Pick One

'Sup, bitches.

I will preface this by saying I have no knowledge of legal matters and Supreme Court shizz beyond what I read on Wikipedia while bored at work. So, I'll be procrastinating again, going on random Wiki-surfing trips and doing some "tab-jumping" that will lead me on a voyage that hops from Tidal Acceleration to Rutherford B. Hayes and I'll walk away from that with a spotty, incomplete knowledge of something I can barely even describe. So keep that in the back...no. Keep that in the front of your mind while reading anything that I write.

Anyway, I was thinking...all of the Jort-party members and Facebook philosophers were all up in arms about the Unconstitutionality of the Commiecare bill last month, right? The Constitution doesn't give the government the right to make people buy healthcare! The Constitution also doesn't say that you can't rape your dog, but I digress. The Constitutional argument, as I'm told, is that this could be argued as an example of the government infringing all up on state's rights. Which, I guess, seems like it could be a reasonable argument. I'm thinking it would also strike down social security and medicare, but that's another argument for another time.

BUT, these same people are defending the Arizona law in a newly energized frenzy of SPEAK ENGLISH! However, isn't this the same thing but in reverse? Isn't this a state attempting to regulate a national matter? This isn't between Mexico and Arizona. This is between Mexico and the U.S. Does Arizona have the right to...do whatever it is they are doing to immigrants? I don't even know what they do when they find illegals under this law. Do they send them back to Mexico? Do they kick them out of Arizona? Do they force them to teach Arizonan children how to turn double plays? I'm not sure. Whatever.

I do think that this Arizona law will be overturned, and I don't think it's exactly like the Federal law. It may be close. But...wouldn't they have to ask everyone for their "papers" to make it Constitutional? If a legal U.S. citizen with a tan goes to Vons supermarket and gets in a fight but cannot produce an ID, he is charged with a misdemeanor, I believe. If Jim from Accounts Payable does the same thing, he likely will not be asked for his ID. So he doesn't get the misdemeanor. That seems like some profiling. AND, the law requiring "reasonable suspicion" of Mexican-ness is quite vague, as a friend has pointed out to me, and is somewhat similar to Kolender v. Lawson, which set a precedent for all matters involving liquid strainers. And this is all ignoring the retarded clause that actually gives citizens a vehicle with which to SUE THE FUCKING POLICE if they don't think they are doing a comprehensive job adhering to the policy.

BUT...f that. I love trainwrecks. And if the right wangers were smart, wouldn't they want this to go to the Supreme Court and hope that their Justices can get it overturned on the state/national matters aspect? Couldn't this then trick the court into having to declare Obamacare as Unconstitutional when it inevitably comes in front of the Court? Would this cause complete anarchy? WOULD MICHELLE BACHMAN FINGERBLAST HERSELF ON THE HOUSE FLOOR?!?!?!

I'd certainly watch some CSPAN to find out.

OMG, socialism!!!

Yeah, you got that one right, kids. That's Mao Zedong, November 2001's Dictator of the Month! Congrats, Mao!

So, as could be expected, the cries of socialism that we heard pre-election are really ratcheting up right now as Obama begins to actually do things in office. Town hall meetings are being flooded with retards absolutely frightened of Obama and clinging to the only thing that they trust, their Glenn Becks. HE'S A GOD DAMNED DIRTY SOCIALIST, I TELL YOU!

No, lady, let me tell you. Ok. First, understand what socialism is. If your dictionary defines socialism as "a 3% income tax increase on the highest bracket along with a public healthcare option", then please, throw that dictionary away. Or just cut a hole in it and use it to transport your meth around. But please, do not use the actual definitions inside of it.

WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SOCIALIST AND ALWAYS WILL BE. We are not a democracy. We are a republic. We have elected leaders. Our checks and balances consist of like, 500 people total in a nation of 275 million. So, if you motherfuckers in Detroit don't like something that Justice Antonin Scalia believes, well...you better hope that Ruth Bader Ginsberg has your back, or else you are completely and wholly horsefucked right in your bankrupt foreclosed asses. We have always had welfare. We have had Medicare. THIS IS NOT FUCKING NEW. You retards are going to have your taxes LOWERED by Obama because you do not make $250 K a year.

Two things here....first, insurance. Health insurance. Public options. "How can private insurers compete with a government option that doesn't have to pay taxes!". Good question. But save it for now and ask it to yourself the next time you send something with FedEx. Or the next time you drive your Nationwide-insured car, eschewing the horrible state-insurance option. Or maybe the next time you fuck some drunk chick with your Trojan-sheathed whiskeydick instead of adhering to the government's abstinence-only policy. Wait, Palin didn't get elected. But still, how can Trojan compete with abstinence? Insurance companies have been accused of collusion in the past and, as profit-based enterprises, the best way for them to make a profit is to deny every claim that they can possibly deny. All the government plan is attempting to do is to keep them honest. Do you really trust the insurance companies? While you may disagree with the option, which is fine, just try not to be convinced that a public option will destroy private insurance and forcefully titfuck the "American Way". It won't.

Staying on the topic of insurance, there is a good economic reason to have insurance. Let's consider auto insurance. You are required to have auto insurance. Because when you hit some douchebag Oregon-liberal right in his gay little Prius, somebody is going to have to pay to fix the little engine on his car that converts flowers into torque. And you can't afford it. That's why you have insurance. Who do you think it is fucking up auto insurance for the rest of us? It's the uninsured. Economics is also behind the reasoning for the law requiring seat belts to be worn. It may be your body, but we don't give a fuck. Because when your dumb ass flies through the windshield, WE have to pay more to keep you on life support. WE have to pay more for all of the surgeries that you are going to require now to reattach your leg.

So, don't give me that "it should be my choice whether or not I have health insurance!" argument. You may believe it, but I don't. Because when you get cancer, do you think we are going to just let you sit there and die? Or, when you get shot, do you think that we are just going to let your uninsured ass bleed to death there on the street? No. The hospital is going to treat you, get stiffed, and the ripple effect following will raise everybody else's health insurance in the end. So why don't we just see if we can insure everybody? If not, the rest of us are paying for your right not to have health insurance. You fucking socialist. So that's my argument when you ask me how we are going to pay for all of this...in the grand scheme of things, I think most current insurance prices will drop. Might I be wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely. I don't know much about economics. However, I will contend that you don't either, because no one does. It's an inexact "science". If one side was right and the other was wrong, we'd have a perpetual cycle of one side fucking up everything they touch and the other bringing it all back together. But we don't have that. Possibly because the only economics those 500 or so in power care about are their own, but that's a different story.

And secondly, socialism. Welfare. Medicare. Food stamps. GET A FUCKING JOB! That's easy for you to say, everybody with a job. Hey homeless guy, get a fucking job! Yeah. I'm sure he actually just turned down a position at Target. I don't want the government taking my money and giving it to these poor ass motherfuckers while they sit around and enjoy the good life in Section 8 housing! Come on, people. First of all, perfect unemployment is not only practically impossible, it's not even recommended economically. Second, is you think sitting around and collecting $200 a month in food stamps is the life, then go do it. Go ahead, cowboy, this is America. You have the freedom. And if you tell me you'd rather not because your patriotic hands would rather sweat and callus and make valves for some employer who most likely doesn't give the slightest fuck about you, I'm going to jizz on your Toby Keith CDs. You do it because you like being able to afford, like, cable. Seriously, man. I actually like Toby Keith. I don't want to have to do this.


(EDIT: Upon second thought, the "partial unemployment is economically recommended" argument is disingenuous for the point I'm making. Sure, it's true, but it doesn't really address welfare recipients so much as it addresses people waiting in the wings and keeping wages reasonable and productivity high.)


And, truly, welfare and its ilk keep those poor motherfuckers from attacking you. If you cut welfare out, you had better have one hell of a security force because these legions of hungry ass people who don't have a single thing to live for know that you have money. And they are coming to your house. Probably with a gun, since there are so many of them out there. Welfare is as much about humanitarianism as it is about assuaging the masses and keeping them complacent. So please, for the good of the rest of us, pay that extra $103 a year or whatever it takes in taxes to keep welfare going.

We have always had socialist tendencies. But we are not truly socialist. In a truly socialist state, yes, you would have public health care. But it wouldn't be an option. You'd just take it. And you'd go to work where the government told you to go to work. And you'd do what they told you to do. And you'd get a monthly stipend. And that's it. The government would control all industry (well, I guess they are kind of getting close to that, actually). You can disagree with some of Obama's policies. Hell, I do myself. I think him and Bush and very similar and don't see how someone could love Bush and hate Obama and vice versa. But don't be a moron about it. Don't bring that weak "but he's a socialist!" stuff in here, because I'm going to get all argumentative and start raising my voice and possibly end up cockslapping you in the face. If your main argument is to vapidly characterize Obama as a dirty commie socialist, I'm going to characterize you as a fucking retard.

Ok. Now let's get back to talking about Vince Young's sadfaces.

James Harrison doesn't respect his own blackness

I love the internet. It allows me to read the retarded opinions of others and comment upon them when I can't come up with any original thoughts of my own. And today, that honor belongs to Calvin Watkins. I can only assume that Watkins is a black man himself, because if a white dude wrote this he'd be fired faster than you can blow past DeAngelo Hall on a post route.



Steelers linebacker James Harrison doesn't want to go to the White House on Thursday to meet the president.

Thanks. We've heard.




After the Steelers won the Super Bowl in the 2005 season, Harrison didn't meet President Bush. But this time, with Harrison again saying he'd rather stay home, he's upset a few people.

Because last time, he was on the kickoff team. This time, he's the NFL Defensive Player of the Year and he compounded things by defending his decision with a ridiculously asinine comment. It's kind of like how bouncing a check for me wasn't a big deal when I was using it to pay the cable bill, but then everybody was pissed when I did the same for child support. The nerve of you people!



Here's a main reason why Harrison should meet President Barack Obama: Obama is African-American. The historical significance of that alone should prompt Harrison to get to D.C.

What? Are you fucking serious? James Harrison should go to the White House just because Obama is half-black? That's absolutely fucking asinine. Is it so that he can witness it and actually believe it? He's seen Obama looking quite black on TV. And he's in the NFL. He hangs out with a lot of black people. He's seen blackness. With the team showers, he's probably seen more black cock than an ambitious secretary at BET.




Harrison, who is African-American, is getting ripped for this statement to a Pittsburgh television station last week: "This is how I feel, if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he would've invited Arizona if they had won."

It would be more accurate if you rephrased it to say "Harrison, who is borderline-retarded, is getting ripped for this statement last week". Why does his blackness matter here? "Magic Johnson, who is black, has AIDS". "My computer, which is black, keeps freezing at the start-up menu". "Michael Vick, who is black, physically raped some dogs". The blackness is about as important to that sentence as the actual lyrical content is to a Soulja Boy song.




Tuesday we were told by Harrison's agent, Bill Parise, that his client is proud that America has an African-American president.

As opposed to saying "my client hates America because it elects black people".




But he's still not going to see him.

Because he doesn't have enough respect for blackness. Shame on you, James!




It's Harrison's right not to attend the White House ceremony honoring the Steelers. But what makes several people of color concerned is that Harrison doesn't want to see the country's first African-American president.

It's not James Harrison's fault that those people of color are also morons. Does Aaron Smith not have to go to this one? Should we expect Heath Miller to stay at home as well? I mean, they both met a white president when the Steelers won Super Bowl XL, right?




We talk all the time about our athletes not making statements when it comes to political issues. Harrison wouldn't be making one here by going -- if he chose to go, it's something he would remember the rest of his life. But not attending raises questions about whether or not Harrison understands how important it is.

NO! It's his call if he wants to go and take a bunch of pictures at the White House with Obama. Have you ever seen one of these gatherings? THEY ARE NOT FUCKING IMPORTANT!




It's history.

No, the election was history. This is a football team going to meet the historical president at his crib. Let me rate the two on a scale from "not history" to "history":

Electing a black president: HISTORY

The Super Bowl champs visiting said president in May: NOT FUCKING HISTORY





Last November, after Obama was elected, several Cowboys players asked reporters who they voted for. African-American players, Chris Canty and Jay Ratliff, expressed how proud they were in seeing a person of color elected president.

Hear that, James? You are letting Jay Ratliff's entire family down. You could see the pride in Chris Canty's face. It was magical. If pride could make you erect, he would have been.




It was important to them. Harrison said its important to him too, but you can't tell by him skipping the event.

No. Let me explain this again...James Harrison believes that the US electing a half-black president is important. James Harrison does NOT believe that a football team visiting said president is important. Why is this so hard to believe?




There's a report out of Pittsburgh that cites Harrison's fear of flying as his reasoning for not going to Washington on Thursday. If that's the case, he should be embarrassed.

At least he didn't write this gay article.




If he really cared, he could drive to D.C. Get someone to drive him. Carpool with some players. Make it a fun trip.

Yeah, James, inconvenience some of your teammates. It's all in the cocktastically delicious name of history.





Harrison should stand in the Rose Garden with his teammates and savor this special moment. Harrison's agent said it's got nothing to do with President Obama's policies -- Harrison wants to stay home.

Maybe he already savored it enough WHEN HE WON THE FUCKING SUPER BOWL. Stop making me use caps.




That's fine. But one day, Harrison will regret it.

James Harrison will forget about this in no more than 20 minutes. You on the other hand, Calvin Watkins, are a lost cause. This is the kind of stuff that sets race relations back.

God, what a fucking moron.

As far as I'm concerned, the Steelers would not be visiting me if I were not the President of the United States

It has been brought to my attention that the Pittsburgh Steelers plan on visiting me at the White House as an emphatic cap to a wonderful season that saw them win the Super Bowl on the backs of a solid young offense and a historically great defense. The team overcame the concerns of all of the so-called "experts" to win in spite of what was referred to as "a line so pitiful that Michael Irvin wouldn't even snort it" and a running game that couldn't gain an inch if it took Viagra. The team was very exciting to watch; trust me, although I love my Bears, if I had to name a second-favorite team it would certainly be the Pittsburgh Steelers. I loved watching them play....the way they attack on defense, the efficient passing of Ben Roethlisberger, the workman-like qualities of stalwart receiver Hines Ward, et cetera. And so you'd think that I would be honored to invite them to the White House to recognize and toast their accomplishments this past season.

But fuck that.

Where the fuck were the Steelers at when I was just a lowly US senator from Illinois? Or when I was a fucking law clerk after graduating from school? Huh? What, the Steelers weren't around in the 1980's? You pricks certainly could have came to visit me then...I had plenty of time in my schedule. Where were you dickbags? I forget a few things from that time period, you know, mainly due to all the coke and whatnot, but I'm almost 100% sure I would have remembered a visit from the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers. Or even the non-champion Pittsburgh Steelers. You don't think Mark Malone could have worked in a visit between interceptions? Or, who knows, maybe Barry Foster could have come and seen me after a backbreaking fumble or something? Tim McKyer probably could have blown right past my gate security like it was, oh, I don't know, Tim McKyer. But did any of these vagbaskets come to visit me then? Fuck and No.

So fuck that, man. If John McCain would have won the election, do you think that Steelers would be coming to visit him? As far as I'm concerned, yes...yes they would. I'd just be sitting here writing more memoirs about postcards from my fucking cousin or some shit like that. So fuck you, Pittsburgh Steelers. If you really wanted to come and hang out with me, you would have done it before I became the president of the motherfucking United States.

HEY FUCKING OBAMA

HEY OBAMA...WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL THE FREE STUFF??? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I HOPE YOU CAN. TO MAKE SURE, I'M PUTTING THIS IS FUCKING CAPS LOCK. CAPS LOCK!!!!

I WAS TOLD OVER AND OVER AGAIN HOW YOU ARE JUST GOING TO LIKE, GIVE ME STUFF. MONEY AND STUFF LIKE THAT. WELL WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CHECK??? I CHECK THE MAIL EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR THAT CHECK AND IT HASN'T COME. WHY AREN'T YOU GIVING ME FREE MONEY LIKE THEY ALL SAID YOU WOULD? OHHHHH, IT'S GOING TO COME WHEN I GET LIKE A $10 BREAK ON MY YEARLY INCOME TAX? FUCK THAT. I WANT MONEY.

I WANT MONEY, OBAMA. THEY SAID THAT YOU ARE JUST GOING TO GIVE STUFF TO THE POOR AND STUFF LIKE THAT. SPREAD THE WEALTH. WHERE'S THE FUCKING WEALTH THEN, YOU DICKFRICAN COCK HANGAR???? I JUST CHECKED MY MAILBOX AGAIN AND THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT FROM YOU. WTF????

RUSH SAID IT. HANNITY SAID IT. THEY ALL SAID YOU'D BE GIVING ME MONEY AND YOU HAVEN'T. WELL HURRY THE FUCK UP, ASSJACKET. THAT METH AIN'T GONNA COOK ITSELF. I WANT MY FREE MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW!!!! I ONLY VOTED FOR YOU BECAUSE I HEARD THAT YOU'D BE MAKING IT RAIN. WELL IT'S ONLY RAINING ON BUSINESSES. FUCK BUSINESSES! BUSINESSES DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU, DICKMIX. I DID. SO GIVE ME THE FUCKING MONEY THAT I WAS PROMISED!!!!!!

I'M WAITING.

Go and fuck yourself, Broadcrest Foothill Apartment Homes

You have to be kidding me. I really don't believe this. Barack Obama could fly down to my house in his Hopecopter right now, slide out the red change carpet, hover to my door and personally tell me this and I still wouldn't believe it. I'd be like, Barry, you need to float your ass back to DC and bail out some more dead-end industries with our tax money, because I don't believe a word you are saying.

And then, Barry would swear on the Hope Diamond that "yes, Vern, this apartment complex is trying to charge a chick that was brutally murdered for breaking the terms of her lease. They say she didn't give 'sufficient notice to vacate'". Holy hell...let's just lay out what is going on here. A lady's ex-husband went absolutely crazy and set fire to her sister's house during a Christmas party they were having. He killed seven, including his ex-wife, her sister, and her sister's son. Her sister and her sister's son were the ones who were living in this apartment. They were killed on Christmas. And now, a month later, the apartment complex sends a $2,500 bill to the lady's husband for violating the lease. Are you kidding me? Are you standing there, holding me up at gunpoint, and pissing all over my face? Because I feel piss splashing on my face right now. You better not be pissing on my face.

I have no idea how anybody at this apartment complex can be this heartless and stupid. It has to be an oversight. Really...it has to. I'm now going to write up a letter that says if I get killed I plan on vacating the apartment that day and I'm going to send it to the leasing office. I just can't see how something like this happens. I mean, this is more improbable than the Arizona Cardinals making the Super Bowl and someone actually beating Street Fighter II with Zangeif COMBINED.

So go ahead, Broadcrest Foothill Apartments. Go and fuck yourself long and hard. Here's a list of objects I would recommend fucking yourselves with:

- A rolled up copy of the lease that the woman had signed

- The firehose that had to be brought in to extinguish the fire

- Reggie Bush's Heisman trophy

- One of Debbie Gibson's "Electric Youth" CDs

- A radiation-poisoned bedpost left behind after the Chernobyl explosion

- Barbaro's broken leg

- Anything with AIDS on it


That should be a good start. What a bunch of homos.

OMG, Obama is going to change the National Anthem to rap!

OMG, have you heard! Obama is planning on creating a new anthem, performed by Young Jeezy!


Have you ever heard Young Jeezy??? He's so violent and...he's so black! OMG he talks about drugs and knives and like, swords! DID YOU HEAR ME???? SWORDS!!!!!!

Omg, did you see Obama give his wife that fist pound last week? Are they even married? I bet they aren't!


They call it dapping. Presidents do not dap! They shake hands! Or chest bump!


And open-mouth kiss other dudes that have beards!


That looks hot. Obama, on the other hand, is going to make food stamps the official currency! Because he's like, half black! Obama listens to 2Pac! 2PAC ALSO RAPPED ABOUT SWORDS!!!


He's a black Muslim! God save us! Obama is going to kill all of the white people!

Breaking down the Candidates

The uninformed masses need some help. And I'm here to deliver it. Like DMX.

First, let's get a general breakdown of our potential candidates.



HUCK! Sorry, Huck. Sure, you aren't fat anymore. But you've already lost. And that's because...well, because he is gay. GAY FOR JESUS!!!!



Obama! He's black. Sure, just part black, but any black is too black.


Hillary? She's a fucking woman! The Oval Office is not a kitchen.



That leaves McCain. Sorry, people. McCain is old. Old as fuck, even. He's old enough to be Strom Thurmond's grandson.

We need a young white guy in the race. Who could that possibly be?


Unfortunately, he was cast aside after it was made known that he drives a Prius and gets over 40 mpg. Mainly because in a Prius, those are some gay ass miles.

So what does this mean? Well, this sets us up for a thrilling battle of the prejudices. Who do we hate less? Will we find out that people are as afraid of a black man ascending to the highest position in the land, a throne from which he will surely use his power to fuck all da white women? Or are ageists more prevalent than statistics show? Or do we think that what this country needs is a good sandwich? Only time will tell. Sweet, fuckable time.

Huckabee was paralyzed early in the process, after being thrown from the Jesus Horse that he attempted to ride into the presidency. On the other side, Hillary is reeling and angered at the reality that she is the only white woman that Barack does not actually want to fuck. Still, a convincing choice has not been made, as poor women have gone lesbian for Hillary, after sucking off Bill a decade earlier. Reverend Wright did not help matters for Obama recently, as race has made this race exciting. And by exciting, I mean gay as fuck.

So vote for Evgeni Malkin.