Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Oh my God what offseason!

Jay Cutler CANNOT BELIEVE how active this offseason has been! And neither can AP's Barry Wilner...trades! Signings! Cuts! Oh my God, it's like there hasn't even been an offseason! This stuff never happens EXCEPT FOR EVERY FUCKING YEAR!

Supposedly, pro football has reached its downtime. Considering how the NFL has ignored for nearly five months that this is the offseason, a break sure would be nice right about now.

There is downtime. What has happened recently? Did someone sign a 7th round draft pick? Did Bernard Berrian stretch in minicamp? I can't keep up with all of this action!

Head coaches are on vacation—Philadelphia’s Andy Reid and Minnesota’s Brad Childress went fishing together in Alaska, where they presumably are not discussing how to incorporate dynamic first-round picks Jeremy Maclin(notes) and Percy Harvin(notes) into their offenses. General managers are examining 30-foot putts, not salary cap figures. Roger Goodell is climbing Mount Rainier.

DeMaurice Smith is taking pilates classes in Houston. Dan Rooney is fisting barmaids in Ireland. Bill Parcells is extracting tiger sperm in the Serengeti. Point is, things are quiet on the football front.

Hopefully, with people in the league really reading the calendar and taking vacations, the rumor mill will stop spinning uncontrollably—no more breathless Brett Favre(notes) half-truths or total misrepresentations, please—and everyone can recoup before training camps open in five weeks.

Yes, media...stop reporting on NFL stuff. Seriously, Barry Wilner needs to relax his overwhelmed brain. He has no time for minor things such as whether or not the reigning NFC North champs will be bringing in a journeyman future Hall-of-Famer to take over their QB position.

Besides, we’ve just witnessed the busiest offseason in memory. We could use a hiatus.

I don't have the time (I could make it, I guess) or resources (more important than time) to research this, but I can't see it being that much busier than recent years. But let's see your rationale.

Free agency and the draft are supposed to pique fans’ interest, and they’ve done the job well. Albert Haynesworth(notes) getting the biggest free agent contract in history, $100 million for seven years to take his defensive tackle skills from Tennessee to Washington, created a huge splash.

Biggest contract in history? I guess, going by guaranteed money (which is important). And...you know, these contracts get bigger every year. This would be like saying Sudan's population reached a record high in 2009, beating the record set in 2008! Splashwise, though, I don't think too many people got wet in this one. And trust me, I'd know. Wetness is the number 1 effect associated with me walking into a room.

Then came Kurt Warner(notes), playing the money game to perfection before extracting a two-year, $23 million deal to return to the Cardinals. Brian Dawkins(notes) tearfully leaving Philadelphia for Denver. And, by the way, with $9 million over two years for the 35-year-old safety.

Yes, people followed the Kurt Warner saga with rapt attention. Would he sign with Arizona soon or wait a little bit? Oh my, the suspense! And then the Eagles decided they couldn't afford to pay big money to an old veteran...THAT NEVER HAPPENS!

Potential Hall of Famers Derrick Brooks(notes), Orlando Pace(notes), Torry Holt(notes) and Fred Taylor(notes) were cut by the only teams they had ever suited up for. Pace and Taylor wound up with likely contenders in Chicago and New England, Holt landed in Jacksonville, and Brooks should find a new home this summer.

Happens like, every year. Around this time...you know, in the offseason, when teams aren't playing games and free agency starts and all that stuff.

The impressive list of free agents on the move has included receivers T.J. Houshmandzadeh(notes) to Seattle and Laveranues Coles(notes) to Cincinnati. DE Antonio Smith left the NFC champion Cardinals for Houston, and Jason Taylor(notes) wound up back in Miami. Safety Darren Sharper(notes) signed with New Orleans, while linebacker Bart Scott(notes) joined the Jets.

Again, this happens every year. Free agency. Same time. Every year. You could set your calendar to it! Because it happens every March 31 or something.

Trades, which happen in the NFL about as often as the Lions win a game, resurfaced with three doozies, the juiciest of which was the Jay Cutler(notes) saga in Denver.

True, the Jay Cutler saga was rare. But are trades really that rare? I doubt it. Didn't Shockey get traded to the Saints last offseason?

Already distraught over the firing of coach Mike Shanahan, Cutler was incensed when Shanahan’s replacement, Josh McDaniels, brought up the quarterback in trade talks. Things disintegrated from there, with Cutler at one point refusing to return McDaniels’ messages.

Didn't Randy Moss get traded to the Patriots two years ago?

Eventually, the franchise quarterback was dealt to Chicago for a boatload of draft picks and his nominal replacement, Kyle Orton(notes).

Didn't Chad Pennington get traded last offseason?

Another unhappy player—this time over money—tackle Jason Peters(notes) went from Buffalo to Philadelphia, which has restocked so well it might be the NFC favorite.

I think Terrell Owens was traded to the Cowboys after being disgruntled a couple years back.

And Kansas City sent the best tight end of his generation, Tony Gonzalez(notes), to Atlanta just before the draft.

As opposed to a superstar like Brett Favre, who almost certainly wasn't traded to the Jets in the year prior.

Amazingly, not even the T.O. carnival landing in Western New York—Owens signed a one year, $6.5 million contract with the Bills days after being released by Dallas—drew the most attention. Unfortunately, the stories involving guys who might not even play this season seemed to have the most juice. And drew the loudest and lengthiest analyses.

This happens with T.O. every fucking year. Are you retarded? I swear, if you are...I'm sorry for making fun of you and I'll stop.

Whither Favre, for instance? Or perhaps more pertinently, when will he land in Minnesota?

Yeah, the whole Favre thing is fresh and unique to this particular "offseason". I put "offseason" in quotes because things are happening and it's like we haven't even had one!

According to a variety of stories throughout the spring, some of them actually contradicting each other as they were being reported by one particular national sports outlet, Vikings executives/doctors/trainers visited Favre in Mississippi. Or they didn’t make the trip.


Favre contemplated surgery, then dropped the idea, then had surgery. The quarterback was given a deadline by the Vikings. Or he wasn’t. He was given a training program by the team. Or not.

Wow. This is so exciting. Favre might have a training program! Holy hell, can we get an offseason for Christ's sake!

Maybe the aging passer will come back again. At least Goodell doesn’t need to make any decisions about suspensions or fines in Favre’s lingering soap opera.

Goodell the Wise, able to discern between a guy who can't make up his mind and a guy who kills a construction worker. Look how busy this offseason's been! PLAYERS ARE KILLING GUYS!!!

The commissioner isn’t so fortunate when it comes to Michael Vick(notes), Donte’ Stallworth(notes) and Plaxico Burress(notes). Their stories, punctuated by litigation, investigation and plea-bargaining, have kept the seamier side of athletics in the spotlight.

Michael Vick killed dogs many offseasons ago. He's just getting out of prison for it now. Burress shot himself in-season. Really, the exciting part of these situations happened before this offseason.

Vick, under home confinement until July 20 after serving his federal prison sentence for running a dogfighting ring, presents the diciest dilemma for Goodell. Has the former Falcons quarterback, who was released by the team earlier this month, served enough time in the eyes of the NFL? Or will Goodell, in accordance with his powers under the league’s player conduct policy, suspend Vick?

My guess is yes, even though Vick has essentially already been suspended for two years by the law. Does anybody really care, though? We might miss out on watching Vick back up Matt Schaub!

Goodell already has suspended Stallworth indefinitely after the Browns receiver pleaded guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge.

I can't decide what gets my adrenaline pumping more, the fact that Goodell suspended Dante Stallworth, or the fact that Dante Stallworth killed a guy. I've certainly caught offseason fever!

Burress’ case has been adjourned until Sept. 23; he shot himself in the thigh last November in a Manhattan nightclub and was charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Goodell could opt to suspend Burress, too, under player conduct guidelines, even though his case has not been adjudicated.

I cannot believe that NFL players are just starting to break the law. Jeez, with the way this offseason is going, you'd think that Carolina Panthers players used to order hits on their pregnant girlfriends!

Got all that?

NO! My brain can't handle all 8 of the mostly typical things you've listed!

Did we mention the NFL Players Association hiring DeMaurice Smith, an energetic, high-powered attorney and football lover, to run the union and take on the owners in collective bargaining?

No you didn't! There's a lawyer heading the NFL Player's Union? UNREAL!

You'd have to look at the subatomic level to detect any semblance of my caring.

Or Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett diving in with the Dolphins? Or New Orleans being awarded the 2013 Super Bowl? Or NFL clubs teaming up with state lotteries for promotional purposes? Or John Madden’s retirement from broadcasting? Or …

Oh God. New Orleans got the 2013 Super Bowl? Does something like this happen every year? Would you rather they announce it at halftime of a Browns-Chargers game? How is that exciting? Did people jack themselves off in an emotional furor last January when Khartoum, Sudan was awarded the 2060 Desert Camelfucking World Championships?

Would it be more exciting if Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett were the ones doing the desert camelfucking?

What a good time to catch our breath.

Your parents are lesbians.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Energy drinks: part at least 6

Yes, you saw right....14 FUCKING HOURS OF ENERGY. I saw this today at the gas station near my house for the first time. 14 motherf-ing hours. Of energy. In a bottle. Seriously, doing enough cocaine to give you 14 hours of energy can kill you. Yet there it is in liquid form, sitting right next to the God damn bananas. And there are 12 in that box...so that's 168 hours of energy! IN ONE BOX! That's 7 entire days, man! A whole week! You seriously don't have to sleep for an entire week on this stuff, according to the packaging.

Who needs that much energy? And how can a $2.99 (seriously, it was just $2.99!) shot of whatever this mix of guarana, taurine and crystal meth is really keep you up and alert for 14 hours? I might have to try it, since I am all about not ever sleeping. All sleeping does is waste time that can be otherwise spent being alive. Seriously, how much easier would life be if you had a full 24 hours in a day? I could do my laundry at like, 3 am. I'd go to the gym at like, 5 am. I might even clean something. I'd be so productive. Even though I really don't need that much energy, I still want to harness it. I would be like catching lightning with your fingertips. And hopefully without singing your pubes.

Where is this going to stop? First it was Red Bulls, which gave you wings just like Kotex. Then 5-hour energy. Than 6-hour power. Then I saw 7 hours. NOW 14. Why measure this in hours? Fuck that, man. I'm starting my own energy shot.


Sure, it will have a mix of herbs and spices and fetus extract and all that good stuff, but the main two energy ingredients will not be a secret to anyone...exclamation points and hawk sperm. Suck on that, Powerthirst. Gonna be more like LOSERSAUCE when One Week Tweak comes out. Seriously...you tell me a more potent energy combo than exclamation points and real hawk sperm and I will swim to Ghana and cut my balls off. The hawk semen is jacked freshly out of actual wild hawks completely against their will, which makes it twice as potent as consensually obtained hawk jizz. Seriously, with these hawks it's hand-raped or bust. Well...they don't bust in that case. That's like a reverse pun! Strong plays on words and similar creative turns of phrase are where we will obtain our exclamation points.

So put down that 14-hour fraud and pick up a 2 ounce One Week Tweak today!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Airport hot

Yeah, I done been slackin' on this website, and yinz can suck it. This was meant to go up YEARS ago (ok, last Friday).

On my trip to and from San Diego, and ESPECIALLY in my stop in Houston, I can't help but notice how....well, unattractive people in airports are. While unsuccessfully trying to set up a pre-trip J from a familiar female acquaintance, I was told that maybe I should try my luck with a cougar at the airport. Well, you know what? There really weren't many chicks at the airport that I would even allow to blow me in a janitorial closet, even if they came up to me and asked nicely.

"Hey, Vern, can I please put your penis in my mouth?"

Uhhh...uhh, well....uhh...sorry, I've got to board! Maybe next time.

AND I WOULD ALMOST NEVER TURN DOWN A FREE-J. So this is saying something.

Any chick in an airport with full control of her motor functions is pretty much "airport hot". And it's even worse at the convention I was at...which dealt with an industrial field. Convention hot? Pretty much anyone with a vagina. I've never been to prison, but I can't imagine the selection being too much worse there.

So where are all of you women that I talk to (or, at the very least, make eye contact with) in the rest of the world? DON'T YOU EVER FLY?!?!?! I swear I'll buy you a plane ticket if you just sit next to me on the plane...and jack me off underneath the blanket the stewardess gave me.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Is this legit?

Poor Earnest Byner...fumbling away the Browns chances back in the '80s during that short time period where they were actually legit.

Well, I'm back from San Diego, returning to Fort Lauderdale in all of its early summer 95-degree and humid glory, reading up on the recent flooding to befall the City of Champions, and basking in the glow of last week's Penguins championship. Ok, maybe that's an over-romanticized way to say that I got home and sat around playing video games. But regardless, I was alerted by my pal Cotter, who is always on top of all things Pittsburgh at One For the Other Thumb, that some douchesack from Cleveland was attempting to rain all over my parade. And that, my internet friends, is UNACCEPTABLE!

Ok, Cleveland douche. Let's do this.

Pittsburgh leads Cleveland, 11-0, in titles since 1964? Whoop-dee-doo!
by Mike Peticca, The Plain Dealer
Tuesday June 16, 2009, 1:33 PM

Whoop-de-do? E-fucking-gads, you renaissance retard. You don't have to write the article like it's actually 1964.

Typical of those who can't accept an occasional taste of provincial success with grace and dignity, Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette gloats that his tired city has won 11 major sports championships in the last 45 years, to none for Cleveland.

HE'S A FUCKING SPORTSWRITER. That's what sportswriters do. After one of their hometown teams wins a fucking championship, THEY WRITE ABOUT IT. And one of the city's sporting qualities is a rivalry with Cleveland. So he took some digs. Whatever. The only thing Pittsburgh is tired of is parades.

Another funny thing is that people from Cleveland keep attempting to trash Pittsburgh like their city is better in any category...one of these two cities has evolved since the '70s and diversified their economy to bring it up-to-date with and even a step ahead of most of the modern era, and the other has an economy based entirely on LeBron James. You can figure for yourself which is which.

He writes:

The celebration yesterday in honor of the Penguins was our second in 132 days, dating to the February party for the Steelers after Super Bowl XLIII. It was the third in 40-plus months, counting the parade for the Steelers after Super Bowl XL in February 2006.

Cleveland hasn't had three in 40 years.

Actually, that's factually incorrect.

Cleveland hasn't had even one in 45 years for any of its major professional sports teams.

Well, yeah, that's all true. I have illegitimate children older than my dad was 45 years ago.

Cook's boasts - prompted by the Penguins' NHL Stanley Cup victory - may have some numerical veracity, but they lack historical perspective and are, really, only half (if that) the story.

That's kind of vague. Let's see what you've got to back it up.

Steelers stealers


Take the Steelers...please.

Pittsburgh was the worst franchise in the NFL until it hired Cleveland-born Chuck Noll as its coach. He led the Steelers to four of their first six Super Bowl championships. Keying Noll's indomitable defense was Hall of Famer Jack Lambert, a graduate of Crestwood High in Portage County and Kent State, and considered by some as the best linebacker ever.

Another player of note was Terry Bradshaw, who was born in Louisiana. Also important was Lynn Swann, a USC product. Mazech Tahl, who helped with cleaning the uniforms after games, was from Latvia.

This is retarded. No one cares where people were born...well, outside of people that live in an area that has nothing going for it. Do Pittsburghers claim that the 49ers owe much of their 1980's success to local product Joe Montana? Do they claim Marino's passing records? Are you actually suggesting, in all seriousness (or even any level of actual serious), that the Steelers actually stole people out of Ohio to lead them on their Super Bowl runs? That is retardation on the atomic level. Really. You can't get dumber than that. The stupidity of that thought could destroy a large city and give the majority of its residents radiation poisoning.

Former Browns linebacker and assistant coach Bill Cowher led Pittsburgh to its fifth Super Bowl win. Cowher, despite his accomplishments, wasn't good enough to be head coach for the Browns. Don't believe it? Former Browns owner Art Modell chose Bill Belichick over Cowher as Cleveland's new coach in 1991. Proving that the Browns' decision-makers have always known what's best, Belichick has coached three Super Bowl championship teams.

Oh my God. Please, look up "OMG" on Wikipedia. You'll see this paragraph.

Wow, Modell chose Belichick over Cowher. Good deal. Both turned out to be pretty good coaches in their own right; of course, they had to go to actual teams to do it. Interesting that the Browns would choose the coach known for cheating his way to three Super Bowls, and yet he STILL couldn't win anything in Cleveland.

But hey, the Browns have Romeo Crennel now, so it's all good.

Who's the reigning NFL defensive Player of the Year, and a linebacker on Pittsburgh's last two world champion teams? Akron's James Harrison, another former Kent State star.

Dude, get off of this tired-ass tip. Also, James Harrison had as much to do with the SB XL victory as parlando singing had to do with the success of Milli Vanilli.

What would the Steelers have been without such guys? And, all of their championships have been won since NFL games became more a dance than a brawl. After all, it was Lambert himself who famously said, "Quarterbacks should wear dresses," after he was reprimanded by the league for hitting a quarterback too hard. The Browns won all four of their titles when the game wasn't supervised like a croquet match.

So the Steelers now have to credit all of their championships to Cleveland? The Steelers wouldn't have been anywhere without a lot of different people from a multitude of places all over the country, you moron. And the same goes for ANY OTHER FUCKING THING IN LIFE THAT HAPPENS.

But, yes, point you. The Browns were AWESOME in the 1940's when the games weren't for pansies, there were 8 teams in the league, the players wore leather helmets, and Frank Sinatra was about 24.

We think Ron has really Cooked the books on this one. Cleveland has it all over Pittsburgh culturally, anyway. Do you know that Pittsburgh is so lacking in creative thinking that its football team was named the Pirates from 1933-40 (when it went 24-62-5, by the way)?

Ha! Awesome joke on Cook's name! And you have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Did you know that the Browns named their team after one of its coaches? And that their team sucked? And that it then moved to Baltimore and it won a Super Bowl there? And then a new team came in to replace it and it continues to suck to this day?

Pirates just been awful

The Pittsburgh Pirates' baseball team even makes the former, failed and forlorn Pittsburgh Pirates' football team look good.

Yep. The Pirates make the football team that used to suck in the FUCKING 1940'S look good by comparison.

Pittsburgh baseball has lost 318 games more than it has won since 1992. Recent Indians' teams look like the 1927 Yankees compared to the Buccos. Yes, the Pirates won the World Series in 1971 and 1979, but if they were any good lately, they would have made it to the 1995 or 1997 World Series to play the Indians, to see who really is best.

Right, the World Series' that the Indians lost to the Braves and then TO THE MARLINS. The last Indians championship occurred when JonBenét Ramsey's parents were 7.

The Pirates' inherited their ineptitude from the Pittsburgh Alleghenys, who went 23-113 in the 1890 National League pennant chase, finishing 66 1/2 games behind the first-place Brooklyn Bridegrooms and 23 games in the dust of the seventh-place Cleveland Spiders. The Alleghenys were outscored by 738 runs for the season, which even a Steel City citizen could tell you is more than one run per game.

Holy fuck, you are going back to 1890??!??!?! One of your insults is seriously that a Pittsburgh baseball team really sucked in 1890, back when the balls were made of sourdough bread and players used brooms for bats and had handlebar mustaches. Most of the chemicals that helped set Cleveland's river on fire hadn't even been created yet.

Also, we are SO much better at math than you people that it's not even worth discussing. Cleveland is still best known for being the birthplace of Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony.

Yes, in 1899, the Cleveland Spiders went 20-134, but we dare Ron Cook to find one person who can honestly say those Spiders were worse than the '90 Alleghenys.

Uh, because both of these events occurred in the 1890s? And percentage wise, that's many times worse. The winning percentages (divide wins by games played) were 16.9% for the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys and 13.0% for the NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BECAUSE IT HAPPENED IN 1899.

Take Cavs over any Pitt team

What a great NBA history Pittsburgh has. Its lone NBA team, the 1946-47 Pittsburgh Ironmen (another creative name), played in the league during just its first season, when it was called the Basketball Association of America.

What's wrong with the Ironmen? Your team is named after somebody who rides a horse and fences. We can, of course, compare our spotty basketball history with your hockey history, if you'd like.

Typical of the city they represented, the Ironmen went 15-45, finishing 15 games behind the legendary Cleveland Rebels. Pittsburgh record books show that Colby Gunther is the team's all-time field goal percentage leader, hitting 33.6 percent of his shots. Some Pittsburgh fans could tell you Colby missed more than half his shots. A lot more, in fact.

The Cleveland Rebels are legendary? Ken Jennings hasn't even heard of the Cleveland Rebels.

If the Rebels were in any way indicative of the city they represented, they would have been homeless.

Penguins who?

Let's say this about hockey. Nobody had even heard of the Pittsburgh Penguins when the Cleveland Barons were winning nine Calder Cup championships between 1939 and 1964. That's when the NHL had six teams, and the Barons were commonly called the "seventh best hockey team in the world." We say they were the best. Not their fault they weren't allowed to play the Canadiens, Red Wings, etc.

Oh, so we will talk about Cleveland's hockey history, evem though it was in some minor league somewhere. One of the major reasons that nobody had heard of the Penguins at that point was due to the fact that they were FOUNDED IN 1967.

But hey, again, Cleveland apparently rocked during the Great Depression.

Ohio, 7-1

Just so Pittsburgh backers know, their city is in Pennsylvania and Cleveland is in Ohio. Despite an 89-year slump, Ohio has had seven men born in the state elected president. Pennsylvania has had one, and if you want to know how the experts rank him, look here.

Uhhh...ok. Just so people in Cleveland know, these are the lengths they have to go to if they want to feel superior to Pittsburgh in anything that people actually care about.

Friday, June 12, 2009

We've got a game 7 tonight

Oh snaps, that's right! Game 7, Pens v. Kotex Red Wings. Marian Hossa may lay on the ice like a broad AGAIN. Zetterberg likes young Vietnamese boys more than the law allows. Pavel Datsyuk knows exactly what happened to JonBenét Ramsey. Mike Babcock gives interviews like a heroin addict hurting for another hit. IT'S STANLEY CUP HOCKEY ON NBC!!!

Fortunately, I get to watch it in my house and go to sleep afterwards because I have a 6:30 am flight to San Diego tomorrow. Which is gay. Fucking great timing, Bettman...that Stanley Cup Finals are barely over before the MLB all-star break. I think the season starts again in 5 weeks with an exhibition in fucking Mongolia. There are balls to be licked, Gary, and they belong to every hockey fan on the planet. So get to lickin'.

So, expect more of the non-posting from Vern that you have become accustomed to through the next week as I rock the fuck out of another awesome work convention. And try not to lay on the ice like broads, Penguins.

Disparaging the weatherman

I always wonder why people say stuff like, "oh, they only predicted a 30% chance of rain and it's raining!" and "ha! They said it was gonna be 94 degrees and it's only 89!". "The weatherman said it's gonna rain, so you know what that means!".

Yes...it probably means that IT'S GOING TO RAIN. A 30% chance of rain means that it might rain. A 70% chance of it raining means it might not rain. You know, the guy is TELLING YOU WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN 4 DAYS. He might be a little bit off. The rain might miss you by 40 miles. Holy hell people, is that not close enough? The guy just told you within a few hours and miles where clouds that were in Oklahoma 3 days ago were going to be at today in Georgia.

You know, back in 1889, you didn't have that luxury. If it was going to be unseasonably warm on your wagon trip to Charlotte, you wouldn't know until it was too late. So you had to pack a bunch of extra stuff or be completely horse-fucked. Which probably sucked. And then if there was a hurricane? Well, you're dead. FUCKING DEAD! So people that complain about bad forecasting when a devastating hurricane changes it's course a day before landfall can suck it. You knew about this hurricane when it was 32,349 miles away in the middle of the Cocklantic Ocean! Back in 1928, you just died! YOU. JUST. DIED. So give the weatherpeople a break.

I just never got the complaining about small inaccuracies in weather forecasting, and Blogger is my podium from which to take a stand. And I'm sure that the stand I take will be far-reaching and highly effective.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Vince Wilfork is concerned about Vince Wilfork's Earth

Hey y'all, this is Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork here to talk a little sense into you about the rapidly warming climate that we have been seeing in the past decade or so.

Bottom line, we need to protect Vince Wilfork's Earth.

Vince Wilfork isn't out there spraying CFCs or keeping Vince Wilfork's lights on when he isn't home, and you shouldn't be, either. This is going to be a team effort, people...Vince Wilfork can't save the planet by himself. So help Vince Wilfork out.

Think about it...this planet is the only planet Vince Wilfork has, and the same goes for you. Fucking car pool or something, ok? Have you seen how high global sea levels are rising each and every year? A shitload, that's for sure. You may think that 2 or 3 centimeters is not a big deal, but take it from Vince Wilfork, that shit is gonna catch up with us eventually. And Vince Wilfork is not about to be living underwater, so let's get our shit together, ok?

Fuckin' check this shit:

- Average temperatures have risen by 1.4 degrees Fahrenheit since the 1880's. Vince Wilfork does not like to sweat, alright?

- The rate of these temperature increases is rising itself. Take it from Vince Wilfork, this is only going to get worse if we don't address it now. Vince Wilfork can't solve a global crisis himself and he is asking for your help.

- The arctic is a good early indicator of climate change, and it's getting fucked up quickly up there. Vince Wilfork has never been to the arctic, so he needs you eskimos to get your shit together, ok?

- The arctic ice pack is thinning, and the region may have its first ice-free summer as early as 2040. Polar bears and other native creatures are suffering the ill effects of this loss of sea ice. Vince Wilfork has never seen a polar bear but he would be a little sad if they were all to disappear. Vince Wilfork is a huge Coca-Cola fan and has a tremendous respect for polar bears.

- This shit isn't good for coral reefs, as subtle temperature changes really fuck them up. Vince Wilfork attended the University of Miami and knows a coral reef when he sees one. Vince Wilfork wants to continue to see coral reefs.

- Hurricanes and other storms are getting worse with the rising ocean temperatures. Vince Wilfork does not want to see any more people dyin' and shit in hurricanes.

So there you have it, citizens of Earth. Y'all need to pick your games up and help Vince Wilfork save Vince Wilfork's planet, alright?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Argument that chaps my balls: equal penalty distributions

It's been awhile since I've posted one of these, but please...don't let that cloud your beliefs into thinking that my balls have been somewhat chap-free. Because they haven't. My balls are always chapped by life's nuances, moreso at some points than at others. But there is ALWAYS some motherf-in' chap on my balls, yo.

Today's Blistex will be applied by touching on the notion that all sporting events should have equal penalty distributions. And this has nothing to do with Pens-Red Wings, although you can make a compelling argument that penalties are only being called in a way that keeps the calls evenly distributed. We heard it during the Caps-Pens series, during the Steelers-Chargers game, during NBA games in which one team shoots a pissload of free throws compared to the other, etc etc. And motherfuckers are always all "yo dog, this shizz is fixed! Look how many more penalty minutes Edmonton had! Y'all niggaz ain't know Edmonton was mad gangsta ehhhhh?", and I'm all like "S THE F UP". They aren't supposed to be even just for the sake of being even.

But why should penalties always be even or close to it just for the sake of equal distribution? An team like the Lakers, with Kobe, is going to shoot more free throws then a team like the Magic, who thrive on kicks to open shooters. If you are taking open J's, you aren't going to get fouled. Meanwhile, going to the hole effectively and drawing help from big men who come into the lane from the side and swat at the shots is going to elicit some whistles. So why the hell do free throws have to be even?

That goes for any sport. Say an NFL team has a terrible offensive line and they go up against some good pass rushers or a team like the Stillers that has a lot of disguised LB blitzes from a 3-4 defensive set...those linemen are going to get beat quite often and be forced to hold. Same went for the Steelers O-Line...with that level of combined suck and mental errors, they are going to commit quite a few holds. So if the Steelers go up against a team with a smart, cohesive offensive line, chances are that they are going to have a penalty defecit, at least as far as holding calls go. And I've never been one to hop on the James Harrison is held every play bandwagon...he kind of is, but so are a lot of leverage rushers, and you aren't going to get too many calls when the O-lineman is holding you with his arms close to his body. Whatevs, that's beside the point. Unless a lot of those calls are going uncalled to keep penalty distribution even...in which case it is the entire point. So what I'm saying is it's either the point or not the point. This is why I don't write for legitimate sporting outfits. FUCK YOU, ESTABLISHED MEDIA! They can be completely wrong but make sense while doing so. FOR SHAME!

Anyway, hockey seems to be the worst. Probably because penalty calls have more effect in hockey than in any other major sport. In the NBA you get a one-point shot. In the NFL, you lose some yards. Baseball doesn't have them. I guess you get tossed but get a replacement. Or a balk. You give up a base. Soccer has penalties that can be killers but only if you get a red card. Anything else doesn't really matter. But in hockey, every single penalty leaves you shorthanded. That's a pretty big deal. So, people are always spouting off about the discrepancies in penalty calls. Which is fine, if you cite actual instances to back up your reasoning. But just looking at the penalty minutes served by each team does not make any point by itself. It's just lazy. What if the Milwaukee Beer-Chugging Rapists are facing off against the Rochester Hasidic Jews? Would you not expect slightly more righteous play from one of these teams over the other? The Beer-Chugging Rapists probably deserve all the penalties they rack up when they hit the Jews away from the puck and grab their jerseys and slash them with their sticks and everything along those lines, while you just know that the game of the Hasidic Jews has strong foundations in solid passing and stickhandling. So don't start to tell me that the NHL is fixed just because the Beer-Chugging Rapists got 4 more penalties called on them than the Hasidic Jews. Get that weak stuff out of here.

So if penalties are to be distributed evenly, the following must hold:

- The fuck are people thinking buying two million copies of Lil' Wayne's latest mailed-in rapping effort? Not a single person has purchased a Gunpowder Jones CD. This must be rectified.

- So Kim Kardashian is blowing Reggie Bush...well, I call next. TO RECEIVE, SICKOS.

- On a related note, if I give you one pearl necklace, I will be required to do the same to all of your friends. Pearl necklaces! It will be like you all went to Jared's! Or, well, I did. Whatever.

- I want some of Rik Smit's last contract. SPREAD THE WEALTH, RIK!

- Pac-Man Jones has a lot of making it rain to do.

That's all I've got. CURSE YOU, TYPICAL ARGUMENTS!!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Who wants to fuck a Spelling Bee champion?

Yes, ladies. You heard me right...CHAMPION. So who wants to be deflowered as if, in the spirit of the term, I possessed the erect, sword-shapen leaves of the African gladiolis plant?

We need to abrogate this facade, this mere game that we are playing, and pursue a sexually-achieved ascetic state of existence. A state of being achieved only immediately after I strategically position a neufchatel-esque ribbon of virile ejaculate on that foulard cloth scarf of yours. You must, I implore MUST, be getting as aroused as I am just visualizing the completion of this act.


God, the occurrence that you are unconscionably waiting for before allowing me to penetrate your vaginal cavity is unbeknownst to me. What in the name of the canonical words of our Lord are you awaiting that is indefinitely postponing our sexual dalliances? I MUST BE APPRISED OF THE TRUE INTENTIONS OF YOUR NEBULOUS REASONINGS! I pray to the quasars above that they are perfectly benign.

I do not possess the requisite period of unallocated time for you to continue your aimless ruminations on these thoughts. Please forgive my truculent nature, but I must receive a definitely response from you on the matter of my defiling of your female workings. I have not the time nor the physical energy to elucubrate a positive result from my advances upon you.

So either fuck me now or I'm moving on, you fucking tramp.