By Pubes McCafferty
PITTSBURGH, PA - The usually cold and docile winter in this working-class city has been heating up as of recent over criminal allegations levied against players from its once-proud football team.
Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Santonio Holmes is the latest player to play the role of defendant, as he is the target of a civil suit by a Florida woman claiming that he threw a full glass at her in the VIP section of an Orlando nightclub on March 7, causing a laceration under her eye. She claims that Holmes, along with help from the Orlando Police, used his NFL cachet to dissuade her from pressing criminal charges at the time.
All of this has team president Art Rooney II livid.
"Yeah, I'm fucking thrilled about this", Rooney II said sarcastically. "This is fucking great. This is just what we fucking needed right now".
When pushed for comments on Holmes' upcoming contract negotiations, Rooney II continued with the sarcastic responses.
"Yeah, let's make him the highest-paid fucking woman beater in this entire fucking league. And that's saying something with all of these dickheads punching their fucking whores all the time. This reflects really fucking well on our league and our team. This is Pittsburgh fucking Steeler football right here".
"I'm sure Jack Ham is fucking loving this shit", Rooney II continued. "I know Mean Joe Greene is eating this up. This is what those guys built. They intended for the Pittsburgh Steelers to eventually turn into an organized fucking crime syndicate", he said, dripping with more sarcasm as he went along.
"Rod Woodson's gotta be fucking loving this, too. And the fucking coaching staff. I bet Dick LeBeau's dick is hard over this shit".
Rooney II then taunted the assembled media for even asking for his opinion.
"So, now you goatfuckers know what I'm thinking. I'm sure it would have been real fucking hard for everybody to imagine how I'd react to this without actually fucking asking me these retard fucking questions. So, do any of you fucking idiots have anything else you'd like to know? Do you want me to start sucking your dicks just to show how fucking happy I am that my entire team is out raping and fucking woman-beating?".
Rooney II then stormed out of the room without sucking any dicks. A phone call to a team spokesman asking for further comment was not returned.
4 comments:
I love your blog so much.
This was epic... great work!
Look who's back!
Oh, and thanks, Daniel. I've been out of it.
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