Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I feel like it's still bitches that owe me sex.

Get your groove on, Emmitt.

Actually, since it was Emmitt, he probably went with "I feel like it's just winning that only texts".

Cut those damn pubes off of your head, Kornheiser

There are unfortunately no pictures that do the opposite of justice to Tony Kornheiser's epileptic seizure of a hairstyle that he debuted yesterday on Monday Night Football as the Ravens stopped the run but still lost to Jeff Reed. As you may have been aware, the referees were wearing their breast cancer awareness ribbons and wristbands, but apparently Tony decided to take it one step further and actually get chemotherapy.

Do they not have anybody on the set to ask him what the fuck he was thinking? He had shortly buzzed hair on the parts of his head that still have hair except for the very back, an area covered by long hairs that were sparse but fluffy, like an omelet made out of Jewish pubes. Maybe he was bringing in the New Year, who knows.

Regardless, we cannot be the only group of people who wondered what the hell he was thinking. Was this thing only visible in high-def? WHY ARE THERE NO PICTURES ON THE DAMN INTERNET!!!! This is what the Gores were invented for! If only somebody would hit me up on my McCain with an image, that would be great. This image must be preserved for future civilizations.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Freepers doing their thing

Free Republic purports to have a no-racism policy, but I guess the racial engineer fell asleep at the controls today.

I mean...holy f***ing s***. This is....wow. I have no words. I am without things to type. I prefer my racism to be funny, but this isn't a joke.

Working for Gene

Much respects to my homey Gene Upshaw from the office today.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

hey ray this is rashard im gunna run all ovr yr d


u herd me im havin a big game on mnf


FWD: omg bart look at what rashard mendenhall sed about yr d


no way this cat crazy i gotta show ray


do he know who we is?


he dont know who we is ray we the ravens wooo woooo wooo


wooooooo woooooooo wooooooooooooooo


wooooo im gonna kill him even though ill probably be outta position and

(RE: wooooo - Your message was split into two messages due to exceeding the character limit.)

miss the tackle anyway


im so gonna jump on the pile after suggs makes the tackle


this bulletin board man we fired up now we gonna shut the run down


remember last yr when we lost 38-7 but still shut down the run


winnings not important just shutting down the run baby wooooooo


woooooooooooo gods lb baby im fired up now to get sealed off by the first block


if i see hines im gonna kill him


when we get on the field im gonna stab mendenhall


this rookie done got us all fired up to say stuff to the media


he has no idea how gud we use to be 5 yrs ago


we were so gud back then


lets dance woooooooooooo


wooooooooooooo wooooooooooooooo


im putting this all over the bulletin bord right now


we r gonna be so fired up when we get on the field


im gonna hide a knife in my bible and bring it on the field


i cant wait till you stab rashard mendenhall on national tv


ill still probs get away with it woooooooooo


woooooooooooooooooooo woooo woooooooooooooo

Friday, September 26, 2008

You lay on the road like a broad. And then you get killed by an Acura.

That there, folks, is the most fucked up image in the world. A map of Florida. Good old Florida. The gayest hick state in the country. The land that time just ignored. And a terrible place to lay on the road like a broad.

Seriously...what the hell? And all in the Tampa area, which is like taking Miami and Jacksonville and crossing them together in the most fucked up way imaginable. God created Tampa on the 26th day after waking up with a vicious hangover and having to be at work in 10 minutes. And all within a month of each other, as well. Which means that it's probably not over yet. Bad things tend to come in threes...what do retarded things come in? Should I feel bad that I am making fun of some dead guys? Of course, they did decide to lay in the middle of the interstate like broads, so I guess my behavior can be excused.

Regardless, don't lay in the middle of the road. Even if you don't do it like a broad.

Chain Emails!!!!

My fave! I love these. A friend of mine just received one that he had to share, and of course, it's pro-Johnny Mac (actually, it's just anti-Obama). Also a tad bit racist, but hey, racism can be fun. So I'll allow it.


Jack Wheeler is a brilliant man who was the author of Reagan's
strategy to break the back of the Soviet Union with the star wars race
and expose their inner weakness.
For years he wrote a weekly intelligence update that was extremely
interesting and well structured and informed. He
consults(ed) with several mega corporations on global trends and the
future, etc. I think he is in semi-retirement now.
He is a true patriot with a no-nonsense approach to everything. He is
also a somewhat well known mountain climber and adventurer.

Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler

The O-man, Barack Hussein Obama, is an eloquently tailored empty
No resume, no accomplishments, no experience, no original ideas, no
understanding of how the economy works, no understanding of how the
world works, nothing but abstract empty rhetoric devoid of real

He has no real identity. He is half-white, which he rejects. The rest
of him is mostly Arab, which he hides but is disclosed by his
non-African Arabic surname and his Arabic first and middle names as a
way to triply proclaim his Arabic parentage to people in Kenya . Only
a small part of him is African Black from his Luo grandmother, which
he pretends he is exclusively.

What he isn't, not a genetic drop of, is 'African-American,' the
descendant of enslaved Africans brought to America chained in slave
ships. He hasn't a single ancestor who was a slave. Instead, his Arab
ancestors were slave owners. Slave-trading was the main Arab business
in East Africa for centuries until the British ended it.

Let that sink in: Obama is not the descendant of slaves, he is the
descendant of slave owners. Thus he makes the perfect Liberal Messiah.

It's something Hillary doesn't understand - how some complete
came out of the blue and stole the Dem nomination from her.
Obamamania is beyond politics and reason. It is a true religious
cult, whose adherents reject Christianity yet still believe in
Original Sin, transferring it from the evil of being human to the evil
of being white.

Thus Obama has become the white liberals' Christ, offering absolution
from the Sin of Being White. There is no reason or logic behind it, no
faults or flaws of his can diminish it, no arguments Hillary could
make of any kind can be effective against it. The absurdity of
Hypocrisy Clothed In Human Flesh being their Savior is all the more
cause for liberals to worship him: Credo quia absurdum, I believe it
because it is absurd.

Thank heavens that the voting majority of Americans remain Christian
and are in no desperate need of a phony savior.
His candidacy is ridiculous and should not be taken seriously by any
thinking American.


Thank you, Captain Jack Wheeler! Doctor Wheeler! Drrrrrrrwheelerrrrr!

Obama is my Christ. Obama is OUR Christ, which means we must capitalize He when referring to Him! YAY! Captain Jack has really enlightened my light bulbs. And so, I must share with you this, dictated by a friend of mine through a social worker. His name is Gunpowder Jones, and you can experience his hot fire at his website.


Professor Gunpowder Jones is an intelligent man. He is the driving force behind one of the largest bear safety programs in the country and also helped popularize the use of the acronym 'OMG' amongst the lesbian community. But if there's one thing he enjoys more than acting to benefit the lesbian community, it's buttered toast. He wrote the following piece on John McCain while eating two delicious pieces of buttered toast.

Dictated by Gunpowder Jones through a social worker

John McCain claims to put country first. He claims to have suspended his campaign in the interest of living up to that mantra. He also claims to have not put his old, wrinkled penis in the cup of coffee that you are currently drinking. However, John McCain's penis is covered in coffee stains. This holds true to other aspects of his life as well. How can John McCain claim to be pulling this stunt in the interests of fixing the economy, while at the same time claiming to not rape kittens? Well-known kitten raper John McCain cannot have it both ways, i.e. he cannot have his cake and eat it too, i.e. he cannot share needles without getting HIV. And John McCain has the HIV like Barack Obama has magical negro powers. And trust me, Barack Obama has magical negro powers. Behold...

John McCain claims to have spend 4 years in a prison camp. But what are "years"? Are they, say, the time period in which 365 days have elapsed on the Gregorian calendar? Or are they an arbitrary time period that John McCain created while balls deep in an unwilling kitten? Not only did John McCain rape this kitten, he also kittenborted the kitten's kittens. So what does this mean? Nothing, if you claim to love the Lord as much as you claim to. But do you? Would the Lord put you in a prison camp if you were praying like a rockstar? Surely, the Lord would find it in his heart. To forgive. You. And me. And for this we are thankful, and we pray.

Regardless of Barack Obama's being a slave, we can all agree on one point, as we eat delicious buttered toast. John McCain would be a terrible slave. John McCain would need more rest than an alcoholic with mono. John McCain would not enhance the yield of your crops. John McCain would actually decrease this yield, as he gets progressively more old and tired and starts to actually eat your crops while sitting on other crops that are dying under his weight and aura. And let there be no doubt, John McCain's aura contains pure chlorine gas. And chlorine gas is very quick to react and kill, and we know this because we learned in school that the Lord made it this way. And John McCain's chlorine aura cloud will certainly destroy your crops. Ever have dead corn on the cob? On the dead, gloomy, lifeless cob? No? Try eating a handful of staples. Now multiply that by the square root of sin. Happy now?

John McCain has not only become the scourge of our crops, and of our lesbians and kittens, but also of our democracy, and it's principles, and everything it stands for, and everything that makes it special. John McCain will suck the specialness out of our democracy leaving nothing but shriveled up remnants that look like pineapples with SARS. As John McCain breathes in the air of our democracy, and with it the prosperity, hope, and pride that it contains, and exhales nothing but pure anthrax, our country and it's peoples are gradually worn down into shells of their former shells of their former selves. That's two tiers of shell. Two generations of shells. To get an idea of the importance of that, punch yourself in the face with a shovel and try to remember the lyrics to Christina Aguilera's "Genie in a Bottle". You simply cannot. And your face is bleeding. Who's going to replace this lost blood? Surely not John McCain. His veins are full of nothing but laundry detergent.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Let's put the dicks down until we solve this financial crisis

Friends, constituents, fellow Floridians...we are in the midst of one of the most severe economic crises to hit this great nation since the infamous Great Depression of the 1930s. A depression so great that it wore on us for 10 long years, our people subsiding only through food rationing, the war effort, and, of course, the abundance of dick to suck during those long, hungry nights. We once again face a similar economic crisis, and I must encourage, nay urge you...please, let's put the dicks down until we straighten this thing out.

I applaud my friend John McCain's decision to halt his campaign in order to get this thing under control and restore our financial system to its rightful position at the top of the world economy. I am pledging a similar resolve to you, my constituency...I will be putting the dicks down and returning to Tallahassee to do my part for our state and our nation in this time of need. Until this bill is passed, I will not suck a single dick, I will not give out any handjobs, and I will most certainly not be gargling anybody's balls in the back of any of the establishments that I frequent nightly. Right now, the elected leaders in these United States must lead not by words, but by example. We must lead with our effort and with the interest of the people in mind. And we must certainly put down the dicks until we are finished.

Friends, do not for a second think that I am giving up the dick for good. After this situation is ameliorated, I promise you, I will jump on your dicks like a cheetah pouncing on a wounded gazelle. I swear, I will eat your dicks up like a stoner that just found some leftover pizza. I will suck every dick in this state, this much you can stake your life on. If Wall Street offers Charlie Crist suck-your-dick futures after this is all said and done, trust me, gentlemen, you can put your entire life savings on it with confidence. Accuweather may have screwed up the Ike forecasting, but I guaran-damn-tee you that the track for Hurricane Charlie is going straight for your shaft at Category 5 strength. However, at this time I must direct all of my energy towards the proposed bailout.

So please, I beg of you, put the dicks down for a few days. Check into your financial situation and try to learn exactly what is going on and what you as a hard-working American can do to protect yourself and your family. Email your local congressman and tell him to put the dick down as well. Tell him to lead by example. Tell him that after the bailout plan is finalized, you fully expect him to seek out dicks like John Edwards seeks out thousand-dollar haircuts. But in the meantime, urge him to fulfill the duty to the citizens of his district that he was elected to fulfill. And after this is all taken care of, after we get back out there and start sucking our first post-crisis dick, we can feel good about it. We can know deep down in our hearts that we have earned this dick. That we deserve this dick. And really, you and I know that there is no better feeling in the world.

So join me, fellow Floridians. Let's put the dicks down and get to work!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Clay Aiken loves the cock

I can't believe it. I AM STUNNED! I have put on stunner shades to show just how stunned I am right now. That crooning cocklover Clay Aiken actually DOES enjoy the cock and all that it stands for! What are you going to tell me next, that Tupac is really dead and not living on an Indian reserve in Montana?

I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, Clay, but Pat Robertson is going to be PISSED. The next destructive hurricane is on you, Gaiken. I hope you can sleep at night. With a man, probably.

Monday, September 22, 2008

It looks like Harrison is going to run at me on this play


I hope Colon picks him up.


Wow, living the dream. I still can't believe I'm in the NFL! This is unbelieveable! Somebody pinch me. I have to be dreaming! Kemo, I'm dreaming, right?




Oh, he's coming right for me, isn't he.




Why are his legs so white? Oh well. He'll be here in a few minutes. I should block him.







*backpedals to the outside, Harrison cuts inside...Colon whiffs on block*

Oh darn, I didn't even get a hand on him! Heavens, Ben might get tackled!


Come on, Santonio Hines and Heath, hurry up and run trip curls to the exact same spot on the field! GOD DAMN IT WILLIE, YOU HAD TO GET HARRISON! HE'S COMING RIGHT FOR ME!




He's still coming right for me!








I had better do something!

*steps up into sack*


*hurts important throwing component*



Yeah, let's run that one again.


....damn it. Alright, you heard the man. Willie, you gotta pick up the blitzer this time, ok?


Oh my God, I can't believe I'm breaking an actual NFL huddle! And walking up to the line of scrimmage in an NFL game! OMG, this is so cool!