Monday, September 8, 2008

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Jolt Five-O

NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. Today's choice has been around for awhile...Jolt. But which Jolt, you ask? Oh, just Jolt Five-O, a mix of ENERGY + JUICE, as it says on the can

I got the Jolt, made sure it wasn't "energy soda", and went in to work. Energy AND juice? This has to taste good. It's going to taste like orange juice mixed with lightning bolts. Or grape juice mixed with Tae-Bo. At least this is what I had convinced myself it turned out, I couldn't have been more wrong. Right from the first sip I knew that this was going to be hard to finish. Imagine mixing piss and ballsweat, mixing some Publix brand orange juice in it, and allowing it to sit for two weeks and go stale. Now imagine that it came in an ornate orange can. You pretty much have Jolt Energy Jizz right there.

Jolt is still confident in their product, however. From the back of the can, under a section that encourages you to "Ride all day, rage all night":

Want the goodness of juice without looking like a fruit lovin' hippie?

Fuck yeah, Jolt! I hate being labeled as a fruit lovin' hippie because I like to drink juice in the mornings. You fucking fruitginas are ruining our country, which was founded in 1780-something in a backroom at a strip joint while George Washington ate three entire hams. Plus one, Jolt.

We had the crew at MONSTER ENERGY make us the most innovative energy drink ever. We took our original Lost Energy flavor, mixed in 50% real juice, and topped it off with a full load of our energy blend that is perfect any time of day or night.

Yeah, I have nothing to base this on, but I bet your original flavor tastes like an ass jihad. And if this is what passes for top-notch innovation in the energy drink industry, they could really use a Nikolai Tesla or a Bill Veeck type to call their own. Look at me, as I place a full load of applesauce into my corn-on-the-cob flavored energy drink to create a mix of corn, applesauce, and sugary energy crystals that I like to call WIN SAUCE. You can find it on interstate corners where homeless people beg you to take it from them as they try to give it away.

Lost Five-O, finally a positive influence from Lost Enterprises. Tastes great, mixes better.

Did they just come out and say "finally we did something good"? Who the hell is in charge of marketing there, a casette recording of Rodney Dangerfield? And it tastes great, but mixes better. With what? Are they encouraging me to order a Five-O and vodka? If I actually drank that gay ass stuff, I certainly wouldn't get it mixed with this juicy partial-birth abortion of an energy drink. I can't believe I drank this whole can.

So there you have it, a new energy drink to avoid. I'm starting to shake, and while I am wide awake right now, I contribute that in large part due to the vitriol I have against this terrible drink and the intensity of this tirade. Fuck you, Lost Enterprises.

1 comment:

Rage said...

Goddamn Vern you are a public fucking menace. I laughed so hard I was spewing coffee(the ORIGINAL energy drink) all over the place. Dude, I got tears from that knowledge-dropping. Holy shit!