Oh snap, I gotta play dress ups

Oh snap y'all, it's Halloweens today. Time to get lost in the act of pretending to be someone else (no, not like that dude who was arrested for impersonating Brian St. Pierre). But what am I going to dress up as? I usually like to do something strange and uncommon.

Last year, I started hitting the sauce early and was kind of out of it by 4 o'clock. So, I kind of missed the "go get a costume" part of things. I had to think quick right before we left...and so I took the hose attachment from the vacuum cleaner and carried it around with a tag on my shirt that read "FREE ABORTIONS!". That went over realllll well, let me tell you.

This year, I really haven't had too much time to formulate a costume nor the expendable scratch to buy the pieces for it. As soon as my money comes in right now, it goes out to bills. And those bills do not include Spiderman masks. So, I had come up with a few ideas.

- A pube. How would I pull off being a pube, you ask? I really have no idea. I guess I would paint my face black, wear all black, and find some black curly thing to wear on my head. Not too many people thought this was a good idea. I think it it's the best idea I've ever had in my life, and that's saying something as I was the guy who told John Holmes that he might want to get some HIV tests done before he started doing gay porns. Best "I told you so" in my life, even if he was too dead-from-AIDS to hear it. Anyway, I might still end up doing this one tomorrow (two days of costuming coming up).

- A Chrysler Town and Country. Yes, a minivan. No, I have no idea how. All I know is it would be awesome and there would be no chance of showing up and having to say "fuck, Diane, you are a Chrysler Town and Country too?". If I had a good amount of dollars laying around, I might try this. But even then I have no idea how I'd do it. Maybe I'll just drive one into the living room.

- Someone in blackface. Blackface is awesome in every circumstance. I could be Mike Tyson, or Stevie Wonder, or even MLK Jr.!!! If I get some African-American paint, I might do Tyson. That would be easy. Plus, I could ask every woman there if they want to perform Horatio on me.

I got nothing this year. I'm going to have to do the pube idea.

Start getting independent

It's that time again, time to celebrate the 232nd birthday of this great tit-fucking nation with the smooth, melodic sounds of late-1990's Destiny's Child songs. Yes, I know you are independent, America, and you obviously need someone to pay your bills. Just tell me what percentage you need and it's done. I put the check in the mail in April. Actually, I did my taxes the same way I do my porn...online. Nowadays, you can pay your car insurance bill with a few clicks in the middle of watching some hair-gelled dude drill for oil in an Asian woman's vagina. And that's just the way I like it.

So, don't just sit around tomorrow jacking it (or flicking it, or vibrating it, or covering it in ice and blowing a fan on it, or whatever you ladies do). Go out and get independent. Shotgun PBRs like George Washington would have done. Get drunk and wrap your Honda around a tree just like Thomas Jefferson would have done. Go out and rob a convenience store at gunpoint like Crispus Attucks would have done. Impregnate some chick you'll probably never talk to again and pay her off to get an abortion just like John Hancock would have done. Live it up a little. And who needs fireworks when you can make some of your own? That's right. I'm talking bukkake. For America. America needs it more than you do, trust me. She'll lap it right up.

And after you get done wiping all of that jizz off of America's face, sit back and reflect on this as much of the history of this great nation that you actually remember from public school (likely not very much if you attended school in Florida). Slap that hoe in the name of Prohibition. Do a jager shot for William Jennings Bryan's "Cross of Gold" speech, which was given back in the day when retards were actually arguing whether they should back their money with gold or silver. Dude, who the fuck cares? We're America! Just print off more like Mugabe does. If it's good enough for Zimbabwe, then it's good enough for the ol' US of A. And remember, kids...don't share needles. That's what Jefferson Davis would have done.