OMG! OMG folks, that's all I can say. OMFG. This is so much worse than Bear Stearns, this is like if Bear Stearns had not only collapsed but had done so while burning swastikas into newborn kittens. Bear Stearns was just a closet-gay congressman enjoying a high school wrestling tournament compared to this clusterfuck of dicks in asses that we have going on right now. I'm not even sure where to begin. That market is taking a nosedive like a dollar bill at Michael Irvin's house. But people, we have to remain calm. Let's open the lines...caller?
Caller what is your name? What do you do? What are you doing with your money?
My name's Vince. I have a pretty good job, man. Professional athlete. So I have a lot of money to like, put into the market, right? Or should I just keep it in my dresser like I do now? I mean, all of the guys on the team are trying to get me to invest my money so I get like, dividends and shit, but...ah, fuck it, man. I don't really care. They still payin' me and shit. I'm just gonna quit thinking about stocks.
This man is crazy! Sir, are you insane? Sir...SIR!?!?!?! GET HIM BACK ON THE PHONE!
Yo, this Vince.
Vince, do you even realize what you are saying? I know the economy is bad but you can still make money if you are smart with your investments and you watch them like a HAWK!!! You have to do something with your money! You aren't going to be able to be an athlete forever! You need a portfolio!
Man, what's a folder going to do for me?
No, an investment portfolio, Vince! Vince, Vince, Vince...you can't just go around spending all of your money while you are young! Haven't you talked to anyone about managing your assets?
Yeah, I mean, this dude Kerry tried to set me up with his guy, but I don't trust that dude. Why's he all trying to get up in my life and shit, you know? He gave me some information about investments, but...I mean, I started reading it and...I just don't care, man. Whatever. I gotta go play some PS3.
VINCE!?!? Do you even hear yourself? You are talking crazytalk! It's like you are speaking in retarded tongues! Stay on the line, I can't allow you do this to yourself!!!
Dude, you are the crazy one. Listen man, I've got to back to my franchise. I've got the Ravens coming up and I'm not benched in Madden. I mean, I was playing alright and I just...eh, whatever. I don't even care. If he wants to bench me, whatever.
DON'T HANG UP!!!!!
Dude, you gots to calm down. What are you even talking about with this crisis stuff? I just looked outside and everything looks fine. Well...I didn't actually look outside, I just imagined that it was fine. I don't really care enough to actually...fuck, 'cuz! Lendale fumbled! I gotta use a rewind...I turned off rewinds? Fuck it, I'm turning this shit off. Why are you still talking to me, crazy dude?
I'm trying to get you focused on your investments!!!
Alright, fine. I've got a few million or so laying around, I think. I mean, I could just...fuck it, dude. I don't even care. Gotta go, Ninja Turtles is on.
THIS GUY IS FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!