Monday, December 29, 2008

Rap monologues


I love rap monologues. You know, the parts at the beginning or end of a song where the rapper comes on and gives a barely coherent speech about nothing in particular in raptalk? You know raptalk, right? Like, how Young Jeezy can't answer a question about his next CD with something like "yes, I'm very excited for it, and I think it's going to be my best work yet", but instead says something like "yo this Jeezy dog, straight out the A dog reppin' Atlanta, the snowman, them birds fly south for the winter yaheard listen up nigga, I fuck the streets, I actually pull my dick out and physically have intercourse with the streets ya heard you fuckass niggas? Snowman back out the streets need me this hot shit Jeezy, Atlanta, USDA nigga yaheard?". That's rap talk. It's usually barely intelligible and annoying. But, as a freaking gangster, I listen to it.

On my trip home from Orlando this past weekend, I was playing TI's latest CD, "Paper Trail". Paper Trail is one of the few mainstreet rap releases this year that didn't disappoint me, so I must give TI his props even though he is unquestionably the douchiest, fakest looking gangster rapper in mainstream history. Seriously, look at him. Well, in his song "Ready for Whatever", he ends with this rapalogue:


Ey i said listen homeboy
you can talk all you want mayne you know what im sayin
errybody talking to the king you know what im sayin Everybodys entitled to an opinion you know what im sayin
they like escalades errybody got one
but the fact of the matter remain
if yeaint walk a mile in my shoes and yeaint live a day in my life
yeaint survive the shit i done survived
yeaint had to deal wit the shit i had to deal wit homeboy
you cant muf**kin judge me partner
i mean look at folk like sean taylor
you know what they said they said had he had a strap
he woulda lived today
you know what im sayin
now true enough i did wrong i broke the law
i deserve to be punished i understand that ight cool
but listen man i gotta house full of kids
a mama and an old lady who life in my
responsibility you dig that!?
now for all of yall who think i was jus ridin around on some dumb shit
you know im smarter than you man
you know im smarter than you dawg
ey if you think i was just being stupid
shorty i got some muf**kin ocean front property in Idaho for sale homie
if you beleive that i gotta bridge in brooklyn i wanna sell you partnah
ey man real talk in order to understand my train of thoughts
you'll have to put yo self in my position
you cant expect me to think like you cuz my life aint like yours
you know what im sayin? if you dont understand that you dont
understand english im done talking!


Ok. Let's go.

Ey i said listen homeboy
you can talk all you want mayne you know what im sayin
errybody talking to the king you know what im sayin Everybodys entitled to an opinion you know what im sayin
they like escalades errybody got one

I agree. A lot of people do have Escalades now, to the point that they aren't even cool anymore. Point, "The King".


but the fact of the matter remain
if yeaint walk a mile in my shoes and yeaint live a day in my life
yeaint survive the shit i done survived
yeaint had to deal wit the shit i had to deal wit homeboy
you cant muf**kin judge me partner

Oh no. This is where you are wrong. I absolutely can judge you. I can absolutely look at your, what, third firearms-related felony? You were trying to buy three automatic weapons. And silencers for them. In a Walgreen's parking lot. I don't care what you had to deal with, I can surmise from this information that you are probably borderline retarded.


i mean look at folk like sean taylor
you know what they said they said had he had a strap
he woulda lived today
you know what im sayin

No. I don't. Who said that? Could you please point me in the direction of whoever said that? Because I never heard it. Four dudes broke into his house with guns. This isn't Halo...if Sean Taylor starts shooting at them he's probably still dead today.


now true enough i did wrong i broke the law
i deserve to be punished i understand that ight cool

You are getting a year in jail. And community service. It's barely a slap on the wrist.


but listen man i gotta house full of kids
a mama and an old lady who life is my
responsibility you dig that!?

No. I don't dig that. Three silenced automatic guns? Where the fuck do you live, Beirut? Are they Pakistani royalty or something? Were you married to Benazir Bhutto?


now for all of yall who think i was jus ridin around on some dumb shit
you know im smarter than you man
you know im smarter than you dawg

Probably not. I'm pretty sure you are a complete dumbass, actually. You could probably play the lead role in Flowers for Algernon up until the surgery.


ey if you think i was just being stupid
shorty i got some muf**kin ocean front property in Idaho for sale homie

I guess I'm interested? For all I know, you are actually confusing Idaho and the Ivory Coast.


if you beleive that i gotta bridge in brooklyn i wanna sell you partnah

aight will you take trap money dawg?


ey man real talk in order to understand my train of thoughts
you'll have to put yo self in my position

I'm trying. Right now, I've decided to place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell me automatic weapons at the local Walgreen's. No hits thusfar, but I'm optomistic.


you cant expect me to think like you cuz my life aint like yours
you know what im sayin? if you dont understand that you dont
understand english im done talking!

I realize that you live a different life than me. However, I do not realize why you would need three silenced automatic weapons. Please, enlighten me. YOU CANNOT BE DONE TALKING! NO!!!!! NOOOOOO TI!!!!! COME BACK! You come back here and you explain it to me in whatever language I do understand!

Fuck. He left. I'm never going to figure this out.

2 comments:

Rage said...

no you ain't, on tha real, gangsta

eyebleaf said...

That was fucking hilarious. Well done.

Rapalogues like Jeezy's at the top are the best things in life.