Sports v. Real Life

Above is Clint Benedict. He'll come into play shortly.


So, on the Tuesday (6/30) jeopisode of Jeopardy, there was a question about hockey entitled "The Puck Stops Here". And, you know, it's Jeopardy, so the questions have to be a bit difficult, right? At least something like "this Quebecois Queocksucker scored a fuckton of goals and was nicknamed 'Rocket'". Not the hardest question for a hockey follower, but something of moderate difficulty that wouldn't be answerable to any children's book author from Massachusetts or anything.

But noooooo, they ask dickbag questions like, 'the Montreal Canadiens play hockey in this syrup-covered country', and 'hockey is played on frozen water, also known as this'. F that. That's gay. So here are the questions, from a site called J-Archive, which is also the name I have given to the list of phone numbers that I call when I want some chick to come over and casually blow me:




After stopping a puck with his face in 1930, Clint Benedict became the first NHL goalie to wear one of these.

Hmmm...I have no fucking clue!!!! What the hell would an NHL goalie wear on his face after getting hit with a puck? Is there something that I don't know about Clint Benedict? Did he wear mascara? Or shave his eyebrows or something? What is the question, Trebek???

"What is a mask", says children's book author Tui Sutherland. I would have gone with "What the fuck?", but that's just me.



$400, Alex!



Goalies have only done this 11 times in NHL history.

You know what? I'm ok with this one. It's difficult enough to be a $400 question on Jeopardy, a game in which categories about Britain ask you who the fucking king was in the year 849 and categories about baseball ask if players typically wear gloves or not.

"Score a goal!" Good job, Nina.


$600!



When a goalie stops a shot on goal, he gets credit for one of these, like a relief pitcher in baseball.

Oh my God. Seriously? You are offering $600 to anyone with sufficient hockey knowledge to answer this question? That would be like picking a category about composers, getting a Daily Double, wagering half of your winnings, and getting "This composer, who wrote the 'Paris Symphony', had a name that rhymed with Bolfgang Pozart"'. If you were into classical music, you'd probably immediately leave the studio, fly to Barrow, Alaska, and start killing eskimos. Just brutally and systematically murdering every eskimo you saw with no respect at all for their heritage. Because you would be appalled that they would actually deign to ask you such a ridiculously simple question.

Anyway, Tyrone agrees with me and buzzes in to put this to rest.

"What is a strike?"

Holy fuck, Tyrone. What is a horse-fucking moron, maybe? I don't care if you don't watch hockey...who would see a goalie make a save and say "WHOA! That was a sick strike! Best strike I've ever seen!" Because I'd punch you in your head.

Nina, ask us what a save is.

Thank you.



$800, Alex! Let me guess...what is a fucking hockey stick?

A goalie's stick is composed of 3 parts: the shaft, the paddle & this ice-scraping bottom piece also found on a skate.

Oh....hmmmmm....the bottom of a fucking ice skate? What's on that? Is it the shaft, the paddle and the shoelace? Can we just call it the metal ice thingy? God damn it. Tyrone, redeem yourself.

"What is the pick?"

Oh jeez. Tyrone, you live in Maryland. Have you never seen ice? Have you been watching too much Oz? No one skates around on an ice pick. They kill people with them. And unless you are Clint Malarchuk, I don't see how you can confuse the too.

IT'S A BLADE. Thanks, Nina. Although I feel like you are just stealing money at this point.



I've given up. Close out the category.

It's the area a goalie patrols in front of the net, or a feature of freshly pressed pants.

Sweet! Missing the cut were "a player who commits a foul must sit in the penalty this, or a slang term for a vagina" and "both faceoffs and bukkake sessions are associated with this shape". I think they chose the worst of the bunch, personally. I guess, similarly to $400, it's ok for a Jeopardy sports question although it's pushing it...but for $1000? Jeez. For that kind of coin, you should ask which Ottawa Senator pushing for his release one year into a long-term deal killed a teammate a few years back or something.

And again, Nina steals this money, as she loves her pants with a fresh crease.


But my question is this...are these questions really that easy? Or do I just follow sports so hard that I am just unaware to the fact that knowing that baseball bats are made out of wood is pretty much the real-world equivalent of knowing that the Siege of Ochakov occured in what is now Ukraine in 1789? I think it may be a little bit of both in some cases, but come on, now...here's the $1,000 answer from "Things That Are Blue" or something like that:


Though, as you see, it comes in other colors, the terrier seen here has this cerulean name.

The correct response is "what is a Kerry Blue Terrier?"...to which I reply, what the fuck is a Kerry Blue Terrier? I have never heard of this dog in my entire life and I am still not convinced that they exist. Surely, more people have heard of the crease, right?

Fucking Jeopardy.

Oh my God what offseason!

Jay Cutler CANNOT BELIEVE how active this offseason has been! And neither can AP's Barry Wilner...trades! Signings! Cuts! Oh my God, it's like there hasn't even been an offseason! This stuff never happens EXCEPT FOR EVERY FUCKING YEAR!





Supposedly, pro football has reached its downtime. Considering how the NFL has ignored for nearly five months that this is the offseason, a break sure would be nice right about now.

There is downtime. What has happened recently? Did someone sign a 7th round draft pick? Did Bernard Berrian stretch in minicamp? I can't keep up with all of this action!




Head coaches are on vacation—Philadelphia’s Andy Reid and Minnesota’s Brad Childress went fishing together in Alaska, where they presumably are not discussing how to incorporate dynamic first-round picks Jeremy Maclin(notes) and Percy Harvin(notes) into their offenses. General managers are examining 30-foot putts, not salary cap figures. Roger Goodell is climbing Mount Rainier.

DeMaurice Smith is taking pilates classes in Houston. Dan Rooney is fisting barmaids in Ireland. Bill Parcells is extracting tiger sperm in the Serengeti. Point is, things are quiet on the football front.





Hopefully, with people in the league really reading the calendar and taking vacations, the rumor mill will stop spinning uncontrollably—no more breathless Brett Favre(notes) half-truths or total misrepresentations, please—and everyone can recoup before training camps open in five weeks.

Yes, media...stop reporting on NFL stuff. Seriously, Barry Wilner needs to relax his overwhelmed brain. He has no time for minor things such as whether or not the reigning NFC North champs will be bringing in a journeyman future Hall-of-Famer to take over their QB position.





Besides, we’ve just witnessed the busiest offseason in memory. We could use a hiatus.

I don't have the time (I could make it, I guess) or resources (more important than time) to research this, but I can't see it being that much busier than recent years. But let's see your rationale.




Free agency and the draft are supposed to pique fans’ interest, and they’ve done the job well. Albert Haynesworth(notes) getting the biggest free agent contract in history, $100 million for seven years to take his defensive tackle skills from Tennessee to Washington, created a huge splash.

Biggest contract in history? I guess, going by guaranteed money (which is important). And...you know, these contracts get bigger every year. This would be like saying Sudan's population reached a record high in 2009, beating the record set in 2008! Splashwise, though, I don't think too many people got wet in this one. And trust me, I'd know. Wetness is the number 1 effect associated with me walking into a room.




Then came Kurt Warner(notes), playing the money game to perfection before extracting a two-year, $23 million deal to return to the Cardinals. Brian Dawkins(notes) tearfully leaving Philadelphia for Denver. And, by the way, with $9 million over two years for the 35-year-old safety.

Yes, people followed the Kurt Warner saga with rapt attention. Would he sign with Arizona soon or wait a little bit? Oh my, the suspense! And then the Eagles decided they couldn't afford to pay big money to an old veteran...THAT NEVER HAPPENS!






Potential Hall of Famers Derrick Brooks(notes), Orlando Pace(notes), Torry Holt(notes) and Fred Taylor(notes) were cut by the only teams they had ever suited up for. Pace and Taylor wound up with likely contenders in Chicago and New England, Holt landed in Jacksonville, and Brooks should find a new home this summer.

Happens like, every year. Around this time...you know, in the offseason, when teams aren't playing games and free agency starts and all that stuff.






The impressive list of free agents on the move has included receivers T.J. Houshmandzadeh(notes) to Seattle and Laveranues Coles(notes) to Cincinnati. DE Antonio Smith left the NFC champion Cardinals for Houston, and Jason Taylor(notes) wound up back in Miami. Safety Darren Sharper(notes) signed with New Orleans, while linebacker Bart Scott(notes) joined the Jets.

Again, this happens every year. Free agency. Same time. Every year. You could set your calendar to it! Because it happens every March 31 or something.





Trades, which happen in the NFL about as often as the Lions win a game, resurfaced with three doozies, the juiciest of which was the Jay Cutler(notes) saga in Denver.

True, the Jay Cutler saga was rare. But are trades really that rare? I doubt it. Didn't Shockey get traded to the Saints last offseason?




Already distraught over the firing of coach Mike Shanahan, Cutler was incensed when Shanahan’s replacement, Josh McDaniels, brought up the quarterback in trade talks. Things disintegrated from there, with Cutler at one point refusing to return McDaniels’ messages.

Didn't Randy Moss get traded to the Patriots two years ago?




Eventually, the franchise quarterback was dealt to Chicago for a boatload of draft picks and his nominal replacement, Kyle Orton(notes).

Didn't Chad Pennington get traded last offseason?




Another unhappy player—this time over money—tackle Jason Peters(notes) went from Buffalo to Philadelphia, which has restocked so well it might be the NFC favorite.

I think Terrell Owens was traded to the Cowboys after being disgruntled a couple years back.




And Kansas City sent the best tight end of his generation, Tony Gonzalez(notes), to Atlanta just before the draft.

As opposed to a superstar like Brett Favre, who almost certainly wasn't traded to the Jets in the year prior.




Amazingly, not even the T.O. carnival landing in Western New York—Owens signed a one year, $6.5 million contract with the Bills days after being released by Dallas—drew the most attention. Unfortunately, the stories involving guys who might not even play this season seemed to have the most juice. And drew the loudest and lengthiest analyses.

This happens with T.O. every fucking year. Are you retarded? I swear, if you are...I'm sorry for making fun of you and I'll stop.





Whither Favre, for instance? Or perhaps more pertinently, when will he land in Minnesota?

Yeah, the whole Favre thing is fresh and unique to this particular "offseason". I put "offseason" in quotes because things are happening and it's like we haven't even had one!




According to a variety of stories throughout the spring, some of them actually contradicting each other as they were being reported by one particular national sports outlet, Vikings executives/doctors/trainers visited Favre in Mississippi. Or they didn’t make the trip.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE THE INTERNET IS FULL OF RUMORS ON THINGS!





Favre contemplated surgery, then dropped the idea, then had surgery. The quarterback was given a deadline by the Vikings. Or he wasn’t. He was given a training program by the team. Or not.

Wow. This is so exciting. Favre might have a training program! Holy hell, can we get an offseason for Christ's sake!





Maybe the aging passer will come back again. At least Goodell doesn’t need to make any decisions about suspensions or fines in Favre’s lingering soap opera.

Goodell the Wise, able to discern between a guy who can't make up his mind and a guy who kills a construction worker. Look how busy this offseason's been! PLAYERS ARE KILLING GUYS!!!





The commissioner isn’t so fortunate when it comes to Michael Vick(notes), Donte’ Stallworth(notes) and Plaxico Burress(notes). Their stories, punctuated by litigation, investigation and plea-bargaining, have kept the seamier side of athletics in the spotlight.

Michael Vick killed dogs many offseasons ago. He's just getting out of prison for it now. Burress shot himself in-season. Really, the exciting part of these situations happened before this offseason.





Vick, under home confinement until July 20 after serving his federal prison sentence for running a dogfighting ring, presents the diciest dilemma for Goodell. Has the former Falcons quarterback, who was released by the team earlier this month, served enough time in the eyes of the NFL? Or will Goodell, in accordance with his powers under the league’s player conduct policy, suspend Vick?

My guess is yes, even though Vick has essentially already been suspended for two years by the law. Does anybody really care, though? We might miss out on watching Vick back up Matt Schaub!




Goodell already has suspended Stallworth indefinitely after the Browns receiver pleaded guilty to a DUI manslaughter charge.

I can't decide what gets my adrenaline pumping more, the fact that Goodell suspended Dante Stallworth, or the fact that Dante Stallworth killed a guy. I've certainly caught offseason fever!





Burress’ case has been adjourned until Sept. 23; he shot himself in the thigh last November in a Manhattan nightclub and was charged with criminal possession of a weapon. Goodell could opt to suspend Burress, too, under player conduct guidelines, even though his case has not been adjudicated.

I cannot believe that NFL players are just starting to break the law. Jeez, with the way this offseason is going, you'd think that Carolina Panthers players used to order hits on their pregnant girlfriends!




Got all that?

NO! My brain can't handle all 8 of the mostly typical things you've listed!






Did we mention the NFL Players Association hiring DeMaurice Smith, an energetic, high-powered attorney and football lover, to run the union and take on the owners in collective bargaining?

No you didn't! There's a lawyer heading the NFL Player's Union? UNREAL!

You'd have to look at the subatomic level to detect any semblance of my caring.





Or Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett diving in with the Dolphins? Or New Orleans being awarded the 2013 Super Bowl? Or NFL clubs teaming up with state lotteries for promotional purposes? Or John Madden’s retirement from broadcasting? Or …

Oh God. New Orleans got the 2013 Super Bowl? Does something like this happen every year? Would you rather they announce it at halftime of a Browns-Chargers game? How is that exciting? Did people jack themselves off in an emotional furor last January when Khartoum, Sudan was awarded the 2060 Desert Camelfucking World Championships?

Would it be more exciting if Gloria Estefan and Jimmy Buffett were the ones doing the desert camelfucking?




What a good time to catch our breath.

Your parents are lesbians.

Energy drinks: part at least 6

Yes, you saw right....14 FUCKING HOURS OF ENERGY. I saw this today at the gas station near my house for the first time. 14 motherf-ing hours. Of energy. In a bottle. Seriously, doing enough cocaine to give you 14 hours of energy can kill you. Yet there it is in liquid form, sitting right next to the God damn bananas. And there are 12 in that box...so that's 168 hours of energy! IN ONE BOX! That's 7 entire days, man! A whole week! You seriously don't have to sleep for an entire week on this stuff, according to the packaging.

Who needs that much energy? And how can a $2.99 (seriously, it was just $2.99!) shot of whatever this mix of guarana, taurine and crystal meth is really keep you up and alert for 14 hours? I might have to try it, since I am all about not ever sleeping. All sleeping does is waste time that can be otherwise spent being alive. Seriously, how much easier would life be if you had a full 24 hours in a day? I could do my laundry at like, 3 am. I'd go to the gym at like, 5 am. I might even clean something. I'd be so productive. Even though I really don't need that much energy, I still want to harness it. I would be like catching lightning with your fingertips. And hopefully without singing your pubes.

Where is this going to stop? First it was Red Bulls, which gave you wings just like Kotex. Then 5-hour energy. Than 6-hour power. Then I saw 7 hours. NOW 14. Why measure this in hours? Fuck that, man. I'm starting my own energy shot.

ONE WEEK TWEAK.




Sure, it will have a mix of herbs and spices and fetus extract and all that good stuff, but the main two energy ingredients will not be a secret to anyone...exclamation points and hawk sperm. Suck on that, Powerthirst. Gonna be more like LOSERSAUCE when One Week Tweak comes out. Seriously...you tell me a more potent energy combo than exclamation points and real hawk sperm and I will swim to Ghana and cut my balls off. The hawk semen is jacked freshly out of actual wild hawks completely against their will, which makes it twice as potent as consensually obtained hawk jizz. Seriously, with these hawks it's hand-raped or bust. Well...they don't bust in that case. That's like a reverse pun! Strong plays on words and similar creative turns of phrase are where we will obtain our exclamation points.

So put down that 14-hour fraud and pick up a 2 ounce One Week Tweak today!

Airport hot

Yeah, I done been slackin' on this website, and yinz can suck it. This was meant to go up YEARS ago (ok, last Friday).

On my trip to and from San Diego, and ESPECIALLY in my stop in Houston, I can't help but notice how....well, unattractive people in airports are. While unsuccessfully trying to set up a pre-trip J from a familiar female acquaintance, I was told that maybe I should try my luck with a cougar at the airport. Well, you know what? There really weren't many chicks at the airport that I would even allow to blow me in a janitorial closet, even if they came up to me and asked nicely.

"Hey, Vern, can I please put your penis in my mouth?"

Uhhh...uhh, well....uhh...sorry, I've got to board! Maybe next time.

AND I WOULD ALMOST NEVER TURN DOWN A FREE-J. So this is saying something.

Any chick in an airport with full control of her motor functions is pretty much "airport hot". And it's even worse at the convention I was at...which dealt with an industrial field. Convention hot? Pretty much anyone with a vagina. I've never been to prison, but I can't imagine the selection being too much worse there.

So where are all of you women that I talk to (or, at the very least, make eye contact with) in the rest of the world? DON'T YOU EVER FLY?!?!?! I swear I'll buy you a plane ticket if you just sit next to me on the plane...and jack me off underneath the blanket the stewardess gave me.

Is this legit?

Poor Earnest Byner...fumbling away the Browns chances back in the '80s during that short time period where they were actually legit.

Well, I'm back from San Diego, returning to Fort Lauderdale in all of its early summer 95-degree and humid glory, reading up on the recent flooding to befall the City of Champions, and basking in the glow of last week's Penguins championship. Ok, maybe that's an over-romanticized way to say that I got home and sat around playing video games. But regardless, I was alerted by my pal Cotter, who is always on top of all things Pittsburgh at One For the Other Thumb, that some douchesack from Cleveland was attempting to rain all over my parade. And that, my internet friends, is UNACCEPTABLE!

Ok, Cleveland douche. Let's do this.




Pittsburgh leads Cleveland, 11-0, in titles since 1964? Whoop-dee-doo!
by Mike Peticca, The Plain Dealer
Tuesday June 16, 2009, 1:33 PM

Whoop-de-do? E-fucking-gads, you renaissance retard. You don't have to write the article like it's actually 1964.




Typical of those who can't accept an occasional taste of provincial success with grace and dignity, Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette gloats that his tired city has won 11 major sports championships in the last 45 years, to none for Cleveland.

HE'S A FUCKING SPORTSWRITER. That's what sportswriters do. After one of their hometown teams wins a fucking championship, THEY WRITE ABOUT IT. And one of the city's sporting qualities is a rivalry with Cleveland. So he took some digs. Whatever. The only thing Pittsburgh is tired of is parades.

Another funny thing is that people from Cleveland keep attempting to trash Pittsburgh like their city is better in any category...one of these two cities has evolved since the '70s and diversified their economy to bring it up-to-date with and even a step ahead of most of the modern era, and the other has an economy based entirely on LeBron James. You can figure for yourself which is which.





He writes:

The celebration yesterday in honor of the Penguins was our second in 132 days, dating to the February party for the Steelers after Super Bowl XLIII. It was the third in 40-plus months, counting the parade for the Steelers after Super Bowl XL in February 2006.

Cleveland hasn't had three in 40 years.

Actually, that's factually incorrect.

Cleveland hasn't had even one in 45 years for any of its major professional sports teams.

Well, yeah, that's all true. I have illegitimate children older than my dad was 45 years ago.





Cook's boasts - prompted by the Penguins' NHL Stanley Cup victory - may have some numerical veracity, but they lack historical perspective and are, really, only half (if that) the story.

That's kind of vague. Let's see what you've got to back it up.




Steelers stealers

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH haven't seen that one in MINUTES!




Take the Steelers...please.

Pittsburgh was the worst franchise in the NFL until it hired Cleveland-born Chuck Noll as its coach. He led the Steelers to four of their first six Super Bowl championships. Keying Noll's indomitable defense was Hall of Famer Jack Lambert, a graduate of Crestwood High in Portage County and Kent State, and considered by some as the best linebacker ever.

Another player of note was Terry Bradshaw, who was born in Louisiana. Also important was Lynn Swann, a USC product. Mazech Tahl, who helped with cleaning the uniforms after games, was from Latvia.

This is retarded. No one cares where people were born...well, outside of people that live in an area that has nothing going for it. Do Pittsburghers claim that the 49ers owe much of their 1980's success to local product Joe Montana? Do they claim Marino's passing records? Are you actually suggesting, in all seriousness (or even any level of actual serious), that the Steelers actually stole people out of Ohio to lead them on their Super Bowl runs? That is retardation on the atomic level. Really. You can't get dumber than that. The stupidity of that thought could destroy a large city and give the majority of its residents radiation poisoning.





Former Browns linebacker and assistant coach Bill Cowher led Pittsburgh to its fifth Super Bowl win. Cowher, despite his accomplishments, wasn't good enough to be head coach for the Browns. Don't believe it? Former Browns owner Art Modell chose Bill Belichick over Cowher as Cleveland's new coach in 1991. Proving that the Browns' decision-makers have always known what's best, Belichick has coached three Super Bowl championship teams.


Oh my God. Please, look up "OMG" on Wikipedia. You'll see this paragraph.

Wow, Modell chose Belichick over Cowher. Good deal. Both turned out to be pretty good coaches in their own right; of course, they had to go to actual teams to do it. Interesting that the Browns would choose the coach known for cheating his way to three Super Bowls, and yet he STILL couldn't win anything in Cleveland.

But hey, the Browns have Romeo Crennel now, so it's all good.




Who's the reigning NFL defensive Player of the Year, and a linebacker on Pittsburgh's last two world champion teams? Akron's James Harrison, another former Kent State star.

Dude, get off of this tired-ass tip. Also, James Harrison had as much to do with the SB XL victory as parlando singing had to do with the success of Milli Vanilli.




What would the Steelers have been without such guys? And, all of their championships have been won since NFL games became more a dance than a brawl. After all, it was Lambert himself who famously said, "Quarterbacks should wear dresses," after he was reprimanded by the league for hitting a quarterback too hard. The Browns won all four of their titles when the game wasn't supervised like a croquet match.

So the Steelers now have to credit all of their championships to Cleveland? The Steelers wouldn't have been anywhere without a lot of different people from a multitude of places all over the country, you moron. And the same goes for ANY OTHER FUCKING THING IN LIFE THAT HAPPENS.

But, yes, point you. The Browns were AWESOME in the 1940's when the games weren't for pansies, there were 8 teams in the league, the players wore leather helmets, and Frank Sinatra was about 24.




We think Ron has really Cooked the books on this one. Cleveland has it all over Pittsburgh culturally, anyway. Do you know that Pittsburgh is so lacking in creative thinking that its football team was named the Pirates from 1933-40 (when it went 24-62-5, by the way)?

Ha! Awesome joke on Cook's name! And you have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!

Did you know that the Browns named their team after one of its coaches? And that their team sucked? And that it then moved to Baltimore and it won a Super Bowl there? And then a new team came in to replace it and it continues to suck to this day?




Pirates just been awful

The Pittsburgh Pirates' baseball team even makes the former, failed and forlorn Pittsburgh Pirates' football team look good.

Yep. The Pirates make the football team that used to suck in the FUCKING 1940'S look good by comparison.




Pittsburgh baseball has lost 318 games more than it has won since 1992. Recent Indians' teams look like the 1927 Yankees compared to the Buccos. Yes, the Pirates won the World Series in 1971 and 1979, but if they were any good lately, they would have made it to the 1995 or 1997 World Series to play the Indians, to see who really is best.


Right, the World Series' that the Indians lost to the Braves and then TO THE MARLINS. The last Indians championship occurred when JonBenét Ramsey's parents were 7.




The Pirates' inherited their ineptitude from the Pittsburgh Alleghenys, who went 23-113 in the 1890 National League pennant chase, finishing 66 1/2 games behind the first-place Brooklyn Bridegrooms and 23 games in the dust of the seventh-place Cleveland Spiders. The Alleghenys were outscored by 738 runs for the season, which even a Steel City citizen could tell you is more than one run per game.

Holy fuck, you are going back to 1890??!??!?! One of your insults is seriously that a Pittsburgh baseball team really sucked in 1890, back when the balls were made of sourdough bread and players used brooms for bats and had handlebar mustaches. Most of the chemicals that helped set Cleveland's river on fire hadn't even been created yet.

Also, we are SO much better at math than you people that it's not even worth discussing. Cleveland is still best known for being the birthplace of Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony.





Yes, in 1899, the Cleveland Spiders went 20-134, but we dare Ron Cook to find one person who can honestly say those Spiders were worse than the '90 Alleghenys.

Uh, because both of these events occurred in the 1890s? And percentage wise, that's many times worse. The winning percentages (divide wins by games played) were 16.9% for the 1890 Pittsburgh Alleghenys and 13.0% for the NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BECAUSE IT HAPPENED IN 1899.




Take Cavs over any Pitt team

What a great NBA history Pittsburgh has. Its lone NBA team, the 1946-47 Pittsburgh Ironmen (another creative name), played in the league during just its first season, when it was called the Basketball Association of America.


What's wrong with the Ironmen? Your team is named after somebody who rides a horse and fences. We can, of course, compare our spotty basketball history with your hockey history, if you'd like.




Typical of the city they represented, the Ironmen went 15-45, finishing 15 games behind the legendary Cleveland Rebels. Pittsburgh record books show that Colby Gunther is the team's all-time field goal percentage leader, hitting 33.6 percent of his shots. Some Pittsburgh fans could tell you Colby missed more than half his shots. A lot more, in fact.

The Cleveland Rebels are legendary? Ken Jennings hasn't even heard of the Cleveland Rebels.

If the Rebels were in any way indicative of the city they represented, they would have been homeless.




Penguins who?

Let's say this about hockey. Nobody had even heard of the Pittsburgh Penguins when the Cleveland Barons were winning nine Calder Cup championships between 1939 and 1964. That's when the NHL had six teams, and the Barons were commonly called the "seventh best hockey team in the world." We say they were the best. Not their fault they weren't allowed to play the Canadiens, Red Wings, etc.

Oh, so we will talk about Cleveland's hockey history, evem though it was in some minor league somewhere. One of the major reasons that nobody had heard of the Penguins at that point was due to the fact that they were FOUNDED IN 1967.

But hey, again, Cleveland apparently rocked during the Great Depression.




Ohio, 7-1

Just so Pittsburgh backers know, their city is in Pennsylvania and Cleveland is in Ohio. Despite an 89-year slump, Ohio has had seven men born in the state elected president. Pennsylvania has had one, and if you want to know how the experts rank him, look here.



Uhhh...ok. Just so people in Cleveland know, these are the lengths they have to go to if they want to feel superior to Pittsburgh in anything that people actually care about.

We've got a game 7 tonight

Oh snaps, that's right! Game 7, Pens v. Kotex Red Wings. Marian Hossa may lay on the ice like a broad AGAIN. Zetterberg likes young Vietnamese boys more than the law allows. Pavel Datsyuk knows exactly what happened to JonBenét Ramsey. Mike Babcock gives interviews like a heroin addict hurting for another hit. IT'S STANLEY CUP HOCKEY ON NBC!!!

Fortunately, I get to watch it in my house and go to sleep afterwards because I have a 6:30 am flight to San Diego tomorrow. Which is gay. Fucking great timing, Bettman...that Stanley Cup Finals are barely over before the MLB all-star break. I think the season starts again in 5 weeks with an exhibition in fucking Mongolia. There are balls to be licked, Gary, and they belong to every hockey fan on the planet. So get to lickin'.

So, expect more of the non-posting from Vern that you have become accustomed to through the next week as I rock the fuck out of another awesome work convention. And try not to lay on the ice like broads, Penguins.

Disparaging the weatherman

I always wonder why people say stuff like, "oh, they only predicted a 30% chance of rain and it's raining!" and "ha! They said it was gonna be 94 degrees and it's only 89!". "The weatherman said it's gonna rain, so you know what that means!".

Yes...it probably means that IT'S GOING TO RAIN. A 30% chance of rain means that it might rain. A 70% chance of it raining means it might not rain. You know, the guy is TELLING YOU WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN 4 DAYS. He might be a little bit off. The rain might miss you by 40 miles. Holy hell people, is that not close enough? The guy just told you within a few hours and miles where clouds that were in Oklahoma 3 days ago were going to be at today in Georgia.

You know, back in 1889, you didn't have that luxury. If it was going to be unseasonably warm on your wagon trip to Charlotte, you wouldn't know until it was too late. So you had to pack a bunch of extra stuff or be completely horse-fucked. Which probably sucked. And then if there was a hurricane? Well, you're dead. FUCKING DEAD! So people that complain about bad forecasting when a devastating hurricane changes it's course a day before landfall can suck it. You knew about this hurricane when it was 32,349 miles away in the middle of the Cocklantic Ocean! Back in 1928, you just died! YOU. JUST. DIED. So give the weatherpeople a break.

I just never got the complaining about small inaccuracies in weather forecasting, and Blogger is my podium from which to take a stand. And I'm sure that the stand I take will be far-reaching and highly effective.

Vince Wilfork is concerned about Vince Wilfork's Earth

Hey y'all, this is Patriots defensive tackle Vince Wilfork here to talk a little sense into you about the rapidly warming climate that we have been seeing in the past decade or so.

Bottom line, we need to protect Vince Wilfork's Earth.

Vince Wilfork isn't out there spraying CFCs or keeping Vince Wilfork's lights on when he isn't home, and you shouldn't be, either. This is going to be a team effort, people...Vince Wilfork can't save the planet by himself. So help Vince Wilfork out.

Think about it...this planet is the only planet Vince Wilfork has, and the same goes for you. Fucking car pool or something, ok? Have you seen how high global sea levels are rising each and every year? A shitload, that's for sure. You may think that 2 or 3 centimeters is not a big deal, but take it from Vince Wilfork, that shit is gonna catch up with us eventually. And Vince Wilfork is not about to be living underwater, so let's get our shit together, ok?

Fuckin' check this shit:

- Average temperatures have risen by 1.4 degrees Fahrenheit since the 1880's. Vince Wilfork does not like to sweat, alright?

- The rate of these temperature increases is rising itself. Take it from Vince Wilfork, this is only going to get worse if we don't address it now. Vince Wilfork can't solve a global crisis himself and he is asking for your help.

- The arctic is a good early indicator of climate change, and it's getting fucked up quickly up there. Vince Wilfork has never been to the arctic, so he needs you eskimos to get your shit together, ok?

- The arctic ice pack is thinning, and the region may have its first ice-free summer as early as 2040. Polar bears and other native creatures are suffering the ill effects of this loss of sea ice. Vince Wilfork has never seen a polar bear but he would be a little sad if they were all to disappear. Vince Wilfork is a huge Coca-Cola fan and has a tremendous respect for polar bears.

- This shit isn't good for coral reefs, as subtle temperature changes really fuck them up. Vince Wilfork attended the University of Miami and knows a coral reef when he sees one. Vince Wilfork wants to continue to see coral reefs.

- Hurricanes and other storms are getting worse with the rising ocean temperatures. Vince Wilfork does not want to see any more people dyin' and shit in hurricanes.


So there you have it, citizens of Earth. Y'all need to pick your games up and help Vince Wilfork save Vince Wilfork's planet, alright?

Argument that chaps my balls: equal penalty distributions

It's been awhile since I've posted one of these, but please...don't let that cloud your beliefs into thinking that my balls have been somewhat chap-free. Because they haven't. My balls are always chapped by life's nuances, moreso at some points than at others. But there is ALWAYS some motherf-in' chap on my balls, yo.

Today's Blistex will be applied by touching on the notion that all sporting events should have equal penalty distributions. And this has nothing to do with Pens-Red Wings, although you can make a compelling argument that penalties are only being called in a way that keeps the calls evenly distributed. We heard it during the Caps-Pens series, during the Steelers-Chargers game, during NBA games in which one team shoots a pissload of free throws compared to the other, etc etc. And motherfuckers are always all "yo dog, this shizz is fixed! Look how many more penalty minutes Edmonton had! Y'all niggaz ain't know Edmonton was mad gangsta ehhhhh?", and I'm all like "S THE F UP". They aren't supposed to be even just for the sake of being even.

But why should penalties always be even or close to it just for the sake of equal distribution? An team like the Lakers, with Kobe, is going to shoot more free throws then a team like the Magic, who thrive on kicks to open shooters. If you are taking open J's, you aren't going to get fouled. Meanwhile, going to the hole effectively and drawing help from big men who come into the lane from the side and swat at the shots is going to elicit some whistles. So why the hell do free throws have to be even?

That goes for any sport. Say an NFL team has a terrible offensive line and they go up against some good pass rushers or a team like the Stillers that has a lot of disguised LB blitzes from a 3-4 defensive set...those linemen are going to get beat quite often and be forced to hold. Same went for the Steelers O-Line...with that level of combined suck and mental errors, they are going to commit quite a few holds. So if the Steelers go up against a team with a smart, cohesive offensive line, chances are that they are going to have a penalty defecit, at least as far as holding calls go. And I've never been one to hop on the James Harrison is held every play bandwagon...he kind of is, but so are a lot of leverage rushers, and you aren't going to get too many calls when the O-lineman is holding you with his arms close to his body. Whatevs, that's beside the point. Unless a lot of those calls are going uncalled to keep penalty distribution even...in which case it is the entire point. So what I'm saying is it's either the point or not the point. This is why I don't write for legitimate sporting outfits. FUCK YOU, ESTABLISHED MEDIA! They can be completely wrong but make sense while doing so. FOR SHAME!

Anyway, hockey seems to be the worst. Probably because penalty calls have more effect in hockey than in any other major sport. In the NBA you get a one-point shot. In the NFL, you lose some yards. Baseball doesn't have them. I guess you get tossed but get a replacement. Or a balk. You give up a base. Soccer has penalties that can be killers but only if you get a red card. Anything else doesn't really matter. But in hockey, every single penalty leaves you shorthanded. That's a pretty big deal. So, people are always spouting off about the discrepancies in penalty calls. Which is fine, if you cite actual instances to back up your reasoning. But just looking at the penalty minutes served by each team does not make any point by itself. It's just lazy. What if the Milwaukee Beer-Chugging Rapists are facing off against the Rochester Hasidic Jews? Would you not expect slightly more righteous play from one of these teams over the other? The Beer-Chugging Rapists probably deserve all the penalties they rack up when they hit the Jews away from the puck and grab their jerseys and slash them with their sticks and everything along those lines, while you just know that the game of the Hasidic Jews has strong foundations in solid passing and stickhandling. So don't start to tell me that the NHL is fixed just because the Beer-Chugging Rapists got 4 more penalties called on them than the Hasidic Jews. Get that weak stuff out of here.

So if penalties are to be distributed evenly, the following must hold:


- The fuck are people thinking buying two million copies of Lil' Wayne's latest mailed-in rapping effort? Not a single person has purchased a Gunpowder Jones CD. This must be rectified.

- So Kim Kardashian is blowing Reggie Bush...well, I call next. TO RECEIVE, SICKOS.

- On a related note, if I give you one pearl necklace, I will be required to do the same to all of your friends. Pearl necklaces! It will be like you all went to Jared's! Or, well, I did. Whatever.

- I want some of Rik Smit's last contract. SPREAD THE WEALTH, RIK!

- Pac-Man Jones has a lot of making it rain to do.


That's all I've got. CURSE YOU, TYPICAL ARGUMENTS!!!

Who wants to fuck a Spelling Bee champion?

Yes, ladies. You heard me right...CHAMPION. So who wants to be deflowered as if, in the spirit of the term, I possessed the erect, sword-shapen leaves of the African gladiolis plant?

We need to abrogate this facade, this mere game that we are playing, and pursue a sexually-achieved ascetic state of existence. A state of being achieved only immediately after I strategically position a neufchatel-esque ribbon of virile ejaculate on that foulard cloth scarf of yours. You must, I implore MUST, be getting as aroused as I am just visualizing the completion of this act.

SO LET'S JUST FUCKING CONSUMMATE THE TRUE MANIFEST DESTINY OF THESE SEXUAL TENSIONS ALREADY.

God, the occurrence that you are unconscionably waiting for before allowing me to penetrate your vaginal cavity is unbeknownst to me. What in the name of the canonical words of our Lord are you awaiting that is indefinitely postponing our sexual dalliances? I MUST BE APPRISED OF THE TRUE INTENTIONS OF YOUR NEBULOUS REASONINGS! I pray to the quasars above that they are perfectly benign.

I do not possess the requisite period of unallocated time for you to continue your aimless ruminations on these thoughts. Please forgive my truculent nature, but I must receive a definitely response from you on the matter of my defiling of your female workings. I have not the time nor the physical energy to elucubrate a positive result from my advances upon you.

So either fuck me now or I'm moving on, you fucking tramp.

Ohmygod the NHL wants the Pens to win

Here's a little opinion piece from a site called "Kukla's Korner", or Abel 2 Yzerman, or whatever the hell it's called. Regardless, the article is a great way to give your eyes HIV.



It doesn’t have to be a sinister thing. There is no Deep Throat, no Jeff Gillooly, no Shoeless Joe giving in to a little fiscal temptation.

Yeah. This isn't Scott Peterson taking Lacy fishing, or brutally murdering Jon Benet Ramsey, or Rwandan genocide or anything like that.




It just boils down to this and it’s real simple: Gary Bettman does not like the Detroit Red Wing organ-I-zation and he would like Sidney Crosby to hoist the Cup.

Ok. Let's see what your evidence is.





It’s not a conspiracy, it’s just a deep burning hatred that Bettman feels for Mike Ilitch, Jimmy Devellano and Ken Holland.

Gary Bettman would piss on your Domino's pizza if he could.




And it might have something to do with the fact that he tried to adopt Crosby, dress him in footies and share Yoohoos with him most afternoons after Pens practices.

Oh my God. Your humor is about as cutting edge as the Bangladesh health care system.




That’s not true, as far as I know. I made that up.

You are kidding. You had me there! You are like the Jackie Robinson of embarrassingly bad humor.




But Bettman’s infatuation with Crosby’s success is not fiction. He vaulted him to the forefront from the beginning as the face of the NHL. He’s kept him there despite the painfully obvious fact that Crosby has the personality of a gnat and the petulance of a napless five year old.

You hear that Crosby? You need to take a fucking nap. What the fuck was the reeling NHL doing looking for superstars to promote? And what the hell is the league doing keeping the 2008 scoring champ at the forefront of their marketing machine? They should just put LeBron James in commercials.





Is Gary Bettman starting the Finals this Saturday, then continuing on Sunday for the first back-to-back since the ‘50s as an intentional means of stifling the Wings?

You have got to be kidding me. Seriously, you have got to be strapping me to a gurney and piss-waterboarding my face. Are you fucking joking? Yes, Bettman is a colossal fuckup of Manny Ramirez bitchtits-sized proportions but if you think that Bettmaster is scheduling the finals this way to intentionally spite the Red Wings then you are seriously borderline retarded. Paris Hilton has shaved off pubes smarter than this thought. He's doing it because more people watch TV on the weekends and he wants to start the series on a weekend because it will make MORE FUCKING MONEY FOR THE NHL. And layoffs are bad. And the Pens just finished their series one day before you cocktasting little dick-rollups did. Good God are you a bunch of fucking whining fake-persecution complex sealfisters.

But hey, the '50s! THAT WAS A LONG FUCKING TIME AGO! POINT!





Not that he’d ever admit and certainly no one could ever prove it.

Because it's not true. I wouldn't admit to killing Sonny Bono and you couldn't prove that, either. BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING TREE.




But he very well could have considered, going Saturday, Monday...or Sunday, Tuesday...because it would have been better for the game. But the “game” has never mattered to Bettman. His little man syndrome, his bitterness and his ego are all that matters to Tiny Gary Daddy.

Are you trying to get me with the Bettman sucks angle? Because it might work. But here, he's just kowtowing to NBC and trying to get as much weekend exposure as possible. It's about money. Just like all things. And it's Bettman's fault that Niklas Lidstrom's old ass is hurt? And don't...you know, the Penguins have to also play on back-to-back days? We should start a debate show called "Point-Infinite Fucking Counterpoints".




Oh, I know...the television thing. I get it. But if he would have gone Versus on Tuesday, Thursday and NBC on Saturday, Sunday? What’s the significant difference? A back to back in Games 3 and 4 would still allow a bit more rest for both teams at the front end of the series.

Good! But Game 1 is guaranteed to be a big draw. It always is. Think about it...the series is going to be tied before game 1, guaranteeing that it is meaningful. They want that game on Saturday. What if the Pens or Wings get up 2-0 like last year? Sure, the Pens made a series out of it with some good games, but I'd be willing to be a metric fuckload of money that Game 1 had a better rating than Game 3 last year. Game 1 was all, "young upstart Pens go into Hockeytown to face the dynastic Wings" and game 3 was all like, "Pens try not to get absolutely fuckstomped again like they did in games one and two". One of those is a better tagline to promote an event...you guess which one.





Why am I even bringing it up? Because the Red Wings defeated Chicago in five games and get two full days of rest. If they’d gone six they would have had what? 9 days? Too much. I agree. But the fact remains, they’re being penalized for winning too quickly, too efficiently?

The Pens beat the Canes in four and get 3 full days of rest. What in the name of the ghost of Joe Louis is the problem here? Switch Red Wings with Penguins and you can still make the same point. That's usually a pretty good indicator that your argument carries with it all the veracity of a Rock Hudson marriage.





Now. This. Should a commissioner give consideration to a team’s injury situation? Not publicly and certainly not officially. For fu**’s sake, he didn’t do it around the All Star Game, when who was hurt?

So your point is...what? Are you arguing against yourself?





Oh, that’s right. Datsyuk and Lidstrom.

I'm lost. Bettman should have canceled the All-Star game because Lidstrom was hurt (I see a theme here)?




But giving a team less days off for winning quickly, and thereby guaranteeing they won’t be as healthy to start the Finals as they would be with two more days rest?

Why don't we just start the thing in 2012? Lidstrom will be 41 but fully healed from his injuries and Chelios might have since died of natural causes, but it would be fair. Of course, the Pens will have had one more day to rest, so this might not work out either. Either way, BETTMAN WANTS TO RAPE ALL OF THE BABIES IN DETROIT.





Bettman despises the Wings. He hates what Holland did to sign Franzen and Zetterberg. Long term deals to circumvent his pet CBA. He despises the fact that the Wings are so popular, make the league so much money, but dictate gates and memorabilia sales...that they are bigger than he is, almost as big as the league itself. Bettman hates that Jimmy D and Mike Ilitch resisted the lockout, that they sided with their players. You think that doesn’t have a lot to do with why Detroit is favored among all NHL players?

NO! Ok, first, Bettman loves that Detroit makes the NHL money. He LOVES it. That's what his job is...get money for the NHL. Promote the league, make it popular again. If using live camels as goalies would make the NHL more popular amongst fans, Bettman would be on a camel-shopping in Mongolia TOMORROW. Secondly, players don't like Detroit because they resisted the lockout. They like Detriot BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME AT HOCKEY. Good hockey players want to go to Detroit because Detroit is the home of a team that is good at hockey. They win a lot of hockey games. Do you think Hossa went to Detroit because the owners did something during the lockout? Hossa doesn't even know what the word "lockout" means. He went there because he thought they had the best chance to win hockey matches.




There is no way the Final should start on Saturday, and go straight to Game 2 the next day. No one does that. It hasn’t happened in nearly fifty years. But, coincidentally, here we are. Detroit has six (potentially seven with Hossa) injuries. Lidstrom, Datsyuk, Draper, Ericsson, Lilja, Kopecky. Three of those players would be the number 1 or 2 guy at their position on any team in the NHL. That’s right. Any team. And, yes...coincidentally...there is a remarkably short turnaround, followed by a game 24 hours later.

Yes. When are all of the Red Wings going to be healthy? That's when the series should start. Bettman fucking loves the Pens, which is exactly why he didn't suspend Ovechkin for the cheapish hit he put on Sergei Gonchar in the Conference Semis. But seriously, let's get to your main point...DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG AGO 50 YEARS WAS!

Why doesn't Bettman just play all of the games on the same day in Mario Lemieux's backyard if he loves drinking Cherokee Reds with Malkin so much?





Gary Bettman is so beholden to NBC, so deep in their pocket, that he has absolutely no ground to stand on. That’s the public answer and it’s the one league officials will probably whisper when pressed. But what they will never admit, and what drives Bettman from time to time, and what affects his decision making and has for years, is this…

You so get this. That's what the worst part is. You get this. But yet...





...the little bastard hates him some Red Wings.

You have to keep coming back to this just so you have something to get all fired up about and stroke your God damn undeserved little man complex.

I HATE THIS. I've gone on about it at length. Everybody just wants to feel disrespected and feel that the odds are stacked against them and yada yada yada. FUCK. THAT. The Penguins and Red Wings are going to get over it and play actual hockey games. They aren't going to try and out-no-respect each other. The Wings are fucking stacked, so the fans have to go to great lengths to muster up enough disrespect fuel to get them pumped up for the Finals. And that is just stupid and dare I say, gay. If that idea had a penis it would touch other penises with it. That idea frots.





It’s not a conspiracy. It’s just a little man who’s held an important job for too long.

It's almost like he got it 50 YEARS AGO! OMFG!!!!!!!

Fuck off, Red Wings. Fuck you, fuck your city, fuck your fans, fuck your kid's friends, fuck your cars, fuck everything about you that can be fucked. There. Is that enough disrespect for you?

I can't wait until Hossa lays on the ice like a broad AGAIN after this series.

Disrespecting the Red Wings

Detroit, currently fighting a rampant epidemic that has covered the area in AIDS. Even the lakes have AIDS. The situation appears far from being under control as a virulent strain of Canadian AIDS has appeared in recent months.


By now, if you read these, you know my feelings on disrespect. Notably the belief that fans and writers and even opposing players and ANYONE can disrespect a team without said team getting some gay intangible performance boost from the fuel of this disrespect. So, with that having been typed, I am going to douse the Red Wings in a golden shower of unabashed disrespect.




YOU! Coach Mike Babcock! Stop looking at me like I'm a 10-year-old Thai boy, you cocktaster. I don't know what kind of atmosphere you promote over there in AIDStown to get players to take lesser contracts in order to join or stay, but I can only assume it involves more reacharounds than wraparounds. And probably a good bit of glory holes as well. I hope Hossa's balls taste Czech enough for you, Pube Waddell.




And of course you, Benedict Hossa. Taking the slight discount and one-year contract to play for the Wings because they had the best chance to win the Cup, you said. Well all it has gotten you now is the best chance to get AIDS. Remember the playoffs last year when you had like, 2 good games? You Slovak cockhoarder. Here's to you laying on the ice and crying for the second time. You are like the NHL's Nancy Kerrigan!




Valtteri Filppula, pushing a grocery cart full of strawberry douche and doing what he does best...looking gay enough to pounce on the nearest cock, which is just what all Red Wings fans would be doing if they weren't busy blowing the overrated ghost of Steve Yzerman's legacy. Valterri Filppula epitomizes the term 'd-bag'. He oozes Finnish vaginal cream. Really, this homo by himself is enough to make Henry Ford himself hate the fucking Red Wings.




Ooooohhh, Niklas Lidstrom. Ohhh, I'm so old. OMG, I'm Swedish but can speak good English. I'm so good at hockey. Oh my God, my jersey C has a cock in it. YEAH WELL FUCK YOU LIDSTROM. You can't even spell your first name right. Niklas? Who do you think you are, Valtteri Filppula? At least he comes from a land of magical pube castles and jizz luges...what the hell is your excuse? You are such a Red Wing. Carrying Yzerman's legacy forward. Who cares...you think that's going to keep me from disrespecting you? I don't care how likable you may be, you can like some Malkin balls right on your eyes, you dripping triple-layer vagina cake. Fuck you and the little Swedish town you came from (which turns out to be a small village by the name of Västerås which has a population of 107,500 like-minded Swedish assbreathers).


And there are so many more, be it Kronwall or Chelios (holy f, he's 47) or Osgood or Franzen or Datsyuk or whoever. I wouldn't even consider Conklin a traitor because he didn't really have much choice but fuck him, too. Why? BECAUSE FUCK THE RED WINGS, that's why. Fuck all of them. I hate these commie looking taintslammers. The Penguins are going to beat the fuck out of these homos and they can write it on their bulletin board. "Random blogger disrespects the fuck out of the Red Wings". Great. Put it up. Fuck all of you. And I certainly have enough disrespect to go around that I could accomplish that. Homos.

Mike Vick

So, Vick's back on the streets now (well, at least on house arrest and out of prison), and all I hear are cries of "omg he's so lucky he's in sports, if I did that I wouldn't be able to go back to my job, ohhhhh woe is fucking me", etc.

And you know what? Every time I hear it, it makes me want to build my own personal dog rapestand.

Vick IS NOT going back to his employer. He's not going back to the Falcons. The Falcons are his employer...football is just his profession. For example, let's say you are accountant. But not just a normal accountant...so don't remind me that "if Jaguars OT Tony Pashos was in jail for two years on dog fighting charges, he wouldn't be accepted back into football!". Of course not...he's decent, but nothing special in the NFL. Just like you are at your accounting job. Sure, you do ok with the payroll, but anybody off the street with an accounting degree and lack of interstate gambling charges on their record can do the same.

But say you were the most electrifying accountant in the game. You debited and credited like nobody's fucking business. People actually paid to watch you fill in a general ledger. And then you start your dog-fighting ring, and your company gets rid of you.

After you've served your time, can you expect the company to get rid of you? Possibly.

But what's to stop you from going to a new accounting firm and getting a job? If anything, the fame and structure of professional sports HURTS Vick...it doesn't help him. If you are a janitor and get a DUI and get fired from your job, you can go janitor it up somewhere else with no fanfare. Vick can't do that. You think that a janitor who gets fired in Atlanta is going to face a public relations backlash if he applies for a job in Minnesota? Absolutely not, bitches.

So shut the f up with that argument.

My roof is made out of metal

Yes, that’s right…my car’s roof is made out of metal. Of some sort. Whatever cars are made out of. So I guess my roof is made out of car. AND THAT SUCKS.

See, last year I had this sweet deal on a convertible and, while the typical Florida weather hovers around hot as balls with spot torrential rainstorms, I still pretty much de-roofed it every day. And yeah, I’d blast the gangster stuff, because that’s just who I am. Young Jeezy can get a sweet ass deal on coke, or so he says, and I can identify with that. I used to cop bricks by the kilo as well…you know, back when I was trying to find ways to improve my knowledge of the metric system. Mad grams up in this hizzy, yo. But it wouldn’t even matter what it was…I was a superstar in that whip. I could drive by just blasting Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” and people would look over all like, “oh snap look at that gangsta mothafuckkkaaaaaa!!!” and I’d just be rocking out like “HEARTACHE TO HEARTACHE WE STAND, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!”…oh, those were the days.

But now, now that I have a regular whip, things just aren’t as cool anymore. This car actually probably has better speaks than the old whip, as the dude that used to own it must have shared a similar affinity for pumping the ol’ bass. But…I have child-safety windows in the back. I realized that today when I was playing my current jam (Rich Boy - Drop – get used to it, you will probably be sick of it by fall), that, you know, this just isn’t gangster. MY WINDOWS DON’T EVEN GO ALL THE WAY DOWN! That is NOT gangster. That is the opposite of gangster…that is accounting. I’m rollin’down 441 with my speaks going nuts, “drop….drop….” and motherfurnaces are all staring like, “look at this accountant…that accountant ain’t gangster”. And I have to look out the window and yell that “I AM NOT A FUCKING ACCOUNTANT!”. Gay.

So, fuck you, Audi. You know damn well that car wasn’t worth $28,000, and I hope you never sell it. I also hope it gets AIDS. Good luck selling a car with AIDS, cocksicles.

Vern's chick mag

I was discussing some chickmag related issues with a friend recently, as she looked to me (as you all should) for the proper reaction from the male-perspective to some of the asinine claims made by this magazine, such as, "omg, if you have too many pillows on your bed, a man will be scared away!!1". No. Fuck that. I'm more concerned about the pillows on your chest than the pillows on your bed, unless of course you are using those pillows to store heroin or something.

So, I decided to write my own magazine for women that explains how to pursue men and gives tips and tricks and subtle nuances and whatthefuckever else that would go in one of these gay mags. And so I'm going to print an excerpt from the first issue here.


--------------------------------------

So, you want to have sexual intercourse with that dude in the corner because you are a dirty little tramp but first, you have to get his attention, right? And you can't come off as a whore because then he won't respect you enough to actually defile you. So you talk to your friends and they ask you to go up to him and see what he likes to start talking about that, right?

Well, the first thing to realize here is that your friends are probably uninteresting as fuck and blowing the first person that leaves the bathroom door unlocked when they are pissing in your sink. I don't want to talk to you right away to get to know you...I don't even care what your name is. We can do that later. I really just want to send my penis as an ambassador to talk to your vagina, and I'd like to get that taken care of in relatively short order. I don't have all fucking night and there are certainly drunker, more willing people than you in attendance...so stop wasting my God damn time.

If you really want to let me know that you are interested, come up and touch my balls. Just touch them. I'm not going to stop you. It's going to quickly convey the image of someone who wants to place their mouth all over my penis, and, you know what? That's hot. Oh, talk about sports, omg, NO. That's not fucking hot. Act shy, NO. That's not hot, either. Hot is you touching my penis with your mouth. That look is fucking IN this year. So let's work towards that.

OMG, he's not going to want a woman without a fucking job! Act like a God damned professional, woman!

Again, no. I don't care. I'm just trying to ejaculate tonight, and I can't pull out and shoot it all over your aspirations. Maybe those magazines are right and I'm not going to want to marry someone who doesn't have their life together. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING MARRY YOU TONIGHT, CHICK. Do you think my penis cares that you have a job interview next week? No. The only job interview it wants to put you through is preceded by the word "blow". And if I don't think you are the type of person I want to date, no amount of special tricks and suggestions are going to change my mind. Now, if you can suck the DNA out of a strand of hair, maybe we can talk.


OMG! I have too many pillows on my bed! This magazine is brought to you by the acronym OMG!

WHAT? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. And this was actually printed, in words, in English, in a God damned dating/fucking/chick gossip/whatever magazine. The absolute LAST thing I'm doing if I'm in some chick's room is counting her damn pillows. What do extra pillows signify? Who the fuck knows? What is this, an Edgar Allen Poe poem in 11th grade English class? THE CLOSED DOOR ON PAGE 47 SIGNIFIES DEATH!!! WT-fucking-F. The important thing here is that if you touch my penis, I'm going to like you at least until you stop touching it. And really, that's all you can guarantee. Will I think you are a whore? Who cares? Does it matter? If so, I fucking LOVE whores. I want to meet nothing but the whoriest whores that have ever whored and I want to do nothing but have them whore all over me. The only thing to worry about if you have frilly pillows is their washability, because I'm probably going to skeet skeet skeet all over them. Birth control + pulling out is probably 99.9999999% effective...it has to be. I'll bet that's been calculated similarly. So move your fancy pillows if you don't want to have to dry clean them tomorrow.

Have you sluts figured this out yet? Save your money on those stupid ass magazines and just touch my penis. I, and I imagine most other men, have the following three standards for all of their one-time hookups:

- They have to have a pulse
- They have to be willing
- They have to weigh less than me

That's about it. Redeeming features are nice, you know, nice tits, cute face, whatever. But willingness supersedes that. And if you are worried that some dude won't see you as girlfriend material because you are such a fucking whore? Don't be. Fuck that. If you don't touch my penis, I'm done with you. If I do want to keep you around, I'm going to regardless of how quickly you got naked. There is one thing in common with all of my past gf-type women...they all touched my cock IMMEDIATELY. For one of them, I had to look at the start menu on her computer after she passed JUST TO FIGURE OUT HER FUCKING NAME. A woman's proclivity to immediately touch my penis is not what I judge her dateworthiness upon. That is based more so upon her ACTUAL QUALITIES, you stupid fucking tabloid magazines.

So do the above. If you see Vern out somewhere and you want to get to know him a little better, just walk up and start stroking his wang.

As long as it doesn't stay flaccid, you've probably found something to do that night.