Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I must sue all of those who make jokes!

Does anybody think that picture above is George W. Bush?

I didn't think so. But if you said, "Hey, Vern, I don't think that is George Bush, but he does have an odd resemblance to Charles Barkley", well, my friend, you are not alone. Charles Barkley also thinks that Frank Caliendo is too much like Charles Barkley in his impersonations and had threatened to sue Caliendo along with another of Caliendo's oft-parodied sporting figures, John "Rubber Tits" Madden.

It had gotten to the point where DISH Network actually filed a suit to certify that the spots were legal and preemptively avoid being sued by Barks and Madden. What, you say? This was in March and isn't topical anymore? I don't care. I only like one thing topical, and that's my skin bronzer cream. You can join Barkley and Madden while they go and fuck each other...luckily, though, they are in this together thus are able to avoid having to just go and fuck themselves.

Regardless of whether you think Caliendo is lolzy or not (I personally think he's great on radio, and ehhh not-so-great on TV), there is no fucking way that you can agree with Barkley and Madden based on merit alone. Madden is just pissed and has a well-known hatred of Caliendo, while Barkley is...I don't even know. I'm a huge Barkley fan and cannot believe that he was actually considering a lawsuit against Frank Caliendo. This short white guy uses your accent on TV and you think people are going to confuse the two of you? More people would confuse Young Jeezy for Mahatma Ghandi than would confuse Barkley and Caliendo.

I know we live in a litigious society, but damn, guys, lawyers are still going to be able to find work without famous people suing other famous (or somewhat famous) people because they hurt your feelings. I'm afraid to do my Terri Schiavo impersonation these days because I fear that someone from her family might see me doing it and bust out the lawsuits. Hopefully Charles and John receive a gift package from Tampax with the quickness to help them get over these mean things Frank Caliendo was saying as them.

The latest in the fight against Black AIDS!!!

While looking at the similarly absurd articles about the latest comment by McCain that somehow made him racist or the most recent three-syllable word used by Obama that likewise made him an "elitist", this man, Roland Martin, noticed something that made his recent research irrelevant by comparison.

Some black people have AIDS.

"But after logging onto Tuesday and seeing the bold headline: "1 out of 2 with HIV in U.S. is black, report says," nothing else really mattered."

Exactly. While making up only 1 in 8 or so amongst the U.S. population, black people make up 1 in 2 U.S. Americans afflicted with HIV. And so he calls for our leaders to ignore the war in Iraq, the economy, the climate, whatever, and focus squarely on the number one issue in his life: BLACK AIDS. A picture of black AIDS follows:

You can't miss the blackness of that AIDS. It's unmistakable.

Roland...listen. There are bigger issues to the campaigns right now than black AIDS, or even AIDS in general. Sure, you'd like someone to fight black AIDS, and then hopefully also have enough time left over to fight white AIDS, and then Indian AIDS, and probably not Chinese AIDS unless we have time but we probably won't, and so forth. Obama is campaigning internationally right now (for what reason? I'm not quite sure), and he's not really talking to audiences that have the U.S. AIDS crisis at the forefront of their lives. McCain is busy trying to convince America that he's not going to die in office, and really, the last thing they want to hear about is what care he's going to advocate for Magic Johnson.

Roland also wonders why African AIDS gets so much more attention. At this point, it becomes necessary to explain percentages to Mr. Martin. There are places over there in which 1 in 2 people have AIDS. And they don't exactly have the treatment that we have here at Mt. Sinai. But hey, anytime you want to compare the AIDS crises in America to that in Botswana, go for it. CNN has been doing a bang-up job recently.

Black communities are not going to be decimated by AIDS. Just because a few people have AIDS does not mean that they are going to AIDS-fuck it into everybody else. And what do you think McBama should do? Tell these dudes with AIDS to stop fucking?

"And then there is the personal responsibility. It was sickening to watch the young lady in Soledad O'Brien's "Black in America" documentary fret about the results of her AIDS test. But what was horrible was realizing that she suspected her man of cheating, yet chose to have unprotected sex anyhow. These folks need to be hit between the eyes with common sense. You can have all the flyers, e-mails, Web sites and PSAs you want, but if the two people laying in bed together, or even the IV drug user, don't do their part, we're just wasting time and money.

HIV and AIDS are 100 percent preventable. No one has any excuse today not to know what safe sex means. We must have the courage to say what needs to be said, even if it's painful to our sisters, brothers, friends, frat brothers, sorority sisters and church members."

Those two paragraphs are written in ancient retard, which was spoken fluently back in the 1830's. You think people who use needles and fuck gay dudes don't realize that they can get AIDS? How the hell are you going to educate them? What are you going to tell this chick in the documentary? You are going to hit them in the eyes with common sense? That is one of the single most vague, pointless things I've ever read. Do white people have a better grasp on how to prevent AIDS than black people do? It has nothing to do with poverty or anything? Just skin color? Gotcha.

And for this guy to say that HIV is 100% preventable through safe sex just seems wrong. I mean, I'm not doctor, but I have a feeling that you can still get AIDS with condoms. Regardless. The answer is not more flyers and websites, it's a steady dose of common sense right between the eyes!

You heard him, leaders and other black people. You need to tell your black friends that dicks can give them AIDS, and you need to do it today.

If I was any less productive I could pass for the Bangladesh economy

Bangladesh in the house! One of the world's most populated countries, and yet smaller than an Asian penis. Bangladesh gets no respect! Probably because they are poorer than Mike Vick's going to be when he gets out of jail. Much respeck, Bangladesh!

Anyway, if anybody produces less than the 'Desh, it would be me. Holy hell, have I been lazy as of late. But what the hell am I to do? Create work for myself? I don't think so. I'm not paid well enough to do that. Put up pointless blogs? Well, I pretty much have the market cornered on that at this point, so there's really nowhere to go in that aspect. Get a job at Bennigan's? NOPE! Closed! OMG! The saddest day of my past two weeks was the day that I found out that the local Bennigan's was closed. Mainly because the bartender was an acquantance, and thus I could tell her to KEEP THE O'DOULS COMIN'. I love me a good, cold, frosty, delicious, electric bottle of O'Douls. Non-alcoholic gold, I called it, which is awkward, as real gold doesn't have any alcohol in it as is. And no, Goldschlager doesn't count because it's gay as fuck and thus automatically disqualified, just like in the Army.

Which reminds me, time is running out on my life and I must complete a task I have always wanted to complete: throwing a party with a keg of O'Douls. Since I'm old now (over 21) and not in college anymore, it would be a much harder task to pull off and likely wouldn't claim as many victims as it would have a few years ago. However, I'd still like to see who gets HAMMERED off of this O'Douls because they drank LIKE 18 and are STUMBLING and are DUDE SO TRASHED that they CAN'T SEE STRAIGHT and end up FUCKING FAT CHICKS IN THE GARAGE. Speaking of which, I had better clean all of the used syringes from the garage so I don't get sued when this happens. I'm a forward thinker, just like Jimmy Carter was until everybody hated him. Regardless, you are all invited to my O'Douls party.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The only thing more played out than stories about Brett Favre?

Blog posts about Brett Favre. But whatever. I'm bored, have nothing to do, and maybe I'll attract some spammers who are on the lookout for anything Favre-related to drop their CAPS lock on.

Brett isn't even a rugged enough name for this pigskin throwing lumberjack...I'd suggest that he go by Bert instead. If you haven't heard, Bert is attempting to return to the NFL after deciding last March that he'd rather take a position as equipment manager for the Hartford Whalers. Bert quickly found out that he had too much childlike enthusiasm and was just too much of a kid out there, which also had the side-effect of making the Packers the de facto favorite team of most Catholic priests. And probably half of U.S. gym teachers, as well.

But I digress. Bert's gonna end up back in the NFL, life's going to go on, and nobody is going to care. Sure, he may play for the Jets, and after the second or third game, no one will care. Just like nobody gives a fuck what Amy Winehouse is doing right now, whom Britney Spears is blowing at the moment, or what the fuck Jan Van de Velde was actually doing on the British Open leaderboard on day one. In fact, that probably deserves more attention than anything Bert Favre is doing, as the last time anyone collapsed harder than Van de Velde did in 1999 their MedicAlert bracelet went off.

So, where's Bert gonna end up? I have a few opinions.

1. Nobody cares.

2. He's going to go fuck himself.

3. I don't give the slightest of damns.

4. Somewhere gay where the fans can appreciate his grizzly grey facial hair.

5. He's going to go fuck himself, and nobody is going to care.

As far as I can tell, these five scenarios are looking like the most likely outcomes to the Bert Favre saga, which will of course repeat itself next year and the following year and in 2029 when Bert cancels his account and then decides that he wants to reactivate it but the price has gone up since he was grandfathered in as one of the original Bangbusers and they won't give it to him at that price anymore and yada yada yadier molina.

God damn it, Bert.

Is marriage really for white people?

Why did I include a picture of Mike Tyson to represent this idea, you ask? Well, it's because I feel like I just had my eyes raped out while reading these stupid articles about race and marriage, which didn't quite make it as a sitcom on CBS. Also, Mike Tyson claims to have a 14-inch wang, which explains the pain in my eyes, along with the crazy delusions of Mike Tyson in regards to, well, Mike Tyson.

Anyways, CNN is running their new series, "Retard Point-Counterpoint", and the first salvo was fired by a black woman named Dionne Hill, musing on the topic of black marriage, which is really at the forefront of just about everybody's thoughts these days. Miss Hill muses on the perfect life she thought her grade school teacher Mrs. Allen had, saying, "A career she enjoyed, a nice home, two adorable children and a husband. She shared her tools for success with me at an early age. She went to college, got married and waited until she was 26 to have her first child. The perfect life. The perfect plan. It was one I decided to model." She caps this off by noting the major difference between the two of them...Mrs. Allen was white.

WHOA! No fucking way! Mrs. Allen was only able to pull this off because she was a white woman, logically. Also, the fact that she was probably married in 1957 when everybody was doing the Bangladesh thing and marrying when they were 6 years old probably contributed...but hey, not as much as her whiteness, which must have attracted more dick than a WHAM! concert. The writer goes on to describe multiple reasons that she never got married, not a fucking one of which has to do with the fact that she is a Nubian queen. Oh, I put off marriage for my career. Well, unless you are Da Brat, that probably has nothing to do with blackness. Sure, I had dates, but I was just never interested enough. Well, again, that probably has more to do with you being a lesbian than having relatives that used to live in Kenya.

She does eventually come up with one thing quasi-blackness related, noting that black women outnumber black men nearly 2-1 in college degrees. However, she immediately notes that white women also outnumber white men in the same aspect. So just marry some dumbass if you want to get married so bad, Dionne! Who the fuck cares? But if you want to continue to compare the ages of people that are married nowadays with those of 1904, then hey, be my guest.

But that's not all. CNN couldn't let this die. They had to get a retard counterpoint from a black woman who persevered and did the married to another black man! After scouring the US far and wide (most likely in urban areas), they finally found Camille Felton, that real blood-diamond in the rough.

She opens up with a motherfucking bang: "Some people might consider me to be a rare find. I don’t feel like an anomaly, but statistically, I am. According to U.S. Census records, I’m one of about 30% of black women who are married. My husband and I will be celebrating our 17th wedding anniversary in August. We live in a suburb of Atlanta, with our two kids and a dog, in a house with a picket fence."

Damn straight, Camille! What a rare find! Only 30%!?!?! That means I have to find APPROXIMATELY 3.3 BLACK WOMEN BEFORE I FIND ONE THAT IS MARRIED!!!!! OMG! You are so rare! By the way, oxygen makes up about 21% of the air. You are more fucking common than oxygen, Camille.

She also continues with two paragraphs of 10-pt retard describing how, yes, she has single friends, and no, she doesn't know how she did it, and that, no, she doesn't take her marriage for granted, but yes, she has played Gran Tourismo, and no, she doesn't know the lyrics to Des'Ree's "You Gotta Be", and so on. Great. These things read like these women survived face cancer or something. If I wanted to read about perseverance or overcoming odds, I'd rather read about a crippled Scandinavian boy who climbed up a pile of tires and mattresses to beat a group of his able-bodied classmates to a can of Surge over this ridiculous drivel.

But hey, race gets views, I guess.

Also, check out the first comment on that last article. "Black people can certainly make marriages work...hey, look at the Obamas!". God damn. I'm surprised she left out the part about how many black friends she has.

Friday, July 25, 2008

I could be the first dick-sucking president!

Greetings to my Florida constituency from your honorable governor, Charlie Crist. I come before you today to talk about offshore oil-drilling and to make several gay jokes in relation to oil-drilling, because if there is one thing I like to pound home harder than my political positions, it's hot male ass. I pound ass so violently that I've had a few reconstructive ass-surgery techniques named after me. But that's not the reason that I am appearing before you today in all of my exotic-tanned glory.

As you likely already know, gas has gotten expensive as fuck. And while we here in Florida depend heavily on our tourism industry, things have gotten to the point where our hardworking citizens are struggling to afford the gas that powers their Ford F-150 American Dreammobiles. And to this, I say open up the offshore drilling, before the Cubans, the Chinese, and the other slanty-eyed or dark people from foreign non-American nations get here and gobble it up first, like the last dick at the glory hole, sucking every last drop of delicious semen from the huge dick that represents our American way. And let me tell you, if there's any area that I have experience in, it's doing what's right for Florida, and sucking every single dick that I come across.

I am a man of ambitions, just as many of you are, have been, or will be. I want nothing more than to represent my fellow Floridians at the highest level of the land, the Oval Office of the White House, standing tall for what's right and for what I and my people believe in. And along the way, I must admit, I'm likely to suck a fucking lifetime's worth of dick. I will focus the same energy that I focus on sucking every ounce of energy out of a dick on getting things done for the American people the right way. What is the right way, you ask? Why don't you ask me that question again while I'm sucking the life out of your dick. I'm like a wind-tunnel with grey hair, but the hair is not what I'm talking about when I talk about "just for men".

So please, Floridians, join me in voicing the message to the current administration that we demand that off-shore drilling be implemented off of the Florida coast. We demand that the government do everything in their power to relieve from us the extreme burden of this terrible gas crisis. And we demand that they enact a resolution with the same swiftness with which I disrobe an unsuspecting young male and swallow his dick like a 5 year old on a Flintstone vitamin. And I will lead this charge, Florida, like an F-5 dick-sucking tornado leveling everything in its path.

Thank you for your time. And anyone who would like to meet me in my office to, uh, talk...uh, talk about politics, well, you know where to find me.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

I'm going to fuck all of you homos in the ass!

Apparently, that is how you show someone how gay they are. You fuck them in the ass. As I'd seen pointed out, sort of illogical, no? I just can't see how putting your penis in another man's ass shows them how wrong they are for...well, presumably for putting their penises in the asses of other men. Or receiving it. Or listening to Joe Jackson songs. Whatever the gays do.

As of yet, the promise of hatefucking the asses of gay men nationwide has not entered the agenda of either McCain or Obama, although since Obama is a Democrat and thus obviously gay himself, I don't see him incorporating this measure. McCain possibly, although he is over the legal erection age and may not want to remind himself of this every time he wants to rape a gay man in the ass as a display or power and righteousness. We'll leave it up to the Iraqis, who are so fucked up that they make Floridians appear capable of rational thought. Of course, I wouldn't go around fucking any gay men in the ass in Miami, or you might catch the AIDS. Even Troy Williamson could catch it down there.

Similar to the premise of the old Onion article, why do all of these homosexuals keep making us rape them in the ass? Homos, we are trying to do you a favor and show you the errors of your ways. We aren't trying to engage in any kind of unbridled release of our deeply hidden gay fantasies. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you, trust me. So bend over and take it like a heathen.

It's tough carrying this moral torch, but somebody's gotta do it.

Manatees are not yet extinct

Say what you want about these sick looking animals, they sure can take a raping in stride and shrug it off, just like a Miss America contestant. However, the fact that these fat motherf-ers are not yet extinct bothers me. I don't own a boat, and really have no desire to get one. However, the potential to kill manatees with it is quite alluring.

Somebody has to do something, and that somebody just may be Captain Vern. Regardless of how "majestic" you think a manatee is (and if you really do think that manatees are majestic, you should probably be busy making jewelry out of painted rocks), I'm still going to kill it. Look at that thing. What is it doing swimming there? Go into the ocean, you douchebag, or you are going to get killed by a boat. Jeez. If Anne Frank were a manatee, should wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes in hiding. She probably would have been dancing in the living room behind a potted plant or something. If God really loved manatees, he would have made them a lot smarter.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sites I frequent

Who the fuck cares? I just can't see somebody stumbling upon this site after searching for "violent manatee rape" and noticing, "hey, this weird dude recommends! I should check it out!". I guess that is a poor example, since someone who enjoys forcefucking manatees might also like to watch blonde chicks get some reparations broken off inside of them, but whatever. You get the point. Or maybe you don't. Who cares. If I could actually set up this sitemeter correctly, it would probably indicate that half of my audience can't even read, and the other half is the person reading it to AB.

And that's not Anheiser-Busch, although I have nothing against Belgians. I imagine that no more than 5% of the people actually pissed off about Budweiser being sold to Belgians could even locate Belgium on a map, unless Air Brussels decides to start offering flights using Marlboro Miles or something. Point is, I don't get my blogroll on. So if you actually care which website I check to get traffic reports, you'll have to suck it out of me.

Rick Ross guards prisons like a broad

OMG, Rick Ross was a corrections officer! He wasn't the biggest boss that we've seen thusfar! That gust of wind you just felt was Tony Danza breathing a huge sigh of relief, as he is now firmly entrenched as the boss of all bosses.

Here's the lowdown on Ricky's anything-but-sordid past working for the man, and in turn keeping down the type of man that he portrayed himself as. You know, hopping out the Magnum wearing a magnum and smacking bitches or something like that. Oh, and moving weight. And that's not a fat joke...I mean coke. Rick took his name after the guy that pretty much singlehandedly made crack what it is today, affordable coke for the hood. However, in hindsight, if Rick Ross ever moved any coke, it would only have been in the following capacity:

Move that Coke, son! This isn't big news, though. The rap community will survive, as anybody who actually thought that these big-time rappers live the lives they preached probably also believed that OJ didn't kill Lacey Peterson. He fucking did. And all of the small-time rappers who actually do shoot people for their street cred or whatever are usually arrested within hours of doing so. So big-ups, Rick Ross! I'm excited to hear these developments touched on in his next CD , Triller Part II or whatever it's going to be called. I bet it's going to be the trillest representation of trill to ever hit my ears. And that's saying something, as I definitely still have the Debbie Gibson CD that I got in 1996 from a BMG 12 CDs for 1 cent deal.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Blogs are gay

So is this one. You have probably just reached it if you searched for something like "gayness", "man-on-man", or "tangled penises". Sucks for you, as you will find none of that here.

Eventually, to the 4 people that read this, I'll think of something to write. Like, do gay dudes get really excited to jack off? Because not only are you getting an HJ, you are giving an HJ as well. Touching a penis. Gays love penises.

But until that day, well, go fuck yourselves.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

2 Birds, 1 Stone

Now that's what I'm talking about. Porn is really undergoing a bit of a renaissance these days, really branching out past the old days of a dude fucking a chick in one or two holes TOPS. There was no ear-fucking in 1976...who out there wouldn't have wanted to see John Holmes aurally rape Andrea True? Instead of continuing the 1980's trend of going gay and spreading AIDS around at a rate that would make Rwanda proud, today's porn is taking a turn for the avant-garde, something that I couldn't be more pleased about.

Instead of settling down and dying, today's old men are engaging in colorful fruit-themed orgies, known more commonly as a "lemonparty". Hey, when life gives you lemons, throw a lemon party. Women are showing their love for one another over a delicious cup of whatever the hell it was that they just ate. Hundreds of dudes are simultaneously jizzing all over the wanton face of a confused young woman who almost certainly had a very difficult childhood. Knowing that I can visit xtube and watch a pregnant lady fuck an aluminum baseball bat is one of the few reasons I even get up in the morning. It really is a golden age of self-violation.

And these are the things I am thankful for when I sit down in my trailer and drink my 7th PBR of the young evening. Stealing your neighbors internet and looking for the sickest fucking porn that the web has to offer has become second nature to many, however, I will never take it for granted. This is John Cougar Mellencamp's America, people.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Start getting independent

It's that time again, time to celebrate the 232nd birthday of this great tit-fucking nation with the smooth, melodic sounds of late-1990's Destiny's Child songs. Yes, I know you are independent, America, and you obviously need someone to pay your bills. Just tell me what percentage you need and it's done. I put the check in the mail in April. Actually, I did my taxes the same way I do my Nowadays, you can pay your car insurance bill with a few clicks in the middle of watching some hair-gelled dude drill for oil in an Asian woman's vagina. And that's just the way I like it.

So, don't just sit around tomorrow jacking it (or flicking it, or vibrating it, or covering it in ice and blowing a fan on it, or whatever you ladies do). Go out and get independent. Shotgun PBRs like George Washington would have done. Get drunk and wrap your Honda around a tree just like Thomas Jefferson would have done. Go out and rob a convenience store at gunpoint like Crispus Attucks would have done. Impregnate some chick you'll probably never talk to again and pay her off to get an abortion just like John Hancock would have done. Live it up a little. And who needs fireworks when you can make some of your own? That's right. I'm talking bukkake. For America. America needs it more than you do, trust me. She'll lap it right up.

And after you get done wiping all of that jizz off of America's face, sit back and reflect on this as much of the history of this great nation that you actually remember from public school (likely not very much if you attended school in Florida). Slap that hoe in the name of Prohibition. Do a jager shot for William Jennings Bryan's "Cross of Gold" speech, which was given back in the day when retards were actually arguing whether they should back their money with gold or silver. Dude, who the fuck cares? We're America! Just print off more like Mugabe does. If it's good enough for Zimbabwe, then it's good enough for the ol' US of A. And remember, kids...don't share needles. That's what Jefferson Davis would have done.