Thursday, November 20, 2008

Craigslist IV

I just can't help myself.



That's right, ladies. Please touch my penis with any part of your body until it has received sufficient stimulation to expel sperms onto you. The so-called money shot. It can go anywhere. Your face, mouth, vagina, legs, ottoman, coffee table, Swiffer, Murder She Wrote DVDs, your daughter's Easy Bake Oven, a set of colored pencils, stack of Home and Garden magazines, whatever. I don't care. As long as the ejaculate comes out of my penis, I'm happy. Does this really even sound that difficult? No. It's not. I'll even come over there. Do you live in a trailer park? I don't care. Do you weigh less than me? Well...I do care about that. You have to weigh less than me. I'm clocking in at about 185 and if you are weighing any more than that I am, I am sorry...but you are not allowed to touch my penis today. Next week? Maybe. We'll see.

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "hey, that's mean that you aren't going to let any of the heavier women touch your penis today until it ejaculates". That is true. Now, I might let them touch it a little bit but not until it ejaculates, but where is the fun in that? Seriously. That would be like saying, "yeah, I'm going to allow you to drive my Kia minivan, but you aren't allowed to take it out of neutral", or "sure, go ahead and borrow my full-body ninja suit, but you aren't allowed to carry the authentic 17th century ninja sword with it". It's just not worth it. What I will do is show up in my full-body ninja outfit, with my penis hanging out. And then, if you meet the weight requirement, you can touch it until it ejaculates. If not, you can sue my flaccid penis for discrimination.

That being said, I have to exclude some other parties regardless of weight:

Dudes: Dudes are not allowed to touch my penis today. Regardless, I'm sure I'll get responses from dudes to this with pictures of them attached in their mesh tank tops. I don't want any dudes to touch my penis until it ejaculates nor do I want to purchase any rhinestone-studded belts or silky mesh tanks.

Dogs and cats: Last time I tried this was a disaster, so please...if you have paws, you are disqualified. Cats, I don't care if you are declawed or are not allowed to touch my penis today. Plus, ejaculate is probably quite difficult to get out of your fur.

Publix employees: Last time I tried this I lobbied so hard to get a free Ultimate sub on white that I lost my voice. I don't want to lose my voice again because I'm going to need it to spit game Guidettes in front of Art Bar this weekend.

People with HIV: HIV is soooooo not en vogue these days and it doesn't go good with any color, so I don't want to get it. Maybe one day I'll get a shirt that goes good with AIDS but today is just not that day.

Lesbians: I've found it very hard to convince lesbians to touch my penis and I do not have the energy to go through this hassle again.

So, if you meet the above qualifications...actually, if you don't meet any of the above disqualifications...hit me up and maybe you can stimulate my penis to ejaculation.

I've attached a picture of myself wearing full-body ninja attire with my flaccid penis hanging out. I'm also carrying my ninja sword because I'm a bad ass.


I got some good responses last time. Let's see what this brings.


Rage said...

This one will work. You are gonna get some young fat chick hate, though. Feel free to share the responses

Vern said...

"i read your ENTIRE listing on CL....
do you have a blowout, wear ed hardy and affliction, lipgloss, take steroids and have it's respective pimples, how about those ridiculous ferrari you own them?
may i borrow your Dolce and Gabanna glasses?
do you pout your lips in pictures and walk like your carrying a tank of gas?
how about toothpicks in the mouth?
Would you like to be spray tanned? ( i actually spray tan professionally and run into plenty of these types)
..please tell me you posted because you were bored..or do you actually pickup women this way?

if i were a dude i'd totally try to bone a lonely fat girl.
either way, i like your drawing."

Rage said...

I'm must breed with this person IMMEDIATELY

Vern said...

This person is a dominatrix. I kid you not.

Her Myspace:

Rage said...

Holy shit, dude. I think I'd give THAT one a huge pass...

Rage said...

Nah, fuck it dude, you only live once, I'd go for it.