Gerry Dulac's keys to victory - Steelers @ Browns

Big game tonight in what shouldn't by any conceivable stretch of the imagination be a big game.

Steelers sputter into Cleveland, fresh off of four straight losses including two to teams that their own fans don't even select in Madden, Kansas City and Oakland. The latter of which included Bruce Gradkowski lighting them up to the tune of 300+ yards and 3/0 TD/INTs. Delicious. That's what it tastes like when you give a rimjob to a leper. Not only that, but the 1-11 Browns actually look somewhat respectable with the emergence of Brady Quinn as a guy who can complete more than 45% of his passes at the NFL level, something the Browns have lacked over the past two years.

Anyway, I'm not an expert by any stretch, nor do I get paid that much to write. Technically I guess you can say I make just over 27 cents a day by virtue of my awesome advertisement I have in the upper right-hand corner. I'm not even sure if that check cleared. It probably did. But I guess it is my duty to keep this blog active, and what the hell...I may even place a bet or two on this one. But NOT without first consulting an expert...and I have one here in Gerry Dulac. Gerry, make sweet love to our language and tell us what each team needs to do to pull this one out. Cowboy Dulac, take me away...

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BROWNS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Allow Brady Quinn to be a medicine woman. Even though Brady Quinn isn't a doctor, and likely not a woman (although he does seem to have a hearty appetite for cock), the Browns need him to be a medicine woman and cure them of the disease from which they have suffered from all year...a severe case of sucking enormous balls. If Quinn can apply a vaccination against sucking enormous balls and even allowing them to only suck regular balls, the Browns should be able to put some points on the board and have a chance in this one.

2. Don't allow the Browns to turn into Frowns, and if they do turn into Frowns, turn them upside down. Eric Mangini has a hell of a task tonight...he can't allow the Browns to develop frowns. Football is a game played with emotion, and frowns contribute such negative emotion to a team's play that it is nearly impossible to win a game when frowning. Mangini must work his magic to keep the team from frowning. Worst case, if they do develop frowns...Mangini MUST work to turn those frowns upside-down as quickly as possible. Every frowning second will negatively affect the team's "Emotional Time of Possession (ETOP)", and the Browns are just not talented enough to overcome a huge disparity in ETOP.

3. Have the Wright stuff. Pittsburgh has passed at will this year. And at guys named Will, and Steve and Champ. However, the Browns must not allow them to pass at Eric, as cornerback Eric Wright needs to have the Wright stuff tonight. He cannot have the rong stuff. For Cleveland to win this game, they will have to love the way Eric Wright turns them. Wright is listed as questionable, but he needs to play, and he's gotta be all that they needed. He's gotta be so Wright.

4. Don't let Santonio buy and sell any Holmes. Santonio Holmes has been playing well in the past few weeks, catching a TD in each of his last two games and turning short passes into long games. The Browns CANNOT allow him to do any real estate brokering out there on the field, buying and selling homes or Holmes at his leisure. If Santonio is able to acquire a large portfolio of properties on the football field, expect the Browns to be evicted in the end.

5. Don't turn Massaquoi into a passive toy. He must be a massive boy. USE Mohammed Massoquoi effectively. He is Cleveland's top receiver and the only real weapon they have in the passing game, and he must be utilized often against Pittsburgh's suspect secondary. Massaquoi must be used actively, and cannot be allowed to become passive. If Cleveland wins this game, the fans will likely be mentioning afterwards that number 11 really was a massive boy out there.

STEELERS KEYS TO VICTORY

1. Remain the Steelers...do not turn into the Peelers or the Revealers. The Steelers MUST remain Steelers and play Steeler football to win this game. They are not good enough right now to simply roll over and play Peeler football and win this game as they have been in the past. Also, Bruce Arians must mix it up enough on offense and Dick LeBeau the same on defense to keep the team from becoming Revealers and revealing the play to the Browns before it starts.

2. Need Sweed to proceed with speed and not greed. This one's simple. 2008 second-round pick Limas Sweed has been labeled a bust by many, however, the Steelers cannot afford to give up on him yet. With WR Hines Ward likely unable to tough out a hamstring concussion, Sweed is going to have to step up and proceed with speed. However, he cannot show any greed like he did in last year's playoffs following a big drop against the Ravens. Sweed's greed in faking an injury caused the team to burn a timeout, which they may need. Sweed must take heed and not continue to recede. If he does this, a fan may show her tits and earn herself a bead.

3. Don't allow the Browns to go downtown and eat Mounds. Calling the recent Steeler pass defense "shoddy" would be an affront to shoddy homes in Haiti. The Steelers pass defense, especially in the fourth quarter, has been downright syphilitic. It has syphilis. The Steelers must remedy this and prevent the Browns from throwing down town and celebrating in the endzone with delicious Mounds candy bars. If the Browns are allowed to throw downtown, they may eat so many Mounds that they develop Type II Diabetes.

4. Stay out of Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. Browns DT Shaun Rogers is one of the few top-end NFL talents on the team, and the Steelers would be wise to avoid running at him if possible. Although Mr. Rogers' neighborhood is typically in Pittsburgh, this week it may be moved to the middle of the Cleveland defensive line. Take the train through the tunnel into Make-Believe, but do it off-tackle.

5. Don't allow Dennis Dixon's dick in. Keep Dennis Dixon's dick out and on the sidelines by protecting Ben Roethlisberger from the Browns pass rush. Ben himself has to take an active role in this task by getting rid of the ball, thus keeping Dennis Dixon's dick where it belongs. While Dixon performed well when his dick was forced into the Baltimore defense, he still showed that he is a young quarterback still adjusting to the NFL game. If Dixon's dick is allowed to come into the game, things may change for the worse quickly for the Steelers.

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Thanks, Gerry! You may all take this information and use it as you wish when placing your bets tonight. Free of charge.



EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that Rogers is out for the year and will not be playing. Whatever. Tell it to Dulac.

Is this legit?

Poor Earnest Byner...fumbling away the Browns chances back in the '80s during that short time period where they were actually legit.

Well, I'm back from San Diego, returning to Fort Lauderdale in all of its early summer 95-degree and humid glory, reading up on the recent flooding to befall the City of Champions, and basking in the glow of last week's Penguins championship. Ok, maybe that's an over-romanticized way to say that I got home and sat around playing video games. But regardless, I was alerted by my pal Cotter, who is always on top of all things Pittsburgh at One For the Other Thumb, that some douchesack from Cleveland was attempting to rain all over my parade. And that, my internet friends, is UNACCEPTABLE!

Ok, Cleveland douche. Let's do this.




Pittsburgh leads Cleveland, 11-0, in titles since 1964? Whoop-dee-doo!
by Mike Peticca, The Plain Dealer
Tuesday June 16, 2009, 1:33 PM

Whoop-de-do? E-fucking-gads, you renaissance retard. You don't have to write the article like it's actually 1964.




Typical of those who can't accept an occasional taste of provincial success with grace and dignity, Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette gloats that his tired city has won 11 major sports championships in the last 45 years, to none for Cleveland.

HE'S A FUCKING SPORTSWRITER. That's what sportswriters do. After one of their hometown teams wins a fucking championship, THEY WRITE ABOUT IT. And one of the city's sporting qualities is a rivalry with Cleveland. So he took some digs. Whatever. The only thing Pittsburgh is tired of is parades.

Another funny thing is that people from Cleveland keep attempting to trash Pittsburgh like their city is better in any category...one of these two cities has evolved since the '70s and diversified their economy to bring it up-to-date with and even a step ahead of most of the modern era, and the other has an economy based entirely on LeBron James. You can figure for yourself which is which.





He writes:

The celebration yesterday in honor of the Penguins was our second in 132 days, dating to the February party for the Steelers after Super Bowl XLIII. It was the third in 40-plus months, counting the parade for the Steelers after Super Bowl XL in February 2006.

Cleveland hasn't had three in 40 years.

Actually, that's factually incorrect.

Cleveland hasn't had even one in 45 years for any of its major professional sports teams.

Well, yeah, that's all true. I have illegitimate children older than my dad was 45 years ago.





Cook's boasts - prompted by the Penguins' NHL Stanley Cup victory - may have some numerical veracity, but they lack historical perspective and are, really, only half (if that) the story.

That's kind of vague. Let's see what you've got to back it up.




Steelers stealers

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH haven't seen that one in MINUTES!




Take the Steelers...please.

Pittsburgh was the worst franchise in the NFL until it hired Cleveland-born Chuck Noll as its coach. He led the Steelers to four of their first six Super Bowl championships. Keying Noll's indomitable defense was Hall of Famer Jack Lambert, a graduate of Crestwood High in Portage County and Kent State, and considered by some as the best linebacker ever.

Another player of note was Terry Bradshaw, who was born in Louisiana. Also important was Lynn Swann, a USC product. Mazech Tahl, who helped with cleaning the uniforms after games, was from Latvia.

This is retarded. No one cares where people were born...well, outside of people that live in an area that has nothing going for it. Do Pittsburghers claim that the 49ers owe much of their 1980's success to local product Joe Montana? Do they claim Marino's passing records? Are you actually suggesting, in all seriousness (or even any level of actual serious), that the Steelers actually stole people out of Ohio to lead them on their Super Bowl runs? That is retardation on the atomic level. Really. You can't get dumber than that. The stupidity of that thought could destroy a large city and give the majority of its residents radiation poisoning.





Former Browns linebacker and assistant coach Bill Cowher led Pittsburgh to its fifth Super Bowl win. Cowher, despite his accomplishments, wasn't good enough to be head coach for the Browns. Don't believe it? Former Browns owner Art Modell chose Bill Belichick over Cowher as Cleveland's new coach in 1991. Proving that the Browns' decision-makers have always known what's best, Belichick has coached three Super Bowl championship teams.


Oh my God. Please, look up "OMG" on Wikipedia. You'll see this paragraph.

Wow, Modell chose Belichick over Cowher. Good deal. Both turned out to be pretty good coaches in their own right; of course, they had to go to actual teams to do it. Interesting that the Browns would choose the coach known for cheating his way to three Super Bowls, and yet he STILL couldn't win anything in Cleveland.

But hey, the Browns have Romeo Crennel now, so it's all good.




Who's the reigning NFL defensive Player of the Year, and a linebacker on Pittsburgh's last two world champion teams? Akron's James Harrison, another former Kent State star.

Dude, get off of this tired-ass tip. Also, James Harrison had as much to do with the SB XL victory as parlando singing had to do with the success of Milli Vanilli.




What would the Steelers have been without such guys? And, all of their championships have been won since NFL games became more a dance than a brawl. After all, it was Lambert himself who famously said, "Quarterbacks should wear dresses," after he was reprimanded by the league for hitting a quarterback too hard. The Browns won all four of their titles when the game wasn't supervised like a croquet match.

So the Steelers now have to credit all of their championships to Cleveland? The Steelers wouldn't have been anywhere without a lot of different people from a multitude of places all over the country, you moron. And the same goes for ANY OTHER FUCKING THING IN LIFE THAT HAPPENS.

But, yes, point you. The Browns were AWESOME in the 1940's when the games weren't for pansies, there were 8 teams in the league, the players wore leather helmets, and Frank Sinatra was about 24.




We think Ron has really Cooked the books on this one. Cleveland has it all over Pittsburgh culturally, anyway. Do you know that Pittsburgh is so lacking in creative thinking that its football team was named the Pirates from 1933-40 (when it went 24-62-5, by the way)?

Ha! Awesome joke on Cook's name! And you have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Did you know that the Browns named their team after one of its coaches? And that their team sucked? And that it then moved to Baltimore and it won a Super Bowl there? And then a new team came in to replace it and it continues to suck to this day?




Pirates just been awful

The Pittsburgh Pirates' baseball team even makes the former, failed and forlorn Pittsburgh Pirates' football team look good.

Yep. The Pirates make the football team that used to suck in the FUCKING 1940'S look good by comparison.




Pittsburgh baseball has lost 318 games more than it has won since 1992. Recent Indians' teams look like the 1927 Yankees compared to the Buccos. Yes, the Pirates won the World Series in 1971 and 1979, but if they were any good lately, they would have made it to the 1995 or 1997 World Series to play the Indians, to see who really is best.


Right, the World Series' that the Indians lost to the Braves and then TO THE MARLINS. The last Indians championship occurred when JonBenét Ramsey's parents were 7.




The Pirates' inherited their ineptitude from the Pittsburgh Alleghenys, who went 23-113 in the 1890 National League pennant chase, finishing 66 1/2 games behind the first-place Brooklyn Bridegrooms and 23 games in the dust of the seventh-place Cleveland Spiders. The Alleghenys were outscored by 738 runs for the season, which even a Steel City citizen could tell you is more than one run per game.

Holy fuck, you are going back to 1890??!??!?! One of your insults is seriously that a Pittsburgh baseball team really sucked in 1890, back when the balls were made of sourdough bread and players used brooms for bats and had handlebar mustaches. Most of the chemicals that helped set Cleveland's river on fire hadn't even been created yet.

Also, we are SO much better at math than you people that it's not even worth discussing. Cleveland is still best known for being the birthplace of Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony.





Yes, in 1899, the Cleveland Spiders went 20-134, but we dare Ron Cook to find one person who can honestly say those Spiders were worse than the '90 Alleghenys.

Uh, because both of these events occurred in the 1890s? And percentage wise, that's many times worse. The winning percentages (divide wins by games played) were 16.9% for the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys and 13.0% for the NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BECAUSE IT HAPPENED IN 1899.




Take Cavs over any Pitt team

What a great NBA history Pittsburgh has. Its lone NBA team, the 1946-47 Pittsburgh Ironmen (another creative name), played in the league during just its first season, when it was called the Basketball Association of America.


What's wrong with the Ironmen? Your team is named after somebody who rides a horse and fences. We can, of course, compare our spotty basketball history with your hockey history, if you'd like.




Typical of the city they represented, the Ironmen went 15-45, finishing 15 games behind the legendary Cleveland Rebels. Pittsburgh record books show that Colby Gunther is the team's all-time field goal percentage leader, hitting 33.6 percent of his shots. Some Pittsburgh fans could tell you Colby missed more than half his shots. A lot more, in fact.

The Cleveland Rebels are legendary? Ken Jennings hasn't even heard of the Cleveland Rebels.

If the Rebels were in any way indicative of the city they represented, they would have been homeless.




Penguins who?

Let's say this about hockey. Nobody had even heard of the Pittsburgh Penguins when the Cleveland Barons were winning nine Calder Cup championships between 1939 and 1964. That's when the NHL had six teams, and the Barons were commonly called the "seventh best hockey team in the world." We say they were the best. Not their fault they weren't allowed to play the Canadiens, Red Wings, etc.

Oh, so we will talk about Cleveland's hockey history, evem though it was in some minor league somewhere. One of the major reasons that nobody had heard of the Penguins at that point was due to the fact that they were FOUNDED IN 1967.

But hey, again, Cleveland apparently rocked during the Great Depression.




Ohio, 7-1

Just so Pittsburgh backers know, their city is in Pennsylvania and Cleveland is in Ohio. Despite an 89-year slump, Ohio has had seven men born in the state elected president. Pennsylvania has had one, and if you want to know how the experts rank him, look here.



Uhhh...ok. Just so people in Cleveland know, these are the lengths they have to go to if they want to feel superior to Pittsburgh in anything that people actually care about.