Friday, October 31, 2008

You guys are sucking dick out there!

Man, we are getting destroyed out there. I hope coach doesn't do anything crazy again this week.


Coach, we're trying as hard as we can out there.


Holy fuck, coach!

Frank, come up here.

Oh, fuck me.

Frank, stand right there. Now take off your pants.

No, man! I'm not going to take my pants off!


*attempts to take off Frank Gore's pants*



*succeeds in getting Frank Gore's pants off*


*put's Frank Gore's penis in his mouth, begins blowing Frank Gore*


*mumbles with Frank Gore's dick in his mouth*







Coach, why are you so good at this?

*ejaculates into Mike Singletary's mouth*


*wipes off mouth*




Oh snap, I gotta play dress ups

Oh snap y'all, it's Halloweens today. Time to get lost in the act of pretending to be someone else (no, not like that dude who was arrested for impersonating Brian St. Pierre). But what am I going to dress up as? I usually like to do something strange and uncommon.

Last year, I started hitting the sauce early and was kind of out of it by 4 o'clock. So, I kind of missed the "go get a costume" part of things. I had to think quick right before we left...and so I took the hose attachment from the vacuum cleaner and carried it around with a tag on my shirt that read "FREE ABORTIONS!". That went over realllll well, let me tell you.

This year, I really haven't had too much time to formulate a costume nor the expendable scratch to buy the pieces for it. As soon as my money comes in right now, it goes out to bills. And those bills do not include Spiderman masks. So, I had come up with a few ideas.

- A pube. How would I pull off being a pube, you ask? I really have no idea. I guess I would paint my face black, wear all black, and find some black curly thing to wear on my head. Not too many people thought this was a good idea. I think it it's the best idea I've ever had in my life, and that's saying something as I was the guy who told John Holmes that he might want to get some HIV tests done before he started doing gay porns. Best "I told you so" in my life, even if he was too dead-from-AIDS to hear it. Anyway, I might still end up doing this one tomorrow (two days of costuming coming up).

- A Chrysler Town and Country. Yes, a minivan. No, I have no idea how. All I know is it would be awesome and there would be no chance of showing up and having to say "fuck, Diane, you are a Chrysler Town and Country too?". If I had a good amount of dollars laying around, I might try this. But even then I have no idea how I'd do it. Maybe I'll just drive one into the living room.

- Someone in blackface. Blackface is awesome in every circumstance. I could be Mike Tyson, or Stevie Wonder, or even MLK Jr.!!! If I get some African-American paint, I might do Tyson. That would be easy. Plus, I could ask every woman there if they want to perform Horatio on me.

I got nothing this year. I'm going to have to do the pube idea.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

WTF is this gay thing?

What the hell? I can't be the only one who has seen these abominations of gayness out on the streets. Chrysler PT Cruisers with matching tow things on the back. Unreal gayness, even for a PT Cruiser, which was apparently named for the act of cruising public restrooms for gay sex.

This is potentially the gayest thing I've ever seen, and I know gayness. I live in South Florida, one of the gay Meccas of the country. So don't tell me I don't know gayness.

I was once offered $100 from an older Dominican gentlemen just to allow him the privilege of giving me a BJ. I know gayness.

I was also offered a job in Jacksonville stripping at a gay bar after my car broke down. Why, pray tell, was I at a gay bar? Ok, I'll tell you.

During my move from Pittsburgh to Ft. Lauderdale in the beautiful beige '92 Buick LeSabre without air conditioning, the beast predictably broke down in Jacksonville. Or, as an NFL analyst would put it, "the Buick was out with a fuel pump". I knew one person between North Carolina and Lauderdale, and she just happened to live in Jacksonville. She had since gone all lesbian, and I was pretty much just hanging with her and her lesbian friends. Who were awesome lesbians, by the way. Anyway, we went to a "gay-friendly" bar the first night, which was awesome. It was some straight women and gay dudes. The women were excited that I liked the vagina! They let me touch their tits and everything just to prove that I like tits. A few said, "my gay friends do that, too". I offered to show them further that I was not a gay, but alas, it did not get me any easy BJs behind the bar.

The next night, we went to a straight up gay bar for lesbian night. It was called "In Cahoots" and had a big ass rainbow right on the wall. They told me beforehand that it was like straight up gay, but what the hell am I gonna do? Sure, I'll go. It's lesbian night anyway, right? So we went to this gay ass bar. Got in to the sight of shirtless bartenders begging to mix up an appletini or two for me, but not too bad. Plus, as it was lesbian night, there were some dancers working who were...let's just say they were barely clothed. And dancing provocatively. So it wasn't too bad. Of course, there's certainly more to it than that.

There was a group of gay dudes there at the other side of one of the bars who finally by the end of the night sent a gay ambassador over to me and the lesbians (sounds like a band name) to ask the $64,000 question. "Yo, we need to know. Are you gay? Consensus is you're gay". Damn, man, do I look gay? LISTEN TO THE DEPTH OF THIS VOICE!!!! No, dude, sorry, I'm not gay. I wasn't offended. I mean, I'm in a fucking gay bar with a bunch of lesbians. Of course people should assume I like to taste frenulums. Sweet. Shortly thereafter, one of the lesbian dancers who actually claimed to be bisexual but apparently wasn't in the mood to act as a cock hangar that night came over and told me to come with her to the bar. Apparently gay bartender in charge liked what he saw and asked me if I wanted to dance at the bar on gay nights. They all claimed that I would make a lot of money...uhhh, have you ever seen me dance? I dance like Mormons fuck...very rigidly and only if I am sure nobody is watching. And plus, I saw the chicks dancing with the lesbians in attendance and it was...provocative to say the least. So no, I'm sorry, aside from the fact that I don't live here, I can't put my balls in some dudes face for $3 and pretend to enjoy it.

So don't tell me I don't know gayness.

Point is, none of this stuff is gayer than the PT Cruiser trailer things.

The trailers are gayer than two dudes wrapping their cocks together on a bed of cotton candy.

They are gayer than a chick touching herself to a mental image of Ellen Degeneres riding a pony and singing Melissa Etheridge songs.

They are gayer than a dude taking money shots while vacuuming his living room and humming Bee-Gees tunes.

There really isn't anything I've ever seen that is gayer than these cars and their tow-pieces. And that really is saying something.

Courtesy rage

By the way, FDot, thanks for the advanced heads up to the "upcoming" traffic.

We've all heard of road rage, and road rage sucks. Violence usually ends up bad when people aren't controlling 2-ton machines going 50 mph, but when you add in the cars you can get some pretty dangerous results. Plus, you look like a douchebag when you tailgate someone, beep your horn repeatedly, and yell through your windshield. I hate road rage.

However, I realized yesterday that I am prone to courtesy rage. You know, you are sitting on the highway, someone is trying to merge and you are like...ok, I'll let this guy merge. And you wave, and say "go ahead", and the dude just sits there with his blinker on. So you keep waving, and he doesn't go over, and 30 seconds later you find yourself screaming at this fucking idiot to fucking merge so HE CAN GET OFF OF THE MOTHERFUCKING EXIT HURRY THE FUCK UP!!!!!!

I do this on regular streets when people are trying to make lefts or get out of parking lots as well. Quite often. WOULD YOU FUCKERS GO!?!?!?! God damn it I'm trying to be nice here, retards. So stop drinking your juice and freaking go while I'm giving you the chance. Or else I'm really going to get pissed.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Argument that chaps my balls part III

You are looking at two guys who just win games.

It's that simple. If there's a game, and it's not between two guys who just win, then the guy who just wins is simply going to just win. It doesn't matter what game it is. You get Steve McNair up against Ken Jennings in Jeopardy and I'm picking McNair every time. Fact is, he just wins games.

Before Vince Young got sad, he too was labeled as a guy who just won games. He threw about 9 more INTs than TDs last season, but guess what...his team won games! Forget the other 21 guys on the field, this was Vince Young's doing and Vince Young's alone. Vince willed his team to victory before crying himself to sleep later in the evenings.

Forget that they had a sick defense and a so-so schedule last year and still only went 9-7, good enough for "average".

Ignore completely that a guy like Kerry motherfreaking Collins has lead said team to a 7-0 record this year (albeit against a similarly questionable sked...but they did just beat the Colts).

Just remember that Vince Young wins games. This is all that is important.

Thus, according to the transitive property of retardation that states that if a=b, and b=c, then make a bunch of stupid jokes, it must follow that the latter are all true:

- Microsoft just wins operating systems...forget that they come bundled with everything you buy.

- Kordell Stewart just wins the hearts of gay men everywhere, regardless of the fact that they probably would have blown anybody.

- AT&T just wins wireless networks, regardless of what iPhones have done for them.

- John Mark Karr just gets the chicks...ignore the fact that she was 7.

- Jon Benet Ramsey just wins beauty pageants. I have no idea where I'm going with this one.

- Ben Roethlisberger justs manages games...don't bother actually watching them.

- All of the guys who won more games than Vince Young don't just win games, because only a few guys can just win games or else everybody would just win games and there would be no point in continuing to have games.

- Toni Braxton just unbreaks hearts. You heard the lyrics.

- OJ Simpson just gets his stuff back...disregard the life sentence he's going to get for it.

Next person to suggest to me that someone "just wins" wins a money shot to their face.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Coach, I'm just sad

*steps into easy sack*

VINCE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! You can't just take easy sacks like that! You had Gage underneath as a safety route, and you didn't even look at him!

Coach, I tried...I mean, I kind of looked over a little but...fuck it, coach. I'm just sad.

You're sad? Vince, what are you talking about? Do you need another positive peptalk?

Coach, the peptalks just aren't getting it done anymore. I feel kind of sad that you didn't know I was sad. I'm sadder now. Don't you even check my Myspace page anymore? I'm considering a change to "melancholy".

Vince, I'm sorry. I have been pretty busy lately gameplanning and breaking down our opponents to check up on your Myspace....and please, Vince, you have to stop changing into the Texas uniform every time you get sad.

But coach, they loved me there! I felt whole. I need to feel whole again. Everybody cheered when I stepped on to the field.

I know, Vince, but you can't go back. You are a professional now. You make a king's ransom to play this game. Quite a pretty penny indeed.

Young drops back, fires to Limas Sweed along the sidelines...touchdown! Touchdown Longhorns! The crowd goes wild!!!! They love Vince Young here!!!!!

*runs around the sidelines in faux celebration*

VINCE! Stop daydreaming! You are not at Texas anymore! Now can I count on you to get out there and just win games?

...I guess. Where's my helmet...and my Titans uniform. Ok. What are we going to run here? I need to...fuck it, coach, I just don't care. I'm too sad. I'm gonna go over and drink some Gatorades.

God fucking damn it!!!! Where's Collins?

Jesus endorses third-party candidate

Jesus explains the rationale behind his decision to an undecided ACORN voter in Macon, GA.

ATLANTA, GA - Republican and Democratic strategists alike are rushing to defend both their candidates and Jesus Christ himself after Christ's unexpected announcement in support of Bob Barr's presidential campaign. Despite the Democrats assertions that Jesus would support their social programs intended to support poorer Americans and Republican claims that Jesus would support their steadfast opposition to abortions and gay marriage, Jesus cited a lifelong Libertarian tilt and a support of the true free market capitalistic system that Barr represents.

"My son, Bob Barr, is the only candidate for president in this election that stands a chance to fix the American economy", stated Christ at a press conference in Atlanta. "While my sons Barack Obama and John McCain are both good men with good intentions, they really don't understand the intracacies of the economy anywhere near the level that Bob Barr does. That is why I'm endorsing Bob Barr in this election".

Christ's speech was met with racous cheers from the Barr crowd, who were looking for any glimmer of hope and have gone as far as trying to have messrs. Obama and McCain removed from the Texas ballot over a missed registration deadline. "This is the break we've been looking for", claimed Barr supporter Richard Webster of Augusta, GA. "To have Christ endorse Bob might get enough Republican and Democrat voters to swing to us that we may be able to do something come November fourth".

Republicans and Democrats alike rushed to defend their candidates while at the same time making sure not to appear derivise at all to Mr. Christ.

"We obviously don't think that Christ would suffer any lacks in judgment", opined McCain advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer. "We still feel that John McCain is the best man for the job and we believe that the American people will come to this realization as well on Election Day. Not that Christ is wrong or anything, because he's not, it's just that...well, Christ doesn't...I mean, he certainly understands the issues, but he's just voting based on slightly different needs than the average hard-working American citizen." Pfotenhauer quickly added "not that Christ can't identify with them or isn't hard-working himself".

Obama advisor Tony McPeak suffered similar difficulties in explaining away Mr. Christ's announcement. "Jesus, is a great man. He's an incredible man. And as he said during his speech, he still believes in Barack Obama's capability to handle the presidency. And we agree with him." McPeak later added "Jesus hasn't been feeling the economic crunch that most Americans have and might not have all the knowledge available on the health care issue facing the United States. Not that he couldn't immediately pick it up if he wanted to, which he could. It might just be that he doesn't have access to all of the information out there. He would have no problem getting it and understanding it, though. He'd certainly be a quick study."

Not all Obama supporters were as lukewarm about their deference to Mr. Christ's reasoning.

"Seriously? This again?", remarked political comic Bill Maher on Fox and Friends yesterday afternoon, sparking harsh criticism from the show's hosts. "Obama said [rural voters] were clinging to their guns and religion, and here they go again. You really think Jesus supports a pro-gun agenda? He's not registered to vote anyway!".

Jesus Christ is currently registered to vote in 7 US states and Guam, although the legality of these registrations has been questioned by election officials.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Generic Energy Drink Corner - Rockstar Punched

NOTE: Background changed to protect the innocent, who has an actual job.

Ok, every so often I get a Red Bull. You know, when I'm tired. And feel like shaking. Uncontrollably.

BUT....there is a problem here. As much as I like the taste of Red Bulls, the price has risen to close to $30/gallon at some gas stations. How the hell can Red Bull cost so much? It probably costs 6 cents a can to produce. So...just as I use generic drugs, I have began to search for generic energy drinks. Today's choice is kind of brand name, as far as non-Red Bulls go, but it still counts. Today, I worked like a Rockstar.

But not just any Rockstar. Rockstar + punch! Holy sweet cousin of fuck, this is going to be good. It has to! What can go wrong with energy and juice? Oh, you know, just about everything. Mixing energy and juice has proven in the past to work about as well as mixing priests and children. But...whatevs. I am willing to be a guinea pig in the name of generic energy drink science. So bring it on, Rockstar.

Let's inspect the can. Caffeine! Guarana! Ginseng! B-Vitamins! Taurine! I don't know what Taurine is, but it sounds to me like a trendy element. Like, it's atomic number would be "cool". And topping it off with tropical punch flavor? Hey, I live in the tropics, so I might like it. Even though the tropics are really only glamorous in pictures. It might taste like pondwater if it were an accurate tropical taste. Or maybe dysentery, if it's the water down in ol' Mexico. And of course, they have a cliched statement about how awesome and full of energy their energyjuice is.

"Bigger. Better. Faster. Stronger. PUNCHED is a mix of amazing tasting tropical punch packed with the powerful energy blend of Original Rockstar. Enhanced with the potent herbal blend of Guarana, Ginkgo, Ginseng and Milk Thistle, PUNCHED is scientifically formulated to provide an incredible energy boost to those who lead active and exhausting lifestyles - from athletes to rock stars. Enjoy this fully refreshing, lightly carbonated beverage super chilled. PARTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR."

Really? Milk Thistle? Is that even supposed to be capitalized? Do you write a sentence like "packed with Oranges!"? No. No you don't. Is Milk Thistle someone's name? Cool.

But it's scientifically formulated, which I guess is better than "randomly formulated", or "daterapingly formulated". It helps me lead an exhausting lifestyle, just like an athlete, who works 3 hours a day. I'm just assuming that most athletes drink something like Gatorade instead of energy punch, but that's just me. Also, are athletes and rockstars on opposite ends of some sort of spectrum? Because if not, there aren't too many people that would fit between them. Did they mean alphabetically? That would leave out seamstresses, but I guess that's just a risk that Rockstar was willing to take. Regardless, on with the drinking.

So, I tasted it. And it...was actually good! This stuff tasted good. This might just ruin generic energy drink corner, because the generic energy drinks are supposed to taste like horsedick. I'm going to have to find something fucking terrible next time just to keep me on top of my game. It's a gay game, but someone's gotta play it. Kind of like Quidditch.

We'll see what nasty flavors the competitors will cook up.

The second court-martialing of PFC Kellen Winslow

Private First Class Winslow, I am not pleased to see you back in my court again. Although you were acquitted of your most recent charges, your behavior to continually get involved in these situations is troubling.

I'm sorry, cartoon judge, but I feel like I've been disrespected again in this situation. I'm a soldier and I expect to be treated better than this.

Your honor, please listen to Private Winslow's case before...

Please, Philip...

*sighs*....please listen to The Soldier's case before passing judgment. I believe you will see that he is being mistreated again.

Thanks, Philip!

Fair enough. Go ahead.

Your honor, the Cleveland Browns officers have shown a tiresome pattern of disrespect to the soldier in question, and this instance is no different. Untrue rumors have been flying around about the soldier and the team did nothing to quiet them. The status of Kellen's illness could have been made...


Kellen, please. We all know that you are a soldier. The status of Kellen's illness could have been made clear by the team, a team that has shown an embarrassing pattern of staph infections amongst their troops. They didn't want to look bad and it upset the soldier. The soldier's response was not untrue and was a reflection of the poor treatment he was given. The officers should have no right to suspend the soldier.

Mr. Savage?

Is somebody going to tell this retard that he's not a fucking soldier?


Kellen, please! Mr. Savage, that was absolutely uncalled for.

Why am I here? Can someone please tell me why the fuck I'm here? He's a fucking tight end. He's not a soldier. Kellen, YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING SOLDIER.


Mr. Savage, how do you respond to the charge that you unfairly suspended the soldier?

I didn't. I fairly suspended our retarded tight end for criticizing his own organization. We treat every player with the utmost respect and will not tolerate these public smears.

Mr. Savage, the suspension was unfair and you know it. The soldier has a right to say what he likes.

And we have the right to suspend him for saying it. Because he's legitimately borderline retarded.

Please, stop calling my client retarded. He's a very deep individual.

Your mom's deep.

ORDER!!! God fucking damn it, gentlemen.


Holy hell do you make this difficult, Kellen.

Your honor, this is simple. The league and the player's association has agreed to rules that do not allow the team to suspend the soldier.

Awww, Philip! You called me the soldier again!

Agreed. The soldier may actually have a slight case of Downs Syndrome, but rules are rules and he cannot be suspended for this transgression.


What the fuck has this world come to?