Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Sheriff Goodell

I better call Vince up and straighten this out.

Man, what's Sheriff Goodell want this time?

Hey, Vince. This is Sheriff Goodell. You still feeling down?

Fuck yeah dude...what do you want this time?

Vince...I feel bad for you, but...last week you insinuated that the National Football League was essentially the cause of your sadness.

Well, yeah. I go out there and all of these fans yell things at me like "boooooooo!" and stuff like that, but back in Texas they used to yell things like "yaaayyyyyyyy!" and "Viiiinnnnncccceeee!" and...I mean, it makes me sad.

I see. Well, I'm going to have to fine you $20,000.


Yeah, Vince. Sorry. But you can't say the NFL is anything less than the most important and most beneficial facet of your life. We can't have people out there thinking that the NFL makes you sad.

That's fucking ridiculous, Sheriff. I mean, it's not my fault that I'm sad. $20,000?!?! That's just ridiculous. I mean...oh, fuck it. Whatever. I don't even care. Fine. I'll send you a check.

Thanks, Vince. Cheer up. Or at least cheer up publicly.

*hangs up*

Actually, I had better call him back.

What now, man?

Vince, I was thinking...you know, you are sad and all, and I mean...ahhh, fuck it. The fine's rescinded.

The what?

Yeah, I thought about it, and...fuck it, you know. Fuck it. No fine.

Now you're speaking my language!

Hold on, I've got a call on the other line.

Hello, Troy.

Hey, Commissioner Goodell. I have some issues that I have gone over and I feel the need to voice my opinions to you personally.

Go ahead, Troy. I'm listening.

Commissioner, pardon my language, but I believe that some of these fines and penalties are kind of bullpoop and that they are turning football into an honest-to-goodness pantywaist sport. Football is meant to be a violent game and these questionable calls, which are bullpoop in my humble opinion, are taking away from the once glorious nature of our game. You know, I like to go out there and make hard hits and help the guy up but in my head think "holy gosh darn did I just hit you really hard right there" and that's been the nature of this game as long as I've played it. So, yes, I think these fines are bullpoop.

Troy, I know you feel that way but these fines are meant to protect the safety of you and the rest of your fellow players.

Commissioner Goodell, we are all big boys and I think we can take care of ourselves without all of these gosh darn pansy calls which we I personally feel are taking away from the game. These monkeyfetching calls are going to destroy the game, Mr. Goodell, and if that happens I for one would be so dang perturbed that I could scream a mild obscenity. That might cause me to spit milk and cookies all over the place, and that is no example for me to set for my children.

Troy, I'm sorry you feel that way but we are going to put the health of our players first and foremost.

This is utter bullpoop, Commissioner, and you know it. TROY POLAMALU IS NOT GOING TO LET THIS BULLPOOP STAND!

That's great, Troy.


*hangs up*


That little tirade's gonna cost him 10 grand. I AM THE LAW!

*Puts on badge, pulls plastic guns out of sheriff costume holster and pretends to shoot in the air*

POW POW! POW POW! Roger, you are the best sheriff in town. Everybody respects you. Everybody respects your authority. Roger, *sniffs, fights back tears* you don't need to pull this macho routine to *sniff* prove your worth to *sniff* the NFL and the fans and players and *starts to cry*...

Dude, WTF? Are you sad, too? Is there anything you want to talk about?

*snaps out of it* Oh, I didn't know you were still on the line! What are you talking about? Nothing's wrong over here.

Roger, I know how you feel...*starts to cry*

*resumes crying*

Vince, I should have never fined you or said those mean things to you about the NFL *cries harder*...


It's ok, Roger, I didn't take it personally, even though I take just about everything else personally. I mean...fuck it, Roger, you know? I don't care. Fuck it.

*openly sobbing*

Yeah, Vince, fuck it. Fuck it! I don't need to prove myself to these people. I'll fine whomever I want, insecurities be damned. FUCK IT!

Yeah Commish, fuck it!

*sniffs, attempts to stop crying*

Vince, let's not tell anybody about this, ok?

Maybe if you give me 10 grand.

Well, it's coming from Polamalu anyway.

Aha! Hahaha! LOL! There's a new sheriff in town, baby!


POW POW POW! TEXAS STYLE!!!! Alright Rog, I gotta go update my Myspace status to "disconsolate".

*hangs up*

See ya.

POW POW!! Sheriff Goodell rides again! POW POW POW!!!

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