Thursday, December 4, 2008

Brett Favre is CHILDLIKE out there

And welcome back to NFL Sunday Night Football on ESPN. Before we get into tonight's game in Minnesota, let's discuss some earlier games, specifically the Jets losing at home to Denver, seriously handicapping their chances at a first round playoff bye. Coach?

I know they lost the game Boom but jeez, did you see Brett Favre out there? He was still flingin' and wingin' it all game. He kept them in a game that they wouldn't have otherwise been in. And the thing that impresses me most is his matter what the score is out there, he's still running around on that field like a damn lost child. He's childlike. He's a kid out there, you know, a kid that makes $12 million to throw the ball wherever the hell he pleases.

But Coach, they lost 38-17! Does it really matter how much of a kid Brett Favre is when he's forcing throws into quintuple coverage? I hadn't even seen quintuple coverage before until Brett Favre managed to find it.

(mimicking Keyshawn Johnson)

*But coach, they lost 38-17 mee mee mee mee mee*

Doesn't matter! That's the problem with the players nowadays, they aren't players like we used to be back in the old days. Watch Brett Favre out on the field! I don't care about stats, stats be damned! The fact is that he was so childlike it was like he was sucking on his mom's tits out there!

Coach, don't you think that's taking it too far?

Not at all! Brett Favre plays football like he's got tits in his mouth, pure and simple. We all used to play like we had tits in our mouths back in my day. What this league needs is more players like Favre playing like they have tits in their mouths!

I'm with Coach Ditka here, Favre is running around on that football field like he's in 2nd grade. Seriously, it's like watching a 6'2" second grader playing football, you know, the way he just slings the ball, runs around with a smile on his face, and barely has any grasp at all on what the team is trying to do offensively. And look at what it's gotten them...the Jets are 8-4 even with this loss and primed to win the AFC East division, an outcome that we thought rather unlikely at the beginning when we first started blowing Favre on this show.

I'd blow him right now! It's like they took a premature birth infant and put a Jets uniform on him! He's just happy to be on the field, guys. He's like a damn fetus out there!

Well, as you guys know, I played against Brett Favre for about 35 years....

*rest of studio laughs at stupid jokes*

...ha, so I know a bit about him, and I gotta go with Coach Ditka on this one.

You gotta be kidding me, Cris!

Key, I don't know if you played against Favre, but you gotta trust me on this one. The tits in the mouth stuff is dead accurate. Yeah, he's a fetus out there on that field. He's not even playing for the money, just for the love of the game. He's like a partial birth abortion on that football field.

I'd suck his dick right now if he were in the studio. And not even just figuratively!

*studio laughs at stupid joke*

Heh heh, yeah we'd all probably suck his dick.

Let's go to Mort, live from a midget league football game. Mort?

Thanks, Chris.

I'm here in Athens, GA watching the Athens Tigerfalcons take on the Arnoldsville Lioncats. It's a bit of a barnburner right now with Arnoldsville taking a surprising 12-6 lead, as neither team has been able to kick an extra point. I see a lot of Favre in Lioncats 8-year old QB Tommy Hanson, who is currently 1-8 passing for 3 yards and 2 picks.

More like a lot of Tommy Hanson in Brett Favre, eh Mort?

*studio laughs at stupid joke*

Ha, I'd say, Boomer. As you just saw, Hanson just ran right on a play that was supposed to go left and got sacked for a 6 yard loss by about 4 Tigerfalcon defenders, but he hopped right back up and he's ready to go call another play. It's so fucking cute. That was a Brett Favre type play that we all just saw.

Vintage Brett Favre, Mort. Or is it vintage Tommy Hanson?

*studio laughs at stupid joke*

Tommy Hanson probably had tits in his mouth right before the game!

I just got word that Mort went over to the maternity ward at the local hospital. Mort?

Thanks, Chris. I'm here at the Athens Women's Hospital maternity ward, right down the street from the game. You can see this room full of children behind me, all sleeping in there like a bunch of kids.

That's just so Brett Favre.

Sure is. Imagine how many tits were just in those kids' mouths! Probably at least 20 sets of tits just in the past hour alone!

I'm being told by the nurse that the official count in the past hour is actually 23 pairs of tits.

Holy smokes, 23 pairs of tits! That's old school right there. That's Brett Favre. He's just a damn kid out there, guys!

Such a kid out there, Coach.

Most childlike player in the game today.

Let's go back to Mort. Mort?

Thanks, guys. I'm currently in the home locker room at the Meadowlands. After the game, I managed to catch up with Brett Favre and actually physically blow him in the shower.

What did his dick taste like?

You've got to be kidding me.

Kind of like dreams, coach. I think I tasted some pine in there as well. Very manly.

Wow, Mort, great job. I think we can all say we are jealous of you right now.

Oh, don't worry Boom, you'll get your chance if you want it. Brett seemed to have no problem being blown by a member of the media, and I passed on you guys' regards. And I'll tell you what, he was like a kid when I was blowing him. Like a child, the way he just stood there in the locker room blushing while I was blowing him and complimenting his penis. A lot of "oh shucks" and "gee whiz" and "thanks, Mort". The guy is childlike, plain and simple. Back to you guys.

Thanks and once again, great work Mort.

I told you guys!

I believed you, Coach!

I think we all did, Cris.

Alright, we're gonna go to commercial break and hope Mort gets back to us with the sperm analysis results from the lab when we come back. I'm sure they are going to be impressive. Stay tuned.


AB said...

is this a repeat?

Vern said...


Rage said...

I heard Brett Favre's cock tastes like baseball card bubblegum and regret. Got that straight from Mike take it with a grain o' salt