Thursday, September 4, 2008

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Unbound

NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. And today, that brought me to try this stuff I had never seen before...UNBOUND.

Look at that can. A large, dark grey can with a U surrounded by flaming gears staring me in the face. It just screamed violent goth energy. It looked like the complete opposite of a depressive emo drink ("Funeral Juice", coming to a store near you!). So fuck it, I'll get some of this stuff. And it was only $1.69! Wow. So let's get it to the plastic wild western office and sample this foreign liquid.

And let me tell you, there is a reason this stuff was so cheap. It tasted like stale gingerale and dick. And since I've never tasted dick, I'll just link to an expert. I am nonetheless confident in my prediction that you would notice the same taste if you left some gingerale out for four days, mixed it around for 10 minutes with your penis, and then chugged it. Was I tired today? Yes I was. Do I feel awake now? Yep. However, I slept in a bit today, so that might be the reason for my current feelings. But I'm still going to credit Unbound with waking me up a bit, while at the same time not giving me the Red Bull shakes. So you go, Unbound, even though you taste like Pau Gasol's ballsweat. But at least the glass of ballsweat is half-full.

Oh, and fuck coffee.

EDIT: I've got the shakes now, about 2 hours later. Fuck you too, Unbound.


AndSheWas said...


If I start getting emails from horny perverts, I'll be forced to retaliate against you.

Vern said...

Don't lie, you laughed and you know it.