It's Tricky: Lil' Scrappy

It's Tricky is a segment that will cover just how tricky it is to not only rock a rhyme, but to also rock that rhyme right on time. First up is Lil' Scrappy. Of course he has Lil' in his name. He also seems to like gold a lot. I guess that's standard for rappers.

Anyway, in the old (2005 I believe) Young Jeezy song "Bang Bang", Mr. Scrappy comes strong with the following line:


Gotta lifetime of trouble and my brain still nervous
I don't rep the A by mistake I do the shit on purpose


Uhhh...who reps a city on accident? I can imagine rappers actually repping the wrong place and being told about it to shocked dismay.


"Oh shit dog, fuck, I totally thought I was repping Baltimore and I ended up repping Des Moines!"

"WHAT! You mean I was born in Pittsburgh and not Houston? FUCK! I'm totally repping the wrong place!"

"I can't believe I was repping Vancouver the entire time! ATLANTA IS GONNA BE SO PISSED!"

"Why didn't you guys tell me that I was accidentally repping Key West instead of Buffalo? I hate you guys!"


Gunpowder Jones knows EXACTLY where he is repping at all times. You can take that to the bank.

Hoes in Different Area Codes

LUDA! I love how the sideburns look like dripping skeetshots. Well-played. I'm guessing he got it done at a salon called "Nappy Hour".

Anyways, this isn't a hair-critique blog. It's a blog about hoes and hymens and raping waitresses and getting cockwhipped and Pierre McGuire and rap lyrics and sporting satire and anything but hair. And this entry will focus on the hoes. Specifically, how Ludacris has them in different area codes.

Well, I travel a lot for work. Maybe not "a lot", but a good 8 times a year. And I've realized...not only do I have hoes in different area codes, it's actually easier to have hoes in different area codes. It's so much more difficult to maintain hoes in your own current area code than it is to have them in other ones. Hear a player out. A ho in your area code is going to eventually want more from you and your cock or decide she wants nothing to do with you. And your cock. Yeah. But a ho in another area code knows for a fact that you and your penis are just flying in and leaving. She doesn't take it as a slight when your cock leaves. I mean, you live far away. You were just in for a few days. Doesn't speak to her at all about her worthiness as a wife or whatever you wenches think about. But local hoes...they want to be loved. They don't want to be used and left. Every single local girl I have inevitably gets fed up with just being the target of my jizzshots without fail. But the girls in different area codes? They just want to use my wang as much as I just want to use it on them. It works perfectly. Seamless. No drama at all.

So you know what, Ludacris? I'm on to you. Having hoes in different area codes doesn't make you a pimp. It just makes you a reasonable person with a penchant for flying. So in the meantime, I'm gonna go fuck some chick in Iowa.

I need some tats

I mean I'm as gangster as most, but come on. I can't compete with that. I need some tats!

What the f was Lil' Wayne thinking? That's just...I have no words for it. Gonna look great when he's 50. And what do the groupies think when he's hitting it? Is it like fucking a Microsoft Word document?

I gotta get some ink. Maybe a horse galloping across my back with a dude carrying a banner with some statement about life, like "IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BOX OF CHOCOLATES IS LIKE LIFE!".

EVIDENCE!!!

Yeah, Air McNair was shot to death by perhaps a jilted 20-year old lover or maybe a friend of the 20-year old chick or maybe even a fucking ninja for all we know right now. And it was crazy. True warriors who just win don't get shot every major holiday, you know. This is not what the founding fathers had in mind when they originally decided to get all independent in this shizz.

But, police recently showed that they are not playing around here with this case and uncovered some very damning evidence against an ex-boyfriend of the 20-year old girl...A RAP SONG WITH KILLING LYRICS IN IT!

Now I don't want to be one to jump to retarded conclusions here, because I have no idea what happened and this Norfleet guy could have killed both McNair and Nicole Kazemi and JonBenét Ramsey for all I know. But how are these "chilling" lyrics "eerily similar to McNair's murder"?


Here are the lyrics:



(Chorus)
"I don’t wanna be like this
I don’t really wanna hurt no feelings
But I’m only being real when I say
Nobody wanna see an old man collapse
And old men have heart attacks
I don’t wanna be responsible for that
So let the s**t go and walk away
You can still have a little bit of dignity"

(Lyrics)
“I would never claim to be no
Benjamin Tebow, an 83-Year old fake Pacino
So how could he run his mouth about me
Knowing nothing about me

I love it when a dumbass doubts me
Until I pull the pistol out proudly
Put the clip in his mouth
Til this motherf***er shouts, ‘please don’t kill’
Have you sippin through a straw for the next 8 months
That’s if you even make it through it alive you dumb f**k

Try to stunt and front and fronting in front of somebody else
Til you're surrounded by 20 people With nobody’s help
IF you try to go incredible hulk it won’t work
Put so many holes in you your nerves won’t even jerk
Lurking in the shadows thinking and scheming of work
Got a little cocky so you decided to flirt
Now you’re flirting with death"

The final verse in the song set to Eminem's "Nail in the Coffin" instrumental track is as follows;

"If you ever do it again b***h I’m not rapping
I’m getting a clip and clapping and I’m not laughing
They’re wrapping you up for your little trip to the morgue
While I’m preparing for my trip to the shore,
Don’t ignore me, I’m not lying, I couldn’t be more honest
If you ever do it again, you’ll die, I promise.”


Uh....huh? Because he said old man? He said he was going to die of a heart attack or something? This is weaksauce, The Internet. Come on. This doesn't prove anything. It's a fucking RAP SONG! It's supposed to talk about killing people! Have any of you people listened to rap in the past 3,000 years?

I imagine we will be arresting DMX for the Black Dahlia murder, Young Jeezy for JFK's assassination, and hell, Eric Clapton for the murder of the Pittsburgh police officers? Jeez. And what the hell would this guy be trying to prove with this song, entitled "Closed Casket"? Does it show the depths of his true love for Kazemi? "I love you bitch, but if you ever cheat on me with a retired NFL QB again I will fucking kill something with a gun"?


Let me show you rap lyrics to which the phrase "eerily similar to McNair's death" would be applicable:


(verse)
Yo mothercocksuckers I don't wanna do this shizz
But I'm gonna have to make this point to this bitch
If you keep running 'round Nashville with Steve McNair
I'm gonna frame a murder-suicide with you and Steve McNair
Then there won't be anymore fucking Steve McNair
Just you lying dead there with Steve McNair
And everyone will think you killed yourself and Steve McNair
I think the Ultimate Warrior's clothing looked like sleeves with hair

(chorus)
Yo bittttttch, if you keep fuckin' old retired NFL QBs that played with the Oilers, Titans and Ravens
I'm gonnnnna motherfuckinnnn killlllll youuuuuuu and him too
But I'll make it look like I didn't do it

(verse 2)
Yo, 4 bullet holes to that number 9 jersey
One to your head, yes, this assassins for dummies book's working
Lay the bodies out on the couch and the floor
30 minutes later, call police to the door
60 minutes later, put some tweets on Twitter
80 minutes later jack off till it blisters
Two hours later put a rap on Myspace
Cause I killed Steve McNair, good luck with that case


Yeah. THAT guy killed Steve McNair. Fuck it...I killed Steve McNair. Did you see that song I just wrote? I fucking did it. Let me write some more lyrics:


I'm teabaggin' sluts, I can't put my balls away
Reminds me of that time I kidnapped Natalee Holloway

Yeah, I know how to handle a cold fifth
Kinda like when I suffocated Anna Nicole Smith

Ask the questions, you know I got the answers
I'm the one that gave Ulysses S. Grant cancer

The hoes are the game, and I know how to play
Until I blatantly injected Eazy-E with AIDS


I'm a baaaaaad man.

My roof is made out of metal

Yes, that’s right…my car’s roof is made out of metal. Of some sort. Whatever cars are made out of. So I guess my roof is made out of car. AND THAT SUCKS.

See, last year I had this sweet deal on a convertible and, while the typical Florida weather hovers around hot as balls with spot torrential rainstorms, I still pretty much de-roofed it every day. And yeah, I’d blast the gangster stuff, because that’s just who I am. Young Jeezy can get a sweet ass deal on coke, or so he says, and I can identify with that. I used to cop bricks by the kilo as well…you know, back when I was trying to find ways to improve my knowledge of the metric system. Mad grams up in this hizzy, yo. But it wouldn’t even matter what it was…I was a superstar in that whip. I could drive by just blasting Pat Benatar’s “Love is a Battlefield” and people would look over all like, “oh snap look at that gangsta mothafuckkkaaaaaa!!!” and I’d just be rocking out like “HEARTACHE TO HEARTACHE WE STAND, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!”…oh, those were the days.

But now, now that I have a regular whip, things just aren’t as cool anymore. This car actually probably has better speaks than the old whip, as the dude that used to own it must have shared a similar affinity for pumping the ol’ bass. But…I have child-safety windows in the back. I realized that today when I was playing my current jam (Rich Boy - Drop – get used to it, you will probably be sick of it by fall), that, you know, this just isn’t gangster. MY WINDOWS DON’T EVEN GO ALL THE WAY DOWN! That is NOT gangster. That is the opposite of gangster…that is accounting. I’m rollin’down 441 with my speaks going nuts, “drop….drop….” and motherfurnaces are all staring like, “look at this accountant…that accountant ain’t gangster”. And I have to look out the window and yell that “I AM NOT A FUCKING ACCOUNTANT!”. Gay.

So, fuck you, Audi. You know damn well that car wasn’t worth $28,000, and I hope you never sell it. I also hope it gets AIDS. Good luck selling a car with AIDS, cocksicles.

Hey rappers...

...would you please shut the fuck up about running the streets already? You don't run the streets. You just rhyme about crack. Every city has streets that are claimed to be ran by the rappers of that city, like the people that actually do run the streets sit around and wait for 50 Cent's next CD to drop before they strip your Elantra. That's not the case. YOU DO NOT "RUN THE STREETS", RAPPERS...I don't even know what that means, but you don't do it. Stop yelling at your audience of 16-year old white girls that you are running streets.

Why is this phenomenon simply limited to rap music? No other genres have this problem. Soundgarden doesn't drop their guitars and yell about how they run the underground grunge clubs of Seattle. Celine Dion doesn't sing about how nothing happens in the Canadian Prairies until she says so. But why? It obviously works for rappers, and these other musicians are just missing out on an opportunity to gain some more ground on the rap scene.

So listen up, Tim McGraw...at your next concert, perform "Don't Take The Girl" or something and then just smash your guitar and yell at the people in attendance with "I FUCKING RUN THESE FARMS!!!!", and just sit there and stare at them until they start to cheer. "AIN'T SHIT HAPPEN ON THESE FARMS WITHOUT ME!!!!". I'm telling you, Tim, the crowd will go wild. And before long, you WILL run these fucking farms. Trust me.

New Gunpowder Jones CD coming soon

Gunpowder Jone's highly anticipated third CD, "Make It Rainbow", is due to hit the internets within a month or so. This one as with the previous two features reused beats and no star power. It can be yours for the small price of completely free.

I know you all need your Gunpowder Jones fix, and I'm doing the best that I can. In the meantime, www.myspace.com/gunpowderjones is your home for all things GPJ.

Represent.

Rap monologues

I love rap monologues. You know, the parts at the beginning or end of a song where the rapper comes on and gives a barely coherent speech about nothing in particular in raptalk? You know raptalk, right? Like, how Young Jeezy can't answer a question about his next CD with something like "yes, I'm very excited for it, and I think it's going to be my best work yet", but instead says something like "yo this Jeezy dog, straight out the A dog reppin' Atlanta, the snowman, them birds fly south for the winter yaheard listen up nigga, I fuck the streets, I actually pull my dick out and physically have intercourse with the streets ya heard you fuckass niggas? Snowman back out the streets need me this hot shit Jeezy, Atlanta, USDA nigga yaheard?". That's rap talk. It's usually barely intelligible and annoying. But, as a freaking gangster, I listen to it.

On my trip home from Orlando this past weekend, I was playing TI's latest CD, "Paper Trail". Paper Trail is one of the few mainstreet rap releases this year that didn't disappoint me, so I must give TI his props even though he is unquestionably the douchiest, fakest looking gangster rapper in mainstream history. Seriously, look at him. Well, in his song "Ready for Whatever", he ends with this rapalogue:


Ey i said listen homeboy
you can talk all you want mayne you know what im sayin
errybody talking to the king you know what im sayin Everybodys entitled to an opinion you know what im sayin
they like escalades errybody got one
but the fact of the matter remain
if yeaint walk a mile in my shoes and yeaint live a day in my life
yeaint survive the shit i done survived
yeaint had to deal wit the shit i had to deal wit homeboy
you cant muf**kin judge me partner
i mean look at folk like sean taylor
you know what they said they said had he had a strap
he woulda lived today
you know what im sayin
now true enough i did wrong i broke the law
i deserve to be punished i understand that ight cool
but listen man i gotta house full of kids
a mama and an old lady who life in my
responsibility you dig that!?
now for all of yall who think i was jus ridin around on some dumb shit
you know im smarter than you man
you know im smarter than you dawg
ey if you think i was just being stupid
shorty i got some muf**kin ocean front property in Idaho for sale homie
if you beleive that i gotta bridge in brooklyn i wanna sell you partnah
ey man real talk in order to understand my train of thoughts
you'll have to put yo self in my position
you cant expect me to think like you cuz my life aint like yours
you know what im sayin? if you dont understand that you dont
understand english im done talking!


Ok. Let's go.

Ey i said listen homeboy
you can talk all you want mayne you know what im sayin
errybody talking to the king you know what im sayin Everybodys entitled to an opinion you know what im sayin
they like escalades errybody got one

I agree. A lot of people do have Escalades now, to the point that they aren't even cool anymore. Point, "The King".


but the fact of the matter remain
if yeaint walk a mile in my shoes and yeaint live a day in my life
yeaint survive the shit i done survived
yeaint had to deal wit the shit i had to deal wit homeboy
you cant muf**kin judge me partner

Oh no. This is where you are wrong. I absolutely can judge you. I can absolutely look at your, what, third firearms-related felony? You were trying to buy three automatic weapons. And silencers for them. In a Walgreen's parking lot. I don't care what you had to deal with, I can surmise from this information that you are probably borderline retarded.


i mean look at folk like sean taylor
you know what they said they said had he had a strap
he woulda lived today
you know what im sayin

No. I don't. Who said that? Could you please point me in the direction of whoever said that? Because I never heard it. Four dudes broke into his house with guns. This isn't Halo...if Sean Taylor starts shooting at them he's probably still dead today.


now true enough i did wrong i broke the law
i deserve to be punished i understand that ight cool

You are getting a year in jail. And community service. It's barely a slap on the wrist.


but listen man i gotta house full of kids
a mama and an old lady who life is my
responsibility you dig that!?

No. I don't dig that. Three silenced automatic guns? Where the fuck do you live, Beirut? Are they Pakistani royalty or something? Were you married to Benazir Bhutto?


now for all of yall who think i was jus ridin around on some dumb shit
you know im smarter than you man
you know im smarter than you dawg

Probably not. I'm pretty sure you are a complete dumbass, actually. You could probably play the lead role in Flowers for Algernon up until the surgery.


ey if you think i was just being stupid
shorty i got some muf**kin ocean front property in Idaho for sale homie

I guess I'm interested? For all I know, you are actually confusing Idaho and the Ivory Coast.


if you beleive that i gotta bridge in brooklyn i wanna sell you partnah

aight will you take trap money dawg?


ey man real talk in order to understand my train of thoughts
you'll have to put yo self in my position

I'm trying. Right now, I've decided to place an ad on Craigslist to see if anyone will sell me automatic weapons at the local Walgreen's. No hits thusfar, but I'm optomistic.


you cant expect me to think like you cuz my life aint like yours
you know what im sayin? if you dont understand that you dont
understand english im done talking!

I realize that you live a different life than me. However, I do not realize why you would need three silenced automatic weapons. Please, enlighten me. YOU CANNOT BE DONE TALKING! NO!!!!! NOOOOOO TI!!!!! COME BACK! You come back here and you explain it to me in whatever language I do understand!

Fuck. He left. I'm never going to figure this out.

I got a double bed

One's to sleep on, the other one's to get my freak on. It's all for the ladies.

However, the duvet cover on this bed is filled with 400-threadcount NONSENSE, Cassidy. I don't care if this song is 5 years old at this point. I heard it recently and was reminded how ridiculous this line was. Why was he allowed to get away with that? A double bed is one bed! You sleep on and freak on the same bed, just like the rest of us who don't take advantage of private booths in Amsterdam. You freak on it. And then you sleep on it. How weird would that be anyway, if you had like, two single beds in one room and you're banging this cougar on one and then you gotta be like...ok, cougar, well, thanks for touching my penis, but I gotta go sleep on that other bed right there. Yeah. That's the bed I sleep on. I just get my freak on on this one. Thanks for your time.

THE COUGAR WOULD BE PISSED!

Cassidy used to be a mixtape superstar back in the early 2000s, just like 50 Cent was slightly beforehand. Well, Cassidy came out to the world with this stupid ass song and I was hugely disappointed with his entire effort on that CD, but I think this line is why he never became a star. Karma was like...whatthefuck did you just say? Don't you know what a double bed is? Have you not been to Sears? 50 Cent fared slightly better, even though he sucks at rap. Crazy how things work out.

So, I guess I'm going to try to procure another bed to put in my room, just so I can live Cassidy's dream. I'm gonna be the guy banging the cougars and saying...sorry, but I get my sleep on in that bed. I trust you understand, coug.