Thursday, July 12, 2012


Oh yeah...fuck it. I'm going to try a comeback. Bert Farve, y'all.

Anyway...Bob Kraft did some embarrassing dance thing with a young lady on the internet recently, and broads are pissed. You know, the same internet where you can find animated GIFS of meth addicts blowing horses and a gay dude disguised as a piece of chocolate signing about getting ass-hammered. That place. It now has Bob Kraft stumbling over acting lines. has this broad laying on the ice like, herself.

Robert Kraft goes over Viagra Falls, but it’s his image in a barrel

By Margery Eagan

 - I have absolutely no idea what that means. I mean, I'm a fan of things like "yeah, Magic got in his AIDSmobile and drove to Unprotectedsexville", but Viagra Falls? Going over it? But it's only his image in a barrel? There are so many aimless metaphors in here, just pulling each other apart at the atoms. It's like quantum failure. Did the ghost of Ed Delahanty craft this one? Get it? I said "craft"! Haha! Jajajajajaaja JOL

So anyway, awkward video of Patriots owner Bob Kraft recently surfaced and it isn't exactly flattering for him. He's helping what appears to be his 14-year old girlfriend (he's 107) with an audition, he reads some lines (poorly), does a dance (poorlier), and says "fuck you, pussy!". I mean - yeah, it's not the coolest thing for someone of his stature to be doing. He probably didn't expect the video to be made public, though. But...this broad Marge Eagan apparently thinks it invalidates him and his late wife's entire legacy and ruins his brand. The Patriots are pretty much done, she surmises. 

Vern counter-surmises against her. 

Do we all still have to call him “Mr. Kraft”?

Doesn't matter to me.  You can call him Dancing Fucktard Kraft for all I care. Or Mittens.

Will Patriot uniforms’ MHK patches — honoring the great, late Myra Hiatt Kraft — now be replaced with patches honoring Kraft’s new pal, Ricki, with a red heart over each “i”?

I don't know...did she just fucking die of cancer? Did this chick die of cancer after having been married to him for 30+ years? If so...then yes, she gets a patch.

Ohhhh...I get it. You are chiding him for even having a young girlfriend, accusing him of besmirching his wife's memory or something. Was it your wife that died of cancer, Marge? He doesn't have to disavow women just because it offends your perceived relationship between him and his wife, Margey. 

But yes, there would certainly be a heart over each "i", because that would really rub it in his dead wife's face amiright? AMIFUCKINGRIGHT! HA! Of course I'm right! WOOOO

“Somebody needs to haul him out of his house explaining how he’s just snapped, insane with grief with his shirt all tied up like Hannibal Lecter,” said a Pats fan yesterday. 

 Probably a woman.

“And they need to do it before the end of business today, or Kraft’s tossed his whole brand.”

Oh shut. The. Fuck. Up. This is a mothersucking blip on the Goddamn radar of Bob Kraft and the Patriots. 

Tossed his whole brand? Stop overreacting. People will by and large forget about this in a week. His young "friend" was already public knowledge. And maybe it doesn't look that great. BUT WHO CARES? It doesn't have to! Bob Kraft's brand is the New England Patriots. People watched Patriots games when SCOTT FUCKIN' ZOLAK was quarterbacking them. They don't watch games because of Kraft. Dumbass New Englanders love the Patriots because they are douchebags and think Tom Brady and Wes Welker are wicked, not because Bobbert Kraft owns the team. 

This is stupid. Bob Kraft doesn't have to exclusively enjoy the company of women that you approve. Nor does he have to lock himself in a closet and cry himself to sleep every day. The world keeps on spinning, even for Bob Kraft and his "brand".

And if you stop watching Patriots games because Bob Kraft perfectly acceptably hangs around ugly young women in spite of not being married, then you shouldn't have been following the team in the first place. If it comes out in the news that Dan Rooney has been engaging in hardcore gay BDSM with male hookers for years and his safeword is "dandelion", I'm still going to watch the hell out of Steelers games this year. Hell, I'm a Penn State fan. I'm going to keep watching PSU games regardless of how soapy and naked Jerry Sandusky liked his 11-year old boys. WE ARE! TICKLE MONSTER!

The brand that was all about family values football, he said. “You can’t even smoke anymore at Gillette. But this? This? It’s pathetic.”


Here are two lists!

List 1: Things that can give me cancer

• Second-hand smoke

List 2: Things that cannot in any fucking possible way ever give me cancer

• Second-hand creepiness from old man Kraft

In case you missed it, “this” is the bizarre new Bob and Ricki video where Bob appears to be helping the gorgeous Ricki, in a bikini, audition for a movie. The camera pans slowly up and down Ricki’s luscious self. She winks. Then Kraft awkwardly reads some lines, does a cringe-worthy dance, and uses two eyebrow-raising vulgarities.

She ain't luscious. She looks like a mannequin that came to life. And then he says fuck and pussy.

You see it. You can’t quite believe this is Mr. Robert Kraft, who created a football dynasty in his signature blue shirts with crisp white collars.

Yeah, I agree. It's fucking weird to see Bob Kraft doing this. 

Creepy. Disturbing. Need to shower.

Fine with that. I have no problem with this take on it. It is a bit creepy. She's 9 years old, for Christ's sake. And he voted for Lincoln. 

Those are sentiments I heard yesterday.
Don't care. Do you know what kind of sentiments I hear every day? Dougs, you should really read my Facebook news feed. I once heard a dude at Bokamper's say that we need to shoot Obama because he froze NASA spending or something and the next war is going to be fought in space. These are the sentiments that I hear every day.

It’s not that Kraft, a rich and powerful widower, can’t chase The Great American Rich and Powerful Man’s Dream: spending the Viagra years with a knockout blonde who pretends you mean more to her than said riches and power. We saw Bob and Ricki at a Celtics playoff game. We may have recoiled. She’s 32. He’s 71, which goes beyond dating-your-daughter range (see John Henry, Red Sox) to dating-your-granddaughter range. Plus, these days, trophy wives/girlfriends typically bring visible skills to the table (see Mrs. John Henry).

 Wait...he can't? The premise of your article is basically that he can't, and you have him falling over waterfalls in barrels while doing so.  You just said that they are going to have to replace the patches dedicated to his wife with heart-encrusted stripper poles.

But hey, Kraft’s a lonely guy. We could cut him slack — until now. Now he’s let little Ricki use him in a publicly demeaning way, and thereby he’s publicly demeaned his children, grandchildren and the memory of the wife he, very publicly, seemed to adore.

Come on. He's helping her with an audition, doing a terrible job at it, and they are both embarrassing. He was trying to have some fun, instead of always having to be that dude in crisp shirts who's dick gets hard over family values except for the fact that he's too family valuesy to even have a hard dick. He cannot have thought this video would see the light of day. And they are both demeaning themselves with awful acting. He's demeaned his children? And his grandchildren? And the wife he "seemed" to adore? You know the one he "said" that he loved?

Come the fuck on. "Grandpa does stupid, embarrassing thing", wrote NO NEWSPAPER EVER BECAUSE GRANDPAS ARE OLD AND DO EMBARRASSING SHIT.

We are done with cutting your slack, Kraft! This is it! You have came all over your dead wife's legacy! 

The real deal. Genuine, kind, never condescending. That rare philanthropist who walked the walk and helped the truly needy, often anonymously. That’s what you heard about Myra Kraft in the days after her death, not even a year ago. And now this.

There are things you can still hear about Myra Kraft, because she wasn't in this video, and it doesn't affect her, because she's dead. 

"Hey Rich, remember how Myra Kraft was so kind?"

"Of course".

"You've got to be kidding me...FUCK MYRA KRAFT!"

Yesterday, Kraft expressed regret about his Ricki video.

Yeah, because he embarrasses himself and it got out on the internet.

Too late.

You've lost Marge Eagan.

It’ll never fade away, this painful new image of Kraft as yet another sad, silly, all-sexed-up old fool.

Yes. Yes it will fade. Probably well before football games are played. And if it hasn't faded by then, it will shortly thereafter.

Because no one cares about Robert Kraft's personal life. Really, they don't. This is the same Bob Kraft who football fans accuse of all but blowing Roger Goodell. And you think this is going to hurt his legacy?

Laying on the ice like a got-damned broad, Marge.

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