Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Lord shalt deliver us to playoffs


Yo Ray-Ray, thanks for sittin' down with a playa to talk about Week 17's slate of supercalifragilisticespiala-DOCIOUS games. What is your mindset going into this final week. You ballin'?

At times during segments partaking in our lives, OUR VERY LIVES...we as human beings, created by the Lord, IN HIS IMAGE, and not, I REPEAT NOT, using Photoshop, we must from which it springs forth move toward the very goal presented to us BY GOD. By which it hath sprung from. And I, as a child of God, will do JUST THAT, as I embark on my quest towards the playoffs. This quest is a quest from which what forth I hath must travel. Have gun, or knife, will travel. Simple. As God's Linebacker, I must cover sideline-to-sideline for the Lord.

And cover sideline-to-sideline you do, Ray. BOOYAH! What do you say to critics accusing you of using overzealous religious imagery to cover up for that 2001 murder charge? It's murdaaaaaa!

Those that cast stones and throw bones know not that the overtones of my speech FROM WHICH WHENCEFORTH CAME directly from the Lord. DIRECTLY. The Microsoft word of the Lord is Fedex-ed directly to Ray Lewis, and Ray Lewis then speaks the word of the Lord for the Lord in place...IN PLACE OF THE LORD. Indeed...THE LORD DONE HATH GIVEN RAY LEWIS POWER OF ATTORNEY.

Damn strizzaight out the gate, dog! So I'm taking it that you like your team's chances against the Raiders to lock up a playoff spot?

Ray Lewis is blessed and thus blessed also be thy team that he playeth for. But mainly, RAY RAY PLAY FOR THE LORD. AND HE COVER SIDELINE-TO-SIDELINE FOR THE LORD. And thushencely, Ray Lewis' team plays for the Lord, and stands, one team, undivided, not dividible, under the Lord. And Ray Lewis stayed on this team due to his love for this team and the blessings bestowed upon this team by God, NOT, thuswhichrepeat NOT because the Cowboys did not give him enough money.

You all about the clout, Ray-Ray. I see you are glad you decided to stay in BMORE BAM BAM POW CHICKA GHOSTRIIIIIIDE THE WHIP PLAYA, up in the hizzy.

Stu, I am in the hizzy. THE HIZZY...OF THE LORD. The Lord's Hizzy. And thusmust I shalt get busy. The Lord God thoutsuchwhence shalt deliver us to playoffs. And in playoffs, we should drink the blood of our enemies, for we are in Holy War, WE ARE IN JIHAD. We are in playoff Jihad. And after such violence and atrocities donehath been committed, we must pray. This...THIS...this is why we pray. For we art all brothers. Brothers under our Father, the Lord God Himself.

BOOMCITY! Thanks for spittin' some knowledge at a playa, Ray.

 It hath been my pleasure. And the pleasure...OF THE LORD. THE LORD GOD. And thus we pray.


Monday, December 28, 2009

Yes. I'm going to say it. Steelers savior? Pacman Jones.

So, the Steelers have realized that no amount of hope and change can cure what ails their secondary. It's a combination of a poor pass rush, injuries to star players, aging + regression to the mean, and, in my opinion, poor coverage schemes. Regardless, it's not going to be something that can be completely fixed in one draft.

So why not take a chance on the NFL equivalent of a freebie?

Pacman Jones is 26. He's not in jail. He's not suspended. He's never been formally charged with a single crime. He can play tomorrow. He'll come at the league minimum. He can be cut in 6 minutes. It will cost NFL peanuts to find out if he can still play. And if he can still play? He can be a star. And a steal, at that. At one point, Pacman Jones was an absolute lockdown corner at the NFL level. Three years ago, he singlehandedly won at least two games for Tennessee through interceptions and kick returns...and if you don't believe me, you can ask Eli Manning. There have been rumblings that Stefan Logan is a waste of a roster spot because he isn't doing enough in the return game to justify the fact that he is taking the roster spot of a potential positional player. I don't buy that, because I don't see this team being one shoddy backup away from competence.

But Pacman may not be that shoddy backup.

"But why did Tennessee cut him if he was so amazing, Vern?"

Simple. Pacman was the number 6 pick overall in the '06 draft, meaning he was carrying with him a very large cap number. He had just been arrested about 5 times and was looking at a yearlong suspension from Sheriff Goodell, who was just getting into his phase where he was overcompensating for something with huge suspensions. The Titans could not afford to pay this guy all that money while he was suspended and were just simply getting tired of his act. And I don't blame them...he was terrible there. He was getting arrested almost bi-weekly. But that was 2006 and I couldn't care less about it at this point.

"Ok...why did Dallas cut him if he was so good, then?"

I don't know. I can't tell you that. I'm thinking that Jerry Jones simply felt betrayed and that combined with the fact that the Cowboys had a bunch of young corners that they were thrilled with left him to choose cutting PMJ. By many accounts, Pacman was their best corner last year. I don't know why he was cut. Nor do I care at this point.

"But the Steelers just don't sign this type of player, Vern."

Don't kid yourself. James Harrison and Santonio Holmes, both heroes of last year's Super Bowl, also have woman-beating in common. I'm not going to count Holmes' weed infraction, because that's about as minor as they come and probably prevalent in the NFL. And maybe even society, for that matter. But still, he's been accused of woman-beating a few times. It was enough to get Cedrick Wilson cut, but not the superstars! We've also got a QB who is by all accounts an egomaniacal prick, a teflon douche at WR by the name of Hines Ward who is a fan favorite regardless of how much douche he empties out of his bag, and a kicker who assaults police officers. I don't care if they were already part of the family or not...what they all have in common with Pacman is the fact that they are good football players.

Pacman Jones can come in tomorrow at the league minimum, thankful for a chance to get back in the NFL. And he can potentially play the cornerback position at an elite level, something that this team needs badly. And if he can't? If he's completely lost it? Well, then you cut him and take a relatively small loss. No big deal. Pros greatly outweigh the cons.

"Vern...we don't want Pacman ruining the team chemistry."

Great. Neither do I. And he most likely won't, because he's never been a problem on the field. He has off-field problems, sure. But I don't care about that. By all accounts, Pacman is a diligent worker and a guy who plays his heart out and just wants to win football games. His teammates love that. He's not T.O., a guy with a squeaky-clean image off the field but a terrible one on the field, which I will argue is much, much worse. Pacman will not lead the Steeler players into lives of crime. He'll show them how to play corner and he might make it rain a few times as well. And if he kills a guy? Great. You can cut him.

I can't see any reason for Pacman Jones being out of football. I believe the same about Matt Jones. These guys are low-risk high-reward guys and in today's salary-capped NFL, that's how you get the edge you need.

The Steelers are simply not in a position to be perfect role-models right now. No one cares how nice your players are when they finish 8-8.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Gerry Dulac's keys to victory - Steelers @ Browns

Big game tonight in what shouldn't by any conceivable stretch of the imagination be a big game.

Steelers sputter into Cleveland, fresh off of four straight losses including two to teams that their own fans don't even select in Madden, Kansas City and Oakland. The latter of which included Bruce Gradkowski lighting them up to the tune of 300+ yards and 3/0 TD/INTs. Delicious. That's what it tastes like when you give a rimjob to a leper. Not only that, but the 1-11 Browns actually look somewhat respectable with the emergence of Brady Quinn as a guy who can complete more than 45% of his passes at the NFL level, something the Browns have lacked over the past two years.

Anyway, I'm not an expert by any stretch, nor do I get paid that much to write. Technically I guess you can say I make just over 27 cents a day by virtue of my awesome advertisement I have in the upper right-hand corner. I'm not even sure if that check cleared. It probably did. But I guess it is my duty to keep this blog active, and what the hell...I may even place a bet or two on this one. But NOT without first consulting an expert...and I have one here in Gerry Dulac. Gerry, make sweet love to our language and tell us what each team needs to do to pull this one out. Cowboy Dulac, take me away...



1. Allow Brady Quinn to be a medicine woman. Even though Brady Quinn isn't a doctor, and likely not a woman (although he does seem to have a hearty appetite for cock), the Browns need him to be a medicine woman and cure them of the disease from which they have suffered from all year...a severe case of sucking enormous balls. If Quinn can apply a vaccination against sucking enormous balls and even allowing them to only suck regular balls, the Browns should be able to put some points on the board and have a chance in this one.

2. Don't allow the Browns to turn into Frowns, and if they do turn into Frowns, turn them upside down. Eric Mangini has a hell of a task tonight...he can't allow the Browns to develop frowns. Football is a game played with emotion, and frowns contribute such negative emotion to a team's play that it is nearly impossible to win a game when frowning. Mangini must work his magic to keep the team from frowning. Worst case, if they do develop frowns...Mangini MUST work to turn those frowns upside-down as quickly as possible. Every frowning second will negatively affect the team's "Emotional Time of Possession (ETOP)", and the Browns are just not talented enough to overcome a huge disparity in ETOP.

3. Have the Wright stuff. Pittsburgh has passed at will this year. And at guys named Will, and Steve and Champ. However, the Browns must not allow them to pass at Eric, as cornerback Eric Wright needs to have the Wright stuff tonight. He cannot have the rong stuff. For Cleveland to win this game, they will have to love the way Eric Wright turns them. Wright is listed as questionable, but he needs to play, and he's gotta be all that they needed. He's gotta be so Wright.

4. Don't let Santonio buy and sell any Holmes. Santonio Holmes has been playing well in the past few weeks, catching a TD in each of his last two games and turning short passes into long games. The Browns CANNOT allow him to do any real estate brokering out there on the field, buying and selling homes or Holmes at his leisure. If Santonio is able to acquire a large portfolio of properties on the football field, expect the Browns to be evicted in the end.

5. Don't turn Massaquoi into a passive toy. He must be a massive boy. USE Mohammed Massoquoi effectively. He is Cleveland's top receiver and the only real weapon they have in the passing game, and he must be utilized often against Pittsburgh's suspect secondary. Massaquoi must be used actively, and cannot be allowed to become passive. If Cleveland wins this game, the fans will likely be mentioning afterwards that number 11 really was a massive boy out there.


1. Remain the Steelers...do not turn into the Peelers or the Revealers. The Steelers MUST remain Steelers and play Steeler football to win this game. They are not good enough right now to simply roll over and play Peeler football and win this game as they have been in the past. Also, Bruce Arians must mix it up enough on offense and Dick LeBeau the same on defense to keep the team from becoming Revealers and revealing the play to the Browns before it starts.

2. Need Sweed to proceed with speed and not greed. This one's simple. 2008 second-round pick Limas Sweed has been labeled a bust by many, however, the Steelers cannot afford to give up on him yet. With WR Hines Ward likely unable to tough out a hamstring concussion, Sweed is going to have to step up and proceed with speed. However, he cannot show any greed like he did in last year's playoffs following a big drop against the Ravens. Sweed's greed in faking an injury caused the team to burn a timeout, which they may need. Sweed must take heed and not continue to recede. If he does this, a fan may show her tits and earn herself a bead.

3. Don't allow the Browns to go downtown and eat Mounds. Calling the recent Steeler pass defense "shoddy" would be an affront to shoddy homes in Haiti. The Steelers pass defense, especially in the fourth quarter, has been downright syphilitic. It has syphilis. The Steelers must remedy this and prevent the Browns from throwing down town and celebrating in the endzone with delicious Mounds candy bars. If the Browns are allowed to throw downtown, they may eat so many Mounds that they develop Type II Diabetes.

4. Stay out of Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. Browns DT Shaun Rogers is one of the few top-end NFL talents on the team, and the Steelers would be wise to avoid running at him if possible. Although Mr. Rogers' neighborhood is typically in Pittsburgh, this week it may be moved to the middle of the Cleveland defensive line. Take the train through the tunnel into Make-Believe, but do it off-tackle.

5. Don't allow Dennis Dixon's dick in. Keep Dennis Dixon's dick out and on the sidelines by protecting Ben Roethlisberger from the Browns pass rush. Ben himself has to take an active role in this task by getting rid of the ball, thus keeping Dennis Dixon's dick where it belongs. While Dixon performed well when his dick was forced into the Baltimore defense, he still showed that he is a young quarterback still adjusting to the NFL game. If Dixon's dick is allowed to come into the game, things may change for the worse quickly for the Steelers.


Thanks, Gerry! You may all take this information and use it as you wish when placing your bets tonight. Free of charge.

EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that Rogers is out for the year and will not be playing. Whatever. Tell it to Dulac.