Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Jesus endorses third-party candidate
Jesus explains the rationale behind his decision to an undecided ACORN voter in Macon, GA.
ATLANTA, GA - Republican and Democratic strategists alike are rushing to defend both their candidates and Jesus Christ himself after Christ's unexpected announcement in support of Bob Barr's presidential campaign. Despite the Democrats assertions that Jesus would support their social programs intended to support poorer Americans and Republican claims that Jesus would support their steadfast opposition to abortions and gay marriage, Jesus cited a lifelong Libertarian tilt and a support of the true free market capitalistic system that Barr represents.
"My son, Bob Barr, is the only candidate for president in this election that stands a chance to fix the American economy", stated Christ at a press conference in Atlanta. "While my sons Barack Obama and John McCain are both good men with good intentions, they really don't understand the intracacies of the economy anywhere near the level that Bob Barr does. That is why I'm endorsing Bob Barr in this election".
Christ's speech was met with racous cheers from the Barr crowd, who were looking for any glimmer of hope and have gone as far as trying to have messrs. Obama and McCain removed from the Texas ballot over a missed registration deadline. "This is the break we've been looking for", claimed Barr supporter Richard Webster of Augusta, GA. "To have Christ endorse Bob might get enough Republican and Democrat voters to swing to us that we may be able to do something come November fourth".
Republicans and Democrats alike rushed to defend their candidates while at the same time making sure not to appear derivise at all to Mr. Christ.
"We obviously don't think that Christ would suffer any lacks in judgment", opined McCain advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer. "We still feel that John McCain is the best man for the job and we believe that the American people will come to this realization as well on Election Day. Not that Christ is wrong or anything, because he's not, it's just that...well, Christ doesn't...I mean, he certainly understands the issues, but he's just voting based on slightly different needs than the average hard-working American citizen." Pfotenhauer quickly added "not that Christ can't identify with them or isn't hard-working himself".
Obama advisor Tony McPeak suffered similar difficulties in explaining away Mr. Christ's announcement. "Jesus was...no, is a great man. He's an incredible man. And as he said during his speech, he still believes in Barack Obama's capability to handle the presidency. And we agree with him." McPeak later added "Jesus hasn't been feeling the economic crunch that most Americans have and might not have all the knowledge available on the health care issue facing the United States. Not that he couldn't immediately pick it up if he wanted to, which he could. It might just be that he doesn't have access to all of the information out there. He would have no problem getting it and understanding it, though. He'd certainly be a quick study."
Not all Obama supporters were as lukewarm about their deference to Mr. Christ's reasoning.
"Seriously? This again?", remarked political comic Bill Maher on Fox and Friends yesterday afternoon, sparking harsh criticism from the show's hosts. "Obama said [rural voters] were clinging to their guns and religion, and here they go again. You really think Jesus supports a pro-gun agenda? He's not registered to vote anyway!".
Jesus Christ is currently registered to vote in 7 US states and Guam, although the legality of these registrations has been questioned by election officials.