OMG, socialism!!!

Yeah, you got that one right, kids. That's Mao Zedong, November 2001's Dictator of the Month! Congrats, Mao!

So, as could be expected, the cries of socialism that we heard pre-election are really ratcheting up right now as Obama begins to actually do things in office. Town hall meetings are being flooded with retards absolutely frightened of Obama and clinging to the only thing that they trust, their Glenn Becks. HE'S A GOD DAMNED DIRTY SOCIALIST, I TELL YOU!

No, lady, let me tell you. Ok. First, understand what socialism is. If your dictionary defines socialism as "a 3% income tax increase on the highest bracket along with a public healthcare option", then please, throw that dictionary away. Or just cut a hole in it and use it to transport your meth around. But please, do not use the actual definitions inside of it.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SOCIALIST AND ALWAYS WILL BE. We are not a democracy. We are a republic. We have elected leaders. Our checks and balances consist of like, 500 people total in a nation of 275 million. So, if you motherfuckers in Detroit don't like something that Justice Antonin Scalia believes, well...you better hope that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has your back, or else you are completely and wholly horsefucked right in your bankrupt foreclosed asses. We have always had welfare. We have had Medicare. THIS IS NOT FUCKING NEW. You retards are going to have your taxes LOWERED by Obama because you do not make $250 K a year.

Two things here....first, insurance. Health insurance. Public options. "How can private insurers compete with a government option that doesn't have to pay taxes!". Good question. But save it for now and ask it to yourself the next time you send something with FedEx. Or the next time you drive your Nationwide-insured car, eschewing the horrible state-insurance option. Or maybe the next time you fuck some drunk chick with your Trojan-sheathed whiskeydick instead of adhering to the government's abstinence-only policy. Wait, Palin didn't get elected. But still, how can Trojan compete with abstinence? Insurance companies have been accused of collusion in the past and, as profit-based enterprises, the best way for them to make a profit is to deny every claim that they can possibly deny. All the government plan is attempting to do is to keep them honest. Do you really trust the insurance companies? While you may disagree with the option, which is fine, just try not to be convinced that a public option will destroy private insurance and forcefully titfuck the "American Way". It won't.

Staying on the topic of insurance, there is a good economic reason to have insurance. Let's consider auto insurance. You are required to have auto insurance. Because when you hit some douchebag Oregon-liberal right in his gay little Prius, somebody is going to have to pay to fix the little engine on his car that converts flowers into torque. And you can't afford it. That's why you have insurance. Who do you think it is fucking up auto insurance for the rest of us? It's the uninsured. Economics is also behind the reasoning for the law requiring seat belts to be worn. It may be your body, but we don't give a fuck. Because when your dumb ass flies through the windshield, WE have to pay more to keep you on life support. WE have to pay more for all of the surgeries that you are going to require now to reattach your leg.

So, don't give me that "it should be my choice whether or not I have health insurance!" argument. You may believe it, but I don't. Because when you get cancer, do you think we are going to just let you sit there and die? Or, when you get shot, do you think that we are just going to let your uninsured ass bleed to death there on the street? No. The hospital is going to treat you, get stiffed, and the ripple effect following will raise everybody else's health insurance in the end. So why don't we just see if we can insure everybody? If not, the rest of us are paying for your right not to have health insurance. You fucking socialist. So that's my argument when you ask me how we are going to pay for all of this...in the grand scheme of things, I think most current insurance prices will drop. Might I be wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely. I don't know much about economics. However, I will contend that you don't either, because no one does. It's an inexact "science". If one side was right and the other was wrong, we'd have a perpetual cycle of one side fucking up everything they touch and the other bringing it all back together. But we don't have that. Possibly because the only economics those 500 or so in power care about are their own, but that's a different story.

And secondly, socialism. Welfare. Medicare. Food stamps. GET A FUCKING JOB! That's easy for you to say, everybody with a job. Hey homeless guy, get a fucking job! Yeah. I'm sure he actually just turned down a position at Target. I don't want the government taking my money and giving it to these poor ass motherfuckers while they sit around and enjoy the good life in Section 8 housing! Come on, people. First of all, perfect unemployment is not only practically impossible, it's not even recommended economically. Second, is you think sitting around and collecting $200 a month in food stamps is the life, then go do it. Go ahead, cowboy, this is America. You have the freedom. And if you tell me you'd rather not because your patriotic hands would rather sweat and callus and make valves for some employer who most likely doesn't give the slightest fuck about you, I'm going to jizz on your Toby Keith CDs. You do it because you like being able to afford, like, cable. Seriously, man. I actually like Toby Keith. I don't want to have to do this.


(EDIT: Upon second thought, the "partial unemployment is economically recommended" argument is disingenuous for the point I'm making. Sure, it's true, but it doesn't really address welfare recipients so much as it addresses people waiting in the wings and keeping wages reasonable and productivity high.)


And, truly, welfare and its ilk keep those poor motherfuckers from attacking you. If you cut welfare out, you had better have one hell of a security force because these legions of hungry ass people who don't have a single thing to live for know that you have money. And they are coming to your house. Probably with a gun, since there are so many of them out there. Welfare is as much about humanitarianism as it is about assuaging the masses and keeping them complacent. So please, for the good of the rest of us, pay that extra $103 a year or whatever it takes in taxes to keep welfare going.

We have always had socialist tendencies. But we are not truly socialist. In a truly socialist state, yes, you would have public health care. But it wouldn't be an option. You'd just take it. And you'd go to work where the government told you to go to work. And you'd do what they told you to do. And you'd get a monthly stipend. And that's it. The government would control all industry (well, I guess they are kind of getting close to that, actually). You can disagree with some of Obama's policies. Hell, I do myself. I think him and Bush and very similar and don't see how someone could love Bush and hate Obama and vice versa. But don't be a moron about it. Don't bring that weak "but he's a socialist!" stuff in here, because I'm going to get all argumentative and start raising my voice and possibly end up cockslapping you in the face. If your main argument is to vapidly characterize Obama as a dirty commie socialist, I'm going to characterize you as a fucking retard.

Ok. Now let's get back to talking about Vince Young's sadfaces.

The Afterlife

I've always heard stuff like, you know, when Kurt Busch's entire family is killed by polar bears and he wins the Enzyte 500 and says "I know that my entire bear-murdered family was up there watching over me and making this happen", and it has made me wonder.

Do they watch everything? And is it just your family members allowed to watch?

For example, one night during my sophomore year of college I had partaken in the drank and woke up the following morning to realize that I had pissed all over myself. It sucked. Covered in piss is no way to wake up in the mornings. But, to make it worse...was my grandma watching? Was she like, "God damn it...my idiot grandson just pissed all over himself" and saying stuff like "I don't even know who that is" when James Morrison asks her? I'd feel horrible if I let my grandma down while she was watching me piss all over myself.

And, say you are with some random chick, and you pull out and put it on her face. Is Abraham Lincoln watching? I just think that would be weird, however, at the same time I'd really like to perform for Lincoln. I wouldn't want to let him down. It leaves quite a dilemma if one day when I die of a PBR overdose in 4 years, I am faced with the choice of watching people bang it out and stuff like that. Because while that may be cool at first, it would get annoying because I wouldn't really be able to do anything for myself. Plus, I might pick the wrong place and see some weird person shove toothbrushes up their ass or something like that. You know those weird people are out there. Then I'd have to watch their roommate brush their teeth with it. SICK! You citizens of Earth are sick.

It also leaves for some legal grey areas. What if someone who died of skin rabies at 27 is caught watching a 16-year old on Earth showering? Is that still a crime? What if you accidentally see it? As far as I can tell, no precendents have been set. Not saying I'm going to be the first, you sick fucks. I'm just going to watch cougars. It will be my own personal zoo for private viewing.

So please don't piss on yourselves, because Rutherford B. Hayes could be watching.

Adspace

Hi, I'm John McCain and both me and my golden Livestrong bracelet approved this message.

OMG, I feel a tingling in my changebones. That must mean Obama is near!

That is not a tingling sensation in your changebones, hippie. That sensation is one of fear. And the real fear should be that of your puppy.


My puppy is in danger?


Your puppy will be in danger if we allow Obama to take over the White House, hippie. Obama voted against a bill outlawing puppy rape and puppybortions. Obama supports puppy rape and the puppy rapists who rape puppies.



We cannot allow this man to have legislation over our puppies. But that is not all. John McCain supports off-shore drilling. Barack Obama supports graphic sex-education for kindergarteners. Barack Obama wants to drill inside your 7 year old daughter.


Barack Obama wants to have sex with my pre-teen daughter? OMG, maybe I am not experiencing joyful hopespasms...


There's more. On top of raping our puppies and having sex with our 7 year old daughters, Barack Obama voted Yes on mandatory homosexuality in the military. John McCain has always supported our troops. Barack Obama wants to turn our troops gay.

Gay change is not change that we can believe in! But, Obama is one of us!


Obama is not one of us, hippie. When Obama plays Halo 3 on the internet, he does so not as a smalltown Spartan soldier, but as one of those alien Elites.



Barack Obama is not one of us. He is an Elite on XBox Live. An Elite puppy-raping kidfucker...is this change we can count on, America?


I'm John McCain, and some people will believe this message.

Preparing for 2020

There exist only twelve short years between now and 2020, a year in which I will make my glorious run towards the presidency of this country (which I'm hoping will still exist). In February of the year 2019, I will turn 35, old enough to assume a very important position amongst World leaders and, more importantly, in your hearts.

If I were running today, I'd likely hurt my knee again and lay on the Oregon roads like a broad lololololol. Ok, if I were running for president today, I'd likely run as a Democrat, not because I want to tax oil or mandate gay hybrids and sodomy or anything like that, but because I really don't care enough about gay marriage to take a position on it, and that goes for top or bottom. Really, I don't care if the gays marry or not. Don't care. That would make me a poor Republican, along with the fact that I hate fetuses and want to strip them of their rights. Maybe things will change by 2020, like, if I get rich or all of the sudden start hating black gays. We'll see.

But I'm not running today. I'm running in 2020. That gives me 12 years to start my own party, and so I give to you, the LEMONPARTY.

I will be pleased to accept the Lemon Party nomination for president in 2020, running on our platform of making new decisions independent of previous decisions and offering strong support to old men engaging in group sex acts. I will also use the time to make a college ex-girlfriend really jealous that...well, I'm running for freaking president! Look at me now! I would bang every woman that I came across in bars. Really, I would just point at them and tell them that we are leaving. And I have a great line to put right here but I'm not going to do it because I'm a relatively nice guy. Moving on...

Ok, there is a lot of dirt on me, I guess, as far as politics go. Really, I haven't done anything wrong, but I have a bunch of pictures and such out there in which I am not behaving presidentially. These are accessible on Mr. Gore's internets. However, my opponent will likely have them, too. I expect 2020 to be the "Myspace Presidency". Both candidates around this time will likely have some stuff on Myspace come back to haunt them. For example, this picture. I will release all of my pictures before my opponent can dig them up. I'm calling it the 8 Mile strategy. Karl Rove will be jealous that I thought of it first. I will also release all of my CDs that I created as Gunpowder Jones. If anything, being president would give a boost to my career. Go ahead, world, listen to me rap about hymens. Hopefully the world will lighten up and realize that it really doesn't matter in the scheme of things, since my opponent once killed a man and left his state deeply in debt after his term as governor. Of Kansas. Yes, I'm running against the Kansas governor.

There is only one hurdle to my campaign, however...my opponent professes that he has strong faith. Uh oh. Sure, he may have raped a few drunken 18 year olds three years ago, but he has faith! He goes to church! This threatens to derail my campaign until...


...his preacher is caught preaching about the merits of molesting alter boys, submarining my opponents chances. I drive into my nomination parade in a blue Lamborghini with the top down blasting whichever 2020 rapper is the most similar to Young Jeezy.


Thug life, fuckers. I will freestyle rap my inauguration speech. And you better believe I'm taking my official presidential portrait in my mirror with my cell phone and pulling my shirt up to show off the abs. That will get housewife votes in 2024 when I run for reelection. And my reelection will go off without a hitch because...


- I will have cut 90% of funding to homeless shelter programs. Hey, the homeless don't vote, right? Fuck 'em. The people that do vote will have more money in their pockets.

- I will quadruple taxes on the highest 1% of earners. That will leave 99% of the non-homeless population pretty happy, I would imagine, since I pretty much cut their taxes completely.

- I will have personally swordfucked manatees into extinction. 7 people will care, the rest will be glad that these ugly ass seacows have been wiped from the face of the Earth.

- I will have acted on John McCain's 1,000-year Iraq Withdrawal Strategy and brought four soldiers home. After doing so, I immediately sent them to North Korea as part of Operation Curious Moose, better known as the Pyongyang Surge.

- After the destruction from 2021's Hurricane Evgeni, I will have banned any rebuilding of Miami and eventually just given it to Cuba. Plans to offer the entire state of Florida to the Caribbean have been drafted.

- I attended the high school graduation of John Craft, the first Georgia high schooler to graduate from a Georgia high school with honors.

- I just took Canada's oil. 90% of their population lives within 200 miles or so from the U.S. border, so all we really had to do was bring some guns and drills and fly over them when it was dark. To assauge the Canadians, we moved the Phoenix Coyotes back to Winnipeg.


Really, this presidential stuff can't be that hard. How do you piss off 75% of the people? Just do things that 51% like and you are golden. Hasn't anyone shown these guys a pie chart?

Harry S Truman

It’s that time again, brothers. Time to drop some of that historical knowledge all over your asses. Let’s welcome, with a nice hearty round of mouse-clicks, the legacy of Harry S. Truman (D)!



Truman was born on May 8, 1884 in Lamar, Missouri, which was probably named after a drug dealer. The S in Harry S. Truman was chosen to please both grandfathers of the lad, but it stood for nothing. By that, I don’t mean it stood for “Nothing”, which begins with N, but that it stood for…didn’t stand for anything. Well, of course not…ok, you get the point. His fucking middle name was S. Which is awesome. I’m naming my first-born son “S”.

As a youth, the Trumans moved to farms all over Missouri. He had many gay passions as a young boy, notably music, reading, and history. I’m assuming that reading and history kind of go together, because the programming on the History Channel was rather sparse in 1897. It gets gayer. Young Truman would wake up at 5 am every morning to practice the piano, eventually becoming skilled enough to play mainstream urban tunes such as Usher’s “In This Club”. Some rare footage can be found through this link.

Despite his ability to tell you exactly what happened in the War of 1812 and it’s effect on the Canadian economy, Truman went to work as a time-keeper on the Santa Fe railroad after graduating from high school. He slept in “hobo-camps” along the railroad, much like Mike Webster. After this, he shuffled through some clerical jobs, answering phones the local Independence, Missouri Domino’s, keeping track of pencils, and stuff like that. After his sperm-target Bess Wallace turned his marriage proposal down in 1911, Truman decided that he needed to chase the big bucks in order to give him the ability to make it rain. Thusly, in 1917, Truman entered the military and donned the traditional Hammer Pants of the United States military.



It worked, as Truman returned home from his service, asked the bitch to marry him, and she accepted. To honor the occasion, Truman received a haircut from Zab Judah.



Harry’s poor eyesight cost him the chance to go to West Point, and a debilitating case of poorness prevented him from entering college on his own accord. To get into the National Guard, he had memorized the eyechart, just like every blind person we see driving today. During WWI, in France, he swore at his retarded soldiers to get back into formation, using words he claimed to have “learned while working for the Santa Fe railroad”. Guesses at these words include “Jizz-catchers”, “cock surgeons”, and “fuck pandas”, amongst others. Exactly what the fuck this motherfucker said will forever be subject to fucking speculation. Fuck.

So, that just happened. Then, Truman returned to Missouri to marry his wife and impregnate her. But not so fast. Bess had one of the trickiest vaginas west of the Mississippi, and there were two stillborn children and several miscarriages before the Trumans were finally able to convert sperm into life. In 1924, their sole child, Margaret, was born. She ended up writing a bunch of books and dying.

At this point, Truman got balls deep in a store with a friend, and his store got fucked by the long dick of the recession of 1921. The farm economy was greatly effected by this recession, which Truman, much like Pontius Pilate before him, blamed on the Republicans. Truman compared the Republicans and the recession to “a fierce session of double penetration, with two cocks fucking you simultaneously in the fucking ass”.

Regardless of what was really happening to his ass at the time, Truman was elected as judge of Jackson County through the help of the Missouri Democratic machine. This was more like an administrative position, not a legislative position, like Judge Judy, or an ass-kicking position, like Judge Dredd. About this time, Truman gave a friend $10 for initiation into the KKK, which was a significant sum of money back then, now that I think about it. Truman, however, asked for his money back, and never went to any initiations or rallies or anything of the like. Regardless, he was known as harboring some anti-Semitic thoughts, even though his close friend with whom he had run the store was Jewish. He also referred to blacks using what PC people refer to as the “n-word”, although this later inspired rappers such as Tupac Shakur to do the same. However, later in his career, the plights and abuses he saw directed at black veterans returning from the war affected him deeply and, so, he desegregated the armed forces.

As a big swinging dick in Missouri politics, Truman’s support of the New Deal was sought after and obtained in the early 1930’s. Using the help of his machine, Truman ran for senator and easily defeated the Republican incumbent. Truman garnered some negative attitudes, and was known as “Pendergast’s Senator”, after the man who pretty much made him the king of Kansas City. Asked about this, Truman responded with one of his most famous quotes ever, snapping back “who gives a fuck about Kansas City? That place can lick my balls”. Some historians believe it to simply be a genius plot to win the ball-licking vote. Regardless, once senator, Truman spoke out vehemently against corporate greed, warning of the dangers of special moneyed interest and Wall Street types. However, Truman was largely ignored at this point.

Things took a major turn for the worst in 1939, as Pendergast was arrested and sent to Leavenworth for a little over a year after child porn was discovered on his hard drive under a folder entitled “Recipes”. However, Truman was faced by two challengers, who split the anti-Truman vote and allowed him to steal victory from the cock-sucking jaws of defeat. This is the point where Truman got down to business and stopped being a role-player. He started the Truman Committee, which revealed fraud and mismanagement in the war effort, in an attempt to curtail spending. No one knows exactly why Truman hated America, but nonetheless, the Truman Committee was a huge success, saving about $15 billion, putting Truman on the cover of Time, and thrusting him into the national spotlight. Truman celebrated by thrusting into Bess.

In 1944, the Roosevelt team had a rough decision to make. Knowing that Roosevelt’s advanced case of Lou Gehrig’s disease was likely to kill him soon, they knew that the man they picked to be the Vice President would likely end up being the next president. This kept Henry Wallace and Bill Cosby off of the ticket. A bunch of stuff happened, some people were nominated, and Roosevelt said that it was either going to be Truman or William Orenthal Douglas. Fearing people with multiple first names, the choice of Truman was made. The choice was humorously dubbed as the “Second Missouri Compromise”, to which the general response was “lol”.

Of course, Roosevelt died shortly thereafter from the ALS. Truman was not in the loop, as he had mostly been in charge of keeping track of pencils, much like he was in his early working career. The ghost of Roosevelt quickly briefed Truman on the Manhattan Project, and after a few omg’s, Truman got down to business. Two months after he was sworn in, the Allies achieved victory in Europe. Baseball commentator Joe Morgan later referred to this moment in his laudatory review of Truman, noting that “wins and losses are the only stats that matter”. SAPRmetric historians agree that Truman was a great president, citing his 6th all-time tenure-adjusted VORP (Value Over Replacement President) of 144.7. At this point, Morgan had a massive stroke and lost feeling in his left-arm. To this day, he spends most of his time giving himself “strangers”.

Regardless of how he was viewed, Truman was soon faced by one of the most difficult decisions of any person in history, in a move later touched upon by The Gap Band: Bomb the damn Japs or not? Truman asked the Japanese to surrender, informing them that the US had the bomb and was willing to use it. “O Rly”, said the Japanese emperor? “Ya Rly”, said Truman. “O Rly”, repeated the emperor, and so Truman dropped a bomb on Hiroshima. Hearing no response, Truman ordered the strike on Nagasaki two days later. The emperor had originally intended to surrender after the first strike, but did not have enough “bars” to send his message. He finally found a location with enough reception to send the surrender message of “Rly” to Truman and the US, and formed Cingular to deal with the lack of bars in all locations. Truman grimly celebrated the victory, distraught that he had killed so many of the tiny little citizens of Japan. He later went home and hate-fucked Bess to relieve himself of the stress.

Truman also did other stuff during his presidency, although he was never able to repeat his early Japanese killing prowess. A Republican majority was elected, and Jesus-pieces were made mandatory over Truman’s vetoes. While Harry worked with the Republicans on foreign policy, he fought them bitterly at home. A true Democrat, Truman fought for Democratic principles while in office, proposing his “Fair Deal” measures. In the end, Truman agreed to drop his “Recreational Abortions” plan, while the Republicans agreed that black men were indeed allowed to “breathe the white man’s air”. Really, nothing actually happened. Truman did recognize Israel during this first term, at the urging of his old Jewish friends, but that was about it. That and some stupid housing bill.

Near the end of the term, Truman ordered an airlift of supplies into the Soviet-blockaded city of West Berlin, which ended up being a rousing success. He also enacted civil rights reforms in response to atrocious actions that were being taken on black soldiers returning from the war effort. Truman refused to compromise on this issue with the Southern Democrats, apparently because he wasn’t a complete and total douchebag. Still, Truman’s approval rating was low, and he was the decided underdog to…well, to whomever would wind up being nominated. Truman decided to go on the offensive during the campaign, strongly agreeing with the sentiment of Minneapolis mayor Hubert Humpreydome that strong civil rights reforms were still needed. As the Alabama and Mississippi delegates walked out in protest, Truman did not give the slightest of fucks and continued, unfazed, with his speech. Truman attacked the current congress, promising to win the election and “make these Republicans like it”. And make them like it, he did. All of this civil service reform threatened to destroy the Democratic party, half of whom were racist as fuck, and the other half who were in awe of blackness. However, Truman continued on, displaying exactly how large his balls were. And according to Bess, he wasn’t lying.

Although it appeared that Republican Thomas Dewey would win the election, Truman still was not going to go quietly. Aboard the rear platform of the Ferdinand Magellan train car, Truman crisscrossed the nation, giving rousing speeches that were met with huge success. The mainstream media failed to notice this, and all but anointed Dewey as the next president of the United States. Truman’s stunning victory led to one of the greatest and most famous images in history.



During his second term, the nuclear project progressed to the point that in 1953, Truman announced that the US had detonated a Hydrogen Bomb, which scared the fuck out of people. He also worked in strong favor of NATO, which sent a message that communism is not going to happen, bitches. Ironically, the US government at this time was being subjected to a witch-hunt by Senator Joseph McCarthy, who apparently had nothing better to do. Truman said that we were under attack by Americans "who are loudly proclaiming that they are (“Americanism’s”) chief defenders. . . . They are trying to create fear and suspicion among us by the use of slander, unproved accusations and just plain lies. . . . They are trying to get us to believe that our Government is riddled with communism and corruption. . . . These slandermongers are trying to get us so hysterical that no one will stand up to them for fear of being called a communist. Now this is an old communist trick in reverse. . . . That is not fair play. That is not Americanism." Nope. Regardless, it didn’t work, and Truman could never quite shake the belief that communists were working in the government.

Bored by the bickering, Truman shook things up a bit and recognized Pakistan. He also got into a war effort in Korea, eventually making the ill-regarded decision to fire General Douglas McArthur. Truman’s approval ratings eventually dropped as low as 22%, the lowest all time for a current president. An assassination attempt was also made on Truman, although it was piss-poor, and instead resulted in the death of a policeman. And still even more things happened after this, as Truman was president during a really busy freaking time in history. None of it was important, so Truman dealt with all the investigations that were going on at the time and waited for ’52.

During ’52, support of Truman was such that after losing the New Hampshire primary, he decided against running for reelection. Believing that cashing in on the presidency was immoral, he refused numerous opportunities on executive boards and through endorsements. Poor as hell, he played the Ulysses Grant card and wrote his memoirs. For this, he was a paid a flat rate of $670,000, which he calculated as coming out to about $37,000 after the excessive taxes. Due to Truman’s homelessness, a pension for former presidents was set up. In 1972, at the ripe old age of 88, Truman was sniped through the chest as he went out to check his mail and rushed to the hospital, where he was to die. Over time, Truman’s image was rectified, and he was no longer looked upon as the dickbag that people thought he was in office. Most rankings put him in the top 10 historically amongst presidents. Also, his fucking middle name was S.