Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Roll Muslim Tide

Polls are indicating the likelihood of a Muslim Presidency. This is going to be the end of America as we know it...instead of bringing the fight to the terrorists (or at least to countries that are near the countries that the terrorists supposedly live in), we are going to invite the terrorists over for games of dodgeball on American soil. And American dodgeball courts. However, terrorists don't use regular dodgeballs. They use bombs. Disguised as dodgeballs. That explode.

You had better get to Men's Wearhouse now. If you want a nice suit, and the feeling that you will like the way you look, well...I've got news for you. Soon, you are going to show up to your local Men's Wearhouse to find that it has been changed to Muslim Wearhouse and sells nothing but sand robes. Will you like the way you look? Who knows, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T READ ARABIC.

Disappointed, you head out to the local park to clear your head. But what do you see there? COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS!!!! Getting the kids to do terrorist things like Arts and Crafts and basketball! You sit there and shake your head, knowing that the most prominent community organizers in the world are the Taliban, who organized a community full of Muslims that would like nothing more than to come over and Muslim-up your way of living.

Unfazed, you draw upon the strength of the founding fathers and emphatically declare that you are going to do something before the Muslims Muslim up our country, which was founded on not recognizing any official religions on a government level. You decide that while Sarah Palin is pretty damn regular, she's not quite regular enough because while she does shoot some moose from a helicopter...you don't even own a helicopter. And you weren't a beauty queen when you were younger...she isn't all that regular now, is she? You know who you are voting for. Someone that could be appointed Secretary of Regular Joes. Someone so regular that you can identify with. You are voting for...Jim from Accounts Payable.

Jim is so fucking regular that he will never need to use any Metamucil. Jim works from 9 to 5 every day, just like the rest of us regular Joes. And Jims. And Jim drives a Chevy Cobalt, which is so regular and American and dependable and hard-working. The car is actually hard-working. Almost as hard working as Jim, who regularly has to be told to use up his vacation days before he loses them. Only thing is, Jim doesn't take vacations. Vacations are for elites. And Muslims. Elite Muslims...the worst kind of Muslim.

Jim graduated from Ohio University with a 2.46 GPA in Business. He partied kind of hard, but never too hard that he missed church. However, this wasn't one of Sarah Palin's crazy witch doctor churches, which you can't relate with. Or one of Barack Obama's kill whitey churches, which you can relate with but in a bad way because you are whitey and they want to kill you just like the Muslims do. Can you imagine having to hide from the President because he wants to kill you? No you cannot. And neither can Jim.

Jim lives in a modest house with his wife of 3 years and their young son, Stan. Can you relate with that? Hell yes. You aren't naming your kids anything stupid like Trig or Calc. Stan? That's an American name. And it doesn't have Hussein in it, or even sound anything like Hussein. The closest thing it sounds like? Plan. And while Jim doesn't really have one, you are sure he could come up with one if he needed to. And it would be regular, and you could understand it. Which is odd, because you don't necessarily feel that national economic plans should be on your level, but it still makes you feel important like you helped out with it or something.

You are doing your part for America in 2008. When it's sink or swim, vote for Jim. It's that simple. And you won't be surprised when you feel just a bit Presidential once Jim takes office. Because you'll feel like you just took office with him.

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