Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Done again

If anybody is still reading this, I'm once again done. I just didn't have the willpower I had back in '08 and '09. and a friend are starting a new blog, again. This one is called Heat and Meat's Dripping Wet Sports Picks. I'm Meat. Still Vern, but also Meat.

Check it out, dougs. or whatever. It's hot fire!


Wednesday, October 10, 2012

This dog is not scarred for life

HOLY FUCK, how did I miss this? Are you kidding me? Almost two years ago some Australian rugby player face-fucked a dog and I missed it? Ok, I know I've been out of the blog game for years, but back in November 2010 I think I was still hitting it relatively hard. Like, you know, to the degree where I would have heard about A FUCKING RUGBY PLAYER FUCKING A DOG.

His name is Joel Monaghan (the guy, not the idea what the dog's name is) and he's pulling a reverse-Vick with a teammate's dog. Which I guess is funny in Australia. And the guy who took the picture put it on Twitter. Genius! Anyway, yeah, it's a guy fucking a dog,, this is the internet era. You can find plenty of dog-fucking and you don't even need to look that hard. Give it a try if you don't believe me. There is dog-fuck around just about every corner of the intertubes. I like that. See, back in 1948 people would probably joke about putting peanut butter on their cocks and having their yorkie lick it off, but they were just joking. They would be like "jajajajaja JOL nobody actually does that!" and they'd have NO IDEA that they were wrong as fuck! Without the net, they couldn't go over to Googs and find images of a drag queen blowing a okapi! They were so naive. Fortunately, we live in enlightened times nowadays.

But the part of this dog-fucking story that really got me was reading the comments on the blogs reporting it. "OH MY GOD HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO THE POOR DOG", "he should never be allowed to own a dog" and, my favorite, variations of "that poor dog is scarred for life".

What? THIS dog is scarred for life?

People...have you ever met dogs? Dogs will lick assholes of other dogs. Dogs will shit on the ground and taste it. Dogs will then throw that shit up and eat it again. Dogs will fuck cacti if you let them. You could marinate placenta in the calm waters of Cite Soleil's "River of Trash" and dogs will trip over themselves to eat that shit up. If you dig up the remains of Rutherford B. Hayes, a dog would lick them while another dog fucks them. Dogs will lick and eat pretty much anything. And this dog that had to lick a man's penis is scarred? Please. This dog probably immediately got up and licked somebody's face without even knowing the difference.

There are dogs in the streets, hungry dogs, dogs getting beaten and mistreated, and then there is this dog who had to lick a fucking penis. This dog is ok. Stop feeling sorry for it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

America...we need a President who is not going to suck Muslim dick

That's right America. We need a President who will stand up for American values. A President who will stand behind the virtues that have made us what we are today. A President who, put simply, will stop sucking Muslim dick.

The Obama administration's mixed, shitty-ass mulatto response to the rest of the world following these despicable attacks on our embassy in Libya are just the latest in this President's attempt to extract every last drop of terrorist cum from the dicks of our enemies. This President doesn't care about us, America. He doesn't care about our present, he doesn't care about our future and he sure as fuck doesn't care about all of us individually. Not if there is a set of exposed balls he can cup, balls containing the seed of Al Qaeda. Not if he can lather his tongue all over the coarse-haired taints of our sworn antagonists in the Muslim world. And surely not if there is a stiff Muslim dick he can suck until he breaks the blood vessels. Probably with an erection facing Mecca.

America...this is not the change that we begrudgingly signed up for four years ago. Who we are at our core was never something that we wanted to change in the first place. Our families don't go to work every day in order to put Muslim cock on the table. We don't send our children to school to learn about Islamic penises and how to fellate them. And we sure as shit don't apologize to we are to any old towelhead who shows us a throbbing erection. And I, Mitt Romney, will make this clear as day to the rest of the world if you were to elect me this November. I swear on Ronald Reagon's dried cumrags that I will SURE AS FUCK not spend my time in office giving reacharounds to treacherous sandfaggots at Guantanamo. Muslim dick ain't going anywhere near this mouth. Ohhh boy. We're going to put a quick end to that policy, and if these freedom-hating oil spics don't like it, then they can suck my dick.

The choice is yours, America. Stand up and tell the President that you do not approve of our leader slurping Muslim dick while they blow up our embassies. Tell our socialist-in-chief that you do NOT apologize for America every time you get a taste for some of that desert love sauce. The choice is clear, my friends. Vote for me and I swear that the next Muslim dick that President Obama sucks limp will be his last.

Thank you, and God bless!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Vern's sequential order of NFL teams by awesomeness following one week of play

Because the SOPA/PIPA stuff did not pass, I can use the image above on my blog and Yahoo can suck my taint if they don't like it.

Woooo! NFL is here! This is wooo-ish for a number of reasons. Let's hit on a few of them:

1) College football kind of sucks. It fucking does. "Every game matters!" Yeah, if you fucking like Alabama. Do you know many games matter for Penn State? Like 3 or 4. Because after that point, they lose a game and then the best you can hope for is the Meineke Car Care Bowl. Who gives an s about that? Do you really care if your team beats Kansas State in the Free HIV Bowl? And this was before Jerry Sandusky recorded more touches than '98 Jamal Anderson. Now the entire season is just fucked from the start, for 4+ years. Can you see the NFL banning the Steelers from the playoffs because Dick LeBeau is caught jacking off practice squad running backs?

2) I'm a Pittsburgh native, and that's just what we do. The Pirates have made for an interesting summer, granted - but I need my football fix. If you give me Steelers football and some meaningful Pirates games down the stretch I'll cum the Crater Lake to its fucking brim.

3) Summer blows ass in South Florida. And North Florida, I guess. So in Florida. I guess the Florida Gators have kept a lot of these douches occupied since August, but they can go sew a denim AIDS quilt and fuck off for all that I'm concerned.

4) It might bring me out of this reoccurring hiatus and yinz know you need some damn Vern in your lives.

So let's get down to business. I see POWER RANKINGS all of the time and I don't get them. Yeah, you have preseason power rankings and stuff and then you move teams based on that but fuck that noise. That's too college-y for me. Week one should start fresh from scratch. And also, POWER RANKINGS is vague as f. It's like ALTERNATIVE ROCK. What does it mean? So here in my motherfucking neck of the woods I'm going to list NFL teams, sequentially, by order of how I perceive their awesomeness following that hot, steamy Week 1 action.

Let's go.

1. Them Baltimore Ravens
Is this team chock full of murderers and cocksucking faggots? Absolutely. But as Ray Lewis has shown over the years, incoherent murdering pile jumpers can still be good at football. And even without Suggs, who's money as shit, the Ravens still looked like a damn juggernaut last night in massacring the Bengals. I don't think the Bengals are that good, but they don't suck. And I don't think the Ravens will continue to be this awesome, but they'll be here until they screw it up and Joe Flacco starts being Joe Flacco again. Jk, there's like no way in Cleveland that I'm going to keep this up longer than a week or two.

2. New England Queers
Cincinnati is a little better than Tennessee, so I'm going to put NE second, once again in spite of my intense hatred for everything they stand for (mainly unprotected male-on-male penetration).

Just kidding, I think the homos should be able to marry each other, mainly because IT'S NOT GOING TO TURN ME GAY. But that's another subject for 2 months from now when I write my next post.

Fact is, in spite of their love of penis, New England is once again good as f and they must be afforded this respect. Tennessee is no joke and they didn't stand a chance against the Patriots. It was like a regular absorption tampon going up against Hope Solo's massive, gaping vagina. New England just looked awesome as hell. I'm tempted to put them number 1 now but I've already written number 1 and really, nobody cares.

3. San Francisco 49ers
"OMG Vern, your top teams beat middling doucheteams and the 49ers beat Green Bay! IN GREEN BAY!" Come on, doug. Don't act like 3rd is anything to scoff at.

And - I guess - I just thought the top 2 were awesomer. Green Bay didn't look like the world beaters they typically have been. Could that be because it was a matchup of two top teams and everything's relative? Absolutely, and we'll find out next week. Plus, it's going to take a bit more to convince me that Alex Smith isn't slightly above average at best.

But, as you will typically overhear in and around San Francisco - that D was awesome.

4. St. Louis Rams 
What? The fucking Rams in fourth? Yep. Because this ranking is just based on awesomeness and that was pretty awesome how the Rams embarrassed Matt Stafford and those dickhead Lions in Detroit.

So I'm ranking the Rams in fourth, a team that would have an easier time picking up a Wi-Fi signal in North Korea than they would scoring an offensive touchdown, above not only the team that beat them but also on top of like 27 other NFL teams? Yeah, because I hate the Lions and I thought it was awesome that the lowly Rams picked off every other pass that Matt Stafford threw.

But - man, that's crazy how all of the sudden I hate the Lions. First off - I LOVE Barry Sanders as a player. Favorite non-Steeler player of all-time, maybe number one from any team. Secondly - this team blew ass for so long that they were a Cleveland-style non-entity for like, forever and then all of the sudden a year or two goes by and I hate them ferociously. Take it as a complement, Lion fans. And then get fucked, probably late by Ndamowhatever Suh after you've already handed off and the running back sprints right by him.

5. Tampa Bay Bucs
Hey, this team just looked pretty damn awesome from what I saw yesterday. They were throttling Carolina's offense. Might Carolina suck? Yes. Were the Bucs last year reminiscent of an ITT Tech flag football league team? Yes. But hey, this team made the playoffs two years ago, so who the fuck knows. Carolina ain't great but you'd expect them to move the ball around on Tampa and they didn't do a damn thing. So enjoy the 5 spot, Bucs.

6. Houston Texans
Did the Texans throttle the lowly Dolphins? Yeah. Did we hear muffled screams from the Dolphins as they bound, duct-taped and raped, sounding like Anne Frank in sonar? Absolutely. So why aren't the Texans higher? Because, well - I actually watched this game and they didn't look unstoppable or anything. The Dolphins are just that bad. Like, really really really bad. We'll get to them when they come up.

The Texans took awhile to get going and never really looked like they were just dominating the game. It was mostly facilitated by Dolphin suck. I'd call it rape by attrition. So I'm going to hold off a week before I say the Texans are still one of the teams to beat in the American Football C.

7. Denver Broncos
Peyton Manning is still alive and still in Peyton Manning mode. The Steelers got no pressure on him, and he still found wide-open dudes all over the field. The improvements that the Broncos made on defense last year (see: drafting Von Miller) are still there and the offense is capable of scoring points on it's own before there are 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter. And see: that's the fuckin' difference. Last year this team might have found a way, somehow, to squeak by the Steelers off of a flukey fumble recovery and a Tebow-lead 17 yard drive into 50-yard field goal range with 12 seconds left. This time, they already had it easily won by Tebow Time. The same phenomenon works in Ben Roethlisberger's favor to make him the clutchiest player of all time when in reality he was just dicking around for 3 quarters when he could have been building a two-touchdown lead. But I've gone over that before. Point is, while the Broncos didn't look dominant, they looked pretty damn complete as a team. And in a salary capped league where just about every team has a glaring weakness, that's a pretty good predictor of success.

8. Atlanta Falcons 
Why are the Falcons only 8th? Because I watched zero minutes of this game and am only going on perceived awesomeness. You never know with KC - see the start to last year. But that's still a taint-stomping that the Falcons put on the Chefs. So just fly around in 8th, you cunty birds.

9. NY Jets 
I watched very little of this game. Supposedly, NY's offense was rocking. But it's still lead by Mark Sanchez and still probably sucks and was still playing Buffalo, who are capable of a Buffalo-performance at just about any time.

If the Jets come in and Scott Peterson the Steelers, then I'll probably be forced to respek. 

In the interim, fuck them and Tebow.

10. Washington Redskins
Didn't see much of this one, but supposedly RGIII was awesome and dominated some ass. And it was against the Saints, in New Orleans. So why am I ranking the Indians so low? Because I've seen their roster and I know how much it sucks. It's terrible. One of the worst rosters in the entire NFL talentwise. Cam Newton came out last year guns a-blazin' and almost knocked off the Packers among other things, but in the end, the overall ehhh-ness of the roster limited them to average at best. I see the same thing happening to Washington the rest of the way.

Yeah, the Bucs roster sucks too, but they looked awesome. You've got time, Washington. Make me look bad to whoever actually reads this shit.

11. Dallas Cowboys 
Yeah, they beat the defending Super Bowl champs in their house, but - I don't know. The Giants are an enigma. They aren't that great, they sneak into the playoffs and then they just run shit. They have a colander for an offensive line. Their secondary is eh. Eli doesn't go into Eli-Mode until they get to 9-7. And while I like Tony Romo and think he gets a bad rap, these two teams just bore me. I don't know what to think about them when they play each other. Like, is Kevin Ogletree going to catch 32 TDs this year or what? I kind of doubt it. At least DeMarco Murray looked like a boss.

They'll have a decent test going into Seattle to face a team that blows but plays in a difficult environment that requires a long trip through two time zones and smells like mocha. If this doesn't turn the players gay, Dallas should probably win by 2 TDs if they are fa rill.

12. New York Giants
I guess I'll put them here. I don't know. This team is tricky. They certainly had their chances on Wednesday and their defense looks bossy at times, but then a cornerback takes a nap and someone hits a fade on them to take the lead. This team is like the most inconsistent consistent team ever. I guess that makes it entertaining but it makes it hard as hell to trust these sandfuckers in a survivor league. 

You also have to figure that Victor Cruz will remember how to catch.

13. Chicago Bears
Oh yeah, da Bears! Stiff Larry and I picked the Bears for our week 1 survivor league and they responded, knocking the Colts around in Andrew Luck's debut. But, given the TV placement, I couldn't watch too much of this one. Larry said that Brandon Marshall dropped two TDs, but that's just what Brandon Marshall does. It's like an Ohioan getting a DUI - that's just how it is and you have to accept it. But that + Alshon Jeffrey is still like eons better than the failed abortion of an offense the Bears have been trotting out there in years past. Do you realize that one of this team's like, top 5 quarterbacks ever is Erik fucking Kramer? Let that sink in for a second. If you picked a Bears all-time team on Madden, Mushin Muhammad might be your starting wide receiver. That just isn't right.

14. Green Bay Packers 
I guess they have to go somewhere. They didn't look very good from what I saw but, man - it's them 49ers and they are legit as f. Packers still had a shot in this one. Let's just keep them just above the middle for now.

15. San Diego Chargers 
Saw a little bit of this game, and the Chargers put together a drive and then I went to sleep. East Coast bias. Or, maybe I HAVE TO FUCKING GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT AND THIS SHITFUCKING GAME STARTED AT LIKE 10 FUCKING 45. So suck my dick, San Diego.

16. Oakland Raiders
...and then, let me finish on your face, Oakland.

McFadden looks good. The rest of the offense looks like they escaped a methadone clinic. At least they have Rolando McClain and the defense. Ron Bartell looked like a man possessed, which is odd, because...what kind of fucked-up evil spirit would possess Ron Bartell???

17.  Minnesota Vikings
Hey, they looked competent at times last year but overall they just don't have the talent. AP is back and Jared Allen is a damn grown-ass man, and then Percy Harvin when he doesn't have hot flashes is a hell of a weapon, and Ponder looks like he may actually develop into somebody that doesn't suck, but...who is left? Well, Harrison Smith looked like a good pick as well. But that's it. And they beat Blaine Gabbert and the Jaguars, so just not enough yet on the ol' resume. Wait until they go into Indianapolis next week and zzzzzzzzzzz

18. New Orleans Saints
Was it Bountygate? Do they just suck that badly on defense regardless? Did they miss Sean Payton's pre-game hummers? Who knows, but I think America is over them so no one really cares. This team hasn't been all that great for years when you look at the overall team, but they had Drew Brees. Eventually, at some point, combine that with losing the few great players that you did have and it's easily a step back. This may be the team that you bet against for the first few weeks of 2012 and clean up before Vegas wakes up and stops making them double-digit favorites over Kansas City.

19. Fucking Steelers 
As this was the only game I watched in it's entirety, and since I follow them Steelers, I think the bad was magnified. The receivers gained no separation. The D got no pressure on Tall-head Manning. They couldn't run. Half of the line got hurt again, as usual. They forced a whopping 6 incomplete passes.

But, all that said, they had a chance to drive for the win late before Tracy Porter did what Tracy Porter does and jumped Rapey Ben's route for a pick-6. So, if the odds are favorable...hell yeah I'd bet on them next week when Tebow comes to town.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars
Was it because they played Minnesota? Or does Blaine Gabbert have a shot at not being awful as fuck? We'll see next week when Houston comes into the....the....uh....the whatever the fuck they call going into Jacksonville's stadium.

And now, basically a bunch of teams that hopelessly suck.

21. Arizona Cardinals
They won, but it was against Seattle, and it almost wasn't a win, and it happened when Million Dollar Man Kolb came in in relief of somehow starting John Skelton and started facefucking the ball into Fitzgerald's hands. Which isn't a bad strategy. But I'm sorry, this team isn't good, and they never really were. They were 8-8 in that Super Bowl season when Warner and Fitz got hot. They probably wouldn't have ever made the playoffs in any other division during the last few years. So this win just didn't impress me or Shania Twain much.

22. Indianapolis Colts
They have to go somewhere. Why not here.

23. Carolina Panthers
Didn't get stomped. I guess you could move them up because I think they easily beat teams 21 and up. In fact, so do the...

24. Tennessee Titans
...but they got stomped and have to go somewhere that reflects that. Team's decent, was ok last year, and Jake Locker is no slouch. So I may bet on them in coming weeks if they are at home and the betting line doesn't give them any love.

25. Cincinnati Bengals
Well - this team is actually pretty good but fuck, they just got ass-raped on National TV and I usually don't see that unless I'm at xnxx (dot) com. I don't want that to actually link. Maybe they'll rebound and not get beat by 31 next week when they host Cleveland. But it would be f-ing hilarious if they did. So I hope it happens.

26. Seattle Seahawks
I think they have better overall players than Arizona, but their QB sucked and they just weren't awesome at all, so they go here. I think Pete Carroll was starting Russell Wilson partly to made some sort of odd point, like "hey, money really doesn't matter, look at us and our midget rookie QB!". I'd end that soon and start Flynn, regardless of how he looked in preseason. He has documented history of torching NFL defenses in games that matter. I don't care if it was with Green Bay's offense.

What really sucks is that Ken Whisenhunt would probably fuck Magic Johnson raw to get him in a trade but Seattle wouldn't even consider giving those dicks a QB that can hit a receiver past 5 yards.

27. Detroit Lions
There is absolutely nothing awesome about being embarrassed by St. Louis's excuse for a team, whether you pull out the win in the end or not. It was that classic "good team gets lucky as shit and somehow comes back at the end to overcome all of their previous suck" games that I hate. I don't care if they didn't have a third down during the last two drives - they were the opposite of awesome. Stafford's lucky that he only threw the picks that he did, too. I'm sure they'll rebound but it would have been really, really nice to see a third of the participants in every survivor league in America knocked out by the Rams in week 1. For now I'll just have to settle for a week's worth of relative silence from Detroit fans.

28. Kansas City Chefs
I mean, I think they can be a good time but they are another enigma team and when you get raped like they did, even if you hung with the Falcons for the first half, you have to go to the bottom. Sorry.

29. Buffalo Williams
See above. But this one is a bit worse because they were getting stomped early and Fitzpatrick looked awful.

30. Miami Dolphins
The Dolphins are the most boring team ever assembled. They have been for years. They are a lock to finish between 6-10 and 8-8 every year, ensuring that they'll miss out on a top-5 draft pick. Or, they'll be the best 1-15 team in NFL history and get the number one pick - but it's in the Jake Long year. Their roster has been the most averagest roster ever assembled. No real weaknesses, nothing even approaching a strength. Cam Wake and Long may be the only Dolphins that would go in the top 10 rounds if the NFL dispersed their rosters and did a fantasy draft.

But now, they are starting to get worse. Yep - that team described above is actually getting worse and even more boring. They are rebuilding without the chips to rebuild. Their coach came across as the most middle-manager-type person ever on Hard Knocks. Jeff Ireland is a ginger prick who can't build a roster to save his damn life. Their rookie QB looks at his number one receiver, sees that he is Davone Bess and turns to his number two only to see that it's Brian fucking Hartline. Or, he can look in the flat and dump it to Reggie Bush. OR, he can look in the middle for Tony Fasano! OR, he can take a gun and shoot himself in the fucking head. This team blows ass and has no shot at 6 wins this year. They just have too few qualified NFL players.

31. Philadelphia Eagles
Oh my God did this team look putrid last weekend. Holy fuck. This was my survivor pick in one of my leagues because the Browns are that bad, and Vick went out and did everything he could to lose to them. It's like he was trying to electrocute a dog and the wires kept short circuiting and the dog is bloody and cut and whimpering for it's life and Vick is trying to put it down but he can't get enough of a shock to kill it so he tries to drown it but doesn't really have the heart to do it so it's like he's waterboarding the dog and he finally tries to run over it with his Escalade but it won't start because the alternator is bad. Like, the Browns actually had a great chance to win but some dude in the end zone dropped a pick that would have sealed it and Vick hit the game winner a play or two later and finally killed that pesky dog. Either Vick reverted back to 2006 form or Vince Young put on Vick's jersey and tricked everybody. It was like a right-handed kid with Asperger's trying to throw lefty. It was awful. And it wasn't the worst.

32. Cleveland Browns
Holy fucking shit does this team blow dicks. Brandon Weeden's QB rating wasn't even high enough to get you a DUI. Greased Pig Richardson and his balky knee ran for like 28 yards. They had four picks and still lost. They are awful as hell.

With Weeden, they look hopeless. With Colt McCoy, you know they are hopeless.

I'd seriously stop following football if I were a Browns fan. Like fa rill. I wouldn't be able to take it. Props to all of you who manage. Guhhhhhhh with like 100 H-es.

Alright. So that's it for now. Don't be afraid to use these foolproof awesome rankings for your betting next weekend!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Arguments that chap my balls: spitting on a dead man's grave!

Starling Marte is cool and all, but this is what I really came here for.

I HATE, hate hate haTHEATHth the defenses of Paterno that involve "hey, let's focus on the real criminal here - Sandusky", "let's think of the victims", or "they just want to piss all over a dead man's grave and get their piss all over his bones!". HATE. They chap the everliving shit out of my balls.

Now, I'm not pro-child rape. You can say "ohhh, whatever Vern, you have pubes and those act as natural Sandusky repellents and you don't know what it's like" and that may be true. But I'm generally against rapin' kids and having soap fights and unleashing the tickle monster and playing "Uncle Jer's showertime hide-n-go-fuck". So don't get it twisted like Maurice Gibb's intestine, aiight y'all?

Let's go at this point-by-fucking-point (it is my favorite way, after all):


Well fucking of course, retards! "Why don't you focus on the real evil figure here?" Simple...BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS SANDUSKY IS THE REAL EVIL FIGURE HERE! Nobody is arguing this. He went to trial. He was found guilty. He got like 80 years or something. Nobody thinks he's innocent! There is no FREE SANDUSKY! petitions going around. There is no "Sandusky is innocent!" Facebook page. There's no mood: Sanduskyish option on whatever remains of Myspace. There is no point to argue about Sandusky. None. Everybody knows. Do you remind people that summer is warmer than winter? No. Do you stop debate over how to get home from the bar to point out that you only got drunk because you drank alcohol? NO. You fucking don't because you have all of your chromosomes.

The debate here is about Paterno because he is the prominent public figure from Penn State football. Sandusky was some fucking guy who tickled 8-year old balls. Everybody knows that. People don't (or didn't) quite know with great certainty about Paterno and they wondered. That's why the fuck it's the main topic of debate. If you want to have a convo with me about "hey is raping kids bad", I mean, we can do it but it's only going to kill about 9 seconds of time before we have to talk about something else.


Ok. Let's think of the victims. Man, it sucks that kids got raped. Jeez, that must have been awful. I have no idea what that must have felt like. Ok, now that we've felt sufficiently bad for the kids, are they un-raped? What the fuck did we just accomplish? Do we feel good now that we think we have our priorities in place? Do you know that there are kids in Africa who are so hungry that they eat each other's dicks? Why don't you feel bad for them you fucking sack of fuck!

We get this. It's understood. Kids suffered. THERE IS NOTHING TO DEBATE HERE. If you guys want to hold candlelight vigils and think it's going to make you look like you have a heart and a soul and you are a better person than me, that's fine and you can go right the fuck ahead. In the meantime, I'll be talking about Paterno because he was Penn State football and he may have allowed this whole thing to get swept under the rug and that right there gives us SOMETHING TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT.


Why? We can't talk about this now that JoePa is dead? What the fuck? Joe Paterno being dead doesn't make him any less of a maybe-kid rape coverer-upper. You know who else is dead? Franklin Pierce. And you know what? Franklin Pierce was a fucking joke of a President. Can you say that? Of course you can. And most people that have any idea of history would agree with you. You know what they wouldn't ever say?


No one would ever say that. You can ask 3 billion people and I bet not one would ever say that.

The Penn State scandal happened and Paterno's death doesn't change that. I don't see anyone telling you that you have to pretend to enjoy Laura Branigan's music 'cause she's dead. Mainly because she was fucking awesome but bear with me here. There is a kidrape scandal here, the NCAA just took like 40 scholarships away from the Vatican, and Joe Paterno may have played an active role in suppressing this news for a decade in which Sandusky continued to practice personal hygiene with pre-teen boys. We're supposed to forget about it for a little bit because Paterno just died? Fuck and NO.

And this is coming from a Penn State fan who only went elsewhere for college because I didn't think Joe would let me on his football team. Turns out all I would have had to have done was wink at Uncle Jer.

Fuck outta here with this, yo!

Starling Marte has arrived

Let's get it, sons. If I'm going to try and do this blog again I'd be remiss if I didn't touch on them surging Buccos, who are surging all over the faces of the NL this year. Just all over their faces. Matt Kemp looks like one of those cinnamon swirl cookies, but instead of cinnamon and dough, he's made out of skin and Pirate cum.

The Pirates are not without their flaws, however, and one of them is "hitting". A decent part of the game. Sure, they can hit bombs and all, but outside of Cutch and Alvarez those bombs are just kind of coming from anywhere and you can't keep that up. They aren't getting on base too well on the year. As a whole, that is...yeah they were hot for a month, but they are likely to regress, and it appears to have already started. Just like the first month was an aberration on the bad side, I take this recent stretch as the opposite. The leadoff spot has been especially poor, with Jose Tabata being sent down to the Rockford Peaches and Alex Presley hitting like, .230.

Just so happens they had a guy in the wings named Starling Marte.

I've been living on Twitter recently - which is odd given that I usually spend 8 minutes a month on Twitter - waiting for Dejan Kovacevic or Keith Law or Grantland Rice to break the news of Marte's promotion. This Marte guy may not be the savior, but with everyone else hitting .194 at the top of the order, it's time to see what the fuck he can go. I'm pumped.

So let's fucking get it, kids. Remember to drink your Sambuca shots every inning in which the Bucs score.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Wikihow is a motherfucking goldmine

Dougs....shit is cray. I've been spending a lot of time on a site that I didn't even know existed and I'm kind of upset that I wasn't alerted to its existence sooner. That site is Wikihow and it is a DAMN GOLDMINE.

Everything is on Wikihow. EVERYTHING. See, I'm in a dodgeball league (and it's awesome so you can all suck me), and we are kind of awful as fuck. Like awful as bright neon fuck. Terrible. I was unable to attend the week one game (which we lost) and the next day I was sent an email from the captain with a link to Wikihow, purporting to teach us awesome dodgeball tips that we could jump on and reverse choke-fuck to victory.

You have got to be shitting the fuck out of me.

Dodge the ball! Dodging the ball means you aren't out! Unless you can

Catch the fucking ball! This is so much cooler than dodging. And then the other team is out, and that increases your chance of ultimate victory.

Trick them by throwing the ball in different locations! THEY WILL BE BEWILDERED AS F!

It's one of the dumbest things I've ever read. But it gets better. Perusing Wikihow leads to some really great how tos. Like HOW TO MOTHERFUCKING GET A BOY OR GIRL IF YOU HAVE ASPERGERS. But my favorite thusfar is "How to Find a Queer Relationship in High School". It looks as if the long national nightmare for high school queers is about to be put to an end for good.

1. Discover your own identity. It takes time to figure out who you are, and in the queer community there's even more pressure to have a rigid, fixed identity with a label like "gay," "bi," "trans," "lesbian," or "bisexual." Don't worry if you're not quite sure what word to use, or if the words you use change over time. You can use words like "queer," "pansexual," "questioning," or "gender fluid." You also don't have to base who you're interested in on gender. Just ask yourself some basic questions, like: 

Starting out with a bang here! See, problem one for all of you queer high schoolers is that you keep calling yourself cocksuckers and fags and stuff like that. It's not like the bullying or wondering why you are 15 years old and a dude but want to taste dicks or those awkward feelings because you are confused why you are a little girl in 9th grade and you don't know what scissoring is but yet you still want to scissor like you were doing championship-level's the label, stupid. Very pragmatic.

You need to extract yourself from the stupid gay identities of the queer community. See, while every other citizen of queer nation is going by "gay" or "biqueer", you can break the mold and go by something that you want to go by. But you have to go by something. There are roles, and if your name is Jeff and you like cock, you can't just go by Jeff. I know it sucks but fucking deal with it, Jeff. Be proud.

So Jeff, don't let them call you gay. You can use queer! Nah, don't use queer. Pansexual? Eh. Gender fluid? Good one! Wikihow is really on top of this. But I think they need to go deeper. How about "majestic prince of dick"? That one's regal! Or "cum addict". You miiiight as well face it you're addicted to cum. Ha! You can sing old Robert Palmer songs about cum! So don't let them pigeonhole you, you sweet, sweet arbiter of ass, you.

Oh, I cut it off...what questions does Wikihow think you queers should ask yourselves?

  • Who am I looking for in a relationship? Is gender important? If so, what gender(s) do I prefer?
  • Is it important to me to claim a particular identity?
  • Do I want to come out? If I'm out, or plan to be, does the person I date need to be out, too?
  • How comfortable am I with PDA? Some queer teens may want to be out at school and to their families, and others may not. Decide this before you enter a relationship.
  • Is it important to me that someone I'm with affirm my gender and/or sexuality? This may be particularly important if you're trans- or bisexual-identified and might end up in what looks like a "straight" relationship.
RIGHT! Right off the bat, we get at the heart of the matter here. Sit down with me, Jeff, and let's get started with these questions. HEY STOP LOOKING AT MY DICK

• Who am I looking for in a relationship? Is gender important? If so, what gender(s) do I prefer?

Yes! See, if you are going to try and start a gay relationship it would help to ask yourself "self, am I ACTUALLY FUCKING GAY? Do I want to taste penises now and forever more or am I just bored and hey, there's a dick, may as well suck it?"...this is an important step. You've got to nail this one.

Is it important to me to claim a particular identity?

Do you want to be one of those rambunctious gays that are all carrying flags around and eating kale salads after yoga class or do you just want to be kinda, you know, like sneaky gay?

I mean the rest are kinda ok (at least number 3...number 4 about PDA is just, yeah, like - decide just how gay you are and turn your public gayness up or down accordingly. But like, what the fuck yo?

• Meet other queer teenagers and allies. If you live in a queer-friendly community, or go to a queer-friendly school, this may be easy. But if you don't, you'll need to meet people before you can look for potential dates. Search the web for any local queer youth groups or meet-ups, or if there are none available, try social justice groups or arts groups for teenagers. Often, though not always, queer teens get involved in politically liberal causes and the arts, which have typically been queer-friendly spaces. Feminist groups also tend to be particularly queer friendly. Dating websites are another place to meet, but spend time chatting first before you meet in person, and always meet in a public place first.

START A QUEER PATROL! So simple! I can't believe I never thought of that! If you want to start a gay relationship - just go find some gays!

Now, this is easy if you go to the gayest high school on the planet, but for the rest of you who go to normal high schools where gays are hopping out of bushes and overflowing from maintenance closets, you may have to do some work. Search the web for gay hangouts! Go to! Start being liberal as fuck! These are all tips that will end up with you catching frozen ropes of ejaculate in no time.

But all in all I agree with Wikihow...if you want to start a queer relationship, go find a metric shit ton of queers. It's so simple. This article had to have been written in the UK, because I have never seen the word queer typed so many times in my life. In fact, I don't think I've even said it since I was in 4th grade. Next week will be how to start a queer relationship in 4th grade even though your dicks don't even work yet.

Be open about your identity and availability in ways that make sense to you. Everyone is different. Some people want to shout about their queerness from the rooftops, while others are painfully shy. If you want to date someone who knows that you're queer, whether a same-sex relationship or not, you need to be open about your identity to some extent. But how you do that is up to you. You can come out entirely at school, or in your community but not at school, or you can spread the word in some other way--letting close friends know, for example, or being active on the Internet as a queer teen. You never know whether a Twitter follower or blog reader in your town might start crushing on you if you come out online, and in some ways these venues are safer than being open at school or around town. this article of three just awesome, awesome tips - maybe 3% of it is how to actually start a queer relationship. You know, though, you can always just become the newest hot internet queer teen, right? Didn't you know that? You didn't! OMG! Ok, first off, it's awesome, and second off, your Twitter followers are going to totes fall in love with you.You could film yourself RIGHT NOW wearing Umbro shorts and a rainbow t-shirt, singing gay songs about Janet Reno and rubbing against Michael Bolton posters. You could take that video, upload that shit to Youtube in like 5 minutes and then wait a few hours for it to go viral. And then, bang! Queers are going to be swarming you like a damn handjobbing flash mob.

Keep up the good work, Wikihow!

Thursday, July 12, 2012


Oh yeah...fuck it. I'm going to try a comeback. Bert Farve, y'all.

Anyway...Bob Kraft did some embarrassing dance thing with a young lady on the internet recently, and broads are pissed. You know, the same internet where you can find animated GIFS of meth addicts blowing horses and a gay dude disguised as a piece of chocolate signing about getting ass-hammered. That place. It now has Bob Kraft stumbling over acting lines. has this broad laying on the ice like, herself.

Robert Kraft goes over Viagra Falls, but it’s his image in a barrel

By Margery Eagan

 - I have absolutely no idea what that means. I mean, I'm a fan of things like "yeah, Magic got in his AIDSmobile and drove to Unprotectedsexville", but Viagra Falls? Going over it? But it's only his image in a barrel? There are so many aimless metaphors in here, just pulling each other apart at the atoms. It's like quantum failure. Did the ghost of Ed Delahanty craft this one? Get it? I said "craft"! Haha! Jajajajajaaja JOL

So anyway, awkward video of Patriots owner Bob Kraft recently surfaced and it isn't exactly flattering for him. He's helping what appears to be his 14-year old girlfriend (he's 107) with an audition, he reads some lines (poorly), does a dance (poorlier), and says "fuck you, pussy!". I mean - yeah, it's not the coolest thing for someone of his stature to be doing. He probably didn't expect the video to be made public, though. But...this broad Marge Eagan apparently thinks it invalidates him and his late wife's entire legacy and ruins his brand. The Patriots are pretty much done, she surmises. 

Vern counter-surmises against her. 

Do we all still have to call him “Mr. Kraft”?

Doesn't matter to me.  You can call him Dancing Fucktard Kraft for all I care. Or Mittens.

Will Patriot uniforms’ MHK patches — honoring the great, late Myra Hiatt Kraft — now be replaced with patches honoring Kraft’s new pal, Ricki, with a red heart over each “i”?

I don't know...did she just fucking die of cancer? Did this chick die of cancer after having been married to him for 30+ years? If so...then yes, she gets a patch.

Ohhhh...I get it. You are chiding him for even having a young girlfriend, accusing him of besmirching his wife's memory or something. Was it your wife that died of cancer, Marge? He doesn't have to disavow women just because it offends your perceived relationship between him and his wife, Margey. 

But yes, there would certainly be a heart over each "i", because that would really rub it in his dead wife's face amiright? AMIFUCKINGRIGHT! HA! Of course I'm right! WOOOO

“Somebody needs to haul him out of his house explaining how he’s just snapped, insane with grief with his shirt all tied up like Hannibal Lecter,” said a Pats fan yesterday. 

 Probably a woman.

“And they need to do it before the end of business today, or Kraft’s tossed his whole brand.”

Oh shut. The. Fuck. Up. This is a mothersucking blip on the Goddamn radar of Bob Kraft and the Patriots. 

Tossed his whole brand? Stop overreacting. People will by and large forget about this in a week. His young "friend" was already public knowledge. And maybe it doesn't look that great. BUT WHO CARES? It doesn't have to! Bob Kraft's brand is the New England Patriots. People watched Patriots games when SCOTT FUCKIN' ZOLAK was quarterbacking them. They don't watch games because of Kraft. Dumbass New Englanders love the Patriots because they are douchebags and think Tom Brady and Wes Welker are wicked, not because Bobbert Kraft owns the team. 

This is stupid. Bob Kraft doesn't have to exclusively enjoy the company of women that you approve. Nor does he have to lock himself in a closet and cry himself to sleep every day. The world keeps on spinning, even for Bob Kraft and his "brand".

And if you stop watching Patriots games because Bob Kraft perfectly acceptably hangs around ugly young women in spite of not being married, then you shouldn't have been following the team in the first place. If it comes out in the news that Dan Rooney has been engaging in hardcore gay BDSM with male hookers for years and his safeword is "dandelion", I'm still going to watch the hell out of Steelers games this year. Hell, I'm a Penn State fan. I'm going to keep watching PSU games regardless of how soapy and naked Jerry Sandusky liked his 11-year old boys. WE ARE! TICKLE MONSTER!

The brand that was all about family values football, he said. “You can’t even smoke anymore at Gillette. But this? This? It’s pathetic.”


Here are two lists!

List 1: Things that can give me cancer

• Second-hand smoke

List 2: Things that cannot in any fucking possible way ever give me cancer

• Second-hand creepiness from old man Kraft

In case you missed it, “this” is the bizarre new Bob and Ricki video where Bob appears to be helping the gorgeous Ricki, in a bikini, audition for a movie. The camera pans slowly up and down Ricki’s luscious self. She winks. Then Kraft awkwardly reads some lines, does a cringe-worthy dance, and uses two eyebrow-raising vulgarities.

She ain't luscious. She looks like a mannequin that came to life. And then he says fuck and pussy.

You see it. You can’t quite believe this is Mr. Robert Kraft, who created a football dynasty in his signature blue shirts with crisp white collars.

Yeah, I agree. It's fucking weird to see Bob Kraft doing this. 

Creepy. Disturbing. Need to shower.

Fine with that. I have no problem with this take on it. It is a bit creepy. She's 9 years old, for Christ's sake. And he voted for Lincoln. 

Those are sentiments I heard yesterday.
Don't care. Do you know what kind of sentiments I hear every day? Dougs, you should really read my Facebook news feed. I once heard a dude at Bokamper's say that we need to shoot Obama because he froze NASA spending or something and the next war is going to be fought in space. These are the sentiments that I hear every day.

It’s not that Kraft, a rich and powerful widower, can’t chase The Great American Rich and Powerful Man’s Dream: spending the Viagra years with a knockout blonde who pretends you mean more to her than said riches and power. We saw Bob and Ricki at a Celtics playoff game. We may have recoiled. She’s 32. He’s 71, which goes beyond dating-your-daughter range (see John Henry, Red Sox) to dating-your-granddaughter range. Plus, these days, trophy wives/girlfriends typically bring visible skills to the table (see Mrs. John Henry).

 Wait...he can't? The premise of your article is basically that he can't, and you have him falling over waterfalls in barrels while doing so.  You just said that they are going to have to replace the patches dedicated to his wife with heart-encrusted stripper poles.

But hey, Kraft’s a lonely guy. We could cut him slack — until now. Now he’s let little Ricki use him in a publicly demeaning way, and thereby he’s publicly demeaned his children, grandchildren and the memory of the wife he, very publicly, seemed to adore.

Come on. He's helping her with an audition, doing a terrible job at it, and they are both embarrassing. He was trying to have some fun, instead of always having to be that dude in crisp shirts who's dick gets hard over family values except for the fact that he's too family valuesy to even have a hard dick. He cannot have thought this video would see the light of day. And they are both demeaning themselves with awful acting. He's demeaned his children? And his grandchildren? And the wife he "seemed" to adore? You know the one he "said" that he loved?

Come the fuck on. "Grandpa does stupid, embarrassing thing", wrote NO NEWSPAPER EVER BECAUSE GRANDPAS ARE OLD AND DO EMBARRASSING SHIT.

We are done with cutting your slack, Kraft! This is it! You have came all over your dead wife's legacy! 

The real deal. Genuine, kind, never condescending. That rare philanthropist who walked the walk and helped the truly needy, often anonymously. That’s what you heard about Myra Kraft in the days after her death, not even a year ago. And now this.

There are things you can still hear about Myra Kraft, because she wasn't in this video, and it doesn't affect her, because she's dead. 

"Hey Rich, remember how Myra Kraft was so kind?"

"Of course".

"You've got to be kidding me...FUCK MYRA KRAFT!"

Yesterday, Kraft expressed regret about his Ricki video.

Yeah, because he embarrasses himself and it got out on the internet.

Too late.

You've lost Marge Eagan.

It’ll never fade away, this painful new image of Kraft as yet another sad, silly, all-sexed-up old fool.

Yes. Yes it will fade. Probably well before football games are played. And if it hasn't faded by then, it will shortly thereafter.

Because no one cares about Robert Kraft's personal life. Really, they don't. This is the same Bob Kraft who football fans accuse of all but blowing Roger Goodell. And you think this is going to hurt his legacy?

Laying on the ice like a got-damned broad, Marge.