Wednesday, November 26, 2008

One more post before I go

Ok, I lied. I got bored. Here's a holiday Craigslisting.

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I'd like to fuck you like I usually fuck the turkey - m4w, 24


Every year, before I prepare the delicious turkey for consumption by my 8 illegitimate children, I fuck the absolute shit out of it before it goes in the oven. I hold those two leg bones and thrust like the fucking Challenger, but instead of exploding into a burst of flames in midair I explode inside the turkey with a burst of potential new illegitimate children. Luckily for me, dead turkeys cannot become pregnant with human offspring.

While this has become something of a yearly ritual, I'd really like to use a woman this year. It's always sad to end a tradition, even if it's likely just a temporary turkey-fucking hiatus as this is sure to be, but I feel the need to mix it up this year. What's in it for you? Not much. But there are a couple bad things that aren't in it for you, if you know what I mean. First off, after I'm done fucking you like the turkey, I'm not going to place you in the oven. I'm not going to stuff you with anything other than penis. And, as I already have 8 kids, I'm not going to finish inside of you like I usually do with the turkey. I would like it if you can make gobbling sounds like a turkey during the act, turkeys obviously turn me the fuck on and I don't see why a real live woman should be any different.

So, if you want to get fucked by me in place of the turkey this year, drop me a line. I've attached a picture of me fucking the turkey in from of a map of Africa.

Back to Orlando

Yep. A little extended weekend of debauchery. Expect nothing to be written on this here corner of the internet unless something really exciting happens. Maybe I'll find some stem cells laying around and cure my HIV. But barring something like that, this place will be more inactive than AC Green's reproductive system.


PEACE OUT AND MERRY THANKSGIVE

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My T9word is a terrible


I even made you an image, T9word. Don't you feel special? You should.

But I mean special as in special education type special. Because you are retarded. Like, the kind of retarded that can only achieved because your parents fucked you into existence on top of the central reactor core at Chernobyl. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about here.

I'm not a huge texting fan. However, I do have a policy of responding to just about every message I get, which usually leads to nothing but more messages. So this does sufficiently piss me off to the point where I can write about it.

Here's some examples of T9 specialness on my phone:

I attempt to type "miss". My first result is "nips". Fucking nips? I don't think I say nips more than I say nips. Don't nips this, Vinatieri! We're gonna nips you, Paul Ernster. Yeah, I tried to put it on her face but I nipsed and put it right on her miss. Or something.

That one's understandable, I guess.

So, I type this is gay as fuck. But...every time I type a-s for "as", I get "ar". That's not a fucking word! What is the point of this, phone? If I'm typing are you can wait until I hit the e button to write it. Why ease into it at the expense of as? Ohhhh, that's right...you were brutally raped by chromosomes.

God damn it, bitches. Oh, no...I can't write bitches. I can write bitch, sure. But "bitches" comes out as "citages". What is a citage? Do I want one? Why would I want more than one, then? Phone, you should have been riding shotgun with James Dean.

But those are not the most inexplicable. This honor belongs to the contractions "wouldn't" and "couldn't", otherwise known by my phone as "wouldn18" and "couldn29". What the fuck? That is the most nonsensical thing I've ever seen in the world of cell phones. Who is behind this? Wouldn18? That is just retarded. There is no other way to describe it.

I've had this phone for about 4 months. And apparently, it is never going to pick it's game up in the T9word department. Fuck you, phone.

Monday, November 24, 2008

There are 7 billion people in the world


Assume 3.5 billion are female. That leaves us with 3.5 billion males.

Assume we can only choose those between the ages of 18 and 36. We can probably safely assume that half of the world's population is under 30. Half of that is probably under 18. That leaves, we'll say...875 million people. Including those up to 36 might get us a clean 1 billion people.

Ok. That's one billion males that fit our 18-36 requirement.

Every one of these one billion males is placed into a hypothetical room. A speaker comes up to a podium and silences the crowd to ask a question.





"Can any of you motherfuckers punt further than 30 yards?"

I wish I could shave


I have no theme. Am I supposed to have a theme? You know, like how some people dedicate their blogs to the Steelers or to puppies or to the size of their genitals or something, I just kind of go with whatever I feel like putting down. Is that normal? I don't know. Regardless, on to something completely pointless and irrelevant.

I suck at shaving. Seriously. I am terrible. Luckily I grow facial hair like a 15 year old, so I only have to shave it like once a week or so. But just about every time I do I cut myself. Sometimes pretty badly. In any given month, I'll cut myself more than an emo kid would in his saddest year. Why is this so hard? It can't be like this for everybody, can it? Should I stop using 4 year old rusted razors? Or does my razor just feel like it's 4 years old and rusted because I am to shaving what Kyle Boller was to the forward pass? Or what John Holmes was to wrapping it up? I have no idea. But I need to work on it, because I'm tired of my face feeling like Andre Rison's house after Left Eye Lopez set it on fire. Really cramps my style for the next few hours.

In my continuing effort to be a perfect human, I really need to work on correcting small flaws such as these. Not to worry, though...I'll eventually master the shaving process. One of these days, laser hair removal surgery is going to be jealous.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Terrell Owens is a douchebag


Wow! Such fresh material. But T-O is such a whiny, self-absorbed douche that I can't help myself. It's uncanny how into himself this guy is.

Yesterday during the epic Bengals-Steelers tilt, Deion Sanders and his technicolor dreamcoat sat down to talk with Owens about the Cowboys and T-O himself. T-O showed up in an Eagles sweater, but that I couldn't care less about. T-O is not going to go out and try to actively sabotauge Dallas' season to help Philly's. So who cares about that.

However, his comments about needing to get the ball more were so douchey that they could freshen Jenna Jameson's vagina. He essentially said that the Cowboys have no chance to win the Super Bowl unless he gets the ball as much as he possibly can. Get him the ball and the championships will come, as evidenced by his past championships as a part of.....oh. Still, he got to a Super Bowl and played very well, catching enough passes TO STILL LOSE BECAUSE THERE ARE OTHER GUYS ON THE TEAM.

But...how deprived of the ball is Owens this year? Looking at the stats, T-O has been passed to 82 times on the year. He's ranked in the bottom 10 or so percent of effectiveness amongst WRs targeted 35 plus times this year, and the only person even close to him with as many passes thrown his way is Braylon Edwards, who would have had a hard time catching some Z's in a bowl of alphabet soup this year. There are 13 guys in the NFL who have been targeted more than T-O, yet only a handful of them have been targeted substantially more than the 82 times that T-O has. And yet, just about all of them have been productive. Certainly, all of them have been far more productive than T-O.

So you know what, T-O? If you want to justify getting even more passes thrown your way, maybe you should do something with the ones that are coming your way now. Until then, no one is really going to pay any attention to what you say.

And thanks, Deion, for tossing softballs and verbally fellating Owens on tv. That's what I needed to see at halftime, a man in a rainbow sweater sucking another man off live. Thanks.


EDIT: syntax and T.O. to T-O for improved readability. Wooooooo!

Ouch






Santonio Holmes ex-gf #1: Daaaaaaaaaamn! Now you know how I felt Santonio!!!


Santonio Holmes ex-gf #2: Damn straight! You go, girlfriend!!!!

Gary Russell's got style


From the Steelers website, just in case Dan Rooney is looking for random Craigslist posts about tits and stumbles upon this.

Anyway, that's Gar-bear running back what appears to be a kickoff in what also appears to be the NFL game that was played yesterday between the Steelers, who brought their C-game, and the Bengals, who couldn't catch HIV at a glory hole in Botswana. I noticed last week that Gary Russell seems to have made an unusual fashion statement with his jersey, but I couldn't find any pictures of it. He had the same thing going yesterday, and this was the best I could get. But I love it.

Gary Russell's front uniform number is italicized!

It takes a real man to run in italics. At first I thought that his uniform might have been pulled or something, or that he tucked it in weirdly, but yesterday confirmed that Gary Russell does in fact have an italicized jersey. And that is just awesome.

You go, Gary. You f-ing go.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Craigslist IV

I just can't help myself.

LINK

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That's right, ladies. Please touch my penis with any part of your body until it has received sufficient stimulation to expel sperms onto you. The so-called money shot. It can go anywhere. Your face, mouth, vagina, legs, ottoman, coffee table, Swiffer, Murder She Wrote DVDs, your daughter's Easy Bake Oven, a set of colored pencils, stack of Home and Garden magazines, whatever. I don't care. As long as the ejaculate comes out of my penis, I'm happy. Does this really even sound that difficult? No. It's not. I'll even come over there. Do you live in a trailer park? I don't care. Do you weigh less than me? Well...I do care about that. You have to weigh less than me. I'm clocking in at about 185 and if you are weighing any more than that I am, I am sorry...but you are not allowed to touch my penis today. Next week? Maybe. We'll see.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "hey, that's mean that you aren't going to let any of the heavier women touch your penis today until it ejaculates". That is true. Now, I might let them touch it a little bit but not until it ejaculates, but where is the fun in that? Seriously. That would be like saying, "yeah, I'm going to allow you to drive my Kia minivan, but you aren't allowed to take it out of neutral", or "sure, go ahead and borrow my full-body ninja suit, but you aren't allowed to carry the authentic 17th century ninja sword with it". It's just not worth it. What I will do is show up in my full-body ninja outfit, with my penis hanging out. And then, if you meet the weight requirement, you can touch it until it ejaculates. If not, you can sue my flaccid penis for discrimination.

That being said, I have to exclude some other parties regardless of weight:

Dudes: Dudes are not allowed to touch my penis today. Regardless, I'm sure I'll get responses from dudes to this with pictures of them attached in their mesh tank tops. I don't want any dudes to touch my penis until it ejaculates nor do I want to purchase any rhinestone-studded belts or silky mesh tanks.

Dogs and cats: Last time I tried this was a disaster, so please...if you have paws, you are disqualified. Cats, I don't care if you are declawed or not...you are not allowed to touch my penis today. Plus, ejaculate is probably quite difficult to get out of your fur.

Publix employees: Last time I tried this I lobbied so hard to get a free Ultimate sub on white that I lost my voice. I don't want to lose my voice again because I'm going to need it to spit game Guidettes in front of Art Bar this weekend.

People with HIV: HIV is soooooo not en vogue these days and it doesn't go good with any color, so I don't want to get it. Maybe one day I'll get a shirt that goes good with AIDS but today is just not that day.

Lesbians: I've found it very hard to convince lesbians to touch my penis and I do not have the energy to go through this hassle again.

So, if you meet the above qualifications...actually, if you don't meet any of the above disqualifications...hit me up and maybe you can stimulate my penis to ejaculation.

I've attached a picture of myself wearing full-body ninja attire with my flaccid penis hanging out. I'm also carrying my ninja sword because I'm a bad ass.

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I got some good responses last time. Let's see what this brings.

Stepping to the defense of powder blue


I didn't think I'd ever have to do this...but I saw some powder blue bashing going on and I have to step up in defense of the best uniform color ever. I don't even think it's close. Powder blue makes everything awesome...I swear, if I was forced to have intercourse with a 75+ year old lady, I'd go for one of the blue haired ones. I'd even let her watch me jack off to her daguerreotypes, and I'd be fucking into it. Trust me, it would be worth the price of admission.

TONIGHT: VERN on stage, masturbating furiously to some of the hottest daguerreotype photographs in existence. The renowned entertainer VERN has received worldwide acclaim for his incredible ability to stroke the fuck out of himself.

TICKETS: $10, sold at the front starting two hours before the show or online at www.vernjacksit.gravy.

Regardless of all that, the fact remains that the light blues look silky in almost every single example of their usage. It's like they are made out of pure luscious silk. Don't argue with me. ARGUE WITH THE JPEGs, MOTHERFUCKER:


That's hottttt.


Sick.


Delicious.


UNC's uniforms are they only thing about them that I can stand.


The powder blue looked so good here that it looks as if it led to an outbreak of gay love.


San Diego's blues are the NFL's best uniform.


The light blue makes Woodland Hills High School's uniform. It's easily the best in Western PA in my opinion.


These are even better than the current Penguin blue uniforms.


I want an Expos jersey.


Don't ever criticize the blues, motherfuckers. I don't know where you live but I can find out. Not sure what I'd do after I found out, but it would almost certainly include a semi-threatening voicemail.

And no one wants to have to go through that.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

MEOW

*knock on door*


Oh, a visitor. Hines, put on your smile face.

Oh, hey Bengals linebackers.


were gonna get u hinds


Oh, that's cute. I'm sure you guys will.


hinds u hurt keith rivers cuz ur dirty and were gonna come after u


That's just football, man. We aren't gonna play any vagina-ball. You can ask Troy, although he'll put it in much nicer and more refined language.


hinds were gonna find u and were gonna hit you rilly hard


I'll be out on the field on Thursday, Bengals LBs. With my head on a swivel. And I suggest you do the same.


*leaps at hinds*

MROWWWWWWWWW!!!!


Whoa, Brandon Johnson. Wait until we get out on the field.

*puts down bowl of milk*


milk milk milk

*purrs while drinking milk*

u may have 1 this battle hinds but 2morrow victirry will be ours

*bengals LBs walk away while purring and rubbing up against each other*


Marvin Lewis has really installed some toughness in those guys, hasn't he?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Argument that chaps my balls V


Yesterday, I was listening to some talk radio in the morning when the hosts brought up something about Obama's 60 Minutes special where he talked about (insert what he talked about, because I'm done with this politics stuff for a few months and they don't make a fuck slight enough for me to give at this point). Well, at one point he got to talking about college football and it's need for a playoff system. Right on, Obama. You fucking tell 'em! Well, one of the hosts then made a ball-chapping statement that I've heard a few times in defense of the BCS...the regular season wouldn't matter without it.

Now hold the fuck on there, cowboy.

Wouldn't matter at all? If you took the top 8 teams?

Right now, I'll concede the argument that without the BCS, the most important games of the regular season would be less important than they are now. But these games wouldn't be important at all? Please. One game a week is important now. Here's what we have now:

Penn State playing Michigan State for the season finale this week - irrelevant

That recent LSU-Georgia game - meant nothing

Michigan at Ohio State - meaningless

BYU at Utah - Meaningless. I believe these are two undefeated teams. With an 8-team playoff, they'd be playing to see who gets to crash the BCS this year. Right now, they are playing for the right to go to the Apple Jacks Bowl.

Plus, just about all of the games that were important under this current system would still be important. Texas Tech - Texas would have been important because Texas Tech was #7. Florida-Georgia would have been important because Georgia was still alive. The games would still have meaning.

So don't chap my balls, man. It hurts.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Hey Steeler fans


Yesterday was a good day at the Steelers bar when all was said and done, due in large Rosanne Barr-esque part to the Steeler victory over the lightning bolts. Philip Rivers played ok but made one killer pick that the Steelers converted into a 2 inch field goal after a very heady play by Hines Ward to come over and help nudge San Antonio out of bounds.

But there were the usual few Steelers fans that I wanted to punch for all-out assault on reason.

First, and we'll call him "the guy who wears full Hines Ward uniform to the bar". He actually wore leg pads too, which means that he wore MORE FOOTBALL EQUIPMENT THAN HINES WARD TO A FUCKING BAR. And no, he doesn't just do that on Halloween. Fact is, this guy is scary how much he cares. The players themselves don't care as much as this guy does, at least not about a midseason game against a mid-tier non-divisional team. The sun will rise tomorrow, regardless of what happens. The grocery stores will be open. Lil' Wayne will release a mixtape.

But my main problem with this guy is his constant second-guessing of decisions while offering stupid rationale behind his decisions. First, the 51-yard FG attempt. My first thought was I'd go for it on 4th and 5, but if you think he can make the field goal you kick it. And Tomlin and Jeff Reed know better than us if they can make it or not. Reed had not missed a field goal all year, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Now, he did miss this one, but he wasn't short with it. He just shanked it. So full pads guy starts screaming FUCK YOU TOMLIN, GO FOR IT!!!!, and I looked at him in disbelief that someone could have that much emotional investment in a call in the middle of the first quarter, and he says..."you gotta fucking GO FOR IT, our defense is AWESOME!". They weren't punting, dickhead. OUR DEFENSE IS AWESOME!!!! is just as much a reason to kick the field goal as to go for it, because...you know, the Chargers get the ball at about the same spot following a failure regardless of what route you take there. His response was "they should have fucking gone for it in this weather!!!". What the fuck do you know about kicking 51-yard field goals in the snow, douchebag? Are you diagnosing this situation from a bar in Fort fucking Lauderdale? Who are you, Bill Frist? You have no idea about the field. If you think you can make the field goal in a 0-0 game, I have no problem with taking that shot. And if you think you should go for it, hey, I have no problem with that opinion either. But at least defend your decision with something somewhat resembling sense.

Second, we've been hearing all of this GET RID OF THE BALL! stuff. And to some degree, it makes sense. But when you look at the BenView cam, you can see that in a lot of these instances, the WRs just aren't open. This was especially the case yesterday, as the WRs were having their way with the Chargers CBs but were very slow to get into their breaks (almost certainly due to the field conditions, which affect WR/CBs more than anyone as they are all about cuts and breaks and other assorted quick changes of direction. While Ben does get happy feet and step into a lot of sacks, he seemed to do ok yesterday waiting for these breaks to happen. People still yelled, "GET RID OF THE BALL!!!". Why!?!?! Either the line was playing very well or the Chargers pass rush was poor, but that's irrelevant. The fact remains that you should take as much time as you can to get rid of the ball if you have it. And Ben had it. There is no point in checking down every time just because you can. The simple fact is that the best cornerback in the world cannot stay with a receiver forever because only one of them knows where he is going. This is especially true on a slick field. So why get it out of there quickly when you don't have to? If you want big plays, you have to let them develop.

Now, that being said, there was one instance where I wanted to punch everybody in the room. The Steelers were on the 35/40ish yard line and Ben just hit Mewelde Moore for a 7 or so yard gain. Decent play, right? Well, CBS showed Santonio Holmes open for about 15 yards and then showed Nate Washington about to break open into the end zone on a post route. Of course, people were cursing Roethlisberger for checking it down and not waiting for the WRs to break open. Well what the fuck do you want, morons? You can't have it both way. Of course Ben should have taken some more time to look at the WRs, and he certainly had it. But every time he does, you yell at him to get rid of the ball. What the hell? Which way do you want it? Do you want him to hold the ball or get rid of it quick every play? God damn it, people. It's tough to watch the game when all you want to do is hit everyone around you. I felt like an abortion doctor at a Mike Huckabee rally.

That wasn't all, though. The group of lesbians behind me took offense to me coughing from their cig smoke, and we eventually started discussing Roethlisberger, and mainly why I defended him after he threw an incomplete pass to drop his numbers to something like 25 of 32 for 256 yards at the time. In the fucking snow. "He's soooo overrated!!!!", one of them yells, which is an argument you may be able to make with facts if you have the capability for rational thought. But, she didn't. "You are a typical Pittsburgh fan, always making excuses for the quarterback. You should go back!". Well, lesbian number one, I know you are pissed off that we just passed a ban on gay marriage, but don't take your anger out on logic. YOU, my vagina loving friend, are the typical Pittsburgh fan. Guy in full uniform told me earlier, "I bet they throw to a wide open guy on the sideline because Ike Taylor is 10 yards off of him". I bet you they don't, guy in uniform. Oh, look at that, safety, Silverback Harrison. "Catch the ball Ike!!!!", yells everybody as Ike Taylor breaks up a pass in the endzone with one fucking finger. None of you 'typical' fans seem to realize how lucky we are to have a corner as good as Ike Taylor is. He's fucking shutdown. We've been cursing our secondary for years, and now we have someone like Ike fucking wrecking shop back there, and you are pissed. Someone as uncoverable as Santonio Holmes is our second receiver, but you morons hate him. Hines Ward drops a pass right after Holmes does, but it's ok because Hines can do no wrong. Neither can Polamalu when he gets caught committing to a run fake or a receiver in the flat and gets burned deep. YOU are the typical fans. But back to the lesbian.

THE TYPICAL FAN MAKES EXCUSES FOR THE QB!!?!!?!?

Holy titmilking cousin of fuck, lady.

Have you paid attention recently?

We ran Neil O'Donnell out of town. For one bad game. In the Super Bowl. Which we didn't get back to for 10 more years, even though our teams were fucking stacked for that decade. Do you think Neil might have led us back to another one? I sure do. But it was not to be, as Usain Bolt couldn't run out of Pittsburgh faster than Neil O'Donnell did.

We were rewarded with Kordell Stewart, who had a lot of flaws but did get us to a few conference championship games. What happened when he didn't deliver? We decided that he was busy sucking dicks in Schenley Park (even though it was actually in Frick Park, according to a knowledged source).

We ran TERRY FUCKING BRADSHAW out of town. Now you want to run Ben out? For Byron Leftwich, who any team in the NFL could have had for Ford Taurus money? You people want Tomlin gone, too. And Arians, although I can't really argue too much on that one. You want Larry Zierling out of town. Larry Zierling is not the one who gave Max Starks $7 million. You want to sign DeAngelo fucking Hall. You want give 33-year old Faneca $35 million. Let the Jets and the Redskins make those stupid cap moves. That's not how you win Super Bowls. Unless you are playing Madden. If these people that called me a typical Pittsburgh fan were coaching the team, we'd have a new QB and a new coaching staff and a new RB and a new everything every fucking year. We'd build a Madden team and be crushed by the cap in 3 years, underperforming the entire way. The only constants would be Hines Ward and Troy Polamalu. Ike Taylor would be gone, but the corpse of Ty Law would be fucking LOCKING IT DOWN out there. Jerome Bettis would come back and dance around for 2 yards a carry, but he would kick up a cloud of fucking dust and it would be Steeler football and we can all be happy and go 6-10 and be SMASHMOUTH.

You wanted to run on 3rd and 1, and you got it the past two weeks. We got stuffed. It fucking happens. That's the NFL. So just shut the fuck up if you don't have anything resembling a logical sentence to say, and let me enjoy the game and high-five me when Ben hits Hines for a 15 yard touchdown or Harrison and Woodley crush the quarterback and knock the ball lose or Troy makes a sick interception. Wave your flags around when Jeff Reed hits a clutch field goal or Big Snack stuffs somebody on a 3rd and 1 play or Willie Parker breaks a 20 yard run outside. But don't yell about firing Tomlin when they have to punt or about putting in Leftwich when Ben throws an incompletion or replacing Ike when he breaks up one of the rare passes that QBs even throw at him without picking it off. Because I don't want to hear it, and I'm going to argue with you, and I'm going to insult you and my insults will be better than yours. And this is going to happen everytime you say something stupid and imply that you know anything that is going on better than I do and I should even give you the time of day. Because you are fucking retarded and it's hurting my face. So stop it.

Bristles for bitches


Friday was new toothbrush day. Yep, that's right. Big day, you know? I'm shopping for something to put in my mouth for the next month, so I'd like to get it right.

But every time I pick a toothbrush, I'm disappointed. Why? Well, they have a lot of "soft" bristle toothbrushes, which we all know are for gaping vaginas. And I'm like, no. Fuck that. I want to clean my teeth, not coddle them. And then I see some "medium" bristles. Better, but not good enough. I want "hard" bristles. Or "concrete". Or "will make your gums look like a meth addict's". But no. Nowhere to be found, ever. It's like "regular" and "large" condoms. Fucking retailers...if you have soft, you have to have hard. None of this medium stuff. Ridic.

So listen up, toothbrush manufacturers. Make some hard bristle toothbrushes. Make something that will scrape the fuck out of my teeth instead of making them feel "fresh". This isn't Summer's Eve, people. I want to know that my teeth have been sufficiently brushed because my gums start bleeding like a coke addict's nose. I want them to leave me crying harder than a Zimbabwean woman being fucked by a 12-inch dildo studded with conflict diamonds. MAN UP, TOOTHBRUSH MANUFACTURERS!!!!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Craigslist III

It's Craigslist time again. Time to titfuck some women in their tits.

LINKAGE (it will expire eventually, and so it will be preserved below)

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As follows:

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I WANT TO TITFUCK YOU IN THE TITS - m4w - 24 (Davie)


Reply to: pers-917337722@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-13, 10:26AM EST


Yep. You read that right. I want to titfuck you right in the tits. Would that be easier to understand in caps lock? RIGHT IN THE DAMN TITS. With my penis, which is currently harder than organic chemistry. Does that turn you on? My cock looks kind of like an electron orbital diagram right now. Now pull your tits out and let me fuck them with my penis.

RIGHT IN THE TITS. That's where I want to titfuck you.

Now, I know what's going to happen. I'm going to get replies like, "ohhh, I barely even know you, can you titfuck me in the ear?", and "oh man, can you just titfuck my hair?".
No. I cannot. First off, you don't barely know me. That would insinuate that you had met me before, but just briefly. But you haven't. You don't know me at all. Second, I CAN ONLY TITFUCK YOU IN THE TITS. This is non-negotiable. It's not like allowing me to just titfuck you in the ear will make you any less of a whore. You are responding to an ad on Craigslist about being titfucked in the tits. There's really no reason not to go all out. So if you are interested in being titfucked (in the tits), respond to this message. If you are not interested in being titfucked in the tits, then something is wrong with you, and I hope for your sake that it isn't HIV.

We can do this in just about any way that involves me titfucking you in the tits. Would you like to do it while dressed up like Robocop? Fine. On horseback? Whatever. I'm down. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about while I'm titfucking you in the tits. Do you have any children? Any dreams or goals? Would you like to talk about your cats? I don't care. Honestly, if Wayne Huizenga came up to me and offered me $2 million and a yacht if I could manage to care any less, I wouldn't be able to do it. And then I'd titfuck you on his yacht while he sat there and watched. And then I'd jizz all over his helicopter. And you know what? He'd like it. And so would you. Because I'd make you like it at bow-and-arrow point. And I'm as good with bows and arrows as the Seminoles used to be before they just decided to build the Hard Rock. But don't worry about the bows and the arrows, just concentrate on being titfucked. In the tits.

So, if you've got the tits and the willingness, I've got the time. And plenty of it. So don't be a prude. This isn't 1890. Pull your tits out and let me titfuck them. It's the American way.

I have included a representation of my penis as an electron cloud diagram below, while wearing my favorite shirt. Tell me that doesn't turn you on.



-------------------------------

My hopes are high.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

ENERGY


Energy has come on to the scene with a vengeance, as I'm sure you've all noticed assuming you've been out in public in the past year or two. Red Bull started this whole craze, mainly I guess because it mixes well with liquor, but now we appear to be past the point of no return. You've got hundreds of energy drinks, and on top of that I've seen energy shots and energy gum and energy mints and energy beer and today even saw energy spray. Energy spray? Double-you Tee Eff? I just spray this stuff on and I'll feel alive? I sure hope so, since apparently no one sleeps anymore these days.

Regardless, as an innovator and a guy who knows opportunity when I see it, I feel the need to get into the energy business. I figure it to be largely recession-proof, as people are always going to need to feel awake. At least those people that have homes. So let's whip up some sweet new energy products.

SOAP


*singing*FUUUUCKKKK YEAHHHH, WASHHHH YO'SELF WITH ENERGYYYY SOOOOAAAOAOOAAOOAAAAAAPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!*end singing*

Player, I already gots the jingle.

What better way to start your day then to wash yourself clean with ENERGY SOAP...conveniently putting lighting into bar form. Also, energy soap will fight herpes. But no matter what you are washing off with this soap, just know that it will kickstart your day into high motherfucking gear. And leave you fresh and clean and smelling like a fresh lighting strike! If you can't fuck any fat chicks while using Energy Soap you are either gay or walking around with a shirt that says "I have herpes and I'll win $100 if I give it to you". And as we all know, women hate novelty shirts with exceedingly long messages on them.

Point is, you'd add energy soap to your shower and you fucking KNOW IT. It would be like rubbing an electrical storm all over your body, but without the bad side effects of singed pubes. Also, showering with energy soap will turn the shower water into ENERGY WATER.


CONTRACEPTIVES


Feel safe and AMPED UP while putting this energy condom on your energy dick and energyfucking the hell out of some broad!

However, you won't be the only one energyfucking safely if she's been taking energy birth control pills! Imagine that, destroying the fuck out of your eggs while getting jacked up in the process! It's like SCRAMBLING YOUR EGGS IN A FUCKING FRYING PAN! The official punctuation of these products is the exclamation point, and that's not just a marketing ploy. The energy condom will electrify your sperm so much that it's going to turn dark blue and will attain the ability to actually conduct electricity. Seriously, if you wear the energy condom and then pull out and shoot it on some batteries, your sperm will actually recharge those batteries. Those batteries are going to be a little tricky to handle afterwards, but hey, free power! Tell your power company to suck it. Literally.

So charge your sperm or make your eggs run for their lives with these latest innovations from our energy line. These products are brought to you by two words, FUCK and YEAH.

MAPS


Wooooooo! You fucking lost, bitch? Pick up an energy map!

Don't pull into some gas station late at night looking dreary as hell and decrepit. You could just look at your energy road map, which will wake you the fuck up and get you on track to reach your final destination with a backpack FULL OF WILLPOWER. This map is freaking soaked in energy fluids, which will leak into your body the same way the energy spray does. The only difference is that you will learn something with this map. And I'd think knowing where the fuck you are going is pretty important, almost as important as consuming four fetuses worth of pure energy at a time. And I'm not making that up, either. These maps are scientifically proven to contain the raw energy of four fetuses, harnessed into a complex road network.

So don't stumble around like a broad. GET AN ENERGY MAP TODAY!!!!!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and sniff up some energy coke.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sheriff Goodell


I better call Vince up and straighten this out.


Man, what's Sheriff Goodell want this time?


Hey, Vince. This is Sheriff Goodell. You still feeling down?


Fuck yeah dude...what do you want this time?


Vince...I feel bad for you, but...last week you insinuated that the National Football League was essentially the cause of your sadness.


Well, yeah. I go out there and all of these fans yell things at me like "boooooooo!" and stuff like that, but back in Texas they used to yell things like "yaaayyyyyyyy!" and "Viiiinnnnncccceeee!" and...I mean, it makes me sad.


I see. Well, I'm going to have to fine you $20,000.


What?


Yeah, Vince. Sorry. But you can't say the NFL is anything less than the most important and most beneficial facet of your life. We can't have people out there thinking that the NFL makes you sad.


That's fucking ridiculous, Sheriff. I mean, it's not my fault that I'm sad. $20,000?!?! That's just ridiculous. I mean...oh, fuck it. Whatever. I don't even care. Fine. I'll send you a check.


Thanks, Vince. Cheer up. Or at least cheer up publicly.

*hangs up*

Actually, I had better call him back.


What now, man?


Vince, I was thinking...you know, you are sad and all, and I mean...ahhh, fuck it. The fine's rescinded.


The what?


Yeah, I thought about it, and...fuck it, you know. Fuck it. No fine.


Now you're speaking my language!


Hold on, I've got a call on the other line.

Hello, Troy.


Hey, Commissioner Goodell. I have some issues that I have gone over and I feel the need to voice my opinions to you personally.


Go ahead, Troy. I'm listening.


Commissioner, pardon my language, but I believe that some of these fines and penalties are kind of bullpoop and that they are turning football into an honest-to-goodness pantywaist sport. Football is meant to be a violent game and these questionable calls, which are bullpoop in my humble opinion, are taking away from the once glorious nature of our game. You know, I like to go out there and make hard hits and help the guy up but in my head think "holy gosh darn did I just hit you really hard right there" and that's been the nature of this game as long as I've played it. So, yes, I think these fines are bullpoop.


Troy, I know you feel that way but these fines are meant to protect the safety of you and the rest of your fellow players.


Commissioner Goodell, we are all big boys and I think we can take care of ourselves without all of these gosh darn pansy calls which we I personally feel are taking away from the game. These monkeyfetching calls are going to destroy the game, Mr. Goodell, and if that happens I for one would be so dang perturbed that I could scream a mild obscenity. That might cause me to spit milk and cookies all over the place, and that is no example for me to set for my children.


Troy, I'm sorry you feel that way but we are going to put the health of our players first and foremost.


This is utter bullpoop, Commissioner, and you know it. TROY POLAMALU IS NOT GOING TO LET THIS BULLPOOP STAND!


That's great, Troy.


BULLPOOP!

*hangs up*


*sighs*

That little tirade's gonna cost him 10 grand. I AM THE LAW!

*Puts on badge, pulls plastic guns out of sheriff costume holster and pretends to shoot in the air*

POW POW! POW POW! Roger, you are the best sheriff in town. Everybody respects you. Everybody respects your authority. Roger, *sniffs, fights back tears* you don't need to pull this macho routine to *sniff* prove your worth to *sniff* the NFL and the fans and players and *starts to cry*...


Dude, WTF? Are you sad, too? Is there anything you want to talk about?


*snaps out of it* Oh, I didn't know you were still on the line! What are you talking about? Nothing's wrong over here.


Roger, I know how you feel...*starts to cry*


*resumes crying*

Vince, I should have never fined you or said those mean things to you about the NFL *cries harder*...


*crying*

It's ok, Roger, I didn't take it personally, even though I take just about everything else personally. I mean...fuck it, Roger, you know? I don't care. Fuck it.


*openly sobbing*

Yeah, Vince, fuck it. Fuck it! I don't need to prove myself to these people. I'll fine whomever I want, insecurities be damned. FUCK IT!


Yeah Commish, fuck it!


*sniffs, attempts to stop crying*

Vince, let's not tell anybody about this, ok?


Maybe if you give me 10 grand.


Well, it's coming from Polamalu anyway.

Aha! Hahaha! LOL! There's a new sheriff in town, baby!

POW POW! POW POW POW!


POW POW POW! TEXAS STYLE!!!! Alright Rog, I gotta go update my Myspace status to "disconsolate".

*hangs up*


See ya.

POW POW!! Sheriff Goodell rides again! POW POW POW!!!