Thursday, October 30, 2008

WTF is this gay thing?

What the hell? I can't be the only one who has seen these abominations of gayness out on the streets. Chrysler PT Cruisers with matching tow things on the back. Unreal gayness, even for a PT Cruiser, which was apparently named for the act of cruising public restrooms for gay sex.

This is potentially the gayest thing I've ever seen, and I know gayness. I live in South Florida, one of the gay Meccas of the country. So don't tell me I don't know gayness.

I was once offered $100 from an older Dominican gentlemen just to allow him the privilege of giving me a BJ. I know gayness.

I was also offered a job in Jacksonville stripping at a gay bar after my car broke down. Why, pray tell, was I at a gay bar? Ok, I'll tell you.

During my move from Pittsburgh to Ft. Lauderdale in the beautiful beige '92 Buick LeSabre without air conditioning, the beast predictably broke down in Jacksonville. Or, as an NFL analyst would put it, "the Buick was out with a fuel pump". I knew one person between North Carolina and Lauderdale, and she just happened to live in Jacksonville. She had since gone all lesbian, and I was pretty much just hanging with her and her lesbian friends. Who were awesome lesbians, by the way. Anyway, we went to a "gay-friendly" bar the first night, which was awesome. It was some straight women and gay dudes. The women were excited that I liked the vagina! They let me touch their tits and everything just to prove that I like tits. A few said, "my gay friends do that, too". I offered to show them further that I was not a gay, but alas, it did not get me any easy BJs behind the bar.

The next night, we went to a straight up gay bar for lesbian night. It was called "In Cahoots" and had a big ass rainbow right on the wall. They told me beforehand that it was like straight up gay, but what the hell am I gonna do? Sure, I'll go. It's lesbian night anyway, right? So we went to this gay ass bar. Got in to the sight of shirtless bartenders begging to mix up an appletini or two for me, but not too bad. Plus, as it was lesbian night, there were some dancers working who were...let's just say they were barely clothed. And dancing provocatively. So it wasn't too bad. Of course, there's certainly more to it than that.

There was a group of gay dudes there at the other side of one of the bars who finally by the end of the night sent a gay ambassador over to me and the lesbians (sounds like a band name) to ask the $64,000 question. "Yo, we need to know. Are you gay? Consensus is you're gay". Damn, man, do I look gay? LISTEN TO THE DEPTH OF THIS VOICE!!!! No, dude, sorry, I'm not gay. I wasn't offended. I mean, I'm in a fucking gay bar with a bunch of lesbians. Of course people should assume I like to taste frenulums. Sweet. Shortly thereafter, one of the lesbian dancers who actually claimed to be bisexual but apparently wasn't in the mood to act as a cock hangar that night came over and told me to come with her to the bar. Apparently gay bartender in charge liked what he saw and asked me if I wanted to dance at the bar on gay nights. They all claimed that I would make a lot of money...uhhh, have you ever seen me dance? I dance like Mormons fuck...very rigidly and only if I am sure nobody is watching. And plus, I saw the chicks dancing with the lesbians in attendance and it was...provocative to say the least. So no, I'm sorry, aside from the fact that I don't live here, I can't put my balls in some dudes face for $3 and pretend to enjoy it.

So don't tell me I don't know gayness.

Point is, none of this stuff is gayer than the PT Cruiser trailer things.

The trailers are gayer than two dudes wrapping their cocks together on a bed of cotton candy.

They are gayer than a chick touching herself to a mental image of Ellen Degeneres riding a pony and singing Melissa Etheridge songs.

They are gayer than a dude taking money shots while vacuuming his living room and humming Bee-Gees tunes.

There really isn't anything I've ever seen that is gayer than these cars and their tow-pieces. And that really is saying something.


Cotter said...

Gayer than this?

Vern said...


Imagine if he was doing that in the center of a bukkake circle. That's how gay we are talking about here.

Get Fresh Designs said...

holy shit, that was hilarious.

the wife and I call those things penis cruisers, because they're so gay.

Lori said...

OMG you dance like mormons fuck.. I laughed out loud. I only dance if I'm a) wasted b) surrounded by awful music and men who speak no english. But apparently in the Czech Republic it's OK to just pick innocent american girls up in the middle of the dance floor?

And the car whateverthefuckthatis.. I almost projectile vomited onto the screen. I didn't realize they could make PT cruisers uglier.

Vern said...

It's kind of like punching Terri Schiavo in the face.