Thursday, September 11, 2008

Freepers...and Jesusland

I usually try not to get too political, because really, it takes away from stuff that we can all agree on, like the benefits of mass manatee rapings. But, as some right-wing types may derive pleasure from reading some of the moronic ramblings on sites like the DailyKos, I get my kicks by reading the (many times more idiotic, in my opinion) views of our fringe lunatics over at the Free Republic.

For those of you who don't know and who don't want to suffer irreversible damage to the logic centers of you brain by checking it out for yourselves, the Free Republic is a website that apparently was founded to protect good, hard-working Amurricans from us liberal or even moderate (with the way things are now) heathens who hate the troops and think terrorists are teh rox0r. Recently, I was reading an article there about the opinion of Lynda Carter, who played Wonder Woman in the '70s or something, on Sarah Palin, who has been called a Wonder Woman because she grills moose, puts it between bread, and heroically eats it, which has apparently become the number one qualification for vice presidency.

Well, Lynda Carter took offense to it because she doesn't agree with ridiculous religious fundamentalism and apparently anti-abortion views and stuff like that. I guess she believes that only God can judge you, not Bill Frist. Maybe she's biased, maybe she's legitimately upset, whatever. Well, the Freepers hammered her in the comments section, as they are prone to do. Ignoring the fact that a Freeper would do anything that a Republican waving an American flag would tell them to do, hence their parroted support of Georgia (the country, not the state that most of them live in) even though most of them probably have no idea why, it still scares me that these people are alive and well. While waterboarding myself by reading the comments, I came across this awesome one that set the ignorance bar so high that Javier Sotomayor couldn't clear it if you gave him enough coke to rebuild the Miami skyline:

"Someone should compare the quality of life in Wasilla, Alaska with the community that Obama organized. I wonder where there are better schools and lower crime?"

Let me repeat that in italic bolded bright green text for emphasis:

Someone should compare the quality of life in Wasilla, Alaska with the community that Obama organized. I wonder where there are better schools and lower crime?

Things like this cause reasonable people to lose any respect they may have inexplicably had for your opinions. Did you just compare the crime in Wasilla, Alaska to THE FUCKING HOOD IN THE SOUTH SIDE OF CHI-FUCKING-CAGO?!?!?! Damn. You can't use an interrobang on Blogger.

Oh, God. So, let's look at the crime in Wasilla, Alaska, while ignoring Chicago because, well, let's face it, some stuff goes down there. I'm not trying to disprove that. From a site with this kind of data:

"Wasilla's property crime levels tend to be much higher than Alaska's average level. The same data shows violent crime levels in Wasilla tend to be much higher than Alaska's average level."

Sounds like a more reasonable comparison, no? Not to get into the history of Sarah Palin running their economy into the ground or anything, because I don't have the time or, admittedly, the sufficient knowledge to do so, but shouldn't this data kind of suggest that citing this wasn't the best way to make a point? It did take me 10 seconds on Google to figure it out. Of course, the fact that the point was to compare the crime situations in a small town in Alaska to that in Cabrini Green kind of suggests that it wouldn't have mattered much anyway. You go, Wonder Woman.

Of course, my opinions can easily be dismissed, as I am obviously a crack-smoking homeless liberal on welfare who won't lift himself up by his bootstraps and make something of myself. And, as I am about to be kicked out of the library for going over my free internet time, I need to hurry up here.

Let's try Jesusland.

You hardcore fundamentalists can have your own little country, where you can implement all of your retarded economic policies that are so much more Democratic than the economics of actual Democrats and have just completely skull-fucked our economy into continuing worldwide irrelevance. The dollar is weaker than the fucking Kenyan Assrupee right now. And, more importantly, you can control the two election issues that really matter to you...abortion and gay marriage! Ain't gonna be no gays marrying in Jesusland! And no abortions! And you guys can lap it up when your government (who will be chosen by divine selection) tells you about all the tax cuts you are getting while they actually raise your taxes in a way that goes against everything they say about conservatism and limited government. Meanwhile, they will take all of their daughters across the border to the U.S. of C to get RU-486 when they get knocked up by one of the 17-year old kids who can't stand to actually live with these policies that y'all verbally promote.

Really, conservatism is an economic policy and this ain't it. Conservatism is not "give the rich tax cuts and hope they get you back into office". Conservatism is not "let the free-market do it's work unless the lobbyists are hooking us up". Much of the current day conservative leadership is not conservative in the real sense of the word. Government is balls-deep in the market and in the rest of our lives right now, fellas. And plus, we need taxes. As my boy Maine (also Assman at the AofG) so eloquently puts it:

"People who complain that the government doesn't ever have the right to tax them must never ever drive on a paved road again. Oh, and if they buy beef that isn't tainted by comically deadly poison or walk down the street without being assaulted by an invading army, they have to punch themselves in the stomach, give the government ten dollars and manage to go to a Jiffy Lube without complaining about all the young hooligans with tattoos on their faces. You think all this freedom pays for itself, cowboy?"

So if you don't want to be taxed, quit driving on the fucking roads. And in fact, quit supporting the Iraq War, because that's how we are paying for it. And quit putting your garbage on the side of the road expecting some municipal truck to come and pick it up. Don't complain about taxes unless you can point to a specific example of an unnecessary tax or explain exactly why one particular tax is too high. And if you can't, every time you say "they are gonna tax us broke!" without having one clue what you are talking about, you get punched in the face. And while I may be a pompous French-sympathizing weak Canadian-wannabe, I can deliver a fierce blow and will almost certainly break something on your face.

But back to Jesusland. Ignoring the fact that Jesus himself would probably be embarrased to live there despite creating it while ignoring every other country in the world, the overwhelming presence of religion will almost certainly keep the moral character higher than up in the USofC where everybody rapes each other and the streets turn into a veritable river of discarded fetuses. And that's not even accounting for the tidal surges on Fetus River after they finish one of their late-night drug binges while hugging every tree they come across. Jesusland is a bit too close to Mexico, so they will actually have to implement a tax to pay for the giant fence they build to keep them dad-gum foreigners outta their backyards. And hopefully God stops punishing the area with sin-cleansing hurricanes, as it will be a land of righteousness. All hurricanes will be prayed away to Mexico.

But, most importantly, Jesusland would be the best reality show ever created in the history of mankind. Personally, I can't wait. Have your own country, Freepers. We'll all be sitting outside watching.


AndSheWas said...

Gosh, you seem agitated. Take a chill pill - how do you liberal pussies say it? "Tranquillo," I think.

No but seriously - great post.

Boxcar Fritz said...

I work in canada but live in jesusland. Eh, I'll take it.

Rage said...

Dude...forgive my blatant ignorance, and maybe you put it in there somewhere, but what the hell is a "freeper"? You're doing the Lord's Work, Vern...keep it up.

Vern said...

A user at They are like the ACLU of the right-wing.

Rage said...

I'm a little afraid to go to It will make my ears bleed and my eyes burst into flames...but I can't resist....wish me luck!!!