Monday, March 8, 2010

Is Ben raping his way out of the QB elite?


So, Ben Roethlisberger loves to rape. We've all gotten this by now, in light of his second raping in as many years. And yes, I know it was sexual assault and not rape, per se. Nor do I care.

While Ben's propensity to rape is getting to be a bit much, at least it gives other people stuff to write about. And that in turn gives me something to write about. I give you "Ben Roethlisberger's stupid behavior justifies NY Giants' choice in 2004 draft", by Gary Myers.

Ben Roethlisberger may lead Eli Manning 2-1 in Super Bowl rings, but the argument is forever closed whether the Giants would have been better off with Big Ben.

That all depends on whether you are building football teams or filming anti-rape PSAs. As I'm assuming you mean football teams, I strongly disagree with you, your story and every move you've made to this point in your life.

At the very least, Roethlisberger is an immature knucklehead who puts himself in bad situations and continually humiliates the Steelers, one of the NFL's cornerstone franchises.

And at the very worst, he's a rapey rape-machine who wakes up in the morning with nothing but rape on his mind. He's also far better than Eli Manning, who wouldn't rape anything, including an opposing secondary.

In the worst-case scenario, and we're not passing judgment on an ongoing investigation, he has a big problem after being accused last week of sexual assault for the second time in less than one year.

Being worse than Eli Manning is not and likely never will be one of his problems, though. If Ben rapes Santonio Holmes tonight, gets a 5-year prison sentence and is banned from the NFL when his rapey-ass gets out at age 33 or whatever, he'll still be a far better draft choice than Eli Manning ever was. Because he's better at football and doesn't have to throw passes at his WRs helmets to prove it.

The Big Ben vs. Eli argument has been going on for six years now, ever since the Giants traded for Manning and passed on Roethlisberger in the 2004 draft. If the Giants were not able to make the trade, they would have drafted Roethlisberger.

Luckily, though, they got the trade and were able to immediately pay big money to a guy who has amassed a 76 or so career QB rating. So far, the only person he's raped has been Asante Samuel's nightmares after Samuel dropped the INT that would have sealed SB XLII.

Who is the better player? Too much time left in their careers to make that call right now. But one thing will forever be in Manning's favor: The Giants never have to worry about phone calls in the middle of the night.

No. There is not too much time left in their careers. Ben Roethlisberger is better by just about every conceivable metric that can be used to compare QBs. Here are their career numbers:

Ben Rapelisraper: 63.3% completion for 19,307 yards, 8.0 yards/att, 127 TDs to 81 INT and a 97.1 rating
Classy Classing:  57% completion for 18,644 yards, 6.7 yards/att, 125 TDs to 88 INTs and a 79.2 rating

Not even taking into account the fact that Ben's O-Lines have been garbage at best and jizz-filled sacks of fuckrape at worst, his output has certainly exceeded that of Manning. But go onnnnnn...

He is stable and grounded, he's married and despite his celebrity status as a Super Bowl champion in New York, he hasn't been involved in one incident since he arrived.

Oh, he's married! I had failed to take that into account, because I was only judging their football playing abilities. Silly me. Ok, got me. If I have to pick either Eli Manning or Ben Roethlisraper to babysit my kid (I don't have one yet since I'm not married which may cloud my judgment in your mind but bear with me), I'll take Eli. Hell, I'll take Eli if I'm forming a flag-football team comprised of 7-year old kids that gets one NFL QB to call the signals. However, if I'm forming an NFL team and I need a QB to throw passes to other rapists who aren't married and smoke weed and stick crystal meth in their dicks and all that jazz, I'm taking Ben. I'll obviously be taking a lawyer in round 2.

Roethlisberger, meanwhile, has become a nightmare.

For those that follow the national rape circuit, yes. Yes he has. You know what they say...Super Bowl rings are nice, but you can't put them on your cock while you're raping a chick!

Six months after becoming the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl following his second season, Roethlisberger nearly killed himself in a brutal motorcycle wreck in Pittsburgh. He was not wearing a helmet despite warnings from then-Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

Disobeying noted motorcross expert was one of the biggest mistakes of Ben's young life. And Gary Myers would certainly have a point, had Ben died from these injuries. But he didn't. Soooooo I'll try to accept the fact that he rides in the face of Bill Cowher's warnings. Go Eli!

He flew over the handlebars and into the windshield of a car. He broke his nose and jaw and had a nine-inch cut in the back of his head. He later said paramedics told him he was seconds away from dying because of a severed vein or artery that was draining blood into his stomach. Being a daredevil is not the best way to have a long NFL career or even make it to 30 years old.

But here we are, talking about a guy who survived a motorcycle wreck and is still playing NFL football. He must be invincible! At least he didn't rape any of the paramedics.

Last summer, Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel worker who claims he raped her in 2008. He denied the claim. The woman never filed a criminal complaint, and the civil case is ongoing.

Then he went out and totally threw for a metric fuckton of yards!

That alleged incident should have been the wakeup call in Roethlisberger's life. Whatever happened in Lake Tahoe should have been the warning that perhaps a quiet dinner or a night at home was a better alternative for one of the NFL's most recognizable players.

GUH. Now you're chapping my balls, Gary. Really chapping my balls. I'll get around to this tomorrow, maybe. If I have the willpower. But for cock's sake, stop with this retarded suggestion, people. "Hey, 27-year old man, what are you doing out at night! Fucking stay home and watch 60 Minutes before some chick accuses you of rape!". No. Fuck. That. Ben either raped this chick or he didn't. Just because chicks want him to rape them doesn't mean he should be barred from going out in public. These women should be jailed. And if they are not lying and he did rape them, then it's not so much that he should stay and home as opposed to the fact that he should STOP RAPING PEOPLE.

Instead, he was hanging out with college girls at a bar in Georgia last week.

Well OM fucking G.

He has a $102 million contract and risking it should be enough motivation to slow down. He has been accused by a 20-year-old college student in Milledgeville, Ga., of sexual assault at a club late Thursday night/early Friday morning. The Steelers have not commented, but you know this conservative organization is incredibly embarrassed as its star quarterback can't stop making headlines for all the wrong reasons.

He risks it by raping, not by being out. See, there are a lot of things that you can do during a day that can risk your health. Like, driving a car. I bet Eli Manning drives a car. What if he drives it to a rape-den? What now?

Also, everybody needs to forget the "Steelers are above this!!!" nonsense. Santonio Holmes beats women. James Harrison beats women. As long as they remain awesome, they will remain gainfully employed by the organization. Because the Steelers are in the business of winning football games, not winning Lady Byng trophies.

Why would Roethlisberger, who turned 28 on March 2, be hanging out at Capital City, a popular spot for students at Georgia College and State University? He has been in the NFL for six years and he's spending his night at a college bar? Milledgeville is 85 miles southeast of Atlanta and about 30 miles from a home Roethlisberger owns on Lake Oconee in Greensboro, Ga.

Irrelevant. It's a place where 18+ year olds, like Ben Roethlisberger, can congregate if they wish. There's no "one rape minimum" or anything like that. Methinks that Gary Myers would be fucking SHOCKED if he knew some of the stuff that athletes do with women many years their juniors. Things that would make his head explode, like jizz waterboarding.

According to details in an Associated Press story, Roethlisberger started out Thursday night at Buffington's bar to watch the Pitt men's basketball game with friends. One of the bar patrons said Roethlisberger bought shots for him and others called "O-Bombs," a mix of an energy drink and rum.

This isn't even relevant to my Generic Energy Drink Corner, let alone a story about rape.

He and his buddies were then spotted at The Brick restaurant from 11:30 p.m.-1:30 a.m, and then they were at Capital City. One 21-year-old woman said she and a few friends were in the VIP area with Roethlisberger and he was disappointed all she wanted was to have her picture taken with him. She claimed Roethlisberger called her an expletive. The woman said he then was aggressively hitting on another girl.

She probably was a fucking expletive! Hey bitch, suck my dick or get that camera out of here! Yes, we get it. Ben Roethlisberger is a douche. A douche that throws much more accurate passes than Eli Manning.

Deputy Police Chief Richard Malone said Roethlisberger's group was mingling with the group that included the woman who claimed he sexually assaulted her. The police were contacted and she and Roethlisberger were interviewed. She was treated and released from the hospital.

Are you still comparing Ben to Eli or are you just play-by-playing the rape now? What the fuck happened, Gary? Get on track. We get it. Ben raped a chick. We want to know why that makes Eli the better draft pick, not which hole Ben put it in.

Not much good happens after midnight, even in small towns. Nobody is saying Roethlisberger should become a recluse, but when you win two Super Bowls, you lose privacy and you certainly are not above the law.

Absolutely. Anyone who has not won two Super Bowls (like Eli), however, should feel free to rape at will.

He threw one of the great passes in Super Bowl history to Santonio Holmes to beat the Cardinals just 13 months ago. He has been beloved in Pittsburgh. Even if gets himself out of this latest mess, the way Roethlisberger is going, the next one may not be far behind.

And until he rapes his way out of the league, I'll take Ben over Eli.

If he rapes his way into the UFL, I'll still take past Ben over past Eli many years down the road. Unless Eli does something crazy, like drastically improve his ability to play American football.


Grumpy said...

You just dismantled a supposed "mainstream" journalist, paragraph by paragraph. Best. Post. Ever.

Vern said...

There's no way this guy is anything special. I have no idea where he was going with this.

Pay per head said...

hahaha I gotta agree with Grumpy who commented on here, you totally dismantled a supposed "mainstream" journalist, and I loved it! :D