collins cemented his 2008 legacy. He took the Titans on a 13-play, 81-yard drive to a Rob Bironas field goal, and on the next possession went 80 yards in 11 plays and won it on a short touchdown pass to Alge Crumpler.

Uh...the first team to 10 lost. So they should instead continue to call it the AFC Divisional game. No offense, Peter. Oh, also...I jizzed all over that toaster stroodle you just ate.



You can't be happy if you're the Giants to see the Eagles, 4-1 since Week 14, swagger in ...

Nope. Whenever Donovan McNabb comes in with TI, Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and Kanye West, the Giants will piss all over themselves. Especially when they consider how impressive that streak has been outside of the Cowboys game. Cleveland! Minnesota! SWAGGER LIKE US!



especially since New York is 1-3 since Week 14 and had to go to overtime to win that one.

...against the second seed in the NFC and arguably one of the best 3 teams in the league.



Darren Sproles touched the ball only three times in the game -- one rush, one reception, one kick return. You think that might change Sunday?

Yes. I think it will, since he'll probably be their starting running back. Hey, I'm looking up tits on Google images. Think I might jack it all over my keyboard?



Scifres was Kobe scoring 84.

Yes, we were all hoping to see San Diego punt on second down just to get some more Scifres. It was that thrilling. He's so going to win the 2009 Punt The Ball Inside The Five Derby.



The starting points of Indianapolis' 12 drives: 10, 19, 3, 33, 7, 20, 26, 9, 20, 21, 1, 19. I laughed all day Sunday when I kept hearing from the experts about how Peyton Manning didn't look much like an MVP on Saturday night. No crap, Sherlock! Pretty hard to be great when you're on the road in the playoffs and your average starting point all night is the 16-yard line.

Obviously! How can you not expect him to go three and out from there?



Your team is nursing a 16-14 lead, and you've done nothing to help. At what point do you say, It's just not happening for me today? "I think the biggest thing is not to get frustrated," he told me.

You're an NFL player, Brian. At what point do you just say "fuck it" and quit? Never? Wow. What a player.



I asked him this morning where Reed ranked on his list of the great ones. "Best ball-hawking safety of all time,'' Harrison said via text-message.

Rodney Harrison would rather text King his answer than actually say it to him. I'm just picturing King standing there in front of Harrison, and Harrison pulling out his phone and texting all of his answers back to King. And I'm lolling like I'm bowling.



They were a really efficient offense. But that's what we do as a defense -- we force you to do things you don't want to do.'' Listening, Tennessee?

Kerry Collins is shocked to learn that the Ravens are going to try to intercept his passes. Shocked! King's condescending tone has gotten old faster than Shaun Alexander did.

But it leaves me questioning Pioli's future. Could he get swept off his feet by a man he'll have much in common with, Kansas City owner Clark Hunt, when they meet this week? Will Pioli return to the safety of the dynastic womb in New England? That's something I never thought a possibility in December, but the longer it goes without him leaving the nest, the more chance there is he might stay.

Hey, it's fun to speculate. It's like these games. Who really knows?

And that's why they play the coaching search! Just like the old saying goes, "any given offseason".

But to suggest that a part-time back who wasn't the leading rookie rusher in football should win the award over a quarterback who led his team to 11 wins and the playoffs is, well, a bit flawed.

Kerry Collins should have been MVP for leading his team to the most wins.



Pittsburgh (12-4). Chuck Noll's first two seasons: six wins. Bill Cowher's first two seasons: 20 wins. Mike Tomlin's first two seasons: 22 wins.

Still trying to find any relevance in here. Are you saying Cowher is going to win more Super Bowls with the Steelers than Chuck Noll did?



3. New York Giants (12-4). I think if the Yankees fired Joe Girardi tomorrow, the Steinbrenners would want to interview Steve Spagnuolo.

I bet if Miami's Jackson Memorial Hospital fired its chief heart surgeon tomorrow, the board of directors would want to interview Amani Toomer.



5. Baltimore (12-5). You know who's an underrated player? Jim Leonhard, the man who shares airspace alongside Ed Reed at safety for the Ravens. Reed sucks all the publicity out of the secondary, and rightfully so, but Leonhard, in the regular defense and a part-time returner, has been a terrific complementary player since coming from Buffalo in free-agency last winter. Six tackles, an interception and a half-sack Sunday.

$20 says King had never even heard of Leonhard until he had that interception yesterday.



6. New England (11-5). Lest you doubt the bond of respect that exists between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, listen to Manning talk about their communication, and his reaction, when Brady went down in the first quarter of the first game of the season: "I couldn't watch his hit. ESPN would tease it, and I would have to turn my head. I never actually watched the play. It made me sick. First quarter of the season. Sickening. Just sickening. Then he called me after his surgery. Here we are, a couple of meathead quarterbacks, trying to talk medicine. Like: How was your surgery? How many white blood cells did I have in my knee?''

That has nothing to do with anything. This is like describing the Lions' season by mentioning that Herman Moore is a huge fan of bluegrass music. Also, how are they sixth? Who have they beat? Arizona at home? The Jets and Dolphins? Wow. What a squad.


7. San Diego (9-8). I'll tell you the most amazing factoid of the coming weekend: If the Chargers win at Pittsburgh, and Baltimore beats Tennessee (both eminently possible), San Diego will host the AFC Championship Game in 13 days. Yes, the same San Diego that was 4-8 a month ago today and absolutely, positively out of it.

Here's another amazing fact: They'd probably massacre the fuck out of the Patriots if they played right now.



For the Colts to go winless in three of the last four postseasons -- with one of the best quarterbacks ever, and all the offensive talent, with two excellent defensive ends and an enforcer safety -- is inexcusable. I agree with every good thing being said about Tony Dungy, who is likely to retire. I don't think he should retire unless he wants to, but I do think somebody in the organization has to shake something up. Going winless in three of four postseasons? With that talent? Not acceptable.

Even though I fellate him with every chance I get, Dungy's team's performance in the past four seasons has been unacceptable. I think that he should stay if he wants, but regardless someone's got to shake something up. Except for Dungy, who should be able to stay if he wants. But something's wrong. But Dungy. But.



10. Miami (11-6). Too bad it ended that way. The good thing is that football is alive again in south Florida, and this is not going to be a one-year phenomenon, even if Bill Parcells leaves. Tony Sparano's got the ship righted.

I'll bet you a triple-sperm latte that this will be a one-year phenomenon.




Hard to have a better overall game, ever, than Sproles had in the 23-17 win over the Colts. Rushes: 23 for 105 yards and two touchdowns. Receptions: five for 45 yards. Punt returns: three for 72 yards. Kickoff returns: four for 106 yards.

Fumble at the goal line that almost cost his team the game: One

I can think of so many better overall games, ever, than this. Also, 4 kickoff returns for 106 yards is more average than a T-Pain CD.



Reason to Leave New Jersey Dept.: Friday, 4:10 p.m. Leave for the 16-minute drive to Garden State Plaza in Paramus, for the 4:40 showing of "Frost/Nixon'' at big movie megaplex. Friday, 4:27 p.m.: Arrive at parking structure. Look for spot. Friday, 4:34 p.m.: No spots inside or outside a parking facility bigger than Rhode Island. Lines of two and three cars following pokey shoppers to their cars. Drivers swear at drivers. Friday, 4:38 p.m.: Much cursing of car volume in the Garden State. Finally find a shopper with no line behind her. Follow her to the spot. There's a latecomer zooming in from the opposite direction. I wait. Woman backs out. I park. Latecomer drives away, yelling, "Thanks, ---munch.'' Friday, 4:48 p.m. Frazzled. Thank God for previews. We miss nothing.

Why do you think people want to read this? Holy fuck, look at me, in the most densely populated state in the motherfucking union, it took me almost 15 minutes to find a parking spot. Woe is fucking me. Someone even yelled at me!




a. I am mind-boggled that four MVP voters thought Michael Turner deserved the award and none picked Matt Ryan.

For Christ's sake, voters, the guy threw 16 TDs to only 11 INTs! That screams MVP. I am boggle-minded.



c. Bill Parcells and Carl Peterson together in Miami -- Peterson is a favorite of new Miami owner Steve Ross -- is more of an odd couple than Felix and Oscar. If that ever happens, I'm buying at Starbucks. For the world. Now that we know Parcells is going to stay in Miami, Peterson's going to have to look elsewhere.

YOU WILL FINALLY EARN THE TITLE OF KING OF THE LATTES!!!!!1



e. I learn a lot reading Mike Reiss in the Boston Globe. This week, in his Reiss's Pieces online blog, there was this daunting stat that illuminated what an uphill struggle it was for the Patriots to get to 11-5. Tom Brady was injured on the 15th of 1,102 New England offensive snaps. How many other teams would win 11 games with their most important player playing 1.4 percent of the season?

How many other teams coming off of 16-0 seasons in which they won by 20 points/game would only lose 31.25% percent of their wins against one of the weakest schedules in NFL history in this situation? Any of them? I think not!

Really, though, is it like just now news to him that Tom Brady was hurt early in the first game of the year? Did he not know this before reading some gay article in a newspaper?



f. I'm actually starting to like Deion Sanders on TV. I know that'll rankle some peers, but he's confident, he's opinionated, he backs up opinions with good arguments (some of which I think are bunk, but who cares?), and he's good at the sound-bite game.

They are going to hate you, Pete! Hey, Deion, if you are reading this...well, Peter King thinks that some of your arguments are bunk. If you know anything about Peter King, you know that is a good thing. What I'm saying is keep it up.



a. Great job by Arizona timing Atlanta's snap count. Not just a great job -- maybe a game-deciding job.

Not just a game-deciding job...possibly a score-making job. Not just a score-making job...possibly a result-manufacturing job. Not just a result-manufacturing job...maybe a Brett Favre handjob.




d. The refs didn't blow the game in overtime in San Diego. Those were all legitimate penalties on Indianapolis. The interference was a little ticky-tack, but it was there.

The interference probably shouldn't have been called, but it was only an automatic first-down penalty on third and 8. It didn't really affect the game that much.




e. Whoa! Did Bart Scott light up Chad Pennington, legally in the second quarter, or what?

Holy fuck, it sure was a, hell of, a hit!



7. I think Baltimore defensive coordinator Rex Ryan would turn the Rams into a 10-win team overnight. Do you have any idea how many headaches his defense, and his crazy overload-blitzes, give to opposing offenses? It's impossible to figure them out. He's your man, Billy Devaney.

The Ravens are so much more stacked on defense and have been for the past decade that this sentence is laughable. I'm LOL-ing. L O L-in' like a felon. You think Corey Chavous is going to play the role of Ed Reed? Quinton Culberson is going to be Terrell Suggs?



f. Peter King Word Of The Week: Supercilious. Like DeSean Jackson was on his final punt return in Minnesota Sunday. Did you see that? He ran out of bounds like the thing wasn't important, like he didn't care. Weird.

Wow, Peter! You are taking this Peter King Human Dictionary to heart! I guaran-fucking-tee he gets these words from a thesaurus.

Really not as egregious with his poorness this week as in most, but overall, this may have been one of his worst to date. It's just terrible from start to finish. Good job, Peter.