Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Rooney II 'fucking thrilled' over new Holmes allegations

By Pubes McCafferty

PITTSBURGH, PA - The usually cold and docile winter in this working-class city has been heating up as of recent over criminal allegations levied against players from its once-proud football team.

Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes is the latest player to play the role of defendant, as he is the target of a civil suit by a Florida woman claiming that he threw a full glass at her in the VIP section of an Orlando nightclub on March 7, causing a laceration under her eye. She claims that Holmes, along with help from the Orlando Police, used his NFL cachet to dissuade her from pressing criminal charges at the time.

All of this has team president Art Rooney II livid.

"Yeah, I'm fucking thrilled about this", Rooney II said sarcastically. "This is fucking great. This is just what we fucking needed right now".

When pushed for comments on Holmes' upcoming contract negotiations, Rooney II continued with the sarcastic responses.

"Yeah, let's make him the highest-paid fucking woman beater in this entire fucking league. And that's saying something with all of these dickheads punching their fucking whores all the time. This reflects really fucking well on our league and our team. This is Pittsburgh fucking Steeler football right here".

"I'm sure Jack Ham is fucking loving this shit", Rooney II continued. "I know Mean Joe Greene is eating this up. This is what those guys built. They intended for the Pittsburgh Steelers to eventually turn into an organized fucking crime syndicate", he said, dripping with more sarcasm as he went along.

"Rod Woodson's gotta be fucking loving this, too. And the fucking coaching staff. I bet Dick LeBeau's dick is hard over this shit".

Rooney II then taunted the assembled media for even asking for his opinion.

"So, now you goatfuckers know what I'm thinking. I'm sure it would have been real fucking hard for everybody to imagine how I'd react to this without actually fucking asking me these retard fucking questions. So, do any of you fucking idiots have anything else you'd like to know? Do you want me to start sucking your dicks just to show how fucking happy I am that my entire team is out raping and fucking woman-beating?".

Rooney II then stormed out of the room without sucking any dicks. A phone call to a team spokesman asking for further comment was not returned.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Safe Place

I took a Mensa test a few weeks ago. Half of it was the Wonderlic. Yeah, those 50 questions aren't too hard at all, but the timed aspect makes them kind of ridic. Sure, it's not too hard to find out how long 210 pounds of beef lasts a family that eats 1 2/5 pounds per day. But it is when you have 14 seconds to do it. Ironically, vegetarians usually ace that question. And yes, I realize that that joke wasn't actually ironic. Just wanted to clear that up.

Anyway, the test was at a branch of the Broward County Public Library system. And I'm not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that this library was MAYBE on par with the library at good old Gateway Middle School in Monroeville, PA. Yes. The school that I went to for 5th and 6th grade has a comparable library to BROWARD FUCKING COUNTY. The actual Monroeville public library blew it out of the God damn water. Goooo, Florida! I wish I had gotten a picture, but the people who showed up at 9:45 am and waited by the doors so that they could get in at 10 and use the computers were some freaking characters. People never cease to amaze me.

Point is, the above sign was affixed onto the side of the library. And I looked at it and thought, that's kind of strange. I mean, look at it. AND THEN, yesterday, at the gym where I play dodgeball on Wednesday nights, was ANOTHERof these signs! WHAT THE F? Look at that thing? Did Ben Roethlisberger design that? Is this a safe haven for rapists and gropers? Seeing this sign twice at two non-consecutive buildings made me feel like Groper Cleveland. I'll be here all week.

Seriously, though...for whom is this meant to invoke feelings of safety? Who wants someone to sneak up behind them for a quick interracial groping? I'm positive that at least 20% of sexual assault that goes on in South Florida is a direct result of this "come rape me!" sign. Maybe the next generation of this sign will describe a non-arousal zone and have a picture of a flaccid penis on it. Only you can prevent crotch fires.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Jacksonville, Florida. Largest city in Florida by population, believe it or not. Almost twice the population of Miami. So why can't they fill the stadium up? I mean, they are first rate! As PFT states:

As the Jaguars try to recover from a season that featured home crowds in the lower reaches of 40,000, owner Wayne Weaver said at the annual meetings in Orlando that he is encouraged by the early sales for 2010, in the wake of last week's initial deadline for season-ticket renewals.

"I think it came in really well," Weaver said Monday, per Michael C. Wright of the Florida Times-Union.  "Our renewal rate is going to be way up compared to the past.  We've got a long way to go, but it's moving well."

As Wright explains it, Friday's deadline applied to the eight-month payment plan, which includes eligibility for various prizes, like a trip to one of the team's road games, where fans might be able to experience the thrill of a full NFL stadium.  (Unless the game is in Tampa.)

The team's official web site currently shows that 16,242 season tickets have been renewed, and that 29,418 tickets per game must be sold to avoid local blackouts.  Last season, only one of ten home games met the minimum threshold for sales, permitting the contest to be televised locally.

I've been to Jacksonville Municipal Stadium for a couple of Gator Bowls, and it's a first-rate facility.  Jacksonville also is, in our view, a first-rate town.  So we continue to be flummoxed by the failure of the locals to fill the place up.  It's NFL football, folks -- and with another year or two of 40,000 fans per game, it won't be NFL football for much longer.

It seems a lot of people don't understand the demographics of Jacksonville that clearly. Sure, it has a population of 800,000. That's almost three times that of Buffalo and over twice that of Pittsburgh and Cleveland, three places that have no problems filling up a stadium. And two of those places have terrible teams. Much worse than the Jaguars have been over the past few years. The Jags won a playoff game as recently as 2007. So why can't these people go to the game?

Because those numbers are misleading. Jacksonville has an area about 15 TIMES that of Miami.

Take a look at Jacksonville. It's the largest city in the lower-48 by terms of land area. It takes up almost the ENTIRE COUNTY. The metro area that has 1.3 million people in it takes up like, 5 counties. It's the fourth largest in the state...behind Orlando. Not even taking into account the economic depression in the area...it's just not that big.

Let's look at NFL cities and their metro areas:

New York 19.0
Chicago 9.6
Dallas 6.3
Philadelphia 5.8
Houston 5.7
Miami 5.4
Atlanta 5.4
Washington D.C. 5.4
Boston  4.5
Detroit 4.4
Phoenix 4.3
San Francisco/Oakland 4.3
Seattle 3.3
Minneapolis 3.2
San Diego 3.0
St. Louis 2.8
Tampa Bay 2.7
Baltimore 2.7
Denver 2.5
Pittsburgh 2.4
Cincinnati 2.2
Cleveland 2.1
Kansas City 2.0
Indianapolis 1.7
Charlotte 1.7
Nashville 1.6
Jacksonville 1.3
New Orleans 1.1
Buffalo 1.1
Green Bay 0.3  (112 miles north of Milwaukee 1.5 M)

Jacksonville is right at the bottom. I'm not even going to count Green Bay here because they are such an anomaly. And they have, like, a history. I guess both teams share Mark Brunell.

Jacksonville's metro area takes up 3,700 square miles. Buffalo's takes up 1,600. New Orleans has a comparable area, however, the city itself is about a fifth the area of Jacksonville's. Basically, there just aren't that many people living near Jacksonville's stadium. Combined with the fact that they don't have that much money and that the team is relatively new...I can understand that they can't get 70,000 people to the stadium. That's one-tenth of their people. And I'm not even taking age into account. If New York put one-tenth of their people into the stadium, they'd have to sit about 30 to a seat. Pittsburgh would fill their stadium to almost 4 times it's capacity. 

What I'm saying is...there probably shouldn't be an NFL team in Jacksonville.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Bleacher Report experiment

I've railed against Bleacher Report quite often recently, it seems. So why not join them?

I've argued that you can put just about ANYTHING up there and get away with it. So why not test out my theory? Well, I did.

Registering was surprisingly easy. Name, password, email. I used this email and the name "Tommy Writerson". Yep. It was that easy to register as "Tommy Writerson" and get onto the website right away. I mean immediately. I posted the following article within 20 minutes of registering:

Quarantine: Steelers Should Keep Ben From Leading Dixon To Life of Rape
By Tommy Writerson
Pictured is the potential face of the 2010 Pittsburgh Steelers...a Mr. Dennis Dixon. He's so inexperienced that he doesn't even know he's supposed to wear a helmet.

Assuming incumbent QB and two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback Benjamin Roethlisberger rapes his way into prison this off-season, Dixon will likely be the guy that coach Mike Tomlin goes to at the position. At the very least, he should get the first crack at it. Dixon started in place of the recently concussedRoethlisberger in 2009 in Baltimore, performing admirably but ultimately contributing to the Raven victory with a costly overtime interception.

That is, if Ben doesn't lead Dixon into a life of rape.

Ben's case is hovering above the Steelers this off-season like a stormy black cloud, or like some sort of futuristic hovercraft that also has a propensity to rape. However, he has not been charged and is free to participate in off-season workouts with the team.

They should not allow him to do so.

Allowing Ben to impart his rape-wisdom onto Dixon at best will not help in the slightest with the young QB's development and will at worstjump start Dixon down a similar path to a life of groping and other wanton sexual advances upon young, vulnerable women.

It's the same reason teams do not want to bring in either of the Joneses in. Both Pac-Man and Matt have shown flashes of ability in their young, troubled careers, however, there is no telling what the presence of either will do for the other young players on a team's roster. The Bengals took a huge risk on Matt Jones. Will he help teammate ReyMaualuga develop a cocaine addiction? Would, say, the Lions signing Pac-Man result in Calvin Johnson arranging a drive-by shooting against his high school guidance counselor? Only time will tell.

While Ben has not been formally charged with any crime(s) at this point, he has two sexual harassment/rape accusations against him in nine months and where there is sexually assaulted smoke there is usually sexually assaulted fire. The Steelers can absolutely not allow him to tarnish their potential QB of the future. Quarantine Dennis Dixon from the rapist influences of BenRoethlisberger.

Or risk Tim Tebow becoming the final hope.

And lo and behold, there it was. For a good three hours. I finally received the following message from Bleacher Report:

Hey Tommy,

Your article "Quarantine: Steelers Should Keep Ben From Leading Dixon To Life of Rape" was deleted from Bleacher Report, either because it failed to meet the network's Content Standards or because it was a duplicate submission.

Please note that the deletion does not reflect the quality of the article and should not be taken personally.  If you have any questions or concerns about the deletion, please raise them in our Customer Support Community:


The Bleacher Report Team

Well it sure as fuck wasn't a duplicate submission, meaning that they must not like articles joking about rape. Or teammates raping with teammates. Or something like that.

The fact that my drivel was up there for as long as it was says a lot about the website. Sure, they eventually got around to deleting it, but not for a few hours afterwards. It was not put through a submission process even though I was a brand new writer named TOMMY WRITERSON. Nothing. It was just there. And Bleacher Report has some pull, as this is currently the fifth or so result on a Google search for Dennis Dixon:

 Wow. And this site is actually respected and held in high esteem by some.

The main reason for this? I read this article today.

The money quote:

Before he and the Steelers move too far down that road, I'd like to propose a different solution. After what happened last year with the defense, one of the team's biggest needs is at defensive back. What about Sweed? Everybody says he has all the moves, and he's fast. Also, anyone who saw the AFC title game against the Baltimore Ravens knows he can hit.

Why couldn't he play corner? . The biggest obstacle I can see is perhaps Sweed wants to be a receiver and nothing else. But I find it hard to believe that the same person who clobbered that forgotten Raven two years ago would turn down a chance to play defense. Best of all no one would really be expecting him to catch passes!

Yep. "Let's move Sweed to corner!". For real. That was a legit article. And it was NOT pulled. Yet mine was. I'll try to get some clarification.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Old RBs

Sweet, an old ass running back from Latrobe!

But that's not what I meant by old. I mean old as in, they are old men. They are over 30! OMG! Old ass men toting the rock. And during my rounds today, I came across an article at Bleacher Report (I don't know why I even bother with that site, but I do) questioning that notion because, well, I mean...Thomas Jones ran for a lot of yards last year and he was old!

The running back used to be the premier position in the National Football League, but in recent years teams have adopted a platoon or running back by committee approach. Not long ago we were talking about Emmitt Smith, Barry Sanders, Herschel Walker, and players of that caliber.

Ahhh, yes...Herschel Walker. He of the one season over 270 carries and 1,100 yards. He was the definition of "feature back". But I digress...I get the point. Many more RBs by committee these days, it seems. That is purely anecdotal and I'm not researching it either, because I have THINGS TO DO.

Every year there is a new young running back that breaks on the scene; Chris Johnson, Beanie Wells, and Ray Rice. Those names do not invoke the type of nostalgia, or even excitement for the most part.

Yes, Chris Johnson had a good season, coming close to breaking the single season rushing yardage record and many exciting runs of 50-plus yards along the way. But none of the players I named have any signature moments that will last for decades, because in the next four years most of them will have diminished playing time or looking for another team.

Hmm. Maybe. Quite possibly so. Outside of the part where Chris Johnson doesn't invoke excitement. That's ridiculous. The mere mention of Chris Johnson's name could get Terri Schiavo's dick hard. Saying "CJ" around the elderly is considered more dangerous than yelling "bomb" in a movie theater. Well...it would be if people still went to movie theaters. But you get my point. Chris Johnson is so exciting that I have to go and change my pants. I'll be right back. In the meantime, take it away, "Marcus S" of Bleacher Report:

If you doubt this theory, see if you can name the backup running backs for Emmitt Smith, Barry Sanders, Herschel Walker, and Eric Dickerson. But I am quite sure you can name the backups for the former three players I mentioned.

 Uhhh...no, I can't. But...you want to cite Eric Dickerson and Herschel Walker as players who wouldn't change teams or have diminished roles? Dickerson peaked in his second year. Check it out for yourself. He set the NFL record for yardage that season and averaged 5.6 yards per carry, however, he never exceeded 4.6 in that department during the remainder of his career. He was at least a full yard-per-carry worse for the remainer of his career. He ran for 2,105 at age 24 and then exceeded 1,500 yards in a season only twice before he retired, needing NFL-record levels of carries to do so. In fact, he is a perfect argument against what Marcus S is trying to suggest. Same with Walker. Huge peak season at 26, barely anything after being traded to Minnesota. These guys kill your argument, Marcus!

Teams are finding more creative ways to save money and maximize their talent, but to in essence de-emphasize a position across the board is almost unheard of.

Yeah, if they don't have players of Walker's or Dickerson's caliber. Chris Johnson had almost 360 carries last year. Steven Jackson is definitely the go-to guy on the Rams. These guys do exist. But when you're the Houston Texans and you have someone like Steve Slaton leading the way, you may mix some other guys in. Look at the 1983 New Orleans Saints. They didn't have any Hall of Famers at RB and split carries almost evenly between George Rogers and Wayne Wilson (who?). In fact, they beat Rogers to death in his first year, giving him 378 carries as he rushed for almost 1,700 yards. He only exceeded 300 carries once more in his career, five years later in Washington. You know, maybe more teams do this kind of stuff now, but it really is starting to look to me like it's not some kind of crazy new NFL wizardry. It's been going on for as long as running backs have been getting repeatedly tackled by large men.

This strategy has reached a new level in the past few weeks as Brian Westbrook, former standout running back for the Philadelphia Eagles, LaDainian Tomlinson of the San Diego Chargers, and Thomas Jones from the New York Jets were all cut by their respective teams.

Yeah, because they are all old. And they are under contract for a fuckton of money. You don't think that their original teams would have liked to keep them around at lower rates?

Emmitt Smith finished his career washed up in Arizona. He started to decline much like Tomlinson did, only he was about 2 or 3 years older when it happened. Probably helped that he was running behind an offensive line of Giant Sequoias. Sanders retired at 29. Who knows what would have happened to him had his numbers fallen off and had he been owed like, $5 mil. This isn't a strategy so much as it's admitting that there is a bevy of cheaper, younger, and frankly, better options out there to replace them.

If you had to name the top 10 running backs in the NFL a few years ago, all of these players would be in the conversation, but only a few seasons later all of them are looking for a new beginning with a new team.

There are inherent problems with this philosophy. Sure, any team with a good offensive line can put even a decent running back in there and he will have success. Having an elite running back is not just about running the football; the biggest thing young running backs struggle with is the pass protection and hot reads that are required from the running back position.

This is of paramount importance because your $100 million dollar quarterback’s last line of defense is most often times the running back blocking for him or catching a dump pass out of the back field. Now, in order to save a little change they want to roll the dice with inexperienced players protecting the backside of your highest paid one?

Who cares what you could have said 4 years ago? If you asked me 4 years ago who the best QB was, I wouldn't have said Michael Vick. Although some people may have. And now he's like, 8th string behind Kevin Kolb. If you would have asked me 60 years ago what the coolest new country was, I probably would have said India.

As far as these RBs being awesome pass blockers, I'll need a bit more info to make that determination. Thomas Jones, in the role of "last line of defense in the form of a dump off pass", had 10 catches last season. He's caught over 40 passes exactly once in his illustrious, Walter Payton-esque career. Speaking of Payton, Marcus, you should have cited Sweetness. He was 30 years old during that great 1984 season and had a hell of a late-career resurgence.

The myth that running backs get burned out at age 30 is a bit of a white lie. What has started to happen is teams migrate to run primarily a passing offense because the Colts, Patriots, and others have been successful with it. This is de-emphasizing the running game, as New England, Arizona, and Indianapolis have never really been known for their running game.

It is a white lie smothered in blatant anecdotal evidence. There is so much evidence that this lie is actually truth that anybody who wades into it may actually suffocate. Let's take a look-see.

Here is a list of the greatest single-season yardage outputs by NFL running backs. Tiki Barber is the only 30-year old in the top 25. Barry Sanders is the only other player in the top 25 who is even aged 29 at the time of their big year. The list is chock-full of 24s, 25s and 26s. Thomas Jones' 2009 season, which Marcus will reference in a bit, is the fourth-greatest single season by a 31+ year old running back in NFL history, going by yardage.

By yardage, it's tied for THE 121st BEST SEASON OF ALL-TIME.

One more time. 121st. Now let's look at passing yardage.Quite a different story...sure there are some young guys up there, but look at all of the 30+ year seasons. Warren Moon threw for the 10th most single-season yards in history at age 35!!! I don't know if a 35-year old running back has ever even lead his family in rushing yards, let alone all but like, 6 or 7 other NFL players ever. If youth was overrated for a running back, we'd surely see some seasons of at least 30 or so years old popping up on that initial list. But we just don't. Marcus, conveniently, doesn't cite any numbers except:

As a result, these teams have not given these running backs the same amount of carries that they had in previous years, so of course their numbers are going to drop. On top of that, teams have started to acquire pass blocking specialists at the offensive line positions, and some of these players are only average run blockers.

Thomas Jones did more to dispel the myth than anyone else last season; he rushed for over 1,400 yards and 14 touchdowns. This was the best season of his career, and he is 31 years old, so is Jones some type of exception to the rule?

Yep, Thomas Jones. Along with Tiki Barber, John Riggins, Walter Payton, and maybe Ricky Williams and Curtis Martin, exceptions to the rule. I guess it's almost impossible to prove, but the statistics strongly suggest that these guys are exceptions. And they don't get the ball as much because they aren't nearly as good as they used to be. Funny how that works.

His career was average before the past two seasons, and he all of a sudden turns in his rocking chair for a career season?  Even with all of that, the Jets still jettisoned him in favor of Shonn Greene, who has yet to play a 16 game season in the NFL.

Money, first and foremost. He was commanding a high salary and they had a younger, cheaper guy right behind him that may have ran even better. It's simple.

I think Greene is a good player, but he does not have the experience of Thomas Jones and has not proven he can make it through an entire season healthy. He fumbled away the game against the Dolphins earlier last season, and had his moments where he was lost in pass protection.

I'd like to see one of those moments where he wandered over to the sideline, begging Thomas Jones to tell him who he should pick up on the blitz.

Jones signed with the Chiefs, taking about a $4 million dollar pay cut in the process. All of these signs point to one truth; Emmitt Smith’s career rushing record will last for decades.  No running back for the foreseeable future is going to get the same opportunity to be the featured guy for over 13 years.

Emmitt Smith ran for a total of 18,355 yards during his 15-season NFL career; LaDainian Tomlinson (who just signed with the Jets) has rushed for only 12,490 yards and is now considered “over the hill.” There is no way Tomlinson will get another 5,000 or 6,000 rushing yards because he will not get enough opportunities to get to that number.

LaDainian Tomlinson absolutely would have gotten that opportunity had he not swan-dove off a cliff following the 2007 season. Let's compare his late 20's numbers to those of Smith.

At 27, he ran for over 1,800 yards and averaged 5.2 yards per carry, scoring a record 27 TDs in the process. He followed that up at 28 by slowing a bit to 4.7 YPC. In the past two years he's fallen to 3.8 and, last year, an abysmal 3.3 yards per carry. But, he didn't get enough carries! He had 292 two years ago and 223 this past season. 223 is wayyyyyyy way way too many carries to give to a guy averaging 3.3 yards per carry. They gave him every opportunity to challenge Emmitt's record in the past two years. He took those 515 carries and turned them into 1,840 yards. Even Eddie George (another perfect case of a guy falling off) thinks that's horrible. Eddie George was ran into the ground just like the old-timers that Marcus noted earlier. He responded with 3.0 yard/carry seasons.

Emmitt, on the other hand, did not run like he did in his youth when he got to Tomlinson's age, however, he still produced. During his age 29 season, he took his 319 carries and averaged 4.2 yards per carry with them. The next season at age 30, he received 329 carries because he was still averaging 4.2 yards per carry. That's a full yard better than Tomlinson's age 30 season. That's why Tomlinson won't break his record. Smith fell only to 3.9 and 3.8 yards/carry at 32 and 33 before playing out the string in Arizona. So, when Smith was run out of Dallas, he was STILL performing at a level greater than Tomlinson did in the past two years. So, the plight of LaDainian Tomlinson will have fuckall to do with whether or not some player eventually breaks Smith's yardage record. Also, after Smith's huge 25-TD, 1,700+ yard age 26 Super Bowl season? He never received the same workload again.

Looking at the statistics, the only active players who have over 10,000 yards are as follows:
LaDainian Tomlinson (Jets) – 12,490
Edgerrin James (No Team) – 12,246
Fred Taylor (No Team) – 11,540
Jamal Lewis (May Retire) – 10,607
(Statistics courtesy of http://www.pro-football-reference.com)
As you can see, none of them are even close to Emmitt and the only one that has a real shot is LT, but his contract in New York is only for two years and he isn’t the featured guy.

I don't even know what the point of that was. Now the purpose of the article is to point out how safe Emmitt Smith's record is? Again, I have no idea why I waste my time responding to Bleacher Report articles, but here I am.

The NFL running back is now dead or in a state of hibernation depending on how you look at it. Maybe in the next five to 10 years the league will change back to a more balanced set of offenses that once again emphasize the run.

 The reasons for which have already been covered. Yes, it's a passing league now. I'd also add that there are more young, cheap running backs available that can do an adequate job and that collisions are probably much more violent these days. Players have gotten faster. Players have gotten bigger. Joints have NOT gotten bigger. Knee ligaments have NOT gotten stronger. Science and drugs have helped our musculature skip an way ahead in their evolution, which has not been the case elsewhere in our bodies. At least, that's my theory. Someday I think the rest of our body will evolve and catch-up. But by that time, middle linebackers may be able to shoot laser-beams out of their eyes.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Walmart finally shortens up those check-out lines

I'm actually quite disappointed in the Internet for the less-than-stellar image results for "Angry black man". I'm also surprised that it isn't a Wu-Tang song.

Anyway, race always sells. And me, a white guy from suburban Pittsburgh breaking down all of this blackness for you? Oh man, that's what the Internet is all about. So I'm going to wade right into the middle of this race-fest.

Sunday evening, tragedy struck a Walmart store in beautiful Washington Township, NJ, which is named after Leon Washington. Everybody was minding their own business, taking advantage of the laws of supply and demand and picking up some cheap black Barbies, when a man took over the PA system and racial bigotry ensued:

A male voice came over the public-address system Sunday evening at a store in Washington Township, in southern New Jersey, and calmly announced: "Attention, Walmart customers: All black people, leave the store now."

Whoa! That's insensitive, random prankster! Walmart's insufficient response suggested that they financed the entire operation.

Shoppers in the store at the time said a manager quickly got on the public-address system and apologized for the remark. And while it was unclear whether a rogue patron or an employee was responsible for the comment, many customers expressed their anger to store management.

Jeez, black people. What do you want them to do? No crime was committed. It was obviously some rogue customer getting access to the PA system. Do you want them to protect the phones with fingerprint recognition? Do you want free white Barbies? What do you want?

I know, let's send the media in to blow this whole thing up and really give us an insight into the current state of race relations! That will make everyone happy and we'll all learn a valuable lesson!

Step one in the media handbook for incidents like these: locate angry black people.

"I want to know why such statements are being made, because it flies in the face of what we teach our children about tolerance for all," said Sheila Ellington, who was in the store at the time with a friend. "If this was meant to be a prank, there's only one person laughing, and it's not either one of us."

Let me answer that for you, Sheila...because some people think it's funny. Because no amount of racial sensitivity training in the world will stop certain people from thinking it's funny. It's a joke. Worse racial jokes appear in stand-up routines all the time and people freaking ROFL all over the place. We teach our children that white and black people are not different and that we are all human and that we all have rights and that black people aren't going to just rape your children when they get bored and yada yada. Are you suggesting that the culprit in this prank may have learned this joke from his 5th grade teacher? This is not racial intolerance. It's a damn joke. Racial intolerance is when the Washington Township city council says that you have to use a separate water fountain.

Ellington, of Monroe, and her friend Patricia Covington said they plan to boycott the retailer until they're assured the issue has been addressed so it doesn't happen again.

The pair said they were stunned when they heard the announcement and initially believed they had misheard it. But once the words sank in, they grew angry.

"I depended on Walmart for all my needs, because the store has pretty much everything you could want," Covington said. "But until this issue is addressed in a way I'm comfortable with, I can't walk through those doors again."

What in the horsefuck do you want them to do? Provide racial sensitivity training to everyone that walks in the door? Change the passcode on their PA system daily? This is WALMART. Things are cheap there because they pay the employees in Haitian gourdes. So the code is going to get out. The only way to stop this from happening is to only allow black people to shop in the store. Because then, even if they make the same joke, at least it will be coming from another black person.
But, whatever, Walmart. Gotta satisfy your customers. Your move.

Officials with Wal-MartStores Inc., based in Bentonville, Ark., said that the announcement was "unacceptable" and that they're trying to determine who made it and how it happened.
"We are just as appalled by this incident as our customers," the company said in a statement. "Whoever did this is just wrong and acted in an inappropriate manner. Clearly, this is completely unacceptable to us and to our customers."

Why? Why are they wasting their time? Let me fix this for you, Walmart, free of charge. This incident happened because some people out there make insensitive jokes. I'm one of them myself. And here's how it happened...the PA system has a code you can press that will allow you access, in case, say, an employee needs to call a manager to the condoms aisle. Well...ok, I know that no one would shop in that aisle in the black Walmart, but you know what I mean. To fix this, you'll have to restrict access to employees only, maybe through some kind of card that needs swiped or maybe through a program that can recognize a voice or maybe through dick scanning technology or something of that sort. And this will cost you some money, but you can make it back by raising the price of black Barbie.

Otherwise, you will run the risk of this incident repeating itself through copycat pranksters. One great way to ensure this is to keep talking to the Associated Press about it.

There have been several past instances of black customers claiming they were treated unfairly at Walmart stores, and the company faced lawsuits alleging that women were passed over in favor of men for pay raises and promotions.

In February 2009, the retailer paid $17.5 million to settle a class action lawsuit alleging racial discrimination in its hiring of truck drivers.

And the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission sued the company in May 2009, claiming some Hispanic employees at a Sam's Club subsidiary in California were subjected to a hostile work environment. That suit alleges managers failed to stop repeated verbal harassment, including the use of derogatory words, against employees of Mexican descent.

All many times more racist/sexist/etc than this isolated incident that had fuckall to do with Walmart itself. This kind of reporting is why we all think that Lyle Alzado died from steroids and that Julius Caesar didn't fuck dudes in water fountains.

However, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People has said the company has worked hard in recent years to show it cares about diversity.

Yeah, they probably grew tired of being sued all the time. More angry black people, please:

Bill Mitchell, a former Walmart employee who was shopping Wednesday at the store, said that he was saddened to hear about the announcement but that "as a black man, I've heard worse things."

Yeah, starting with "anything actually hateful". As a white man, I've heard worse things. As a motherfucking human, I've heard worse things. Media, can we find a non-angry black person or would that go against your creed?

As customer Sharon Osbourne, of Williamstown, left the store Wednesday, she called the announcement "appalling, stupid and sad."

Guess not. Listen, black people can be pissed all they want, and maybe I don't get it because I'm not black and can't grow dreads and all that but, I'm gonna say it. Lighten up, black people. Or AT LEAST don't blame Walmart for this one. Save that blame for next month when they pay Mexican employees in flour.

The reactions by the AP to this story and from the parties involved say more to me about current race relations than any sensitivity class could.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

More manatee rape

One mistake I've made here involved linking images directly from Google searches. You know, I'll write something about tits, search Google for tits, use that picture, and then have nothing but hits from people who Google-searched for tits and came disappointed as hell to this site. Probably looking for something like double penetration or jizz lattes or something like that and ending up reading some retarded diatribe about Braylon Edwards.

Well, one of those mistakes involves manatees. More specifically, manatee rape. That was from June of 2008. Almost two years ago, although it's quite topical as rape is my theme for this month. It makes no sense. I don't know why I wrote it. It probably took all of 20 minutes. It's not very good. Yet, the mere thought of treating a fucked-up sea abortion that is the manatee in any manner outside of revering it as if it sat to the left of Jesus Christ himself opens one up to a vicious berating from one of the Internet's finest.

The first was from June 28 of that year. From "zeutraca", which refers to an ancient Alexandrian dish consisting of cocktail shrimp covered in zebra pubes:

Manatees are glorious creatures that should be respected. Had you been more creative with the styles of raping, i might allow you to pat yourself on the back. Not nearly enough creativity went into this.. the RPS was decent. And easier than an alabama teenager? Wow. Pretty easy then,right? Wrong. Lets get off this stereotype that southern states are the slum of the u.s. You are a d bag.. sucks doesn't it?

Manatees can suck me. Do you respect all creatures, zeutraca? What do you do for the manatees? Really, what do you do? Anything? Because me drawing MS Paint pictures of raped manatees does fuckall to counter the "save the manatees" efforts. No manatees were harmed in the making of those pictures. They were drawn in paint. And this is obvious, as no manatee looks even half as good as they do in those pictures.

As far as the Southern states being the slums of the U.S. are concerned...they are. Let's lean on our friend "statistics":

# 1   Mississippi:
# 2   Louisiana:
# 3   New Mexico:
# 4   District of Columbia:
= 5   Arkansas:
= 5   West Virginia:
# 7   Kentucky:
# 8   Texas:
# 9   Alabama:
# 10   South Carolina:

 That is from this site and ranks states by percentage of residents below poverty level. However, that is just a quick by-the-book check against the term "slums of the U.S.". Let's look at teenage pregnancy rates by state:

States ranked by rates of pregnancy among women age 15-19 (pregnancies per thousand):

  1. Nevada (113)
  2. Arizona (104)
  3. Mississippi (103)
  4. New Mexico (103)
  5. Texas (101)
  6. Florida (97)
  7. California (96)
  8. Georgia (95)
  9. North Carolina (95)
  10. Arkansas (93)
States ranked by rates of live births among women age 15-19 (births per thousand):

  1. Mississippi (71)
  2. Texas (69)
  3. Arizona (67)
  4. Arkansas (66)
  5. New Mexico (66)
  6. Georgia (63)
  7. Louisiana (62)
  8. Nevada (61)
  9. Alabama (61)
  10. Oklahoma (60)

Obviously, the numbers are biased as well. The reasons stereotypes exist is because they are usually true to some degree. And in this case, they certainly are. Teenagers in Southern states will fuck anything they see regardless of species and probably get it pregnant. And if you are wondering, I live in Florida and I know first-hand just how indescribable the South is. Does that mean that everybody in the South is a pregnant teenager and nobody can read and write? Of course not. But you'd have to not be a complete retard to realize that.

Anyway, the real reason for this post is that I received an email alerting me to this comment today:

 You are a sick fuck. this is not funny its discusting, do u really have nothing better to do than make up some sick shit about an endangered species. i hope someone rapes you and runs you over with their car you perverted piece of shit. And if u want to post "jokes" than find sumthing at least half amusing that will appeal to someone other than confused an angry hicks. what did your daddy touch you and now your showing your anger through pathedic talentless halfass attempts at cartoons and what you think is witty comments. News flash YOUR NOT FUNNY. you are cruel to even joke about something so vulgar. All jokes are derived from truth so you must be pretty fuck up in the head. honestly animal abuse is something people should burn in hell for and joking about it ...its not much different. Hope you grow up, get a life and go see a shrink or something.

Thanks, "Asimian Kortex". Thanks for your wise, misspelled words. It is discusting, and no, I didn't have anything better to do than make up something completely irrelevant about an endangered species. By definition, if anyone has something better they could be doing, they will typically do that thing. And would this have all been ok if it weren't an endangered species? Like, can we rape deer? If only deer swam into the path of boats all the time and endangered themselves, then we could treat them with respect, too.

I see you mentioned "confused an angry hicks", Mr./Mrs. Kortex. Bad move, as you've already lost zeutraca and all of her pregnant daughters. You also mentioned that all jokes are based on truth (which is so patently ridiculous that it merits it's own topic) immediately after talking about fathers touching their kids inappropriately. So I'm sorry that you had to go through that at a young age...must be a very difficult ordeal to place on the shoulders of a young child. I can see that it also strongly inhibited development in the part of your brain that processes grammatical information. Child abuse is something that people should burn in hell for even joking about. Wait...no, my bad. Animal abuse is. My bad. Child abuse is cool. I keep confusing the two.

One day I will get a life. I will stop talking about raping manatees with Buicks. I will make a difference in this world, 24/7. I will not sleep as long as there are Philippino children that I could be circumcising for peace. But until that day, fuck manatees and fuck people that worship them, too.

I hope a manatee date rapes both of you.

Friday, March 12, 2010

More Tebow jazz

Yes, people are still at it. This is the ORLANDO SENTINEL, a legit newspaper, showing its liberal bias:

Reports surfaced over the weekend that Tim Tebow would work outt for the Seattle Seahawks and Buffalo Bills, both teams without a long-term solution at quarterback.
But the Pittsburgh Steelers might be a great fit for Tim Tebow, which Bleacher Report has pointed out.
Consider the environment Tebow would enter if the Steelers used their 18th selection in April’s NFL draft on Tebow:

*For all of Ben Roethlisberger’s on-field success, a second sexual assault allegation in as many years unveils a troubling pattern in Roethlisberger’s life, innocent or not. Guy’s just not being smart about his career and the positions in which he places himself. Why not draft an image-conscious quarterback such as Tim Tebow who, if anything else, could provide guidance to the two-time Super Bowl winner. It also shows the organization has not taken the Roethlisberger’s situation lightly.
*The Steelers are a hard-nosed team that knows how to win. Suits Tebow’s  identity perfectly. He belongs in a winning culture.
*Tebow is similar to Roethlisberger in many ways. Roethlisberger has the much better arm, but they both aren’t considered textbook quarterbacks.  They just get the job done. The two could be good for each other.
What do you think? Good fit?

What do I think? Good fit? Great fit? Similar players? I can't say NO loudly enough.

- Tebow and Ben are NOT similar in many ways. They are both big guys. That's it. Tebow's a much better runner. But Ben can actually throw a ball. They aren't considered textbook QBs? Maybe not. But in Roethlisberger's case, it's because he can shake a lot of sack attempts at the expense of holding onto the ball too long and making slower reads. In Tebow's case, he is not textbook because HE CANNOT THROW THE BALL!

- Tebow is not going in the first round. The Steelers would be blowing their first round pick by selecting Tebow here. They aren't going to do that, regardless of how many young boys Tebow circumcises.

- Tebow "belongs" in a winning culture? Fuck, anybody who goes to Florida is willingly joining a juggernaut. They aren't stumbling upon a decent football program that turns them into winners.

- Tebow is not going to bring guidance to Roethlisberger. That's one of the dumbest things I've ever read. Ben is going to have his life changed only by a 22-year old kid on an apparent mission trip to Pittsburgh? Fuck and no. Tebow is not "image-conscious". That suggests that he is like a marketing firm that constructs his image in a way that makes him look better than he is. He's just a guy who really loves Jesus and actually leads a morally pious life (for all that we know, at least). Ben is not that guy. Tebow is not going to make him that guy. This would be like thinking your DBs would get faster if they were coached by Deion Sanders. I'd leave that in the hands of the strength and conditioning coaches.

- Tebow sucks at throwing footballs.

- The Steelers need a QB that can throw footballs.

Look, the Steelers already have Tebow. His name is Dennis Dixon. Dixon is fast. He can run. He came from a college team that won. He is light-years ahead of Tebow at ball throwing. He does not rape. He is better than Tebow. The Steelers do not need Tebow.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Let's not get carried away

A guy named Nick Signorelli wrote an article at Bleacher Report suggesting that the Steelers pull the plug on the Bensperiment (which gives an anecdotal answer of "two" to the age-old "how many rapes does it take?" question in the NFL) and, through a series of moves, eventually end up with devil-worshipper Tim Tebow as their QB. With the 18th pick of the draft. Tebow. Fucking. Tebow. And since I'm lazy, I stole his image as well.

Now, Bleacher Report is just a collection of random fans who write articles about their teams. It's nothing more. So I don't expect much from them. But, as this is official rapeweek here at YLOTILAB, I'm going to continue on with the theme. And drafting Tebow is just asinine. Because the crux of his argument is:

And make no mistake about it, with Tim Tebow, we will NEVER be hearing of him out drinking and partying, and things along those lines. Tebow is a proud Christian, and has even abstained from sex until this point in his life, because he believes in waiting for his wife.

Holy mother of Tebow. Pam, I guess. Whatever. Point is, that would be the most egregious example of overcompensation in recorded human history. Ben got drunk and raped again. Tebow doesn't even touch beer! He never parties! God. He also sucks at QB, and the main goal of a football team when searching for a QB is to get a guy who is good at QB-ing. So, let's compare Tebow with other options. First, let's list all NFL QBs who haven't been accused of multiple rapings:


Now, let's look at incoming college QBs who haven't raped people:


So why Tebow? Is rape becoming a fad amongst QBs these days? Ben isn't an outlier? The Steelers have to go after the least rapey players they can find now?

Another suggestion involves this:

The next thing they need to do is to make a call to the Seattle Seahawks. With the aging Matt Hasselbeck, Pete Carroll could trade his first two first round picks for Big Ben and immediately upgrade his team.
If the Seahawks are not interested then make a call to the Washington Redskins, who will become favorites to win the NFC East with Big Ben under center.

Uh...why don't they just keep him then? If he's such a toxic asset that he must be moved, who in the fuck is going to give up two first rounders for him? Has Ben raped-out his welcome in Pittsburgh? Maybe he has. But are the fans of the team that trades for him blind? Are they just going to dismiss it? Sure worked well with Michael Vick.

The Steelers will then announce that Charlie Batch has been resigned to a three year contract extension, and that the Steelers are interested in drafting Colt McCoy in the second round with the other pick that they got from the Skins or Hawks.

Charlie Batch is done. Look, if Ben is in fact not an option, my Plan A is to roll with Dixon. He was an absolute steal in the 4th round in 2008 and he impressed me with his play last year in his first ever start in Baltimore. That's a hell of a draw. And Dixon almost pulled that game out. I love what he can do back there.We don't need the shell of Charlie Batch or the moxie of Colt McCoy. Or the Jesus-powers of Tebow. We need a fucking quarterback.

Tebow would be able to come in, as did Roethlisberger did in his rookie season, and be along for the ride. Then he can grow into the player, or one comparable to the one, that Roethlisberger is.

Ben Roethlisberger is, without too much hyperbole, probably one of the better QBs of all-motherfucking-time. The stats and the results don't lie. He's put up great numbers with a piss-poor OL and he's still only 27. Or maybe 28. Still. Just approaching what should be his prime. Thinking Tebow, who many are projecting to become an epic flameout, will even be HALF the NFL QB that Ben Roethlisberger is is just...I think it's one of the dumbest football plans I've ever heard.

I don't care about how ethical Tebow is. This suggestion is crystal methical. If Ben gets convicted, he's going to jail and no one's trading for him. If not, he's going to play and you might as well keep him regardless of how much he rapes. He's that good at that important of a position.

Tebow at 18. God. If you want Tebow so badly, fatten Dixon up so that he slows down and then drug him and completely skullfuck his passing mechanics. Then you can trade that 18th pick for David Carr.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Is Ben raping his way out of the QB elite?


So, Ben Roethlisberger loves to rape. We've all gotten this by now, in light of his second raping in as many years. And yes, I know it was sexual assault and not rape, per se. Nor do I care.

While Ben's propensity to rape is getting to be a bit much, at least it gives other people stuff to write about. And that in turn gives me something to write about. I give you "Ben Roethlisberger's stupid behavior justifies NY Giants' choice in 2004 draft", by Gary Myers.

Ben Roethlisberger may lead Eli Manning 2-1 in Super Bowl rings, but the argument is forever closed whether the Giants would have been better off with Big Ben.

That all depends on whether you are building football teams or filming anti-rape PSAs. As I'm assuming you mean football teams, I strongly disagree with you, your story and every move you've made to this point in your life.

At the very least, Roethlisberger is an immature knucklehead who puts himself in bad situations and continually humiliates the Steelers, one of the NFL's cornerstone franchises.

And at the very worst, he's a rapey rape-machine who wakes up in the morning with nothing but rape on his mind. He's also far better than Eli Manning, who wouldn't rape anything, including an opposing secondary.

In the worst-case scenario, and we're not passing judgment on an ongoing investigation, he has a big problem after being accused last week of sexual assault for the second time in less than one year.

Being worse than Eli Manning is not and likely never will be one of his problems, though. If Ben rapes Santonio Holmes tonight, gets a 5-year prison sentence and is banned from the NFL when his rapey-ass gets out at age 33 or whatever, he'll still be a far better draft choice than Eli Manning ever was. Because he's better at football and doesn't have to throw passes at his WRs helmets to prove it.

The Big Ben vs. Eli argument has been going on for six years now, ever since the Giants traded for Manning and passed on Roethlisberger in the 2004 draft. If the Giants were not able to make the trade, they would have drafted Roethlisberger.

Luckily, though, they got the trade and were able to immediately pay big money to a guy who has amassed a 76 or so career QB rating. So far, the only person he's raped has been Asante Samuel's nightmares after Samuel dropped the INT that would have sealed SB XLII.

Who is the better player? Too much time left in their careers to make that call right now. But one thing will forever be in Manning's favor: The Giants never have to worry about phone calls in the middle of the night.

No. There is not too much time left in their careers. Ben Roethlisberger is better by just about every conceivable metric that can be used to compare QBs. Here are their career numbers:

Ben Rapelisraper: 63.3% completion for 19,307 yards, 8.0 yards/att, 127 TDs to 81 INT and a 97.1 rating
Classy Classing:  57% completion for 18,644 yards, 6.7 yards/att, 125 TDs to 88 INTs and a 79.2 rating

Not even taking into account the fact that Ben's O-Lines have been garbage at best and jizz-filled sacks of fuckrape at worst, his output has certainly exceeded that of Manning. But go onnnnnn...

He is stable and grounded, he's married and despite his celebrity status as a Super Bowl champion in New York, he hasn't been involved in one incident since he arrived.

Oh, he's married! I had failed to take that into account, because I was only judging their football playing abilities. Silly me. Ok, Gary...you got me. If I have to pick either Eli Manning or Ben Roethlisraper to babysit my kid (I don't have one yet since I'm not married which may cloud my judgment in your mind but bear with me), I'll take Eli. Hell, I'll take Eli if I'm forming a flag-football team comprised of 7-year old kids that gets one NFL QB to call the signals. However, if I'm forming an NFL team and I need a QB to throw passes to other rapists who aren't married and smoke weed and stick crystal meth in their dicks and all that jazz, I'm taking Ben. I'll obviously be taking a lawyer in round 2.

Roethlisberger, meanwhile, has become a nightmare.

For those that follow the national rape circuit, yes. Yes he has. You know what they say...Super Bowl rings are nice, but you can't put them on your cock while you're raping a chick!

Six months after becoming the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl following his second season, Roethlisberger nearly killed himself in a brutal motorcycle wreck in Pittsburgh. He was not wearing a helmet despite warnings from then-Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

Disobeying noted motorcross expert was one of the biggest mistakes of Ben's young life. And Gary Myers would certainly have a point, had Ben died from these injuries. But he didn't. Soooooo I'll try to accept the fact that he rides in the face of Bill Cowher's warnings. Go Eli!

He flew over the handlebars and into the windshield of a car. He broke his nose and jaw and had a nine-inch cut in the back of his head. He later said paramedics told him he was seconds away from dying because of a severed vein or artery that was draining blood into his stomach. Being a daredevil is not the best way to have a long NFL career or even make it to 30 years old.

But here we are, talking about a guy who survived a motorcycle wreck and is still playing NFL football. He must be invincible! At least he didn't rape any of the paramedics.

Last summer, Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel worker who claims he raped her in 2008. He denied the claim. The woman never filed a criminal complaint, and the civil case is ongoing.

Then he went out and totally threw for a metric fuckton of yards!

That alleged incident should have been the wakeup call in Roethlisberger's life. Whatever happened in Lake Tahoe should have been the warning that perhaps a quiet dinner or a night at home was a better alternative for one of the NFL's most recognizable players.

GUH. Now you're chapping my balls, Gary. Really chapping my balls. I'll get around to this tomorrow, maybe. If I have the willpower. But for cock's sake, stop with this retarded suggestion, people. "Hey, 27-year old man, what are you doing out at night! Fucking stay home and watch 60 Minutes before some chick accuses you of rape!". No. Fuck. That. Ben either raped this chick or he didn't. Just because chicks want him to rape them doesn't mean he should be barred from going out in public. These women should be jailed. And if they are not lying and he did rape them, then it's not so much that he should stay and home as opposed to the fact that he should STOP RAPING PEOPLE.

Instead, he was hanging out with college girls at a bar in Georgia last week.

Well OM fucking G.

He has a $102 million contract and risking it should be enough motivation to slow down. He has been accused by a 20-year-old college student in Milledgeville, Ga., of sexual assault at a club late Thursday night/early Friday morning. The Steelers have not commented, but you know this conservative organization is incredibly embarrassed as its star quarterback can't stop making headlines for all the wrong reasons.

He risks it by raping, not by being out. See, there are a lot of things that you can do during a day that can risk your health. Like, driving a car. I bet Eli Manning drives a car. What if he drives it to a rape-den? What now?

Also, everybody needs to forget the "Steelers are above this!!!" nonsense. Santonio Holmes beats women. James Harrison beats women. As long as they remain awesome, they will remain gainfully employed by the organization. Because the Steelers are in the business of winning football games, not winning Lady Byng trophies.

Why would Roethlisberger, who turned 28 on March 2, be hanging out at Capital City, a popular spot for students at Georgia College and State University? He has been in the NFL for six years and he's spending his night at a college bar? Milledgeville is 85 miles southeast of Atlanta and about 30 miles from a home Roethlisberger owns on Lake Oconee in Greensboro, Ga.

Irrelevant. It's a place where 18+ year olds, like Ben Roethlisberger, can congregate if they wish. There's no "one rape minimum" or anything like that. Methinks that Gary Myers would be fucking SHOCKED if he knew some of the stuff that athletes do with women many years their juniors. Things that would make his head explode, like jizz waterboarding.

According to details in an Associated Press story, Roethlisberger started out Thursday night at Buffington's bar to watch the Pitt men's basketball game with friends. One of the bar patrons said Roethlisberger bought shots for him and others called "O-Bombs," a mix of an energy drink and rum.

This isn't even relevant to my Generic Energy Drink Corner, let alone a story about rape.

He and his buddies were then spotted at The Brick restaurant from 11:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m, and then they were at Capital City. One 21-year-old woman said she and a few friends were in the VIP area with Roethlisberger and he was disappointed all she wanted was to have her picture taken with him. She claimed Roethlisberger called her an expletive. The woman said he then was aggressively hitting on another girl.

She probably was a fucking expletive! Hey bitch, suck my dick or get that camera out of here! Yes, we get it. Ben Roethlisberger is a douche. A douche that throws much more accurate passes than Eli Manning.

Deputy Police Chief Richard Malone said Roethlisberger's group was mingling with the group that included the woman who claimed he sexually assaulted her. The police were contacted and she and Roethlisberger were interviewed. She was treated and released from the hospital.

Are you still comparing Ben to Eli or are you just play-by-playing the rape now? What the fuck happened, Gary? Get on track. We get it. Ben raped a chick. We want to know why that makes Eli the better draft pick, not which hole Ben put it in.

Not much good happens after midnight, even in small towns. Nobody is saying Roethlisberger should become a recluse, but when you win two Super Bowls, you lose privacy and you certainly are not above the law.

Absolutely. Anyone who has not won two Super Bowls (like Eli), however, should feel free to rape at will.

He threw one of the great passes in Super Bowl history to Santonio Holmes to beat the Cardinals just 13 months ago. He has been beloved in Pittsburgh. Even if gets himself out of this latest mess, the way Roethlisberger is going, the next one may not be far behind.

And until he rapes his way out of the league, I'll take Ben over Eli.

If he rapes his way into the UFL, I'll still take past Ben over past Eli many years down the road. Unless Eli does something crazy, like drastically improve his ability to play American football.