Monday, December 29, 2008

Rap monologues

I love rap monologues. You know, the parts at the beginning or end of a song where the rapper comes on and gives a barely coherent speech about nothing in particular in raptalk? You know raptalk, right? Like, how Young Jeezy can't answer a question about his next CD with something like "yes, I'm very excited for it, and I think it's going to be my best work yet", but instead says something like "yo this Jeezy dog, straight out the A dog reppin' Atlanta, the snowman, them birds fly south for the winter yaheard listen up nigga, I fuck the streets, I actually pull my dick out and physically have intercourse with the streets ya heard you fuckass niggas? Snowman back out the streets need me this hot shit Jeezy, Atlanta, USDA nigga yaheard?". That's rap talk. It's usually barely intelligible and annoying. But, as a freaking gangster, I listen to it.

On my trip home from Orlando this past weekend, I was playing TI's latest CD, "Paper Trail". Paper Trail is one of the few mainstreet rap releases this year that didn't disappoint me, so I must give TI his props even though he is unquestionably the douchiest, fakest looking gangster rapper in mainstream history. Seriously, look at him. Well, in his song "Ready for Whatever", he ends with this rapalogue:

Ey i said listen homeboy
you can talk all you want mayne you know what im sayin
errybody talking to the king you know what im sayin Everybodys entitled to an opinion you know what im sayin
they like escalades errybody got one
but the fact of the matter remain
if yeaint walk a mile in my shoes and yeaint live a day in my life
yeaint survive the shit i done survived
yeaint had to deal wit the shit i had to deal wit homeboy
you cant muf**kin judge me partner
i mean look at folk like sean taylor
you know what they said they said had he had a strap
he woulda lived today
you know what im sayin
now true enough i did wrong i broke the law
i deserve to be punished i understand that ight cool
but listen man i gotta house full of kids
a mama and an old lady who life in my
responsibility you dig that!?
now for all of yall who think i was jus ridin around on some dumb shit
you know im smarter than you man
you know im smarter than you dawg
ey if you think i was just being stupid
shorty i got some muf**kin ocean front property in Idaho for sale homie
if you beleive that i gotta bridge in brooklyn i wanna sell you partnah
ey man real talk in order to understand my train of thoughts
you'll have to put yo self in my position
you cant expect me to think like you cuz my life aint like yours
you know what im sayin? if you dont understand that you dont
understand english im done talking!

Ok. Let's go.

Ey i said listen homeboy
you can talk all you want mayne you know what im sayin
errybody talking to the king you know what im sayin Everybodys entitled to an opinion you know what im sayin
they like escalades errybody got one

I agree. A lot of people do have Escalades now, to the point that they aren't even cool anymore. Point, "The King".

but the fact of the matter remain
if yeaint walk a mile in my shoes and yeaint live a day in my life
yeaint survive the shit i done survived
yeaint had to deal wit the shit i had to deal wit homeboy
you cant muf**kin judge me partner

Oh no. This is where you are wrong. I absolutely can judge you. I can absolutely look at your, what, third firearms-related felony? You were trying to buy three automatic weapons. And silencers for them. In a Walgreen's parking lot. I don't care what you had to deal with, I can surmise from this information that you are probably borderline retarded.

i mean look at folk like sean taylor
you know what they said they said had he had a strap
he woulda lived today
you know what im sayin

No. I don't. Who said that? Could you please point me in the direction of whoever said that? Because I never heard it. Four dudes broke into his house with guns. This isn't Halo...if Sean Taylor starts shooting at them he's probably still dead today.

now true enough i did wrong i broke the law
i deserve to be punished i understand that ight cool

You are getting a year in jail. And community service. It's barely a slap on the wrist.

but listen man i gotta house full of kids
a mama and an old lady who life is my
responsibility you dig that!?

No. I don't dig that. Three silenced automatic guns? Where the fuck do you live, Beirut? Are they Pakistani royalty or something? Were you married to Benazir Bhutto?

now for all of yall who think i was jus ridin around on some dumb shit
you know im smarter than you man
you know im smarter than you dawg

Probably not. I'm pretty sure you are a complete dumbass, actually. You could probably play the lead role in Flowers for Algernon up until the surgery.

ey if you think i was just being stupid
shorty i got some muf**kin ocean front property in Idaho for sale homie

I guess I'm interested? For all I know, you are actually confusing Idaho and the Ivory Coast.

if you beleive that i gotta bridge in brooklyn i wanna sell you partnah

aight will you take trap money dawg?

ey man real talk in order to understand my train of thoughts
you'll have to put yo self in my position

I'm trying. Right now, I've decided to place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell me automatic weapons at the local Walgreen's. No hits thusfar, but I'm optomistic.

you cant expect me to think like you cuz my life aint like yours
you know what im sayin? if you dont understand that you dont
understand english im done talking!

I realize that you live a different life than me. However, I do not realize why you would need three silenced automatic weapons. Please, enlighten me. YOU CANNOT BE DONE TALKING! NO!!!!! NOOOOOO TI!!!!! COME BACK! You come back here and you explain it to me in whatever language I do understand!

Fuck. He left. I'm never going to figure this out.

Travel show!

Hey, Cabrini Green.

I want to pitch an idea for a show to the Travel Channel. They have all these shows with foreign douchebags going to islands and stuff and all that garbage, and homos walking through Europe, etc. etc. Well fuck that. People get tired of that.

For my show, they can just send me to the hood.

I'll go around the world to famous cities and all that jazz. And then I'll just go to the hood. And it will be special. I'll be in the hood. In the hood. In the mothafuckin' hood, yo!!!! Dog, I'll be scorin' mad blow from dealers in Seattle. I will smoke some crack live on the Travel Channel as part of my excursion to Toronto. I will be mugged and actually raped in a travel to the grimy hoods of Pakistan. Raped! On TV! That's ratings gold.

I'm going to find an email address and actually pitch this to the Travel Channel. I hope it works.

Bill Simmons' gaybag

I had thought that people were beginning to tire of Bill Simmons' act. You know, the one where he sits around and pretends that him and his friends are the cool sports fans and they rag on people and they are so funny and everybody wants to be cool and funny like them.

But, much to my surprise, it's even worse than it used to be. These people that idolize this guy are just sad for the most part. And he's all about it. He feeds off of it. It gives him a semi. And we can't have that. So I'm going to answer his mailbag for him.

Q: Worst day ever. I wet the bed. I found out my girlfriend of three years is moving to Arizona. I continue to exist as a Seattle sports fan. And, yes, I really wet the bed. Can you give me a holiday mailbag? Like you, I don't ask for much.
-- Andrew, Seattle

You've got more pressing concerns than whether Bill Simmons is going to share his emails with you or not. Wash your sheets.

Q: I'm 23 years old. I live in Seattle. I have a girlfriend who loves those damn "Twilight" books and promised sex if I agreed to watch the movie with her Friday night. We ended up waiting in line for 45 minutes and the theater was filled with high school females. There were maybe five guys there total, and I was the only one with a girl, so read between the lines there. Once we got home she was too tired to do anything and went to sleep. The next day my alma mater, the University of Washington, loses a double-overtime thriller to Washington State, probably the worst team in collegiate football history. Have I officially hit rock bottom?
-- T. Chan, Seattle

No. If Washington State was the worst team in college football history, the U. of Washington was the second worst and you knew that coming in. Also, you had to watch a gay movie and your girlfriend (who probably weighs more than you) didn't bang you. You think that's rock bottom? The first dude pissed all over his bed and hasn't even washed his sheets yet. OJ Simpson just got sentenced to 18 years in prison for trying to get some football cards back at gunpoint. And you think you have hit rock bottom because you had to watch some gay movie and your fat girlfriend won't fuck you? Tell her there's an entire stick of butter in it for her.

Q: I always wanted to read your Red Sox book but never got around to ordering it. Luckily, I was walking through Big Lots this past weekend and caught it out of the corner of my eye and couldn't pass up the opportunity to get it at $3! If it makes you feel better, it was under a sign that said "Best Sellers." WE CAN BUILD ON THIS!!
-- Marc S., Tuscaloosa, Ala.


Q: You can go back in time and recast one sports movie with actors and actresses from that era. Which movie do you tackle, and what are your casting changes?
-- Corey, Salt Lake City

I don't know. But I'm glad that people really care about my opinion on sports movies. I'd probably cast Lexington Steele as Julius Campbell and have him rape Sunshine in the team shower.

Q: I recently read that the world's oldest woman died. She said she never drank alcohol or tried tobacco. I also read that last year's "world's oldest person" also refrained from doing those things. How does that make you feel that we have no chance of being the world's oldest people at some point?
-- Eric, Philly

I don't know, but I know that we are so cool! Seriously, how cool are we for drinking and smoking? Really cool, right? Would anyone argue this?

Q: So there's generally a ton of weed and tequila at our fantasy drafts. One rule we've put into effect is if you pick a player who's already been drafted, you must do a shot of Don Julio. Counterintuitive, I know, but that caused me to draft Matt Leinart in rounds eight through 11 two years ago. What do you think of this idea for your Sports Czar campaign?
-- Luke, San Francisco

It's incredible. You guys should try writing down the players that have been drafted on a list of sorts. I'll implement it, though, because it has drinking and it would show how cool we all are. We aren't your grandma's sports fans! Lookoutnow!

Q: I had a stunning realization when I awoke this morning: Isn't Greg Oden the real Benjamin Button? I mean the injuries, the 45-year-old face, the creaky knees and geriatric hobble? This means for us Blazers fans things will only get better as he gets "younger." Phew.
-- Phil Taylor, Brooklyn, N.Y.

He might actually have a point.

Q: Plaxico Burress, O.J. and Michael Vick all under one roof, house arrest for a year, 24/7 webcam. What would it take to stop you from watching this?
-- Joe Snow, New York

I would not watch that. I'm not interested at all. Michael Vick cannot fight any dogs there, Plaxico can't shoot himself, and OJ can't kidnap anybody. Why would this be interesting? Would Vick give them all herpes?

Q: Went home with a VERY good-looking chick two weeks ago and not only did she have three cats and a dog, but I woke up at 4 a.m. to find that she'd peed in the bed. The only thing more disappointing to me in my life was the '98 Vikes losing to the Falcons. SHE PEED IN THE FREAKING BED!!!
-- Matt, Fort Myers, Fla.

Holy fuck, a CHICK! A REAL LIVE WOMAN! YOU TOOK HER HOME! Wow. You, Matt, are my hero. And she had pets and urinated in her bed! It must have been so disappointing that this woman urinates in her sheets yet is capable of caring for animals. I agree. First thing I thought about when you said that was Gary Anderson missing that field goal.

Q: What would O.J. Simpson be like if he played in the NFL now? I mean, he has gotten into an absurd amount of legal trouble, and he played in an era when it wasn't normal for players to be accused of felonies. If O.J. Simpson was born 40 years later and was in the NFL right now, what crimes do you think he would commit? I think he would try to become a super-villain, kind of like the Joker.
-- Colin H, New Haven, Conn.

He'd have so much money that he wouldn't need to hold any hostages to get his football cards back. Did he kill any of his wives when he played in the '70s? No? I don't get this question at all. Killing your wife is cool in today's NFL? Even Rae Carruth didn't pull the trigger himself. If anything, Nicole would have killed him.

Q: I read your comment in the last mailbag about women in Atlanta being horny, successful and fun-loving, looking for love and questioning their self-esteem. Although you made that assessment after just two e-mails, after living there for eight years, I can say that you're on the money. If you're a heterosexual male going through a dry spell, forget about Vegas and make your way to the ATL. Their advertising tag line should be, "Come to Atlanta where the nookie is plentiful and free."
-- Michael, Columbus, Ohio

If women in Atlanta will fuck the douchebags that live to get mentioned in Bill Simmons mailbags, then they will most certainly fuck anyone. I mean, have you listened to a Ludacris CD? Those women be hoes, dog!

Q: I've lived in both D.C. and Atlanta. In Atlanta, college sports and the SEC still run the show; people just don't care about pro sports. On the other hand, do you like a skewed male-to-female ratio, hot Southern blondes in sundresses who can go whiskey for whiskey with you, possess a shocking amount of football and basketball knowledge, bring the thunder in the sack and have no problem (wait, DEMAND) eating massive amounts of fried food and/or pork products the following morning? Because if that's not your thing you should spend more time in D.C. I've been here two months. It's rainy, there are no college sports, but there are a lot of museums. So I've got that going for me. (Frantically looking for jobs in Atlanta.)
-- Adam, Washington

I've been to Atlanta. It was probably my least favorite city of the ones I've been to. Seriously, people. Women everywhere are sluts. They all want to touch your penis. Stop complaining about the rain and just start whipping it out at bars.

Q: I renamed my fantasy football team after you. I did that because now, when I post all of my clever insults and below-the-belt jabs, it says "Posted by: Bill Simmons." Sadly, my team finished in last place, so this was the highlight of my fantasy season.
-- Tom, Greenville, S.C.

Even in Atlanta, Tom would not be able to convince any woman to touch his balls. If you named your team Bill Simmons so that all of your clever insults would say "posted by Bill Simmons", they probably weren't very clever. In fact, they were probably completely sucktastic and everybody in your league gleaned new insight into how gay you really are.

Q: If I had sex with the two-faced lady from the Southwest Airlines commercial, would I be able to count that as a threesome?
-- Pete, Beacon, N.Y.

If I met Pete in late July on a summer's eve, would that mean he's a douche?

Q: I was out until about bar time Thursday, rolled into work at 8 a.m. Friday feeling like my face had fallen off somewhere between 11 p.m. and midnight, and I had failed to notice. I got the required coffee and greasy breakfast and sat down without a remote ability to perform actual work, so I hopped over to and quickly realized I had a mailbag waiting for me from the previous afternoon AND there would be a Part 2 later on. Honestly, it was like the heavens opened up. Not sure whether the greasy breakfast or the mailbag helped my hangover more, but I insist we incorporate Friday morning mailbags into your contract. You are the literary equivalent of an Egg McMuffin. Yes, that's a compliment.
-- Sarah B., Chicago

This reminds me of the time my grandma was seriously disfigured by a polar bear and lost both of her legs. I was sitting there crying that grandma couldn't walk anymore until I realized, hey, there's probably a Bill Simmons mailbag on the internet. Simmons, you are the literary equivalent of my grandma's prosthetic legs.

Q: Saw this Sonics flask (note: link now defunct) in's clearance section today and thought it might be the perfect gift for the former Sonics fan in someone's life. It's even on sale for 400 percent off. Enjoy.
-- Adam H., Raleigh, N.C.

I'm not a Sonics fan.

Q: My roommate just texted me to tell me he just shook Mike Tyson's hand at a strip club in Vegas. Who would be the coolest person to meet in a Vegas strip club?
-- Ryan H., Pullman, Wash.

A wife?

Q: How 'bout this hypothetical? It's 2012, Matt Cassel is the quarterback for the Vikings and standing with a Super Bowl MVP trophy in one hand and a Super Bowl trophy in another. It's his third Super Bowl MVP in four years, two with the Vikings and one with the Patriots in 2009. He states in his opening remarks, "I would like to dedicate this Super Bowl to Tom Brady for getting injured and allowing me to finally get my shot." Flash to Foxboro, where Tom Brady has never returned to his 2007 form and reinjured his knee three times since, and Bill Belichick has retired from coaching due to having a heart attack from seeing Cassel win his second Super Bowl without the Patriots. Jump to 2022, as the Patriots have become the '90s Cincinnati Bengals and you are hysterically crying while writing a piece titled "The Curse of Matt Cassel: IT IS REAL."
-- Andrew, Boston

This constitutes humor? This is barely creative. LOL!

Q: I just finished reading Jim Bouton's classic book "Ball Four." Which baseball player today would be the best pick to write a similar type of book?
-- Kobi, Carlsbad, Calif.

I agree with his Mussina answer. It would probably have to be someone from the Yankees. I'll skip this one.

Q: I woke up this morning (Thanksgiving) and sat on my couch and smoked some weed. The "Tyra Banks Show" was coming on. I sat there stoned watching for five minutes before I realized I was killing more brain cells watching her show than I had smoking pot. It's official: Listening to Tyra Banks' voice is worse for you than doing drugs.
-- Mike M., Lexington, Ky.

Ha! That's so funny. SUCK ON THAT, TYRA!!!! WEED!!!!

Very few of these people that send emails to Simmons are funny. So very few of them. Yet he prints them and pretends that they are. Or, at least I hope he's pretending.

Q: So I had this idea for a movie. The bachelor version of a guy goes forward in time and finds his married self and kicks his butt for selling out his bachelor self and his bachelor values and going back on everything he promised he wouldn't do. The bachelor version finds him in the future by following his minivan to a toy store. The climatic encounter comes when the bachelor self finds the married self standing in an hour-long Black Friday line holding a Starbucks. And yes, I thought of this plot while standing in an hour-long Black Friday line amongst mostly female Black Friday shoppers in Christmas sweaters.
-- (Name withheld), Denver

Simmons will be all over this, because he used to be so cool. Seriously, he was cooler than fucking glaciers, man. Now he's all Hollywood and was the 8th backup writer for Jimmy Kimmel for a few months, but back in the day the man was ICE. His gay little former self would go into the future to slapfight with his current self. It would be riveting. He has criticized Rosie Perez for having an annoying voice throughout this column, but he apparently has never seen himself on TV. There is a reason he is mainly relegated to print media. One viewing of Simmons on TV and you think...hmmm. This guy prefers penises to vaginas.

Q: Thank you for writing your story about Mike Dunleavy screwing up the Spurs-Clips game you went to. Someone had to tell the world of the atrocity that goes on in LaLa Land, and you've done it. It's like bringing to light the genocide in Darfur that people refuse to talk about. You're ESPN's version of George Clooney.
-- Terry A., Lodi, N.J.

You've done the world a tremendous favor, Bill.

Q: What's the deal with your upcoming book? I think you mentioned that it was about basketball, and I feel that you told your editors "No worries guys, I'm writing a book about basketball. It's easy! It'll be a midnight run!" And then you proceeded to stumble across the country, and it's undecided whether you'll meet your deadline. Will you get to L.A. and get your $100K?
-- Steve, Pleasanton, Calif.

Oh, a book question! Let me print this so I can hype my next book!

I didn't even know he was writing one until now. Even though I don't read books, if I did, I wouldn't read this one.

Q: I dare you to think of anything better than taking a girl home from the bar on Halloween and watching her put on her costume as she's leaving the next morning. Yeah, can't be done. Hands down the best hookup moment possible.
-- Adam V., Hibbing, Minn.

Every hottie in Hibbing, MN wants Adam V's dick. I need to remember to do this next time I bang some random chick...hey, it's time to send an email to Bill Simmons! Bill, guess where I just put my'll never guess! YEAH! A VAGINA! HOW'D U KNO??!?!?!1

Q: If you're sitting on 24 wins in "Streak for the Cash," shouldn't you hop on a flight to Vegas and bet about $250,000 on the opposite of whatever you pick for your 25th selection? All the games puts up as straight win/loss picks are close in point spreads, so I am sure you could get a money line in Vegas that would pay out straight up. That way, you ensure yourself of a minimum victory of $250,000, and can win a maximum of $750,000. I mean, you gotta protect yourself at this point right? I'm sitting in class at law school going insane thinking about this guy NOT doing this.
-- Bryan, New York

Simmons already addressed the stupidity in this one. Where the fuck do you get $250,000 in cash?

Q: Here's an idea for when you're running the B.S. Network in a few years: What if you followed various NFL announcers around as they gave everyday people unsolicited and obvious advice? Imagine a soccer mom stopping for gas on the way to practice. The backseat is filled with screaming kids with said announcer in the front seat. As the van approaches a corner with two gas stations, we see one station is selling gas at $2.09 per gallon, and the other is selling at $2.19 per gallon. Here's where the announcer jumps in and spends 60 seconds trying to convince the driver to go to the cheaper station. While the mom pumps the gas, the announcer then spends two minutes explaining to the kids that $2.09 is less than $2.19 and why it's better to pay less for things.
-- Matt A., San Francisco

Why would the soccer mom need convinced that she should go to the one that's 10 cents cheaper? I get it, Phil Simms is annoying.

Q: Hey, Bill, it's been a while since I e-mailed you and I am sure that you have missed me. I just wanted to stop in and let you know how much you suck. You are not a journalist. You are not even a sports journalist. You should be fired. It really makes me mad that people who actually work for a living are losing their jobs or are unemployed and you still get to sit there pretending to matter. I hope that soon ESPN comes to its senses and gets rid of you, but it probably won't. Anyway, I hope you had a good Thanksgiving, and I hope you have a good Christmas and New Year's.
-- Brad, St. Louis

I'm guessing this isn't the only email of this kind that he receives.

Q: Beer + Weed + Bill Simmons = 1.9 GPA for fall quarter. Thank you, Bill, for helping me achieve my lowest GPA since the seventh grade.
-- Tysen A., Bellingham, Wash.

How slow do you read? slowly? Beer and weed and Bill Simmons? He writes about three columns a week. They can all be read in under 20 minutes. I'm thinking your inability to read might be a major culprit of your low GPA, Tysen. So stop drinking and smoking and get a Hooked on Phonics book.

Q: YouTube has a new feature on its home page that recommends videos based on your previous visits. Mine included "Racist McDonald's Commercial," "J.R. Does the Stone Cold Stunner" and "Wes Welker College Highlights." I am wondering what they recommend for you?
-- Dan, Springfield, Mass.

Wow, a racist New Englader that likes pro-wrestling and Wes Welker. I'm guessing KSK would be able to incorporate that into its own miniseries.

Q: When I found out Al Davis' mother lived until she was 103, I thought about impaling myself with a dull garden tool about 103 times. I'll be 67 by the time the Raiders are respectable again. Can you please offer me some hope?
-- Scott, Holiday, Fla.

You'll die before then, maybe?

Q: I don't care what the SEC says: The J-Kidd transaction was Cuban's greatest trading transgression of 2008.
-- Marchy, Malibu, Calif.

Oh snap...if he could have somehow incorporated the Southeastern Conference, it would have been OVER!

Q: So here I am, completely stressed out about taking my first semester of law school exams, about one cup of coffee away from having a caffeine-induced seizure, when my name pops up on the B.S. Report. Great job. You really made my day. Feel free to just start putting your random single friends in the podcast. I don't even care if they're entertaining, I'm just going to need to fill my fake relationship void with someone now that JackO's off the market. And by the way, it was a nice touch for him to add the "not really" after saying I had 74 hours to contact him, like I was going to show up at his wedding and scream "I'M NOT GOING TO BE IGNORED, JACKO!"
-- Claire in Atlanta

I don't think I'd want to fuck Claire. I don't care if she's in Atlanta or not.

Q: The other day my college friends and I went out for dinner at a family restaurant. As always when you take a bunch of college kids out of their element into a public area, it can get slightly inappropriate. One of my friends kept telling us to keep it down and that there were children around. The second time, I slammed down my fork and told her, "This is a free-flowing conversation that sometimes touches on mature subjects." Not only did this confuse her and shut her up, but one of my guy friends that didn't realize I was a fan of yours told me that I was every man's dream and my boyfriend was a lucky man. So thanks for getting me a compliment and somehow making it OK to talk about "mature" subjects in a public area.
-- Sarah, Dayton, Ohio

Wow. Sarah, do you like getting pissed on? Because if you started quoting Bill Simmons and were flaunting the fact that you love his mailbags, I would stand up from my seat. You might be confused. You'd be even more confused when I unzip my pants and remove my penis from them. Imagine how startled you'd be when I began to urinate on you in this public setting. What would you do? Probably just sit there while piss hit your face and ran down all over your shirt. That will teach you to quote Bill Simmons while I'm trying to eat.

Q: How hilarious would it be if President Bush pardoned O.J.???!!! I just think that would be a great ending to a terrible presidency! He'd go out with a bang.
-- Gian Gonz, Austin, Texas


Q: Only you can describe what is crucially needed right now: the introduction of the Steve Young Face. That look he gets when listening to Emmitt say that team fights are "special" or dealing with Keyshawn is phenomenal. Describe it and give us some other examples of people sporting the "Steve Young Face" other than Katie Couric during her Palin interview.
-- Sean, Halifax

I'm not going to describe Steve Young's Mormanface. I think my face while I read a Bill Simmons mailbag might be close. It kind of looks like I just ran into Evgeni Malkin at a rural strip club and he tried to sell me life insurance.

Q: Shouldn't Scarlett Johansson's breasts get their own billing on the promotional posters and ads for "The Spirit?"
-- Matt, Washington


Q: Is it just me or does JackO seem way too excited when he answers the phone for the B.S. Report? Like it's the only time the phone has rung the entire day.
-- Adam, Chicago

I am amazed that people not only care about Bill Simmons, but also care about his friends.

Q: I'd like to add Baxter to (last week's podcast) argument about "Greatest Movie or TV Dog Ever." Maybe he didn't take a bullet for Ron Burgundy, but he saved him from an angry bear! He always had Ron's back. I mean, he got punted off a bridge! Plus he spoke Spanish, wore pajamas, had the ability to eat entire wheels of cheese and poop in the fridge. He was wise, like a miniature Buddha covered in hair. How is Baxter not the best TV dog? I mean, "Air Bud" is a part of that conversation, but Baxter isn't? Just an egregious oversight. (And yes, you can blame TBS and its insistence on playing "Anchorman" eight times a day for this e-mail.)
-- Mike, Princeton, N.J.

Bill's podcast contained a segment entitled "Greatest Movie or TV Dog Ever". I do not want to hear Bill Simmons wax poetic on the subject of greatest TV dog. I just don't. I'd rather be in the center of a bukkake circle, sorrounded by the Boston Celtics.

Q: Is it bad that one of my first thoughts after this happened was "I should e-mail the Sports Guy"? Last night, I was with a lady friend and we decided to pop in a movie. She had never seen "Hoosiers," so naturally we put that in. But 10 minutes into the movie, it was obvious that she wasn't into the movie, and instead was getting a little frisky. So with the movie in the background, we entertained ourselves. The best part was there was a slight pause in the action and I turned to see the movie, and it was right when Ollie hits the free throws, and I thought, "This is awesome!"
-- Jason Z., Chicago

Another obvious cool guy. Between being mentioned in Bill Simmons columns and fucking mad chicks, I don't see how these guys have time for anything else.

Q: Is the real reason that CC finally signed with the Yankees because somebody finally told him that pinstripes are slimming?
-- Greg, Las Vegas

Yes. Not the money. The pinstripes are slimming joke is the real reason. How many times has this joke been made about fat Yankees? As much as jokes about Shawn Kemp having 28 kids?

Q: At one point today (Dec. 10), had the following headlines atop one another: "Yanks close to deal with Sabathia" and "Oprah feels like fat cow at 200 pounds." Coincidence? I think not.
-- Chris C., Philly

Wait, the Yankees signed Oprah?

Q: The Yanks are poised to drop $160M on CC Sabathia and at 300 pounds, means $533,333 per pound of Sabathia is the accepted market value. In their defense, after he hits four bills in 2011 that number will drop to a far more reasonable $400,000 per pound. What can we expect the per-pound cost for CC to be entering into his final year under contract? Remember, we're talking about a man who looked like this in 1999 and looks like this entering 2009.
-- Dan, South Boston

He'll probably be like 700 pounds!!!!! Do the math!!!!!

Q: With his new FAT contract going to his head, I foresee a future 400-pound CC Sabathia struggling to get from the bullpen to the mound without an oxygen tank attached to his leg. At least Yankee fans can look forward to the day they rename the Snoopy blimps after him. "Aerial shots of today's game will be provided from our guys flying high in the CC II!"
-- Zap, Brighton, Mass.


Q: Someone has to come up with an A.J. Burnett Yankees Jersey with the number 82.5 on the back right? Maybe one of those T-shirt jerseys they sell outside of Fenway, but either way this has to happen.
-- RJ, Boston

Yes! Yes they do! I wouldn't buy it!

Q: CC Sabathia's all-time stats against the Red Sox: Nine games, 6.3 IP average, 63 hits, 15 walks, 44 strikeouts, 5.75 ERA, 2-7 W-L. I feel pretty good that the Yankees are gonna pay this guy $20 million a year to blow against the Sox.
-- Jason, Vienna, Va.

He's only pitching against the Sox! What he did against them in Cleveland a few years ago is so relevant! You aren't paranoid at all Jason from Vienna, VA!

Q: All right, we both know of the existence of "The Hills" through our significant others. The empty husk that is Justin Bobby just gave a great example of "contract year." Despite being an unbelievably stupid and selfish mutant, he somehow turns on the charm when the attention is finally ending, setting up the poor "dead behind the eyes" Audrina for inevitable disappointment. Why? So that the crazy young girls out in L.A. (or anywhere) who are turning 18 see his "caring side" and he immediately restocks his stable of possible women, maximizing his worth. Justin Bobby is A.J. Burnett, right?
-- Andrew, Philly

STOP WITH THE POP CULTURE JOKES!!!! You aren't Simmons, and it's not funny when he does it. It's less funny when you do it. AJ Burnett is not the first athlete to excel in a contract year.

Q: So you're the GM of the Red Sox and you received the following offers:

    1. Johan Santana plus $40M, or
    2. CC Sabathia and Ian Kennedy

I mean, it's a slam dunk that you choose No. 2 right?
-- Anthony F., Ancaster, Ontario

Probably. Your point?

Q: My take on A.J. Burnett: Let's just put it this way, if the pitcher you just gave $82.5 million was only owned in 80 percent of ESPN fantasy leagues last year, probably a bad sign.
-- Mike P., State College, Pa.

I base all of my moves on ESPN fantasy leagues. That's why I'm giving Tyler Thigpen $100 million next year if I'm GM of the Chiefs.

Q: We got Tex. We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.
-- Uncle Rick, New York

No, you're not. You do this every year.

Q: Merry Tex-Mas!!!
-- Brian C., Santa Monica

You had probably never even heard of him before this year.

Q: Did my favorite homer columnist have a good Christmas watching the Lake Show get its revenge on Boston? Hahahahahahahaha. Doc forgot to start Pierce's wheelchair in the second half. Good news: You still have the streak going, it's just in your pants. Check your undies. KOBE RULES!
-- Every Lakers Fan

This just makes you look like a douche, Bill.

Q: I just finished reading your book and noticed an uncanny prediction: You wrote that if Manny had been traded to the Mets in 2005, you, your dad and Hench predicted that he "would hit between .380-.420, with 14-20 homers and 50-55 RBIs." In 2008, after being traded to the Dodgers, Manny hit .396, with 17 homers and 53 RBIs. Why aren't you bragging about this?
-- Alan C., New Orleans

Because I probably forgot about it in the midst of all of my other failed predictions. You forgot that I am one of the worst NFL handicappers in all of the print media.

Q: Is there a sports equivalent to the little Chinese guy who was lighting the firecrackers during the robbery scene in "Boogie Nights"? That is, a virtual unknown who plays an integral part in one of the best scenes of all time, and without whom the scene would not have been nearly as good?
-- Ben, Phoenix

No. There is not. Do you people do anything other than watch movies while jacking it to thoughts of Bill Simmons?

Q: This is officially my first drunk e-mail … ever. Of course, you've heard of the infamous "drunk dial" that happen all the time on college campuses and throughout the country. However, the drunk e-mail is less talked about. I love you. Not really. I love you in the most heterosexual way EVER. You are my hero. Me and my friends are putting down some beers and Red Bulls and vodkas talking some good sports and making Simmons-like analogies to life. I just told a friend who has two potential girls that he's "hitting" on that it's like when you have two players you want to draft in the next round of a fantasy draft (I used Anquan Boldin and Plaxico Burress). You don't have to decide when it's 12 picks away. Just wait, see how it plays out and make your decision. Most likely, one will be picked by the time you pick and it will be an easy decision. But consider them both for now. I love drinking. Peace.
-- Andy J., Champaign, Ill.

This is the epitome of a Bill Simmons column. This is it. Right here. Bein' cool, puttin' down beers and vodkas and sugary energy drinks, raggin' on other dudes, makin' analogies to fantasy drafts, and basically reflecting on how cool you think you are. This is the mother lode.

Q: So …. I am twice as durnk as the first time i e-mailed. I have nothing more to say ecxept that I can't wait for your next podcast/ column.
-- Andy J, Champaign, Ill.

I would officially be frightened right now.

Monday, December 22, 2008


Wow, Coach'd you get Coolio to make pasta salad?

First, perspective. One of the 10 best football players in history died the other day in Texas. It's important you know about him. There will be no forgetting Slingin' Sammy Baugh in this column. No sir.

You are so smart at football! Please tell me about Sammy Baugh...pleeeeeeeease!

He had the best year a football player ever had, and there can be no possible argument on that from any Jim Brown fan, any Walter Payton fan, any Unitas, Montana, Marino, Brady, Butkus or Lawrence Taylor fan. Sixty-five years ago, in 1943, on a Redskins team with shrunken 28-man rosters because of the great war...

Three score and 5 years ago, during an incredible battle, Sammy Baugh draft-dodged his way into the best football year ever against similarly depleted rosters. Surely no Dan Marino fan can argue with this.

On Thursday night against the Jaguars, Peyton Manning, who knew Baugh from a photo shoot in the nineties (See page 5), wore a wristband with "SB 33'' on it -- Baugh's initials, and his number with the Washington Redskins -- and had the best game of his season.

Wow, it's like Sammy was guiding his passes! This is no coincidence. Similarly, I suggest that a Jets fan kill Brett Favre's mother before the must-win game against the Dolphins this week. We know Brett plays well after the death of a parent.

Sandwiched by winning games from the Manning brothers, Week 16 had it all...

I seriously hope you choke to death on the Manning brothers.

Tennessee 31, Pittsburgh 14. The score is surprising enough, seeing that the Steelers had been playing like the '65 Packers.

Ahhh, those gritty '65 Packers. I have no idea what they played like.

But my favorite thing of Week 16 is what it leads to: the ultimate revenge game, from the most gentlemanly NFL player of our time, Chad Pennington.

You are always talking to the nicest gentleman or most caring player ever or the smiliest ball of NFL sunshine and whatnot and every time, it just gets gayer. No one outgays Peter King. You can open up a gay bar call the "Flaccid Cock" and serve appletinis out of dick-shaped shot glasses and encourage all of the patrons to wrap their penises together on the dance floor while having Melissa Ethridge karaoke a George Michael song while fingerbanging Ellen Degeneres and Peter King would still be able to double the gayness if he wrote his column there.

Miami (10-5) needs to win at the 9-6 Jets on Sunday for the strangest division title in its history. Strange, because Miami was 1-15 last year, and because the Jets had this division copped a month ago after they won at New England and Tennessee in successive weeks, and because the Jets have lost four straight games -- games they were favored to win.

Holy strangejazz, that's the strangest piece of strange that ever stranged!!!! I think if the Dolphins win this game, they should play "Strangers in the Night" in the locker room after the game! So strange that an NFL team was able to rebound after a bad year and that another NFL team lost games that they were favored in! I can't believe a Brett Favre-led team collapsed due to poor QB play! They had the division copped! That doesn't even make sense!

I'll tell you the most amazing thing: In the last week or so, I've actually heard callers to New York sports-talk radio saying they wish they had Pennington back. Instead of Favre.

No way, in New York? The same place where they want to get rid of A-Rod and bring Scott Brosius back? They want to get the QB they had last year back because he's better than the one they have this year? You're kidding!

The Dolphins went 60 yards in five plays to tie it, and in the fourth quarter, Pennington went seven-of-seven on a 13-play, 85-yard drive covering more than eight minutes. His 14-yard pass to new BFF Anthony Fasano (Pennington, in New York, and Fasano, in Dallas, were both drafted by Bill Parcells) made it 38-31. Only in the NFL.

Only in the NFL can a player complete all of his passes on a single drive. Only in the NFL.

Only in the NFL. Now Pennington, making a late run at the MVP, plays the game of his life. I was surprised the NFL made Denver-San Diego the prime time game in Week 17 for NBC. Miami-New York, and Pennington-Favre, is the game of the week.

That's really only true if you want to sample the jizz of Pennington to see if it matches that southern tang that Brett Favre's had. San Diego-Denver is also for the playoffs, and features a QB who might actually be the MVP against another good young QB. doesn't have Chad Pennington returning home to play against real. comfortable. jeans.

Only in the NFL.

No wonder Tennessee wins every year. The Titans have the best defensive depth in recent NFL history.

What? What's that have to do with last year? Or every year, for that matter? Do they win every year? Tennessee just won the year! I thought it was because Vince Young just wins years.

I'd like to see another rock-ribbed Baltimore-Tennessee, or Baltimore-Pittsburgh game...

Rock-ribbed? Why do you do this to the English language? It's crying, Peter. It's like you just knocked it up, and now you are telling it that you don't love it and you are pressuring it to get an abortion. And it's only 16 years old. That's what the English language feels like after you are done with it.

And if Brandon Jacobs is dressed, they can run.

If Brandon Jacobs is standing on the sidelines naked with his cock hanging out, they might not be able to run the counter-trap effectively.

Underrated factor of the weekend -- and in no way am I saying this won the game: Friday night, at the Ravens' team meeting in their Dallas hotel, director of player program O.J. Brigance, a special-teamer on the Ravens' Super Bowl team eight years ago and now suffering from Lou Gehrig's Disease, gave the team a pep talk. He's a beloved figure on the team, and this no doubt juiced the guys for Saturday's game.

Now I'm not saying this mattered, but check out how this mattered.

8. Atlanta (10-5). How could you not feel good for Thomas Dimitroff and Mike Smith when they embraced after the Falcons clinched a playoff spot in Minnesota. Dimitroff's the architect of these rebuilt Falcons, and Smith is the coach, the guy who keeps things fresh and has built a great staff. No one heard of them in Atlanta 11 months ago, but I'm betting they won't be buying the Heineken Lights on Peachtree Street for a long, long time. They won't have to.

Holy fuck, IS THAT THOMAS DIMITROFF!?!?!?! Bartender, get that man a Corona Light!

9. Miami (10-5). You don't win eight of nine in the NFL by luck. If the Fish can beat the Jets, they'll be a tough out for anyone in the playoffs.

Nope. But you do get a ridiculously easy schedule by luck. The Dolphins are going to get massacred in the playoffs.

Sam Koch, P, Baltimore. Guts of a burglar, and a pretty good leg, too.

Sam Koch. Courage of a convicted sex offender. Valor of a rapist. Heart of a cross-burning KKK arsonist. Oh, and he can kick the fuck out of the ball, too.

Much later in life, Luckman said Baugh was the greatest player of all time. I don't think versatility makes one the best who ever lived, but I do believe this: He's in the argument.

You just argued at the beginning that versatility made his 1943 season unquestionably the greatest in NFL history. Remember that? It was like 20 minutes ago.

a. Penn State is insane. A three-year contract extension for an 82-year-old coach who has had recent health problems? Why is there no one at this august institution who can tell a man whom the school isn't positive can even STAND on the sideline every week that it's time to step down? Can anyone who bleeds Nittany blue honestly tell me Paterno has the energy to out-recruit coaches 40 years his junior for the best football players in the country?

No, I don't, but you obviously have no idea what you are talking about. Paterno is a figurehead. He doesn't do anything important. But they can't fire him. They just can't.

i. Bruce Gradkowski must have been born under a lucky star. Looks like he'll get the final start of the year under center for the luckless and injury-ravaged Browns, with Ken Dorsey nursing a concussion and bruised ribs. Nice reward, playing at Pittsburgh with the Steelers angry after a stinker at Tennessee.

How unlucky this guy is, to be that bad at QB and still get to start an NFL game for a terrible team. And the Steelers are going to be so angry that they lost to Tennessee that they are going to be pumped up to rest all of their players in this meaningless game. James Harrison is going to be SO PISSED that I could totally see him yelling something from the sidelines.

2. I think Roethlisberger had better do something about the way he carries the ball in and out of the pocket.

I think Ben Roethlisberger should stop fumbling the ball. I think it's bad for a team's offense to fumble the ball all the time.

Said Harrington, who always did have a good sense of humor while with Detroit: "It's weird to think I was here in the hey-day.''

The hey-day? Really? He's such a Reb-Bell.

a. Notice who made the key block to pick up the blitzing Indy safety on Jacksonville's first-quarter touchdown pass to Dennis Northcutt? Maurice Jones-Drew.

Wow, a running back picked up a blitzer?

You know who caught Issac Bruce's 1,000th career reception? Issac Bruce.

You know who kidnapped and murdered Jon-Benet Ramsey? John-Mark Karr.

You know who released "Hustlenomics" at the beginning of the year? Young Joc.

h. Reggie Corner, a corner, jumped high to break up a catchable pass from Jay Cutler to Brandon Stokley that would have sent Buffalo-Denver to overtime.

Jay Cutler, a quarterback, threw the pass in question. Brandon Stokely, a receiver, was the target of this pass. Denver, a city, hosted this football game. Feline AIDS, a disease, affects 2.5% of cats in the United States.

k. Jerry Jones must be wearing or carrying a four-leaf clover. You've got life, Jerry.

We, the experts, surmised that you would have to go 3-1 to make the playoffs, Jerry. Instead, you are only going to have to go 2-2! It's a Festivus miracle!

l. The Patriots played so well Sunday, and were so prepared to run and throw in any weather. If they don't make the playoffs, a lot of AFC teams will be happy.

The AFC teams will be soooo happy. It takes tremendous mental and physical strength to beat a bad Arizona team in the snow.

a. Are you kidding me, Miles Austin?

Are you pissing on my fucking face, Miles Austin? Are you seriously sitting there, with your dick out, pissing on my face like I'm not going to be upset? Are you actually standing there watching the piss run down my face with a blank emotionless glare, Miles? Are you fucking joking with me?

b. Blitz pickup, Dallas. When you play Baltimore, the game's about blitz pickup.

Yes, Dallas. Take it from Peter King. This sitting there and deciding to allow blitzers free reign to run in and destroy your quarterback is not smart football.

g. Brian Westbrook has fallen off the MVP radar, hasn't he?

That's insane, because just last week you wanted to put him in the Hall of Fame.

e. Coffeenerdness: Tea this week. Lots of it. Loading up on the Bigelow Green Team with Pomegranate, for whatever health benefit I can get. I need it. (Who am I? Simms? Torre? Francona? Some tea-pusher?)

Remember how Peter King going into the jizzfest in the gay bar pushed it to max gayness? Check that. This right here is absolute maximum gayness. You honestly cannot get any gayer than this, no matter how many cocks you have whipping you in the face in the bathroom during a Broadway musical.

h. I'd love to have Mark Teixeira on my team. But at what price? Scott Boras is brilliant at creating leverage, but just because he creates it, it doesn't mean a baseball team has to knuckle under to it. Life goes on.

You mean teams aren't actually going to be forced to sign Mark Teixeira? No way!

i. I want to be in the room when Teixeira signs with Washington and looks at Boras and says: "Are you kidding me? You've sentenced me to play for the Washington National for the rest of my career?''

You know, Teixeira doesn't have to sign with Washington if he doesn't want to. He can like, say no, I don't want to play for Washington. You know this, right? You don't? Oh. Sorry.

a. Sat next to Rodney Harrison at the "Costas Now'' 2008-sports-year-in-review show the other night in New York. When Tiger Woods appeared on a satellite hookup to talk with Costas and Rocco Mediate about the '08 U.S. Open, and then about how he was more excited than ever about resuming his career, Harrison leaned over to Osi Umenyiora, sitting next to him, and said, "Look at Tiger! He's still hungry!''

Only in the NFL.

Friday, December 19, 2008


Is that guy clutch? Apparently.

But I hate clutch. When someone tells me that a player is "clutch", it immediately chaps my balls like they were exposed to 20 minutes of a fierce arctic breeze. It chaps my balls so hard that I immediately throw on Ralph Lauren Chaps. And some assless chaps. And start calling friends "chaps". Because I am, through extension of my balls, chapped as motherducking fluck when I hear about "clutch". I hate this stupid argument.

And I don't care if FJM and others have pounded the no-clutch mantra into our heads ad-nauseam. This work must not cease until clutch is no longer recognized as a player's main redeeming quality. The reason Robert Horry got paid. The reason people actually think Jeter is the best player on the Yankees. Or why A-Rod sucks in the playoffs, even though he's far better than Jeter statistically. I guess it's the intangibles. Well, intangibles can suck on my chapped balls.

I was reading on a Steeler's message board about Hines Ward's clutchiness and Roethlisberger's clutchiness and saw the quote:

"If you are up at the end of the second quarter, what have you won - jack fucking squat
If you are up at the end of the fourth quarter, what have you won - the fucking game"

Brilliant logic. That reads as if Mike Tyson put on a retard condom and raped that sentence with it. And then kept raping it after it screamed at him to stop and maced him. And not only did he not stop, but he finished inside the sentence after breaking the retard condom.

Well, if Roethlisberger is so clutch, what happened in the Colts game? Or the Eagles game? Or even the Browns game when they could have iced it? IT IS NOT CLUTCH. It is a good QB having a good drive in which the situation of the game favor good QB play. Defenses back off, Arians is relegated towards using normal passing plays instead of moronic rollout tosses to Max Starks, and the offense has an extra down to work with. Good QBs will have success there. And sometimes, they won't. Also, didn't Hines Ward drop a big pass against the Cowboys that lead to a punt instead of 1st and 10 on the 15 yard line? CLUTCH!

I'll buy the argument of some players getting nervous and performing worse in the clutch. To a point. But don't tell me some players all of the sudden get better when there are 2 minutes left. Do they concentrate more? If that's the case, they should be cut for not paying attention during the first 58 minutes of the game, which still count, by the way. If you don't suck in the first half, then you might not have to lead a 90 yard drive to win the game at the end. And Nate Washington is not clutch for catching two absolutely wide open catches on that final drive. He's just an NFL receiver. He is supposed to catch the ball when no one is within 20 feet of him, regardless of what quarter it is.

It follows that these must also be true:

- If you beat the fuck out of your kids, but send them off to college at the end and they end up with decent jobs, you are a clutch parent. CLUTCH!

- Tom Brady does not drive an automatic transmission, because he is so clutch. He must drive a manual. With clutch. No paddle shifters.

- If you double-clutch a shot, like Michael Jordan did over Craig Ehlo, the shot is twice as clutch.

- If you have a kitten and keep forgetting to feed it and it almost dies but you hear it crying and finally give it some food to keep it alive, then you are a clutch pet-owner.

- If you wreck every car you have until your insurance threatens to cut you off and then after that you don't wreck your car that day, you are a clutch driver.

- Making an R&B CD where every song sucks except the last one makes you a clutch R&B singer.

- If you are a cop involved in a shootout and you shoot 8 innocent bystanders to death but then finally kill the terrorist guy before he blows up a building, well...that's just clutch policework.

- If I put together some terrible document that I have to send out by the end of the day and just really suck at it, and still slack off to the point that I barely get it done in time, and then it is deemed to be barely acceptable, then I am a clutch employee. Hey! I'M CLUTCH!!!!

So don't chap my balls, people.


Hey y'all, Super Bowl champion Michael Strahan here, in the flesh and as not gay as ever.

To become a Super Bowl champion takes tons of hard work, specifically with regards to my body. My body is a large mass of twisted steel, and I work very hard on keeping it that way.

I do stupid drills with red bags.

I pound the fuck out of these red bags to keep my body in tip-top shape. You have to be strong to get off of blockers in the NFL. And getting off of blockers was one of my specialties. Man, did I pound the fuck out of those red bags. And there's nothing gay about that.

After I pound red bags, I lift weights.

For minimum gayness, I do most of my lifting in full uniform in front of a large crowd. The crowd is there to witness my epic manliness. I am there to keep my body in the shape necessary to excel at the highest level of football. There is nothing gay about keeping yourself strong to repel would-be blockers.

But that's not all I do for strength. I also rub vaseline all over my body.

Look at that. That's Vaseline for MEN. Nothing gay about that. I technically prefer "Vaseline for dudes", but both are fine. And neither are gay. And all of this keeps my skin smooth, which is essential for maintaining the strength I used to need to shed blocks. Now I use it because I like smooth, strong skin. Because it repels the gays, AND I'M NOT GAY NO MATTER WHAT MY WIFE SAID IN COURT!


Vaseline for men. Strength through jizz-cream.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Nobody plays pickup football in jeans

Nobody. Not me, not anybody I've ever played with, not anybody. No one plays pickup football in jeans. You would be laughed off the field. And then if you came back you'd get picked last. Because you are wearing jeans.

Why doesn't Levi's come back with a commercial featuring Hakeem Olajuwon playing pickup basketball in jeans? Or maybe Teemu Selanne at a skatearound in jeans? Why? Because it would be patently ridiculous? Probably. I hated Bert Favre even before he started playing pickup games in jeans and throwing bad throws to uncovered receivers on the commercial (at least he made the right read this time). But after the Wrangler commercials I hate him even more, just for the simple fact that this moron thinks it's ok to play pickup football in jeans.

Because it's not. Not at all.

I would quit the game if I was the only one in it not wearing jeans. I would seriously just walk off the field with a quizzical look on my face as to why the rest of these morons showed up to play a football game all wearing Wrangler jeans and just sit there and reflect on what the hell happened to my life. If Wranger jeans are so comfortable, Bert, why don't you play in the them in a real game?

Oh, because you would look like an idiot. And the NFL would fine you. And on the fine letter you get, there would be some LOLs thrown in there. Like,

Dear Bert, I regret to inform you that the NFL has made a decision to fine you $10,000 for a violation of the uniform code in last week's game against the Dolphins in which you threw like 5 interceptions. The reason we are doing this is because you wore fucking jeans. You fucking moron lol. Please remit payment to the NFL addressed to "the NFL" and on the subject line of the check write "for wearing jeans like a dumbass" lol. Wtf were you thinking, retard? Lol, Sheriff Roger Goodell

No one else does this. Michael Jordan didn't dunk around in jeans.

Unless that was the inspiration for Jordache. No one plays hockey in jeans.

Manny Ramirez doesn't wear jeans.

George Washington didn't discover Greenland in jeans.

Barbaro didn't break his horseleg in horsejeans.

So who the hell does Bert Favre think he is getting off on wearing jeans to play football?

Until this situation is rectified, I plan on founding the "Fuck the Polar Bears" fund in Wrangler's name. Every dollar you donate will go towards making life even worse for the starving polar bears who's glaciers are melting (cry me a fucking river, polar bears). I will personally transport the money, while wearing Wrangler jeans, in a denim-colored Ford Taurus, to wherever I can use it to fuck up polar bear life. I might make the trek up to Nunavut myself to fuck the polar bears. Because fuck them, that's why.

Is that what you want to make possible, Wrangler? Because that is what's going to happen if you don't stop showing people playing football in jeans.

Blogger's block

I've got nothing to write about. Straight drawing blanks here, players. Above, enjoy a random picture of a sacred cow.

Something needs to happen so I can continue to write nonsense on the internets. I'm also thinking about bringing a webcam to a doctor's office and doing an online STD test.

While at a doctor's office last week to find out why I be all sick recently and stuff, I these Indian doctors get jealous when they have to perform physicals? I bet they do.

I still have yet to receive my Obama check. I guess I'll just continue working in the interim, but I have faith that it's coming and that it's going to support a decent lifestyle.

My car lease is up soon. I hope they give me a good deal, because I want the car. But I don't really want to pay for it. DILEMMA!

I don't get why so many people care about gay marriage. I don't. Either way. Why is everybody so fascinated by it? I don't care if the gays marry. I don't care if they don't marry. The main reason is that I'm not gay and I'm not going to get gay married.

Random thought is the lowest form of blogging. Really, this should be saved for stuff like Facebook pages and AIM profiles. But hey, whatareyagonnado?

After listening to some Ray Lewis interviews, I legitimately would not be shocked if it turns out the he is indeed gay and honed his dancing and jazzhands skills while singing show tunes in the team shower.

Seriously, people of the world, please do something that I can blog about. Oh, and alert me to it in a timely fashion so I can be ahead of the curve, just like my women. lolololol

I love the unexpected "lol" in emails and stuff like that. Like, when I get an email from some guy at work detailing some municipal treatment plant's flowrate and he throws in a "they plan on treating 30 million gallons a!" and I'm like, did you just fucking say lol in an email to me? Are you alright? Is everything ok? I'm not laughing out loud right now. In fact, I'm not even slightly amused. Why are you? Wtf? Should I really be lmao-ing right now? I guess just call me Lmao Ming.

Then I get fired for saying "fucking" in an email and being derogatory towards tall Chinese basketball players. The sacred cow can stay though, as it was determined that I am simply paying respects to a different culture. That's how I roll.

If I owned a sushi restaurant, I would certainly have the "Slow Your Roll" on the menu, along with the "Know Your Roll", the "Get Your Roll On", the "Honor Roll", the...holy hell, I could really see this going somewhere. I could easily fill up a menu with stupid phrases with "roll" in them. This place would be huge. I need to get on this.

I need to think of something for Ray Lewis and Vince Young to be doing together and then I may actually be able to create something bloggable. Until then, ehhhh, I got nothin'.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Peter King will allow this to become a weekly thing

Once again, I'm calling free game on the bashing Peter King's column thing and going back at it this week. It's so easy. It's like taking candy from a baby. Or from Amy Winehouse.


The Pittsburgh Steelers might be the luckiest team on the face of the earth, but they also are the most mentally tough. You'd better have a four-leaf clover, and an anvil in your shoulder pads, to beat them right now.

You know, they've lost some of these types of games, too. Seriously. I know you know this, though, because you refer to it like three sentences later.

And I hope every PR guy in the league passes out to every player the part of my column about what Matt Birk is doing this week. It's that important.

Yeah, you fat douchebag, make it about you. And I hope Pac-Man Jones skeet skeet skeets all over it when they do.

The Titans have Pittsburgh coming to Nashville on Sunday afternoon, and suddenly, that's a vital game. The winner of that game will be the No. 1 seed in the AFC playoffs, the loser No. 2.

This is just a minor qualm here, but they will have to play games in week 17 and they will matter if the Steelers lose theirs and the Titans win. Assuming the Steelers beat the Titans, which I guess will depend on what Jeff Fisher decides to do on the coin-flip.

Tennessee had won the toss before the game. The Titans elected to receive, and Houston chose which goal to defend, picking the favorable winds in the second and fourth quarters. Obviously, Fisher wishes he had deferred, and taken the prevailing winds in the second and fourth quarters.

If Tennessee loses to Pittsburgh, Fisher's going to remember that coin flip for a long, long time.

Told you.

I was drawn to Harrison's story by Minnesota center Matt Birk, who is doing something I hope every player in this league will heed this week. Birk is donating $50,000 from his Week 16 gamecheck (his base salary is $5.32 million this year) to jump-start Gridiron Guardian Sunday. Birk has written to all NFL players, who should be receiving the letter early this week, asking the rank-and-file to donate a portion of their pay this week to the Gridiron Greats. In the letter, Birk says: "This is a humanitarian issue, and the people suffering at the center of it are some of our own.'' Each player will be able to make a contribution to the cause from this week's paycheck.

But, more importantly, they are also going to get a copy of Peter King's column.

6. Philadelphia (7-5-1). I'll bet you $1,000 that Donovan McNabb howled uproariously over the T.O. hijinks last week. Several times.

I'll bet you $1,000 the baristas at Starbucks jack off into your coffee. Several times.

8. Indianapolis (10-4). Tony Dungy's such a good person, and so nice to his former protégés. He can even make Rod Marinelli look good.

Tony Dungy is so good! He loves Jesus! And he said nice things about his friend Rod Marinelli instead of saying he sucks on TV! What a guy!

9. New England (9-5). The Patriots scored 35 points in the first 18 minutes at Oakland, in a driving rainstorm. Football is a funny game.

Why, were the endzones suddenly protected by a moat?

10. Minnesota (9-5). Personal note here: I'm so happy for Tarvaris Jackson, who threw four touchdown passes with no interceptions in Arizona. His story is so good. Last year, at 6 a.m. the day after the Super Bowl, he and two buddies were working out and throwing the football because he was so excited about preparing to be the Vikings' starting quarterback. He went out the day after The Big Game because the Vikings had crushed the Giants two months earlier, and the Giants had just won the world championship, and if the Giants won the title, Jackson figured, why not us?

Wow! I have goosebumps from reading that. Of course, my goosebumps are borderline retarded, but still.

Seriously, why is an NFL QB going out and throwing a football hoping that he wins the Super Bowl the upcoming year an incredible story? And why do you even know this? Were you hanging out with them in the shower afterwards?

11. Atlanta (9-5). I love football. How great is it that we could well look back at the Justin Blalock fumble recovery/thievery-at-the-bottom-of-the-pile at the end of this year as the biggest play of the Falcons' season.

It's so great. I'm seriously shocked that a fumble recovery could be a big play. That's why I love football. And how crazy is it that gas prices could drop 60% this year? I mean, seriously, we could look back on the lack of serious structural damage from Ike and Gustav as the main reason it got this low. That's what makes oil speculation and destructive hurricanes so great.

12. Tampa Bay (9-5). Not time to bury the Bucs, but you've got to be extremely worried about their ability to stop the run if they make the playoffs. Last two games versus the run: 37 carries for 299 yards for Carolina, 43 carries for 175 yards Sunday in Atlanta. The Bucs have the proverbial must win coming up Sunday at home against San Diego, and they'd better wear their big-boy pads for that one because the Chargers will come in rushing.

San Diego is ranked 27th in the NFL in rushing. How do I know this? Because I have the internet.

"All game they didn't make plays. One drive they did.''
-- Baltimore middle linebacker Ray Lewis, on the Steelers' 13-play, 92-yard drive in the fourth quarter for the only touchdown in Pittsburgh's 13-9 win over the Ravens -- the first Steelers win in Baltimore in six years.

This isn't a dig at Peter King here. I just want to say...fuck you, Ray Lewis. I hope you stab somebody tonight in Baltimore and they bleed their hepatitis on you.

Mike Mularkey, offensive coordinator, Atlanta. I bet when Mularkey's son, at 5, first got on a bike, dad would not let son use training wheels. Because that's how he's coached Matt Ryan this year. Third-and-one, Atlanta 28, three minutes left in the first half. Interesting opportunity here. The Falcons had been running the ball well, and I assumed he'd send Michael Turner up the gut. Which he did ... but he had Ryan make a phony sideways tossing motion toward Jerious Norwood before faking play-action to Turner up the middle. Then, in almost the same fluid motion, Ryan rainbowed a pass in the left flat to Norwood, who had no one to beat for 17 yards and a first down.

This was not a vintage day for the Atlanta offense -- 373 yards and 13 points in 71 minutes (including 11 minutes of OT) -- but Mularkey has done such a terrific job in inculcating Ryan into the NFL way, and this play was the perfect illustration.

While they may have sucked for the majority of the game, the fact that their QB was trusted to convert a third and one shows that Mike Mularkey never used training wheels. Back in his younger days when he was tagging drunken sorority girls in the kitchen closet, Mike Mularky never once used any sort of protection.

2. Matt Ryan, QB, Atlanta. Merril Hoge, on the "State Farm NFL Matchup Show'' Sunday (I give them so many plugs that "State Farm is There'' is my personal anthem), called Ryan the NFL MVP, which seemed to stun his panel pals. Not stunning here.

I really can imagine Peter King laughing and singing the "State Farm is there" jingle while he wipes Brett Favre's jizz off of his chest with a Tony Romo jersey.

5. (tie) Troy Polamalu, S, Pittsburgh; Ray Lewis, MLB, Baltimore; James Harrison, LB, Pittsburgh. The two Steelers guys are here because the stingiest defense in points and yards allowed has to get its due. And Lewis, with a sack and a tackle for loss and another virtuoso performance of running the Raven defense, is playing like he's 25, not 33.

Untouched through the line for a sack! DPOY!

I still believe Bush will be an effective, point-producing player. But he needs to learn that one cut is the way to go. If you can't find a hole after one cut, you've got to burrow ahead and be happy with a three-yard gain -- in both running plays and punt returns -- instead of trying to hit the home run.

You tell him, Peter King. I'm sure Reggie Bush is reading your column for advice on how to run in the NFL. Peter, you've got to learn. Talking about stupid personal minutia in the player's lives is not the way to write a national column about the NFL. Take it from me, I started a free blog on Blogspot.

So you want to know why Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau, boss of the league's stingiest defense, has had so much success over the years?

I'll give you a clue: At 7:28 p.m. Thursday, while the team, coaching staff and front-office staff was at a 5:30 p.m.-8:30 p.m. holiday party at Heinz Field, LeBeau was finishing up practice review for the day and practice preparation for the next day. Then he made a short phone call to me, and made it to the party for the last half-hour or so.

When I'm 71, I pray that I have the energy that man does for his work.

Dick LeBeau is the only coach in the NFL who works long hours. Plus, he has old man musk. Need I say more? Good, because I don't have any actual evidence as to why Dick LeBeau is a really good defensive coach. And why does it matter that he called you? Why is Dick LeBeau calling you? Are you guys discussion travel stories?

Friday afternoon, Montclair, N.J., four-way stop, and I'm at the western stop sign. I have the right of way. No car is at either the north or south stop sign, and a blue Maxima approaches the stop sign across from me.

Honestly, no one cares. I've already lost interest in where this story is going.

I know I'm at a dead stop because I have to shift the car back into first gear, which I do only when the car is stopped.

You drive a manual transmission! MANLY!

I proceed straight into the intersection, and the Maxima, which only slowed down and never came close to stopping, turns left, in front of me, with no signal. Now, we can count the traffic tickets right there on three fingers -- stopping at a stop sign, not signaling on a turn and I think there's also a statute about really ticking me off. So I lean on my horn and the guy driving the Maxima waves me off. Like: You didn't really expect me to stop there, did you?

What if he was there before you? You never mentioned that. Also, stopping at a stop sign is not a traffic ticket. In fact, you are expected to do it.

I'm a bit of a driving hypocrite because I do my share of law-breaking driving. But I've always thought that these municipalities struggling so mightily with reduced budgets could make big dough by simply posting unmarked police cars around town and pinching drivers for rolling through stop signs and going 43 in a 25-mph zone. It might even make people drive the way they're supposed to.

I am a bit of a hypocrite because I also do stuff that I'm not allowed to do on the road, yet I get off on railing on other people for the same violations. I've also always thought that municipalities who need money can ticket drivers who break the laws of the road. The way they could do this would be to dispatch police cars to the areas where people are breaking the laws. They could put a cop at every street corner. This way, all of the tickets they collect might make a dent in the salaries of all of the extra police officers that they can't afford to hire. All this time, people will be murdering each other in non-four way intersection areas of the town.

The Chicago Blackhawks. The Blackhawks set off on a six-game, 12-day road trip on Nov. 18 -- to, in order, Phoenix, Dallas, Toronto, San Jose, Anaheim and Los Angeles. (Who thinks of these itineraries? Magellan?) In between a Saturday night date with the Maple Leafs and a Tuesday noon flight to San Jose, the players were going to have their one day off on the trip, a Sunday, back home with family in Chicago.

LOL! If only Magellen had planes and only had to travel in a 2,000 mile area.

Other than Toronto, what is wrong with that road trip? Anything? Seriously, do we still have planes?

A couple of weeks have passed. The Blackhawks lost all three games on the last leg of the trip, but no one was blaming the Gravenhurst detour. I asked Sharp if the team had any regrets about attending the wake.

"None,'' he said. "No complaints. We were where we should have been. We'd do it again, 100 times.''

So I asked the Chicago Blackhawks if they regretted going to the funeral of a father-like figure to many of them, because they lost some hockey games. Can you believe they said no!?!?! And, can you believe I'm talking to the Chicago Blackhawks in my NFL column?

And that's my good news story of the week. Be proud, Canada. You've raised some nice boys.

Yes, Canada. You have Peter King's regards.

I preface this by acknowledging that I am employed by NBC, the beneficiary of the potential to change the late-season schedule, so you rightfully should look at this and say, "Of course King's going to empathize with the concept of flex scheduling and pay homage to powerful Lord Ebersol. It's helping to pay King's massively bloated salary.'' And you'd be right, sort of. So skip over the section if you don't want to read my propaganda about how good flex scheduling is for the football fan from Orono to Oxnard.

For starters, I don't know anyone who wants to risk a return to those glory days of 2004, when we got 3-11 Cleveland versus 3-11 Miami in Week 16, and the 5-10 Giants and 6-9 Cowboys in week 17. NFL Fever! Catch it!

I don't know what NFL Fever is, or why it's capitalized, but I am kind of hoping that you catch it.

Ebersol listens to lots of voices advising him on which game to request in NBC's six flex weeks, but he relies most heavily on a two-man kitchen cabinet, John Madden and game producer Fred Gaudelli.

A what? A "two-man kitchen cabinet"? What the fuck does that mean? It's a cabinet. You can't add words to it that preface it in other instances. Like, if I say that you, Peter King, have an association with Dick Ebersol, I can't just call it a North American Man-Boy Love Association and expect it to still make sense. Even though it kind of does. Bad example.

Of course, FOX isn't happy losing Carolina and the Giants. But if you're a big fan of the NFL, and you don't have DirecTV or four TVs in your living room, and if you can now see the best AFC game of the weekend (Steelers-Titans) early, a game with possible Wild Card ramifications following that (Eagles-Redskins), and then a game for NFC playoff supremacy (Panthers-Giants), what's better than that?

What was the point of all this? Who's complaining about flex scheduling? FOX?? Who the fuck cares? Who do you think reads your column, football fans who watched the games this past weekend or FOX executives? Why are you pretending that this is a controversial stand? WHY DO YOU INSPIRE SUCH HEAVY QUESTIONMARK USAGE, YOU HEAVY MAN????

a. The excessive reverence for the Heisman Trophy by ESPN had me wretching up my pork chop Saturday night. Did Jesus win the Heisman? Moses? Abraham Lincoln?

This is like the pot calling Ben Wallace black. You make a guy like Derrick Mason sound like Ghandi for talking to people while he signs autographs, and now you have a problem with excessive worship??? Who are you, Jim Jones?

f. Why does every announcer say "football game'' instead of "game'' or "field'' or "player'' over and over and over in the same sound bite? We know the sport is football. Does Joe Buck say, "The Cubs are playing a heck of a baseball game on this baseball field?'' Does Mike Breen say, "This is a basketball game for the ages, and these basketball players out on that basketball floor will remember it forever?''

Does Peter King say, "I'm going to touch Matt Ryan on his manpenis and maybe swallow his manseed?". NO. No he does not.

5. I think if you combined Dallas Clark the receiver and Anthony Fasano the blocker, you'd have a Mackey-Winslow type, a player in the argument for the best tight end ever.

If you combined the best features of any good player with the best features of another good player, you'd probably have a really good player. If you combined Mike Vick and Peyton Manning, you'd have a 4,000-yard passer who runs a 4.3 forty and probably the best QB ever. If you combined Ray Lewis with John Holmes you'd have an HIV-positive linebacker with a large penis who killed two people after a Super Bowl.

a. Good luck to Doug Marrone, the Saints' offensive coordinator, who was released by New Orleans with the team out of playoff contention to take the Syracuse job. Classy call by Sean Payton, to allow Marrone to leave so he can get a jump on recruiting. Marrone's a good man and a smart coach, and Greg Schiano has proven at Rutgers that no job is beyond salvageable.

Get off the fucking Rutgers bandwagon, cockpocket.

f. David Clowney, that was one heck of a catch for the first grab of your career, the one-handed lunger from Brett Favre.

And if anyone knows about one-handed lungers from Brett Favre, it's Peter King.

i. Kelley Washington of the Patriots, on a rainy field in Oakland, made a great, great tackle on a kickoff, pinning the Raiders at their seven.

Holy fuck, man, it was raining. I get it. All of the players were playing in the rain, Peter. This isn't the fucking Wizard of Oz. Rain is not a big deal.

a. How can Devin Hester take a punt and run backward 10 yards, as he did Thursday night against New Orleans? Isn't that against every punt-return fundamental he's ever been taught?

Again, Peter King giving tips to explosive NFL players on how to play the game. That's what some of them do, Peter. Sometimes he turns it into a big gain, sometimes he doesn't. Don't you think that maybe Devin Hester would get the benefit of the doubt? Didn't Antwan Randle-El and Dante Hall do this all the time back in the day? Peter King's "School of Fundamentals For Players Who Have No Reason to Listen to Anything Peter King Says" should be graduating it's inaugural class next April.

8. I think if Steve Slaton (last five games: 156, 73, 130, 120, 100 yards) had been playing this big a role all season, he'd be challenging Adrian Peterson for the rushing title right now.

I think if Steve Slaton had been averaging 115.8 yards a game all season, he'd be in the hunt for the rushing title. I think this because I just multiplied it by 16 and it comes out to 1,853 yards, which is usually enough to put a player in the hunt for the rushing title.

a. Why, oh why, if you're a politician in Illinois do you think you're getting away with anything big? Assuming this latest idiot goes to jail, that makes it four of the past eight Illinois governors who would have been imprisoned.

You hear that, Illinois governors? LISTEN TO PETER KING BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO RAFFLE OFF SENATE SEATS!!!! Apparently selling a senate seat to the highest bidder is ok in any other US state.

d. I think, regrettably, we have to help Detroit. Too many lives at stake to not bail them out. But there'd better be a car plan with vehicles we're actually interested in buying.

Thanks for your insight. Think of all the people who will die if we don't help! Why don't you start by sucking on the exhaust pipe of a Lincoln Navigator?

f. Coffeenerdness: Did an exclusive interview with Marv Albert last night about his coffee habits. Turns out he likes three double-tall cappuccinos a day, and doesn't mind drinking them at room temperature.

g. I have to get a life now.

Self-depriciative humor doesn't help you here. I still think you are a tremendously large bag of douche. If you emptied all of the douche out of the bag, you could probably fit 4,583 liters of Jay Cutler's sperm in there and still have plenty of room to spare.