Monday, August 24, 2009

Dolphin Time

So, as you may or may not have heard...T-Pain recorded the Miami Dolphins Fight Song with his own distinct autotuned flair. And the reactions have been quite negative.

As such, the Dolphins commissioned Gunpowder Jones to come up with his version and hopefully win some of those fans back. His attempt:

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

OMG, socialism!!!

Yeah, you got that one right, kids. That's Mao Zedong, November 2001's Dictator of the Month! Congrats, Mao!

So, as could be expected, the cries of socialism that we heard pre-election are really ratcheting up right now as Obama begins to actually do things in office. Town hall meetings are being flooded with retards absolutely frightened of Obama and clinging to the only thing that they trust, their Glenn Becks. HE'S A GOD DAMNED DIRTY SOCIALIST, I TELL YOU!

No, lady, let me tell you. Ok. First, understand what socialism is. If your dictionary defines socialism as "a 3% income tax increase on the highest bracket along with a public healthcare option", then please, throw that dictionary away. Or just cut a hole in it and use it to transport your meth around. But please, do not use the actual definitions inside of it.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SOCIALIST AND ALWAYS WILL BE. We are not a democracy. We are a republic. We have elected leaders. Our checks and balances consist of like, 500 people total in a nation of 275 million. So, if you motherfuckers in Detroit don't like something that Justice Antonin Scalia believes, better hope that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has your back, or else you are completely and wholly horsefucked right in your bankrupt foreclosed asses. We have always had welfare. We have had Medicare. THIS IS NOT FUCKING NEW. You retards are going to have your taxes LOWERED by Obama because you do not make $250 K a year.

Two things here....first, insurance. Health insurance. Public options. "How can private insurers compete with a government option that doesn't have to pay taxes!". Good question. But save it for now and ask it to yourself the next time you send something with FedEx. Or the next time you drive your Nationwide-insured car, eschewing the horrible state-insurance option. Or maybe the next time you fuck some drunk chick with your Trojan-sheathed whiskeydick instead of adhering to the government's abstinence-only policy. Wait, Palin didn't get elected. But still, how can Trojan compete with abstinence? Insurance companies have been accused of collusion in the past and, as profit-based enterprises, the best way for them to make a profit is to deny every claim that they can possibly deny. All the government plan is attempting to do is to keep them honest. Do you really trust the insurance companies? While you may disagree with the option, which is fine, just try not to be convinced that a public option will destroy private insurance and forcefully titfuck the "American Way". It won't.

Staying on the topic of insurance, there is a good economic reason to have insurance. Let's consider auto insurance. You are required to have auto insurance. Because when you hit some douchebag Oregon-liberal right in his gay little Prius, somebody is going to have to pay to fix the little engine on his car that converts flowers into torque. And you can't afford it. That's why you have insurance. Who do you think it is fucking up auto insurance for the rest of us? It's the uninsured. Economics is also behind the reasoning for the law requiring seat belts to be worn. It may be your body, but we don't give a fuck. Because when your dumb ass flies through the windshield, WE have to pay more to keep you on life support. WE have to pay more for all of the surgeries that you are going to require now to reattach your leg.

So, don't give me that "it should be my choice whether or not I have health insurance!" argument. You may believe it, but I don't. Because when you get cancer, do you think we are going to just let you sit there and die? Or, when you get shot, do you think that we are just going to let your uninsured ass bleed to death there on the street? No. The hospital is going to treat you, get stiffed, and the ripple effect following will raise everybody else's health insurance in the end. So why don't we just see if we can insure everybody? If not, the rest of us are paying for your right not to have health insurance. You fucking socialist. So that's my argument when you ask me how we are going to pay for all of the grand scheme of things, I think most current insurance prices will drop. Might I be wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely. I don't know much about economics. However, I will contend that you don't either, because no one does. It's an inexact "science". If one side was right and the other was wrong, we'd have a perpetual cycle of one side fucking up everything they touch and the other bringing it all back together. But we don't have that. Possibly because the only economics those 500 or so in power care about are their own, but that's a different story.

And secondly, socialism. Welfare. Medicare. Food stamps. GET A FUCKING JOB! That's easy for you to say, everybody with a job. Hey homeless guy, get a fucking job! Yeah. I'm sure he actually just turned down a position at Target. I don't want the government taking my money and giving it to these poor ass motherfuckers while they sit around and enjoy the good life in Section 8 housing! Come on, people. First of all, perfect unemployment is not only practically impossible, it's not even recommended economically. Second, is you think sitting around and collecting $200 a month in food stamps is the life, then go do it. Go ahead, cowboy, this is America. You have the freedom. And if you tell me you'd rather not because your patriotic hands would rather sweat and callus and make valves for some employer who most likely doesn't give the slightest fuck about you, I'm going to jizz on your Toby Keith CDs. You do it because you like being able to afford, like, cable. Seriously, man. I actually like Toby Keith. I don't want to have to do this.

(EDIT: Upon second thought, the "partial unemployment is economically recommended" argument is disingenuous for the point I'm making. Sure, it's true, but it doesn't really address welfare recipients so much as it addresses people waiting in the wings and keeping wages reasonable and productivity high.)

And, truly, welfare and its ilk keep those poor motherfuckers from attacking you. If you cut welfare out, you had better have one hell of a security force because these legions of hungry ass people who don't have a single thing to live for know that you have money. And they are coming to your house. Probably with a gun, since there are so many of them out there. Welfare is as much about humanitarianism as it is about assuaging the masses and keeping them complacent. So please, for the good of the rest of us, pay that extra $103 a year or whatever it takes in taxes to keep welfare going.

We have always had socialist tendencies. But we are not truly socialist. In a truly socialist state, yes, you would have public health care. But it wouldn't be an option. You'd just take it. And you'd go to work where the government told you to go to work. And you'd do what they told you to do. And you'd get a monthly stipend. And that's it. The government would control all industry (well, I guess they are kind of getting close to that, actually). You can disagree with some of Obama's policies. Hell, I do myself. I think him and Bush and very similar and don't see how someone could love Bush and hate Obama and vice versa. But don't be a moron about it. Don't bring that weak "but he's a socialist!" stuff in here, because I'm going to get all argumentative and start raising my voice and possibly end up cockslapping you in the face. If your main argument is to vapidly characterize Obama as a dirty commie socialist, I'm going to characterize you as a fucking retard.

Ok. Now let's get back to talking about Vince Young's sadfaces.


Ok, you might not all be track and field aficionados, should probably recognize that Usain Bolt is being ridiculous right now. Like, he's doing things that were, as of a few years ago, only possible on that track and field game that I rented once for Sega Dreamcast. A 9.58? It seemed possible after the Olympics last year, but not for a few years after Bolt gradually lowered the record under 9.60. This is a huge jump in a record that studies had actually shown (seriously) may had been asymptotically close to approaching its peak. Well, Bolt just blew it out of the water, and I don't mean that he gave it a BJ on dry land. I MEAN HE TOTALLY WRECKED SHOP ON THE TRACK!

This 1.2% decrease in the world record is astounding, so let me put that 1.2% into perspective for you.

- Imagine that instead of having a population of 8.3 million, NYC had a population of 8.4 million. OMG CRAZYTIME!

- Imagine the media reaction over the JonBenet Ramsey ordeal if instead of being 7 years old, she were only 6.916 years old! INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

- Mark McGwire's 70 homerun season bested Roger Maris' 61 homerun season by 9 homeruns. Wow. But imagine if Big Mac had beaten Maris by 9.109 homeruns! HOLY MOTHER OF GREG LOUGANIS!

- I once did 2 chicks in one day. Yeah, I know...straight player status, yo! But imagine if I had f-ed 2.024 girls that day. WOW! You'd all be asking me what my secrets were!

- An astronomical unit is defined as equivalent to the average distance between the Earth and the Sun, or 93 million miles. But imagine if it were 94.116 million miles. WE'D ALL FREEZE TO DEATH LIKE RULON GARDNER!!!!!

Hopefully these anecdotes help to show the novices amongst us the true impact of Bolt's record sprint. Putting his accomplishments in perspective like this will blow your mind!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Craigslist time


I'm Going to Dip My Penis in Applesauce - m4w - 25 (Weston, FL)


And then, post-apples, you are going to taste it. Therefore, you must be a woman who likes the taste of applesauce and penis. Or just likes penis and is willing to try applesauce. I guess vice versa will do. Preferential treatment will be given to those who have actually tasted applesauce-covered penis before and enjoyed the texture and flavor. You can really taste the apples.

To clarify some things here, I'm not looking for a dude. Yes, I get it, it's Craigslist. I'm going to post this and almost immediately my inbox will fill up with dudes emailing me pictures of their wangs and offering to give me a BJ on their lunch break. Well, on my lunch break, I'm going to buy some applesauce. So fuck you. This is for women who love applesauce cock only. And yes, you heard me, ladies...I will provide both the cock AND the applesauce. I'll give you a ride if you need it. Whatever. Like I ain't got room for you and some applesauce in my Smartcar. I’ve got that kind of serious cash flow right now. Who the fuck do you think I am, Michael Vick? Motherfucker, I'm ballin'. 14-inch rims on my whip. Yeah. Throw some lowercase d's on that bitch!

So let me know, ladies. I'll pick you up, we'll drive out to my house, maybe listen to some Tears for Fears and Depeche Mode on the way out just to get in the mood, you know, talk about the economy and hurricanes and Bernie Madoff's audacity and anything but cock and applesauce. But when we get to my house...yeah. I'm getting out the Mott's applesauce, pouring it into the bucket I usually use when I'm washing my car, and dipping my penis right into that sauce. And then? Well, that applecock's going right into your mouth, my dear. You can polish that off like Billy Mays in an Oxyclean commercial. In fact, you can suck the applesauce off in memory of Billy Mays. What a tribute! I’m hard just thinking about this.

So, in summary, please be like, ehh, let’s say 20-30, enjoy applesauce, you should like to taste penises, and also be willing to blow a complete, applesauce-cocked stranger on a random afternoon rendezvous.

I have included a picture of me covering my penis in applesauce.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I freaking get it, Facebook

I am getting so damn tired of these stupid emails everytime anybody does anything on Facebook that it makes me want to kidnap an 18-year old girl on Spring Break in Aruba. I GET IT. Yes, Jim Thomas also commented on Jen Cocknballs' status, saying "fabulous!", or "I was just there 8 days ago!", or "we should totally have genital intercourse!".

I'm just trying to make a joke, ok? Beth is packing :(, and I'm all like "yeah, try being me, I'm ALWAYS packing!" (I never fail to make that joke on Facebook statuses), and then I have to deal with a deluge of emails about how Ann Jones and Chad Littleballs and Veronica Vagflaps are offering to help and Dave Tigerclaws feels bad for her and Nicole Buttermilk wants to help but can't and Kyle Roethlisholmes got herpes from her lol, and I DON'T CARE. Stop emailing me stupid updates! It's enough to make me NOT want to leave off-color jokes on your status. You've been warned, America.

"But, Vern, can't you just delete the emails?". Yes, I can. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. The point is that I still get legitimately excited when I get an's like when you got real mail as a kid. I see the gmail notifier pop up and I'm like, ohhhh, I have mail! I hope it's something cool like an awesome thing to do this weekend or some chick responding to my Craigslist ad and offering to blow me while wearing an authentic kimono or something cool like that.

But when it's some dude saying "heyyyy!" below me? I don't need to know about that. I can do without it. FIGURE IT OUT, FACEBOOK! Make an algorithm or something, you rich fucks.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Plaxico is gonna go to jail FOR LIFE!

I hate mandatory sentences.

They're stupid. Why even have a judge? In cases with mandatory sentences, we can save money by not having judges sitting around wasting taxpayer time by, well, reading and banging gavels. You don't need any legal background to tell the jury to vote and read their decision. Hey, guilty! Sweet! 5 years, mandatory. You shouldn't have stolen that candy bar, sir!

Plaxico Burress is apparently going to be a victim of this law, as the mandatory NYC minimum punishment for carrying an unlicensed gun is 3.5 years in jail getting prison-raped and starting handjob Ponzi schemes. And it didn't really help his case when the gay mayor of NYC (Bloomberg) came out and pretty much demanded that he get that sentence. Which I'm sure really helped out the cause and didn't in any way set up a potential mistrial claim if Plax loses.

However, I still don't think he's going to see much if any time in prison. And that's not just because I have a $10 bet riding on Plax receiving under 90.5 days. They've already decided not to go after Antonio Pierce (who helped Plax attempt to cover it up) as they probably realize they aren't going to get any conviction and are throwing everything they have into going after Plaxico, no doubt under pressure from the higher-ups.

But, really. He had a gun on an expired out-of-state permit. And shot himself. Sure, he could have hurt somebody else. That goes for drunk drivers, people speeding on the highway, and people who use illegal fireworks. However, I don't see them getting mandatory 3.5 year sentences. This would be like driving 150 mph on a suspended out-of-state license. Sure, you are an idiot and should be taken off the road before you kill someone. But I wouldn't give you 3.5 years in jail automatically. Unless of course you did kill someone. Say what you want, but that's how our legal system works. Sure the sentences are there to discourage crime, but that's not going to convince me that they are a good idea. Most people towards whom that law is directed are not concerned about an additional 3.5 years when they pull out their unregistered guns. If you really want to discourage crimes, start cutting people's dicks off when they get disorderly in public. It will cut down on crime!

So, we'll see what Plaxico gets, but I'm betting that some sort of plea bargain will be reached in the interests of both parties. However, I don't know that the prosecutors will be keeping their jobs if they plea bargain it down too low. Fucking're a billionaire and you might end up costing me $10. You greedy gay cocksucker.