Vaseline

Hey y'all, Super Bowl champion Michael Strahan here, in the flesh and as not gay as ever.

To become a Super Bowl champion takes tons of hard work, specifically with regards to my body. My body is a large mass of twisted steel, and I work very hard on keeping it that way.

I do stupid drills with red bags.


I pound the fuck out of these red bags to keep my body in tip-top shape. You have to be strong to get off of blockers in the NFL. And getting off of blockers was one of my specialties. Man, did I pound the fuck out of those red bags. And there's nothing gay about that.

After I pound red bags, I lift weights.


For minimum gayness, I do most of my lifting in full uniform in front of a large crowd. The crowd is there to witness my epic manliness. I am there to keep my body in the shape necessary to excel at the highest level of football. There is nothing gay about keeping yourself strong to repel would-be blockers.

But that's not all I do for strength. I also rub vaseline all over my body.


Look at that. That's Vaseline for MEN. Nothing gay about that. I technically prefer "Vaseline for dudes", but both are fine. And neither are gay. And all of this keeps my skin smooth, which is essential for maintaining the strength I used to need to shed blocks. Now I use it because I like smooth, strong skin. Because it repels the gays, AND I'M NOT GAY NO MATTER WHAT MY WIFE SAID IN COURT!

SEE BITCH? LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO FOR MONEY!!!! I'M FUCKING BENCH PRESSING AND USING VASELINE IN A COMMERCIAL. AND I'M STILL NOT GAY YOU WHORE! WHO'S THE FUCKING JOKE ON NOW, SLUT? I HOPE YOU GET SMALLPOX ON YOUR LABIA!!!

Vaseline for men. Strength through jizz-cream.